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stressedmum

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Hi all, I found this forum a couple of weeks ago and now I've plucked up enough courage to make my first post and I'd like to apologise in advance because it will probably end up a bit long and a bit negative. Anyway, here goes!

I have two children, an 11yr old boy and a 13yr old girl. My son has ASD, delayed development and dyslexia. He attended school until he was eight but his needs weren't being met (we had comments like "He can't have ASD because he's not like the other autistic child I've taught", he was forever in lunchtime and break detentions because he wasn't getting his work done and when he got home from school every day he went into complete meltdown) so I took him out of school to home educate him and things have been a lot better since he came out.

Now onto my daughter. She has always had problems including never sleeping, violence, refusing to go to school, not dealing with her emotions etc. I used to have to carry her to nursery/school and she had to be restrained in the classroom to stop her from running away. I was devastated having to do that to her every day but at the time I didn't know we had any other options. Over the years things calmed down and she wouldn't try to run away once I'd got her into the classroom (I still had a job getting her there though) but it was like she was bottling everything up through the school day then letting rip once she got home. Myself and my son have got several permanent scars to show for it lol

As she's got older and bigger (she's a lot bigger than me now) it's been physically impossible to make her go to school which has led to quite a bit of absence.

Over the years I have tried to get help for her with no success. One time, a few years ago, we had yet another incident of her trying to stab us and once I'd managed to get the knife off her I really felt, at that moment, like stabbing her (I know that sounds like a really horrible thing to say but I was at the end of my tether) so I phoned the doctor and asked that he either give her something to stop her violence or give me something to stop me losing the plot when she was violent. He said he couldn't give her anything but could give me anti-depressants and then I was to go back in a months time to see how things were going, he also said that he believed she had Aspergers because she was just like his two sons that had it. Unfortunately, I missed the follow up appointment with him due to a bereavement so had to see the other doctor who, when she saw us, turned round to my daughter and said "You've got to be good for your mum because she is poorly". I was so shocked and upset about what she'd said that I decided to give up trying to get help.

Moving on to more recent times. My daughter started her periods in February last year and really didn't deal well with it. She started banging her head on walls and door frames (this is something she used to do but hadn't done it for a few years) and she also started threatening to kill herself. I suggested various people she could talk to about it all but she refused to talk to anyone but me. This also had more of an effect on her school attendence aswell.

Anyway, we were sort of getting things more back to normal and she was improving her attendence at school when I had a knock on the door just over a week ago from a police officer and a truancy officer. I told them everything and, because I felt awful telling complete strangers personal things about my daughter I started crying. Then out of the blue they asked me if I was on medication. I didn't know what to say to that at the time except no but I've since reported them for asking that as it was irrelevant to the situation. Since then I've had the education welfare officer turn up at the door, the school nurse on the phone and had to attend a meeting with someone at school. The meeting didn't go too well because he produced reports from her primary school saying that she loved school (they weren't seeing the melt downs after school), they said that according to her file there were no concerns about her behaviour at her current school (yet she always seems to be getting detentions, being told off for fiddling with things and being sent out of the classroom for answering back etc.) and that she had only had three detentions since October (we've managed to count seven since October. We believe there are more but she destroyed her first planner so we can't check it). He also implied that because most of the problems happen at home, the problem must be home. He is now talking about getting her a mentor, getting psychiactric help for her, getting on to our doctor etc.

I just feel so stressed by all this and it has also had a negative effect on my daughter. We needed the help years ago but now, when things had started improving, they all come charging in at once. It just feels now that the whole situation has rapidly gone out of our control and I'm feeling pretty lonely and up against it all at the moment.

Anyway, sorry that was long (it could have been longer but I decided to give the condensed version lol) and hopefully it all made sense. I just needed somewhere to offload it to and hopefully feel a bit better just by writing it all down.

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Hi stressed and welcome to the world of online forums and posters.

 

I can identify with much of what you have put down. Especially when peeps ask about "your" being on medication its almost as if they are saying to you - we believe its down to parenting which is a great scapegoat for the system. Its been suggested to me I need counselling too :whistle: along with parenting classes (which arent aimed at ASD behaviours) the list is never ending.

 

Firstly you have to deal with yourself and remain strong and dont allow others to browbeat you, by all means admit your limitations you are not superwoman you are a ordinary mum dealing with extraordinary children. Its imperative you recognise your needs your welfare is crucial to the welfare of your kids. I take antidepressantsand it really helps me cope so using medication tohelp you get through a tough patch is perfectly okay.

 

Your daughter is going through puberty which is a tough time for any child. Her behaviour could also be a result of sibling anger and jealousy over her brother who by the sounds of it has more needs. My daughter competes with her brother for my attention and says things like I ignore her and I dont love her becuase of her brothers needs. I have to tell her that I love them both equally but that my DS needs my help more. I suggestedthat she become involved with caring for her brother but she does it only when shes in the mood. Shes actually a very loving child and very loyal to her brother. Which i suspect your daughter is too. They all have a loving side. I know they can push you to the point that you almost hate them and want tohurt them but thankfully we dont. Your daughter sounds as if shes trying to find herself and her identity and by being oppositional shes getting attetnion. If you feel she is on the spectrum then you really need to push for dx. I fought for 8 years to get my daughters dx as they said to me she didnt appear to be like others on the spectrum (a bit like they said about your son). You know your own child. I pushed for dx in order to get the help Ifelt she badly needed. I know its easy to find reasons why we dont stuff makeexcuses but utimately I have found that I do one thing at a time. I concentrate on one "project". In the past i tried to do alot of different things at once and felt as if I never got anywhere fast.

 

I know how it feels when you are getting it from sides - your kids/the school/the system and you feel as if you are piggy in the middle trying to exercise as much damage limitation as possible. It makes you really angry and frustrated. You now need to find out exactly who can help you and get them to do asmuch as they can, if you have friends. family, the kids dad or a trusted professional this is a time when you need to call on them. Have u got a social worker? I have a disability team social worker who can also help. It carrys more clout when they support you and acknowledge the problems your children have. Although they can get it wrong sometimes, but its up to you how much involvement you want.

 

You need to try and step back take a deep breath and decide what is the most important thing you need to tackle first.

 

I have to do lists.

 

Have you tried talking to your daughter I think shes old enough to know - see how she feels about dx? Ihad a friends girl about the same age who was introuble with police lying saying her mum beat her etc. and mum ended up gettign arrested. The girl would say to her mum unless you do XYZ i will tell that you hit me :devil: she was manipulative esepcially towards strangers she would act sweet and innocent and her mum was made to look a liar.

 

Although my daughter hasnt reached this puberty stage yet I can still see many things that I can identify with in your post.

 

Good luck and keep strong your a good mum (I know is hard to believe this sometimes, I struggle with it to).

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Hi Stressedmum, a very warm wlecome to the forum, I hope by now you feel a little better by typing all your thoughts and feelings down. It certainly sounds like you have an awful lot to deal with at the moment, both past and present. I think one of the most difficult things is when as a parent they look to you for blame or excuses as to why your child is acting in such and such way. Know exactly where you are coming from re; OK at school but meltdowns at home, we too had this all through primary. Its only now as my DS has reached his teenage yrs has everything really fallen apart and we are currently home tutoring.

 

I hope you find this forum as useful and supportive as I do.

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> Clare x x x

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Thanks for the warm welcome and I do feel better now I've written things down (I've also bought some St. Johns Wort to try to give me the kick up the bum that I need).

I decided to write today off and just relax with my son a bit because he's been badly affected by these strange people knocking on the door. He knows it's got to do with the times my daughter doesn't attend school so thinks, because he doesn't go to school at all, they will also be coming about him and trying to make him go back to school too :rolleyes: So we've just pottered about in the library and picked up some more modelling clay for him to take his frustrations out on.

We don't have a social worker or any other professional support. We did have a paediatrician who we saw about my son but we haven't seen her for the last couple of years and she has left the job anyway. We have been in touch with the local clinic to get an appointment with the new paediatrician and that has just come through and we'll see him/her in the half term holidays and while I'm there I'll try to get some advice about what's happening with my daughter.

 

When she was about three years old she started doing the telling people I was hitting her thing aswell. Her usual trick was for her to lie on the hallway floor screaming things like "Mummy, stop hitting me mummy, you're hurting me!" knowing full well that the lady next door could hear her. She carried this on for months and I kept trying to explain what was happening to the neighbour but she didn't believe me until one day when it was happening, she came banging on the door. I let her in and offered her a cuppa, then my daughter started screaming "Mrs. C (the neighbours name) stop hitting me, you're hurting me!". She started believing me after that!

 

She can be very loving but it's like someone keeps flicking the light switch on and off and you never know which side of her you're going to get from one minute to the next. I do talk to her about the problems she's having and she does try to communicate what's happening and how she's feeling but she finds it hard to verbalise everything. We keep trying though and we're always making slow and steady steps.

Anyway, I'll stop typing now because I'm rambling again lol Thanks again for the welcome and support, it's really appreciated :)

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> Stressedmum welcome to the Forum.It does sound as though you have a lot of stressful thing happening at the momment.I hope that as a result of all that has been going on you will get some suppport from the Dr and psychiatrist.It may well be worth vising your GP yourself to request a referal to CAMHS in case the school are not forthcoming.

There is plenty of information on the Forum.Please do ask if you have any questions.The crew here are very supportive and knowledgable and others here have had similar experiences. >:D<<'> Karen.

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When she was about three years old she started doing the telling people I was hitting her thing aswell. Her usual trick was for her to lie on the hallway floor screaming things like "Mummy, stop hitting me mummy, you're hurting me!" knowing full well that the lady next door could hear her. She carried this on for months and I kept trying to explain what was happening to the neighbour but she didn't believe me until one day when it was happening, she came banging on the door. I let her in and offered her a cuppa, then my daughter started screaming "Mrs. C (the neighbours name) stop hitting me, you're hurting me!". She started believing me after that!

 

She can be very loving but it's like someone keeps flicking the light switch on and off and you never know which side of her you're going to get from one minute to the next. I do talk to her about the problems she's having and she does try to communicate what's happening and how she's feeling but she finds it hard to verbalise everything. We keep trying though and we're always making slow and steady steps.

Anyway, I'll stop typing now because I'm rambling again lol Thanks again for the welcome and support, it's really appreciated :)

 

 

My friends daughter would do this in public - if my friend toldher off shed cringe away from her saying "Mummy please dont hurt me" and making a scene. Of course my friend felt mortified. Her daughter was 11 at the time and a big girl. My friends girl was placed on the child protection register it all got a bit messy. Kids dont realise how serious things can get.

 

she went on to be dx d Aspergers with oppisitional definance disorder and bi-polar - but my friend had a terrible time convincing the authorities that she was not in fact harming her daughter. It amazed me as my friend also had other kids younger ones at the time and there was never any concern over them. My friend was also accussed of munchausen by proxy over her daughter and attention seeking. As a parent you feel as if you have to prove your worth to a system who is quick to judge. I too had to prove to powers that be that my DS behaviour was due to his ASD and not my ###### parenting. You are on the right track now stay strong. We are all behind you!

 

Its great you have taken a day off to spend quality time with your son. Its hard because its easy to feel negative about our kids then they are acting up. I do this too as I am human. maybe it would be an idea to have some mother/daughter time. My daughter really responds to this and I make special time for her!

 

Sometimes there just not enough "me" to go around.

 

Try to stay positive there is light at the end of the tunnel. >:D<<'>

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