Son constantly in trouble with police

[Fletts]

My 18 year old son has AS and is constantly in trouble with the police. The things he is doing are getting worse and worse. He started when he was 14 by stealing a bottle of cider from a supermarket, since then he has progressed to, graffitti, dealing in stolen bank notes, stealing cars and joy riding, fighting and public order offences. He also has stolen my jewellery and pawned it, stolen our credit cards for online gambling and steals money from purses and wallets. He recently said he had killed someone and told us where he had left him. We called the police who searched for the person with a helicopter and dogs, but didn't find anyone. It turned out to be a lie which he had made up to try to cover up for stealing and wrecking our car. He's also always trying to perpertrate some sort of get rich scam. One of them was selling "surprise" boxes on ebay. People were invited to bid for the boxes for the "surprise" that was in them. Of course there wasn't anything in them and he got banned from ebay. He also has run up a bill with a mobile phone company of �600 within just 3 months. Fortunately the citizens advice bureau persuaded the mobile phone company that is was an illegal contract and it was written off. These are just a few of the things he has been doing. Of course we are worried where it is all going to lead. He seems to be quite unremorseful and doesn't appear to have any idea of the seriousness of his wrong doings. It's like he is in some sort of cartoon world of his own, where things that happen don't have any real tangible impact. He seems to have become disconnected from reality somehow.

 

Is it just the Asperger's that is causing him to behave like this I wonder?, Or is there another condition he's got. I don't know many other boys with AS, but the ones I have come across don't behave like this. We are waiting for an appointment for him to see a forensic psychiatrist, who might be able to get to the bottom of it.

 

I feel ashamed of my boy he is a menance, a danger to himself and society.

 

Of course he won't listen to us and take any of our advice. I have to say I do feel out of my depth with him.

 

Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing with their children?

[tmf]

This is a tricky 1........can't really help, but sending you lots of these

 

<'> <'> <'>

[Bagpuss]

Fletts <'> <'> <'>

[butterfingersbimbo]

omg it sounds like you are really having a nightmare. i wouldnt be suprised if there was more to it than autism, i hope that when you see this forensic psychiatrist they can give you some answers to explain your son's behaviour. i have no advice whatsoever, i think i would have lost the plot by now so you must be doing something right. sending you <'> <'> <'>

[Flora]

I'm so sorry you are going through this with your son; you must be wracked with anxiety for him as well as heart sore

 

Obviously I have no idea why your son is doing these things but I do know that AS does not cause criminal behaviour... although some media coverage would have alot of people believing that it does . Did you have any indications of behavioural difficulites in your son prior to when he was 14 (which is when you say it started)?. Does he act alone or is he with other young people when he does these things? I ask that because if before all this your son didn't have any behavioural difficulties do you think there's a chance he is being influenced and possibly exploited by his friends? If he is acting alone, or at least off his own bat then hopefully you can get to the bottom of it when he is assessed.

 

Best wishes <'>

 

Flora

[badonkadonk]

Hiya Fletts,

 

Being Aspergers myself I can pretty much say for sure that it's not being Aspergers that is making him do these things, though I agree that the difficulties that we face in adapting to a Neurotypical-orientated world could be contributors or reasons why he can't understand that his behaviour is inappropriate. It might be easier in this situation not to think of Aspergers as something whole, something that your son has because all Aspergers refers to is the list of traits that are commonly known to be experienced by most people who are AS. Hans Aspergers was the first guy to really define these traits thus why they are called collectively Aspergers.

 

In terms of the trouble making I can sympathise. I never pretended to kill anyone for sure, but I was a menace growing up. Most of the stuff I did was as a result of getting involved with the wrong crowd and trying to cope being their friend. Being Aspergers, and more importantly unaware that I was any different to everyone else, led to people being easily able to prey on my vulnerability, gullableness and naivieity. I would often steal money off my parents so I could buy booze for myself and others to keep those others as my friends. I would often agree to hold parties at my house when my parents went out because I knew it would make my friends happy.

 

Drugs were part and parcel of the lifestyle I lead. (I'm talking aged 13-16 at this point....my mum is a primary school teacher and my dad owns his own business, they're not bad parents they just didn't know half of what I was doing/how to make things better. They also had no clue about Aspergers and just followed the same set of punishment rules as they had follow growing up, mainly grounding/shouting at me. It can happen to any kid and family given the wrong circumstances and it doesn't make either the child or the parent to blame) In some respects I took drugs to keep up with my friends, to be cool and part of the gang. In most respects drugs let me escape the madness I felt inside my head.

 

A lot of what he is doing could be to fit int with whoever he is doing it with. I presume he isn't acting alone in most cases, though if he is it is even more important that you get him some help as soon as possible. I don't mean carting him off to the local mental hospital, I mean an appointment with a psyche for a start (one who is AS aware), CBT therapy referral (for coping and self-esteem strategies) and an intense look at Aspergers by you and your son, together if possible. From what I've been through myself, though I don't presume it's the same thing, understanding better who he is and approaching it in a positive light (because it really doesn't mean end of the world) can almost lift a cloud of confusion from around our ability to think straight. You could also try changing his diet as I know a lot of foods make me irritable and more prone to feel angry because of feeling discomfort.

 

The get rich quick schemes are also something else I recognise. The NT world is a very hard place to navigate for someone who is Aspergers, even more so when it becomes clear that money really does make the world go around today with the intensity placed on the need for materialistic items. I found it hard to cope when I was younger, I can only imagine how bad it must be today to try and keep up with the in crowd. Therefore we are young and we need money quick, we're not very good at holding down jobs, especially in retail but we need another fiver or tenner to get some more booze/drugs/to get us to where our friends are. I tried everything I could think of to get money back when I was at school. I was a thief for a while, stealing from my family, stealing from my teachers, stealing from the shops for the single mums I used to come into contact with which they used to pay me half price for the goods I stole. Babygrows, make-up, bottles of Vodka. I tried pyramid schemes, I sent off to loads of work from home scams, I offered to wash the whole world's cars if I could get 50p a go. I sold cigarettes and condoms at school. I was an awful person seemingly and my behaviour was shocking. But in reality I was very messed up, I kept making mistakes, getting taken for a ride and I didn't know how to stop it or what I was doing wrong. I was forever falling out with my friends, being picked on and bullied. I was forever fighting because it's the one thing I learnt to be good at. It was all a massive cry for help, I was screaming silently for anyone to just do something, help me. Lock me up if needs be, throw away the key, I must be mental to act like this. I would pray each morning at one point that I would fall down the stairs and break my leg. How mad is that. I would pray and get to the top of the stairs but never have the guts to throw myself down in case I broke my neck. I just always wanted to go away somewhere for a while, to stop my brain from thinking and for someone to come along and make everything ok.

 

Your son could be feeling the same way right about now.

 

I think you need to sit down and discuss his Aspergers with him if possible. How aware is he? Does he view it as something negative?? I honestly think a further understanding of who he is, is key to improving his situation.

 

I'm sorry I don't have a lot of answers. Change came for me when I had to eventually move schools things had gotten so out of control. Then when I was 17 I had an acid flashback (what can happen if you've taken lsds in the past, you start hallucinating back to when you took the drug). I was failing badly at sixth form anyway, had managed to fall foul of the new friends I'd formed at school (never quite fit in as I got lumped with the smart kids in an attempt to curb my behaviour, they never appreciated it funnily enough) and was feeling increasingly isolated and lonely. I'd also just split up with an abusive boyfriend and was pretty much at breaking point, well I was as it turned out. I had a flashback and walked out of school and 10 miles to my nearest hospital. I half knew what was happening and knew I had to get somewhere safe. Half my brain was picturing where I was going, to the hospital, the other half was interspersing images of my local park where I last took drugs. I walked into the hospital and announced to everyone there that I was going mentally insane and that's pretty much the point when I started to have a nervous breakdown over the course of the next few days.

 

I don't want it to get to this point with your son so you have to do something, even if it just finding out more and more and more about Aspergers. Until you know more than Tony Attwood if needs be Don't give up on him, try and be positive and support him and try to see his behaviour less as being badly behaved, more as a cry for help.

 

Sorry again that I haven't answered your questions, I know I've just talked about myself but if it helps you to understand what your son might possibly be going through right now then it's worth reading I guess. I haven't really put most of that down into word form before so sorry if it's a bit rough. Today I'm a different person. I might not have a successful life just now but I'm a better person all around, completely drug free and in control for the first time in 24 years. Things can change and get better!

 

Emily

xxx

[Fletts]

Hiya Fletts,

 

Being Aspergers myself I can pretty much say for sure that it's not being Aspergers that is making him do these things, though I agree that the difficulties that we face in adapting to a Neurotypical-orientated world could be contributors or reasons why he can't understand that his behaviour is inappropriate. It might be easier in this situation not to think of Aspergers as something whole, something that your son has because all Aspergers refers to is the list of traits that are commonly known to be experienced by most people who are AS. Hans Aspergers was the first guy to really define these traits thus why they are called collectively Aspergers.

 

In terms of the trouble making I can sympathise. I never pretended to kill anyone for sure, but I was a menace growing up. Most of the stuff I did was as a result of getting involved with the wrong crowd and trying to cope being their friend. Being Aspergers, and more importantly unaware that I was any different to everyone else, led to people being easily able to prey on my vulnerability, gullableness and naivieity. I would often steal money off my parents so I could buy booze for myself and others to keep those others as my friends. I would often agree to hold parties at my house when my parents went out because I knew it would make my friends happy.

 

Drugs were part and parcel of the lifestyle I lead. (I'm talking aged 13-16 at this point....my mum is a primary school teacher and my dad owns his own business, they're not bad parents they just didn't know half of what I was doing/how to make things better. They also had no clue about Aspergers and just followed the same set of punishment rules as they had follow growing up, mainly grounding/shouting at me. It can happen to any kid and family given the wrong circumstances and it doesn't make either the child or the parent to blame) In some respects I took drugs to keep up with my friends, to be cool and part of the gang. In most respects drugs let me escape the madness I felt inside my head.

 

A lot of what he is doing could be to fit int with whoever he is doing it with. I presume he isn't acting alone in most cases, though if he is it is even more important that you get him some help as soon as possible. I don't mean carting him off to the local mental hospital, I mean an appointment with a psyche for a start (one who is AS aware), CBT therapy referral (for coping and self-esteem strategies) and an intense look at Aspergers by you and your son, together if possible. From what I've been through myself, though I don't presume it's the same thing, understanding better who he is and approaching it in a positive light (because it really doesn't mean end of the world) can almost lift a cloud of confusion from around our ability to think straight. You could also try changing his diet as I know a lot of foods make me irritable and more prone to feel angry because of feeling discomfort.

 

The get rich quick schemes are also something else I recognise. The NT world is a very hard place to navigate for someone who is Aspergers, even more so when it becomes clear that money really does make the world go around today with the intensity placed on the need for materialistic items. I found it hard to cope when I was younger, I can only imagine how bad it must be today to try and keep up with the in crowd. Therefore we are young and we need money quick, we're not very good at holding down jobs, especially in retail but we need another fiver or tenner to get some more booze/drugs/to get us to where our friends are. I tried everything I could think of to get money back when I was at school. I was a thief for a while, stealing from my family, stealing from my teachers, stealing from the shops for the single mums I used to come into contact with which they used to pay me half price for the goods I stole. Babygrows, make-up, bottles of Vodka. I tried pyramid schemes, I sent off to loads of work from home scams, I offered to wash the whole world's cars if I could get 50p a go. I sold cigarettes and condoms at school. I was an awful person seemingly and my behaviour was shocking. But in reality I was very messed up, I kept making mistakes, getting taken for a ride and I didn't know how to stop it or what I was doing wrong. I was forever falling out with my friends, being picked on and bullied. I was forever fighting because it's the one thing I learnt to be good at. It was all a massive cry for help, I was screaming silently for anyone to just do something, help me. Lock me up if needs be, throw away the key, I must be mental to act like this. I would pray each morning at one point that I would fall down the stairs and break my leg. How mad is that. I would pray and get to the top of the stairs but never have the guts to throw myself down in case I broke my neck. I just always wanted to go away somewhere for a while, to stop my brain from thinking and for someone to come along and make everything ok.

 

Your son could be feeling the same way right about now.

 

I think you need to sit down and discuss his Aspergers with him if possible. How aware is he? Does he view it as something negative?? I honestly think a further understanding of who he is, is key to improving his situation.

 

I'm sorry I don't have a lot of answers. Change came for me when I had to eventually move schools things had gotten so out of control. Then when I was 17 I had an acid flashback (what can happen if you've taken lsds in the past, you start hallucinating back to when you took the drug). I was failing badly at sixth form anyway, had managed to fall foul of the new friends I'd formed at school (never quite fit in as I got lumped with the smart kids in an attempt to curb my behaviour, they never appreciated it funnily enough) and was feeling increasingly isolated and lonely. I'd also just split up with an abusive boyfriend and was pretty much at breaking point, well I was as it turned out. I had a flashback and walked out of school and 10 miles to my nearest hospital. I half knew what was happening and knew I had to get somewhere safe. Half my brain was picturing where I was going, to the hospital, the other half was interspersing images of my local park where I last took drugs. I walked into the hospital and announced to everyone there that I was going mentally insane and that's pretty much the point when I started to have a nervous breakdown over the course of the next few days.

 

I don't want it to get to this point with your son so you have to do something, even if it just finding out more and more and more about Aspergers. Until you know more than Tony Attwood if needs be Don't give up on him, try and be positive and support him and try to see his behaviour less as being badly behaved, more as a cry for help.

 

Sorry again that I haven't answered your questions, I know I've just talked about myself but if it helps you to understand what your son might possibly be going through right now then it's worth reading I guess. I haven't really put most of that down into word form before so sorry if it's a bit rough. Today I'm a different person. I might not have a successful life just now but I'm a better person all around, completely drug free and in control for the first time in 24 years. Things can change and get better!

 

Emily

xxx

 

Emily,

 

Thank you so much for taking the trouble to reply. I can see now that he is probably in a similar situation to the one you were in at 16. I know he doesn't want to get into trouble, and I know he doesn't want to hurt us, but something is compelling him to do these things and it is probably peer pressure and the desire to fit in as you say. He doesn't do them alone, I'm pretty sure about that. Unfortunately, he isn't very discriminating when it comes to friends and won't accept that they are not the best people to hang around with. I think he finds "rougher" boys easier to get on with, they seem to accept him as he is.

 

Unfortunately he is of the strong opinion that he doesn't have AS and that the psychiatrist who diagnosed him was "a rubbish psychiatrist". He doesn't like to talk very much, let alone anything to do with AS. However, I have seen changes in him over the years, he is maturing. He used to smoke a lot of skunk, but has cut down vastly of his own accord. He had a couple of panic attacks and got carted off to the hospital. He has stepped up the drinking, though, but might decide to cut down on that too hopefully.

 

From what you say he could and probably is feeling pretty cut adrift at the moment. I am waiting for an appointment at the Maudsley Hospital with a specialist in ASDs who is also a forensic psychiatrist. I'm hoping he will be able to make a breakthrough with him to get him to see his situation as it really is. Only then will he be able to cut himself free from this destructive lifestyle.

 

I would be interested if you think getting a job helps and whether I should encourage him to go to the local AS club for 18-25 year olds.

 

Best wishes

[badonkadonk]

Hiya Fletts,

 

You're definately on the right track.

 

The first thing I would do is to find some positive AS material online and by that I mean literature that doesn't just say 'you are Aspergers you should do this, this and this and you can't do that, that and that.'

 

How about printing some posts off by us Aspies with us discussing our experiences of being Aspergers in a positive way? I know it might be hard to find ones where TheNeil isn't moaning for once ( ) but there has to be something on here. Leave a print out lying around the house, not obviously, just like where you keep all your paperwork or something, somewhere where there is a chance your son would find them.

 

Does he use your computer? If so save a couple of sites onto the favourites, you never know if he's browsing he might just feel inclined to click on them.

 

Drop little things into conversation if you can, positive things about AS. I dunno, Steven Spielberg is Aspergers. So is the lead singer of the rock band The Vines (Australian, angry, your son would probably like them ).

 

Order a couple of books with the author being Aspergers and describing their life (I'm not going to plug TheNeil's book, he hasn't offered to pay me enough) and leave this lying around too.

 

Basically what I'm getting at is what you are trying to do is spark some conversation with him and these might be little things that kick things off. If you say 'lets sit down and chat' it's immediately going to get his back up and he won't want to know. Another good place to talk is in the car on a medium length journey (if it's short, not enough time, if it's long and you get into a row you have to stew next to each other). You could say I was talking to a girl online who's Aspergers. She was only diagnosed when she was 22 and used to get into trouble all the time. I know how I'm putting it sounds fakey and cheesy but you can re-word it into your usual style of conversation. He might go 'so what' but it might get him talking.

 

With the friends thing I don't know what to say, I mean I only learnt my lessons the hard way about being gullable and too trusting. I'm still unsure if I would have liked intervention I mean it's part of life to learn lessons and all that, if someone had intervened I might not be as astute and aware as I am now (compared to what I was). Have you told him about this Forum? He might want to check out what some fellow Aspies are talking about if he reads the site, doesn't have to post. Alternatively I'm here if he ever wants someone to talk to, someone who's been in a similar situation.

 

In regards to him getting a job it all depends on what kind of job, what kind of circumstance. Him doing any old job at the minute won't work because he probably won't see it through if he doesn't want to do it. The thing us Aspies can struggle with is understanding why you have to do something even if you don't want to do it (like working in a job we hate when there are other ways to make money, such as selling empty boxes on ebay, that make sense?) He could try further education? Getting him into the right college and doing something he is passionate about will break him away from his friends if it appeals more.

 

Just a word of warning regarding Psychiatrists, all of them are usually rubbish in the eyes of an angry teenager, let alone an angry Aspie teenager who is probably already aware of what problems he faces, what he needs to do to resolve the problems (change friends, stop drinking) but is completely helpless and doesn't know how to go about it. Having a patronising psyche ask probing questions trying to find underlying reasons for his behaviour (when he won't know why he feels agitated/anxious/like he doesn't fit in or is going insane because he isn't accepting AS and fully understanding what it is/what it means) is just going to cause him to shutdown and sulk. What the psyche needs to do, rather than ask your son the usual questions, is to talk to him about Aspergers and what it means and what it entails. The sooner he understands it isn't a disease or something he 'has' the more open he should be to accepting.

 

If he isn't accepting he's Aspergers then making him go to a club full of kids who he doesn't think he is like will probably not work (it might work further down the road when he becomes more accepting of his AS). What might work for now is the befriending schemes that the NAS run, though it might take a few tries to get the right person. Basically they come and spend time with you/your son and just do things, hang out, chat but these people are AS aware and can help with understanding, moving forward, setting goals and all that. It's not going to happen with you as he sees you as authority and therefore just out to tell him what to do, a complete unknown might be different.

 

What will help is a change of scenery for him which is why going to a college/uni out of town might be an idea. (Not miles and miles away but enough for him not to see his friends while he's at college/uni)

 

That's the way I broke my cycle in the end, moving schools to another town, I immediately cut myself off from my 'friends' and made a fresh start. I stuffed up that new start too with the whole nervous breakdown and what not but I made different mistakes that time, learnt different lessons. College was no different, more mistakes, more lessons (but I was undiagnosed all this time/non-understanding of myself so the mistakes could have been prevented). It's never going to be perfect, he will always find things more difficult and things will probably never run smooth but it's all about being brave enough and tough enough to say, this isn't working I'm going to make changes for the better.

 

You've made a huge step yourself getting this appointment and asking on here. You're making changes for the better and you're not giving up, don't be disheartened if things don't get better straight away or get better and then get worse again, as long as you never give up trying and keep trying to be positive then there is always progress to be made!

 

I wish I lived next door to you because I would be round all the time bugging him to chat to me

 

Emily

xxx

[Fletts]

Hiya Fletts,

 

You're definately on the right track.

 

The first thing I would do is to find some positive AS material online and by that I mean literature that doesn't just say 'you are Aspergers you should do this, this and this and you can't do that, that and that.'

 

How about printing some posts off by us Aspies with us discussing our experiences of being Aspergers in a positive way? I know it might be hard to find ones where TheNeil isn't moaning for once ( ) but there has to be something on here. Leave a print out lying around the house, not obviously, just like where you keep all your paperwork or something, somewhere where there is a chance your son would find them.

 

Does he use your computer? If so save a couple of sites onto the favourites, you never know if he's browsing he might just feel inclined to click on them.

 

Drop little things into conversation if you can, positive things about AS. I dunno, Steven Spielberg is Aspergers. So is the lead singer of the rock band The Vines (Australian, angry, your son would probably like them ).

 

Order a couple of books with the author being Aspergers and describing their life (I'm not going to plug TheNeil's book, he hasn't offered to pay me enough) and leave this lying around too.

 

Basically what I'm getting at is what you are trying to do is spark some conversation with him and these might be little things that kick things off. If you say 'lets sit down and chat' it's immediately going to get his back up and he won't want to know. Another good place to talk is in the car on a medium length journey (if it's short, not enough time, if it's long and you get into a row you have to stew next to each other). You could say I was talking to a girl online who's Aspergers. She was only diagnosed when she was 22 and used to get into trouble all the time. I know how I'm putting it sounds fakey and cheesy but you can re-word it into your usual style of conversation. He might go 'so what' but it might get him talking.

 

With the friends thing I don't know what to say, I mean I only learnt my lessons the hard way about being gullable and too trusting. I'm still unsure if I would have liked intervention I mean it's part of life to learn lessons and all that, if someone had intervened I might not be as astute and aware as I am now (compared to what I was). Have you told him about this Forum? He might want to check out what some fellow Aspies are talking about if he reads the site, doesn't have to post. Alternatively I'm here if he ever wants someone to talk to, someone who's been in a similar situation.

 

In regards to him getting a job it all depends on what kind of job, what kind of circumstance. Him doing any old job at the minute won't work because he probably won't see it through if he doesn't want to do it. The thing us Aspies can struggle with is understanding why you have to do something even if you don't want to do it (like working in a job we hate when there are other ways to make money, such as selling empty boxes on ebay, that make sense?) He could try further education? Getting him into the right college and doing something he is passionate about will break him away from his friends if it appeals more.

 

Just a word of warning regarding Psychiatrists, all of them are usually rubbish in the eyes of an angry teenager, let alone an angry Aspie teenager who is probably already aware of what problems he faces, what he needs to do to resolve the problems (change friends, stop drinking) but is completely helpless and doesn't know how to go about it. Having a patronising psyche ask probing questions trying to find underlying reasons for his behaviour (when he won't know why he feels agitated/anxious/like he doesn't fit in or is going insane because he isn't accepting AS and fully understanding what it is/what it means) is just going to cause him to shutdown and sulk. What the psyche needs to do, rather than ask your son the usual questions, is to talk to him about Aspergers and what it means and what it entails. The sooner he understands it isn't a disease or something he 'has' the more open he should be to accepting.

 

If he isn't accepting he's Aspergers then making him go to a club full of kids who he doesn't think he is like will probably not work (it might work further down the road when he becomes more accepting of his AS). What might work for now is the befriending schemes that the NAS run, though it might take a few tries to get the right person. Basically they come and spend time with you/your son and just do things, hang out, chat but these people are AS aware and can help with understanding, moving forward, setting goals and all that. It's not going to happen with you as he sees you as authority and therefore just out to tell him what to do, a complete unknown might be different.

 

What will help is a change of scenery for him which is why going to a college/uni out of town might be an idea. (Not miles and miles away but enough for him not to see his friends while he's at college/uni)

 

That's the way I broke my cycle in the end, moving schools to another town, I immediately cut myself off from my 'friends' and made a fresh start. I stuffed up that new start too with the whole nervous breakdown and what not but I made different mistakes that time, learnt different lessons. College was no different, more mistakes, more lessons (but I was undiagnosed all this time/non-understanding of myself so the mistakes could have been prevented). It's never going to be perfect, he will always find things more difficult and things will probably never run smooth but it's all about being brave enough and tough enough to say, this isn't working I'm going to make changes for the better.

 

You've made a huge step yourself getting this appointment and asking on here. You're making changes for the better and you're not giving up, don't be disheartened if things don't get better straight away or get better and then get worse again, as long as you never give up trying and keep trying to be positive then there is always progress to be made!

 

I wish I lived next door to you because I would be round all the time bugging him to chat to me

 

Emily

xxx

 

 

Emily,

 

Thank you, every bit of info about AS helps me to be more understanding. I agree with you that accepting that he has AS is the key challenge. He thinks that people with ASDs are retards (so, sorry his words not mine). Getting it through to him that this isn't the case is the difficulty. It stems from the fact that AS is on the autistic spectrum and he doesn't want to be thought of as autistic in any way. That's why I wondered if he met other people with AS he might realise his mistake. He did go to a younger group when he was 14, but was asked not to go back. He says it was because he didn't have AS, the group leader said that it was because he was upsetting some of the other boys. My son can be quite intense and loud (not so much so now) and it was too much for the boys who found social interaction very difficult.

 

Thank you for the tips about the psychiatrist and opening up conversations with him. I have printed off the posts about standard AS behaviour which I think he could relate to and find quite amusing. Especially the bits about clothes. He bought a new coat several months ago and took the trouble to try to buy something fashionable. Someone has just told him it is out of fashion now. He checked it out with his older sister, who confirmed that yes actually it's a bit "last year", his reply was "what? I have to buy a new one each time the fashion changes?" "fraid so" said his sister, "but I can't keep up" he said. His sister will take him shopping for something new.

 

We are in the process of getting a comunity care assessment and are hoping to have a support worker allocated to him. It will be similar to what you mentioned the NAS do, someone specifically trained in ASDs.

 

He went to a mainstream school (was expelled from first 2) which I think he found hard, but it did teach him how to fit in I suppose. The trouble was it was very difficult to motivate him to go and we had to take him every day. I think he would find college very hard unless it was small and geared up for him. He isn't a very good time keeper and meeting deadlines for coursework etc, would be hard. The other problem is there isn't anything he's interested in studying. I'm not ruling it out though, he's got the rest of his life to do these things.

 

Ever thought of moving to Bromley?

 

Best wishes

[badonkadonk]

I don't even know where Bromley is I'm that geographically challenged I'm presuming it's nowhere near Staffordshire though

 

If he's done the whole group thing before he might not be as opposed to it a second time round, it's worth asking him about even if nothing comes of it.

 

I think it's a good idea that you've printed some stuff off, including the Standard Behaviour thread. There is also a rather bizarre thread lurking around here somewhere about Crimewatch, when they appealed for a suspect and said that he could be Aspergers just from the way he looked. We Aspies had great fun ripping that one apart.

 

I think like you said it's key to get him to understand that Aspergers, while on the same spectrum as Autism, is really quite a world apart from those who are more severly Autistic. Nobody is a retard, but the myth that because you are Autistic you must have learning difficulties is something we are constantly having to face. A lot of people assume this about me when they find out I'm Aspergers, they all of a sudden start speaking to me more slowly as if now I'm deaf and have trouble understanding language.

 

It's good news about the CCA and the Suport Worker, hopefully something positive will come of it but still, I guess it's because I'm so used to be let down (sorry to be such a pessimist), I wouldn't hope that this will make everything better because you would think that the NAS themselves would be open to offers of volunteering from someone who is Aspergers and yet when I tried to get involved they didn't want to know and instead asked if I wanted to become a member of the local social group they ran. (Which is appalling anyway, whose bright idea was it to make the kids who can be nervous about socialising and who find it difficult to make and keep friends fill out a membership form just to get the chance to have a go. Plus they are banned from being friends with the volunteers who help supervise when they are not out as the group. How ridiculous) Anyway, getting off track slightly, hopefully you will get someone who is truly understanding and not just in the job by mistake. Like I said I'm here, even though I can't be there (as I don't know where there is and it's probably quite a way away), it's not just an empty offer either if I can help your son get his head around it all in any way I will do. It's not that long since I was diagnosed and I've been thinking, each month for the past year and a bit, that I'm getting to grips with it now, I'm understanding it now and then I go and learn something else, figure something else out and I think how could I possibly of thought I was beginning to understand myself and others before? It's a non-stop process and there is always more to learn I guess so if I can help anyone else play catch-up I will do.

 

I understand completely what you said about his education. I too was expelled and suspended more times than I remember and if I wasn't suspended I was constantly on report. It seems as though even though he knows he's Aspergers he is still approaching life/trying to cope similar to someone who is undiagnosed and I think this is where he's having trouble. It's the whole 'I don't want to do it so why should I' problem again and I had exactly the same arguments with my parents. I hate German, I don't want to live in Germany, if a German person starts talking to me over here in England then he should speak English because it's the language of the country blah blah blah I mean you have to give us our dues, our arguments are always logical if not applicable and accepting that sometimes you 'just have to' is something I'm beginning to think I'll never get a handle of. College would be pointless if he didn't choose the right thing to study and went just because it was the right thing to do, he would run into the same old problems, but if has a think and comes up with something and is willing to dedicate himself to it then that is at least a starting point. Getting him into the right college is the major stumbling block and in terms of time keeping and doing coursework he should get student support in that area and be eligable for Disabled Students Allowance for things like a dictaphone/a pen that you scan over words in a book and it saves them, then you upload them onto your computer and you can read them/quote them that way. I wish I had discovered this device before I left university as it would have saved me stressing so much about taking out/returning library books and having to spend lots of time in there when it came to the popular books that you couldn't take home. His students and tutor would have to be AS-aware and you would probably have to go in, in the first place to make sure that all this (plus the support) was going to be available. It probably wouldn't be easy but it could be something to do for now if he doesn't want to work just yet.

 

Alternatively he gets a job but it needs to be the same thought process, you could see if Prospects runs in your area or go to the Job Centre and see the disability advisor. He could at least get a AS-friendly employer then.

 

But yeah ultimately before you even consider either option he has got to accept who he is and turn it into a positive as soon as possible. Tell him from me, it's not all that bad, yeah it's tough sometimes and we face challenges and situations that the majority of people don't face and it can be difficult if we don't understand ourselves, others and the world around us but the more you learn the more it begins to make sense and you can finally begin to find your place in life. I'm getting comfortable in mine now for the first time in 24 years, I finally feel like I fit somewhere and that's possible for him too

 

Emily

xxx

 

Oh and the fashion thing, it probably won't work for a boy, but I've found that by getting interested in fashion and watching these reality programmes where they find the next model/stylist/sandwich fetcher that I've found it easier not to stick out so badly. I'm not saying I'm a fashion victim now and a lot of the new styles/trends that come out I'm totally not into, but I am able to pick little bits and bobs from the different things that are about, adapt it to me and have it be something I want to wear while also fitting in nicely and not looking like my nan dresses me. I hope anyway I probably still look like some whackjob but you wait and see, when he finds a girl he likes he might start to suddenly take an interest/understand it more

[hev]

im so pleased i moved from the area i lived in because steve would definately have an asbo by now he knows no one where we live and im glad,up the other area he would throw stones at windows when i let him out,he screamed at police cars when they went by calling them pigs and he would have got a lot worse,he was definately egged on by others,i think he so wanted to be accepted by his peers that he would do anything they asked. at the moment he steals marker pens from school and tries to sneakily do graffiti when he goes to ice cream van now i go to ice cream van with him i hope you get things sorted out with your son,it must be heartbreaking and very worrying <'>

[Fletts]

I don't even know where Bromley is I'm that geographically challenged I'm presuming it's nowhere near Staffordshire though

 

If he's done the whole group thing before he might not be as opposed to it a second time round, it's worth asking him about even if nothing comes of it.

 

I think it's a good idea that you've printed some stuff off, including the Standard Behaviour thread. There is also a rather bizarre thread lurking around here somewhere about Crimewatch, when they appealed for a suspect and said that he could be Aspergers just from the way he looked. We Aspies had great fun ripping that one apart.

 

I think like you said it's key to get him to understand that Aspergers, while on the same spectrum as Autism, is really quite a world apart from those who are more severly Autistic. Nobody is a retard, but the myth that because you are Autistic you must have learning difficulties is something we are constantly having to face. A lot of people assume this about me when they find out I'm Aspergers, they all of a sudden start speaking to me more slowly as if now I'm deaf and have trouble understanding language.

 

It's good news about the CCA and the Suport Worker, hopefully something positive will come of it but still, I guess it's because I'm so used to be let down (sorry to be such a pessimist), I wouldn't hope that this will make everything better because you would think that the NAS themselves would be open to offers of volunteering from someone who is Aspergers and yet when I tried to get involved they didn't want to know and instead asked if I wanted to become a member of the local social group they ran. (Which is appalling anyway, whose bright idea was it to make the kids who can be nervous about socialising and who find it difficult to make and keep friends fill out a membership form just to get the chance to have a go. Plus they are banned from being friends with the volunteers who help supervise when they are not out as the group. How ridiculous) Anyway, getting off track slightly, hopefully you will get someone who is truly understanding and not just in the job by mistake. Like I said I'm here, even though I can't be there (as I don't know where there is and it's probably quite a way away), it's not just an empty offer either if I can help your son get his head around it all in any way I will do. It's not that long since I was diagnosed and I've been thinking, each month for the past year and a bit, that I'm getting to grips with it now, I'm understanding it now and then I go and learn something else, figure something else out and I think how could I possibly of thought I was beginning to understand myself and others before? It's a non-stop process and there is always more to learn I guess so if I can help anyone else play catch-up I will do.

 

I understand completely what you said about his education. I too was expelled and suspended more times than I remember and if I wasn't suspended I was constantly on report. It seems as though even though he knows he's Aspergers he is still approaching life/trying to cope similar to someone who is undiagnosed and I think this is where he's having trouble. It's the whole 'I don't want to do it so why should I' problem again and I had exactly the same arguments with my parents. I hate German, I don't want to live in Germany, if a German person starts talking to me over here in England then he should speak English because it's the language of the country blah blah blah I mean you have to give us our dues, our arguments are always logical if not applicable and accepting that sometimes you 'just have to' is something I'm beginning to think I'll never get a handle of. College would be pointless if he didn't choose the right thing to study and went just because it was the right thing to do, he would run into the same old problems, but if has a think and comes up with something and is willing to dedicate himself to it then that is at least a starting point. Getting him into the right college is the major stumbling block and in terms of time keeping and doing coursework he should get student support in that area and be eligable for Disabled Students Allowance for things like a dictaphone/a pen that you scan over words in a book and it saves them, then you upload them onto your computer and you can read them/quote them that way. I wish I had discovered this device before I left university as it would have saved me stressing so much about taking out/returning library books and having to spend lots of time in there when it came to the popular books that you couldn't take home. His students and tutor would have to be AS-aware and you would probably have to go in, in the first place to make sure that all this (plus the support) was going to be available. It probably wouldn't be easy but it could be something to do for now if he doesn't want to work just yet.

 

Alternatively he gets a job but it needs to be the same thought process, you could see if Prospects runs in your area or go to the Job Centre and see the disability advisor. He could at least get a AS-friendly employer then.

 

But yeah ultimately before you even consider either option he has got to accept who he is and turn it into a positive as soon as possible. Tell him from me, it's not all that bad, yeah it's tough sometimes and we face challenges and situations that the majority of people don't face and it can be difficult if we don't understand ourselves, others and the world around us but the more you learn the more it begins to make sense and you can finally begin to find your place in life. I'm getting comfortable in mine now for the first time in 24 years, I finally feel like I fit somewhere and that's possible for him too

 

Emily

xxx

 

Oh and the fashion thing, it probably won't work for a boy, but I've found that by getting interested in fashion and watching these reality programmes where they find the next model/stylist/sandwich fetcher that I've found it easier not to stick out so badly. I'm not saying I'm a fashion victim now and a lot of the new styles/trends that come out I'm totally not into, but I am able to pick little bits and bobs from the different things that are about, adapt it to me and have it be something I want to wear while also fitting in nicely and not looking like my nan dresses me. I hope anyway I probably still look like some whackjob but you wait and see, when he finds a girl he likes he might start to suddenly take an interest/understand it more

 

Emily,

 

You're wonderful! Thank you for all your ideas and good advice. I've got a lot to think about.

 

Best wishes