The Magenpie

My adult stepson announced yesterday that he has been talking to a girl in America by internet and skype since February and has invited her over to the UK to stay with us. This is the first we knew of his plans. his reason for letting us know was that her parents wanted to talk to us before she came over. His dad and I were taken by surprise and are not happy with having a complete stranger come to stay in our house, as my stepson has not told us anything about her at all. We have refused to allow this to happen. We are extremely concerned as my stepson has in the past been involved in an unfortunate situation involving someone from another continent. To be frank we have said no to having a stranger stay for several reasons; to mention two, we are decorating some rooms so the house is disorganised and we have a jack russell terrier who has to take steroids for medical reasons and has become aggressive towards strangers. We have tried to explain that we wouldn't let a stranger from this country stay with us. However my stepson says she isn't a stranger to him and can't see why we should be concerned as to the risk of this potential situation. Unfortunately, based on past friendships he is not an able judge of character. Now he is trying to book her a b&b locally but again wants us to speak with her parents to say this what has been done for her visit. I have told him to either email b&b sites to her for a booking to be made by them, or to make a provisional reservation with a b&b and to email across the details. He cannot grasp that a booking has to be supported by a credit card either. But he wants us to speak with her parents and we don't believe anything can be gained by doing this.How do we know they are her parents and how do they know we are his ? To be honest, how do we know she is who she says she is ? At least in the UK we would have some way of checking an address. We feel upset at the attempt to manipulate us to accept his wishes without any consultation or his inability to take responsibility for his actions. It is exhausting trying to deal with this.

My stepson who is now 26 has the same problem and can be as bad as the OP. We find that with any task, he has to be persuaded of the need or benefit to do something before he does it. When he had a girlfriend, he showered and washed every day. Now he is on his own, he has reverted to smelling awful. We think it is peer pressure or influence which motivates my stepson, not what his parents say. Interesting that Social Services and the counsellor tell us we must not put up with this aspect of his behaviour as it will make assimilation into society more difficult for him. I get him to hoover his room weekly, stand over him until the washing is put in the machine and crockery brought downstairs. At the moment the threat of withdrawing power to run his computers (in the plural) motivates him. M

Smiley1590. Thank you for your replies. Unfortunately I have spent 2 days trying to get in touch with The National Autistic Society by phone and they tell you to phone back. There is a Coventry branch but when I phone the number it tells me the phone is switched off and to try later. I haven't had any replies to emails either I sent last week. I appreciate they will be busy but even an acknowledgment of receipt would be a help. But they do not have any assisted living in our area. We have decided to camp on Social Services doorstep to get a mental health assessment as the stepson refused to do basic chores around the house so we have to assume he is suffering from depression. Thanks again to you all M x

Thank you for your replies. Connexions only helps up to the age of 24 unfortunately. He does not meet the criteria for DLA nor for Advance housing.We have offered to make a contribution towards any form of sheltered housing but in our area there are no vacancies. We have told him of our intentions and offered an action plan for him to consider independent living, but his attitude is "I will meet that when it happens". He is capable of independent living as he attended a specialist college in Birmingham. In the third year they moved him to a shared house without supervision and he was ok. He will not apply for any courses, despite the counsellor or the voluntary agency offering to help in the application. We can't say whether he has depression or not as he refuses to go to the GP or for a mental health assessment. It isn't resentment on the part of his dad and me, it's utter frustration and weariness, exacerbated by the fact that at his age he can legitimately refuse to co-operate with authorities and does. We don't know where to turn for any further help. Thanks M

Hello again. Has anyone experience of moving an adult with aspergers out of the family home into a flat or room ? I have described our situation in previous postings with my 25 year old stepson (in a nutshell he won't do anything other than live in his room and play on the pc ALL day). We have been paying for a specialist counsellor to see my stepson each week with the aim of getting him to see that there is life outside the bedroom. She managed to get him to go to the local young adult volunteering group as this is a route to a job or placement or training. Additionally she encouraged him to register with a local college but in his typical fashion he doesn't bother. The counsellor has told us that we are most of the problem with his behaviour as we have spoilt him (her words). But when we have withdrawn his internet access for failing to follow the house rules she has told us to give it back. Now my stepson says to the counsellor that he wants to leave home and get a room BUT he isn't making any effort to find a place. We are prepared to pay his rent for up to one year but after then he has to either sign on or get a job. He is not on the housing list because he won't apply, so Social Services say they can't help. We have even tried the local Law Centre who specialise in dealing with housing, community care and benefits but they can't progress anything without his permission. Additionally he comes across as very capable despite his aspergers so is not eligible for any benefits. So, getting to my point, do we find him somewhere to live, pay the rent for the first year and push him out ? The counsellor thinks this is what he needs to get him to take responsibility. We are also preparing to put the family home up for sale as it is too big to maintain on our limited incomes and we wish to move from the midlands to the north of england. Are we being cruel to be kind - or not ? Thanks M

Soraya, Forgot to say, it's not your fault, nor have you let him down. Big hugs M

Hi Soraya, Your son is still young enough to get help from social services and connexions in relation to assessments, housing and job seeking. However I get the impression that he has had his confidence shaken due to failing to pass 3 gcse's which he thought he would walk. He may not admit it is his actions which have caused the failure as some aspies have no sense of responsibility (my 25 year old step son is like this). I have spent many hours reading this site over the past 18 months and it is not uncommon for aspies to become obsessed with the PC but you must establish boundaries sooner rather than later as to internet access, otherwise they will be on it 24/7. In our case we disconnected him from the wifi completely for repeated violations. However some neighbour hasn't secured their wifi so my step son hacks into that. We have engaged a counsellor who deals with long term unemployed and very slowly she is making a difference, but in our case we have to pay. Can the jobcentre refer him for you ? Our counsellor believes my stepson has some form of depression and is working with him to try to get rid of the negativity. Additionally she has opened doors with the local volunteer agency. As for potential violence, I am lucky we don't have to deal with that, but neither should you. Other correspondents on this site often refer to "tough love" so you may have to deal with potential aggression by lawful means, if only to establish a boundary. I have just come back from our counsellor. She believes the biggest mistake we have made with the step son is we have tolerated his non co-operation and negativity to the point where we have "spoilt him". Food for thought. With love M P.S. My stepson won't sign on for jobseekers allowance as (quote) " I don't want a job". So we have a long way to go yet and when they get over 24 it becomes more difficult.

Hello Mummy. I have a 25 year old stepson with aspergers who shares a lot of the traits your son is demonstrating. Based on our experience your son may be showing signs of anxiety and possibly depression. Please badger your local authority for support now; it may be that they can recommend a counsellor who specialises in aspergers counselling. Our counsellor persuaded the stepson to get involved in the youth voluntary council so at least he gets out once a week. Additionally she has been teaching the stepson about taking personal responsibility for his actions and his life. The only problem we have is that it is taking a long time to see any results so I recommend you start now, especially as resources for your son's age group are greater then when they pass the magical barrier aged 24. Also see if you have a local Connections/Connexions (were part of the JobCentre setup) as they found the stepson a college place. They can also help with work placements. The resources are out there, even in these economic times but you have to fight for them. We have pestered social services over the past year and finally they are looking to see how they can help. With best wishes Magenpie

Hello everyone. Sorry to rake up an old thread of mine but something has happened this week and I would appreciate your advice or thoughts. The Lad has been involved in voluntary work since we took him to counselling. He has met a young lady as a result. A week ago he said he was going out for the day, we haven't seen him since nor does he answer his mobile. He went without his laptop or camera so we assumed he had gone to see the young lady. We know he is still in one piece as he is somewhere posting on his facebook website (last posted Wednesday). Bearing in mind he is technically an adult (and he likes to point this out to us on many occasions) at what point should we become concerned ? He didn't take any clothing and his netbook is almost the equivalent of Linus's blanket (from Peanuts). I know he is in debt with his mobile as I have had a debt collection agency after him (he is 2 months behind with the subscription). His Dad says leave him, I agree to a point but my concern is how long we leave it. Thanx M X

I thought you were talking about my 25 year old stepson in the OP ! The difficulties I see are that aspies are very single minded and therefore get involved very deeply in their preferred subject area. In some instances this becomes so intense that they divorce themselves from the "real world" and cannot understand why others do not have the same attachment or intensity. A few months ago we were talking to The Lad about household bills. For 20 minutes he argued that standing charges on gas, electric and phone bills were unfair. We could not shake him from this belief, nor that he could refuse to pay this proportion of a utility bill. It is difficult to determine if this is being single minded or stubborn, I imagine from what you have told us your son can be like the proverbial dog with a bone and won't let go. Two weeks ago The Lad met a girl. As we have seen before he (metaphorically) throws himself into the friendship/relationship and if they aren't texting him every 5 minutes he becomes irritable. We have engaged a life counsellor who has experience with aspergers adults and students; in her case she is employed by the Job Centres to get long term unemployed into jobs or voluntary work. This way it avoids conflict between the lad and his dad (postings passim) and he does appear to be listening to her. Unfortunately we could only find private counsellors due to his age but as your son is at college and still regarded by the system as a "young adult" can you get in touch with the college to see if they have a counselling service ? As other posters here have said, can you get him to help around the house? I got The Lad to help on the odd occasion in the garden (under the auspices that my back was worse than it actually is) so at least he did something other than play on the PC. As an aside: At least your son is at college; my stepson has been thrown out of 3 colleges (including specialist colleges), doesn't want to look for a job or claim benefit because he tells people he has got everything he wants at home. He spends 15 hours a day on the PC, smells awful and is regressing mentally due to a failure to communicate with others in his peer group. If you can please get help NOW - once they get to 24 the system will abandon them completely. Adult Learning facilities are scarce and some local authorities don't see aspergers as part of the autistic spectrum (I write from experience in my city). Love Magenpie

Thank you all once again for your replies and suggestions. To clarify a few points: The Lad has suggested some ways forward himself (types of voluntary work, counselling with a member of his peer group). However he won't carry it through, so we ask if he wants us to start the ball rolling (e.g. contacting the organisation he is interested in). He agrees then when something is firmed up, drops out. He never gives a reason for this. As for attending an asperger help group, his attitude is that he has aspergers and is not disabled. We have used a family member who is an IT specialist to chat to him to identify where he has shortcomings in his IT knowledge (he is self taught). Following this The Lad found a course at a local college on the internet but wouldn't phone himself to see if there is a place left. When asked why, he said the course had just started so there wouldn't be any places - I asked how he knew as he hadn't been in touch and that some courses will take late entrants - he still did nothing - he is convinced his way is the right way. He says he wants to design websites BUT he doesn't have the vision or creativity; those he has designed for others he has never been paid because they said it wasn't what they wanted - and I can see this when I look at their specification and his final product. This also happened when he was asked to design one for my company. A similar example of his pre-conceptions happened when he needed specialist injections from the GP which are not free. So we asked him how much they were - didn't know - so asked him to find out from the surgery - he said the receptionist won't know - I said how did he know the receptionist wouldn't know - "because she won't" is the reply. So infront of him I phoned and asked for the receptionist, who promptly gave me the cost !!!! He just stood there and looked blank. He is neither in college, work or doing anything other than the PC all day - World of Warcraft is on permanently. We had an interview with Social Services to ask for their advice and guidance, NOT any financial support. They have failed to even follow up our visit despite them agreeing to do so in the interview. WE have chased for over three months with no success; they don't return calls or emails. JsMum, thank you for the suggestions as to a way forward with Social Services, we will take these up. His Dad has tried persuasion for years, all The Lad does is fight ALL types of authority, be it family, Job Centre, Remploy or whoever. As for basic house rules (e.g. please put your dirty linen in the linen bin), FORGET IT - it results in arguments as to "it's my life, I do what I want". He will not help around the home no matter how we ask. Short of physically dragging himout of his room we are coming to the end of our patience. Recently we decided to stop buying his food and give him an allowance, if only that it forces him to go out to buy food and communicate with people. The allowance is based on his previous consumption, so he isn't being short changed. Now we find the allowance is being spent on computer equipment etc rather than food. The knock on effect is that he is suffering from ill health in the form of several colds in succession. I know we have one course of action which would get his attention; restricting his access to the internet. We have tried unplugging at certain times but this isn't a deterrent, he then sits downstairs watching the tv. I admit I am so frustrated with him I want to take the access out of his room completely, if only to get his attention. We are currently looking at a form of young adult sheltered housing to get him into the community as we are both retired and need to sell this big house and downsize. Thanks once again fo your help.

I have a 25 year old stepson with aspergers who still lives at home. One of the difficulties we have is the fact that the law treats him as an adult even though it is becoming clearer that his emotional age (if we are generous) is probably 15. We have discussed with him the need for him to have some form of counselling (one issue is his mental health is deteriorating due to lack of association outside the home). He agrees then when push comes to shove he then tells anyone (counsellor, social services etc) he is not interested. So we are in a bit of a Catch 22 legally. He had a diagnosis at age 17 by CAHMS but is not classified as disabled as he is regarded as at the high functioning end of aspergers. How do other parents on this forum cope with adults in this situation? Any suggestions would be welcome.

Thank you for your suggestions, some which we have already tried and some which we will be taking on board. We do have a set of house rules, which would take him all of 5 minutes a day. He refuses to do them because "it is my life to do what I want". He is daily involved on the World of Warcraft gaming site but where we take this I don't know. He is capable of looking after himself as he spent 3 years away at a specialist college where he lived "in" then "out" in a house with other students. He was ejected from the college for non attendance at lessons then failing to attend a work placement. He found a gaming shop in the city centre and spent all his money and time there. Even now, a year later, he still refers to this centre (which closed down over 9 months ago). He wanted to work there but the owners wanted people to be administrators -they refused him a job as they soon worked out he would be playing not working. We explain that such centres have had their day as they have closed all over the country. I did take on board a suggestion made by a previous poster that he was not even "earning" his access to power, internet, food etc. Two nights ago we came home late to find him still on the computer way past the curfew time. He was caught red handed and tried to hoodwink his Dad with excuses and red herrings (he is a past master at this). However his Dad refused to listen this time and the access to the internet has been withdrawn. This has had the desired effect (even if we go out the internet access is behind a locked door) and miraculously he conforms to house rules. We are currently drawing up a timetable as to what we (as parents) are planning to do in the near future, bearing in mind his Dad has just retired. This documents what we expect from him and what he will get in return. However it also will include a timescale for him to consider living on his own / with students which we are prepared to fund up to a certain point. This also includes seeking advice from external organisations / counsellors on his own initiative. He is capable of communicating with such organisations by the way - when people meet him for the first time they think he is like any other student. Many thanks once again to you all - we definitely feel we are no longer on our own. xx

Big Hugs. I have recently found that they have the ability to push you to the limit - funny how he said he wasn't expecting that one. That tells me a lot with my situation. Not wishing to be vengeful, he should remember a cat will exact its revenge before too long......

Things are reaching a head (albeit very slowly) with my stepson who is an adult. I have outlined his case in a previous post as he is a 24 year old with no motivation. A number of organisations have tried to help in terms of job placements, training, voluntary work etc. but he now tells them he is quite happy "at home". This means living almost permanently in his room on the computer, slobbing around to the point he STINKS (and I do not exaggerate), showing his face twice a day only to eat and make the occasional conversation which is appearing to degenerate into that of a 12 year old. He received a call from one of the organisations, asking why he had failed to 1) reply to their telephone calls; 2) reply to letters; 3) attend their meetings. His reply is that he doesn't need to work as he has what he wants at home; he has some money to pay his phone bill; he doesn't see the need to work. We found out about this as the organiser phoned his Dad to tell him what had been said; in fact she was so shocked at the negative and unhelpful attitude from the lad that she felt she needed to touch base with us to see if their was any underlying problem (to our knowledge nothing has changed other than he now sees his Dad and me as a soft touch). We had to tackle this at this time as our wills will require the house to be sold in the event of the death of either partner (primarily as it is a 5 bed house and costs a small fortune to run), and we felt the lad needs to understand the implications now, rather than when it happens. The reason for this is that in the past when we have tried to get him to see that he does need to think about the future; his attitude is that he will cross that bridge when he gets to it. Add to the two issues just mentioned, the lad gets a small monthly pension from his late mother's teaching career BUT as most of you know on this forum, when government money is concerned, they will fight tooth and nail not to have to pay it. This week we have received a letter to say we have to complete a declaration that he remains "Disabled" for the next 12 months. I can read between the lines that the next step will be an assessment. So we show him the letter and point out the possible scenarios (does he want to be forever classified as "Disabled", does he see he can ever work at anything; what happens if he is called to an assessment and does his usual trick of refusing to attend etc etc.). His immediate reply is "how can I pay my phone bill?" As you can imagine this leads into questions about not planning in some shape or form for the future and this is what will happen if he won't do it. Then his final comment; " I don't have to do what I don't want to". I have omitted the comments made to his Dad which the Dad found very hurtful (bearing in mind his Dad lost his Mom 15 years ago and fought hard to keep the young family together and on the straight and narrow for all these years) but this episode showed me a side of the lad which I now find manipulative. His Dad isn't as worldly wise as I am, nor is he as quick with the riposte but this was one step too far. His Dad admits to being worn out by him; his sisters think he is downright lazy and deliberately awkward and I now believe he knows exactly what strings he is pulling - albeit he does not achieve much with me in that direction - I have made it very clear that whilst under this roof he does as he is told. Since the row (which all he achieved was to dig an even bigger hole for himself - which he admitted!) he has kept a low profile. I could live with the AS; I can accept the knowledge I have gained from this board that his emotional age is probably less 10 years; I can put up with the living on a PC all day BUT I will not tolerate the disrespect and failure to get off his fat backside and do something - washing up would be a start. Sorry it's a bit of a rant but I am reaching the conclusion he needs to be set adrift from the mothership, albeit with some financial help and direction BUT not ###### wiping any longer. He is highly intelligent and has had work placements / college courses before. He can't be bothered. I suppose I am really asking all you supportive AS adults on this board what made you make the effort - have we missed something ?