Help!

[kirky]

H has been having a problem with bullying at school for a long time. Many meetings have taken place about it, with very little result. Today he came home very upset/angry because he has been given an hour after school detention. This boy told the teacher that H had been calling him names, when in fact this boy had been continuously tormenting him all day. Even when doing cross country! The teacher did not allow him to respond, just put up her hand and said 'no discussion'. At this point H told her he wasn't ever coming back to this stupid school and stomped out. At home he has said if I make him go back he'll kill himself. I know he's unlikely to follow through on this threat, but it's awful to hear.

So, what to do. My hubby wants me to go in with H in the morning and demand to see his teacher. I'm wondering if it might be better to keep him home for the rest of the week, let him calm down and also to show the school how much this is effecting him. What do you think?

[baddad]

I think you should ask the adults concerned for their perspectives on what happened rather than just accepting your son's very subjective (and possibly very manipulative) account as 'fact'. As for threats that he will kill himself if you force him to go back, rather than acknowledging that he's 'unlikely to follow through' I think you should tell him to grow up (based on the assumption that if he is old enough / sensible enough for you to even consider taking his accounts of events in school at face value without even bothering to ask a responsible adult who was on the scene about it he is certainly old enough/sensible enough to be taken to task over making hysterical threats and demands like that).

 

No, you shouldn't give him the rest of the week as a holiday, and you shouldn't be rewarding him for stomping out of the classroom. If he had been calling the boy names then regardless of whether provoked or not the 'two wrongs don't make a right' rule should be applied, and you should be supporting the teacher in seeing that he fulfils the detention. I suspect that might not be what you were hoping for when you asked 'what do you think', but hope you'll find it helpful anyway

 

L&P

 

BD

[justine1]

Hi

 

Definatley don't think it would be a good idea keeping him at home, it may give him the wrong message for two reasons one that he can storm out of class and tell a teacher he won't come back and then actually get his way and secondly everytime someone upsets him he only needs to say he will kill himself to get out of going to school instead of facing the problem head on.

 

It would be a good idea to speak to the teachers,make note in a diary of what you son has told you and compare it o what the school tell you and just keep record of it. Three of my boys have been bullied at some point over the years, my eldest son (NT) has had it the worst. One incident lasted about 5 months and the school sided with the bullies I had to remove him and his brother from the school as I could see nothing would change and he was very unhappy.

I have always balanced things,children can over react or over exaggerate especially if they think it may get them what they want and children(especially boys IMO) say things in banter not realising they causing offense.

 

It is only when it happens often and the language used does cause offense and is hurtful to the person then it becomes an issue.

I would also sit down with your son and speak to him about not responding when the other children say things to him, not only because its giving them what they want but also becausehe may be caught and they get away with it.

[KezT]

Definitely don't just keep him at home - it sends the wrong message to him, sets you up for problems in the future, and really annoys the scool. You need the school to be on-side and to see you are supporting them and they are supporting you. Where the parent/school relationship breaks down it is bad for everyone!

 

I would suggest taking him in the morning and saying that he was really upset - but remember it is quite likely you will not be able to see his teacher without an appointment - teachers are busy people You don't say how old H is - are you talking primary or secondary school? It makes a big difference in the way they handle things. Also is he dx'd/Statemented etc? If problems have been obvious for a while, do you have a named person to liaise with?

[Kathryn]

Oh dear, Kirky, this is a tough one. I know you've previouisly posted a bit about bullying and your son being stressed. You're obviously worried about him and frustrated with the school. Obviously the bullying has to be tackled, but I think in terms of dealing with it, it's important to separate the bullying issue from today's incident, even if you think there is some link.

 

So, what to do. My hubby wants me to go in with H in the morning and demand to see his teacher. I'm wondering if it might be better to keep him home for the rest of the week, let him calm down and also to show the school how much this is effecting him. What do you think?

 

It's important to speak to the teacher but I don't think it's a good idea to go in all guns blazing tomorrow, assuming the teacher is at fault before, as others have said, you've had a chance to get the other side of the story and consider it calmly. You risk losing the school's goodwill and cooperation, which you need at the moment, and if you are seen as aggressive and threatening, you could even be banned from the premises - the last thing you need.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to keep your son at home for the week. This is sending him the message that you have no regard for the school rules and that it's OK to blow his lid, be rude to a teacher and disrupt a lesson when something happens which he does not like. You are setting him up for a repeat performance. Also consider the possible consequence of missing the detention: the school may simply require him to do it on his return, and impose a fixed term exclusion if he doesn't, whih is more serious. Many schools take this line if a detention is deliberately missed so it only digs a bigger hole for the child and results in a stand off which benefits no one.

 

Even if you're feeling really angry right now, the best way forward is the diplomatic route, as others have suggested. Follow the complaints procedure if you really feel the school are refusing to address the bullying, but first do what you can to discuss it with them. Even if you did this before, this latest incident will give you a chance to restate your concerns and say that whilst you don't condone your son's behaviour, it appears to be a response to ongoing provocation and you would appreciate it if the school could look into this and tell you what measures they are going to take to stop it happening. You will be on stronger ground to request this if you show that you are willing to cooperate with the school in reinforcing the school rules.

 

Hope that helps a bit,

 

K x

[Sally44]

I would also suggest that you contact the Parent Partnership and talk to them about it and ask them what they suggest.

 

I think a meeting in school with the SENCO and class teacher and someone from the parent partnership to discuss the bullying issue specifically and also this particular incident so that everyone can discuss and agree what is going to happen next.

 

Ask the PP to attend and to take notes of the meeting and after the meeting send in a letter detailing what was discussed and agreed.

 

I've had a number of instances with previous schools that have really pushed me to the limit eg. finding my son behind a bush crying at hometime after we had all had to search for him because no-one knew where he was! Times he injured himself and staff did not even notice. Telling him off because he was "being silly" by repeating words/sentences over and over [thats autistic echolalia!].

 

I always found it sensible to wait 24 hours after the event before phoning school. Or writing a letter and leaving it 24 hours to read it over again the next day. You really need to try to stay as calm and matter of fact as possible.

 

As already stated you need to know what the school's policy is on bullying and what they are going to do about it. You could ask them if they have contacted the autism outreach teacher for any input or even the speech therapist, because you could argue that your son needs to be taught how to communicate to an adult what is happening

 

A good way of monitoring if things are being done is to have it included on an IEP as a target. So, an example might be, the SALT does some work with him about communicating emotions and about how to ask for help by giving a card with the word 'help' on it. This would be practised in 1:1 sessions, then in the classroom and then moved out onto the playground. Your child would then be monitored and observed for a set period of time during breaktimes/dinnertimes to see if he was able to use that card. However the difficulty with a mainstream primary is that the people on the playground are dinnerladies. The school would need to identify one of them that was going to be responsible for this, and also give them instructions on what they must do if he uses this help card ie. he must not be fobbed off. He must be listened to and appropriate action taken depending on what he is asking help about.

 

The above is just an example, but 'emotions' and 'communicating' are areas usually affected by an ASD and he may really struggle to do this.

 

My son has, in the past, been subject to bullying, and I have to say that on the whole it was dealt with swiftly and efficiently by the school. Any school that denies bullying is taking place is in denial. If your son gets to a stage where he is refusing school due to anxiety about bullying that is something different to keeping him at home. If that happens you must go to your GP and explain what is happening in school and ask for him to be referred to Clinical Psychology or CAHMS services that have experience in working with children with an ASD. You need this for their help, support and advice to school and also as 'evidence' that you may need to use for the Statementing process or the placement.

[Sally44]

I was just wondering what you should do IF the school do not follow their bullying policy? I presume the next step would be a letter to the governors??

[justine1]

I was just wondering what you should do IF the school do not follow their bullying policy? I presume the next step would be a letter to the governors??

Yes that is the usual procedure. With my son's bullying I went to make a complaint straight to the LEA. This was because I felt the governors were likely to be parents,former pupils/teachers,therefore unlikely to see my point of view. My situation was different in that it was racism and I felt because its a village the whole school was racist.

 

I do think the OP situation would mean going to the governors first and taking it from there.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I think most of us are only too well aware of how issues at school can affects our kids behaviour at home. Seemingly trivial things can result in explosive meltdowns, volatile/emotional behaviour, etc. Last week my son told his LA that his dad hits him because he was cross with him for asking him to tidy his room. There's been lots of issues at school mostly fairly trivial, but not to him! He frequently threatens to run away (both from school and at home), and packed his suitcase/sleeping bag/tent on Saturday night. Although I wanted to say 'don't go', I knew that would add fuel to the fire and kiddo would be looking for me to react. I didn't and sat down to watch the X-Factor after telling kiddo that I'd leave the door unlocked should he change his mind and come back. He got as far as the hedge, and was extremely tearful when he came back in the front door!

 

The key really is to find out the facts. I'd make an appointment to speak with the teacher and find out his/her take on events. I've been in a situation where my son told me his teacher had pushed him, when in fact he'd walked out of class throwing open a door which swung back and pushed him backwards. He was either economical with the truth or genuinely perceived that as being his teacher pushed him. It's therefore really important to remain impartial. I think that you need the opportunity to represent your son (if the teacher didn't allow him his say) and advise how things affect him. Although it's very easy to think the worst when hearing kiddo's version of events, I've learnt very quickly to find out the facts. It's also important to be able to convey to your son in the cold light of day what has actually happened i.e. try and encourage them to see a different viewpoint (not easy granted!).

 

Lastly, I think you could be making a rod for your son back if you allow your son to stay off school. I've been asked to take my son home on a few occasions and have expressed my concern that unless he really does pose a health and safety issue to himself or others, then I'm not entirely comfortable in doing that since kiddo might think how nice it will be to go home and play on his x-box, watch tv, etc (trying to prevent him doing that would cause issues) – and that's the danger (he may protest about how bad school is because it's actually nicer/easier to stay at home).

 

Picking up on others posts about bullying policies, firstly, find out what their policy is (most schools will have a booklet). I've found that some schools prefer to avoid the word 'bullying', but it's worth finding out how they deal with it. Again, if this were happening and nothing was seemingly being done to combat it, it's best in the first instance to meet with the teacher and headteacher. If nothing happens thereafter, after telling them you're unhappy with the approach or inactivity and that you intend to take things further. That would usually get a result. Failing that, Board of Governors and a letter to the LEA. At all costs though, it's worth trying to work with them than against them (not suggesting you are), but try and remain calm and articulate and open to views/suggestions. Again, all very difficult to do when you've a stressed out son to deal with that paints a very negative picture.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline

Edited November 24, 2011 by cmuir