smadams11

Sorry if this is the wrong place but I would really like some advice. My eldest child is 9 years old and I love him immensely, but I can't quite seem to bond properly with him so am looking for some help. The problem may be down to the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy with him, and his early life. I found myself in a very abusive relationship aged just 17 and fell pregnant fairly quickly. At 6 months pregnant, I called the police and they took my boyfriend away. I then spend the next 6 months waiting for the court case to go to trial (he plead guilty, got 5 years in jail, has never had any contact with my son and my son has had a very loving and fantastic daddy since he turned one year old). It was incredibly stressful attempting to get past what had happened to me, go through the end months of my pregnancy and give birth alone while also having the impending court case hanging over me. My son was 3 months old when it was all over but it took many years for me to feel normal and functional again. With my mental state being the way it was and with my son being such a quiet baby (he rarely cried, slept through the night by 3 months old, never seemed to want my attention or kisses and cuddles) I barely have any memories of our life together then. Although I loved him, I didn't bond with him at all. In my mind that might be because I was so preoccupied with everything else in my life, and as my son was so content in his own company, I pretty much left him alone. At the time it was a blessing to be able to recover relatively peacefully, but it has turned into a curse in the sense that I lost that precious bonding time with my child (years of it). Now he is 9. We do have a bond of sorts but it is a strange bond borne simply of protection over him I think (It's certainly not the same bond as I have with my younger two children, to my shame) and I struggle to feel comfortable with him. So I said it: I feel uncomfortable around him/being too close to him. He leans on me and suddenly grabs at me and I hate it. I want to swat him away (I don't but I definitely tense up and he must be able to feel it). I'm not sure why I do this but it is not because of what my ex did to me-that has absolutely nothing to do with it at all-just that my son seems to think my body is his own. He hasn't been allowed to see me in underwear or naked for years as he used to spy on me and peek through doorways to get a glimpse. He has made me uncomfortable since he could walk and talk. The fact is that I don't really know this little dude sitting next to me-he is my firstborn and I barely know a thing about him! There seems to be no substance to him. I cannot grasp him. With my other children I can come up with lots of characteristics to describe them as people, who they are, what defines them, but with my eldest I struggle to put him into words. How to describe him? He is very intelligent but very immature. He is loyal but untrustworthy. He is loving but cruel. He is happy but neutral. He is amazing but atrocious. He is reliable but kaleidoscopic. I can define him with opposites and contradictions, which isn't really defining him at all. I want to know him but aren't sure how. His behaviour doesn't help the situation as he is constantly pushing the limits and breaking the rules (constantly as in about once per hour) and has done from the moment he could. He causes me no end of stress and I think I kind of hold a permanent grudge against him for his naughtiness. Which may be the cause of his behavioural problems-he struggles to feel my love and affection so tries to get attention any way he can. I try my best, he has the same rules as his siblings and I treat him fairly but there is just something getting in the way of me bonding with him. I can't put my finger on it so am hoping someone here may have some suggestion. I want to fix this. I love him but I also want to like him and I can't right now-he comes across (to me) as creepy and manipulative (and, yes, I feel thoroughly ashamed to say that). I sometimes worry that when he is older he may harm me (he gets this look on his face-I don't know). I fully realise he is just being himself and I need to change my perspective-this is completely up to me, 100%. Perhaps some understanding on his behaviours would be helpful? If I understand more, I will hopefully know how to deal with him, and be more adaptable to changing my own behaviour. He absolutely doesn't deserve for me to tense up every time we hug, or have me push him away when he leans on me. What is wrong with me? I just want to be a better mum to him to him; he deserves that. How do we bond? What do I need to do?

about 4 years ago, i decided i couldnt cope with my 5 years olds behaviour any more and took him to the doctors who suggested he may have autism. of course, i bought a ton of books and researched the whole subject as thoroughly as i could. i highlighted many things in books which stood out for my son-these were not all the usual aspects of autism-they were things like mimicking body language and expressions, rocking, reciting stuff he had heard on the radio/tv back to me out of context, escaping/absconding, clumsiness, not being interested in other kids/friendships etc. while i was doing this highlighting, i was also noticing many of the more classic signs of autism seemed to fit my younger son who was 3 at the time-such as no eye contact, almost shouting rather than speaking, looking from the corner of his eye sometimes, head banging, 'big tantrums' (i wouldnt quite call them meltdowns), head banging, twirling, hiding strange random objects around the house etc....i didnt think too much of it to be honest as i was rather overwhelmed at the time and i thought maybe my mind was exaggerating these things with the situation with my eldest. also he was only 3 and the odd behaviours that he had didnt impact his life in any way as far as i could tell, whereas my eldests behaviour affected every second of his waking life...so i just concentrated on my eldest really and told myself to stop being paranoid regarding my younger son. anyway, my eldest was diagnosed with aspergers 2 years ago and is almost 9 now. he is that same as he always has been, but i understand him better now so we cope much better! my middle child is now 6 and some of those behaviours i worried about in the past have become worse over the years, he has also developed new ones and i am honestly quite scared. he still head bangs lots, he still rarely makes eye contact (also has this thing where he can look just slightly past my face with one eye, while the other eye is on the opposite side of the room and when i ask him to refocus, his eyes just align again). he has a million things (most toys but some not) that he simply has to stash away, he has a little safe with a key for some of his more precious possessions (the most random objects are special to him!), he has never liked physical closeness and only ever really allowed me close to him although this has improved somewhat and he can stand to be touched at times (on his terms and with his permission and notice of it happening). he has always covered his ears for loud noises (loud to him, not to me), he hates to leave the house and gets very agitated when out, he walks in circles/twirls and spins round and round for hours sometimes, he has begun lately to....well, when i ask him a question, he starts jumping rapidly, flapping his arms up and down and yelling 'yes! yes! yes! yes! yes!'. now this is the one that is scaring me: his tantrums are getting worse and its scary to see as he clearly isnt in control. now these arent major meltdowns by any standard but they are still horrifying to witness in my usually sweet, quiet little boy. he quite often has claw like hands while in a tantrum that he likes to flea and unflex rather scarily. he starts out by kind of grabbing one hand tightly by the other and then ripping the gripped arm violently out of the others grasp so his whole body rocks with the violence of the movement, he does this a dozen or so times in very quick succession, then either drops to the floor on his bottom, knees in his face, wraps his hands around his legs and starts rocking while making kind of growling noises or he drops to the floor on his bottom with his legs akimbo/wherever they happen to land and starts kind of circling his arms back and forth around him and tearing at the ground with his fingers. its so hard to explain, but he clearly has lost control of himself during these tantrums and he is getting bigger now-i know he is only 6, but he is very strong and he gets a little bigger every day. should i take him to the doctors or am i overreacting? i feel almost guilty taking him to the doctors, as though they wouldnt possibly believe i could have 2 autistic spectrum kids....and i hate myself for ignoring it for so long. if he is autistic, that means i have neglected one of my childs needs other anothers. sorry for the spelling etc.....he had a tantrum earlier and i am still trying to get past it while typing all this and finally telling someone-i havent even told my partner my fears x any advice welcome please xx

its the same story with his dad unfortunately. but you have helped a lot, thank you. there is no reason at all why he cannot wear trunks in the bath; i could simply turn around or leave him for a few moments while he washes his privates, then pop back in when he is done and covered. i was worried that i shouldn't 'encourage' his behaviour as i thought he might continue being this way into adulthood and felt sure that it would affect him negatively, but i also worried that this may just be a part of him and i obviously shouldn't force him to be nude if he doesn't want to be. i will try this out tomorrow, but already feel sure it will work. he will be much happier and more comfortable. thank you so much for your help, its much appreciated!

hello, my son is 8 years old, 9 in 2 months. he used to have a rather inappropriate fascination with nudity and i would often find him peering through gaps in doors, trying to sneak a view of me getting changed, or staring at his siblings during bath time etc i used to be able to dress and simply ask him to turn away when i got to changing my underwear but i couldnt trust him not to peek.....so, because of this i decided to stop allowing him the opportunities of seeing us nude. i never said anything to him but i made sure he used the toilet before i had a bath and i changed while he was occupied and made sure the door was closed etc, he was no longer able to bathe with his siblings (this was also because he had twice touched his brother inappropriately). anyway, that happened when he was around 6, so 2 years ago. he has matured a lot since then and has since proven he can be appropriate around others nude-both being naked around others and being around people who are naked. but i fear i have damaged his perception of privacy. when i am in the bath, instead of being able to look in my direction and simply avoiding looking at private areas (as i do for him and his siblings), he 'crab walks' to the loo so his back is to me the whole time; he looks directly ahead at the wall while he does this so often trips on the bathmat or bumps into the sink. he has a mini tantrum at bath time as i or my partner will be seeing him naked, but we have to be there as, due to his clumsiness (the bathroom is a dangerous place), our distrust of his antics while we are gone (he has proved time and again that he gets up to all sorts of silly/risky behaviour when we are not around) and as he is unable to wash his own hair, we simply dont feel able to leave him yet. so while he bathes (with plenty of bubbles) i sit on the toilet seat and read a book-its not like i can even see him. he acts as though i am staring at his privates, when in reality i arent even looking in his direction. we have explained so many times that it is perfectly fine for us to see him naked, and that doesnt mean we are 'looking' at him, if you see what i mean. that, while we would try to avoid seeing his privates, if we do happen to, it is nothing to make a big deal of-just 'oops' and look away. we have asked how he feels when seeing his siblings naked (he says he feels fine with this) and we have said that is how we feel seeing him naked-no big deal. also, we are family so it doesnt matter as much. we have pictures of them naked from when they were babies. just this morning he came into my room without knocking and caught me naked; i quickly managed to cover my breasts and it really wasnt a big deal at all-just something that happened. i cant think of how to make him feel better about this and get him to a good place regarding nudity/privacy. he really has taken privacy too far. not only that, but he is also being overly secretive about certain things. when we play a card game and i cant see his cards, he goes to great lengths to hide them completely and has quite scary panics if i do. i have pointed out that if i do see his cards, i wont cheat and he quite often sees my cards and it doesnt bother him but....its like he has just muddled up the whole message i was trying to give him. to him, secrecy and privacy are one and the same. i am trying my best here, and it doesnt help that we were never a particularly nudey family to begin with. i am fairly private (but dont care too much if accidents happen) and i have never allowed the kids to run around naked as some do as i dont feel very comfortable with it to be honest. but having said all that, my other kids (aged 6 and 4) see me and my partner naked often when we are in the bath or getting changed. its fine as it clearly doesnt bother them and so it doesnt bother us. i have compared this to his other obsessions-that he has an idea in his head and he is taking it way, way too far and upsetting himself in the process. like, he has this survival book and in it, it encourages you to dissect plants to see if they are poisonous, then eat a tiny bit and avoid eating for 8 hours afterwards.....he did all this without me realizing until he refused his tea. he ate a rose petal. i pointed out that it is extremely unlikely he would find a dangerous plant in our garden here in england, that he should have asked before eating a plant and the reason the book says not to eat for a further 8 hours is to avoid confusion over which plant was poisonous if you ate anything else. of course, this is if you happen to find yourself in the middle of some endless jungle. he has just taken the books message too far.... so, how do i get my 8 year old to just calm down about it all? i hate to see him so upset over something so....normal.

thank you anyway. i think i will just keep pushing the points that it is perfectly acceptable for him to explore his own body as long as it is done in private, and that it is never okay to touch another persons private parts. also that if he has any questions at all he can come to me and i am more than happy to help-curiosity is a natural thing. thank you again.

thank you for the links-they were both very interesting reading. my children are home educated and have a variety of books at their disposal regarding sex and ppuberty etc. i fully accept they will naturally explore their bodies-i remember doing so myself at a young age. i have sat down with all 3 children today and had a discussion regarding what is appropriate/inappropriate behaviour. then we had a question/answer session at the end and i feel it has really made a difference but i have moved my son into a bedroom on his own as i aren't comfortable with him sharing with his siblings any more. i feel much calmer now some hours have passed and am sure my son will not be doing the same thing again. i feel as though i did something wrong as a child and adult should never look/touch like that even though i know i didnt do anything wrong. thank you, again.

for background information: my son went through a long phase of staring at people when they were naked-more curious than my other 2 children ever were in that regard. it became so uncomfortable that when he was 4 i put a ban on anyone being naked around him. i would then find him spying on us (he would quietly open the door and peer through the gap.) i twice found him playing/touching his younger brother sexually. he got in big trouble for that and i fully explained why his behaviour was inappropriate and how it makes people feel. he hasnt done this again as far as i know. he has flashed himself at his brother and i worry as they share a room, what else may be going on? he is very often fondling his anus-and putting toys in that area-i see him in the bath sometimes purposely sat on a toy and he has put toys between his buttocks recently. he actually went over the top with the whole privacy thing. he would seek privacy for himself when getting changed even though he wasnt planning on changing his boxers etc. we recently explained to him that it is not okay to stare at someone-if we happen to see another person naked we simply avert our eyes. it is never ever okay to touch another, but if we want to touch/explore ourselves we can do that in private as it is our bodies and our decision. it is fine to see others in their underwear as we are family-if i am comfortable to be seen in my underwear and it doesnt make him uncomfortable to see that, then there is no problem-i told him this as his siblings and me and my partner are very much more open about these things. his siblings only have natural harmless curiosity-simply asking questions etc. today: it was hot last night do i went to bed naked-it was around 3am and i got undressed in my bedroom so no one but my partner knew i was naked. my partner leaves at 5am for work and i woke when he left but fell back asleep again after a few minutes. the next time i woke it was because i felt someone touching me-lower back between my buttocks (right at the top where they meet) SORRY FOR ALL THE DETAILS! i knew immediately that it wasnt my partner as i had seen him leave for work already so i quickly rolled over and saw someone disappear over the side of the bed. then my 8 year old stood up and i asked him just what the hell he was doing. he said he was looking at me. clearly he was doing more than that though. i am absolutely sickened. my son doesnt know this but his father (my partner) isnt actually his father. his father is a man i had a year long relationship with and he was sexually abusive towards me resulting in his 5 year imprisonment. this fact makes me all the more disgusted. can these things be genetic? i may be over reacting but due to my past and having been touched etc sexually, in an abusive manner, i cant even describe my feelings. i dont care if he is only 8, i dont care too much if he was just curious-all i know is that i feel disgusting and dirty all over again. how could my own son do that to me? i am terrified for my other children. again, i am probably over reacting but i cant help the way i feel. i am horrifically sensitive and uncomfortable at the best of times with being touched due to my past experience. anyone would be.

just to clear a few things up: *a pen pal would need an address to send the letters to, so i cannot avoid giving that information out, although i would of course do this through a private message rather than tell the world where we lived. i simply will not allow my children to use a computer regardless of their age, 'modern times', them feeling left out etc....they are perfectly happy with this-you can't miss what you never had and they understand my reasons for the ban; they absolutely do not want to end up as brain dead, unimaginative zombies like most kids (and some adults) nowadays. so, to be clear, there is zero chance of an online pen pal. *i take a massive interest in my kids education and love the bond we share through it. i have the time to dedicate to their education thanks to my amazing partner working full time to support us. we are certainly not wealthy though. we can't complain and rarely need to double check before we buy something (unless its something as expensive as a car for example!), but we know we will never manage to afford a mortgage or go to disney world, so we are not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. home education can be very affordable-there are loads of books to buy from as little as 75p which support the national curriculum, and there are millions of free printables online for all sorts of subjects, plus many creative projects you can do to make educational stuff, using old egg boxes and loo rolls etc. *you have done very well Waterboatman. i left school 10 years ago with just a fail in english (this was the only GCSE i sat as i hadn't attended the other subjects enough to sit the exams). i then redid english and sat my maths exam with the help of a support worker and passed with an A. i hope to study psychology (perhaps criminal) when the children are older and if we have the money. *i asked for a pen pal of any age as oliver has never gravitated towards those his own age, preferring people older (their is no limit) and younger (down to the tiniest babies). but any one within 2 years of his own age is pretty much a no-no. i think he would prefer a teenager or an adult. *i didn't know ASD was largely inherited. i have wondered about myself since olivers diagnosis, but i get on perfectly well in life (at least at the minute) so there is no need to act on suspicions at this stage. thank you for your replies and if there is anything else please leave a comment and i will reply when i can. also, no pen pal offers yet

my young son, oliver, would like a pen pal, and who better than someone on this site who can understand how he sees the world and he can speak candidly to. we have attempted to locate a pen pal before but most people are on the internet now and don't use 'snail mail' any more but my child is not allowed on the computer. with this in mind, a written letter would be the first you/your child would hear from him. a little information about my son (i'm not sure what to write so i shall just write whatever comes to mind): *he is a lover of chess, cluedo and monopoly-these are his favourites but any board game is thrilling for him. he usually plays these games alone, being both players himself (he always wins!). *he enjoys dancing although he isn't terribly good at it due to his poor coordination and general clumsiness, but he enjoys it immensely and is slowly becoming less robotic. *he has gone through phases of loving volcanoes, nature and survival (bear grylls was a favourite) and space among many other things. although these phases of obsession are over, he will still have passionate conversations on these topics if prompted. *he enjoys reading, adores harry potter and david walliams books. his favourites are, i think, a rather silly book called 'danger is everywhere' and 'the curious incident of the dog in the night-time'. *he is home educated and is doing very well in his maths and english averaging 2 years above his peers. *when he is stressed, tired or excited he rubs his face similar to a hamster and 'rocks and rolls' which involves constant almost tipple-tails for hours on end. *he sits like a monkey, which is fitting as he is very monkey like in general, and loves to climb and swing from things. *he is a clever boy and has many interesting facts stored in his mind along with memories he should long have forgotten! *he has a 6 year old brother, a 4 year old sister, a cat and 2 hamsters. there is also obviously me (mamma) and his daddy. *as previously stated, he is not allowed to use a computer, has no newfangled gadgets in fact, so plays with actual toys (a rarity these days, i believe). so he will be absolutely useless at discussing the latest computer/video games etc. *he would rather eat fruit than crisps and recently became a vegetarian; it has been 1 month so far. his favourite meal is meat free hotdogs. *he loves hugs and touching in general, to the point of making the other person uncomfortable sometimes. *he prefers long hair which i trim occasionally to keep it out of his eyes; he HATES this but it must be done. that's is about all i can think of right now. we are looking for any pen pal, regardless of age or sex. if you are older than him and are interested in being his pen pal, please bear in mind that he is only 8 and will, at times, ramble on about childish things. also remember that, at just 8, he may become 'bored' with a pen pal after a length of time; i would happily continue this correspondence in that situation, if wanted. however i believe that he will enjoy speaking to another asd person. okay, thank you for reading and if you are interested please let us know. if you would like to know a little more about him, please get in touch and we are happy to answers any questions you may have. thank you again.

i can't thank you enough for sharing these parts of your life-it has given me real insight. i actually have nothing else to say, i am overwhelmed. just thank you again.

thank you very much for your advice- he is diagnosed as aspergers due to his stimming, clumsiness, speech problems and socialisation skills (or lack thereof) among many other things and i am positive that it is the correct diagnosis but i never even thought that maybe he has another condition! i will look into it. tank you again.

my eldest childs day so far: he began by purposely hiding a calculator so i spent half an hour searching for it, stole and ate his sisters sausage roll (i then told him that sausage rolls have meat in them (he is a vegetarian and knew this fact but didn't think, duh!) his face fell and he cried for ages) he then poured talcum powder on the hallway landing, drew on the bedroom walls (with a pencil luckily) and finished by eating an eraser. also found out he has been playing with matches lately. he pees in everything except the toilet, irritates his siblings mercilessly, steals constantly, lies constantly, rarely brushes his teeth or washes properly, messes around with dangerous stuff (e.g. toilet cleaner, which is on the highest shelf in the house, but nothing stops him!), he carelessly snuck downstairs today and let the hamsters run around the living room floor-completely forgetting that the cat was on the windowsill, he has killed 2 of our fish, he hurts the cat although we know he does love her, we are due to go on holiday soon but i am terrified as he disappeared in the night last time we went. i have now told him that i must supervise him at all times, which means he has to traipse around the house after me wherever i go. compared to his brother and sister, he is an absolute nightmare (2 relatively minor naughty behaviours each today). i often feel i will go mad! the things he gets up to are just simply endless! endless! i am emotionally and mentally exhausted with him. is this normal for aspergers? he is diagnosed. i just don't understand why such a clever boy (aged 8) does so many stupid things. anyone??? i don't believe i am overreacting but i do believe that there must be something that can help him control himself better.

hello, i just have a quick question. my son is 8, has aspergers and rarely shows signs of violence to others or himself. he has never (NEVER) had anything even resembling a tantrum. however, he does struggle with frustration and that can be fairly intense at times. i have heard lots of stories of autistic/aspergers children whose violence escalates when they hit puberty. but can they 'develop' these anger issues in puberty? if my son has never had anger issues, i would assume that he won't be a violent teenager. am i wrong? thank you

hi, looking for a little advice. my 8 year old son has Aspergers and his behaviour goes up and down-months of perfection then months of disobeying rules, lying and hurting his siblings. he has just started another phase of less attractive behaviour and this morning strangled his 6 year old brother because a game they were playing wasn't going exactly as he wanted it to. i have banished him to his room for the rest of the day without his christmas toys. i wonder if i should switch him and his sisters rooms so he can't harm his brother anymore. this would be an upheaval for his sister (3) who loves her own girly room and it would cause me a lot of grief as the mess and noise my 2 youngest make together is horrendous. my other worry is that my 8 year old is very introverted and plays alone all day (monopoly, chess etc) and reads all night (harry potter at the minute), then late at night he stims for hours so he basically doesn't play with his siblings very often at all. giving him his own room would make this worse, surely? and that is obviously not healthy. i'm really torn over what to do here. any suggestions are greatly appreciated. thank you.

thank you both so much for your kind words. i have reread my original post and i didn't explain very well, did i?! it sounded as though the social worker etc were all a lie, but i felt that my post was long enough and i didn't want to make it longer with any more words! it was an extremely difficult situation. the social worker originally asked us when we were planning on telling our son the truth and i said when he was mature enough to deal with it-maybe a teenager? the social worker replied that wasn't soon enough and he was looking for around 7/8 years old, which i outright refused to do as i still didn't feel it was old enough. but it was the only way so i rang him and agreed---then he denied saying that in the first place and insisted that we tell my son immediately. i argued and tried to explain how that was an inappropriate age to learn of such a thing but he was adamant. after a few weeks thinking, i decided to go for it (again, it was the only way to get the adoption). so i told my son hoping that due to his young age he would forget the information soon enough. after i had told my son, i was then informed that the truth had to be told repeatedly, my son had to recall all details of the situation and have an opinion on the matter. (i do think this is ludicrous as no one gets to choose their parents and if they are not being harmed then whats the problem? how can a 4 year old decide whether he wants his dad to be his dad?!) anyway, this was the last straw. why couldn't the social worker have told me the truth right from the start so i could make an informed decision? now my head was all over the place, i had already told my son and he was fearful. i couldn't take any more. i did not lodge a complain or get legal advice or anything. i just wanted to forget about the whole thing, i felt so confused, sick and ashamed. i told the social worker to f*** off (which he promptly did) and explained to my son that it had all been a lie. that was the end of that. do you think he could be adopted now without knowing the truth? i just gave up and tried to make peace with the fact that this would never happen. maybe i'm wrong? will my son having aspergers make a difference (understanding/ability to cope)? i will look into it! again, really really thank you for your kind words and i'm sorry this post is so long! i have a bad habit of doing that! thank you