purplegail

Hi All Sometimes I feel as though I've been permenantly emotionally and physically exausted for the past few years. Since my daughter was diagnosed, aged 11, I have fought , cried and felt like totally giving up due to my inability to cope with or help her with her problems and the despair at been turned away by every service that I was told SHOULD help me. This site has brought me lots of comfort. Just knowing other people really understand and take the time to offer advice has been invaluable at times. In the early hours of the morning it has provided an ear to listen to me crying!! I haven't posted for a while because my dd discovered this site and worked out who I was!! but I hope she reads this....... I have always been proud of her and always will be. I love her with all my heart. We have had some tough times with lots of pain on both sides. Much of my frustration and anger has been due to feeling helpless and unable to ease her problems and not because I didn't want her in my life. Sometimes it's hard to get the correct message across during difficult times. She has not been in Mainstream school for 3 years now and receives only a very basic education - hard won!!!! She has just been offered a place to study Animal Management at College - a course which is equivalent to 3 A levels.!!!!! This is her chance to slot back in to a regular education and develop friendships and interests outside her immediate family. She can't wait and neither can I - she deserves this so much. I honestly believe that this has come about through perseverence by both of us, WITHOUT THE HELP OF ALL THOSE SERVICES THAT SUPPOSEDLY EXIST FOR FAMILIES LIKE MINE!! ASD plus puberty has been exhausting and I'm sure we've got further 'mountains' to tackle. But to anyone out there with a teenager, it gets better. I love my daughter with all my heart and this week I couldn't be prouder. Feel alll emotional now lol Gail

Hi Soraya Want to join my S**T mOTHERS CLUB!!!!!! Like you said, I find it extremely diifficult to tell the difference between autism and 'normal teenage bad behaviour'. How do we get through some days??????? I know............ !!!!!!! well some days it seems the only solution. Other days I feel I can cope with anything. Do you find you cope better when you feel better yourself? Gail

[Hiya Bagpuss Let me know if you see it and I'll send you the book. Gail

I would love to meet up with some of you. Leeds sounds great!!!!! as I'm only 20 mins away. but on a plus for everyone , transport is good and accomodation quite cheap if anyone wants to stay over!!! Will it involve alcohol???? Gail

Hi ALL I never seem to have time to post much, and when I do it seems to be when I am desperate!!! So, apologies first but this site has never done anything but make me feel better about life. I'll try to keep it short!! On many occassions when my daughter was younger I approached social services for help - main time was when I was barricaded in my eldest son's room with youngest, the dog and a telephone whilst my AS daughter was scratching the door with a carving knife threatening to kill us!!!!! '' unfortunately there was nothing they could do''!!! standard answer on several occassions. Their only advice was to phone the police. I actually did this one evening last year after she threw curry all over the house and punched me in the head (can't remember why but was likely to be a lack of ketchup or something similar!!!) They were lovely but couldn't understand what they were expected to do since putting an emotionall disturbed child in a cell was hardly likely to be a positive move. They did say they would see that the appropriate services were alerted and I should get some help but............. nothing!!!!!! Meanwhile, problems with my ex have caused endless tantrums / meltdowns - basically he will do/say anything to the kids to vent his anger at me wether he is hurting them emotionally or not. My daughter sees him for a couple of hours once every 2 weeks and comes back with enough venom to disrupt our lives for weeks - he tells her I've stolen all his money, he tells her we would still be a family if it was up to him, when she had a major meltdown because there was a hair in her tea (I had obviously put it there on purpose!!!!!!!!) he told her that I obviously was too busy with my own life to be bothered making her a nice tea!!! He tells her he will ring social services if I hurt her again - neglecting to remember how violent she was when he was at home 3 years ago and realising she is now 16 and bigger than me!!!! He never asks why she was attacking me??? I enlisted CAMHS ''help''!!!!! to try some kind of family mediation to help him see that hurting me hurts my daughter. She cannot handle her emotions at the best of times and his anger only makes her worse. She needs a good relationship with me to help me to help her cope with life. But all he wanted to do was blame and the phsycologist decided that THE CHILDRENS EMOTIONAL WELFARE WAS AT RISK AND HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO ASK SOCIAL SERVICES TO BECOME INVOLVED!!! hE TOLD ME THIS JUST BEFORE cHRISTMAS i HAVE NEITHER SLEPT OR HEARD ANYTHING FURTHER FROM ANYONE!!! My fear is that despite doing nothing when ''begged'' by myself, they will now wade in and be nothing but destructive to my family!!!! When I was attacked by her last night and my 10 year old jumped on her and tried to restrain her I couldn't help but worry that they will insist on removing him from the home for his own safety!!!! I have pleaded for help since she was diagnosed and feel like is all I have achieved. Tried to keep it short - sorry.Just not sure how I get out of bed on days like this Gail

Hiya Bit too far for me but let me know if you see PS i lOVE yOU AND IF IT'S ANY GOOD. - i READ THE BOOK BUT HAVE NO ONE TO SEE THE FILM WITH!!!!!! i WANT TO KNOW IF IT'S WORTH WAITING FOR THE dvd. Have a great time Gail

Dear Amanda I have only just seen this post. I don't know what to say except my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. You are obviously a very strong person but don't be too strong - it's important to grieve. Don't just leave - there are many people here who would want to support you whenever you need it. Gail xxxxxxxxx

Hiya Just wanted to say Hi and Welcome. Your post struck a chord with me as I could imagine my 16 year old daughter saying many of the things you did!!!! Well done for sticking it out at school <'> Gail

Hiya Me too - never heard of them. My problem is that my daughter is now 16 so they probably won't want to know!!!! It looks like a really great organisation. Good luck with it Gail

Not my taste!!!! but have a great time Hev x Gail

Hi all This was used in an assembly at the school where I work this week. Made me cry as I am in danger, sometimes, of becoming the egg! But it also made me more determined to be the coffee bean. ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN? by Mary Sullivan - used with her expressed permission. A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as if as soon as one problem was solved a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. The mother filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots. In the second she placed eggs. And the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. About twenty minutes later, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she said, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. (You known the tone of voice.) She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did, and noted that they felt soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg inside. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "So, what's the point, mother?" (Remember the tone of voice.) Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water - but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid center. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its insides had become hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water...they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot , an egg, or a coffee bean?" Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship, or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my outer shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water - the very circumstances that bring the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of the bean. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you instead of letting it change you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level? How do you handle Adversity? ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN? We all certainly handle our fair share of that!!! Gail

Hi LYA You've been <'> <'> <'> there for me too Gail

GO FOR IT!!!!!!! It has happened to me recently and OMG has it boosted my 'feelgood' senses!!!! especially after my ex has been threatening to call social services for going out and leaving the kids 'home alone'. I actually felt brave and laughed and told him to go ahead. 2 things could happen 1. he is laughed at - kids are 10, 16 (aspie) and 18 (in 2 weeks) - think the 18 year old can cope with the 10 yr old and 16 yr old is quite able to be alone (she is most days while we are all at work/school) 2. They insist that he has youngest 2 to stay more often - a win win situation for me and youngest. 10 yr old would love to split his week between me and his Dad as he is devoted to both of us. I get a bit of respite in weeks when 16 yr olds rages have been almost too much to cope with!!! Gail

Hiya I have a female teenage aspie and I know how you feel - i do chocolate , booze and antidepressants plus counselling but none of it seems to help some days. I see other teenagers and know that my 16 year old daughter is poles apart and will never be fully and happily independant of me and the years ahead seem miserable because '' everything is ALWAYS my fault'' and I am ''not as good'' as the Dad who sees her for a couple of hours each week and refuses to move to a place that allows pets - she would stay over then but needs her dog with her at all times!!!! At the doctors surgery the other day, I met a girl I used to go to Brownies with - many, many, many, years ago. Or so it feels like!!!! She has spina bifida and has spent her entire life in a wheelchair and her parents have spent those years caring for her. They are a 'permanent 3some' I bump into them periodically and they always ask how I'm doing and are the most pleasant family ever. It really made me think that however bad things seem at times, I have to focus on the positve. Laura can do so much for herself and when she's in a 'good mood' - getting a little bit more frequent as we progress through the teenage hormonal years - she can be fairly pleasant to live with. I may have to ring her whenever I'm out, or every breaktime at work but I CAN go out. Mind you, I am still very angry at what little help is available for our children and their families but, in line with my new positive thinking - helped along by 'The Little Book of Calm'' - I'm trying not to dwell on that either. I hope you have some better, more stressful days this week. Like someone else said - don't scream too loud when the neighbours are about!!!! Have a rant on here where we ALL understand. <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> Gail

Hiya Hev Hope next week is better Gail