Going back to school anxiety

[Sue Howatt]

Hello everyone. I have just joined this evening. My son, George, aged five years, was diagnosed with AS last year. The reason I have joined is that living in the Falkland Islands with no-one else being exactly "in the same boat" means there is no-one to ask advice on my many queries which leads me to feel quite isolated and frustrated.

Anyway, something that is occurring right now is George's anxiety about going back to school on Tuesday after the long summer break. He insists that I must not take him back and cries over it. Nothing I say seems to reassure him. The only thing that would reassure him would be if I said that I wouldn't take him! The same thing happened after the winter break last August so I phoned the teacher to say that he was anxious and asked what advice she proposed. She said to bring him in an hour earlier in the morning so that she could show him round the classroom before the other children arrived and try to settle him in. This was not successful and he had to be prised off me, crying hysterically. However when I picked him up at lunchtime that day he was fine and the teacher told me he had settled after ten minutes.

I have tried to pinpoint with him what the school dislikes are but suspect it is just general.

I have lots of queries actually but had better not go on too long. Thank you for listening (or reading I should say) and all the best.

Sue Howatt

[hollymg]

Hugs to you! My 5yo (just turned five last month!) has the same feeling as yours, but luckily for me he isn't as fierce about it. I just take an attitude of it not being an option although I was sorry he felt that way, tried to point out seeing his friends (he finally found 2 children he sort of connects with!), etc, but truly the saving grace for us was having his dad drop him off. For some reason he clings more to me and makes a scene (maybe because I'm the softee?) and with his dad it is all business. After the holiday break this time, when he went back yesterday my husband said he just waved and walked right in.

 

My son does still take his stuffed comfort toy with him, if that helps at all. (Not sure how we'll do without it next year.)

 

It isn't easy, my son says it is the separation from me/home that is the only issue, but I know it is also transitions in general. Unfortunately I signed him up for 3 mornings a week instead of 5 which probably doesn't help, but at the time I thought it was enough time away from home before "real" school starts next year.

 

Good luck to you, wish I had more advice but you certainly aren't alone. My main consolation is that after protesting how much he doesn't want to go, my son does come home enriched and on the whole he is a happier guy when school is in session. I'm already dreading summer...

 

(laughing to myself that your son's name is George, that is my son's name-of-choice lately and all his papers come home with George written on them, all the parents think it is so funny and ask me about it...).

[lorryw]

Hi Sue

If its any consolation lots of children have problems leaving Mum and Dad at the school gate, asd or not.

I work in a Primary school and we have at least 5 children in my class who have real problems. After a quick cuddle and a few tissues they soon bounce back, its the poor parent I feel sorry for. The best way to deal with it (we have discovered)is to be very unemotional, a quick goodbye and then leave. George will feel your tension and respond to it. If he feels that you are quite happy to leave him he will pick up on this.

If he is happy when you pick him up and he has a good day try not to worry.

take care, Loraine

[mossgrove]

This is a massive issue for us at the moment.

 

In the majority of cases a child who does not wish to leave his parents is fine after a few mins.

 

One of the things that can distinguish an autistic child from his/her peers is that they are not fine after 20 mins, but it can be a problem persuading teachers of this.

 

Our 5 yo is massively stressed by the school environment, to the point where he refuses to go, and does not cope with the school environment when he gets there (or ANY environment with more than a handful of people). Our 7yo just about gets through the day with the help of his 1:1 but does not cope at all when she is not there.

 

Having spoken at length to our 7yo about it, I have come to realise that he really doesn't understand what is going on a lot of the time, and his stress levels are sky high for much of the day. He also gets teased a lot due to his social awkwardness/inaproppriateness and has no understanding of why people can be horrible to him.

 

Specific advice needs to be tailored to the individual child, but things like social stories and visual timetables do help a lot.

 

Please do not assume that this is purely a 'dropping off' issue, and that the problem can be solved by changing the dropping off routine. The refusal of many autistic children to leave their parents is based on a well-founded fear of an environment they do not fully understand, and in many cases the environment does not understand them either, which is why much of the thinking needs to be devoted to ways of making the school environment less stressful.

 

 

Simon

[Kazzen161]

Can his Teacher give you a timetable of what they will be doing that first day - sometimes it is the "not knowing" that is scary. The more he knows (where he will sit, who he will sit next to, etc), the less scary it will be.

 

Karen

[oracle]

Imagine if you were taken to another Country where you only spoke the odd word of their language and understood none of their customs. Imagine having to cope there day after day, even though you found it difficult, if not impossible to understand what was going on around you, and you were pretty much alone. I would imagine that most of us would be anxious, unhappy and feeling pretty dran misserable. The only difference would be that we would probably start and learn the language within a short period of time and then we would feel more comfortable in our environement and begin to feel less anxious. Sadly for children with ASD the short period of adjustment can take several years and even then they struggle to get by.

 

I am in total agreement with Simon, this is simply not a 'dropping off' problem. It's a total lack of understanding on both halfs. The childs and the schools. I was sick and tired of being told that there were many children in David's class who cried when their parents dropped them off and how they settled well afterwards. Well my son did not and my son had Autsim and that is the BIG difference.

 

Sorry but I am a tad wound up about this this week. I was asked to go into a school with another parent who had been summonsed by the school because they are having problems with their six year old son. Now this same six year old is now seeing a specialist because he is having periods of accelerated heart rate, which is now formaly diagnosed as being caused by extreme stress. This little boy is also now talking about killing himself! But the school are more concerned that both Mum and child do not use Aspergers syndrome as an excuse for his , what they see as, dreadful behaviour. It's not an excuse it's an explination because the people who are being trusted to facilitate the needs of this chld are down right clueless. Here is a six year old child spending the whole day in an environment where he is lost and alone and with people who clearly do not understand.

 

During the course of the meeting we were told how important it is for this little lad to 'fit in' and act like all of the other six year olds in the school, for his own good of course. Not once did they mention his accelerated heart rate and what could be causing it. They stressed that he was in a Mainstream School and needed to act like a mainstream kid.

 

I kept coming up with the same question that I would like to ask them and ALL of the schools around the world who have no idea. Would we still be having this conversation if the child in question was coming to school in a wheelchair? Would it be a case of everyone else walks in this mainstream school so this child has to walk to? I do not think so - so why are children with ASD being told to do just that? Because they look so much like everyone else that's why.

 

Do not let Teachers, Senco's or anyone else trick you into believing that your child has to act the same as all other kids and that many other kids have drop off problems - not like our kids they don't.

 

The whole point is lack of understanding and an even bigger problem in communicating how the child is feeling. The key to understanding is awareness. Now our kids can't do this themselves they need lot's of help from us.

 

Carole

[lorryw]

Sorry Carole and Simon, I wasnt trying to be flippant. I am well aware of the difficulties autistic children have in coping with school. My own son is 19 and had a horrnedous couple of years. He is profoundly autistic, non verbal and has severe learning difficulties and attended an SLD school who had absolutely no idea how to deal with him.

I just felt from Sues post that a little reassurance was appropriate. She did say that he was OK at lunchtime and perhaps he will settle. Our children are all so different and present with different problems. My own experiences with my son would be of little relevance to Sue and her little lad, but my experience with language unit children may be helpful.

Best wishes Loraine

[oracle]

Hi Lorraine,

 

Sorry I was not having a go at you or anyone at all. I have just realised this week how the 'system' does it's best to make our children 'fit in' regardless of what it is doing to them. It's got nothing to do with inclusion and everything to do with conforming.

 

Having a bad week - just ignore me!

 

Carole

[lorryw]

Hi Carole,

Yep, the whole system is stacked against us and our kids. Im sure the powers that be would rather we crawled away and never return.

We have had a cruddie (lovely word!) past 6 months. My lad has now left school and is at home with me. Social services have nothing in place for him although they have been aware of his needs since his transition review 5 years ago.

We have had countless visits from different agencies, all who are totally ignorant or have a stereo typical view of autism. They listened to his school who advised that he couldnt leave school premises unless he had 4 members of staff in case of melt down and restraint. I had no idea about this and was furious. I now realise that services only exist for those who fit the criteria.

My son and I have spent everyday at home since July. He is perfectly happy but I realise this cant go on forever. I am being perfectly reasonable and not asking for the moon. All I want is for him to go somewhere for a few hours, enjoy himself and come home. They are treating him as though he is one removed from the incredible hulk.

I am also continuously pointing out that an army of young people will soon need services but it always seems to be someone elses problem.

Rant over, I shall have a cup of tea, a bath and watch Corrie

Cheers Loraine

[loulou]

Dear Sue, Carol and Lorraine,

 

I too have encountered similar problems with my son's school.

 

He has been out of school for 10 months now and he is only six.

 

He never settled at school and i've had major probs with getting him there.

 

In the beginning of yr1 the school mixed the classes up which stressed out my son big time, making his "school phobia" worse.

 

He started running away in the playground in the mornings, so i ended up taking him down to his classroom which was "not allowed".

 

He then moved on to squeezing himself in between two filing cabinets in the corridor and wouldn't come out. The Head was summoned and she said to me "Well, he's won now he's got you into the building. you just have to be firmer". I am not a viloent person, but i wanted to hit her! She then went on to ask me if there were any "problems at home?".

 

Anyway, the following week my son started to refuse to put his unifirm on, so i had to wrestle him into it. Then he wouldn't put his shoes on etc etc. One morning i managed to man-handle him imto the car kicking and screaming. When we got to the school he bolted out of the car, across a main road and was gone! I managed to retrieve him and get him into the playground.

 

I felt so awfull because he was so distressed but i didn't want to "give in" and take him home. I was also late for work which wasn't helping.

 

I got him into the corridor and all the teachers surronded him. He was grunting and growling like an animal. It was horrific. Then one of the teachers went towards him and he lashed out and hit her in the face.

 

The head teacher then said "That's it, i will not have my staff assaulted. He is excluded for three days."

 

I was so shocked, i just grabbed my boy and went. He sobbed and said NOTHING for about three hours afterwards. I felt awfull.

 

After that incident he never went back there. He's now been diagnosed with ADHD and ?AS, although for the last two years the school have just told me he is "naughty" and "does what he wants".

 

It makes me so angry that so many children are going through this at school. It causes so much damage to them, especially as they already have low self esteem.

 

Sorry for the ranting, but i really get on my high horse about this topic!!!!!!!!

 

Loulou x

[oracle]

Hi Loulou,

 

Has your son changed much since he has been staying at home? I can hardly recognise Matthew these days from the child who was so stressed out by school that he was demanding security camers to be installed, because the teachers would not believe him when he was telling them that a child was breaking the rules. A simple thank you Matthew would of done but instead he was told to stop telling tales. This from the same people who were telling the kids of all about the consequences of breaking the school rules!

 

Matthew is so much more himself and enjoys life - something he was not doing when he was at school. Of course the down side is that we now have two boys with ASD 24/7 and 7/52.

 

I really can not belive the way schools are being allowed to treat our children. The Mum I attended a meeting with earlier this week contacted me again to say that a letter had been sent home on Thursday to tell her how dreafully her son had behaved during a minutes silence for those killed in the tsunami. Why on earth was he included in something he most certainly could not understand?

 

We have one Mum in our group who, having taken to wrestling her son to the ground to put on a uniform, then had to resort to placing him in a buggy to actually get him to school. He is a very small five year old. She does not drive and he would not walk. So the Head Teacher has now reported her to SS and is saying that Mum is the child's real problem. This Mum has also taken her son out but of course she has no idea what will happen now? How can they be allowed to get away with all of this?

 

Carole

[Kathryn]

Carole,

I can understand the anger and frustration you must feel, helping parents through all these horrible unjust situations. What can be done to enlighten schools?? It's not as if the information isn't out there for heads and teachers to tap into.

 

When I was at school, (a long time ago ) I remember a pupil being publicly ridiculed by a teacher for being dyslexic. Now it's a well established special need. Are we to wait decades for ASD to be similarly accepted?

[loulou]

Hi Carole,

 

Yes, my son has changed alot since being off school. He had lost weight and was very pale during his time at school. After he had a cold his lymph glands were really swollen and it took six weeks for them to go back down. The GP said it was related to stress.

 

Since being at home he has put the weight back on and has regained his lovely colour. He is eating better, having less nightmares and his asthma is better.

 

His personality that he used to have as a toddler has returned a bit too.

 

On the downside though, he has become much more clingy to me and being a single parent, it's making life very difficult. He won't stay at my parent's house anymore, which he has done since he was a baby. I've had to reduce my hours at work as my parents are struggling with his behaviour. He's had a meltdown tonight whilst i was at work because my Dad gave him the "wrong" dinner.

 

He also hates going out anywhere, unless i manage to catch him in the right mood. He's having virtually no contact with other children (he doesn't want to). I'm worried he's going to become a recluse.

 

Do you home teach your two boys? We had a home tutor, but it had to stop as it was stressing out my son too much and he tried to attack her. I'm waiting on the LEA to decide whether they are going to place him in a special school. There's no way on earth he will cope in mainstream.

 

Loulou

[oracle]

Hi Loulou,

 

Yes I home teach my two and while I will not pretend that it's easy it works for my two. I would however share your concerns about your son. He sounds very much like my eldest David who never wanted to leave the house and never wanted to mix with other kids at all. BUT he did not get his dx until he was 13 and was forced through the system until he was 11, he then had a severe nervous breakdown.

 

We do go though spells with Matthew where he does not want to leave the house, having one now acually but I insist, horrible woman that I am. I know that with both Matthew and David if I gave in all of the time I would become a prisoner to their autism. I do not mean that in a nasty way but I do know people who have not left their houses for years now because their children do not like to go out. I could not live that life.

 

I tell Matthew that there some things I have to do and because he does not go to school he has to come with me while I do them. If he's having a bad time then I make sure that I do a schedule and stick to it. That helps him, because he then knows just what we are doing. When he's having a good time we just go where ever we want until he has had enough. But I do go out EVERY day unless he is ill. I think that if I did not it would become more of a problem. Could you try ten minutes each day - possibily to the corner shop and then increase the time? He may never like going out but will get used to it. My eldest son - who lived in his room for two full years now has a better social life than me - but it's his choice now to do so. To help him I made sure that every time we went out we did something he liked - even if it was just looking at the magazines in the newsagents.

 

David once had a home tutor and then ran up stairs to get away from her and broke his arm. On reflection this lady, who at the time I thought was excellent, said things that David did not like, such as talking about his return to school. At that time he could not handle going back to school.

 

I do think that your son and yourself could use a break from one and other, and I also know that kids with autism are very good at engineering things so that they get their own way! So maybe looking at a school that has a really good understanding of ASD and your sons needs would be a good idea. But make sure that the school really do understand the condition.

 

Carole

[Sue Howatt]

Dear everyone

Thank you for all the replies. George has invented an elaborate scenario whereby school is closed and no-one ever has to go again. He talks about it all the time as if he is willing me to agree with him. I know school is not easy for him, yet I am striving to do all I can with the education authorities so that he gets as much help as possible. It is a lot of politics and having to deal with officious people at times but I am determined to carry on trying.

Thank you again and good luck to you all.

From Sue

[loulou]

Dear Carole,

 

Thanks for your reply. It helps greatly hearing other people's experiences and knowing i am not alone!

 

Home teaching my son would not work because he would run off to play! My house is tiny too so it wouldn't work.

 

I've been to look at a special school today (EBD). The head was fab and they have lots of kids with AS and also ADHD (which my son has). Hopefully the LEA will agree that he needs to be there (i'm awaiting his statement at present).

 

At present my son only likes going out for a bike ride when it's dark! I've kitted him out with lights, helmet and knee pads and we go out for a ride most evenings to watch trains at the station. Lucky me!

 

I too tell him that mummy still needs to go out and as he's not at school he has to come with me. I only take him on quick trips out, nothing too much because i know he'll kick off and i'll end up getting too stressed!

 

Thank you,

 

Loulou

[oracle]

Hi Loulou,

 

You son does sound like my eldest. David was always much better in the dark - do you know why? Well his explination to me, which came years later was that he felt safer in the dark because in the dark you can not see peoples faces and he hated looking at faces. He hated people in general but found it easier to cope with them in the dark. We spent may a night standing at a level crossing watching the trains - in the dark!

 

I am pleased that you like the look of the EBD school some are excellent. Let's hope that the LEA play ball - for once.

 

Just for the record we seldom do any sit round the table learning. Most of our learning is hands on stuff, because Matthew learns best that way. I also have a friend who just arranged a visit to a bus depot for her six year old as part of his Christmas Box - the only thing wanted for Christmas was buses.

 

Hope things begin to move forward for you soon.

 

Carole