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pola y dobie

Aspergers & Relationships

36 posts in this topic

:wub:

Pola write : In Love with You and Aspergers :wub:

 

I have never previously before been in a personal relationship with an Aspie! I met my permanent partner Dobie through one of those many 'social-network' sites. We would talk for hours, sending hugs, pictures etc. Then one day we decided to meet. We 'knew' we were meant for one another, as they say love knows no boundaries....Dobie informed me had Aspergers, although my job takes me into a variety of nursing work. I really wasn't that specialised in this syndrome. (hence joining here, eager and hoping to learn more).

Through our relationship, I have noticed more about Dobie, the way he interacts or doesnt!! :P One thing for sure I know is that he loves me and I love him. ;) Having Aspergers doesn't stop you from being in love and shouldn't stop you from having a relationship!! Having since read various negative articles on relationships of people with Aspergers. I thought I would self-examine why such negativity exists!! Primarily, it appears that we each hold expectations on relationships and what we should expect from our partners!! ( mine is simply a cup of tea ready for when I get back home from working night-shifts) You could say that about any relationship. Reciprication: giving one thing to another in return for something else. But what happens when the giver is soley giving and not receiving anything back!! It's what we expect to receive back that appears to be the issue, especially with Aspergers Relationships.

The endless articles I have read, have highlighted that they expected more love, more romance, more of everything from their AS partner? The only thing I ever expect from Dobie is a great big Hug at least once day ( but usually end up having more than a dozen). To me it appears, that certain people are unaware of their AS partner's ability to recipricate those feelings back. Like any partnership, we both take on a voyage of discovery, taking the time to know each other, our likes and dislikes. There are times when I just want to sit on the other sofa by myself, without two heavy dogs and Dobie!! And then there are times when I just want to cuddle up and watch a film.

Everyone is unique, and AS partners are no different than any other partner!! In understanding your partners needs and wants, you examine your own needs and wants and how you both can combine these. Maybe ( as in my own case), I had to do more partnership homework and read up on AS relationships.

Dobie always remarks " love conquers everything", and with a little understanding, a pinch of patience and a great deal of time reading!! Love does conquer everything.

I have enclosed some excellent reading and support to those in AS Relationships. They have helped Dobie and me develop and continue our fantastic partnership. I hope, given time, they will help you aswell.

Many thanks for reading this article :D

 

Suggested Reading : ' Aspergers In Love : Couple relationships and family affairs' by Maxine Aston

'Alone Together: Making an asperger marriage work' by Katrin Bentley

'The Aspergers Couples Workbook' by MAxine Aston.

& finally books written by Sarah Henrickx.

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Welcome to the forum :)

 

How lovely to read a positive post about being in a relationship with someone with AS!

 

I have AS, and have been with my NT husband for nearly 20 years, married for 17. We have 4 children.

 

As the person with AS it does depress me when I read many articles, etc, about how awful it is being in a relationship with someone with AS...often it feels as though we are viewed as almost non-human! I also find it frustrating that all the onus and criticism is levelled at the person with AS...maybe, just maybe if anyone bothered to ask the person with AS they might find they have something to say about their NT partner!! ;)

 

Bid :)

Edited by bid

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>:D<<'> Thank you for welcoming us to the forum. We are glad you enjoyed reading our posting. There are too many articles, especially on the web, that slate and put down AS relationships!! Even in the relationship suggested material resources which we referred, there still is a negativity. I especially love the Cassandra syndrome for NT's. Believe me I have had a previous relation NT + NT and I could have had a Cassandra Global award from it!! My relationship with Dobie is perfect, he certainly knows how to show love and affection, he is at times aware of when im sad, unhappy etc. as I am with him. I sometimes feel it should me with with AS label as dobie keeps pointing out to me!!

 

Hopefully there will come a time ( especially a book for AS which gives the highs and lows of living with NT ), when people will just accept relationships as equal. All relationships have problems ( ours is no different from others ), but what matters most IS taking the time to examine your partner's needs and wants no matter who or what they have!! Simples really!!! :thumbs:

Dobie y Pola

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I have AS, and have been with my NT husband for nearly 20 years, married for 17.

What's your secret?

Aeolienne, 36 and never had a relationship

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So much for relationships being no big deal!

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I'm not sure what you mean...

It's something that people have said to me on more than one occasion, presumably to make me feel better about my freaky status.

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Being single isn't freaky. It has some distinct advantages!

 

On a more serious note - what is it that you are looking for? If you can try to work out what you want, that might make it easier to figure out where to start looking. I'm not expert, but I can try to help if you want to PM me...

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What a positive posting - thankyou! I went into a website recently which advertises the services of a 'Relationship Councellor' specialising in the field of NT/AS relationships and it was depressing reading. As you say, the bias was completely on the NT (normally a woman) receiving help to overcome the terrble predicament of being in a relationship with an AS partner. She was described as a 'rose in the desert' (pass me the sick bucket please!) and someone with AS was described as 'one of those people'. I found it very disheartening to think that these 'professionals' are allowed to peddle such discrimination under the umbrella of 'help' without being challenged.

 

My little boy, diagnosed with High-functioning ASD is 3 and a half and he is loving and demonstrative and loves getting hugs and attention. He also has his bad behaviour too :whistle: As he grows up, I would imagine he will continue to have good and bad elements in his personality and make-up that will both draw some people to him or turn some people off him as with any other human being. I would also hope that when he grows up there will be far less bigoted nonsense out there, advocating 'support and advice' but instead there will be real-life experiences of people 'living the life', giving a posiive example and hope to others. :pray:

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What are the advantages in never having had a relationship in my entire life?

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What are the advantages in never having had a relationship in my entire life?

Learning to cope with your own company, knowing how to be comfortable when alone, self-sufficiency etc assuming you can of course (these are things a lot of non asd people have told me has been hard to learn)

 

If you really want a relationship then dealing with the issues that have prevented you having one might help - if you can figure out what those are and how to address them.

 

It isn't necessarily weird to be your age and not had a relationship - its just what society tells you is weird. You have to decide if you have a problem with it yourself - then decide what your gonna do about it

 

Best

 

Darkshine

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I agree with everything Darkshine has said.

The other question you need to ask yourself is - why do you want a relationship? What do you hope to gain from one? Everyone is looking for something different.

 

Are you looking for a physical relationship or just company? Are you looking for someone who has a shared hobby or interest - that could be a good way to meet someone? Or are you looking for someone who snores, farts, leaves his dirty dishes and clothes lying around the house and hogs the tv remote - in which case my husband is free to a good home ;)

 

On a more serious note, you do lose a lot of your independence in a relationship. S worked away for 2 years when the kids were babies, and it has been a real shock to the system to have him back (even though it has been over a year). Of course it is lovely to have someone to share things with but at the same time, I really need my own space to do my own thing.

 

Make sure it's something you want because /you/ want it, not because you feel you should if that makes sense... Be clear on your expectations both to yourself, and to your partner when you find one ((hugs))

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If you really want a relationship then dealing with the issues that have prevented you having one might help - if you can figure out what those are and how to address them.

What issues? I can only speculate. The main "explanation" I've received for my plight is that I'm "too intelligent" which baffles me because I've known of any number of women who are far more academically gifted than me who still manage to attract men. A former line manager got married shortly after getting me dismissed from my last job but one (not that I'm implying any connection), having had two previous relationships during the five years she had worked in that organisation. She has a PhD, an extensive publication record and is one of very few female managers in that department. I on the other hand spent 8 years on the bottom rung and got dismissed with a damning report about how I was totally lacking in analytical skills, needed too much guidance, lacked the necessary initiative to be a researcher etc etc.

 

The only other explanation I've received is that it's the Asperger's, which in turn begs the question as to why other Asperger women aren't affected to the same extent. More specifically, that I can't read the non-verbal signals that indicate someone is interested in me and/or I don't give off the right non-verbal signals in return. Then there's the wider issue of not having many close friends, certainly none who've attempted to pair me off with anyone. I've always found all-female company uncomfortable, not just because of not being able to contribute to conversations about boyfriends, but also I suspect from having been caught between my peers at a single-sex school on one hand and annoying female relatives on the other, and feeling unable to confide in any of them. I had one great-aunt of whom it was said that she liked to wind up her younger relatives by asking them if they'd ever been to bed with anyone, and assume that a refusal to answer me they had (if female) or hadn't (if male). Although I never received this treatment myself, presumably because by the time I was 16 or so my aunt had become sufficiently vague about how old I was, it enraged me to think my aunt had done it to the members of my mother's generation. Although my mum said she'd never do such a thing herself, the fact that she told me about it suggested that she thought her aunt's behaviour was funny - and hence acceptable.

 

Another thing which may or may not be relevant is that I have never gone in for instant attraction - the eyes meeting across a crowded room scenario (or its internet chat room equivalent) is so not me. When I have fancied people in the past it took weeks or even months to feel the spark. Is the idea of online dating that you force yourself to go out with people that you are not attracted to, on the offchance that it might, just might, eventually click?

 

It's enough to make me wish I were an overweight brunette, because I've heard tell of women who found their first ever partner as a result of an image revamp, which almost always involved losing weight and dying their hair blond. Unfortunately my BMI lies in the "ideal" range and I've been a Scandinavian-style blonde since the day I was born.

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I'm not into the idea of internet dating myself - although I can understand the appeal and from experience (myself and from other's) it is possible to click with someone using the web - as long as your in the right places looking...

 

When I said issues - and of course your reply contains examples of issues - I meant issues like perhaps going out, being awkward in other's company, struggling to connect, fear of the unknown or closeness, or letting someone in, or being really picky (which I've been guilty of ;) ) etc.

 

Like your example of the all girls school - not the best place to find boys in your teens - and I guess if you don't mix with mixed company that would reduce your chances too... so partly circumstance can explain some things.

 

There's lots of reasons that may have hindered you (these could be personal reasons or social ones) and it's not always easy to take that step back and see why this hasn't happened - I appreciate your example about a make-over by the way but I'm a firm believer that looks aren't all that matters - its partly to do with what you want and how you are as well.

 

I think the lightning strikes across rooms thing does happen to people but not everyone - and what you want makes a big difference - say you wanted lifelong commitment, marriage and kids - well that's totally different to just wanting someone to be there, or someone just for sex.... and consequently different approaches would be required accordingly...

 

Best

 

Darkshine

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I have been with The Dude for 3 years this September, and we were friends for 15 years before that - which I think has went some way to helping him understand and accept me. I feel incredibly lucky because I know that it can be a hit and miss when someone in the relationship is on the spectrum! I had a few failed relationships before him, so I know what I am talking about!

 

I think the key to a successful relationship is being realistic about what you want, and not assuming the other person is psychic!

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Like your example of the all girls school - not the best place to find boys in your teens - and I guess if you don't mix with mixed company that would reduce your chances too... so partly circumstance can explain some things.

Didn't stop most of my contemporaries from pairing off. In any case I happened to study two very male-dominated subjects at university (maths and philosophy).

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I think in general it is harder to form a relationship when you are hung up about things, either work situation or feeling like a nobody or the anxiety of being single. You may find a partner who feels sorry for you, but I don't think that's the right basis for a relationship.

 

The problem is that your partner really doesn't want to be your therapist. They don't want to go out with you only for you to pour your problems upon them - instead people want a nice relaxing day or evening out to enjoy themselves and forget about their issues. Ok, in the long run it will develop into a caring relationship and you take the lot, but it isn't like that at first.

 

My own personal situation is that I have been married for 10 years. But I am now 46 which means I didn't get married until 36, the same age Aeolienne is now. I met my wife 5 days before my 35th birthday. Before then I had some relationships, although not very good ones, and aside from the first one, they generally didn't last very long.

Partly this is because I am a bit dominant, a bit controlling. This can be attractive at first but later on partners have resented me setting "rules".

 

My current relationship is not particularly perfect either. Not sure we would be together now if we didn't have so much history and a child together.

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I have never been in a relationship either. I would love to have had a boyfriend when I was younger and always thought it would be so good if you could just skip the bit of getting to know the person and go to the stage where you knew them really well and felt relaxed in their company.

 

I always found the physical aspects of the person was what attracted me. I read that was quite a common Aspie thing. I was also attracted to men who seemed very 'in control' and able. It makes sense as people look for someone who will be like the other piece of the jigsaw. Quiet women often are attracted to quiet socially able men and outgoing women to quieter men. Possibly if I had been an outgoing personality, I would have been more attracted to quieter men and that could have worked. I find it natural to be confident when I am on my own, but not when I am having to support another person.

 

The fact that I was never in a relationship affected my self esteem, as work colleagues treat you differently. Although it's easy to say 'not to let other people's opinions bother you', other people's opinions do matter in the real world. I figure I wouldn't have been bullied in my work nearly as much if I had been in a relationship. I was mainly bullied by men and if they thought I had a boyfriend living with me, I doubt they would have treated me that way. The fact I was not in a relationship affected my self esteem for years, but strange - it no longer does. I really enjoy living on my own. A lot of girls I know who were in relationships no longer are and I've got to know other women who never got married or lived with anyone. NT women as well as Aspies. I think there are many more girls who choose this way of life nowadays and don't give a toss if others talk about them. The more people who live on their own and don't want to be in relationships, the better I think as then it becomes more accepted.

Edited by highlandcow

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I think in general it is harder to form a relationship when you are hung up about things, either work situation or feeling like a nobody or the anxiety of being single.

Only time will tell.

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/27265-dating-sites/#entry325806

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relationships are notoriously over rated.

 

i love you,

 

i love you too.

 

i love you,

 

i love you too, blahhhhh! only so many times you can say that before your craving your own company again.

 

give me a private room and my right hand anyday.

 

(btw im in the hangover stages of a break up in case you couldnt tell)

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autism isnt a learning disability, it is a developmental disability. people also like to call it a neurological disorder.

 

I have an associated learning disability with autism and also have dyspraxia

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...There are too many articles, especially on the web, that slate and put down AS relationships!! Even in the relationship suggested material resources which we referred, there still is a negativity....

What do you mean by negativity? Negativity about what?!? Two people who love one another very much being in a relationship??

 

Asperger's is a communication barrier that effectively separates us from others leaving us feeling isolated and alone - or rather that's how I've largely been affected by it. But for that barrier to be overcome and for love to be the outcome how is that a bad thing? In my opinion that is a truly beautiful thing and one which we should all aspire to!

:party:

Edited by Mike_GX101

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Hi I'm Gemma

I want a relationship but sick big time with talking to guys and not making myself look like an idiot in the process. So does anyone know any safe and free dating websites? I would prefer an AS website but to be honest I don't think I can have the luxury of being too picky

Any info is much appreciated :)

Thanks

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You have to have the luxury of being picky because otherwise you lack self respect and that would potentially attract the wrong kind of person.

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I meant it regard to whether they were AS/ASD or not. I know after recent experiences that I have to be picky :)

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I split up with my first ever partner in April, two months after turning 40. :(

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I split up with my first ever partner in April, two months after turning 40. :(

I am so sorry to hear that, how are you coping at the moment.

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I don't know how you measure coping. I have to cope with the added feelings of failure at being unemployed, living with my parents and being unable to drive.

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That's a good statement how do you manage coping that's something I've never managed to define in any meaningful way.

Being unemployed is their fault society's fault because they won't let us work its that simple so we haven't failed in the meaning of the word because we are not given the opportunity to do any work because we are different.

It's discrimination the same as any other minority group. Nobody can fail because of how your born that's not our fault so how much can be classed as failure I am not sure how to measure that either.

I try to think this way if you won the lottery could you live on your own getting what you needed when you need it.

That includes any help with cooking etc so if you could then it's only the lack of money that's stopping us so that's no different to anybody else poverty is the real restriction not ability because things can be adapted with funding.

With the government taking what little we have who is really to blame who is at fault us for being born or society not excepting us and taking our money so we can't be independent it's hard to define but in general I think it's what's put upon us rather than personal abilities.

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You say your unable to drive have you ever taken any lessons?

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You say you're unable to drive have you ever taken any lessons?

It's a long story - see earlier thread.

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Bizarrely, I've scored 12 out of 12 in The Undateables's quiz, which apparently makes me a "Relationship Expert". :wacko:

 

 

 

You are both realistic and perceptive and have a high chance of finding love and maintaining successful relationships. In fact, you should be giving relationship advice to others!

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Bizarrely, I've scored 12 out of 12 in The Undateables's quiz, which apparently makes me a "Relationship Expert". :wacko:

 

I got 11, but it must be logic based on years of observing and reading about other people, as none of it has ever worked for me!

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