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blackhalo

Jealous of my best friend

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I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place really.

 

I'm 25 years old with diagnosed AS and have struggled all my life to make friends. I was at uni but had to suspend my final year due to severe depression and anxiety as a result of my problems with being around other people. In 2 years on the course I think I only spoke to 3 people - I managed to avoid any group work, though with difficulty. One girl I got on with but I was too scared to ever go for a drink with her or anything through fear that she would invite others along and it would become too uncomfortable for me and I would be unable to function.

 

I have managed to make a few friends through running my music related website, which I guess is my obsession lol. However, they all live a long way from me, and only see them every couple of months when I'm in London for gigs, etc. In particular, I have made one very good friend - he knows about my social difficulties, etc. and is very understanding. However, lately I seem to have develloped some very jealous feelings towards him which I feel terrible about. He is not a very outgoing person, but has quite a few friends who he sees regularly and has quite an active social life, and being in the capital he goes to around 5 or 10 gigs a month, and writes for a professional magazine and because of where he lives makes loads of contacts.

 

I feel like a complete loser because I don't have a social life where I live at all, and feel very jealous when I realise that my friends have this social life that I'm not a very big part of. When my friend talks about seeing his friends and going out places I feel I am really missing out on things, and feel very bitter because I can't do any of it. It is just beyond me how he has made so many friends - i have thought of ways I could make friends - have considered joining a sports team or going to a fitness class or ameteur dramatics but then I think how everyone usually goes in pairs or groups or knows each other already and feel it would be too intimidating, or the pressure to get on with people would make it too difficult for me to talk to people, or that people would just see me as a desperate wierdo and would be no different to my experience of being at uni. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am taking my problems out on my best friend which I know is wrong and am scared of losing him as a friend as a result.

 

 

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If I understand correctly, you've developed depression and anxiety in your early 20s 'on top of' AS. As far as I know, depression and anxiety can be treated separately, and should be treated, if they make your life less enjoyable. A professional who knows about both (depression and anxiety) and AS should be able to inform you whether some medication might help you.

In my experience, building a friendship might take from 0,5 to 2 years, so don't get discouraged when it seems to take long.

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Hi

 

I think it's human nature to become jealous of others from time to time. It's not a good feeling, but it's something that everyone experiences. I think they key things are to try not to compare yourself to your friend ie he has an active social life. That's great and maybe suits him, but it's something that you find challenging. I think it's good to try things, etc, but I think the important thing is to set yourself targets which are achieveable for you. Don't set yourself up to fail ie don't force yourself to go out every day of the week mixing with others. There's no harm in feeling envious of aspects of your friends life. It could be that he's envious of you. Take one day at a time and set yourself small steps.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

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when you have AS ,depression anxiety everything becomes a negative mind game ,race ,competition,battle and fight you have try feel 'right','normal' 'perfect' all time comparing to the outside world craving searching hoping all time for everything to be fine i know how you personally feel as i'm just the same i can understand i have AS /anx and depression and i know feels like heat always on and because low self esteem everything just adds and build and complicates eachother like vicous circle you stuck in all time make so tired so sick of living that way and feeling so jealous of something you want to have but know can neve reach 'same level' in the eyes we see from that is and black and white thinking ..... so easy to fall into this trap! i think when you think about makes so frustrated angry at way mind thinks and behaves grrr.... you think let me out to breathe suffocating overhwhelming all bexomes too tiring too much to bear .... until want to run away or explode .... mentally draining

 

take care

XKLX

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thanks for the replies :)

 

shnoing - I have been getting treatment for depression and anxiety for around 2 years now. I am on medication (currently Mirtazapine) which does help to a point, but it's not a miracle cure as I'm sure you are aware. Tried CBT but it didn't work for me, I just found myself getting more angry and frustrated and I put up too many obstacles for it to be effective.

 

smiley - yes I know what you mean, I think. I get stuck in this situation of being stuck in the house all the time because I have nowhere to go and no friends to go out with. I find going out very challenging as I have so many problems and anxieties with mixing with people, being in crowds, talking to new people, etc. etc. but at the same time I want to do those things and to be able to have an active social life and a normal life, and I feel like there is loads that I am missing out on, but I don't even know where to begin as I find it so hard to talk to people I don't know, and keeping hold of friends is even harder. Then when I get so overwelmed by feelings of anger, hatred, jealousy, etc. I can't even think straight and struggle to make conversation at all.

 

At the moment the friends I have I only get to see every couple of months, and I get so out of practise talking to people and being around friends that I end up struggling even more and then start to think that I really can't do this and feel like a failure. It really is a vicious circle. I feel very "out of the loop" because of where I live, so when I see my friends they are all talking about things that have happened that don't really concern me and feel a bit like an outcast.

 

But I am naturally a fiercely competitive person as well, and always find it difficult to set targets that aren't competing against other (more able) people's standards - that's true of all areas of my life - for example, I can't stand seeing anyone at uni get a higher mark than me even if I know I am better than them in other areas. I see my friend going out all the time and instantly that is the standard I must reach and have to be going out every night too, or else in my own mind I am just a failure and a sad, pathetic loser with no life, which is how I feel at the moment. I have absolutely no idea how to make friends in my own area, as the only reason I have made my friends in London is because of the website I run and involvement in the music industry, which makes things difficult as people where I live don't share my interest and sometimes if I do start talking about it I come across as bragging, etc. or like "yeah, right, who the hell do you think you are?" I don't have any clue how to even strike up conversation with regular people and when I do it seems very strained and forced and can't keep it up for long and feel inferior and like they have more interesting people I am keeping them from.

 

At the moment my head is just a mess with all feelings of jealousy, anger, etc. I am angry at myself, I hate myself for being the way I am and I am angry at my situation. I can't think of any logical answer to it. I tried to talk to my partner about things but he got upset and thinks it is him that is making me unhappy, and told me I'd be better off without him...so I daren't mention it to him again :(

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i had CBT didn't work for me neither as was put straight in without a choice really by clinical pyschologist ( she assessed me for AS) and pyschtrist i found it thought processes behind the therapy for depression was too deep and meaningful for me to understand enough due to AS left me feeling angry frustrated just worse like failure .....

 

last anti depressant my pyschtrist put me on was mirtazapine ( was upped 45mg) was hard to tell if worked alot but like you did help 'abit' not much though as i think depression anxiety and A.S are so closely linked together that hard to treat all three which hard to accept as when you feel the way you do just want to push a button and make it stop feeling out of control as mess so desperate for everything to work out

 

i judge myself on rest of world and how it seems for AS eyes which hard to tell but really i think we put too much pressure on being 'normal' 'perfect' but A.S makes us feel that way in first place in our head when you really think feel and believe something hard to turn it around on your own when that's all you know to begin with ....

 

 

feels like you run out of options and like ina a maze with dead ends all time

 

you r boyyfriend probably feels responsible for you as sees you depressed angry unhappy and wants to help and support but doesn't know the best way how to what direction to turn to next for the best .....!!!

 

the logical reason behind hating way you are and angry at your personal situation is being depressed frustrated with AS and daily life together then put depression anxiety on top that alot to carry on your mind all time must drag you down and under

 

have thought about keeping a diary to help clear your head of thoughts,feelings and emotions each day or night? it something which helped me alot!? worth a go anyways got nothing to lose!

 

you being self conscious and paranoid about what people think of you in their heads but it not true as i do the same too part of having A.S we find hard read social situation and other people's body language /facial expressions so this leads to jumping to conclusions and getting worse and 'wrong' kind of impression of ourselves and result we read more into situation than there is and put negative spin on ourselves as we feel so 'abnormal' pathetic stupid low self-esteem /depression /anxiety doesn't help in these kind of situations

 

i sure if you asked them music mates what they think of you i'm sure be opposite to how you see yourself in social situation andf remember good you making an great effort and setting challenge when trying to mix with others as it hard opportunity to take up when face so many barriers with difficulties in your way preventing this from becoming easier!!!

 

'out of the loop' how you explain in in your words is feeling for social isolation and frustration which comes with AS and hard to overcome i know feel uneasy and uncomfortable the more you practice these skills less scary and frightening it will seem you just got to go step by step gently and this will build on your low self-esteem and help ease the anxiety and depression lurking around

 

maybe look into AS social group or support group for people your age in your area???

how about contacting the NAS for support and advise they can assess your individual needs and tell you what level of support is and set up targets and support plan and have some some support workers in place to get you out and about used to social situation break you in gently get out in society/community and maybe have some pyschology session working through AS,depression and anxiety so you can understand more clearly how it affects you and how to approach situations when they arise ???

 

take care

XKLX

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Blackhalo, I'm sorry that talking about this with your partner did not turn out well. You express yourself very well in writing, and I wonder if maybe you don't do so well when you are talking. Perhaps writing about the way you are feeling would be a better way to explain to your partner. You could also start with a few things you like about your partner and the ways he helps and supports you, as that might make him understand that this is not his fault.

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some NAS web links which may help with advice understanding more and general information on situations you personally finding hard or struggling with at the moment?!:

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=126 - Partners of peeps with an ASD!

 

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=344&a=2313 - befriending support

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=513 - befriending in different areas

 

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=1783

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=128&a=3346 - depression and anxiety

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp...427&a=19737 - anxiety explanation and suggestions /ideas etc

 

XKX

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Thanks. I sent my partner a link to the website, though don't think he has looked on it yet :( I don't express myself that well in person especially not when it comes to my feelings and stuff - every time he asks me why I love him my mind goes blank and can't think what to say, though I managed to write him a poem once about how I felt about him. When I filled in my DLA forms I asked him if he wanted to read what I had written because it might help him to understand my problems a bit better, but he gave up after about a page and just says I used too many big words :S

 

There are no support groups listed anywhere near where I live. I thought there used to be something in Leeds, as I was once referred to them by the Job Centre but think it was aimed more at unemployed AS looking to get back into work, but I couldn't go in the end as I had just started uni and was on afternoo that clashed with a lecture - no idea how to get in touch with them now.

 

Don't know what to do at the mo. every time I start to feel slightly OK something reminds me... it's like people say it could be worse, but all I can think about is all the people that have it better than me. I keep having thoughts about ending my life, but I don't think I can go through with it because I'm scared but I really don't know what to do.

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I signed up to the NAS's befriending service back in 2010 and got an e-befriender - in Australia.

More up-to-date pages from NAS website

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