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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   Depression and other mental health difficulties are common amongst people on the autistic spectrum and their carers.   People who are affected by general mental health difficulties are encouraged to receive and share information, support and advice with other forum members, though it is important to point out that this exchange of information is generally based on personal experience and opinions, and is not a substitute for professional medical help.   There is a list of sources of mental health support here: <a href="http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=18801" target="_blank">Mental Health Resources link</a>   People may experience a more serious crisis with their mental health and need urgent medical assistance and advice. However well intentioned, this is not an area of support that the forum can or should be attempting to offer and we would urge members who are feeling at risk of self-harm or suicide to contact either their own GP/health centre, or if out of hours contact NHS Direct on 0845 4647 or to call emergency services 999.   We want to reassure members that they have our full support in offering and seeking advice and information on general mental health issues. Members asking for information in order to help a person in their care are seeking to empower both themselves and those they represent, and we would naturally welcome any such dialogue on the forum.   However, any posts which are deemed to contain inference of personal intent to self-harm and/or suicide will be removed from the forum and that person will be contacted via the pm system with advice on where to seek appropriate help.   In addition to the post being removed, if a forum member is deemed to indicate an immediate risk to themselves, and are unable to be contacted via the pm system, the moderating team will take steps to ensure that person's safety. This may involve breaking previous confidentiality agreements and/or contacting the emergency services on that person's behalf.   Sometimes posts referring to self-harm do not indicate an immediate risk, but they may contain material which others find inappropriate or distressing. This type of post will also be removed from the public forum at the moderator's/administrator's discretion, considering the forum user base as a whole.   If any member receives a PM indicating an immediate risk and is not in a position (or does not want) to intervene, they should forward the PM to the moderating team, who will deal with the disclosure in accordance with the above guidelines.   We trust all members will appreciate the reasoning behind these guidelines, and our intention to urge any member struggling with suicidal feelings to seek and receive approproiate support from trained and experienced professional resources.   The forum guidelines have been updated to reflect the above.   Regards,   The mod/admin team
oxgirl

Kept him off school today

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oxgirl   

The last week had been a bit better with the lad who was tormenting Jay, it seemed like things were finally being done to help.

 

Yesterday, Jay said that the teacher at the unit and two TA's were sitting in the main room and that they all just sat there and did nothing and said nothing while the boy repeatedly ran up behind him and booed him loudly. Jay got more and more upset and he said they did nothing except tell him to 'just ignore it'.

 

He went off to a Maths lesson and was so upset on the way they had to stop. He was crying with frustration and anger and the TA told him again he had to just ignore it. Jay got really angry and yelled at her 'HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO IGNORE THAT?' and then HE got a good telling off and told HE was rude. He wasn't able to work in his Maths lesson, was crying and furious, kept shouting out. TA threatened him with a conduct card, which hardly reduced his stress levels! :wallbash:

 

When he got back after the Maths lesson the boy was doing it again, following him wherever he went and doing it. Jay was so scared and upset. He went into a room to get some peace but was too frightened to stay there alone incase the boy came, in so had to beg a member of staff to stay with him.

 

When he came out of school at lunchtime he was in a very distressed state. Nothing had been written in his contact book about his terrible morning and nothing said to me. He spent most of the afternoon in bed with a stress headache and exhaustion.

 

I'm fuming, absolutely furious. I sent off a long email to the teacher and head of unit yesterday afternoon, to which I have had no reply. I have kept him off school today to recover and I did not phone them this morning to tell them, neither have they phoned me!

 

I've asked them why they haven't attempted to stop this boy from doing it and that the effect on him is being unestimated and played down. I said it was easier for them to hush Jay up and tell him to stop making a fuss than it is to deal with the problem. I said I'm not happy sending him in to a place where he does not feel safe and happy. So far I've heard NOTHING from them, ZERO. :wallbash::angry:

 

I'm all knotted up inside and about to blow! :(

 

~ Mel ~

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hev   

oh mel >:D<<'> think you are both being treated terrible,your poor boy :crying: they should be dealing with the other boy not blaming your son

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Have you complained to the lea and governors about the units attitude to bullying etc. If you havenet its time, I think this has become beyond a joke and they are failing in their duty of care to your son.

Have you thought about getting some legal advice from ipsea!

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curra   

Mel,

This is horrible! I feel so sad and angry reading your post, :angry::tearful: !Your poor boy must be feeling so helpless.! The school is failing him and he also sees that even if you complain to the school they are not listening. I think it's time for you to call the LEA and talk to a SEN worker. Explain him/her the situation and tell them that you cannot send your son to school until he feels safe to go, and the school are not even answering you. Tell them that you have discussed this problem several times with the school but the situation continues. You mustn't put up with this any more. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Curra XX

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Elly   

If it was me I would contact the school and tell them that my son would not be returning to school until the problem was dealt with. I would then ring the LEA asking for an urgent meeting and write a written report to the school Governors. If threatened with 'truancy' I would ask our GP to write a sick note for mental health needs.

 

This sort of attitude from the staff is totally unacceptable. Do you have access to an Autism Outreach Team? Your son is going to have a major breakdown if this is let to continue (sorry to sound harsh) and the school need to realise that. It looks as though the only way you will get through to them is to go in guns blazing :star:

 

I hope todays break has been good for you both.

Keep smilin

Elly

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oxgirl   

Thanks everyone. I'm so sick of this, it's just not right, they don't give two figs about my son's suffering. :crying:

I've been sitting here stewing all day waiting for some response from them and have got nothing. It's now 3.40, school is over and I'm still sitting here waiting for them to phone me or contact me somehow. Jay wasn't in school and they didn't even ring and ask why! :wallbash::angry::crying:

 

~ Mel ~

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JsMum   

This is not exceptable, there should be some checks into where Jay is, just to ensure he was oright, it could of been that he had of setted off to school and not arrived, you would of only known at 3:30pm.

 

say if it where that sanario and you then reported him missing, the police would of wanted to see that the school had done some internal enquires to were Jay was especially as you had not rang the school to say he was at home, the procedures here are that if a child has not registered by 9:30 am and no contact has been made from the parents then the school automatically ring the parents to find out why the child is absent.

 

I would strongly look into a transfer somewhere else or home ed.

 

JsMum

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puffin   

You did the right thing. I would send a copy of the letter to the governors and LEA - you have been more than patient trying to get the school to sort the problem out but they are not taking the effekt on your child seriously.

 

Time to go to the next level.

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Flora   

mel, that placement has turned out to be a total nightmare hasn't it? If the usual channels of complaint and discussion continue to be as unhelpful as they are then it may well turn out that you may have to look at an alternative. The attitude of the staff sounds like they just can't be bothered.... can't be bothered to deal with difficulties of either your son or the boy who's bothering him. I'd seriously consider moving him, or at least keep him off and contact the LEA inclusion officer to say you don't want him going back until the situation is resolved.

 

Flo >:D<<'>

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witsend   

Hi Mel I can symapthise and empathise with you here >:D<<'> we have been in a very similar situation (son at a special school being constantly bullied by 2 other kids there) and the school have done absolutley nothing to sort it out :wallbash: . We have got son a place at another school (not started yet taking ages :wallbash: ) and in the meantime he is not going to school either, all this is bad enough and very stressfull, but what makes it worse is that throught the whole ongoing process of having problems, and being driven to looka t other schools etc etc non of which has been easy sons present school have said........absolutely nothing! They have not phoned me, written to me or called back when I have left them messages!!! Despite the fact a child is so miserable at there school he is having to leave it they have not communicated at all with us! It just beggars belief but has made me realise how wrong the school is and am so glad son is getting out of there.

I'm so sorry you and Jay are having to go through this it sounds like hell, have to agree with a few others and say maybe you should be cutting your losses so to speak and looking at alternative schools (believe me I know it's not easy, especially when they have been 'granted' a place at a special school/unit which can be so hard to get in the first place - but I kept hanging on hoping things would improve for son and they just got worse :crying: )

I hope you manage to work something out >:D<<'> >:D<<'> to you.

Luv Witsend.

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oxgirl   

Thanks for the support guys. >:D<<'>

Trouble is there just IS nowhere else in this area, absolutely nothing for him. It's either this, the local mainstream or nothing, there are no alternatives here.

 

I met with a mum of a lad who is joining the unit in September and I felt so sorry for her because I could see that she was desperate that this would be the answer to her problems (as we did), but she'll soon find out that the reality will be very different. It was hard not to tell her all the awful things about the place, but it just would not have been fair of me. :crying:

 

~ Mel ~

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hev   

mel hope you feeling ok lovey,its a horrible thing for you both to be dealing with >:D<<'>

try to think as if its one of us here posting your problem,what would you tell us to do?sometimes i find when im in a situation i cant think clearly so i think what i would tell others to do.

 

i think its doing your son more harm than good being at the school,they are not helping him at all,if the other boy was removed from the school would you be happy for your boy to go there still?

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jomica   

Hi Mel

 

Sorry to hear about your problems - I emphathise completely, as we're going through something similar at the moment with our local mainstream primary.

 

Just a thought. Did you know that parents can now complain directly to Ofsted and potentially trigger an inspection? Details here:

 

http://www.ofsted.gov.uk/portal/site/Inter...0003507640aRCRD

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cmuir   

Hi

 

I'd be fuming too. I've said this before, but they have an equal duty of care to your son. It may seem silly to them, but it's clearly not silly to Jay whose suffering because of this kid. The other kid needs to be disciplined and told off, not Jay. Whole thing isn't good enough. Don't take this lying down. I'd threaten, and if necessary carry it out, to take this up with the Education Department. In Education, we have a parent and pupil support coordinator who acts as a go-between - he can enforce things!

 

Best of luck. This is an awful situation and it must be difficult seeing Jay so stressed because of another child and neglience of staff doing their duty.

 

Caroline.

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I know you say there isnt another school that can cater for him mainstream or this, but this unit is not working and is it really any better than a sen base within a good mainstream secondary school?

 

If you want to keep him at the base you are going to have to make it offical complain, pester, bully and put everything in writing.

They are just going through the motions at the mo pretending to listen and act and then sitting back. They should be protecting your son and helping this other boy behave properly, all they are teaching him is that its ok to bully and your son whats the point in telling anyone they wont listen and giving him a very poor and (dangerous self image). >:D<<'> :wallbash:

 

I would be looking at other schools Mel and writing lots of letters complaining!

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Clare63   

Oh Mel,

I am so sorry to read your thread and my heart goes out to you and Jay, its all so hopeless and frustrating isn't it. Will you consider home ed ?

Thinking of you >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Clare x

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witsend   

Hi Mel - hope your having a better day. Was just wondering if there is another school a bit further away but still do'able if you know what I mean? My son has to travel an hour in a taxi to present school when we decided to take him out of this school and look at others we would of loved him to move to a local school but like you there was nowhere suitable. The school he is going to move to is actually close to the school he is leaving :rolleyes: and we wouldn't even have thought about it (or known about it) if LEA hadn't brought it up! He will still have the hour taxi journey but when we discussed it this was something that bothered us more than him :rolleyes: .

Sorry if you've already considered school within travelling distance I know you probably have :unsure: . Just trying to think of something to help because I know what you're going through and I know it ends up being all tou can think about and basically does your head in! :P

Take care

Luv Witsend.

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Karen A   

Mel I am really sorry.I hoped that the unit were aware of the issues last week when you posted.It looks like they were just talking the talk.Don't give up. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> Please continue to keep a record and put in another complaint.Karen.

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phasmid   

I think you have little choice left to you now. If this is the only provision available to you then your going to have to either take him out and home ed as suggested or put a stop to it. If you go with the former then what's to stop this carrying on with someone else's child? If you go with the latter then you have given them plenty of chances to sort this and yesterdays events would seem to show they are not going to stop this without being made to stop it.

 

A formal complaint to the CoG would have to be investigated. If that fails to fix things then you complain to the LEA. The ofsted route that is now open to you might be worth looking at as well.

 

Time to fight fire with fire.

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JsMum   

I have read all the repies and I feel myself getting upset because I want to plead with you to take him out, only because this place cant be bothered with him, even if the bullying stops ( which I daught,even with letter of complaint done and dusted ) your Jay still has to put up with staff that are lazy and not trained enough to give him what he needs.

 

I may be blunt here but I want to really scream at you to take him out, he is suffering here, the place isnt worth the energy to write letters because they might be blown under the carpet and I feel over time they may use your behaviour as an excuse to override anything you say or suggest the unit staff are doing to Jay.

 

I only feel that fighting back will only give them the evidence they need to portray you in the worse light, because you are trying to put a stop to a problem the unit have no idea how to stop it because they havent prevented it in the first place.

 

in some respects they are lucky they have a lad that will walk away from the bully, one day a child may not and seriosly hurt this boy and then that child will be excluded and the bully in hospital or ( worse case, Dead? ) then there will be an investigation and the best one liner excuses from the unit staff that will just want to react to.

 

Its a citation that I feel the only person who looses is Jay, taking him out is their loss and they wont find a boy who has taken as much as he has again and Jays gain because you never know there just might be somewhere much better than where he is because to be honest that unit sounds no better than the garbage yard. ( sorry if thats going too far, just saying whats in my head)

 

Also I would so be inclined to tell this other parent just how bad its let your son down, I know I would defo would welcome the warning or at least be aware from the beginning if my son was to start off somewhere only for it to go wrong all over again, this new mum is going to be very let down, and she might wonder why you hadnt said anything, or that your on the side of the units treatment.

 

My last words are Please consider removing him.

 

JsMum

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oxgirl   
hope jay and you ok today mel >:D<<'> thinking of you >:D<<'>

 

 

Thanks so much hev, hope you're okay too. >:D<<'>

To be honest, it's been a terrible roller-coaster the last week. :tearful:

Got two emails from school slamming me for my 'offensive' and 'inappropriate' email and chastising me, telling me I must treat staff with the 'respect that they're entitled to'. Feel like I've been run over by a steam roller, they made me feel that small. One minute I feel humiliated and ashamed and the next I'm furious with them again, I'm a total wreck from it. :(

 

~ Mel ~

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Bagpuss   
:(>:D<<'> >:D<<'> Your doing what you feel is best for your child, they should be listening and working with you, not against you. This must be causing you so much turmoil, and I'm at a loss as to what to suggest, other than removing him, which I know isn't the best solution.

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Karen A   
Thanks so much hev, hope you're okay too. >:D<<'>

To be honest, it's been a terrible roller-coaster the last week. :tearful:

Got two emails from school slamming me for my 'offensive' and 'inappropriate' email and chastising me, telling me I must treat staff with the 'respect that they're entitled to'. Feel like I've been run over by a steam roller, they made me feel that small. One minute I feel humiliated and ashamed and the next I'm furious with them again, I'm a total wreck from it. :(

 

~ Mel ~

 

 

Mel hang in there.Do not let the school bully you.Have you contacted the LEA ?

A formal complaint to the LEA would be the next step.Also keep the E mails that the school claim were offensive and inappropriate.

How about the school showing you and your child respect ?

I think that schools sometimes forgett that they are the payed professionals-unlike parents under stress-who are not employed and do not have training. :wallbash::wallbash::wallbash: Karen.

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puffin   

I think you should make a complaint to the LEA as the school just don't seem to be getting it.

 

The school seem to be turning this around to be about THEIR hurt feelings - a shame they are not treating your child's feelings and need for respect with the same concern.

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pearl   
Thanks so much hev, hope you're okay too. >:D<<'>

To be honest, it's been a terrible roller-coaster the last week. :tearful:

Got two emails from school slamming me for my 'offensive' and 'inappropriate' email and chastising me, telling me I must treat staff with the 'respect that they're entitled to'. Feel like I've been run over by a steam roller, they made me feel that small. One minute I feel humiliated and ashamed and the next I'm furious with them again, I'm a total wreck from it. :(

 

~ Mel ~

So they can dish it out but they can't take it? Shame on them they are an absolute disgrace.

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Clare63   

Mel,

Its awful and disgraceful that they are making you feeling that way, do these people have no compassion.

Like Karen says make sure your keep their emails, its so important to keep as much evidence as you can.

I hope this week proves to be a bit better for you, if you get chance get yourself out for a good run to blow a few cobwebs away.

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Clare x

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oxgirl   

Thanks everyone. >:D<<'>

I feel like they've broken me. :crying:

They're turning it round so that I am the bad guy and accusing me of speaking to Jay in a negative way and influencing how he feels about the other boy and it just isn't true. He's coming home so distressed and telling me that he feels like nobody cares about him and his feelings and they are just hushing us both up.

I feel manipulated and humiliated and wrong-footed and they will win. :(

 

~ Mel ~

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witsend   

Oh Mel - >:D<<'> >:D<<'> . I really hope something goes your way soon :pray: . Hang in there. Karen was exactly right these people obviously are forgetting they are paid professionals :angry: and you are a stressed out mum just trying to do the best for your son, no wonder they won't sort bullying out in the school because seems like they are bullies themselves. Get the LEA involved big time soon as your feeling stronger.

Take care

Luv Witsend.

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> MEL >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Sometimes these people find it easier to twist things rather than deal with the problem!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay strong mel,just remember your your sons voice and why shouldn't we speak up coz if we dont who will.

I hope things work out its awful what your both going through esp your poor son >:D<<'>

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oxgirl   

Thanks, suzie-girl. I get the most awful knot in my stomach now every time I have to take him to that place. :(

 

~ Mel ~

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curra   

Mel >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Could you talk to the SEN governor in your school about this problem or send him/her a letter? I think I would do that if the Senco was not helping anymore and if I didn't wish to complain (yet). Or I would phone the LEA to ask for advice. I hope you feel strong again soon. Don't let the school get away with this! :angry: , what they are doing is very unprofessional ( to say the least).

 

Take care

 

Curra

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oxgirl   

Thanks hev and curra, as ever. >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

I've been licking my wounds now for a few days and I still feel upset and, every now and then, fuming about it all.

He has had a couple of better days with this lad now though. Yesterday, he went in and the lad booed him straight away and Jay didn't react. He said the teachers were pleased with him and told him he'd done well. After that the lad didn't do it again. Today he didn't do it to him at all. :)

Jay is still very nervous and wary of the lad and, because he's so unpredictable, doesn't know what or when he's going to do something next, so he's constantly on edge.

I haven't decided whether I regret sending my email or not. It wasn't offensive at all, but I did lay it down frankly about how I felt and they didn't like it. At least they know how I feel now, I suppose. :(

There is a lot of bad feeling between them and me though and I don't know how to fix that. It makes it very difficult and if there's another problem I won't know what to do about it or how to approach them about it, but I'm just hoping it will all blow over and things will get better again, but I still don't feel I can trust them and I feel like they hate me. :(

Thanks again everyone for all your support, you guys really are the only people I can talk to about all this. >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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hev   

i think its good you wrote the email mel,course the onna be funny with you,people dont like the truth sometmes do they and like you say they know how you feel now

 

keep strong and im so pleased jay had a better day >:D<<'>

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cmuir   

I think you did exactly the right things sending an email. If you're unhappy about the situation, you owe it to yourself and your son to convey that to the staff. The situation is clearly upsetting for your son (and you). Sit back and wait and see what kind of response you get.

 

I'm a big believer in gut feeling. It's hard, but my son was at a mainstream nursery for 5 months. Right from the start I told the staff I was concerned that there was something wrong with my son (mainly behavioural problems - big ones!). It took 6 weeks to get him to put his plimsolls on in the morning without screaming and kicking the living daylights out of me. I remember standing watching through the window to see what was going on. Robert was left to his own devices and no one bothered about him. There wasn't a great atmosphere amongst the staff and enough was enough when I asked the nursery manager for a meeting to discuss my concerns. She told me that "there's too much talk". I was livid! Every morning, I felt sick leaving Robert there and that feeling never left me. When I heard what she had to say, I phoned my work to say I'd be late and then phoned another nursery. Even talking to the new nursery manager on the phone, I knew I found the right place. I wasn't wrong! Within 3 days she had an EP to visit Robert. She phoned me very early one morning to tell me that she knew there was something wrong with Robert, but didn't know what and that she'd do her best to help. She did just that. She was a real rock and despite Robert being a very aggressive and difficult child, she and her staff showed him nothing but compassion and warmth. In fact, when Robert allowed them near him, they were forever giving him hugs!

 

That was a bit long-winded, but I'd await a response and if it's not a satisfactory one, then maybe looking elsewhere is the answer. I know that's a lot easier said than done!

 

Best wishes. I really hope that you get a sympathetic response and that the staff act upon things.

 

Caroline.

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oxgirl   
I think you did exactly the right things sending an email. If you're unhappy about the situation, you owe it to yourself and your son to convey that to the staff. The situation is clearly upsetting for your son (and you). Sit back and wait and see what kind of response you get.

 

I'm a big believer in gut feeling. It's hard, but my son was at a mainstream nursery for 5 months. Right from the start I told the staff I was concerned that there was something wrong with my son (mainly behavioural problems - big ones!). It took 6 weeks to get him to put his plimsolls on in the morning without screaming and kicking the living daylights out of me. I remember standing watching through the window to see what was going on. Robert was left to his own devices and no one bothered about him. There wasn't a great atmosphere amongst the staff and enough was enough when I asked the nursery manager for a meeting to discuss my concerns. She told me that "there's too much talk". I was livid! Every morning, I felt sick leaving Robert there and that feeling never left me. When I heard what she had to say, I phoned my work to say I'd be late and then phoned another nursery. Even talking to the new nursery manager on the phone, I knew I found the right place. I wasn't wrong! Within 3 days she had an EP to visit Robert. She phoned me very early one morning to tell me that she knew there was something wrong with Robert, but didn't know what and that she'd do her best to help. She did just that. She was a real rock and despite Robert being a very aggressive and difficult child, she and her staff showed him nothing but compassion and warmth. In fact, when Robert allowed them near him, they were forever giving him hugs!

 

That was a bit long-winded, but I'd await a response and if it's not a satisfactory one, then maybe looking elsewhere is the answer. I know that's a lot easier said than done!

 

Best wishes. I really hope that you get a sympathetic response and that the staff act upon things.

 

Caroline.

 

 

Unfortunately, Caroline, I didn't get a sympathetic response. They gave me a good dressing down and made me feel like I was in the wrong and being unreasonable and that they were saints. They manipulated me into feeling guilty and I'm still seething about it. It's this or nothing though, there's nowhere else for him but here. :tearful:

 

~ Mel ~

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