Parenting teens with asd

[Kazzen161]

I have been asked to advise re: a parenting course specifically for parents of teens with special needs.

 

It would be useful if any of you with teens with asd could tell me what you would have liked to have known - particularly the things that have been different to parenting NT teens (they already run a very good parenting teens course).

 

Also, for those of you with younger children with asd - tell me what you would like to know about the teen years.

 

 

Thanks

 

Karen

[Bullet]

Ooh, I can genuinely reply to this now with my own experience

Bullet gets all excited

 

Ok, going by my own memories (and a lot of things that are affecting me now), here's some things that might help:

 

1: The teenager may feel uncomfortable and stressed at eating in a noisy or crowded situation, eg a school or college hall. Allow them the opportunity to eat in a smaller, quieter environment.

 

2: The teenager could be extremely disorganised and even if they know they need something, may not know how to ask for it. To give you a personal example I spent my entire secondary school PE lessons in the same PE kit because I couldn't say that I needed a new one.

 

3: The teenager probably will not care what others think of their appearance, personal hygiene, fashion sense, taste in music etc. Let them dress pretty much as they want within reason outside school if there's a uniform and just keep prompting them to keep clean and tidy.

 

4: The teenager could be very immature for their age and may want to continue playing with toys for longer than most NT children. Let them, it's not the end of the world.

 

5: The teenager, whilst being verbal most of the time, may suffer from problems such as selective mutism in worrying or upsetting situations, not being able to articulate their wants or feelings, hearing the words but interpreting them as though they're a foreign language, problems with pausing in the wrong places during talking and not knowing when to enter a conversation and initiating conversations. Don't push the teenager to talk but if they seem particularly withdrawn give them another medium to explain themselves, eg writing.

Edited November 2, 2006 by Bullet

[Canopus]

Special needs covers a very wide spectrum.

 

Some of the things applicable for AS I would include are:

 

1. Information about alternatives to school including exams and qualifications.

 

2. Advice on suitable careers and how to go about accessing them.

 

3. Lies and misinformation peddled by the so called professionals.

 

4. An index of support groups and psychologists specialising in AS.

 

5. A list of books and websites about AS.

 

6. Information about social skills.

[badonkadonk]

Hey,

 

Bullet's made some really good points so I've not a lot to add really.

 

One major thing that sticks out for me when I remember back to being in high school is that I felt the need to try and please all "my friends" all the time and I didn't know how to say no. Hence I was incredibly gullable and naive and very prone to bullying. I don't quite know how you can teach a child with an ASD to be non these things, but it is something that the parents can look out for and teachers at school also so that it might be able to be prevented.

 

I think another thing that parents of children with ASDs could benefit from knowing is that, often, bad behaviour is as a result of something else. It doesn't always happen that way I know, but often negative behaviour has been triggered by something else. To try and look beyond the bad behaviour to possibly see/find out what the trigger is, is incredibly hard to do but its usefulness can not be put into words. The less time you spend punishing the child or shouting at them for their bad behaviour and the more time you put into finding out what is causing the bad behaviour the more productive the situation can be.

 

I'm having a bit of a brain freeze because I hate thinking back to my teens lol, it was a pretty horrific experience. I think one more point I would like to make though is that while SEN teens do have extra needs or do need adjustments being made for them... at the end of the day they are still just teenagers. Give them time, give them support and give them a lot of love. Their body is all out of sync and growing and changing and their hormones are raging and for ASD kids in particular who don't like change...the whole darn process is pretty much impossible to cope "well" with. Try and be positive and make those necessary adjustments for your asd kids. Don't drag them to christenings or weddings or family parties if they don't like going. They are teenagers now and as long as they aren't a danger to themselves when they are home alone, leave them home alone! If they want to go then fair enough let them go but if they are dragging their feet getting ready or being moody and miserable in the build up to going out then that's a fair indicator that they don't want to go. I don't put myself through social situations anymore unless I want to and I don't feel like I'm missing out because I know I'm much happier at home. I think coming to terms with the fact that ASDs cannot be molded to fit the norms of society but that the way you live your life can be adapted to cater for your ASD teens is a good lesson to learn.

 

Good luck!

 

Emily

xxx

[Nic m]

Karen, my daughter is nearly 10 but we are already coming up against teen stuff. Some girls in her class are already quite well developed and they are talking about boys and smoking! My big worry is that Hayley is very gullible and will do anything to fit in with her peers. How do you help them to say no, to say they have to think about things etc.At the moment she can use me as an excuse for not doing things but this will become more difficult as she gets older.Boys!!! where do i start sex education what is ok whats not. all the usual teen stuff just how you word things.At the moment she tells me everything but this may change so i need to be prepared. Good luck and well done i think it is a great idea.

Nicola

[oxgirl]

I have been asked to advise re: a parenting course specifically for parents of teens with special needs.

 

It would be useful if any of you with teens with asd could tell me what you would have liked to have known - particularly the things that have been different to parenting NT teens (they already run a very good parenting teens course).

 

Also, for those of you with younger children with asd - tell me what you would like to know about the teen years.

Thanks

 

Karen

 

 

My son is 13 in a couple of weeks. The main thing I'd like to know is how to encourage socializing. He has no friends and nowhere to go and I worry that he'll just get more isolated as he gets older. Also, independence. He's terrified of being alone and we can't leave him in the house and pop to the shop or the postbox and he can't pop over to the shop or anywhere else on his own or anything like that, he's totally dependant on being taken out by adults.

 

~ Mel ~

[bid]

OK, here goes...

 

The biggest 'difficult' thing I have found is moving on from my son's depression and the breakdown he had when he was 13-15.

 

It can be very difficult to see your young person as they are 'now' rather than the very unwell child you had a few years ago, if that makes sense...you have to be brave and let them do things and try things because once they have moved through a breakdown they are someone who can do things now.

 

Don't know if that makes any sense at all!! It struck me when my son shouted at me in frustration 'I'm not that person anymore!!'

 

Bid

[Jill]

Sex education / changes in their bodies. It's gotta be handled differently for our kids - I mean I learnt mostly from friends, but you really wouldn't want our kids to learn that way, not knowing how to extract what's true & what's utter bs.

Edited November 2, 2006 by Jill

[Bullet]

If it's any consolation I had so little desire to fit in, or be part of a crowd (though I did want to have some friends, just didn't know how) that things like peer pressure made absolutely no difference to me.

[Kazzen161]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

I have three teens: one son with AS who couldn't care less about being "cool", one son with AS who does sometimes get annoyed that he can't do "cool" and one NT son for whom being "cool" is the most important thing of all - and I know which one is the hardest to deal with at the moment!

 

I did say to the lady that she will probably need different courses for different special needs.

 

I have started to put together a list of things to include/cover, so I will add all your suggestions.

 

Karen

[Kathryn]

I identify with what Bid has said.

 

Getting the balance right between independence and support is something I struggle with as the parent of a teen. As a young person reaches 16 and then 18 the world expects them to take on adult responsibilities they might not quite be ready for. How as a parent does one help to bridge the gap, especially at a time when official support services tend to tail off, either because the young person no longer wants the help offered, or they are too old to access children's services any more.

 

Canopus has already suggested some topics I was thinking of: compared to the information available for parents of younger children, information about the post 16 education set- up, employment and careers is less readily available. So factual information about education and benefits would be really helpful, I think.

 

K x

[curra]

Getting the balance right between being consistent, firm etc and giving him support is also tricky. My son knows the rules and the consequences for trespassing them, but like all teenagers , he wants to do things in his own way, loses his temper, or gets defiant. Confrontation is out of the question with him because it doesn't help at all. Sanctions make him feel unloved and rejected. Being mother has never been such an energy demanding job lately as I try all the time to get it right... but not always suceed. In my opinion, just like with all teenagers, our children need independence, but not too much because they also need guidance and a parent who has got answers if they need them. My son also can't be alone and can't do anything by himself, but he says that he wants to be independent. It's an age when they need a lot of help to grow up. I am giving my son that help at his own pace, without pushing him. Socializing is difficult too. Going to a group of Aspie kids can be helpful.

 

Curra X0

[lynyona]

I totally agree with bullet could be describing Kieran .He is 20 now so not a teenager anymore , he hasnt changed anyway shape or form in his ways or ideas he still loves his Thomas Tank engine as he did when he was 7 or 8.The socialising element has been the biggest worry for me as he has major problems going out maybe even to agrophobic but he is quite happy about it. His only one good friend always has to come here even though he s been invited to his house.I will say even when his friend comes and stays i notice that while kieran will have a conversation with him and they play the xbox and playstation together, kieran does also carry on like he isnt here if you know what i mean,not ignoring him just doing things the same as he does every day instead of asking his friend what he wants to do as well.So there sits kieran on his games console and i usually let his friend on my laptop.

 

 

 

 

lynn

[pearl]

What everyone else said plus:

 

it helped me enormously when someone told me that kids with aspergers (not sure about autism) develop emotionally at two-thirds their chronological age.

 

So, J at 17 is emotionally more like a 11-12 year old.

 

You cant treat them exactly the same as a 12 year old, but neither can you expect the normal maturity of their chronological age.

 

J worries about this, but I said, when you are 30 you'll be 20 emotionally, not that much difference, it will be less noticable as you get older.

[pearl]

My son is 13 in a couple of weeks. The main thing I'd like to know is how to encourage socializing. He has no friends and nowhere to go and I worry that he'll just get more isolated as he gets older. Also, independence. He's terrified of being alone and we can't leave him in the house and pop to the shop or the postbox and he can't pop over to the shop or anywhere else on his own or anything like that, he's totally dependant on being taken out by adults.

 

~ Mel ~

<'> Mel, J was v like this at 13. Now at 17 he's at 6th form, he gets the college bus there & the service bus back, he queues up & pays for his food in the noisy canteen, he goes to enrichment clubs at college, he's halfway to a black belt in taekwondo, he's learning to drive, he recently went to his first grown up party (dont ask, my nails have just started growing again), he goes off to the barbers to get his hair cut (NEVER thought that would happen) I could go on, but the point is, all this has happened in the last 2 years & even writing it down like this I can hardly believe it. J doesnt socialise like others of his age, but by having interests such as taekwondo he's involved with others in the community, which is fine by me.

Take heart, hun <'>

[oxgirl]

<'> Mel, J was v like this at 13. Now at 17 he's at 6th form, he gets the college bus there & the service bus back, he queues up & pays for his food in the noisy canteen, he goes to enrichment clubs at college, he's halfway to a black belt in taekwondo, he's learning to drive, he recently went to his first grown up party (dont ask, my nails have just started growing again), he goes off to the barbers to get his hair cut (NEVER thought that would happen) I could go on, but the point is, all this has happened in the last 2 years & even writing it down like this I can hardly believe it. J doesnt socialise like others of his age, but by having interests such as taekwondo he's involved with others in the community, which is fine by me.

Take heart, hun <'>

 

 

Thanks so much pearl. <'> <'> I feel like weeping, honestly, at the thought of my J achieving half as much as your lad has. It's hard to comprehend, it would be a dream come true if he could cope as well as this. Thanks for the inspiration, it's hard sometimes to hang on to the hope, the future seems so uncertain sometimes, it's so good to hear that things can work out so successfully. You must be so proud and relieved. <'> <'>

Good on you both!

 

~ Mel ~

[Clare63]

Thanks so much pearl. <'> <'> I feel like weeping, honestly, at the thought of my J achieving half as much as your lad has. It's hard to comprehend, it would be a dream come true if he could cope as well as this. Thanks for the inspiration, it's hard sometimes to hang on to the hope, the future seems so uncertain sometimes, it's so good to hear that things can work out so successfully. You must be so proud and relieved. <'> <'>

Good on you both!

 

~ Mel ~

 

I could not agree more with Mel, thanks Pearl for the hope and inspiration

Clare x <'> <'> <'>

[pearl]

Thanks so much pearl. <'> <'> I feel like weeping, honestly, at the thought of my J achieving half as much as your lad has. It's hard to comprehend, it would be a dream come true if he could cope as well as this. Thanks for the inspiration, it's hard sometimes to hang on to the hope, the future seems so uncertain sometimes, it's so good to hear that things can work out so successfully. You must be so proud and relieved. <'> <'>

Good on you both!

 

~ Mel ~

Phew, thanks Mel (& Claire) reading it back I wondered did it look like I was showing off, glad it had the desired effect! Yes we still have meltdowns, tensions run high in our house, he is buttock clenchingly slow at doing stuff, I wonder if he'll hold down a job, have his own place, yada yada, but you know its helping me reading others posts too as it really does make you realise how far your child can come. You dont notice it when you see it every day, then you read someones post & think, hang on a mo, J was like that.... & now he isnt!

 

I posted a really "down" post the other night when we got a depressing ed psych report ready for HE & got loads of comfort from the replies. I wish I'd discovered this place ages ago.

 

I've just finished "Born on a Blue Day" by Daniel Tammet, do read that if you want cheering up. Forget the savant stuff, its the fact he is happily settled with his soul mate that brought a lump to my throat.

[oxgirl]

Phew, thanks Mel (& Claire) reading it back I wondered did it look like I was showing off, glad it had the desired effect! Yes we still have meltdowns, tensions run high in our house, he is buttock clenchingly slow at doing stuff, I wonder if he'll hold down a job, have his own place, yada yada, but you know its helping me reading others posts too as it really does make you realise how far your child can come. You dont notice it when you see it every day, then you read someones post & think, hang on a mo, J was like that.... & now he isnt!

 

I posted a really "down" post the other night when we got a depressing ed psych report ready for HE & got loads of comfort from the replies. I wish I'd discovered this place ages ago.

 

I've just finished "Born on a Blue Day" by Daniel Tammet, do read that if you want cheering up. Forget the savant stuff, its the fact he is happily settled with his soul mate that brought a lump to my throat.

 

 

Doesn't sound like you're showing off at all, although you've every right to, sounds like you've done a wonderful job. I know what you mean about not noticing their progress though. Sometimes I get so caught up in being fearful for the future and then I read about someone describing their five-year-old and, like you, I suddenly think, oh wow, we have come a long way actually. <'> <'>

 

Hang in there. <'>

 

~ Mel ~