lancelot

Hi Stephanie, Not really got much to add to that advice, but it sounds so like my son at the same age -- he was attached almost to the point of obsession to a very nice but shy little girl, A, and school were worried that it was both hard on her and likely to cause problems for him when they had to be separated (different forms in Yr 1 according to age). Luckily for us, another train-obsessed little girl (E) arrived just before the split, and he transferred his affections with embarrassing speed, leaving poor little A saying, 'But he was meant to be MY special friend!' They are 10 and 11 now, and all genuinely good friends still, despite very different characters and interests, so it can work. Maybe it's best to 'dilute' the idea of best friends, though? How do the other child's parents feel about it -- would this little girl come over to visit? Good luck (and boy do I know what you mean about school wanting you to sort it all out even when you aren't there -- remote control, maybe?) L

Thanks all, I think I was seeing i in rather black and white terms (if he can cope when paid, then he can cope!) but I think I have a clearer idea of it now (and yes, I've paid up, and he's making hopeful suggestions about whether I think he can go to the nativity tomorrow as well!)

Hi -- I really appreciate all the answers, and thanks especially to Badonkadonk for taking the time to write in such detail. The reason I asked is that I and the school have put huge amounts of effort into trying to understand his behaviour and make situations easier for him, on the assumption that he can't help his reactions when in such a stressful environment, and needs our help and sympathy -- so I was startled and maybe just a little peeved to find that cash worked better than psychology! He's a very bright and articulate child, who rather likes to be one up on the adults around him, and after years of expecting too much of him, I wonder if I've gone to the other extreme and now let him get away with too much. hence the hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Agreed, though, that �3 for a happy younger sister is good value. I wonder if it'll work for the nativity play as well? Thx all, L xx

Our DS (10, Asperger's) had to accompany us to a carol concert at the weekend at the music/drama group that his younger brother and sister go to. It was very crowded in the entrance way -- people cramming through the doors, warming up trumpets etc -- so I wasn't surprised when he started moaning and ran off to rock in a corner, wailing, 'I can't stand it, can I go home, can I go home?' Kicked myself for even trying to bring him! In some desperation, hoping we might at least make it to 5-yr-old's performance of Jingle Bells on bits of drainpipe , I offered him 50p for every 10 minutes he managed in the hall without making a noise. I'm �3 poorer! He stared at his stopwatch throughout, and didn't even wince when the brass band tried to outcompete the dodgy descants to the carols. Right, is he: --extremely insensitive to noise when he has something to look at? or --perfectly capable of behaving when he chooses? C's noises and moaning are a constant problem at school -- maybe equally blatant bribery is the answer there as well!

I've fretted unnecessarily about this one in the past! My eldest (nearly 11, AS) finally demanded last year, "Is it really you and Daddy?", but when we said, " What do you think?" he decided on balance that it was probably Father Christmas after all. Suits me, as his little sister is still very little, and we didn't have to lie about it. Apparently he'd written a list and not shown it to us, so we couldn't possibly have guessed what he wanted (hmmm, the obsessive talking about it for months beforehand/circling bits of catalogues wouldn't have dropped any clues, now would it??). What does still bug me is the clash between my view that FC just does stockings (choccy coins, satsuma, little things) and DH's view that he brings the entire heap, including things with labels on saying 'From Grandma' -- now where's the logic in that? Haven't done any Christmas shopping yet. Is it winter already? love, L the Inefficient

Hmmm, sorry for confusing everybody! Still, maybe this kind of GP would be more use to some of us than the other sort? He/she (the vet can't tell which, and neither can I) is living in the lap of luxury and in danger of becoming very spoilt. Middle child has offered to be Chief Cleaner-Upper this week... we shall see

and C is utterly in love with it! DH is a bit shellshocked at the size of pen, though -- think he was confusing GPs with hamsters when he agreed to it. Now why isn't there a guinea pig smilie? Needed some light relief after weeks of trying to make secondary school decision (aaaaaaaaaaaargghhhh) L xx

Just to say thanks, Mel & Lizzie -- lots of good sense there. DH's take on it is, 'Oh God, you're not still stressed about the school thing, are you?' I know -- I'll let him decide!!

Hi all, Can I ramble for a bit? DH is away and rest of family just don't want to know... Secondary applications here have to be in on 10th November. It's a rural area, so the schools are miles apart and most can't be reached by public transport. C (yr 6, Aspergers) is adamant he wants to go with his friends to the local, rather seedy school about five minutes' bus ride away. Various other sources suggest that almost any other school is better for SEN -- a friend of ours pulled her rather similar boy out last year after he'd been endlessly bullied, and the head dismissed the whole thing with an airy 'We don't have a bullying problem in our school.' Hmmm. Added to this, the SENCO is of the 'I know best' persuasion, and couldn't tell me whether currently they had any kids with ASD or AS; and the school is starting major rebuilding shortly -- expected to take roughly the next 4-5 years. There's another (even bigger and more battered) comp about 5 miles the other way, which feels friendlier and was certainly more approachable -- small, fiery Scottish woman for head, who says, 'All schools have bullies, but in my school they get a VERY CROSS little Scottish woman dropping on them from a great height.' One of his friends MIGHT apply to that one, but it's not our catchment school, so no guarantees she would get in. No special facilities, and building works coming up next year. Then there's the huge, slightly less battered school about 20 miles away that's supposedly building a specialist resource for children with Asperger's, but hasn't actually done it yet. Specialist teacher on site, chill-out room to retreat to, specialist teaching assistants, music therapy, relaxation therapy, sailing (!) ... so what's the problem? Well, C has looked round the school and is determined to hate it! Nobody he knows would be going, as it's miles away and always oversubscribed. His AS status would probably get him in, but could we drag him there every day? When C hates a thing, he does it with gusto. Finally (I think?) there are two small schools in the nearest town, each with about 550 kids -- one is a very churchy Church school, though it does accept statemented kids as well; pretty drab, on looking round it, but it has certainly done well by some other AS children I know. The other school currently doesn't have a SENCO, but it does have an animation studio (C's idea of bliss!) and a pale blue uniform, which obviously is a big plus... It's all going round... and round... and round in my head. and I'm no nearer making the decision. Stick with the friends (which effectively means two rather shy girls, and one rather unreliable boy) and hope for the best? Go for facilities, and separate him from everyone he knows? Anyone who's read this far... HELP!

Kathryn -- thanks, that looks perfect! I have a few from the NAS, but hadn't seen that one. I think I'll highlight the 'circle of friends' part, and the bit about not shouting. Lxx

Hi all, C has been having a really good patch at school (he's in Year 6) -- several 'firsts' for his school life, like joining in with extension groups for maths and literacy, doing a lunchtime K'Nex club, and going to Safer Cycling sessions. Yesterday was the Harvest Festival, and I arrived and started scanning the church for the usual hunched little figure with his hood zipped up to the eyes. Couldn't see him anywhere and started to worry. Then I spotted him: in the choir stalls in front of the whole crowd, between his two best friends, sharing a song sheet and singing as if he did this daily. Afraid I made a bit of a nelly of myself at that point Luckily for me, his halo slipped and he started conducting the choir with his fluffy toy cat after a while, and then continued to sing the same song (ever so softly and tunefully) throughout the vicar's little chat, and the prayers, and the next class's poem... that's my boy. Part of me is thinking, though, what a shame that his successes are coming in his last year at this school. We're only just getting things right for him as he's gearing up to leave! In the evening he had Scouts, another new venture for him this term. He's been twice before and loved it, but this week was a bit of a disaster. The leaders had decided to split up all friendship groups for the evening's activity (a walk in the dark, in the rain, with torches) because 'scouting is all about getting on with everybody'. C of course wouldn't move groups, just stood there looking desperate and crying frantically. So the deputy leader went up and bawled at him, right in his face, that he was ruining it for everyone, and that in scouts he would jolly well do as he was told and no nonsense. I got through the door at this point and let him have it -- told him that he was shouting at an autistic child in distress, and unless C went back with his friends immediately he would need to leave right now with me, as he could not be expected to cope without support. I think I may have brought in disability rights, reasonable adjustment, and scouts as an inclusive movement, but I never do know quite when to stop . To do him justice, the bloke did stop shouting and come over to ask me more about it. First thing he said was, 'Is he autistic then? I thought he had Asperger's. Has he got both? I've had an Aspergers one before but he wasn't autistic.' C is not even the only autistic child there! One of the other new kids has Asperger's (I know the family), and another older boy has ASD with speech delay. Give that these are mostly ten-yr-olds, splitting them up into unfamiliar groups and expecting ANY of them to cope seems a bit rich -- especially in the dark. I don't want to leap on them too heavily; as I said, C loved the first two weeks, and racing about outdoors suits him, but I want him safe too. I think they need basic information fast! Anyone know a really good simple leaflet? I'd rung and written to the main leader beforehand and she sounded very reasonable and (I thought) quite well informed about it, but clearly all the adults need to know more. Bit of a ramble, sorry!

We (or rather I, as DH prefers to avoid the subject) told C when he was 8 and starting to have appointments all over the place. This was about a year after diagnosis and probably three years after we knew, unofficially, what we were dealing with. It's been good and bad. One downside has been that he has met a couple of other AS children, disliked them, and assumed that he is somehow less likeable by association. But that's outweighed by being able to talk to him much more openly now about why certain things affect him the way they do. It also meant that I could try to explain it to his younger brother, who (at 6) had already caught the words 'syndrome' and 'appointment' and turned out to have been thinking C was dangerously ill. Anyway, so many professionals were starting to discuss it over his head as if he was deaf that I couldn't have avoided it. Did anyone else find this? L xx

From my youngest (age 4): 'Mummeeee, when can I learn to do swear words?' Told her they were not very nice and older people only did them if they got a bit too cross, etc, etc... 'But you and Daddy do swear words in bed sometimes. Oh when oh when oh when can I be old enough to do swear words?' Hasty change of subject from me before she could explain further exactly what we do in bed that might involve swearing... Three days later we find out she meant crosswords!

Thanks, Paula and Baggy, The TB's treatable but still rather nasty -- a good 6 months' worth of antibiotics, apparently...

We had a great two weeks camping (not even too rainy, for Wales) with all of my family -- my parents, brothers, sister and a total of 6 cousins aged 3 to 10. C had a lovely time of near-total freedom and was more relaxed than I've seen him all year. Another parent on site was astonished to hear (after they'd had a minor run-in with him about cycling inside the marquee!) guylines!) that he was autistic with 1-to-1 help at school. BUT... Since we got home, my mother's nasty cough has been diagnosed as TB, and the whole extended family need to go for testing. Oh joy oh joy... C and medical appointments just don't mix at the best of times. (The TB team thought they had an easy case when they first visited Mum: 'So it's just yourself, your husband, and you sometimes look after your grandson?' -- but then they heard we'd all spent a fortnight together in tents, and realised they had at least 14 more people to trace!) C was immensely cheered to hear that he should stay off school with 'any sign of a cough', as he's asthmatic, and can generally cough his lttle socks off. Just to add to the fun, the kids have come home from camp with scabies (needing nasty itchy ointment) and threadworms (nasty chewy tablets). I think I need another holiday -- minus children! L xxx