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Fletts

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About Fletts

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    Bromley
  1. Emily, You're wonderful! Thank you for all your ideas and good advice. I've got a lot to think about. Best wishes
  2. Emily, Thank you, every bit of info about AS helps me to be more understanding. I agree with you that accepting that he has AS is the key challenge. He thinks that people with ASDs are retards (so, sorry his words not mine). Getting it through to him that this isn't the case is the difficulty. It stems from the fact that AS is on the autistic spectrum and he doesn't want to be thought of as autistic in any way. That's why I wondered if he met other people with AS he might realise his mistake. He did go to a younger group when he was 14, but was asked not to go back. He says it was because he didn't have AS, the group leader said that it was because he was upsetting some of the other boys. My son can be quite intense and loud (not so much so now) and it was too much for the boys who found social interaction very difficult. Thank you for the tips about the psychiatrist and opening up conversations with him. I have printed off the posts about standard AS behaviour which I think he could relate to and find quite amusing. Especially the bits about clothes. He bought a new coat several months ago and took the trouble to try to buy something fashionable. Someone has just told him it is out of fashion now. He checked it out with his older sister, who confirmed that yes actually it's a bit "last year", his reply was "what? I have to buy a new one each time the fashion changes?" "fraid so" said his sister, "but I can't keep up" he said. His sister will take him shopping for something new. We are in the process of getting a comunity care assessment and are hoping to have a support worker allocated to him. It will be similar to what you mentioned the NAS do, someone specifically trained in ASDs. He went to a mainstream school (was expelled from first 2) which I think he found hard, but it did teach him how to fit in I suppose. The trouble was it was very difficult to motivate him to go and we had to take him every day. I think he would find college very hard unless it was small and geared up for him. He isn't a very good time keeper and meeting deadlines for coursework etc, would be hard. The other problem is there isn't anything he's interested in studying. I'm not ruling it out though, he's got the rest of his life to do these things. Ever thought of moving to Bromley? Best wishes
  3. Emily, Thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply. I can see now that he is probably in a similar situation to the one you were in at 16. I know he doesn't want to get into trouble, and I know he doesn't want to hurt us, but something is compelling him to do these things and it is probably peer pressure and the desire to fit in as you say. He doesn't do them alone, I'm pretty sure about that. Unfortunately, he isn't very discriminating when it comes to friends and won't accept that they are not the best people to hang around with. I think he finds "rougher" boys easier to get on with, they seem to accept him as he is. Unfortunately he is of the strong opinion that he doesn't have AS and that the psychiatrist who diagnosed him was "a rubbish psychiatrist". He doesn't like to talk very much, let alone anything to do with AS. However, I have seen changes in him over the years, he is maturing. He used to smoke a lot of skunk, but has cut down vastly of his own accord. He had a couple of panic attacks and got carted off to the hospital. He has stepped up the drinking, though, but might decide to cut down on that too hopefully. From what you say he could and probably is feeling pretty cut adrift at the moment. I am waiting for an appointment at the Maudsley Hospital with a specialist in ASDs who is also a forensic psychiatrist. I'm hoping he will be able to make a breakthrough with him to get him to see his situation as it really is. Only then will he be able to cut himself free from this destructive lifestyle. I would be interested if you think getting a job helps and whether I should encourage him to go to the local AS club for 18-25 year olds. Best wishes
  4. I can really relate to some of these posts. I have wondered if it was just me. I think I have some of the difficulties with socialising in the same way my son does. I'm fine, one to one and with my family, but I've never felt the need for lots of friends the way some women seem to (including my own 26 year old daughter). I used to avoid the school gate thing as well. I never really felt I fitted in and didn't feel the same as them. I also knew they didn't like my son, so avoided them for that reason as well (oh dear, getting all upset now, think I'd better stop).
  5. Hi Curra, If you really aren't making a noise, there is absolutely no way you can be evicted. If noise, such as dropping things is travelling because of no carpeting, ask your G.P. if he could write a letter explaining your sons condition and why carpeting wouldn't be appropriate and give it to the your housing officer. You are in a strong position because your son has a disability. Although I understand you don't want to discuss it with the neighbours (don't think I'd really want to either), make sure the council know about this. There are laws to protect disabled people and the council have to accept that modifications are necessary at home as they are in the workplace. To not allow "reasonable" adjustments is discriminatry. Also, these are the noises of normal living. I don't think your neighbours have any chance of evicting you. The organisation, Shelter (if you can get through on their helplines) have really good housing advisors that could help put your mind at rest about your rights on this.
  6. Lou, Goodness, he really is anxious, I can see why you have to be very careful. You must keep him safe (mentally, as well as physically). It's such a burden though, I do understand. Best wishes
  7. Hi Lou, I don't know what's worse, a lad that won't go out like your son or one like mine who goes out and gets into loads of trouble. What I have found, is that my son has changed a lot in the last 18 months. He is becoming more mature, so we can sometimes have a conversation with him about the future. Of course it's difficult, as he doesn't always want to talk and he doesn't grasp things straight away, so it is a long process. What I could explain in a couple of sentences about say, tenancy agreements, deposits and rents in advance to a NT person just doesn't compute with my son. He gets overloaded with information, shouts "aargh! What are you talking about" and puts his hands over his ears and storms off to his room. The next day he will calmly ask for clarification, and you realise he only took in the bit about tenancy agreements not the rest of it. Of course once he has "got it" it's OK and he retains it. I do find this "drip, drip" approach to information works the best. I used to avoid talking to him about difficult things, like moving out as I don't "talk his language" if you know what I mean. I find it difficult to remember the rules about speaking directly and literally and avoiding euphamisms, so conversations end in him misunderstanding where I'm coming from and getting cross with me and me acusing him of being rude and horrible and feeling really hurt even though my head knows he hasn't done it on purpose. But I decided we just have to talk about certain things, no matter how difficult and I have been surprised that although the first time is difficult and he doesn't like it, he almost always goes away and thinks about it and comes back to me with his thoughts about it and it's then that we have a mature conversation about what ever it is. You could try bringing up the future in a very casual way, for instance when you are out or see something on T.V. involving little children, you could say something like "ah aren't they cute, they seem really happy, would you like to have children one day?". To which the answer might be "no", but you could then ask why and it would give you an opportunity to find out what he is worried about. I think you shouldn't be frightened of starting him off thinking about living independently. What I say to my son about it is, well if you don't like living on your own, just come back. That way I hope he feels relaxed about it. However, it hasn't happened yet, which takes me on to your next point about social services. We have been messed about by them awfully, so decided enough was enough and went to a solicitor. We immediately got a response from social services that they would come and assess him. However, we were told beware, because although they have a legal duty to assess disabled people, for their needs, they can set their own eligibility criteria and they will make sure that when they do the assessment that they won't put AS people in the eligible bracket. This is because the local authorities have budgets for certain groups only, e.g., learning disabled, mentally ill and physically disabled. AS folk don't fall into these catagories. I think it is disgusting that the government has laid down laws that all disabled people should have their needs met, but local authorities can overide this. However, everything can be challenged and our solicitor has commissioned an independent social worker to do a community care assessment on my son. He is very experienced and knowledgeable about ASDs and was shocked at the problems my son is having and the impact on the family and in his opinion he is at the "critical" level of need. It is at this level that social services would have to help. We will still probably have to take the local authority to court, but it will be difficult for social services to argue against our "independent expert" (we hope). If we don't win, we will have to consider renting privately a small flat for him, but that won't be easy as he is on benefits and landlords don't want dss tenants. We can't give up hope of him moving out though as it really is too depressing. Sorry about the length of this message, but it feels good to talk about it. Best wishes
  8. TuX, Thank you very much for your reply. I found it particularly helpful. Can I ask you if you find your arrangement OK? What I mean is, I am assuming you have AS, but don't have learning difficulties, so do you feel you are in an appropriate environment? We are finding that social workers have no idea of the extent of the help that my son will need for independent living, just as you say. best wishes.
  9. My 18 year old son has AS and is constantly in trouble with the police. The things he is doing are getting worse and worse. He started when he was 14 by stealing a bottle of cider from a supermarket, since then he has progressed to, graffitti, dealing in stolen bank notes, stealing cars and joy riding, fighting and public order offences. He also has stolen my jewellery and pawned it, stolen our credit cards for online gambling and steals money from purses and wallets. He recently said he had killed someone and told us where he had left him. We called the police who searched for the person with a helicopter and dogs, but didn't find anyone. It turned out to be a lie which he had made up to try to cover up for stealing and wrecking our car. He's also always trying to perpertrate some sort of get rich scam. One of them was selling "surprise" boxes on ebay. People were invited to bid for the boxes for the "surprise" that was in them. Of course there wasn't anything in them and he got banned from ebay. He also has run up a bill with a mobile phone company of �600 within just 3 months. Fortunately the citizens advice bureau persuaded the mobile phone company that is was an illegal contract and it was written off. These are just a few of the things he has been doing. Of course we are worried where it is all going to lead. He seems to be quite unremorseful and doesn't appear to have any idea of the seriousness of his wrong doings. It's like he is in some sort of cartoon world of his own, where things that happen don't have any real tangible impact. He seems to have become disconnected from reality somehow. Is it just the Asperger's that is causing him to behave like this I wonder?, Or is there another condition he's got. I don't know many other boys with AS, but the ones I have come across don't behave like this. We are waiting for an appointment for him to see a forensic psychiatrist, who might be able to get to the bottom of it. I feel ashamed of my boy he is a menance, a danger to himself and society. Of course he won't listen to us and take any of our advice. I have to say I do feel out of my depth with him. Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing with their children?
  10. Hi Elizabeth, We have an 18 year old son with Asperger's and have been told by social services that he won't meet their eligibility criteria for assistance. This seems to be a regular response from all the social services. However, they do accept he is entitled to a care assessment. It's ridiculous that he can have the assessment but not the help. Anyway, now that my son is 18 he can get his legal costs paid under the legal aid scheme as he is on a low income. Social services have now come and started the assessment, but in the meatime, anticipating them rejecting our request for help as he doesn't meet their eligibility criteria we (on behalf of our son) have gone to a solicitor. The solicitor was recommended to us by Bromley Autistic Trust. The solicitor has commisioned a care assessment from an independent social worker. The independent social worker is very experienced in this field and has met us and our son. His opinion is that our son is in the "critical" need area. Apparently, he needs to be deemed as being at this level of need to meet the social services eligibility criteria. However, he expects the council to fight it and has warned us the case will probably go to court. It seems to me that your sister in law is definitely in critical need also, but this is a very difficult problem for you to try to resolve yourself. Social services (in my experience) are not easy to deal with. They take advantage of the fact that most people don't know their rights or the system and the procedures. Consider getting a solicitor to act and advise you (on behalf of your sister in law). They will be a buffer between you and social services and you won't feel you have to swat up on all the legal stuff, that's their job. All best wishes.
  11. I am a mother of an 18 year old boy who has AS. I joined this site to see what other people's experiences were. I have been feeling very misarable lately due to my sons behaviour and am feeling very trapped knowing there is no way out, ever! Usually it is the children who when they go up want to leave home, but if I could, I would walk out and never go back. I think I am very depressed. Usually I bounce back after a week or so after one of his "epsiodes" , but its not happening this time. What this site has done for me is to realise I'm not being pathetic as I see so many other people feeling the way I do. It has also made me realise that me and my family are not the only ones being let down by social services. We have had to get a solicitor to help us fight our case with our local authority. It's been years of struggling, struggling for help and struggling with living with my son. But it really has helped me start to put some perspective back in my mind on our situation seeing what other people are also going through. I had no idea so very many other people were being treated so badly. Good luck to you all.
  12. Tina, I have a boy of 18 with AS and I remember how I felt when he was diagnosed. There is a kind of greiving you go through for the child you realise you will never have. It's an awful time. You might finding joining your local NAS support group and talking to others who have gone through it useful. Regarding the work situation, you may have a case for "constructive dismisal". You could look for a lawyer who has experience of employment law or try speaking to your trades union people (even if you don't work there anymore) as I think they may be very keen to help you. The attitude you encountered goes against "family friendly" policies that most large employers have these days. If you are on a low income you could get legal aid with a lawyer. As for your employers remark "can't you give him a pill or something", I'm afraid there is a lot of ignorance out there about ASDs even amongst psychiatrists, teachers and social workers and I have found it very difficult as well myself at times (especially when I'm put on the defensive about my son) to articulatley describe his problems. The problem we face is that our childrens disability is invisible and so we don't get the sympathy that parents with say a child who has cerebral palsy or downs sydrome get from the public. Not only that, research has shown that as parents of children with ASDs we suffer more stress and are under more strain than parents of children with these other disabilities. I do hope you will be OK.
  13. I am a mother with an 18 year old son with AS. He has been a very difficult child to bring up and an equally difficult adolescent. He is constantly getting into trouble with the law. He doesn't work and sleeps till 2.00 p.m and then is awake most of the night moving round the house and waking us up. He will not talk to us about how his life is going and we are extremely concerned. Our family is at breaking point with him. However, we are reluctant to ask him to leave home as we don't think he would survive on his own. In fact his sister thinks he would die (literally). We are currently in the process of a social services community care assessment for him, but I don't hold out any hope for much help from them. I was wondering if there are any other parents that could tell me if their children have left home and how they fared.
  14. I have a son with AS who is 18 years old and he has been recieving DLA for some years now. My advice is to take the form very seriously, in as much that, just putting down his diagnosise will not automatically mean you will be awarded the benefit. It is also import I feel that you get your doctor/psychiatrist to fill their bit in. That will carry some weight. Don't be restricted by the little boxes they give you to say things, put it on a seperate sheet. Put down what its like when its really bad, not what its like when its been a good day. It's not lying, and remember you and your son are entitled to financial help. I always tick the box that asks if it is a mental health problem. I know that it isn't a mental illness, but there isn't an appropriate alternative box to tick. If you have joined your local NAS group, make sure you ask around to see who has been awarded the DLA and maybe one of them will sit with you to do the form (in pencil first). It takes me weeks to do because its difficult to do in one sitting. Don't worry about how long it takes, give yourself time. Also, I find I get quite upset when I do the form. Putting down in writing my sons difficulties is heartbreaking. Also, do photocopy it. This will not only help if they lose it, and the benefits agency is notorious for losing forms, it will help you when you have to fill it in again. Good luck!
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