I need to leave my husband how will my Aspie son cope

[vannie]

Hi,

 

Not sure if this is the right place to put this thread? Sorry it's long, but I need to get this off my chest.

 

I having difficulties in my marriage, my husband is a drunk. He is completely in denial. He works shifts so he doesn't drink every day. When he is not drunk he is a wonderful man, does lack emotional (suspected ASD by myself) support, but I can deal with that because I can understand this from going to the workshops for my son's support.

 

But when he is drunk he's vile, he calls me names then when I get upset he says I have no sense of humour. We had a weekend to ourselves just gone, twice a year occurance. I was really excited and even managed to not be too worried about my son who was at Scout camp.

 

Anyway it ended up with him drunk and abusive and I was left in London with no money on my own for about an hour until he decided to come find where I was. This also happened the last time we went out. He was very remorseful on Sunday and said he would never drink again, and he had convienantly had a blackout so he didn't remember what had happened the night before. I just called him and guess where he was, in the pub.

 

We do have money worries as I have given up full time work as my son wasn't coping with child minders, we tried relatives still didn't work. But he always finds the money for the Pub.

 

I'm at the end of my tether and I want out to sort out my feelings, but I'm so worried how it's going to affect my son with asperger's. He absolutely dotes on his dad, and I do really love him still.

 

How will he cope with the change of one of us not being there, and if I do realise I don't want to be with his dad how will he cope with a home change. My husband says I'm being selfish and not putting my son's feelings first.

 

Am I selfish?

 

What if I do leave I have no money, I get carer's allowance but that won't pay any bills, plus my name is on the mortgage so will not get any help with housing costs.

 

I don't know what to do, has anybody had any experience of any of this please advise me what to do.

 

[KezT]

I would recommend you go speak to your local CAB - they will be able to advise about your pesonal circumstances, as well as look into what benefits you would be entitled to.

 

Part of any divorce settlement would sort out both parties housing needs - it is not unusual for the working partner to move out, yet still have to pay the mortgage - at least until your son is 18.

 

Re how your son would cope - he would! Take the time to explain it as much as possible, give him reasons he can understand without laying any blame on either parent or on him, and explain that he will still see you both, just not together. You may have a hard time for a while, but he will get used to it after a while if you persevere.

 

IMO he will be better for having two stable parents in different places that unhappy/abusive parents living together

[Tally]

Sorry to hear this Vannie. My ex-husband was an alcoholic. It's very hard to cope with. I still loved him when I left him, and I think he felt the same, but I could not cope with the alcoholism. It was very difficult to leave because I worried how he would cope without me, but in the end I was just so unhappy in the relationship. Love is simply not enough to make a relationship work.

 

The CAB may be able to help you, but I would recommend speaking to a solicitor. Some solicitors will give you an initial consultation for free. Speaking to a solicitor does not have to mean starting anything, but they could give you advice on what the likely outcome would be if you do seek a divorce and how you can manage financially. When you come to financial settlement, the courts have to take into account each partner's financial situation. They have to do this even if the settlement was agreed out of court and neither party are contesting it. They will take into account that you are unable to work full time due to your son's needs.

 

Many people get divorced these days. Yes, it will be difficult for your son to come to terms with, but you have to weigh that up against the long term effects of growing up in a home with unhappy parents. If you leave your husband, you would not be denying your son a relationship with his father, as they will still be allowed to see each other. In fact, they will have special designated 1:1 time to spend together.

 

I think sometimes you have to be selfish. If you remain in an unhappy relationship where you are treated badly, how will that affect your mental health and parenting abilities?

[justine1]

Hi

I left my husband two years ago,he didnt drink,but was very possesive and emotionally abusive.I went to stay in a womens refuge,this was advised by the housing dept at the local council.I just made a meeting with someone to declare myself homeless,as I had three kids and a fourth on the way,I had nowhere else to go.

 

From my experience Sam is way better since I left his dad.In fact because his dad doesnt acknowledge his autism he doesnt let the boys know when he is coming and is generally unpredictable,this uncertainty causes Sam confusion.Sam was more "in his own world" and would self harm (banging his head,pinching himself,scratching himself) when I lived with their dad but he doesnt do this anymore. The changes of going from our home to a refuge was very hard on him though,and indeed my other boys,and at the time he was not allowed to have contact with the boys,so they did miss him.

 

Have you tried speaking to him about leaving,when he is sober? I tried for two years to speak to him,asked him to leave and nothing worked.Maybe if he can see its not working you can arrange visitation now.If you worried you can use a contact centre,if you contact childrens services they may have a suggestion.Text him date and time when he can see him and see what happens.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I don't have first-hand experience, but I guess one way of looking at it is to ask yourself what the long-term effect will be on your son if things continue. Either your husband has to change or separation is the answer for your son's sake as well as your own. I know that's very black and white and nothing is ever that easy. Certainly having watched what my sister went through with her husband, I do think where kids are involved that it's better than both parties are apart and happy than together and miserable. Certainly where my niece and nephew are concerned, I think it was hard for them intially to deal with, but much better for them (and my sister) in the long term. No one likes uncertainty whether on the spectrum or not and money worries can add to that. Good advice to speak to someone at CAB. Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[Kazzen161]

There are somethings you have to do regardless of how it will effect the children. Anyway, you don't want your son to grow up believing that that is the way that men should treat women. If you are stressed, that will affect your son.

 

Go to the CAB and get some advice. Then go and see a solicitor (you will then know what you need to tell him and what you need to ask, so will make best use of the time).

[vannie]

Thanks for all the advice and think your right will defo go CAB in the morning.

 

He has come home and tries to act if nothing is wrong like I'm the one to blame for all this.

 

I'm getting madder, I just want to scream and shake him. His tutting at me and making me think is it all me, am I a nagging old witch?

 

He is also in denial about our son's aspergers, can't bring himself to talk to anyone about it. I've gone through all the diagnosis and meetings alone.

 

So I suppose I won't miss his support because I've never really had any. The more I think about things the more reasons I have to leave.

[mygifts1306]

Chin up and all will work out. I think CBA is a good starting point.

 

kind regards

 

[JsMum]

Hi,

 

Not sure if this is the right place to put this thread? Sorry it's long, but I need to get this off my chest.

 

I having difficulties in my marriage, my husband is a drunk. He is completely in denial. He works shifts so he doesn't drink every day. When he is not drunk he is a wonderful man, does lack emotional (suspected ASD by myself) support, but I can deal with that because I can understand this from going to the workshops for my son's support.

 

you have to be careful what your saying there about he is not drunk he is wonderful, that is what a lot of women say when they have just been abused by them, even emotionally abused, do not make up excuses for his behaviour towards you especially when he has been drinking.

 

 

But when he is drunk he's vile, he calls me names then when I get upset he says I have no sense of humour. We had a weekend to ourselves just gone, twice a year occurance. I was really excited and even managed to not be too worried about my son who was at Scout camp.

 

You should not be treated like this, there is no excuses that he was drunk, it shouldnt happen at all, you deserve better than that, my own son can be threatening and abusive but he is my son with challenging behaviours, however if it where a adult treating me in a similair way I would have no quarms about leaving an abusive situation.

 

Anyway it ended up with him drunk and abusive and I was left in London with no money on my own for about an hour until he decided to come find where I was. This also happened the last time we went out. He was very remorseful on Sunday and said he would never drink again, and he had convienantly had a blackout so he didn't remember what had happened the night before. I just called him and guess where he was, in the pub.

 

It is probably his only way of trying to block out an issue that really at the end of the day needs dealing with, he will only stop drinking when he realises he is loosing everything and it is only him who can stop drinking, it maybe that you do have to walk away and let him behave this way as painful as it is to watch him slowly destroy his life, at the end of the day though he is an adult who makes those choices

 

We do have money worries as I have given up full time work as my son wasn't coping with child minders, we tried relatives still didn't work. But he always finds the money for the Pub

 

I am a single parent and had to give up volunteering work, it is very common for parents to have to give up work/commitments, you have not done anything wrong, once things are more settled and your son is more independant you will have oportunites again, so dont feel guilty for been their for your son.

 

I'm at the end of my tether and I want out to sort out my feelings, but I'm so worried how it's going to affect my son with asperger's. He absolutely dotes on his dad, and I do really love him still.

 

The problems dont lie with your Son and his Father, that is why it is going to be difficult for him to understand the seperation, the issues are between you and your husband, so it has to be seperate, he should still see his father and keep that relationship going, but if you feel that it is really the end or near towards the end then you have to do what is right for your life and leave. Your son will still have his relationship with his father, your not going to take that away from him.

 

How will he cope with the change of one of us not being there, and if I do realise I don't want to be with his dad how will he cope with a home change. My husband says I'm being selfish and not putting my son's feelings first

 

I can recommend Relate a very good counsilling service for children going throw parents who seperate/ing.

http://www.relate.org.uk/young-people-counselling/index.html they also have services for yourself and do some brilliant courses for moving on, I did one a while ago and it changed my life.

 

Am I selfish?

 

Absaloutly not you have a right to be treated with respect at all times and to make your own choices.

 

What if I do leave I have no money, I get carer's allowance but that won't pay any bills, plus my name is on the mortgage so will not get any help with housing costs.

 

I am a single parent and I am entitled to benefits, including Housing benefit, CAB which has already been advised will do their best to help you with the forms and applications.

 

 

I don't know what to do, has anybody had any experience of any of this please advise me what to do.

 

no one here is going to pressure you into anything you do not want to do, the ultimate decision has to be yours, and what you feel will make you feel happier in the long run and what will ensure a healthier upbringing for your son.

 

What ever you choose it is your right.

 

I wish you the very best and you sound like you have been very understanding towards your son and your husband.

 

JsMumx

Edited June 28, 2010 by JsMum

[JsMum]

He has come home and tries to act if nothing is wrong like I'm the one to blame for all this.

 

My own son can not take responsibility for his actions, he often blames me too, but at the end of the day I still put in place consequences for his actions, at times if it was my fault I have apologised, but when its the other way round he will not except he should be apologising too. it is very difficult to get them to understand thier own actions in a way that makes them understand they are responsible also.

 

I'm getting madder, I just want to scream and shake him.

 

It might be best that you just walk away from the situation and go for a walk or a long bath and look at some ways of calming down, otherwise you might blow a baskit!

 

His tutting at me and making me think is it all me, am I a nagging old witch?

Your husband is looking for a reaction and a way to make you apologise to him, and the way he is making you feel like a nagging whitch is so you dont reliterate that he is responisble too, he doesnt want to hear that, so makes you feel bad, and to shut you up!

 

 

He is also in denial about our son's aspergers, can't bring himself to talk to anyone about it. I've gone through all the diagnosis and meetings alone.

 

Your husband is reacting in similair ways many fathers/partners do, they dont want to come to terms there might be something wrong with their perfect baby, its a process of the griefing process, if you also suspect your husband has AS then he may be trying to block out the possible similarities that he has in his son and doesnt want to quite go there yet, he doesnt want to admit he may need to look at the possibility he may indeed have something too, if he achknowledges his sons AS, he may feel he is one step closer to his own difficultes, maybe some of those difficulties lie with his own childhood and if it was difficult he may be carrying a lot of unresolved memories.

 

So I suppose I won't miss his support because I've never really had any. The more I think about things the more reasons I have to leave.

 

you sound very angry and hurt, it must be very difficult to deal with this, but been angry and mad at him will just esculate the situation, what about writing him a letter, you dont have to give him it, its just a tool I use when I want to say something when they wont listen, I either burn it or stamp on it, but at least ive got out what I want to say without hurting that person more, just an idea and another tip for the anger, a good boxercise class and give it good thump, better that than a person.

 

JsMumx

Edited June 28, 2010 by JsMum

[JsMum]

 

 

found this on the relate website but just linking it as it is seperate website and looks really child friendly.

 

http://www.itsnotyourfault.org/

 

JsMumx

 

[vannie]

Thanks Jsmum,

 

I am feel a bit more focused this morning and will go forward and try to not blame myself.

 

I will ask my husband if he will go to marriage guidance with me and if he flatly refuses then I know he truly does not want a relationship with me anymore. I will still go to CAB today and find out my options.

 

[Sally44]

You could also see your GP and see if there is anywhere local that helps those that are drinking to reduce or stop drinking altogether.

If there is such a place you can give your husband the choice of doing something about his drinking or not. Whether you stay whilst he does that is up to you. But I would recommend you find out about your situation and what your options are before you have that discussion because you may want/need to walk out directly after it. But your husband has to recognise he has a problem, and until that happens he is not really motivated to do anything about it. Maybe you leaving might motivate him, maybe not, or maybe he would go into a downward spiral. But either way he is an adult and he has to take responsibility for his behaviour.

My father in law was an alcoholic and violent as well. His behaviour has been a major factor in how his children are now as adults. I cannot count the number of times we had the police round (this was whilst living with my husbands family, not in the UK). Like your husband he used to mess with their heads, so that at times my husband would say you had no idea what was right or wrong because what you thought was right he turned it round and made it wrong. It strips you of your confidence and judgement abilities.

When he is not drinking are things okay? Can he drink one or two drinks or does it have to be the whole bottle or disappearing on a bender. Does he drink alone, or is he in a circle of heavy drinkers.

You are not going mad.

No-one can say how your son will react to a separation. But it happens to other children. It isn't easy, but it can be the better option.

If there is any indication that he may get violent with you because you are going to leave, then protect yourself and your son to the extent of not even telling him you are leaving if you feel that is necessary. Don't put yourself or your child in danger.

With all behaviour there has to be rules and boundaries. If your husband is constantly over stepping what is acceptable to you then your options are either he stops, you accept it, or you leave.

[Tally]

My ex also blamed me for his alcoholism. You have to remember that if you were so awful, he could have left you.

[trekster]

Sorry to hear this Vannie. My ex-husband was an alcoholic. It's very hard to cope with. I still loved him when I left him, and I think he felt the same, but I could not cope with the alcoholism. It was very difficult to leave because I worried how he would cope without me, but in the end I was just so unhappy in the relationship. Love is simply not enough to make a relationship work.

 

i was very close to "pilot man" but he required a restraining order to stop hassling me. Being rung up 17 times in 1 day is just excessive. He even woke my gran up when he phoned asking "is she alright?", which part of "no leave me alone" this autistic couldn't understand i just don't get.

The CAB may be able to help you, but I would recommend speaking to a solicitor. Some solicitors will give you an initial consultation for free. Speaking to a solicitor does not have to mean starting anything, but they could give you advice on what the likely outcome would be if you do seek a divorce and how you can manage financially. When you come to financial settlement, the courts have to take into account each partner's financial situation. They have to do this even if the settlement was agreed out of court and neither party are contesting it. They will take into account that you are unable to work full time due to your son's needs.

 

Many people get divorced these days. Yes, it will be difficult for your son to come to terms with, but you have to weigh that up against the long term effects of growing up in a home with unhappy parents. If you leave your husband, you would not be denying your son a relationship with his father, as they will still be allowed to see each other. In fact, they will have special designated 1:1 time to spend together.

 

I think sometimes you have to be selfish. If you remain in an unhappy relationship where you are treated badly, how will that affect your mental health and parenting abilities?

 

i agree with Tally here, someone else has to help your hubby.

 

[justine1]

Thanks Jsmum,

 

I am feel a bit more focused this morning and will go forward and try to not blame myself.

 

I will ask my husband if he will go to marriage guidance with me and if he flatly refuses then I know he truly does not want a relationship with me anymore. I will still go to CAB today and find out my options.

This sounds like a good idea I always believe people should be given a chance to correct their behaviour.But the alcohol needs addressing to,maybe you can take a break from one another? So that he can sort himself and you can both still get the marriage guidance together.I think time apart can help you reflect as well and see what you want out of life.

 

Since I left my husband I have started putting my life together and have achieved more in the two years we been apart then in the 10 yrs we were together!

I also found some negative traits in myself which I am working on.I blamed him for things which I can now see were not always don to him but also outside influences,especially finances,of course this is not the sole reason I left but it has made me see sense and help me mature.I was just 17 when we moved in together so I dont think I was ready,even though I was and am very mature for my age.

 

I would give him a chance.Go see the GP they can inform you about AA meetings(or similar)in your area and the marriage guidance.Once you got the marrigae guidance appt right it down for him and tell him you would like to work things out. Then it is left for him.If it doesnt work then see what to do next. As I said I tried for 2 years to explain to my husband that we needed help in our marriage,I would organise quality time once a week in the evenings when kids where in bed and did other things to help but nothing worked and he blamed my family for our problems it was never him! At least my kids know I tried and still try to do what is right but I guess there is only so much one can do before reaching breaking point.

[mossgrove]

You have had some good advice here.

 

Services like AA or Marriage Guidance can only help in your situation if your husband has accepted that he is the one who has a problem and he needs to do something about it. Sadly there is nothing at all anyone can do to change an Alchoholic unless they have accepted at a fundamental level that things cannot continue as they are and that they need to change. You may need to separate at leastn for a while before he can get to that point.

 

Simon

Edited June 30, 2010 by mossgrove

[JsMum]

You have had some good advice here.

 

Services like AA or Marriage Guidance can only help in your situation if your husband has accepted that he is the one who has a problem and he needs to do something about it. Sadly there is nothing at all anyone can do to change an Alchoholic unless they have accepted at a fundamental level that things cannot continue as they are and that they need to change. You may need to separate at leastn for a while before he can get to that point.

 

Simon

 

 

I really like your reply because it comes from a prospective of a man, I agree simon that it may be best if there was a tempary seperation while the husband comes to terms his curcumstances, plus the process of councilling and AA is going to be tough and been together he may take out his anger on his partner, so agree a short seperation could be good because it will give him space to get well again.

 

JsMumx

 

[Tally]

It might be worth you looking into Al-Anon, who are for the family of alcoholics. I never went, but I know my in-laws found it really helpful.