For the AS Cohort, please...

[bid]

I'm not meaning to be rude, but please can just AS peeps reply, because I'm getting all the NT input I need/can handle from DH

 

The situation: we are going to a wedding in a couple of weeks.

 

This is a 'friend' we have known for 15 odd years...but it is someone who was 'presented' to me as a friend, as it were, when I met DH as she was in his circle of friends. In all those years I have never had a 'real' conversation with her, just social niceities, etc. DH has already said I have been rude leaving him to reply to her emails about the reception, etc, so I have replied to the last one. I don't see the problem, but am happy to accept that he understands the social pitfalls better than me.

 

BUT, the real problem...at the wedding will be someone who I felt (desperately wanted to be??) was my bestfriend since we were students together. For 17 odd years I tried so hard to be the best sort of friend and we did a lot of things together including having babies , but really it was very one-sided, with even less contact once she moved away...to the extent that she ignored my emails, then would say how busy she had been followed by descriptions of things she had done with other mutual 'friends'

 

Over the last couple of years I have stopped all the acting I did for most of my adult life in a desperate attempt to 'fit in', especially over social interaction. I used to try so hard, and was still left out or ignored, so now I don't bother as I'd rather be on my own than pathetically trying to be friends with people who don't really want to know, or do but only as long as it benefits them in some way. I love the social interaction I get at work, where I am accepted for myself and that is enough for me.

 

It wouldn't bother me if I didn't see either of these women ever again...I don't mean that in a horrid way, I just wouldn't mind.

 

ANYWAY (sorry ) my problem is what am I going to do at this wedding because we will probably be put on the same table as my erstwhile 'best friend'? People think I sulk or do stoney silences, but when I'm agitated I genuinely can't think what to say and the words really won't come out What am I going to do if the EBF speaks to me or tries to 'patch things up'?? She knows I am upset because DH told her I was last year.

 

This all sounds so pathetic, but it is a really big thing for me, and I am feeling

 

Bid

Edited February 6, 2008 by bid

[Flora]

bid

 

I'm going to probably be no help at all here.... because the only advice I can think of (and it's what I would do) is don't go!! OR... if you're kids are going, then just interact with them unless you find that you become comfortable enough.

 

Like I said, that is no help is it? However, I decided quite a long time ago (a good few years) to not do anything social that was making me agitated. I do socialise, in fact I love to socialise, but if things get me in a state just thinking about them then I just say 'no thank you'. I'm sure there will be an onslaught of reasons why I've given you bad advice (well not advice really, just my opinion) and quite rightly too; for instance you'd be letting your DH down, you could be missing out on what turns out to be a fab social occasion etc etc etc. Sadly though for myself I haven't really come up with any useful strategies, I just get struck dumb, end up feeling like a complete social twit, and either have too much to drink or make an excuse to leave just when everyone else is warming up!

 

I hope someone with more ooomph and get up and go will come along and give you advice bid I am aware that my method of avoiding difficult social situations is one that has caused upset in the past, but it's the way I am and at the ripe old age of 21 I don't think I can change (or rather it would be more honest to say I don't think I want to). I reckon the only thing that would make me veer from my usual stubborn path is if it involved one of my kids (ie if it was my dd's wedding etc) but then I don't think it would be an awkward occasion if that were the case so that doesn't really count.

 

So sorry I'm not very helpful <'> Hope someone with something useful to say comes along soon.

 

flozza (the cop out!!!!).

[Tally]

Would it be possible to email your/your husband's friend to ask who is sitting at your table? I expect it would be fairly easy for her to lay her hands on a list. At least then you will know.

 

It's possible she has said something to other people, and you won't be seated together as a result.

 

Everyone else is looking forward to this, but for you it is going to be hard work. I don't think there's any way around that

 

If it were me, I would try to be friendly with the "best" friend, if she approached me first, or if we were sat at the same table (otherwise I'd probably just try to stay out of her way) . . . it's unlikely she'll contact you again after the wedding, given her history. And you could just ignore her It would be uncomfortable, but for the sake of keeping the peace, and making the bride and groom think everyone is enjoying themselves, it's got to be worth a try. It is only one day.

 

Can you try to pre-plan some topics to talk about if you have to? You could even keep a list in your bag and pop off to the loo to read it every once in a while. You could ask your husband to try to lead the conversation or change the subject, if things start going off in a weird direction. You could have a sign that would tell him that you need him to intervene.

 

I don't mean to belittle how hard this feels for you. I just, really, don't see any way around it. I hope you don't have to resort to not going, because I think you'd feel guilty about that. I think it would be better if you go and survive, even if you hate it and you are exhausted and drained by the end of it. And you can normally slip away early from a wedding reception unnoticed. Perhaps also worth having a sign for, "I need to leave right now."

Edited February 7, 2008 by Tally

[Frangipani]

Bid <'>

 

I know I am not the one to answer as I am NT but to be honest I felt like this at 3am on my own wedding day - a miracle I turned up. I was in a major major gas explosion when I was reading the fresh off the press freshly printed 'wedding nuptial'. I was on the evening news how I survived is a miracle, not a cut or burn. . So I had PTSD or was it a message from God 'don't get married' may I say visit your gp and ask for something to calm the nerves or a straight neat brandy. They gave me this after the gas explosion that resembled September 11's lobby glass and floor two storeys blew up before me and the ripple in the carpet knocked me off my feet. I imagine I understand on a certain level how it feels. The thing that helped me that day and o front up on my wedding day was 1/3 cup straight warm brandy or gp visit. . Then follow the awesome suggestions above.

 

A pretty new sparkle fantastic dress. <'> <'> <'>

 

Fran

[bid]

My natural response is like Flozza's, but I know I should deal with it as Tally advises

 

But it's just such a lot of historical stuff making me so upset, which then means I will just shut down...and people think I'm sulking or doing a stoney silence, even people who know I have AS and understand about AS have said this about me before , when I'm not.

 

It's hard to explain, but in these kinds of situations my head is full of too many emotions which overwhelm me, and I genuinely can't get words out of my mouth. I just shut down, because the other response is to run away. And I know my face goes all 'closed up' looking, which again people have said is me being whatever, but it isn't, I've just shut down Are any of you guys affected in a similar way?

 

Thank you for your replies and PMs.

 

Bid

 

On the plus side, I'm working that evening, so we should be able to leave early-ish. But then I also feel bad because these are DH's friends, and my kids love seeing EBF's kids, so I will feel like some kind of Doom Goblin in the corner. And DH is now sayng he won't be able to leave me to circulate...but I've pointed out I was just the same in big social situations before my dx, but he seems to feel he can't leave me now he knows I have AS

 

And he says I'm isolating myself socially and that he won't collude , but I've told him I'm quite happy. I love my job, and that gives me all the real-life social interaction I need.

 

Also, DH has told EBF about my dx (and she may well have told other mutual family friends), and while I'm not ashamed of having AS, I'm worried I'm going to be a source of speculation/interest/sympathy...which will make me want to scream!

 

Sorry to drone on I just feel in such a state about this

Edited February 7, 2008 by bid

[Flora]

It's hard to explain, but in these kinds of situations my head is full of too many emotions which overwhelm me, and I genuinely can't get words out of my mouth. I just shut down, because the other response is to run away. And I know my face goes all 'closed up' looking, which again people have said is me being whatever, but it isn't, I've just shut down Are any of you guys affected in a similar way?

 

I would say that I am affected in an identical way.

 

It's a tough one, because it's obviously important to your DH, and it's only a decision you and he can make together really.

 

Probably the advice that Tally gave, going along and just doing your best is offically the best advice and probably what you should do.

 

I so wish I could give you some useful tips and advice; the only one's I have at my disposal are:

 

Let them think you're sulky or whatever it is they think; if they do then nothing's new there is it? You will live.

 

Let them see you looking fantastic (and clinically well dressed ) and that, despite you're dx, you still have only one head

 

Have two glasses of wine very quickly, then no more... This should give you some fuzzy headed but controllable momentum to get you through an hour or so, but will ensure that you are totally stone cold sober by the time you go to work.

 

Insist on leaving at a set time, so that you know exactly how long it will last for.

 

Wear some sun glasses (if anyone questions why, tell them you've got a headache!). Coloured lenses/sun glasses help me if I want to feel less visible. (bit like the head in the sand thing, they can see you, but it doesn't feel like that because you can't see them ).

 

I'd do the above if I felt compelled to go for family reasons. If it wasn't family or valued friends I just wouldn't go... Probably one of the many reasons why me and my DH are divorced Hardly a shining example

 

flozza xxxxxxxxxx

Edited February 7, 2008 by Flora

[Tally]

And he says I'm isolating myself socially and that he won't collude , but I've told him I'm quite happy. I love my job, and that gives me all the real-life social interaction I need.

Then surely he would want to support you to help you cope with this wedding???

 

I normally just don't say anything. If my ex was with me, he would talk all the time and I could just smile and nod, and no one would realise I hadn't actually spoken. I would really struggle with anything like a wedding on my own.

[Mumble]

I'm glad you've got sensible advice from Flora and Tally and co - it means I can give not-so-sensible advice

 

My first thought would be don't go. I've never been to a wedding because I know I wouldn't cope with the iccy clothes and social stuff and wouldn't want to spoil anything for other people.

 

However if you are going, I think you have three options:

1. Go in disguise
2. Change your name by deed poll then you have a reason for not responding to your 'name'
3. Do a Ross - switch the name cards and end up on the kids' table (just avoid the over sized girls dancing on your feet)

Now back to this baby thing? How exactly does that work - this has to be more bizarre than Phoebe having her brother Frank Jr's babies!!

 

 

Any of that any help? :lol:

[smiley]

It's hard to explain, but in these kinds of situations my head is full of too many emotions which overwhelm me, and I genuinely can't get words out of my mouth. I just shut down, because the other response is to run away. And I know my face goes all 'closed up' looking, which again people have said is me being whatever, but it isn't, I've just shut down Are any of you guys affected in a similar way?

 

Yes, yes, yes - and i'm yet to find a way around it that doesn't cause me horrible amounts of anxiety .

 

I tend to gravitate towards people who will be more understanding if i shut down now - and the majority of my family and close friends know of my dx, and can spot when i'm making 'back off for a minute signals' - so it's not such a problem in everyday life. But, faced with the wedding from h*ll - i'd feel like you to <'> <'>

 

It's a difficult balance isn't it? On the one hand i'd want to protect myself from anything i feel threatened by - but at the same time - imagine how fantastic you'll feel once it's done and you survived!

 

Best plan i would come up with is to find EBF and start a conversation (even if it's just 'Nice weather today! lol) as soon as i can. I tend to get more and more anxious the longer it goes on, confronting her/the situation first and before i'm too overloaded would be preferable - ripping off that plaster would take the edge off, but then i'm a bit stubborn like that!

 

Difficult situation for you - and eveyone else. Assuming EBF / other people are aware of your dx, they will probably be just as nervous to make you comfortable, or to not stress you too much. Sounds like hubs is trying to protect you too - back to that balancing act again......

 

Difficult one hun <'> <'>

 

Ps - i agree with Flo, glam it up!

[bid]

Thanks all <'>

 

At the mo I'm doing my ostrich impression over the wedding

 

Smiley...tell all about your dx!! Another Lipstick Aspie

 

Bid

[smiley]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh I've gone all shy now! I thought you knew???!

 

Two / three years ago first mentioned to me via M's lot (i can remember thinking i fit the description whilst completing a dissertation on Autism waaaaaay before M was born) - officially confirmed last year, during the whole having-a-mad-couple-of-months-and-needed-counselling-before-my-head-explodes-time. Refered from there, and the obvious was confirmed, lol! No great surprise to me.

[bid]

Woop woop!!

 

Bid

Edited February 11, 2008 by bid

[bid]

YES!!

 

Just found out that EBF will be abroad so won't be at the wedding!!

 

I'm sooo relieved

 

Bid

[Clare63]

Bid,

 

Know I am not supposed to write on this thread as I am meant to be "NT" but just had to say "Great News"

 

 

Clare x x x

[Kathryn]

Psst!

 

I'm not really qualified to post here either, but just popping my head round the door to say great news! I hope it removes one stress factor at least, and that the day goes as smoothly as possible.

 

<'>

 

K x

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

ooohooohoooh

brilll

[bid]

Gulp...off to the wedding in half an hour

 

I'm wearing a fave wrap dress with a purple and cream 'Biba-esque' pattern, brown fish-nets and fabby brown satiny boots...and I've got a garjuss purple velvet handbag all embroidered with beads and sequins Plus my lurvely necklace and ear-rings that I bought for Greenwich last year, and some HUGE sun glasses just in case!

 

I hope to look like a Woman of Mystery so that no one will talk to me!

 

Will report back laters!

 

Bid

[Bagpuss]

Good luck Bid <'>

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

oh hunny will be thinking of you <'>

your outfit sounds soo cool

and just you, and that is what is important

x

 

 

 

hang on purple bag??????????

x

[Suze]

Been following this thread Bid..........hope it goes o.k..........I,m sure it,ll be fine <'> ..............I hate having to aknowledge people who have been bad to me in the past..........I tend to cut them right out, so hope things are alright today best wishes suzex...........your outfit sounds luverley.......

[Tally]

Hope it went OK Bid <'>

[bid]

Well, I'm back, and I successfully drove through London there and back for the first time ever!!

 

It wasn't too bad in the end, and I even had a conversation with my DD's Godmother's DP, although afterwards I realised I'd forgotten to ask him anything about himself! And it was about special needs

 

Best bit was the girlie who looked exactly like our cat would if she was a person

 

Glad it's over, and also my dress was the fabbiest there! (Apart from the bride's!! ) Oooh, and my bag, although the bride did have a more garjuss one all covered in silver sequins

 

Bid

 

Thank you everyone for listening to my panics beforehand <'> <'>

Edited February 23, 2008 by bid

[Kathryn]

Relieved to hear it went OK.

 

Any photos available of the dress (yours that is )?

 

K x