I need some feedback and/or advice please if possible

[squenge]

I will give a little bit of background, my partner and I met when I was 16, he was almost 18.

We had a turbulent relationship, and split up a few times-I got pregnant when I was 17.

 

We are now 28 and 29

 

He has always been very cold when it comes to emotion, was not too bothered about me or our son for a long time, he went out and did his thing (Usually fixing cars with his mates as that's his thing-or "obsession" if you like....) and I just got on with life and caring for Ben, we saw Simon when we saw him basically.

 

I became quite seriously ill about four years ago now, and to start with he just didn't seem to care, his attitude was kind of: "Well if you can be angry with me, you must be feeling better"-so cold. Everything's so black & white for him, no compromise.

 

We have developed a much better relationship in the last few years, but his behaviour still worries me greatly. Our son recently started a medication called Strattera for ADD, and we were reading the accompanying leaflet when something caught my eye.

 

It had a list of the symptoms that affect adult sufferers of ADHD, and to my (And Simons) absolute astonishment, virtually every symptom was him down to a t!

I have asked him to go for help at the doctors before now, because I thought he had a temper problem and all the memory problems he has needed addressing, but he went there and when the guy asked him what was wrong, Simon simply did not know how to explain himself-he kind of mumbled that he didn't like people staring at him and didn't like going out to where there are loads of people, for instance town or shops.

 

The guy just said:"Oh well, that's perfectly normal, most people feel like that.", so Simon left as he could not express himself clearly enough. Since then he has promised to get some help, but does not know who he can talk to as he does not know how to express his problems-he went to the doctors once and when they asked him what his problem was-he just said:"I don't know...".

 

 

It's just that as our son Ben has got older and far more fluent in his speech-they seem to clash loads of the time, and I feel permanently stuck in the middle. Also I see more and more how similar they both are, they use the same phrases, have the same impatience and bad tempers...

 

If I ask Simon to do something, he will forget almost instantly-but he knows how to strip car engines and put them back together, but he can't remember something I've just asked him to do a few seconds ago.

 

It's the same with Ben, I can ask him to get his shoes from in front of him and he will forget within literally seconds, and yet he can hold almost unlimited information inside his head about his favourite subjects/obsessions.

 

The thing is, it is starting to make me really unhappy-I know they probably can't help it, but living in what seems to be a permanent ticking time-bomb is stressing me out a lot.

Because they have so little patience, they get cross with each other quite quickly-the more one gets angry, the more angry the other one gets!

 

I can just see from watching them-(and refereeing all the time!)-that they are just so similar in almost every way, and I feel sad because I really don't think Simon can help it-just like Ben can't.

 

I wondered if anyone here has a partner that also has AS or ADHD, and if so-could you give me a bit of feedback please?

I don't know how to go about asking my doctor to assess Simon and possibly diagnose him, Simon just cannot explain himself to the doctor, he cannot explain the seriousness of how it's affecting his life-so they just brush him off.

 

I would like to know if there's anyone out there that was diagnosed as an adult, and how did you go about it?

Also if there are any people living with partners that have AS and/or ADD/ADHD, I would love to hear your feedback too.

 

Sorry to ramble, but things are starting to get on top of me a little and I would love to know how I could have go about finding some help for my partner, as it makes him unhappy at times too.

 

The last straw for me came today when our son Ben came out of school and handed me an NSPCC leaflet:"Stop the violence-How to keep children safe", he said he thought I would like it.

When I asked him why he thought I would like it, he replied:"Well, I thought it might help you sort Dad out.".

 

I felt a bit terrible but then could also see the funny side after I explained that Dad is not violent-he said:"I know, but last night you were telling him off for shouting at me.". Bless him.

Even Simon saw the funnyness in that one!

 

I think it's time that simon gets some help, or at least some kind of assessment for AS/ADD/ADHD, but I know how to go about it-and he wouldn't be able to explain it to anyone.

 

If anyone can offer feedback, advice or information-I will be so grateful. Thank you,

Leila.

[TheNeil]

Hi Leila,

 

I've been where you are, to a certain degree (I was the one in my mariage who turned out to have an ASD) so I can only explain what I did. Sadly the first port of call for all of these things is your GP but how you approach him/her is obviously a big factor. If you're both certain that he has an ASD or ADHD (I'm not doubting it by the way) then be prepared to stand by your convictions

 

When I first brought the subject up with my GP I went fully prepared with online test results (I'm AS by the way so there are some tests I could do), details of the traits and symptoms and I'd worked out what I was going to say, what made me think that I had specific traits (along with examples) and I also dragged my other half with me - partly to calm me down, partly to re-assure and partly to act as a 'witness'. Some GPs are more open to these kinds of things than others though so you might find it a struggle - it's at times like this that you have to stand firm and not let them 'talk you out of it'

 

Go to the GP and be prepared but don't go in demanding a diagnosis or proclaiming that you have A, B or C. My approach was to say that I'd become aware of Autism and seemed to see bits and pieces of that in me. After more investigation "I was 'concerned' enough to come along and discuss the possibility". It's ridiculous but you almost have to butter the doctor up to a certain degree so that they feel as though they're in control and that you're not dictating to them. You might get asked why a diagnosis would make any difference and other questions along these lines so being prepared is essential

 

The only other thing that I'd say is that you shouldn't expect your GP to wave a magic wand or give you a yes/no answer there and then. My GP listened to what I had to say, admitted that she didn't know much about ASDs but that she'd refer me to a psychologist. It might take a long time but it's worth it in the end

[squenge]

Thanks, I know it's not going to be an instant thing, I just wondered how to go about getting some help.

 

He was referred to a mental health guy by the doctor, but when he got there he didn't know what to say-he tried to explain about not liking people to look at him, and didn't get very far before the guy told him that he was perfectly mormal. He told Simon that he would send to him to a group for people with "social anxiety", but as Simon hates being around groups of people-that was his idea of a nightmare!!

 

I am definately going to do more research before approaching our g.p, I appreciate your comments-thank you.

 

It's just become very clear to me when watching Simon and Ben together that they do and say so many similar things-obviously there's going to be a lot of that anyway being father & son, but I just get the feeling that there's a bit more to it than that.

 

And by the way, Simon is a very nice person-I hope I didn't make him sound like a monster!

He is now a great dad and partner, he's grown up a lot since his teen years (Well we both have I guess), it's just that having him and Ben around doing the same things drives me up the wall a bit sometimes!

 

Thanks for your comments.

[butterfingersbimbo]

i was asking the same question for my sis the other week! am just waiting for her to go to the gp now....funny actually cos i think that my ex husband had a lot of traits and have often wondered if things might have turned out differently if he had been dx. some of my friends have also thought this too!

 

Does your son have autism along with his ADD? i have found that it can make a big difference!

[squenge]

i was asking the same question for my sis the other week! am just waiting for her to go to the gp now....funny actually cos i think that my ex husband had a lot of traits and have often wondered if things might have turned out differently if he had been dx. some of my friends have also thought this too!

 

Does your son have autism along with his ADD? i have found that it can make a big difference!

 

Yes, my son has Asperger Syndrome too, he was diagnosed with both at about the same time, but we have been told he is "on the autistic spectrum" since he was about 3-4 years ago and they kicked him out of pre-school for being too hectic.

 

He was "lost in the system" and has only just been properly assessed this summer when I removed him from school for various reasons-one of them being that the school had been recieving 22hrs per week of funding for a 1-to-1 helper, but giving him nothing.

 

Now that he is getting older and can speak properly (he didn't really talk properly until he was about 6-7) , I have been noticing the interaction between him and his dad and how similar they are in their way of thinking and the phrases they use.

It's almost comical in a way, but it can be very frustrating when I'm hearing things in stereo!

 

By the way, love your signature butterfingersbimbo! Now, where did I put my gaffa tape....

Edited November 25, 2006 by squenge