frogslegs

I have not been on the forum for 18 months and a lot has happened since. My son (aged 12 3/4) has transferred successfully to secondary (main stream 4 hours of weekly support). We have chosen to move him away from the town where we live and he goes to a secondary located 10 miles away. The advantage is that if he has a bust up with someone, it stays at school whereas until last year, problems at school ended up in our street with messages put through our door and bullies coming here to call him names over the garden fence. So I think this is the best decision ever. We are now moving very very rapidly towards adolescence and the problems are big and getting bigger. I am getting worried that I am nagging him all the time and our relationship is getting damaged. So any tips to keep smooth are welcome. Glad to be back.

I have had to learn how to help my son who was bottling up all his feelings which then left him explosive. He tells me what happened at school for example and I can see he is angry and my best question is 'how does it makes you feel?'. The first time I asked that, I was shocked by the response which was basically a vomit of emotions, tears, screams but he emptied his bag and things got better. He likes walking so we sometimes go out and he will talk to me then, away from home, sibling, TV....I try to make one to one time for him and not judge what he says even though sometimes I hear things that are very unreasonable. I always emphasize that I am on his side, that whatever he says to me is confidential but that I have the right not to agree and to give advice. All the best.

My son was born 6 days late. I had pre-eclampsia. I had no contraction so he was induced, then went in labour two hours later. When they gave epidural his heart beat dived so he was out by c-section in 20 mn. Very poor score and good after 5 mn. The midwife said there was a pb with the placenta and that it needed to be sent for tests but I never got the results. He weighed 9pounds 7. He had a form of hare lip (lip completely lifted, no hole in palate). He was always a very content baby.

Have you ever seen this program about the NHS presented by this entrepreneur called Jeremy something where he spent a few weeks in a hospital and was shocked at the poor management despite the huge amount of money given by the government. Too many chiefs and not enough indians as they say. They need more cleaners, more carers to make beds and keep wards tidy, not always the top professor who makes the biggest difference!

My son is lovely and clever...that is what everybody says because they don't live at home with us. So to get him diagnosed has been an absolute challenge. He is younger than yours but I had been raising concerns from nearly the word go and he was finally diagnosed at 10 when I lost my rag at the GP and refused to leave unless he woud refer us to the paediatrician. I have asked to be referred to CAMHS and got a very long polite letter back saying it was very difficult to parent an ASD child and that I should keep going with the antidepressant and get access to counselling for me. I don't want counselling thank you very much, I want help for my son !!!!! It is not having an ASD child which is making me unwell, it is the lack of support! Fight for it, that's all I can say! Good luck, <'> <'>

So sorry to hear that you have not been well. I hate hospitals in this country and had such a traumatic experience when my son was born that I still have nightmares about it. Shall I tell you the gross details? Ok...This was Mayday Hospital (Croydon). Fish and chips under the bed and in time spent there not one single cleaner around. Toilets full of blood, dirty, dirty dirty. Because my son was late, delivery was started with a pessary and was told that it would take hours and to take a sleeping tablet, except I went in full labour two hours later and was so drowsy I could not keep my eyes open. I got up fainted in the toilets and when I rang alarm no one had a key to get me out! Eventually I had to have an emergency C section and went home three days later after being absolutely bullied constantly on the ward. Finished? no no no.... Home on the Sunday, Monday comes and I am not feeling well and scar all red, two days later and I can't get out of bed anymore. Midwives looking more and more worried, doctors called but I am still at home in awful pain. Fifth day and I wake up soaked because scar opened and infection fluid everywhere. Absolute panic, rushed to ER and put on antibiotic IV and sent back on ward. Again more bullying, medicine never given on time, staff not washing hands before touching me. Second operation to stitch everything back together. Alltogether three weeks in hospital and the worst pain ever. Three years later I had my daughter by C section as I could not feel contractions. Had to have a blood transfusion because I bled and bled and bled during the operation. Staff there (Kings Hospital) were fantastic so that was a relief. I hate hospitals, I dread taking my son there. He had to have an MRI scan when he was a baby and be sedated and I cried terribly even though it only lasted 10 minutes! Because of all this trouble I have to have a hysterectomy and I keep postponing it because I am convinced something is going to happen to me, so I prefer the current discomfort. Mad isn't i? People say I should have sued but then it is public money that pays compensations and when you are in the middle of a crisis it is the last thing on your mind. I did get an apology though and I must say that helped. I hope that you get better soon and that you can put your nightmare behind you. I wish I could do something to get over the trauma because no doubt one day I will have to go to hospital to deal with this problem but I seriously hyperventilate at the idea! In the meantime I send you a bag of virtual oranges and a hug <'> <'>

I think it is great that you are getting so organised. You'll find things settle quickly into a routine and then you'll be fine. I think you have done so well: a job (or is it two) a house! You should really feel proud Tally as not many people, ASD or not, manage this much. No wonder you are tired! Be kind to yourself!

I am sorry that you are having such difficulties settling down this year at uni and I do feel for you. When I was younger I used to live in a shared house and found it incredibly difficult and felt under pressure. However, remember it is just an accommodation, you do not have to be best friends with them. But you have to be courteous. Do they realise what a difficult time you are having at the moment? If they really like you they will understand and maybe they are trying to include you in their friendship. Can I suggest that you try to be honest with them. If you feel you can't talk to them all at the same time (that is hard), choose a moment when you are with just one or two of them and tell them that although you like them, you prefer spending time studying in your room. Maybe you could agree to go out with them once a week or something so that you can keep the connection open whilst having your peace. Do you have a tutor with whom you can 'connect' so that at least you have someone who can support you through your studies? I think you need to speak to someone about your worries so that you can keep studying happily this year. Best of luck, <'> <'>

That is a difficult one. I think I would need to know a person really well to feel confident to suggest that. On the other hand this is how I realised my son had Asperger, when i shared my concerns with a person I vaguely knew and she said, he is like my son and he has Asperger, then it clicked. She then printed something from a website for me to have a look at and then I had no doubt as he met most of the criteria. So that might also be an avenue, leave some sort of brochure around and if he says something, discuss it with him, rather than be too blunt.

How about talking to him when he is calm and not watching tv to try to suss things out? My husband who as far as I know is not Aspie, has obsession, they include the Beatles, the Prisonner and old trains. But then I have habits that get on everyone's nerves at home so we sort of negotiate!

My son has got loads of funny soft balls, listens to soft tapes, has vanilla scent in his room.... Does it make a difference? NOOOOOO!!!!

We have two cats. My son loves them talks to them for hours (what the cats make of that I don't know!), cuddles them... We like dogs but don't like the commitment they need. The cats are not very needy and they come and go as they please with a cat flap. Only drawback is that they keep bringing presents on my bed : mice and frogs... lovely!

Can you try to take it in turns to rest, maybe at week-ends you sleep in the bedroom and hubby sleeps on settee and deals with the situation so that you can get a break. Also, what do you do when he is at school. Not ideal but can you go for a swim (that really works for me) and have a nap before you collect your children. Last year I had to have power naps 10/15mn otherwise by the end of the day I could not think straight anymore. It may take time to find a solution for your son and in the meantime you need to take care of yourself. <'> <'>

My son bites his nails and picks the skin around and picks his toe nails constantly. My daughter used to suck her thumb so badly (with her baby blanket stuffed in her mouth as well) that her front teeth were not growing straight but with the support of the dentist we told her it was time to stop and got the varnish and within about 10 days it stopped but she had two or three sleepless nights and tears but it is completely finished now. We had an official throwing of the blanket and gone! My son's habits in some ways are a lot more sneaky. When he is in the car, I can hear tick tick of picking. It drives me MAAAD!!