I am so depressed and unhappy

[dharma]

Hi, I am new here. I apologise for introducing myself with a problem.

 

I am a late 30's male and father to a daughter who is non-verbal with severe Kanner type autism and learning disabilities. It was only through following the diagnostic process for her that I realised that most of the stuff that I was reading applied to me and answered sooooo many questions about myself.

 

I present as AS/HFA and dyspraxic, although I have not got far with the NHS (I have spotted through reading on here that the NAS have an email helpline, and have just asked them for a list of 'recommended' clinics/practitioners in my area).

 

My problem relates to my employment. I am a civil servant, and have been employed for approx 20 years, mainly in low ranking, routine and repetitive positions. I have never disclosed my suspicions to my employers (especially as I have only realised over the last 4-5 years or so). I achieved my first and only promotion much later than average. Over the years I have moved into different, more complex and demanding roles, and each time, I have reached a point where it would become too much, and the only escape was to apply for a transfer before I was shown up as being incompetent, move on to a new section, learn the new job, cope until limit reached, repeat.

 

This method worked reasonably well until recently. I accepted a post in a new section. The reason I went for the post was because I was not required to work weekends, allowing me more time to help my wife at home with our highly demanding daughter. I was happy to get the position, however I now realise that I made a terrible, terrible mistake in going there. I have joined probably the most highly pressurised place there is, not helped at all by the almost aggressive management style. It is a very small team, none of whom have families. They all go out for drinks, which is fine, but they are so secretive and email each other to make the arrangements, even though I am sitting right there. I do not even want to go with them, and I am sure they know that if they asked me I would say 'No thanks'. My line manager, part of the 'clique', has been knocking my confidence from day one, and seems to enjoy mentally torturing me. Every minute, little thing is picked on. I have been told to do something, which I follow explicitly, only to be told later that I have not done what I was asked. She has even told me to do something, then later denied saying it I just don't know how to defend myself against it.

 

Anyway, I recently was signed off work for four weeks with depression and placed on medication. I was getting phoned by my boss, wanting to visit me at my home. Also, phone calls telling me what mistakes I had made at work that they were uncovering. I went back, and it has definitely been implied that if I go sick again (which I was not intending to do anyway), it will go badly for me. I been placed on a warning meaning as I am not meeting my objectives that I have to show vast improvements or things will get serious. Moving on is not an option this time, I have to deal with it somehow, but I have never been in this position before and am frankly quite scared.

 

I am awaiting an appointment with occupational health for a seperate issue, but do you think I should say something to them re my suspicions? I really don't know what to do. I am going to have to try very hard to be perfect over the next quarter, as well as trying to negotiate the NT minefield that is my office. I hate it so much, and just wish I could find something else. I am considering pay cuts and have been looking for private sector vacancies, something I would normally rule out.

 

Sigh.

 

Any comments welcome.

Thank you.

Edited February 24, 2009 by dharma

[pearl]

Hiya. I'm at work right now but will respond later

[pearl]

Its lunchtime so I'm back.

Really sorry to hear about the problems you are having. Are you in a union? If you are I'd have a word with them about whats happening.

 

From what you've said it sounds like you are being harrassed & bullied & the union should be able to act as an advocate for you to get things resolved. If there are issues with your work, phoning you at home when off sick is inappropriate, as is veiled threats. Keep a log of what is happening to show to your union rep.

 

If you arent happy in this team (sometimes things are just a "bad fit" quite apart from the bullying issue) is it possible to ask for a transfer/redeployment? Why is moving on not an option?

 

And yes I'd mention it to occupational health as well as the other issue.

 

I do sympathise - I've been bullied at work myself & its horrible.

 

I expect there will be others along with advice.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

How awful for your. I think Pearl has given you some good advice, and I'd just reiterate that.

 

This effectly amounts to harassment - phoning you at home when you're off sick with stress and pointing our errors, etc. Could you approach the company's HR/Personnel department? If not, are there are union reps that could help? Failing that, keep a diary/record of what's going on - this amounts to bullying and needs to be tackled rather than swept under the carpet. Clearly, you have more than enough to cope with (your daughter), and this is an added pressure.

 

NB: Generally, in the first instance, it's advisable to air an issues with the person concerned and then progress things further if things don't improve. I realise that might be incredibly difficult, and it might be an idea to get someone to mediate (HR/Personnel/Union Rep). Even CAB might be able to give you some advice.

 

Best of luck with this.

 

Caroline.

[Kathryn]

A tough situation, dharma.

 

Deciding whether this is the right work environment for you is another issue - and I appreciate that it may be difficult to move, especially in today's economic climate. However nobody should have to work under that kind of stress, especially when you've been ill.

 

I agree with the advice you've been given about sharing your concerns with HR. It does sound like you've been subjected to inappropriate pressure and possibly bullying.Your work must have a policy on harrassment. I work for a small fairly informal organisation and even we have a written statement about that.

 

K x

[jon79]

Not sure if im best to advise, but i have some difficulties at work and all school years. Never really grasp what im meant to be doing and end up floundering barely scraping by hanging on. Then move to another area and repeat. Apraisal is always below acceptable level and statements courses action to improve performanace. In words is all fine, but in actual reality is just not going to happen, level i operate at is my level. My best endavor and will everyday is just not suffciient to reach the accpetable level. And once are struggling is difficult to recover and redeem the siuation. Redemption and recovery is difficult for person of this level. A superior minded person could redeem the position but they wouldnt get into that position in first place.

One mind set to have that may help you is just survival hang on in there until the last, until physically removed from job. Keep fighing keep on keeping on. Does not matter if unhappy or dislike this is it. This is your income. Reval in the battering

 

[Jannih]

Hi, I am new here. I apologise for introducing myself with a problem.

 

I am a late 30's male and father to a daughter who is non-verbal with severe Kanner type autism and learning disabilities. It was only through following the diagnostic process for her that I realised that most of the stuff that I was reading applied to me and answered sooooo many questions about myself.

 

I present as AS/HFA and dyspraxic, although I have not got far with the NHS (I have spotted through reading on here that the NAS have an email helpline, and have just asked them for a list of 'recommended' clinics/practitioners in my area).

 

My problem relates to my employment. I am a civil servant, and have been employed for approx 20 years, mainly in low ranking, routine and repetitive positions. I have never disclosed my suspicions to my employers (especially as I have only realised over the last 4-5 years or so). I achieved my first and only promotion much later than average. Over the years I have moved into different, more complex and demanding roles, and each time, I have reached a point where it would become too much, and the only escape was to apply for a transfer before I was shown up as being incompetent, move on to a new section, learn the new job, cope until limit reached, repeat.

 

This method worked reasonably well until recently. I accepted a post in a new section. The reason I went for the post was because I was not required to work weekends, allowing me more time to help my wife at home with our highly demanding daughter. I was happy to get the position, however I now realise that I made a terrible, terrible mistake in going there. I have joined probably the most highly pressurised place there is, not helped at all by the almost aggressive management style. It is a very small team, none of whom have families. They all go out for drinks, which is fine, but they are so secretive and email each other to make the arrangements, even though I am sitting right there. I do not even want to go with them, and I am sure they know that if they asked me I would say 'No thanks'. My line manager, part of the 'clique', has been knocking my confidence from day one, and seems to enjoy mentally torturing me. Every minute, little thing is picked on. I have been told to do something, which I follow explicitly, only to be told later that I have not done what I was asked. She has even told me to do something, then later denied saying it I just don't know how to defend myself against it.

 

Anyway, I recently was signed off work for four weeks with depression and placed on medication. I was getting phoned by my boss, wanting to visit me at my home. Also, phone calls telling me what mistakes I had made at work that they were uncovering. I went back, and it has definitely been implied that if I go sick again (which I was not intending to do anyway), it will go badly for me. I been placed on a warning meaning as I am not meeting my objectives that I have to show vast improvements or things will get serious. Moving on is not an option this time, I have to deal with it somehow, but I have never been in this position before and am frankly quite scared.

 

I am awaiting an appointment with occupational health for a seperate issue, but do you think I should say something to them re my suspicions? I really don't know what to do. I am going to have to try very hard to be perfect over the next quarter, as well as trying to negotiate the NT minefield that is my office. I hate it so much, and just wish I could find something else. I am considering pay cuts and have been looking for private sector vacancies, something I would normally rule out.

 

Sigh.

 

Any comments welcome.

Thank you.

 

 

Hi Dharma

 

Sorry to hear about the problems you are experiencing at work. Which Department are you with ?

 

It might be worth your while getting a formal diagnosis as that will be proof that you have a disability and your employer would have some legal obligation to take your condition into account. The Civil Service, as you know, is an Equal Opportunities Employer and they should be making your situation more "work friendly."

 

I agree with the others that you should report the bullying and harrassment to your union. Your line manger and colleagues are out of order . No employee should be treated like that. The PCS take a dim view of bullying and have given the subject quite a high profile recently. If you are not in the Union, then I suugest you join it.

 

You can also get advice in regard to employment law from ACAS and Citizen Advice Bureau as there is potential for taking it to an Employment Tribunal. Your Employer has a duty of care to ensure that you are not exposed to stress / bullying etc. that could lead to depression or any other type of illness.

 

Jannih

 

 

 

 

[dharma]

thanks for the comments, they really help.

 

the reason i can't move on is because the only way is up. there is a job at the next grade up elsewhere that i feel i could get as i have experience and familiarity with the specialism. however, it involves management of a team, and participating in high level meetings that affect the entire organisation. i was considering it as an escape route, but after giving it some thought last night, i now feel that i may simply be substituting a bad situation for an even more stressful one. i cannot consider a downward move for financial reasons, though nothing would make me happier than to move to a job with less responsibility, pathetic as that sounds. there are no sideways moves available. my transferable skills would only let me compete for a much lower salary in the private sector.

 

i am in a union, but don't really know what to say to them. the problem is that the anxiety that i have been experiencing, and my confusion since starting there about the exact requirements has led to my making errors, some serious, that have all contributed to getting me into actual trouble, something that i am not used to. i fear that if i say anything, i will come across as an incompetent who is just making excuses. my managers are very clever, and can 'tie me up in knots' if they want to. i fear i would come off worst in a confrontation. i have not kept diaries, i have just been 'taking it to heart'.

 

my previous roles have been very 'rules-based' and task orientated, with clearly defined processes. once you have learned the processes, you can do the job just as well as NT colleagues, if not better. without bragging, in those roles i received very good staff appraisals. my favourite role was data entry and database management. my current role in comparison is quite abstract, and requires a keen awareness of the 'big picture'...oh dear. it also involves attendance at regular team meetings. on bad days i can be found hiding in the toilet cubicle, just to get away. while on sickness absence, i was put on particular anti-depressants that produced some rather dark times also.

 

i want to tell occ health about my self-diagnosis, but i don't feel able to competently express myself well enough for them to take me seriously. i find it extremely difficult to talk about myself, i can't emphasise that enough. ideally, i think that i would like to remain undercover. if i can figure out how to reduce my stress, anxiety, and disorganisation, i might be able to make it work. it's like i am being forced to learn how to interact.

 

i am going to try my best to get something positive out of this. i am under review and am going to have my work retricted and be micro-managed. i do feel demoralised, but i am going to do my best to improve my work, and my understanding of the work. i have been told to ask more questions, so by heck that is what i am going to do.

 

i want to try and find a way to fit in more but it is so difficult. i would ideally like to mimic NT behaviour so that i can 'keep my enemies close', as the saying goes.

 

i don't know. what i can say is that it feels good to talk about it.

 

[dharma]

...It might be worth your while getting a formal diagnosis as that will be proof that you have a disability and your employer would have some legal obligation to take your condition into account.

 

hi, believe me i have tried on several occasions with my GP but they are just not interested in referring me on, saying that it is not a priority for funding, and advising me to go private. i have contacted the NAS to ask for a localised list.

 

as for the bullying, after speaking to you good people, i am going to commence a diary. i am also thinking of ways that i can protect myself more. i am feeling a lot better now than when i first posted. lets hope things remain that way..!

Edited February 26, 2009 by dharma

[pearl]

It helps to get things off your chest, doesn't it?

You express yourself really well on here - so how about writing a version of this to show the union/HR so they know exactly what is happening & how it is affecting you.

 

My husband is a civil servant, & like you, would rather stay at the level he is than be promoted to a more stressful position. But he has found his niche & is happy. Although you say there is nothing you can move sideways to, I'd have thought they could redeploy you if the situation you are in clearly isnt working.

[NickyB]

Hi dharma

 

Sorry to hear about the problems you're having. There is some information about workplace bullying on the direct.gov website which might be useful : here a link direct.gov

 

Hope that helps

 

 

[Mandapanda]

Hi dharma

 

I personally would recommend you find a sympathetic GP at your practice if possible. There is an Adult ASD department at the Maudsley Hospital (see quote from their literature below) - I know because I am a secretary in an Adult Mental Health Team and the Consultants have referred people there. If you sit in the GP's room and refuse to move until a referral is made, hopefully you will get referred. I had to do this to get my son referred as he was always a model child in the GP's room! This is hard to do BUT you must get yourself sorted out and care for yourself otherwise you will be in no position to help your wife and daughter. Sometime you have to take priority for a little while in order to better support them.

 

"The Maudsley Centre for Behavioural Disorders is the only NHS assessment and

treatment unit in the country that offers treatment and assessment to adults with

Attention Deficit Disorder, autistic spectrum disorders (ASD?s) such as Asperger?s

Syndrome, high functioning autism and/or other complex mental health needs."

 

Other points:

 

You may not be incompetent - you may not have been trained adequately.

Some people without children can be very dismissive of the demands of having children (even if those children do have severe disabilities).

Are you getting DLA or other relevant benefits for your daughter - this may help with the finances if you do have to leave. CAB should definitely be able to help with this.

Being miserable at work is awful as it is very difficult not to take it home with you, making the home situation even more difficult. Is there someone - a friend or previous work colleague who can talk through with you the difficulties you are having and what possible options there may be?

 

Please push for some medical help as this should help other people to help you sort out your other problems. There are organisations who help - Advocacy services, The Shaw Trust and no doubt others I am not aware of yet.

 

Good luck <'> <'> <'>

Edited February 26, 2009 by Mandapanda

[NobbyNobbs]

where abouts are you in the country? if someone else on the board has had a diagnosis in that county, you can use that as evidence that you are being discriminated against because you are not recieving equal care.

 

i had to fight to get a GP to refer me for assessment, even though i have a letter from a psychiatrist stating i needed assessment. i saw every doctor at my surgery before i found one which would refer me. my first doctor actually claimed he had referred me, and that they had come back saying i had to pay. the final doctor also referred me, and the unit which is doing the assessment is the one that according to the first doctor didn't do NHS assessments!

[bid]

I was diagnosed at Prof. Baron-Cohen's clinic in Cambridge (CLASS). It was an NHS referral, but unfortunately after dx the clinic doesn't offer any treatment.

 

Good luck <'>

 

Bid

[joanne1]

At the end of the day you are being bullied at work and pushed into a corner. It is making you feel ill, all at the hands of your collegues. It should not be accepted and you should not have to put up with it.

 

The problem is if they see it having an effect on you they will do it all the more. They obviously aren't that nice, I mean grown ups after all!! But if it isn't going to stop you will have to do something, as hard as it is.

Is your job worth all the misery? Please dont take offence, I just mean would you be happier in another job? Somewhere else?

 

I understand it must be hard for you as it sounds as if they all pee in the same pot.

 

I hope you can sort this out, you shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

Joanne

[TheNeil]

I can kind of relate to where you're at as I was bullied at work. I'd only been diagnosed with AS for a few months when it started (it had never exactly been a barrel of laughs to start with to be fair though) but it finally reached the point where I couldn't take anymore and just snapped (this would be after about 12 months of 'tolerating'). Went and reported the bullying to my boss who promised to 'have a word' (the guy was notoriously nasty but it was 'just how he is'. That, naturally, made everything 'better' ). That made absolutely no difference whatsoever so I threatened to follow the company's written procedure on bullying and escalate it higher up.

 

That had an effect but, sadly, not a great effect. There were heads of department getting involved...but rather to shut me up rather than to actually sort the problem out. I got the usual 'just see how it goes', 'I'm sure it's not personal' and the classic 'maybe you're over-reacting - I'm sure it's not as bad as you think'. Err sorry but this is affecting my work and, more importantly, me, so either do something about it or I take it higher.

 

In the end I gave in, left and went somewhere else. Problem is in a situation like this, if you report the bullying and get it to stop, I've found that it just makes people resent you (rather than look at their own behaviour) and, once the dust has settled, you're pretty much back to square one. Maybe if the bully had been forced out then things would be different but if you have to face that person every day, then they will intimidate you - whether they intend to or not.

 

At the time I seem to remember reading somewhere that if you feel as though you're being bullied then the company have to do something about it (I'm assuming that it's the same in the public sector).

 

No idea if that helps or not (probably 'not') but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you can get through to the other side. Do you really want to work with people who have attitudes like theirs? Maybe now might be the time to move into the private sector - it's really not so bad once you get used to the pitchforks and the burning tar pits

[dharma]

many thanks all.

 

i have now identified a sideways post to go for. it is more rules based and in a much larger team that is not purely office based. it could work out well for me and i really hope i get it. its a further distance to travel, but i don't care if it gets me away from them. the only downside is i have to go for it in open competition, including the dreaded interview

 

i have now told them that this current job is not for me (citing various reasons, but not including the asd or bullying, because i am a coward), and that i wish to move. i have been given permission to apply. they have suddenly become much friendlier towards me, which i think means that they are glad that i am now trying to move on, i.e. they do not want me there. well, i am glad too! they are also encouraging me to go for lower posts, which i am not really keen on for financial reasons.

 

i am also doing my best to stay focused at work. i really do not want to hand them any 'ammunition' to use against me.

 

thanks so much for the words of advice, it means a lot. i do not have anyone that i can talk to about such matters. my wife has her own set of problems to deal with, and the last thing i want to do is add to her worrys. the pointers to the various information sources are much appreciated too.

[NickyB]

Hi dharma

 

I'm glad you've found a possible solution - best of luck with your job application

 

 

 

 

[pearl]

That sounds promising let us know how you get on.

[dharma]

well, on the work front, things feel better, though they still have their moments. i am still waiting to hear if i have got an interview for the sideways job. i had the occ health appt. i did not raise asd issues. the assessor appeared to be 'on my side', and will be recommending redeployment. my managers are being more patient, and not quite so horrible. we want the same thing, they want me gone, and i want me gone.

 

however, this has paled into insignificance compared with what has happened in my personal life. my wife announced after days of not speaking to me that she wants to leave with the kids and end our 10 year marriage! when i try to find out the reasons, all she says is that if i haven't 'got it' by now, i never will and there is no point. i still don't know what 'it' is. i thought things were fine. she says she hasn't been happy for years!!! she said that all i have ever given her is a disabled child, and that she is starting to hate me. she says i must take pleasure in mentally torturing her, and that i only care about myself?!. i really, really genuinely do not know what she is talking about. it is a complete surprise to me. i do my fair share of housework and looking after the children.

 

i am so confused, and frightened to say too much as it starts her off again, and she does not allow me to speak.

 

with work problems, and now this, i am starting to wonder if maybe i AM the problem? i don't know how to react to or process this situation, and i know that she is perceiving this as uncaring, when that couldn't be further from the truth. she knows enough to be able to blame my genes for producing an autistic child, but she cannot make allowances for my nonplussed reaction to this situation. the sad thing is that i don't feel emotional in the sense of being angry or scared, i just feel surprised and confused at the moment. she is going to go away for a few days, and has told me that while she is gone, if i want to save our marriage (which she described as 'hanging by a thread'), i have to think about how i have made her life hell. i have begged her to give me some 'pointers' as to what she is referring to, but she refuses.

 

i REALLY didn't need this...sigh

 

do you think it is a good idea to tell work about this situation? it will be hard keeping my mind on my work now, i can tell you.

 

 

 

 

[bid]

Hi dharma <'>

 

Really sorry to hear things are so tough at home. I haven't got any advice, just a couple of tentative thoughts...

 

I know you have been taken by surprise by your wife's behaviour...she says she's been unhappy for years while you thought everything was fine One thing that I think can often happen when a family has a child with special needs, is that one or sometimes both parents can spend so many years struggling just to get through each day that they don't have the emotional energy to see or maybe understand what's happening in their relationship. Your wife may have been feeling unhappy for years, but didn't have the emotional reserves to organise her thoughts or approach the things she feels are problems.

 

It may be that now, for whatever reason, she feels able to face her unhappiness and want to do something about it. Of course, this has come as a complete surprise to you.

 

May I suggest that while your wife is away you contact Relate. They do have some counsellors who are trained to work with couples where one person has AS (you don't need a formal x or anything: explaining that you have an autistic child and that you have difficulties that you think may be due to AS should be fine). You could think about suggesting Relate counselling to your wife. At least she will hopefully see that you are trying to understand what has happened and take some constructive steps to finding a way forwards.

 

Another thought...I wonder whether your wife is also suffering from depression? This might explain her wanting to 'run away', and her inability/unwillingness to talk about things as well as what sounds like difficulites coming to terms with having an autistic child. Unfortunately the percentage of parents with special needs children who do suffer from serious depression is very high. As well as everything surrounding having a disabled child, your wife will also have been worrying about your job situation I'm sure.

 

Don't know whether any of that is helpful, and hope you can all find a way forwards...

 

Bid

Edited March 19, 2009 by bid

[Kathryn]

Sorry to hear this, Dharma. Sounds like good advice from Bid.

 

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to tell work everything. If the situation does affect your ability to do your job, you could say that you are dealing with a family crisis . Just my opinion.

 

 

K x

 

[Marion]

Hi Dharma, so sorry to hear about your wife, she maybe wants to see if you care enough to make the effort yourself to help the relationship (I'm sure you do but it might help to try to show her?)

I know there's a lady on here called Delyth who I think has set up a group for partners, Relate sounds like a great idea, it may be you could have couples counselling with someones who knows about ASD>There's a book "Aspergers in love" again dont know a lot and havent read it yet but might help, I think its different couples telling their stories.

Hope things improve <'>

[dharma]

Hi everyone

 

I felt that I had to come back and update this thread. A lot has happened since my last post in this thread but I will be brief:

 

My wife and I are still together

She was suffering from serious depression, and after many false starts, accepted her condition, found meds that work, and has stuck with it. Coupled with a greater awareness from me, things are soooo much better.

 

I got a formal dx in the end, via my daughters intensive intervention team.

 

Workwise, I did find a sideways move to a unit I had previously worked at and where I have been for nearly three years. It came at exactly the right time and has been a very forgiving job with a compassionate manager. Its been very healing for me.

 

I just want to thank everyone who posted on this thread, your comments helped me so much. I am now firmly on the other side of that awful period.

 

Thank you x

[oxgirl]

So lovely to get that positive update, dharma. Hope things continue to go well for you and your family.

 

~ Mel ~

[JeanneA]

Good to hear from you so pleased things are that much better now at home, long may it continue.

[trekster]

So pleased you got out of this mess well done on sticking with the job and avoiding giving up.

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/working-with/employment.aspx

 

present employers might not need this but just an idea, also welcome to the wonderful world that is your Autism.