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Ichigo Kurosaki

‘faking’ and ’tricking’ your mind

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I have heard this said a lot and I have never quite understood it, or how to accomplish it, or whether I should. People say they have learnt how to trick their mind and fake things in order to suit social interaction. I cannot do that. I do not want to lie to myself. I also wish to find genuine friends. I don’t wish to fake my way through life. That sounds like every time I lie to myself by being someone I’m not causes an emotional spear to jab through my heart. I do not wish to inflict emotional pain on myself if that means I have to fit it and try to fake how I am and the way I act.

 

I have always wanted to find friends that can either understand or learn to understand and accept my difficulties and not become frightened by them. That is what I consider a true friend. In faking my mind and trying to push through by acting positively when I know it isn’t. That sounds wrong and it also sounds like it can cause emotional pain. How would that help me?

 

When I was younger I always searched school to try to find someone genuine. I have come across many bullies, but I do not want to lie to myself. School had stabbed me in the back many times, should I have willingly accepted those stabs to try to fit in. If I have to act fake in the ‘outside world’ and act positively when I know life is not. That would be a plain lie, wouldn’t it?

 

I don’t understand that analogy. To trick my mind, I do not understand this concept. I cannot lie and say that life is a bed of roses, when it isn’t. I have never been a positive thinker because I always want to see the truth. I do not want to lie. I hate lying, both to myself and others.

 

Is this the only way to find friends? It sounds wrong to me.

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to me, i use the mind 'trick' to distract myself when im feeling low, or if theres something troubling me. its a kind of meditation technique. i start challanging the bad thoughts and say to myself why? why think of these bad thoughts when there is so many wonderfull things i can think about? if its a real issue in your life, and its something that cant be delt with strait away, then you have to temporarily bury it. then trick the mind into thinking positively and in a forward and constructive way, by listening to motivating music, thinking about what you CAN do in life and what you cant, even something as simple as watching something you find really really funny, that has you in stiches everytime. or maybe think about a girl you like, nothing is more motivating than that trust me. its not lieing to yourself to help you become happier and more comftable in your own mind, you shouldnt have to suffer. you control your brain, your brain does not, and shouldnt control you. you really do, and as hard as it maybe, you really have to learn to turn your brain off. lay down in a comftble place, shut your eyes and immagine a light bulb shining really bright in your head, so bright its almost blinding you, (the bright light represents your thoughts and worrys) then you walk over to the switch on the wall, and turn that light off, and all you can see is darkness, and that represents all your thoughts and worrys being switched off in an instant. it does take some practice but it does work. and 1 of 2 things will happen when you master it, your either going to fall asleep, or be able to think in a really positive way because theres room for those thoughts now. i probably havent done this post justice with my explination, but hopefully you picked up the jist of it.

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A-S Warrior, I understand what you are saying. I have one little snag and that is I have more negative memories than positive, or to be more precise school felt so bad and the government sending out such anti-disabled laws.

 

I cannot ignore the news, it will affect me as much as the next disabled individual. School was so anti-me that I only just barely managed to find someone friendly to talk to in primary school. I only talked to that old primary school friend briefly for just the last year, and then she moved to a different school. I was once introduced to one friend in primary school in year 4, but in the end it was an utter failure due to my SPD and his father moving us to separate seats away from each other, on the opposite side of the class.

 

I haven’t experienced much positivity in life as I have mainly been alone. I am reaching out on this forum now in order to try to find friends.

What do you consider motivating music? Do you mean my Japanese music, or do you mean music with a positive meaning? If you mean music with a positive meaning then it does not work.

 

My brain never shuts off, it always analyses, tries to find a solution. I cannot control it. I tell it to stop, it does not. I get up every day as bad as I felt the last. My mind is so powerful, I am disconnected from it. It is strange, but at the same time I need to find the truths in life. If the truths are really bad, is shutting that off the best thing? I don’t know. All I know is that seeing what is coming can prepare me for when it hits. I don’t know, maybe it’s the smaller pain to avert a bigger pain for not knowing. I think being unaware and finding out later could be a lot more brutal, surely, no?

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dont watch the news, i dont. and you seem to be looking back at the past alot, why? the past is done and it was so long ago. start thinking about tomorrow. motivating music is any music that makes you happy. find that music and then start thinking about the futre. the past is gone, done, history. and the truth is no one is thinking about it besides you. with your brain so jammed as it is, im not suprised you cant find any positivity. you need to focus on your dreams, and making them become reality. your to young to be carrying around so much stress, your brain has alot of energy, start using that energy for positive things, not easy but it can be done. think about visiting japan or getting a dream job, you seem to worry about the nitty gritty, things of little substance, start thinking about future endevors. your a long time dead so dont leave it too late lol. im probably not helping but thats my 2 cents so to speak.

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I do not watch the news either, I check the internet on websites that tell of the injustices the government are causing and disabled people answering with comments that are from disabled people. If I am not aware of the news in general then I will get hit, and hit hard by their harsh laws. It will affect me if I am not careful. I cannot blind myself to what is going on out there.

 

You tell me to visit Japan. That is something I have thought a lot about. There is so much to explain about why I would find that difficult. My AS makes crowded places feel chaotic, I have never even travelled on a plane, I am vegetarian and my SPD would make eating seaweed feel like eating fish. You have no idea how impossible going to Japan would be to me. It is off the scales.

 

As for getting a dream job, there is a lot, and I mean a lot preventing me. I cannot cope with an interview; it would remind me of the interrogation I got from the P.E teacher that was also the head of year. I would find the whole experience extremely hostile, that it is unbelievable. Being surrounded by other people makes me feel like school and therefore I am unable to concentrate. I could be extremely vulnerable to the bullying from co-workers and boss. Working from home is also difficult, I cannot cope with many forms of communication, phone (hearing someone talk directly into my ear fills me with a lot of anxiety), email (as it can be complicated explaining if there is problem. If it takes too long to explain and get the problem resolved I would get drained afterwards), messenger (as I cannot explain things so quickly, I get flustered). Talking on here is slightly easier because I am not rushed and I can explain my points of view more fully.

 

The nitty gritty is so much bigger to me, the nitty gritty could make my life get much worse, if I am not careful. I am sorry but simply shutting off is not something I find easy at all. If the pain is too great, music doesn’t help.

 

Talking on this forum is the way I am trying to use that energy, it is redirecting my feelings through the computer and trying to find some way of making life feel better, in whatever way I can. I am sorry, I am very hard to convince, and that is because all throughout school and now I am trying to find those solutions. My mind picks holes in every piece of advice I get because it makes sure there is no way that it could fail. I have to be sure that it will work.

 

About the future. I have been alone for so long. I need to find genuine friends to help make me feel less alone. I always used to reflect on life at school because I was alone. I was never able to find solutions.

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you sound like you have so much potential. if you can get over crowds, then all you have to worry about is finding some food to eat that you like, and then you can jet off to japan. if think for someone like you, you need to just go right im going to do this, and just jump in. just like jumping into an ice cold swimming pool. sure its going to be a shock at first, but it soon warms up and becomes comfortable. as far as being on a plane, apart from the take off, its just like being on a train, or a bus. and i think its the same for everything else in your life. you just need to have the guts to jump into that ice cold swimming pool. it could be the difference between you landing an animating job in japan, or you stacking shelves in tesco. dont let any of your disabilitys sell you short.

Edited by A-S warrior

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Getting a job in another country sounds like taking a spaceship to the moon. I have always observed things like, those that are neurotypical or have a form of ASD that has less restrictions are either on the moon or getting close. I feel like I have no spaceship, the spaceships they are using are beyond my reach, and I am unable to get to them. I cannot get to the moon no matter what I do, I have no superpowers, and I am a mouse on the ground with no means to travel. My disabilities make life so much harder it is unbelievable.

 

I cannot switch off my difficulties, there is no way I can say “right my AS, SPD and OCD will not affect me in this part of life because I have made that choice”. There is no choice, I am stuck with it. Just jumping into an ice cold pool is more like jumping into a pool with spikes so sharp they would jut straight through me. Working in Tesco is like sticking those spikes even deeper.

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the tallest montains in the world, are the ones we build in our own minds. in 5 years or so, (maybe less) you,ll reach the sumit of these montains, and be the king of your world. i think you,ll read back on these boards in a few years and think, wow! look how far i came! i think you just have to belive in yourself more than anything else.

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I have heard this said a lot and I have never quite understood it, or how to accomplish it, or whether I should. People say they have learnt how to trick their mind and fake things in order to suit social interaction. I cannot do that. I do not want to lie to myself. I also wish to find genuine friends. I don’t wish to fake my way through life. That sounds like every time I lie to myself by being someone I’m not causes an emotional spear to jab through my heart. I do not wish to inflict emotional pain on myself if that means I have to fit it and try to fake how I am and the way I act.

 

I have always wanted to find friends that can either understand or learn to understand and accept my difficulties and not become frightened by them. That is what I consider a true friend. In faking my mind and trying to push through by acting positively when I know it isn’t. That sounds wrong and it also sounds like it can cause emotional pain. How would that help me?

 

When I was younger I always searched school to try to find someone genuine. I have come across many bullies, but I do not want to lie to myself. School had stabbed me in the back many times, should I have willingly accepted those stabs to try to fit in. If I have to act fake in the ‘outside world’ and act positively when I know life is not. That would be a plain lie, wouldn’t it?

 

I don’t understand that analogy. To trick my mind, I do not understand this concept. I cannot lie and say that life is a bed of roses, when it isn’t. I have never been a positive thinker because I always want to see the truth. I do not want to lie. I hate lying, both to myself and others.

 

Is this the only way to find friends? It sounds wrong to me.

 

Faking is the hardest topic - cuz it can have so many reasons - I fake things apparently by not making things clear to other people, my face can be like a mask so they don't know how I'm feeling and then they moan at me later on for not saying how I felt - and for just going along with things when I didn't enjoy it.

 

But that comes from a similar place as not saying certain things or people get upset (like telling someone they are ugly for example) so I tend to say very little as a result...

 

I found this very very difficult from a young age - I couldn't understand why everyone went around lying all the time!

 

As for tricking your mind - I don't see how that can be done - my mind is ever aware - tricking it would be as impossible as playing myself at chess - since I would always know what I was going to do next and why I could never trick myself (bad example maybe?).

 

Why would a person try to trick their mind?

 

PS - there's a lot of truth in AS Warrior's last post here!!

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darkshine, yes, I can’t understand it either. I have learnt not to be stupid enough to say that someone looks ugly, it is that to trick my mind into thinking brighter thoughts. I cannot do that, my mind has more bad memories than good ones, how would I focus on such few good memories, when my school life was only just behind me and carried a massive weight of bad ones.

 

 

Yes, I can see the sense in A-S Warrior’s words; it is just that, I need to be doing something now so that in the future I may say that. I cannot go through life thinking I may say that but not truly knowing if I may get to that stage. I think I need to be able to see some brighter solidity in my future. I think I need strategies in order to get to that stage. I cannot just say I will feel that way in the future. I need to know how to get to that stage.

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darkshine, yes, I can’t understand it either. I have learnt not to be stupid enough to say that someone looks ugly, it is that to trick my mind into thinking brighter thoughts. I cannot do that, my mind has more bad memories than good ones, how would I focus on such few good memories, when my school life was only just behind me and carried a massive weight of bad ones.

 

 

Yes, I can see the sense in A-S Warrior’s words; it is just that, I need to be doing something now so that in the future I may say that. I cannot go through life thinking I may say that but not truly knowing if I may get to that stage. I think I need to be able to see some brighter solidity in my future. I think I need strategies in order to get to that stage. I cannot just say I will feel that way in the future. I need to know how to get to that stage.

 

How old did you say you were? Did I remember right at 21?

 

It took me years to get over my childhood and teen years, my brain was so filled with bad events, bad memories, bad feelings from the people around me - both my family and at school. It was like I was beaten and scarred by the events that had happened and while everyone around me just forgot - I did not!!

 

So far your biggest part of experience in life is your childhood and adolescence and you know what? You are not wrong to be bothered about it.

 

What matters is what you do next. What has to happen is that you say "right, that was my childhood, it wasn't good, it wasn't even ok at times" and this is so important for one reason...

 

Your adult life is a new life - you still have all that is you, you have your memories, and during that time you didn't have so many choices as adults had the power - but now you are approaching the time where you have to decide how to live, what to do, where to go etc.

 

I don't mean you have to turn into an ogre to get your own back or anything, but the difference is that now you decide what path you walk and it may take you a long time to put down some of the burden you carry, and you might carry scars inside, but they heal as that is the way of life and as you drop things, and mend things and grow inside - you find that you shape yourself and become someone who is different.

 

I think that not only can you not trick your mind - I think that it is wrong to do so - it is dishonest to yourself and to others around you, but you can learn, you can mend, you can mature and you can become.

 

Why should you drop the negative memories if they are too fresh to drop?

 

What is far more important is to find a path where you can be honest to yourself - this doesn't mean hurting people as that would not make you feel good in the long run - but finding ways to mend yourself.

 

There are good people out there who can help you to build good memories - right now if you view good and bad on one of them old fashioned kitchen scales (like the scales of justice) right now you have so much bad that its weighted down on one side - your journey, your focus and your goal should be to start to shift that weight. Even my own scales are still weighted to bad stuff after all this time but I had nobody to help me learn you see? And my scale no longer sits on the floor like it did - it hovers above it occasionally touching ground, but it does lift now - and that isn't cuz I tricked my mind!!

 

A lot of what happened in my childhood and adolescence hurt me emotionally, mentally and physically. And the 2 hardest to fix were the emotional damage and the psychological damage. I am 31 years old and I still haven't shook off some effects but that isn't a fact to make you lose hope - its something to make you strive to learn to do it faster in your own life as there are a number of people in the world and on this forum who can help and guide you. It might feel like it takes forever but you know what? I listen to some of the people on here in their 40's and 50's and it gives me hope that if they figured some things out - then so can I - and so can you!!

 

One last point about "tricking your mind".... don't do it - your mind knows what you do and you cannot beat it that way - but what you can do is use the power of logic, reason, and realism to challenge some things your mind says, like a lawyer. So if I think "the world is bad" for example (nice easy example lol) then I have to admit that I have evidence to counter prove that statement - I still don't think well of the world, but I can not truthfully say it is all bad. I change it to "mostly bad" and then I challenge that... eventually by having these discussions with others and with yourself that is how the scales start to shift.

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darkshine, I will be 21 come June.

 

Exactly, I cannot forget the pains that school has caused me. In the thread ‘Chaotic mind’, it has been suggested that I put my thoughts, memories and feelings down on word documents, web cam videos, voice memos, etc. so that I can build them up. I will try to use them for a purpose. I am hoping through this document that I started may grow into something that could be useful. It may take time though, my memory isn’t perfect. If I can build up all of my thoughts and put them on paper, maybe I could use them for a purpose.

 

Hmm, the problem is that the trauma that my P.E teacher, that was also the head of year caused me, since then, I haven’t trusted authorities and shut my bedroom door from all authority figures. I have been learning from behind my bedroom door, with the help of two home tutors, for 5 and a half years successfully. Now there is this 139a document preventing me from getting further education. I cannot sign the document as there are so many inaccuracies with it; it keeps coming back incorrect, no matter how many times we ask the authorities to change it.

 

I am hoping that through talking on this forum I may find some friends, I have been alone for most of my school life. I am in the process of contacting an old primary school friend but her life is so different from my own. I hope to be able to make some friends on the spectrum that may have some similar experiences to me. It might be difficult, but I am always willing to try. I don’t have many options, when the internet is my main access to the outside world. I find meet up groups to carry an awful lot of anxiety. If I can make friends on this forum, then that might be able to tackle those bad memories, at least I hope so.

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A-S Warrior, I am sorry, :( , I just have a need to find strategies to help me cope through life. It isn’t easy when I have this high level of anxiety. Please, I mean no offense in any way; I just need to find a structure to work on. I need to start somewhere small. I cannot run a marathon, when I barely have the legs to stand. I am trying to plot my thoughts, feelings and memories down on paper so that I can find that structure. It may take time, but I will try my best. I am sorry, I cannot move with big thoughts when I have been taught behind my bedroom door for 5 and half years, after what the school system has done to me. I feel like my legs are broken and I cannot stand. I need to find the support to at least be able to limp again. I just need those strategies in order to achieve that goal.

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darkshine, I will be 21 come June.

 

Exactly, I cannot forget the pains that school has caused me. In the thread ‘Chaotic mind’, it has been suggested that I put my thoughts, memories and feelings down on word documents, web cam videos, voice memos, etc. so that I can build them up. I will try to use them for a purpose. I am hoping through this document that I started may grow into something that could be useful. It may take time though, my memory isn’t perfect. If I can build up all of my thoughts and put them on paper, maybe I could use them for a purpose.

 

Hmm, the problem is that the trauma that my P.E teacher, that was also the head of year caused me, since then, I haven’t trusted authorities and shut my bedroom door from all authority figures. I have been learning from behind my bedroom door, with the help of two home tutors, for 5 and a half years successfully. Now there is this 139a document preventing me from getting further education. I cannot sign the document as there are so many inaccuracies with it; it keeps coming back incorrect, no matter how many times we ask the authorities to change it.

 

I am hoping that through talking on this forum I may find some friends, I have been alone for most of my school life. I am in the process of contacting an old primary school friend but her life is so different from my own. I hope to be able to make some friends on the spectrum that may have some similar experiences to me. It might be difficult, but I am always willing to try. I don’t have many options, when the internet is my main access to the outside world. I find meet up groups to carry an awful lot of anxiety. If I can make friends on this forum, then that might be able to tackle those bad memories, at least I hope so.

 

I read your other posts :) it is a good idea to get stuff out of your mind and put it into another format, whether written, audio or visual or a combination of all 3. I have a storage tub that measures 6" x 18" x 36" and it is full to the top of my writings. In addition I have many documents on my pc and netbook with other writings. And I have video recordings too (this is a very recent thing and I only use video on very rare occasions). I also express myself using photography and by composing short pieces on a (music) keyboard.

 

The thing is that I have so much in my mind!!! It never seems to end and now I've got so much stuff that it is impossible to organise it. I was going to write a book but then that idea felt too conceited and egotistical for my liking - it's one thing being self absorbed because of trying to work something out - but to me I couldn't write a book cuz it seemed like I was full of myself or something.

 

The incident with the PE teacher sounds nasty - but there's something you should know... you shouldn't let some total d1ck rule your life - that person won't have given you much thought so you shouldn't think about that person. PE teachers are not a representation of people or of authority as a whole. Acknowledge that this person harmed you, broke your trust and confidence, but don't let them continue to do so - draw that line - prove that person is wrong - there are some really nice people in positions of authority - they aren't all ######.

 

I'm not trying to be preachy but I learned the hard way that letting people's actions rule your future is a waste of effort and time and the harm that should have been passing - actually becomes long lasting. You were a child at the time - you were innocent of all this stuff - but you have more than one foot into adulthood now - you have to make new rules.

 

And believe me - that can take time - I still haven't succeeded yet but then I didn't have anyone to tell me how it is so I only started when I was about 24 and my efforts have been intermittent due to various other problems I have - and only getting diagnosed a year or so ago and not understanding why I am like I am - I just thought I was a freak - not a helpful thought.....

 

So what is this document that means you can't get further education and why was it created?

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darkshine, I just wish I had started a diary a long time ago, and then I could have more detailed accounts of my past. There were many situations that I could have included but forgotten, :( . My mum has tons of paperwork all over her room as well. My auntie, Marilyn, always says why she doesn’t get rid of that rubbish. If the ‘rubbish’ can be put to a better use then why waste it? That is what got me thinking, with the advice on here, why not try using my memories of the past to a better purpose, I am struggling behind my bedroom door, and it is extremely difficult trying to cope in life.

 

Yes, I can understand what you mean, I feel the same, but then again, each person with ASD is different but may have similar experiences. I think there is not enough awareness in this country to help support those on the autistic spectrum, if there was then I wouldn’t have needed to be behind my bedroom door in the first place. I thought it was too big a task to write a book, but I think from my home tutor, Sonia, advising me about it, the advice I got on here, and since my mind is in such chaos. Why not make a use for that chaos, maybe in writing a book, my mind may ease a little, at least I hope so. Didn’t Luke Jackson write a book, did his mind settle in the process? I thought that as I am struggling so much from behind my bedroom door, maybe I could try piecing pieces together of that time, say how I got to that stage, the struggles I have gone through since then. Maybe it might be interesting to hear of someone with AS learning from behind their bedroom door, I need help desperately anyway. To try and reach out there for hope when all seems lost, I think I need to try something; I don’t want to just sit here waiting for a possibility of everything going wrong. Time is against me, everyone is advancing, I am stuck, and I want to break out of that cycle somehow. I don’t know if this would be a way. Maybe, if I reach out there maybe people might notice, and then I may feel less alone.

 

Yes, I know, but mum herself has been stabbed in the back many times by authorities, why should I trust the people that have stabbed her in the back, I got stabbed in the back enough at school. Having AS and experiencing bullies is not a nice experience but it has also taught me how vulnerable I am. I don’t want to hand myself on a plate to give those that may be corrupted in the authorities a chance to snatch me up and jab their fork into my back as well. How can I know who to trust and who not to trust? Someone could wear a caring face one minute and then change it to a demon’s mask the next.

 

Just because I am older it doesn’t mean that I don’t still have such a high level of anxiety. It was a challenge when I first met my old primary school friend face-to-face. I feel like I have no confidence how am I supposed to challenge the authorities.

 

It has been amazing, this bedroom door that I have hidden behind for so long, it has helped me feel confident enough to talk to people much more fluently. I am not as afraid to speak to someone new when the door is there then when it isn’t. The bedroom door is the best way I have found to help enable me to talk and focus at a level that is the best for learning with guidance from the tutors. I was only able to talk to that old primary school friend face-to-face a little better because I had seen her before and knew what she was like, and also because I explained my problems to her beforehand.

 

The 139a assessment document is sometimes also called a Moving Forward Plan. It is a document designed to state my needs in help with education, what my future aims are and what I would like to study. Something like a statement of educational needs but this is nowhere near as robust as a statement. These have got to be carried out by a special needs adviser working for Connexions. Unfortunately, it has been reported country wide that the qualities of these assessments are not very good. Because my situation was so complex from the start, meaning being behind the door for 5 and a half years, and home tutors coming to teach me from behind my bedroom door, and also the fact that I took exams down in my living room and my mum was allowed to be present. The connexions advisor that started this process off hardly knew me and he only came to two annual review meetings. At the first meeting, he stated to all present that he had no idea how to help me and that he couldn’t. By the second meeting, just as my statement was about to end, even though he knew that I wanted to continue with my studies (after all I had past several exams). His statement was to have a gap year. What I didn’t know at the time was that actually as my statement ended, he left. This document/assessment must be talked through with me and my mum. Lots of what came back in the draft copy was not true, we had not discussed it and not agreed to it. This has been going backwards and forwards for the past two years. My mum got a solicitor and wrote to her local MP but it has made no difference. In order to continue with the possibility of having any further education, we have to sign the document. I can’t sign anything that isn’t true, and besides we don’t even know now that the two tutors I had will come back. Even if they do, it will be for short courses only and the assessment has to be redone all over again, with yet again a new SENs connexions advisor that doesn’t know me.

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Writing a book could be a good idea, even if you started with a diary/journal/log as I did. I think you have possible title already "Behind My Bedroom Door" it sounds appropriate at least :)

 

The thing is that you should have been helped before now - by letting you have the door, they made the door become more powerful in its protection, and now over 5 years have passed it is harder for you to change - after all - the other tutors taught you through the door so why can't others? I think this thinking is not accurate (if I'm honest) and I think the older you get the harder it will be to get people to teach you through your door (unless you are very rich).

 

A more realistic option would be to consider distance learning so you could stay in your own home and study.

 

But the fact is - if you hide from the world - it only seems louder, faster, scarier, etc.

 

Do you think there's more behind your fear of authority (other than the PE teacher that helped it get so bad in the first place)?

 

You say you want to break the cycle - well the first thing is awareness - both of your self - and of others, do not be afraid of time just now, you have started something by asking these questions and it will lead you to somewhere in the end.

 

Thank you for explaining the 139a thing :)

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Someone that my mum has been in contact with also thought that “Behind My Bedroom Door” would be a good title if I wrote a book. It will take some time to go through all my memories, but I am more determined now than ever before after contacting this forum.

 

Yes, I can understand what you say, it makes sense. I feel like I have a huge wall of anxiety, breaking through it feels impossible. Yes, they should have helped me at day one (my mum tried to get them to help me by going to so many meeting but they just lied), but now that I am at this stage, I feel like I would be hurt if I moved. I think now that I am in the situation that I am in for these 5 years, then it may be dangerous trying to help me, in case they hurt me instead.

 

I think in another thread, I describe about a professional web designer that tried to resolve an issue with my web site for a web designing course. Long story short, it became confusing writing to him to solve the problem between the main course tutor and the web designer via emails (one could see the website whereas the other could not), it got very draining, so much so that my grades suffered in the end. This is an example why I would find online learning by myself difficult. Learning online is a solution that seems to mock me, it is there, it is available, but it can get confusing and draining all the same. This is the difficulty I face with distance learning.

 

Yes, but it has also taught me how cruel the world is as well. I have gained the perspective that some aspects of school life seem to reflect onto the rest of life. I cannot say that there are not bullies in life one way or the other. I believe that bullies from school do not grow out of it; they grow into a bigger form, either as work bullies or via criminals. There could be powerful and influential corrupted people out there that during school enjoyed picking on others as well. I cannot blind myself to reality, it is there, it can be cruel, and it can be vicious. Yes, my anxieties have increased exponentially in those 5 years, but no one has ever come to help me. When I say help, there is a difference between helping and pushing. Pushing does not help; pushing can be very harmful to someone on the autistic spectrum.

 

Well, there is the difficulty with the fact that, if I come out of my door to face the tutors, not only would it make me lose focus on learning, but also I feel like I am vulnerable. If I am out from behind my bedroom door the authorities could say “right, now you are out, you can go to college”, I cannot run a marathon when I am just starting to limp. I will break if pushed, I cannot be pushed, pushing only hurts me, of that I am certain.

 

Seeing how my peer group are advancing in comparison to myself will cut deep, and that is due to the effects of time. Time is a merciless thing, leaving you no time to catch your breath never mind make something of your life. I feel that I should have started talking on this forum a long time ago, :unsure: . Mum thinks that I am generally two years behind everything, so ideally, I should have started writing on this forum two years ago, but at least I am starting now.

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jb1964   

I am hoping that through talking on this forum I may find some friends, I have been alone for most of my school life. I am in the process of contacting an old primary school friend but her life is so different from my own. I hope to be able to make some friends on the spectrum that may have some similar experiences to me. It might be difficult, but I am always willing to try. I don’t have many options, when the internet is my main access to the outside world. I find meet up groups to carry an awful lot of anxiety. If I can make friends on this forum, then that might be able to tackle those bad memories, at least I hope so.

 

Hi - I notice from your interests they include anime and manga - my daughter doesn't come on this forum and until last year was petrified of 'talking' to anyone on the internet.

 

However, because of her love of drawing especially japanese art we managed to persuade her to look at DeviantArt website - that was one year ago and over the months she started to post her artwork and slowly started to interact especially those that were specific to her interests (she loves Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright games) - and has the past couple of months even used Skype. She also loves the MCM Expo's and cosplay and has even agreed to meet up with some people next week in London (fingers and toes crossed that she's well enough as she's not been very well).

 

At the moment she still struggles with everything from day to day but she finds it much easier to interact with people who have the same interests rather than 'small talk' conversation if you know what I mean.

 

Hoping things work out for you too,

Take care, x

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Hi jb1964, yes, I can understand why she would be petrified, I felt worried about writing on the forum in the beginning as well. Still am to some degree, but I am slowly trying to get used to it. To me, writing online is so much easier than talking face-to-face.

 

I have gone onto the DeviantArt website in the past; I liked the artwork on there. I have only drawn about two drawings of manga, but only just a couple of sketches from an online video tutorial. I have wanted to try to get better with drawing the manga characters, but I have also wanted to try to learn Japanese, but have been having difficulty focusing. I also like the Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright games, I do use walkthroughs to help me complete the games though, but I do like playing them nevertheless. I do use Skype but I have never really contacted anyone other than my family on it though. I have always thought how crowded the MCM Expo’s are. I have always seen them as being a sea of people that I could get drowned in. I also feel embarrassed about dressing up into cosplay. I have seen it in the NEO magazine and the new MyM magazine and thought “wow, what dedication, I don’t think I could do that”. I wish her all the luck when she goes to meet the people in London, :). I think she is brave to go to meet those people, I know I certainly couldn’t cope with that.

 

Yes, I too would find that talking about a common interest would spark a better conversation than simply talking ‘small talk’. It is much easier to flow when you have an interest to talk about.

 

If your daughter feels brave enough to write on here and introduce herself to me, I would be happy write to her about her interests in animé, manga, and the games.

 

Thank you for your kind words, and I hope your daughter gets on well with the people from London that she would be meeting, :).

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Believe me I understand - for me the circumstances were different (I locked myself away at age 18 (almost 19 in fact) and I have been battling with my issues ever since. I broke out of it for a year or two after seeing a psychologist when I was about 24 and then the treatment discontinued due to the therapists' job changing and I went on a downward slide. Now I am trapped in the house a lot and I only go out with someone else. I am currently trying to find some inner strength again (to put it incredibly simply).

 

And as such your issues of time really hit home with me - I feel like I've wasted nearly half my life - and every bit of time that passes infuriates me and makes me dread things even more because I see others move on, I see them have a life, while I do not. I think it takes some of us a lot longer than others - I wish that I knew about AS years ago and I think I could have saved so much time...

 

But could I?

 

I say that question because as you point out - there's no point pushing someone who isn't ready - a little push every now again can help, but it has to be a the right time/place/context etc. People don't always understand that I'm afraid.

 

I think you can advance your knowledge and you can increase your learning and self-awareness - I think writing things down will be a good beginning for this - but at some point you are going to have to ask yourself some deeper questions as living this way is not healthy, its not fun - and although its safe - it isn't living.

 

But that's the problem isn't it?

 

If we hide in a bubble then we are safe, we seem "normal" because there's nobody else there to make us look weird or make us feel stupid - as long as we live in a restricted little world and control everything then its all fine.

 

But it isn't fine - not always - not when we get lonely, or we see others having fun without us, we miss opportunities, we miss out - and as such we takes longer to "get there"...

 

Big big trap and I for one want nothing more than to escape the trap I built to protect me - and that's so hard cuz everything inside me tells me to protect myself from "out there".

 

So write, take some time and find your memories, you will think of more as you write because some memories trigger others... its ok to spend time doing that, but that evil question "what next" will always be there and its a hard question to answer...

 

The worrying thing is your thinking... you say that you are worried that if you leave your bedroom door the people will say "right, he can come to college" - I am so very familiar with that kind of thought - but its just another trap - because as long as you keep the door you can't leave it behind - but at the same time the authorities probably will see your step forwards and then want you to jump - its a catch 22. And they don't care either way - there's a fair chance that unless you have the finances to fund tutors, you'll have to find another way round it, I do not know every option out there, and as someone who studies with the OU (open university) I fully comprehend the difficulties with isolated learning (its that human contact thing - it kinda makes learning more fun and makes ideas come alive).

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jb1964   

I have gone onto the DeviantArt website in the past; I liked the artwork on there. I have only drawn about two drawings of manga, but only just a couple of sketches from an online video tutorial. I have wanted to try to get better with drawing the manga characters, but I have also wanted to try to learn Japanese, but have been having difficulty focusing. I also like the Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright games, I do use walkthroughs to help me complete the games though, but I do like playing them nevertheless. I do use Skype but I have never really contacted anyone other than my family on it though. I have always thought how crowded the MCM Expo’s are. I have always seen them as being a sea of people that I could get drowned in. I also feel embarrassed about dressing up into cosplay. I have seen it in the NEO magazine and the new MyM magazine and thought “wow, what dedication, I don’t think I could do that”. I wish her all the luck when she goes to meet the people in London, :). I think she is brave to go to meet those people, I know I certainly couldn’t cope with that.

 

Hi - yes my daughter also tried learning Japanese (speaking not written) but found it hard to concentrate. With the DeviantArt thing - she started at first by just viewing artwork she liked and then commenting on them - which sparked a small 'conversation' of such. It took a while to submit her own artwork as she was scared of negative comments (negativity is a big problem for her).

 

As for the cosplay - we took her first to the Telford one which is quite small compared to London - she didn't dress up first time but was so impressed after her first visit - we were also very worried about crowds etc - but she was that focused on things of interest catching her eye that she was somehow distracted by the crowds (if you know what I mean). She had her picture in a cosplay outfit printed in the Neo mag a while ago.

 

Also, even though her interests ease her conversation - last year at the London Expo - Billy West et al (Futurama voice overs) were there, although when it came to meeting them even though she had so much she wanted to say she was completely in awe!!

 

I have shown her your posts and she asks do you have a DeviantArt account?

 

Take care,

x

Edited by Tally

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Jb1964, yeah, learning Japanese would make watching animé, playing Japanese games, and listening to modern Japanese music so much easier to understand. I would be able to get hold of the games before they get converted to English, or even play the games that may never even get translated at all. Music doesn’t help me when I want to learn Japanese, as I have stated in the ‘Concentrating on developing skills’ thread.

 

Negativity is a big problem for me as well; I always worry about getting negative responses. Worrying tends to be my middle name when it comes to social interaction in general, :unsure: . I can imagine that she would be too scared about sending her artwork to be shown in case she would get bad replies, I would hate that too, :unsure: . As I have such high levels of anxiety some things become so much harder than for those that are neurotypical.

 

So she was distracted by the others wearing cosplay for the animé/manga/games she was interested in, yes? I can imagine she must have been lost in the moment, :) , I can imagine how exciting it must have been. Personally, I am not sure how I would act if I went to an MCM Expo with my high levels of anxiety, but if you are able to cope with the group of people there, then I can imagine that it was a great place to go to. She looks nice, and yes, I can remember the character, Alita Tiala, in the Apollo Justice Ace Attorney game, the outfit looks good too, unfortunately I don’t think I ever managed to complete that game. I do have the 91st issue of the Neo magazine, which came out December 2011, which she appears in; she must have been brave to have her photograph taken for the Neo magazine. In truth, I mainly look at the new animé and manga coming out rather than the cosplay, so I don’t know if I noticed it before.

 

I can completely understand, before you get there all the things you want to say float around your head, but the moment that it counts, you freeze, I can relate to that, :unsure: . I freeze all the time whenever someone comes up to talk to me face-to-face, other than my family. I always get strong acid in my stomach and I fumble my words.

 

Yes, I do have a DeviantArt account, I haven’t posted the two sketches I have created, but they are only just rough sketches, first attempts basically. To be honest, I have rarely gone onto the website much, but on occasions I have seen some artwork on there.

 

Best wishes Ichigo

Edited by Ichigo Kurosaki

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darkshine, I have heard my mum listening to a video by Polly Tommey saying that when it comes to training to be a doctor, you don’t have to go into one lecture about autism, she said this at a conference in the European parliament, so is it any wonder why we have so few doctors that understand about autism over here. When that therapist’s job changed it would be detrimental to someone on the autistic spectrum, after all we cannot stand change. That psychologist obviously had very little, if any, training in autism. Yeah, I can understand, building your strength in order to try to build confidence again. I am now writing to that old primary school friend, and writing on this forum in order to try building my own confidence.

 

About the effect of time, so true, so true, in more ways than one, and it only makes my depression worse. The older I get the worse it would make me feel, I can very much relate to that. There have been social situations in my past that I could have said something to, but I was far too anxious at the time to say anything, and so I missed out. It would have meant very little to the person talking to me, but it would mean a great deal to me, especially now that my social anxiety has become even greater. Depression is an awful thing to experience and I think it can be equally difficult to shake away as well. I think I had depression the moment I hit school.

 

There was a social interaction back at school, I had a choice to respond or just walk away with a passing comment. I believed that that particular social interaction wasn’t real because I was bullied a lot previously. I thought, “This can’t be real, it must be a tease. I can’t make another mistake, so I’ll avoid it”. I did, but ever since then I have wondered if it was genuine or not. I have always wondered where it may have led to; I was teased a lot at school, so sometimes I couldn’t tell the difference between being teased and being told the truth. It depends what you mean by ‘little push’. Yes, people don’t understand when you’re afraid, if the local authorities are not trained in autism then that is even more detrimental if they push you. I really doubt that if they are not trained in ASD, then when they push, it wouldn’t be small, it would be large. That may be because they treat us like any other individual that is neurotypical, they don’t know how to help us as they haven’t been trained. If they were trained in ASD, then they may have a greater chance of understanding the effects such pushing would cause us, but as they haven’t, they won’t.

 

Escaping the trap is all very well, but remember there are so many wrongs out there, so many evil people, that those that are good are so few and far between. I cannot blind myself to reality, facing those evils is a feat in itself; my cousin confronted those that were horrible to her, and metaphorically speaking, got kicked in the face. It is just like the school system, but on a far bigger scale. In the houses of parliament, each side argues and bickers like school children over our future, it’s sickening. There are so many wrongs that the parliament is sending out that us, the disabled and vulnerable, pay the biggest price for. My future is being metaphorically spat on by the government. If I escape from this trap, I’d be trod on in mere seconds, I am not blind to the wrongs of the world. Just because I protect myself the way I have, it doesn’t mean that I haven’t notice how the government wants us, the disabled, to suffer.

 

It is a catch 22, and because of their lack of training in ASD, that becomes even truer. When the tutors were behind my bedroom door teaching me, I was able to come back with quick responses and they were far away enough and not visible, making it far less stressful. Yes, money is a big issue; we can’t afford large sums of money. It makes it even harder. This is why I am stuck. I don’t know where to turn. Even if I could do distance learning, with the OU courses, I have noticed they don’t have all the subjects I’d want to learn. From what I have seen, they may have German but they don’t have Japanese or Chinese as languages to learn, I don’t think they have photography. I suppose they do have computing but, online learning is so difficult, if I get drained talking to that professional web designer to resolve a problem, then how is it going to be any different in an OU course?

Edited by Ichigo Kurosaki

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jb1964   

Hi Ichigo, just a quick reply before we have tea. I've shown my daughter your post and she's going to have a look on DeviantArt later to send you a message. I don't know whether you want to take off your account details from your post though just in case.

 

Take care,

x

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darkshine, I have heard my mum listening to a video by Polly Tommey saying that when it comes to training to be a doctor, you don’t have to go into one lecture about autism, she said this at a conference in the European parliament, so is it any wonder why we have so few doctors that understand about autism over here. When that therapist’s job changed it would be detrimental to someone on the autistic spectrum, after all we cannot stand change. That psychologist obviously had very little, if any, training in autism. Yeah, I can understand, building your strength in order to try to build confidence again. I am now writing to that old primary school friend, and writing on this forum in order to try building my own confidence.

 

It's terrible isn't it? You'd expect a doctor to be familiar with autism - but apparently not... I did find it very detrimental to have got to far only to have the end goal snatched away at the last minute. I was told I should be grateful I got anything and I removed myself from the service shortly after (only do go on a major downward plummet in terms of state of mind and problems etc)

 

Do you feel like you are beginning to build your confidence? I hope so cuz it seems as good a place to start as any :)

 

 

 

About the effect of time, so true, so true, in more ways than one, and it only makes my depression worse. The older I get the worse it would make me feel, I can very much relate to that. There have been social situations in my past that I could have said something to, but I was far too anxious at the time to say anything, and so I missed out. It would have meant very little to the person talking to me, but it would mean a great deal to me, especially now that my social anxiety has become even greater. Depression is an awful thing to experience and I think it can be equally difficult to shake away as well. I think I had depression the moment I hit school.

 

It's amazing how all those unsaid things can be part of what becomes a bigger problem isn't it? Do you regret the way things have gone sometimes cuz you couldn't say anything? I know I have regrets... I kinda put them to the back of my mind these days as its more important to look forward - so I might delve into the past - but afterwards I look forward again - or I try too :lol:

 

I think my depression started from the start of secondary school, its when the differences between me and them finally hit me so hard that I literally fell over in shock - and then I hated it - people say celebrate difference - but that isn't easy in a school environment - being different was the last thing I wanted.

 

The passing of time is such a big thing for me - so I can come pretty close to understanding how you feel about it - I live in the hope that it gets easier - and although I don't have the answers, I can say that the more you do to make your life better and find nice things to have in your life - then the pressure of time feels less heavy. I have wasted so much time being scared of society, of people, always of people cuz its them that makes me feel this way - and I wish I had made more of an effort when I was younger.

 

But that is a semi catch 22 too cuz I needed to mature, I needed self-awareness and coping skills and its only now that I feel that I am so excruciatingly slowly getting somewhere (in real terms it is nowhere) but its a move forwards you know? Always forward cuz back don't do us any good in the long run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was a social interaction back at school, I had a choice to respond or just walk away with a passing comment. I believed that that particular social interaction wasn’t real because I was bullied a lot previously. I thought, “This can’t be real, it must be a tease. I can’t make another mistake, so I’ll avoid it”. I did, but ever since then I have wondered if it was genuine or not. I have always wondered where it may have led to; I was teased a lot at school, so sometimes I couldn’t tell the difference between being teased and being told the truth. It depends what you mean by ‘little push’. Yes, people don’t understand when you’re afraid, if the local authorities are not trained in autism then that is even more detrimental if they push you. I really doubt that if they are not trained in ASD, then when they push, it wouldn’t be small, it would be large. That may be because they treat us like any other individual that is neurotypical, they don’t know how to help us as they haven’t been trained. If they were trained in ASD, then they may have a greater chance of understanding the effects such pushing would cause us, but as they haven’t, they won’t.

 

There's so much uncertainty isn't there? How can we ever know?!? My solution to that is to compile a massive database in my head and the older I get the more I add - it has helped a little.

 

As for a little push, well, its sort of the difference between encouragement and pressure don't you think? Encouragement can give us a little push if it is given correctly - too much and it can turn to pressure which is more likely to have us retreating for the hills (of the bedroom).

And its the difference between a few things... easing the pressure, making things seem do-able, giving us belief or support - it all depends on circumstances, but there's lots of ways to give a little push without doing it in that stupid way that professionals do, which makes us feel like shite and want to just be swallowed by the ground etc.

 

And you are right - the people who are supposed to offer help or solutions don't have enough ASD training so they don't know what they are doing - which is wasting time and money and in the meantime certain people get overlooked, or they avoid the service because the services don't understand them - I definitely don't have a quick fix solution for that - I guess it will improve with time - but we can't just wait - we'll have to see what we can do ourselves (unless you find a miracle person - it happens for some).

 

 

 

 

Escaping the trap is all very well, but remember there are so many wrongs out there, so many evil people, that those that are good are so few and far between. I cannot blind myself to reality, facing those evils is a feat in itself; my cousin confronted those that were horrible to her, and metaphorically speaking, got kicked in the face. It is just like the school system, but on a far bigger scale. In the houses of parliament, each side argues and bickers like school children over our future, it’s sickening. There are so many wrongs that the parliament is sending out that us, the disabled and vulnerable, pay the biggest price for. My future is being metaphorically spat on by the government. If I escape from this trap, I’d be trod on in mere seconds, I am not blind to the wrongs of the world. Just because I protect myself the way I have, it doesn’t mean that I haven’t notice how the government wants us, the disabled, to suffer.

 

I think all those things too - but the problem is that I want answers, I want to understand how something is and then have those rules to follow - the world just isn't like that.

 

I thought everyone was bad and evil - but they aren't - but if I'm brutally honest with you... I think that cuz its how it looks, it looks evil, the way things are is wrong, it seems like there isn't a place for me, I'm on some alien planet pretending to be "normal" because who I am is not acceptable to the people I meet, I don't see where I can fit into this world, I don't even want to fit into this world, I could go on, but I will stop....

 

The thing is, I guess we have to find the oasis' in the desert - some lie and are mirages - but some are real - so we gotta try and find 'em. Even if they aren't permanent (and yes I hate change too) but sometimes it better to have a few good things for even a short time - than to never have them at all... that's the best that I can get to right now, I can't delude myself, I do know that is why my personal signature says people are like stars - and its worth looking for the brighter and nicer ones I guess.

 

Plus, I want to do something about the state of the system - I don't know what or how, but I want to do something - waiting on a brainwave for that one :lol:

 

 

 

 

It is a catch 22, and because of their lack of training in ASD, that becomes even truer. When the tutors were behind my bedroom door teaching me, I was able to come back with quick responses and they were far away enough and not visible, making it far less stressful. Yes, money is a big issue; we can’t afford large sums of money. It makes it even harder. This is why I am stuck. I don’t know where to turn. Even if I could do distance learning, with the OU courses, I have noticed they don’t have all the subjects I’d want to learn. From what I have seen, they may have German but they don’t have Japanese or Chinese as languages to learn, I don’t think they have photography. I suppose they do have computing but, online learning is so difficult, if I get drained talking to that professional web designer to resolve a problem, then how is it going to be any different in an OU course?

 

Yeah, OU only does the typical (or predictable) language courses - they do not interest me either... your best bet with photography is to look up a local group (but you have other issues to face before you can do that I think?) and computing has got to be a hard one without actually seeing someone periodically at least.

 

The frustrating answer is that you might need to do other things before you get to do what you want to do - is college is too massive a jump right now - is a small group that does something else too big a jump? If it is then it becomes more frustrating because you might want to leap forwards but be held back because it isn't possible or realistic to do it.

 

For example - I want to go to college or a uni, but that is too much for me right now, I can't go out alone yet and I couldn't face the environment or the people or a hundred other things - so where does that leave me? I take the annoying baby steps, I am going to go to an AS group to get used to people - then if that goes well :unsure: I think I would need to do something with the "NT" people. I need to challenge my issues a lot - but by slowly adding things to try to build up some resistance and some coping mechanisms - does this make sense or is it totally irrelevant in your life?

 

Best

 

Darkshine

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darkshine, to be told you should be grateful for the little you received, I can imagine that, how heartless, just goes to show you how cold they really are. Where is the care, I wonder if they even know what the word means? It’s disgraceful.

 

I think it’s difficult to say whether or not I’ve built confidence yet, there’s no measurement, lol. It is a progression that is progressing at a pace but I have never written as much as I am now. Social wise, I am writing a lot more to people than I even felt confident enough to talk to people at school, which must be because written format is so different from face-to-face conversation.

 

Well, to be honest, educational wise, the way I was taught at home is very different to school. As I said before I found it incredibly hard to cope with the work in school, terrible really, but in secondary school with that other friend, I copied him in maths, and it was so hard to concentrate on the work there. I liked maths and ICT (Information and Communication Technology (basically computing)) at school, but I couldn’t really focus on the work. I was better than the computing class but I copied from a friend in secondary with maths. The homework was becoming increasingly harder each time, I couldn’t cope. Now, after learning from behind my bedroom door, strangely enough I don’t regret learning this way, as I think I may have got worse grades in school. The only two things I can regret about learning this way is the fact that I was restricted to what both home tutors could teach me, and that I got split from my secondary school friend.

 

My biggest regret from my past would have to be social interaction, which is the killer when it comes to my mind at the moment. When my mind is reminded of something, my mind just goes straight to all the similar situations in my past. It can be hellish. It is like all the depression inside of me starts to quicken and get worse. I was always a deep thinker in primary and secondary, I used to wander the playground with just my thoughts for company. I tried to make sense of everything but that only made me more depressed. Moving forwards is something and the part about it being excruciating slowly, I don’t think I could get anywhere if I didn’t start somewhere small. What I don’t think those that are neurotypical understand is how small and how much, we on the autistic spectrum, can exactly cope with, there is a limit and that limit is fine and sharp, if it is crossed, we feel like we’re going through hell. That is what I need to avoid, but how could I move, it sounds so hard, :unsure: ? Writing on here and to that primary school friend, and such, metaphorically feels like I am taking one more little step up a mountain that is out of sight as it is beyond the clouds.

 

The idea of this little push is like I was explaining about there being a fine and sharp line, if it’s crossed we go through hell, and that would be what the professionals would do. I don’t think that the authorities understand the concept of the real line that cannot be crossed as I believe they cross it more times than they care to admit. If they didn’t I wouldn’t have been behind my bedroom door in the first place, and there would have been better help to socialise in school than that “buddy bench” from primary. I could never trust those services if they are not trained in ASD, that would be like ASD suicide, I don’t want to cause myself to have another emotional breakdown by trusting their “neurotypical” ways. They do not help, they break, and I don’t wish to be broken, none of us would. Miracle people, lol, wouldn’t we all want that, but seriously I need to try to reach out there as much as possible, it is so hard trying to cope in this situation, I need to try searching my own way as much as possible, this is my move to search for help. No matter how small it may look on the surface, this is the biggest thing I have done since school. This is my own personal little push, lol.

 

In the disability news thing that I have seen, I have heard not too long ago that a disabled woman got literally spat in the face over her disability and her being different. I feel like this is another discriminatory society, you just need to read the Daily Mail to see that much. There may be good people out there, but there is so much wrong in the most important places that makes life feel so much worse. Looking for the oasis that is real, if you stumble across the lying mirage, instead of coming up with nothingness, to me, it would feel like I have been drained of all oxygen and trying again feels impossible as the damage had already been done. After the incident at school, I have lived in constant fear of having another emotional breakdown, it was not nice, and it was not pretty. I had such an overflowing confidence saying “NO, I can’t go back”. It was awful on so many levels, but to go through mirages to find the right oasis, I need to know, and really know, which is safe before making the journey. I cannot jump into a possible fake one that could change into another emotional breakdown; it was not an experience I want to go through again if I can help it.

 

Local groups to do with photography, now, I have tried going to one in the local arts centre near us. There were only three other people including the tutor, and my mum. I first walked through pass the threshold; it felt like the pressure in the room fluctuated almost instantaneously, it was such a familiar feeling and one that felt like I was falling from a waterfall. There were only three strangers in the room and my world shook. There was a very odd moment where I was able to speak up a bit, my voice was shaking, I was screaming inside, but I spoke, I felt like the odd one out but I tried nevertheless. One person sounded as if he thought the class would be a bit more advanced; I think he was getting at me without saying it outright. Anyway to cut a long story short, every moment felt like hell, but I only just managed to scrape through as there were so few people. I felt like my knowledge wasn’t perfect, and I was in self doubt, but I hoped I didn’t act so hopeless, it was such a confliction in my mind.

 

College and uni, now you’re heading into dangerous emotional torture for me, :( . Either one sounds so hard, so very hard, nigh on impossible in fact, but learning is something I have always wanted to do, ah, I hate it, :unsure: . My mind is so, so, so, so, so, powerful when it thinks education and the struggles that would be involved in finding the right way for me to learn.

 

Trying to find coping mechanisms and building resistance, well, they are definitely steps, however, what I don’t know about is how I myself would be able to achieve that, this feels dangerous in its territorial move, I know it is important, but it is so hard to find the right way.

 

Best wishes Ichigo

 

P.S I forgot to mention that because of this 139a document, the government only allows disabled young people to learn with “assistance” until they are aged 25, but if I was to sign the document I would be only learning with them for 4 months and then they would try to get me to college with no help. They can’t understand why I have to learn from behind my bedroom door. The funding for my education has to go through a provider and that’s also causing a problem because it has to go through a college and I can’t cope with a college.

Edited by Ichigo Kurosaki

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Hi Ichigo, Believe me, I know how big this step is for you and the best advice I can give you right now is to keep going with that step - sometimes in life we need to take a leap of faith and you have done that already by talking to us lot and that friend - keep with it and see where it takes you.

 

I'll happily discuss issues for ages - but I do think that right now your best move would be to carry on talking and assess things as you go along - you can afford a bit of time to do that I think because the longer terms benefits could be worth it. There's not much point jumping too far ahead and ignoring your current issues.

 

I don't think you should sign that document unless you are happy with what it says!!

 

Ok, I remember feeling like you - I still feel that strongly sometimes!!! But it was worse when I was your age - I remember how that felt and your descriptions brought that right back to me.

 

This is the thinking I have started to explore in my own life.

 

I want things - I want to learn to drive, I want to go out, I want friends, to go to uni or college, a social life, a job, to be involved with things... its a complicated and big list... too much to achieve by tomorrow, or even next month, cuz of AS issues and agoraphobia, social anxiety, depression and a few other issues that becomes really hard.

 

So I look at it all and I ask myself what would need to happen to do that? I haven't a clue from the beginning to the end cuz somewhere along the line I lose the point or the end goal seems too far away so I sort of give up. The picture makes no sense and so I lose track.

 

I have found that working backwards helps me.

 

So I'd like to own a car - so what would I need to do before I buy one? Save money. But before that I need a license, so I need lessons, but I need money for that too, so I save while I look around for lessons, it takes me 3 years of looking before I pluck up the courage to try it - I try it - and it's alright so I have another lesson and that was ok - if it wasn't I would have had to reassess and see if there could be other steps to do. (I have left a lot of steps out here as I can't be bothered to list everything that I thought - but I hope I said enough that you get the gist of what I am saying).

 

So if the lesson had been horrible - maybe I could try a different instructor - or if the problem was me sitting in close confines with another person I'd try to get used to sitting beside people, and then get used to following instructions. If attention or awareness had been an issue I would have practised that. and so on depending on the issue or problem - right now its money for me :lol: always a problem :rolleyes:

 

Even though it is really hard to think this way, I have found it easier then putting some massive challenge at some unfixed point in the future and because its too hard it doesn't get done (not in my case anyway). Have you tried looking at things in reverse like that instead of the usual "forwards" way that authorities use?

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Hi darkshine, yes, it would be interesting to see where this all leads, I will try my best to jot my memories and thoughts down as I have already been doing. I think each person on the autistic spectrum has a limit that when breached it can get hellish, if found the right, right not the authorities “right”, help and/or support then that limit could be bypassed averting the major harm, at least I hope so. Metaphorically speaking, if I dip my toe in the water, by writing on here instead of face-to-face contact, then I hope to find a light of hope that I could reach for, that is my hope. Then I could try to reach that light. I could very well be living in a dream world, but if I don’t try then what else could I do that doesn’t break that limit? It may not happen and that is why if I can collect my writings from different locations and thought processes together to form a book, then that is another way of searching. I cannot give up; giving up is emotional and educational suicide.

 

The thing is I think I know my limit before I even have to go through a situation, which is how much I have analysed. What happened with my emotional breakdown really made me see what my limit was, and how much that I could take. I have not often been wrong either, that tidal wave of anxiety I feel is everywhere, I know it is. I’ve felt it countless times already. It does involve people, and that’s the problem, they feel like they are waiting on your response, waiting for you to say something, but I’m frozen, they say “Hi, it’s me”, I need to go, “Hi, blank, how are you?”, instead I go, “uh…uh…uh…mum, it’s blank”. The analysing has been so effective that I could even tell if I get left alone briefly then someone will come up to me, and it’s happened. I must be psychic, lol, only it isn’t funny. I must have an aura around me that some people are attracted to, it is disconcerting. It happened once to me in a shop, just last year, I walked through the shop alone to find my auntie, but a girl peered over at me from an aisle that was a distance away and smiled, I didn’t know why, it felt strange, I walked past but almost instantaneously she said “Is there something I can help you with?”, but I couldn’t say anything, it felt too weird, so I avoided it. This limit cannot be broken, if crossing that boundary at secondary school caused me to retreat behind my bedroom door, I daren’t think what may happen if something happened again, I dread to think it. That is why I wish to avoid it.

 

About the document, exactly, but this is the catch 22, if it is the only way I may receive education with someone behind my bedroom door, but they try to get me to go to college. It is so painful, but at the same time I was able to learn behind my bedroom door, it is so very overloading. I know I cannot cope with whatever draconian methods they would use and that is why I cannot sign it. I am well and truly stuck, where do I turn?

 

Maybe at this age you start to analyse the future, see it crashing down around you and want to find a way of making my own niche in life in my own way. To find my own way of either coping, or finding a medium to make a success of life in a way that isn’t detrimental to that limit. This is what I am struggling with; I am trying to make my own way through life, my own way of trying to succeed. Whether I make it or not is irrelevant, the goal is everything, the road to that goal is one that is unknown, a black void, which you could fall if you weren’t careful. This is what I try to achieve. My own future, a future without my limit being breached, it may be hard but I cannot give up.

 

I can relate to a lot of things in that list, I have the same trouble; they seem too large to condense into manageable chunks. Metaphorically speaking, I see each individual section as a mountain, each one treacherous to climb.

 

Sitting beside people in a car, lol, that is a lot harder than it sounds. I don’t know if I ever will, I have just, only just, managed to cope in that old primary school friend’s car to get home because my cousin has a similar car like feel inside. I have seen my old friend before so it had less of an impact. Here you are talking about a complete stranger, that’s a whole different principle altogether, wow, isn’t it just. I have wanted to drive since my cousin managed to learn and her parents got her a car. I fell into deeper depression as you can imagine, she is only a year younger than me, time again, :unsure: . I don’t hate the fact that she can drive and has a car, I hate myself for being unable to sit in a car and learn how to drive with an instructor, but I know all too well how impossible that is. I had an advocate that promised she would help me by taking me to a driving pod somewhere in London to learn in that way. It never came about, and she left, leaving me with that thought, but nothing to go on, it was horrible. Taking steps is not as easy as it sounds, going backwards, how would I achieve that? If it was education, I can’t pick courses before I even know if I could walk through the door, what would be the point, I don’t understand. The amount of people sitting around you in college is much more than school isn’t it? If so, then that is like jumping from the frying pan and into the fire, I would never cope with my AS difficulties. It would feel like suicide, I would have another emotional breakdown there and then. I can already feel it, :unsure: . As I see the big picture, I need guidance in order to work through each step, as I cannot focus on each individual doable section. There needs to be achievable end results as the problem is all my trying could be in vain and that would be pointless, this is the difficulty. If my mind analyses and sees possible failures, then my mind has already made up its mind. This is so hard to cope with, but then again has prevented me from metaphorically drowning like I did after the incident with the emotional breakdown from school.

 

What do you mean exactly by backwards? I don’t think I understand. The big picture has always been difficult to change my view about, it is always difficult, as you said you give up, it is just the same for me. I don’t know if thinking backwards would work for me, it sounds confusing.

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Hi darkshine, yes, it would be interesting to see where this all leads, I will try my best to jot my memories and thoughts down as I have already been doing. I think each person on the autistic spectrum has a limit that when breached it can get hellish, if found the right, right not the authorities “right”, help and/or support then that limit could be bypassed averting the major harm, at least I hope so. Metaphorically speaking, if I dip my toe in the water, by writing on here instead of face-to-face contact, then I hope to find a light of hope that I could reach for, that is my hope. Then I could try to reach that light. I could very well be living in a dream world, but if I don’t try then what else could I do that doesn’t break that limit? It may not happen and that is why if I can collect my writings from different locations and thought processes together to form a book, then that is another way of searching. I cannot give up; giving up is emotional and educational suicide.

 

I found my verbal skills improved due to talking on here - maybe it helps in other ways too - I hope you find some good skills for your life :)

 

 

 

 

 

The thing is I think I know my limit before I even have to go through a situation, which is how much I have analysed. What happened with my emotional breakdown really made me see what my limit was, and how much that I could take. I have not often been wrong either, that tidal wave of anxiety I feel is everywhere, I know it is. I’ve felt it countless times already. It does involve people, and that’s the problem, they feel like they are waiting on your response, waiting for you to say something, but I’m frozen, they say “Hi, it’s me”, I need to go, “Hi, blank, how are you?”, instead I go, “uh…uh…uh…mum, it’s blank”. The analysing has been so effective that I could even tell if I get left alone briefly then someone will come up to me, and it’s happened. I must be psychic, lol, only it isn’t funny. I must have an aura around me that some people are attracted to, it is disconcerting. It happened once to me in a shop, just last year, I walked through the shop alone to find my auntie, but a girl peered over at me from an aisle that was a distance away and smiled, I didn’t know why, it felt strange, I walked past but almost instantaneously she said “Is there something I can help you with?”, but I couldn’t say anything, it felt too weird, so I avoided it. This limit cannot be broken, if crossing that boundary at secondary school caused me to retreat behind my bedroom door, I daren’t think what may happen if something happened again, I dread to think it. That is why I wish to avoid it.

 

I spoke similar words at your age - it helps when you learn some social scripts, people are often creatures of habit - they talk about the same kinda things :lol: I used to go blank too but as I learned them scripts better it got slowly easier to remember them and then learn that there's lots more to learn.

 

The thing is - you are now learning and analysing - but once you've had a chance to do it enough you will start to develop pockets of rules, they might not connect at first but eventually some of them do - and then the analysing can reduce to a more manageable level some of the time at least. It can be a relief.

 

The limit thing is hard to deal with I know - but some of that is related to learning the scripts...

 

You particular example with the girl asking if she could help you could be for a number of reasons

 

1. Her employer could have told her to in case they get a mystery shopper

2. You might have looked uncomfortable and so she surmised you were likely to need help

3. She might has noticed you look at her - which people do when they want help - and so she asked

 

This is - as I see it - the most likely reasons - you just say "no thanks" and they carry on with their lives and you don't get them looking at you like your weird or rude - its a good one to learn!! Even if you need help :lol:

 

I only dared to actually ask for help about a year ago and then it still depends on the store, the people in it, what the people who work there are like, what mood I'm in, how the world is that day and a billion other stupid things - needless to say - I don't ask often!!!

 

But there's other stupid scripts like that - so many of them made me feel like a liar - and still do!! But you know what? It's easier to learn the stupid scripts so that as far as strangers are concerned - its just easy to spout the BS and let everyone get on with their lives.

 

It was hell to start with but after 15 years of effort it has now got to the point where it is only highly tedious and mundane and pathetically stupid.

 

Like:

 

Them - Hi, how are you?

Me - Hi - I'm fine thanks how are you?

Them - blah blah blah blah

 

While I stand an pretend like I give a damn.

 

I used to play games with the scripts - like when they said "how are you" I'd just repeat it and see if I could get away with not saying I was "fine" when I most definitely was not.

 

Some times I say "not so bad" as an answer to not lie

 

There's loads of these stupid scripts... and I reckon it's a case of learning them so well that people can't catch you out - which is hard!!!

 

Only last week I got told off by my friend for being rude - I didn't see why - cuz this shop person said sorry for bumping into me and I ignored them and carried on looking for some stupid herb - apparently I was supposed to say "that's ok" or "that doesn't matter" :wallbash:

 

See? Still learning...

 

 

 

 

 

About the document, exactly, but this is the catch 22, if it is the only way I may receive education with someone behind my bedroom door, but they try to get me to go to college. It is so painful, but at the same time I was able to learn behind my bedroom door, it is so very overloading. I know I cannot cope with whatever draconian methods they would use and that is why I cannot sign it. I am well and truly stuck, where do I turn?

 

Maybe at this age you start to analyse the future, see it crashing down around you and want to find a way of making my own niche in life in my own way. To find my own way of either coping, or finding a medium to make a success of life in a way that isn’t detrimental to that limit. This is what I am struggling with; I am trying to make my own way through life, my own way of trying to succeed. Whether I make it or not is irrelevant, the goal is everything, the road to that goal is one that is unknown, a black void, which you could fall if you weren’t careful. This is what I try to achieve. My own future, a future without my limit being breached, it may be hard but I cannot give up.

 

I haven't a clue about the document - and annoying as it might sound - your mum is probably in the best place to help you with it - and it sounds like she's struggling - might be worth a new post just for this issue - maybe someone else knows :)

 

I used to think my road was trainlines stretching out straight into hell.

 

Now I think its many things - a path is nicer than a road - since roads have vehicles to dodge and life's hard enough :lol: but maybe a road is more accurate because of that!

 

My favourite metaphor is the sea - it goes stormy - it goes calm - and everything in between - I@ve been battered many times throughout life and hope for calmer days...

 

 

I can relate to a lot of things in that list, I have the same trouble; they seem too large to condense into manageable chunks. Metaphorically speaking, I see each individual section as a mountain, each one treacherous to climb.

 

Sitting beside people in a car, lol, that is a lot harder than it sounds. I don’t know if I ever will, I have just, only just, managed to cope in that old primary school friend’s car to get home because my cousin has a similar car like feel inside. I have seen my old friend before so it had less of an impact. Here you are talking about a complete stranger, that’s a whole different principle altogether, wow, isn’t it just. I have wanted to drive since my cousin managed to learn and her parents got her a car. I fell into deeper depression as you can imagine, she is only a year younger than me, time again, :unsure: . I don’t hate the fact that she can drive and has a car, I hate myself for being unable to sit in a car and learn how to drive with an instructor, but I know all too well how impossible that is. I had an advocate that promised she would help me by taking me to a driving pod somewhere in London to learn in that way. It never came about, and she left, leaving me with that thought, but nothing to go on, it was horrible. Taking steps is not as easy as it sounds, going backwards, how would I achieve that? If it was education, I can’t pick courses before I even know if I could walk through the door, what would be the point, I don’t understand. The amount of people sitting around you in college is much more than school isn’t it? If so, then that is like jumping from the frying pan and into the fire, I would never cope with my AS difficulties. It would feel like suicide, I would have another emotional breakdown there and then. I can already feel it, :unsure: . As I see the big picture, I need guidance in order to work through each step, as I cannot focus on each individual doable section. There needs to be achievable end results as the problem is all my trying could be in vain and that would be pointless, this is the difficulty. If my mind analyses and sees possible failures, then my mind has already made up its mind. This is so hard to cope with, but then again has prevented me from metaphorically drowning like I did after the incident with the emotional breakdown from school.

 

What do you mean exactly by backwards? I don’t think I understand. The big picture has always been difficult to change my view about, it is always difficult, as you said you give up, it is just the same for me. I don’t know if thinking backwards would work for me, it sounds confusing.

 

What you said about driving - you might get that feeling a few more times mate - I've watched so many people progress in life while I seem forever stuck and like a decade behind them in those terms - but then they don't have the same difficulties do they.

 

The backwards thing works for me - it might just not be your thing...

 

But I'll hazard a chance at explaining with your example of college instead of my example.

 

College would be the end goal - to do the course you want in a classroom environment.

 

So what would you need to do just before you could do that?

 

Well, you've said you can't handle the environment or the people so a step before college could be doing a smaller course on a lesser interest to get the feel of that environment but with a few less people.

 

But that's too hard now too, so what then?

 

Maybe a group of a few people with a common interest..

 

But that's a big jump from a bedroom to that!!

 

So what could come first?

 

Maybe a one on one teacher?

 

But that's a scary thing to face too!! It can be hard to concentrate with that person staring at you and expecting things!

 

So maybe someone who is willing to walk and talk with you - not a family member - maybe a support worker.

 

But that could be a big jump from bedroom to streets too.

 

So maybe someone could come to your house - but maybe that seems too hard right now

 

Which leaves you with what you are already doing - internet conversations.

 

It's just an example - you could always reverse everything I said and look at it the other way

 

Someone coming to your house to talk with you

Walking and talking

One-to-one teacher

Small group for sharing interests

Course with small class for lesser interest

Actual course you'd like to do in a perfect world.

 

All I'm using (in a very rough way - it would ideally be much much more detailed for an actual plan!!!) is logical thinking.

 

If I can't do X then what do I need to do to achieve X - and do I need to do other things first to build the skills that I require in order to get to my goal.

 

That way you don't lose time because you know where you want to head for and how you plan to get there - sometimes the plan had to change - sometimes you have to shift your goals - annoying - but true - but having some sort of plan on how to get from position A (where you are now) to position B through Z (or whatever kinda point you are aiming for).

 

And if it was A to Z - say there was 26 steps to get you to where you want to be - if you were on a ladder you couldn't just jump up from A to M it would be physically impossible - so a step by step plan can really help.

 

I change mine frequently cuz my skills are never as good as what I think they should be so I get impatient and try to leap forwards and the fail and fall... you'd think I'd learn - but I only thought of this step by step thing a year ago and things are a bit better because things can be laid out like plan and that makes me feel like I know what to do and how to do it...

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darkshine, to be honest, even though I am writing on here, I feel I still need to make sure what I have written sounds alright, I always need my mum to give me her second opinion, just because I need to be sure whether it’s ok or not, :lol: . Yes, I do hope to find some good skills, talking to my tutors, and speech and language therapist (SALT) about various subjects like, politics, how I feel, education, social difficulties, anxiety, depression, and such, had helped me develop some better verbal skills and moral views myself, so it is a progression through each step, hopefully through talking here, it may open up more possibilities for growing skills, or providing some guidance to achieve some new ones.

 

Technically, I did respond to the girl in the shop saying “No, it’s alright, I’m just looking for someone”, but it was the feeling of being singled out in the shop, mum even said that the other shop workers had never said to her “Is there something I can help you with?” like the girl did with me. It was because of this that my mind could not settle, I wondered “What was that all about? Was there something hidden there that I missed?” For mum to not be asked that herself, and for it to happen to me like that, it had really puzzled me. I wasn’t really expecting someone to look dead in my eyes and smile from that distance, it felt alien to me. The thing is I only looked into her eyes for barely a second and she was already smiling before I even looked at her face, what does that mean? As strange as it sounds, no one had ever done that before. I wondered whether I should have tried talking to her more to find out what it meant, without verbally saying it out loud. It is just like when you said that to try to start an interaction about an inquiry to find out her reaction. Later, I looked back on it, it didn’t feel natural that she was so intent on grabbing my attention, I don’t know if I’m reading into it too much, but this is my analytical mind again, :unsure:. At the time, inside, I felt like I was on an edge and that if I could push a little then I could have said something, I was contemplating it, but something put me off, it was the strangeness of the situation, it was almost as she wanted to be spoken to, but I felt it was too weird, I couldn’t build up the courage. I feel like I could scream inside, I wonder what in the hell that was. It could mean nothing, but my mind, ah, it’s so infuriating thinking about situations like this. It is a constant conflict, wondering if there was a hidden meaning that I should have tried to find out about, or thinking that there surely couldn’t have been a hidden meaning and that I am thinking too hard. What sounds even stranger is that my auntie said she saw a couple of girls looking at me as I was talking to her outside just before we left, which had confused me further. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t think much of it at the time but as time moved on I analysed the words my auntie and mum spoke, and the way the girl herself reacted to me. I thought was there something hidden that I missed. I consider all thoughts, what people have said and the environment I was in at the time, and if something seemed out of place, I cannot stop but think there was something there I may have missed at the time.

 

When it comes to having to speak to someone catching my attention, inside it feels just like acid takes over, I do freeze, I can’t help it. It is only recently that when something was obvious like someone had just said a second ago that someone behind the counter would take a couple of minutes to get ready, then I could only just say to someone else that asked me where the shop clerk was, then I could say they’ll take another couple of minutes. That may sound like nothing but I had acid in my stomach, for just that interaction never mind about anything else. I feel like learning scripts isn’t enough, it is also trying to overpower the high anxiety levels as well, that isn’t a cup of tea, :unsure:.

 

Yes, I may create a new thread on the 139a document.

 

I have thought of many metaphorical ways of explaining my difficulties to the tutors, SALT, etc. but nothing made any difference. It felt like my words were just travelling in one ear and out the other, they went to some of the meeting mum went to, but were powerless to the ‘professionals’ that never even came to talk to me from behind my bedroom door. The tutors and SALT knew me far more than those ‘professionals’. You can’t judge what someone can cope with when you haven’t even spoken to them directly, it makes no sense.

 

Yeah, I can imagine I will continue to get that feeling; it isn’t easy to live with by any means. AS, and time play a huge keys in things like this. No, I certainly don’t think my cousin has these difficulties; she is so confident that she can speak up if someone is horrible to her, the only problem being that she gets kicked in the face because of it, so in a sense it’s a double edged sword. She is far better at socialising than I ever was. She even came out and said to me “I don’t think you have autism”. Through everything that has happened and the effects of time and her advancing and me feeling as if I’m detracting, it has caused me to avoid seeing her. I couldn’t see her at Christmas because of it and ever since then. When I talked to her on the telephone, daggers felt as if they were penetrating my heart at every word.

 

To be honest the idea is very much like my speech and language therapist (SALT) suggested. Taking little steps she said, I said to her that I see the big picture always. It is a sound strategy and one I shall think about in greater detail, but it has to be in a way not thwart with emotional breakdowns in its route, some steps I could take but others are too much as you’ve said. It is something I think I’ll need to get my head around, it isn’t easy to follow this path, it is like trying to accept punishment, I think it may be difficult to follow through, :unsure:. For me, taking steps is definitely a slow and painful process no matter how you shake it, dealing with that may be one of the hardest things I could ever do. This is one objective that I don’t think will be completed in the next five years, it may take half my life, :unsure:, at least it looks that way.

 

Best wishes

 

Ichigo

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darkshine, to be honest, even though I am writing on here, I feel I still need to make sure what I have written sounds alright, I always need my mum to give me her second opinion, just because I need to be sure whether it’s ok or not, :lol: . Yes, I do hope to find some good skills, talking to my tutors, and speech and language therapist (SALT) about various subjects like, politics, how I feel, education, social difficulties, anxiety, depression, and such, had helped me develop some better verbal skills and moral views myself, so it is a progression through each step, hopefully through talking here, it may open up more possibilities for growing skills, or providing some guidance to achieve some new ones.

 

One day you will be more sure - I felt the same way to start with - and for many years before I even joined this forum too - unfortunately I did not have such a close relationship with my mum when I was your age :)

 

That's all you can do mate, keep taking those steps, there may be bumps in the road, but in time you sometimes learn how to avoid the potholes (as in after enough years you get to tell certain things that are really confusing for you now).

 

 

 

Technically, I did respond to the girl in the shop saying “No, it’s alright, I’m just looking for someone”, but it was the feeling of being singled out in the shop, mum even said that the other shop workers had never said to her “Is there something I can help you with?” like the girl did with me. It was because of this that my mind could not settle, I wondered “What was that all about? Was there something hidden there that I missed?” For mum to not be asked that herself, and for it to happen to me like that, it had really puzzled me. I wasn’t really expecting someone to look dead in my eyes and smile from that distance, it felt alien to me. The thing is I only looked into her eyes for barely a second and she was already smiling before I even looked at her face, what does that mean? As strange as it sounds, no one had ever done that before. I wondered whether I should have tried talking to her more to find out what it meant, without verbally saying it out loud. It is just like when you said that to try to start an interaction about an inquiry to find out her reaction. Later, I looked back on it, it didn’t feel natural that she was so intent on grabbing my attention, I don’t know if I’m reading into it too much, but this is my analytical mind again, :unsure:. At the time, inside, I felt like I was on an edge and that if I could push a little then I could have said something, I was contemplating it, but something put me off, it was the strangeness of the situation, it was almost as she wanted to be spoken to, but I felt it was too weird, I couldn’t build up the courage. I feel like I could scream inside, I wonder what in the hell that was. It could mean nothing, but my mind, ah, it’s so infuriating thinking about situations like this. It is a constant conflict, wondering if there was a hidden meaning that I should have tried to find out about, or thinking that there surely couldn’t have been a hidden meaning and that I am thinking too hard. What sounds even stranger is that my auntie said she saw a couple of girls looking at me as I was talking to her outside just before we left, which had confused me further. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t think much of it at the time but as time moved on I analysed the words my auntie and mum spoke, and the way the girl herself reacted to me. I thought was there something hidden that I missed. I consider all thoughts, what people have said and the environment I was in at the time, and if something seemed out of place, I cannot stop but think there was something there I may have missed at the time.

 

Today I had to go to town for an eye-test and the person I was with had to go do something, so I stood in front of as shop waiting for them to come back (I made sure the window I was standing in front of was the one with the massive display preventing people behind me seeing me).

 

While I was standing there this bloke pulled his bicycle up to a place where people can lock their bikes, and he looked up and saw me looking at him, I looked away straight away, but after about 20 seconds I looked back in his direction (he was about 12-15 foot away) and he was looking at me and I don't know what he was thinking but he looked totally creeped out - like I'd offended him or he thought I was going to attack him or something.

 

All I did was catch his eye, I wasn't staring, I don't know why he kept looking at me with this expression of - well - it didn't look positive!!!

 

Maybe the way we act is the problem - I'd need someone to film me to see what I'm doing as I'm not always aware of what my face looks like :lol:

 

 

 

When it comes to having to speak to someone catching my attention, inside it feels just like acid takes over, I do freeze, I can’t help it. It is only recently that when something was obvious like someone had just said a second ago that someone behind the counter would take a couple of minutes to get ready, then I could only just say to someone else that asked me where the shop clerk was, then I could say they’ll take another couple of minutes. That may sound like nothing but I had acid in my stomach, for just that interaction never mind about anything else. I feel like learning scripts isn’t enough, it is also trying to overpower the high anxiety levels as well, that isn’t a cup of tea, :unsure:.

 

Yes, I may create a new thread on the 139a document.

 

I know - you described it very well - do you respond too late too? And then it feels weird cuz your out of synch. I say things that don't make sense sometimes too cuz I misunderstand or mishear people.

 

I have even walked past members of my family in the street and not seen them because I'm so focused on doing what I'm doing and getting it over with as fast as possible - people have literally had to jump out in front of me to make me see them - I've also offended people this way (the people who didn't know to jump in front of me).

 

I aint no great positive person - but it can get better - it takes work and hell and effort - but it can - just remember that when things get you down.

 

 

 

 

I have thought of many metaphorical ways of explaining my difficulties to the tutors, SALT, etc. but nothing made any difference. It felt like my words were just travelling in one ear and out the other, they went to some of the meeting mum went to, but were powerless to the ‘professionals’ that never even came to talk to me from behind my bedroom door. The tutors and SALT knew me far more than those ‘professionals’. You can’t judge what someone can cope with when you haven’t even spoken to them directly, it makes no sense.

 

Metaphors don't work for everyone.

 

Can't help you much there other than potentially thinking of advice for specific things - but even then I don't think there are definite ways to go about things - some people get loads of help for the smallest thing - and then the people who need it are trapped in their lives and nobody listens. It's a rubbish system. All you can do is not give up - keep trying - even thought its wearing and tiring and disheartening... which it is - it sucks the life out of you - but I don't know about you - I aint no quitter - not until I've given it everything I've got - especially when it is something that shouldn't be quitted and your quality of life comes under that rule - don't quit - take a breather, get your mum to help you pull your ammo together again and try again and hit 'em with the new things you've learned - needs a lot of googling :)

 

 

 

Yeah, I can imagine I will continue to get that feeling; it isn’t easy to live with by any means. AS, and time play a huge keys in things like this. No, I certainly don’t think my cousin has these difficulties; she is so confident that she can speak up if someone is horrible to her, the only problem being that she gets kicked in the face because of it, so in a sense it’s a double edged sword. She is far better at socialising than I ever was. She even came out and said to me “I don’t think you have autism”. Through everything that has happened and the effects of time and her advancing and me feeling as if I’m detracting, it has caused me to avoid seeing her. I couldn’t see her at Christmas because of it and ever since then. When I talked to her on the telephone, daggers felt as if they were penetrating my heart at every word.

 

To be honest the idea is very much like my speech and language therapist (SALT) suggested. Taking little steps she said, I said to her that I see the big picture always. It is a sound strategy and one I shall think about in greater detail, but it has to be in a way not thwart with emotional breakdowns in its route, some steps I could take but others are too much as you’ve said. It is something I think I’ll need to get my head around, it isn’t easy to follow this path, it is like trying to accept punishment, I think it may be difficult to follow through, :unsure:. For me, taking steps is definitely a slow and painful process no matter how you shake it, dealing with that may be one of the hardest things I could ever do. This is one objective that I don’t think will be completed in the next five years, it may take half my life, :unsure:, at least it looks that way.

 

Best wishes

 

Ichigo

 

That's a shame about your cousin and you not being able to get on - it happens sometimes - focus on what you are doing, just because she's doing better in her life doesn't mean you are less of a person. We each have our own way through things Ichigo, and we all take different amounts of time to learn.

 

Yep, I'm totally for taking the little steps - and believe me I know how frustrating that is - it can feel very demeaning taking little steps when you see people everywhere else leaping about with ease - I guess it's important to focus on your own progress sometimes - but if you find someone who inspires you, learn as much as you can from them!

 

Progress.

 

You struggle on, it feels like you are getting nowhere, and because you aren't satisfied with your progress, because the bar moves, the goals change, there's always something else to learn, do, understand, something that is hard, never good enough. So many things it feels impossible. Everything is so ###### hard.

 

And this is the most honest truth I can tell you about progress...

 

One day you look back and see you have made progress - when that happens, for god sake acknowledge the achievement, give yourself credit and be pleased that even though you have far to go, you have achieved something,

 

If you don't do that you'll end up like me - I have next to no sense of achievement, nothing is good enough, I'm never satisfied, I'm dismissive "so I did that - who cares? I still have to do another thousand things" - it isn't healthy.

 

So when you take a small step say "yeah! I did that" just for a moment before you start looking for the next thing. It's really important!!

 

Best

 

Darkshine

 

And sorry for taking so long again :)

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One day you will be more sure - I felt the same way to start with - and for many years before I even joined this forum too - unfortunately I did not have such a close relationship with my mum when I was your age :)

 

That's all you can do mate, keep taking those steps, there may be bumps in the road, but in time you sometimes learn how to avoid the potholes (as in after enough years you get to tell certain things that are really confusing for you now).

 

darkshine, I am sorry that you didn’t have a close relationship with your mum when you were my age. I think I would be lost if mum wasn’t there to support me one way or another. I can drive her crazy with my OCD, sensory issues, and constant worries, but yes, we have a close bond. To be honest, if something happened to her, I worry about my future, :unsure:. She is the pillar holding me up, I know that if I was alone I would be crushed in mere seconds, :(. I think, at times, I can tell whether or not I can cope in the future, in one way, or another.

 

Well, time can be harsh, but yes, I can see the wise words you’ve spoken, but viewing the future is never easy. I always see my own destruction in my head, :unsure:. Avoiding potholes, sometimes I think by over worrying I may be pulling myself into some potholes, :lol:; I worry that I did something wrong, so sometimes I pursue the possible problem but, in the end, I think I make things worse by inquiring, and maybe think that I should have left it alone. Inside, I know that I couldn't help but worry if I am not able to confirm what could be wrong first. Other times I think that I shouldn't pursue it in case I make things worse, such as rush people and such. I think I just need confirmation in the end.

 

Today I had to go to town for an eye-test and the person I was with had to go do something, so I stood in front of as shop waiting for them to come back (I made sure the window I was standing in front of was the one with the massive display preventing people behind me seeing me).

 

While I was standing there this bloke pulled his bicycle up to a place where people can lock their bikes, and he looked up and saw me looking at him, I looked away straight away, but after about 20 seconds I looked back in his direction (he was about 12-15 foot away) and he was looking at me and I don't know what he was thinking but he looked totally creeped out - like I'd offended him or he thought I was going to attack him or something.

 

All I did was catch his eye, I wasn't staring, I don't know why he kept looking at me with this expression of - well - it didn't look positive!!!

 

Maybe the way we act is the problem - I'd need someone to film me to see what I'm doing as I'm not always aware of what my face looks like :lol:

 

My mum said that you sounded just like me when you said that. As I said, I worry over things like that too, that is why I wondered whether I acted right or not. I worried that I missed out a hidden message, something that I perhaps should have picked up on, but was too scared to think.

 

I always want to confirm that I am not making a mistake, as mistakes, to me, could prove fatal, as I don’t want to be on the bad side of anyone. After losing my secondary school friend, it has really shown me what happens when things go wrong, so I don’t want to make that same mistake again. I also don’t want to miss out on something that may present itself, but tackle it in my own way.

 

I know - you described it very well - do you respond too late too? And then it feels weird cuz your out of synch. I say things that don't make sense sometimes too cuz I misunderstand or mishear people.

 

I have even walked past members of my family in the street and not seen them because I'm so focused on doing what I'm doing and getting it over with as fast as possible - people have literally had to jump out in front of me to make me see them - I've also offended people this way (the people who didn't know to jump in front of me).

 

I aint no great positive person - but it can get better - it takes work and hell and effort - but it can - just remember that when things get you down.

 

About taking too late and saying weird things, well, when my anxiety is so high I jump straight for my mum, if I don’t then, depending on the subject and the complexity of it, I may just say something like, “uh…uh…uh…I’m sorry, I’m not sure” or I respond with a response but I get very shaken up.

 

Social wise, I am always worried whether I may make things worse when it comes to worrying over whether I am doing the right thing or not. When writing I worry I send too much, then I worry that the other person is too shocked to respond to me. Ever since I began writing to my old primary school friend, to you and others on this forum I felt “Am I saying this right? Do they understand me? Have I offended someone? Did I write too much? Am I overwhelming people?” I feel like I need to confirm that what I am saying or doing is not wrong. I have always badgered my mum over my worries in social interaction ever since writing to that old friend. I can’t help it, making a mistake is something I desperately wish to avoid, as I don’t want to be on the bad side of anyone. Being on the bad side of someone is something I would feel awful about if it happened, so I try to confirm I don’t make an error, but by pursuing it, I worry that I may metaphorically shoot myself in the foot in the process.

 

I can just picture wanting to be over and done with whilst ignoring everyone in your path, I can relate to that very well. I think by being shaken up when responding to someone, puts me in that state as well. I just want to run, escape through the nearest exit. When I did my exams down in my living room with my speech and language therapist (SALT), with her back facing me, as the invigilator and my mum was allowed to be present, I was looking at the door, wide open, and at the SALT to see if she may see me out of the corner of her eye. I felt like if she turned around even once, then I would shoot up those stairs faster than lightening. So I can completely understand how you feel.

 

Not being a positive thinker, well, for me, I think that can probably be obvious from my messages now, :lol:, but seriously, after that incident at school it had really shaken my trust to its core, and especially after the pain that the local authority and such are causing and have caused my mum and me.

 

Metaphors don't work for everyone.

 

Can't help you much there other than potentially thinking of advice for specific things - but even then I don't think there are definite ways to go about things - some people get loads of help for the smallest thing - and then the people who need it are trapped in their lives and nobody listens. It's a rubbish system. All you can do is not give up - keep trying - even thought its wearing and tiring and disheartening... which it is - it sucks the life out of you - but I don't know about you - I aint no quitter - not until I've given it everything I've got - especially when it is something that shouldn't be quitted and your quality of life comes under that rule - don't quit - take a breather, get your mum to help you pull your ammo together again and try again and hit 'em with the new things you've learned - needs a lot of googling :)

 

I can fully understand, we as the people that are trapped behind our houses and bedroom doors are not seen. We get ignored because we are too ‘difficult’ to understand and help. Helping without understanding will only hurt us, I can see that would so easily be the case. We are human beings just as much as the next person, the pain we go through is real, we can’t help being in an awkward situation. It is not our fault we ended up like that, for me, it is the trauma that I went though that caused that to happen.

 

I hope you read these next paragraphs with an open mind, the trauma the system has caused me, my mum, and my sister is major.

 

The system is worse still when your family had been split up when you were a baby. This is exactly what happened with me. Social services, very unfortunately, got involved and split us up. As it is very painful and difficult to explain and something that if not read with an open mind could be misunderstood, at this moment in time, it is too difficult and painful to talk about.

 

Social services are in this 139a document, and there is no way I am signing something with the very people that destroyed my family, on all sides, when I was younger. Growing up I have learnt on many occasions to avoid them. They tried to get my oma (grandma in German) to sign a document, that was incorrect and had she not refused stating that my mum and my auntie needed to be present, then she would have been given a care package that didn’t fit her needs. I even heard, when oma was in hospital, someone in the same ward said to avoid social services after the fact that they never provided their great grandma with a bath lift, when they should have. All these experiences and more taught me to stay 100 feet away from them as possible. I do not trust them in the least, they cause more harm than good in my opinion. If there is anyone else on this forum that has a support worker or social services involved with them, then that’s fine for them, but not for me. I will never want to step anywhere near anything they are involved in, as I don’t want my life to be destroyed as well. Whether they mean to or not, I believe they are far too rough and never consider the person they are talking to, just to fulfil their objectives as fast as possible.

 

I had talked to a connexions advisor, one that had worked in the social workers department, from behind my bedroom door once. She turned around and said something like, “Don’t you want to be educated? Then you should go to college”, she knew my problem, and that no one came to help me. I explained my difficulties nevertheless, she turned around and asked the same question again, and over and over again, until I said something like, “I’m sorry, but I have already answered you, I would only go over the same thing time and time again otherwise” Then she turned around and said something like, “We don’t always get what we want”, I thought, “You are a connexions advisor, you’re supposed to help by understanding and finding a solution that works for the young person. You’re not supposed to kick us in the face, saying that you have to do this whether you like it or not” That is the cruelty that I have felt from the local authority first hand, now if I have to go out and willingly accept that, then I’ll never make it in life. I am supposed to be getting help to get education up to the age of 25, as I am classed as a disabled person. I am not getting that help, as they are not seeing the reasons why I can’t sign the document. I was taught behind my bedroom door, I cannot jump into a situation I cannot cope with and they’ve known it since my statement of educational needs ended. How do they expect me to go to a college after that and the trauma that got caused to me at school?

 

My mum fights and fights and the local authority never understand, sometimes I think they enjoy making things worse. I am sick of it, I feel like the system couldn’t care less. I am reaching out this way, as it is my way of fighting, my way of trying to find help, whilst my mum tackles the other side. I also don’t want to watch as my fate turns dark, I want to fight, in my own way.

 

That's a shame about your cousin and you not being able to get on - it happens sometimes - focus on what you are doing, just because she's doing better in her life doesn't mean you are less of a person. We each have our own way through things Ichigo, and we all take different amounts of time to learn.

 

It will be my 21st birthday soon, and I feel too worried that that pain will be brought out stronger if I saw her, so I will be going down to oma’s on my birthday with my mum, alone, without my cousin there. I don’t think I could cope with seeing her there; the pain will grow again as soon as I looked at her face or heard her voice. I feel no ill feelings towards my cousin but the pain is too great, I feel that I need to achieve something worthwhile before I am able to see her face again. I could have thought that coming onto this site would be one way, but I really don’t know if that is enough to avert the pain. The pain is strongly positioned in education, and I know the difficulty I would have pursuing the reason for that depression. If I saw her face and voice, I think I would scream inside, head upstairs in oma’s house and cry on the bed, out of pain.

 

Yep, I'm totally for taking the little steps - and believe me I know how frustrating that is - it can feel very demeaning taking little steps when you see people everywhere else leaping about with ease - I guess it's important to focus on your own progress sometimes - but if you find someone who inspires you, learn as much as you can from them!

 

Progress.

 

You struggle on, it feels like you are getting nowhere, and because you aren't satisfied with your progress, because the bar moves, the goals change, there's always something else to learn, do, understand, something that is hard, never good enough. So many things it feels impossible. Everything is so ###### hard.

 

And this is the most honest truth I can tell you about progress...

 

One day you look back and see you have made progress - when that happens, for god sake acknowledge the achievement, give yourself credit and be pleased that even though you have far to go, you have achieved something,

 

If you don't do that you'll end up like me - I have next to no sense of achievement, nothing is good enough, I'm never satisfied, I'm dismissive "so I did that - who cares? I still have to do another thousand things" - it isn't healthy.

 

So when you take a small step say "yeah! I did that" just for a moment before you start looking for the next thing. It's really important!!

 

Where can I find someone that could inspire me, who else has been behind their bedroom door, and managed to succeed?

 

Acknowledging my achievements, well, I can understand that, I don’t think I fully thought about them much. I am always about self improvements, I never look at the achievements I’ve made, if I did, I fear I may become stagnant and never get anywhere. I thought there was a saying that pride comes before a fall, I thought that was the same.

When it comes to social interaction, then I suppose coming on here and talking to that old friend are achievements in themselves. Yes, I can see what you’re saying, but the steps that may come up in the future seem a lot bigger than those I have already walked across.

 

If I looked back on the educational and general changes then it would be the fact that I lost a lot of weight, became skilled at photography and such, but bragging and boasting about achievements is not me. I always want to improve myself, learn something new, I don’t like to stay on one subject, I like many subjects, and those that I am not skilled at I want to learn to be able to do something else. In some respects I’d want to be a jack-of-all-trades around the subjects I am interested in. I don’t want to learn many things only to be skilled at nothing, but I do want to do some things that I feel enjoyment out of.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

 

And sorry for taking so long again :)

 

Thank you for replying to me, I understand that it takes you some time to reply, don’t worry, I can understand, :). I just hope I’m not overloading you, :unsure:.

 

Best wishes

Ichigo

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darkshine, I am sorry that you didn’t have a close relationship with your mum when you were my age. I think I would be lost if mum wasn’t there to support me one way or another. I can drive her crazy with my OCD, sensory issues, and constant worries, but yes, we have a close bond. To be honest, if something happened to her, I worry about my future, :unsure:. She is the pillar holding me up, I know that if I was alone I would be crushed in mere seconds, :(. I think, at times, I can tell whether or not I can cope in the future, in one way, or another.

 

In one way it was good that I wasn't close to my mum because I ran away and life got worse and after a decade of hell I am finally learning how to make things slightly better. Running away was a really dumbass thing to do, but I know that if my mum had been as good as yours, then it would have taken me longer to try things cuz if you imagine that you are holding this massive weight and someone else is willing to take the slack all the time, then when would you build up your own muscles (whether in the mind or the body)?

 

It's like talking, I struggle like hell to talk to certain people - well - most people - but if I am in a meeting and I'm sitting there going ummmm errrr ummm and I feel a total prat and I know if my friend is there I will look to him and he'll talk for me... well I could do that forever I guess, but what if my friend isn't always there? What if he dies? Then what would happen? So I began teaching myself to talk some of the time - it is very very hard and it takes a number of attempts to get across what I mean - and everything takes so much longer to work out - but I felt it was important to do.

 

The thing is Ichigo, it is great that you have your mum, and while she can help you then it isn't wrong to accept that help - but at some point you need to meet her halfway, because being a mum isn't an easy job to do, and neither is being a son, but you succeeding is what she would want to see - even if it takes you a decade to do it - I think she is proud of where you've got to so far, but you need to go further mate, and when you work out how you want to do that, you have a brilliant thing there because you know your mum will help you if she can, and maybe she will be the driving force for you for now, because sometimes it is easier to start off doing things for someone else if you can't do it for yourself, and you've got such a big leap to make in life from where you are now, where it is safe enough, controlled, limited even - but then limited is safe isn't it? Then there's the big bad world that is full of uncertainties, it is unpredictable and harsh - but it's what we are supposed to do - we have to get out there and experience it, and having someone to support us is great.

 

Coping mechanisms is the first thing to concentrate on, how much can you expose yourself to the world before you crack? I can handle a bit of it but I struggle like hell for so many reasons... but it's like exposure to something - if you saw a shocking image today, something that was so horrible you felt ill, if you saw that image every day for a year, would it still have the same effect? Sometimes yes, but sometimes you would get accustomed to it - and the world is like that - there's some things that you can get used to - you may not be comfortable or like it - but you can get to a point where it isn't total hell. Where the problem comes is when you go out there, something happens and you think "######, I'm not doing that again" and then it impossible.

 

I think too much - people often tell me I think too much - and sometimes they are right, because if I think of going out my door right now I feel sick at the thought, I think of all the stuff out there that makes me feel negative stuff and before I know it I haven't gone out for a week...

 

Well, time can be harsh, but yes, I can see the wise words you’ve spoken, but viewing the future is never easy. I always see my own destruction in my head, :unsure:. Avoiding potholes, sometimes I think by over worrying I may be pulling myself into some potholes, :lol:; I worry that I did something wrong, so sometimes I pursue the possible problem but, in the end, I think I make things worse by inquiring, and maybe think that I should have left it alone. Inside, I know that I couldn't help but worry if I am not able to confirm what could be wrong first. Other times I think that I shouldn't pursue it in case I make things worse, such as rush people and such. I think I just need confirmation in the end.

 

Yeah, like me thinking too much :lol: I've been in a lot of potholes - but I've learned to avoid some of them - think of it like this, when you were a really little kid, like 5 or 6, even though life may have been really complicated then, it wasn't so bad because this whole "world" thing wasn't quite so urgent in your life. Now you are an age where it is, you see people doing stuff and know that you aren't, and then there's all these problems in life (like depression, anxiety, SPD etc) and that makes it harder still. then the world hardly makes it easy for us - so that's another problem - so isn't it easier to think of all these things that are wrong with the world? Maybe, I've certainly spent more than enough time thinking about it. But I can't change it. So where does that leave me? Or you? It's all back to choices I'm afraid, even with all the problems there is still a choice - yeah, sometimes we react and think later - but that still gives us a choice as to what we try to do next time.

 

Another problem between being that little kid and being an adult is that some parts of our brain may still have that element of childishness - and as far as I'm concerned that is ok - but not when it stops you living something of a life. It also makes things difficult when trying to do stuff - we were talking about little steps? Well they can feel demeaning as an adult - it's one thing going into some place knowing your mum will be right outside when you are 5, it feels different when you have to do that as an adult and you know other people aren't doing that and it feels dumb, I have had to do that to get out the house and it was a very degrading experience for me - but it shouldn't matter as long as you get what you want. Just one example - don't know if you feel that way sometimes too...

 

My mum said that you sounded just like me when you said that. As I said, I worry over things like that too, that is why I wondered whether I acted right or not. I worried that I missed out a hidden message, something that I perhaps should have picked up on, but was too scared to think.

 

:lol: That's why I told you - I tend to not tell people on here stuff like that too often - but after hearing how you felt in that store, I felt that you would like to hear how it isn't just you. I don't like people looking at me, I feel like they can see inside me, and I don't like how I don't understand certain facial expressions, they might look sort of similar to other expressions and in the time that I am standing there trying to work it out I already look a weirdo, and it disrupts action like talking or reacting because the problem I was working out in my head was bigger than the social situation I was in. It makes things mismatched and disorganised and it makes me have bad timing, I also say stuff I don't mean to because my brain just doesn't filter it sometimes and then I offend people or they think I am rude.

 

And that's ignoring the fact that so much of social situations works on shallow levels that everyone else just seems to automatically understand but I have to sit and work out. It gets better as you get older and understand some of the more simpler rules, but it can still be highly distressing and confusing.

 

If that example I gave you from last week was from a couple of years ago I would have had to have moved from outside the store cuz it would have been so bad - and then I would have just gone home, leaving my friend wondering where the hell I'd gone - all cuz some guy looked at me weirdly for several seconds. Whereas now, I managed to concentrate on a pigeon and focused on that til he went away and then it was ok again :lol: hardly brilliance but better than running home!

 

I always want to confirm that I am not making a mistake, as mistakes, to me, could prove fatal, as I don’t want to be on the bad side of anyone. After losing my secondary school friend, it has really shown me what happens when things go wrong, so I don’t want to make that same mistake again. I also don’t want to miss out on something that may present itself, but tackle it in my own way.

 

About taking too late and saying weird things, well, when my anxiety is so high I jump straight for my mum, if I don’t then, depending on the subject and the complexity of it, I may just say something like, “uh…uh…uh…I’m sorry, I’m not sure” or I respond with a response but I get very shaken up.

 

Social wise, I am always worried whether I may make things worse when it comes to worrying over whether I am doing the right thing or not. When writing I worry I send too much, then I worry that the other person is too shocked to respond to me. Ever since I began writing to my old primary school friend, to you and others on this forum I felt “Am I saying this right? Do they understand me? Have I offended someone? Did I write too much? Am I overwhelming people?” I feel like I need to confirm that what I am saying or doing is not wrong. I have always badgered my mum over my worries in social interaction ever since writing to that old friend. I can’t help it, making a mistake is something I desperately wish to avoid, as I don’t want to be on the bad side of anyone. Being on the bad side of someone is something I would feel awful about if it happened, so I try to confirm I don’t make an error, but by pursuing it, I worry that I may metaphorically shoot myself in the foot in the process.

 

I feel that way about mistakes too - but I have come to learn something that is pretty important... if you try to avoid every mistake then nothing ever happens because you can't possibly know what every single mistake is.

 

Mistakes are there for a reason, they exist for us to learn, you touch the iron when it's hot and burn yourself, you learn to test it first so it doesn't happen again - sure, you might forget one time and burn yourself again, but you'll remember harder to test the heat to reduce it happening again.

 

Nobody is perfect. Nobody, And as soon as you learn that you can become a better person because of your mistakes, you might be less worried about making some. Some of the most interesting people I have met are hopelessly flawed in certain things, but it makes them inspiring that they carry on anyway, that takes guts.

 

It is natural to worry when you have found life so confusing and awkward and difficult - of course you seek reassurance, confirmation, answers to all the things you don't know - it is a sign that you are trying to learn - but there are other ways of confirming things without having to worry about everything like that.

 

Take me for example - at times I do too much so I don't leave much time, and then I have to deicide what to deal with first, so I might put my reply to your post on hold for a while - because of my bad time management. This week I have been feeling pretty ill and some things are easier to think about than other things.

 

You don't overwhelm me - but you do make me think - that is fine, I don't mind thinking, and I don't mind the time it takes to reply.

 

You aren't doing anything wrong - but you know how you can really tell - with me at least - I still come back and answer you - even with bad time management skills lol.

 

I like you, your mind reminds me of mine at your age - yes our situations were different and are different - but it is due to that difference that we get to learn more.

 

I would say don't worry - but you are going to worry anyway - I know that from my own experiences, from having my mind screaming for answers and reassurance and certainty - but there are ways to tell sometimes - and I quite frequently just ask if I am not sure - the hardest thing is to not ask over and over again because a day later I am not so sure of their answer - I've learned to try not to do that so much - but in my mind I still think it!

 

 

Not being a positive thinker, well, for me, I think that can probably be obvious from my messages now, :lol:, but seriously, after that incident at school it had really shaken my trust to its core, and especially after the pain that the local authority and such are causing and have caused my mum and me.

 

I can fully understand, we as the people that are trapped behind our houses and bedroom doors are not seen. We get ignored because we are too ‘difficult’ to understand and help. Helping without understanding will only hurt us, I can see that would so easily be the case. We are human beings just as much as the next person, the pain we go through is real, we can’t help being in an awkward situation. It is not our fault we ended up like that, for me, it is the trauma that I went though that caused that to happen.

 

I find it hard to trust too, and at your age I used to stock up every bad experience as evidence of my failures and the harshness of the world and people in it - but when I kept doing that - it just reminded me all the time of how bad everything was/is. There are small pieces of the world that aren't like that and you have to find them, because as much as positivity is impossible, negativity is destructive. Use realism as the midway point - is every authority bad? Every single authority in the world? Or is it just some? Or even most? But even saying most authorities are bad is less damaging that thinking ALL authority is bad - is your mum not an authority in one sense? I bet she tells you what to do sometimes :lol: do you understand? That school experience is very real for you and it has effected your life a lot - but one day you are going to have to say - "that was then, this is now, that school cannot touch me any more, I won't give them the satisfaction" because I am pretty sure Ichigo, that the people who did that to you are not giving it a second thought - so it makes no sense for you to ruin your life because of them. One day you might see that.

 

Yes, we are hidden and often silent, and the pain and trauma is very real and damaging - and it's worse that they don't see that they do it to us - they go off about their merry little lives and don't think twice - which is why we have to learn to improve our defences and stuff, because we have a right to live too. I wish I could make the system understand and get you the help you want and need, I think you have the signs of being a very capable young man if you got given the chance to have a go without recrimination and judgement making things impossible, unfortunately I have no influence over that at all - but what I can say is that somewhere inside you there is something that can do things - you just have to find your own way - and there are some good people out there who can guide you. This is the hardest time for you because you are trying to work all this stuff out, and it's a lot to work out - but I also know that sometimes you have to give things a shot despite all those risks and costs, because stagnation is not an option.

 

 

I hope you read these next paragraphs with an open mind, the trauma the system has caused me, my mum, and my sister is major.

 

The system is worse still when your family had been split up when you were a baby. This is exactly what happened with me. Social services, very unfortunately, got involved and split us up. As it is very painful and difficult to explain and something that if not read with an open mind could be misunderstood, at this moment in time, it is too difficult and painful to talk about.

 

Social services are in this 139a document, and there is no way I am signing something with the very people that destroyed my family, on all sides, when I was younger. Growing up I have learnt on many occasions to avoid them. They tried to get my oma (grandma in German) to sign a document, that was incorrect and had she not refused stating that my mum and my auntie needed to be present, then she would have been given a care package that didn’t fit her needs. I even heard, when oma was in hospital, someone in the same ward said to avoid social services after the fact that they never provided their great grandma with a bath lift, when they should have. All these experiences and more taught me to stay 100 feet away from them as possible. I do not trust them in the least, they cause more harm than good in my opinion. If there is anyone else on this forum that has a support worker or social services involved with them, then that’s fine for them, but not for me. I will never want to step anywhere near anything they are involved in, as I don’t want my life to be destroyed as well. Whether they mean to or not, I believe they are far too rough and never consider the person they are talking to, just to fulfil their objectives as fast as possible.

 

I had talked to a connexions advisor, one that had worked in the social workers department, from behind my bedroom door once. She turned around and said something like, “Don’t you want to be educated? Then you should go to college”, she knew my problem, and that no one came to help me. I explained my difficulties nevertheless, she turned around and asked the same question again, and over and over again, until I said something like, “I’m sorry, but I have already answered you, I would only go over the same thing time and time again otherwise” Then she turned around and said something like, “We don’t always get what we want”, I thought, “You are a connexions advisor, you’re supposed to help by understanding and finding a solution that works for the young person. You’re not supposed to kick us in the face, saying that you have to do this whether you like it or not” That is the cruelty that I have felt from the local authority first hand, now if I have to go out and willingly accept that, then I’ll never make it in life. I am supposed to be getting help to get education up to the age of 25, as I am classed as a disabled person. I am not getting that help, as they are not seeing the reasons why I can’t sign the document. I was taught behind my bedroom door, I cannot jump into a situation I cannot cope with and they’ve known it since my statement of educational needs ended. How do they expect me to go to a college after that and the trauma that got caused to me at school?

 

My mum fights and fights and the local authority never understand, sometimes I think they enjoy making things worse. I am sick of it, I feel like the system couldn’t care less. I am reaching out this way, as it is my way of fighting, my way of trying to find help, whilst my mum tackles the other side. I also don’t want to watch as my fate turns dark, I want to fight, in my own way.

 

I read everything I can with as open a mind as possible Ichigo, and there's a lot that as happened that has been either very bad or wrong for you and your family.

 

I don't like social services and have heard several horror stories - but I have also heard some cases where they have been brilliant. That is the problem with people you see, people and money, because each area of the country gets different amounts to do stuff with, and then it all depends what kind of person you see too.

 

Social services has come along in some ways, it is better than 10 years ago for example, but there are still faults, massive ones.

 

They shouldn't have tried pushing your oma to sign things - but this is where you need to understand the nature of the beast as they say, the people in those jobs have these forms with loads of little checkboxes to tick, they have a boss pushing them to tick those boxes, and some of those people don't do things the right way to get those boxes ticked - and yes that is wrong - but they are just people, some are in the wrong job, some are under pressure, some have given up and are merely functioning like robots, and some actually do care.

 

I'm not involved with SS, I'm in the other oh so wonderful system (sarcasm) of the mental health services - and boy aint that just a whole load of other rubbish :wallbash: the thing is - sometimes you have to work with the idiots in order to get anything done.

 

With this document, the one for your education, so you;ve got you on one side saying what you need, and you have them on the other side saying that you should just magically go to college - if you are dead-set that you want more education then the most likely answer is compromise - or it is delaying things while other things get put into place (like helping you out with your SPD and anxiety - which is clearly a big part of why you can't do what they want). Until someone gives a little you are gonna be stuck in a deadlock with it. You have to ask what you can do to compromise - then get your mum to offer that compromise and really point it out to them that you are trying to meet them in the middle somewhere - and see if they are willing to look at other ways around this, but as I see it they either need to help you with the problems that are preventing you from going to college - or they have to come up with another way around it - bringing college to you is a very expensive option, and not the most likely - but could you attend college if there was a one-to-one tutor? If you could find one you liked? Can you compromise on what you want to learn? Or where? Is there any way you can think of that would be moving towards what they want, but not so far that you can't actually achieve it (it's one thing saying that you'll go to college - but only you know what you can and can't do, and what you are willing to try to do).

 

It will be my 21st birthday soon, and I feel too worried that that pain will be brought out stronger if I saw her, so I will be going down to oma’s on my birthday with my mum, alone, without my cousin there. I don’t think I could cope with seeing her there; the pain will grow again as soon as I looked at her face or heard her voice. I feel no ill feelings towards my cousin but the pain is too great, I feel that I need to achieve something worthwhile before I am able to see her face again. I could have thought that coming onto this site would be one way, but I really don’t know if that is enough to avert the pain. The pain is strongly positioned in education, and I know the difficulty I would have pursuing the reason for that depression. If I saw her face and voice, I think I would scream inside, head upstairs in oma’s house and cry on the bed, out of pain.

 

I think the answer then is to have a nice little quiet event that you are comfortable with - I don't think the problem is really your cousin though, not exactly, I mean that of course the things she said made you feel bad, but I also think that it is as much about you being angry that she's leaving you behind and then pointing it all out in an insensitive way that is making you feel bad. So that as it stands now the problem is really yours, because she's doing things you can;t and that sucks big time - if you want to prove yourself that's fine - but you have to do it for yourself.

 

One of the things that really gets to me in life is being left behind, it's painful and demotivating to be left behind, but I guess we are all on our own journey and we won't always go at the same speed or in the same direction.

 

Where can I find someone that could inspire me, who else has been behind their bedroom door, and managed to succeed?

 

The first part of that question is impossible to answer :lol: where indeed? Well, you just never know Ichigo, you could meet someone online, you could look at your family, your oma or your mum, your could look at great writers, scientists, historians, whatever floats ya boat really.

 

Inspiration can come in many forms, I look at some of the older people on here, and see that they are further in their life's journey than me, and it gives me hope that I can get further. Certain things people say can inspire me. But it has to come from what matters to you.

 

I think that the key thing in part two of your question is that there might be a few people out there in the world who have succeeded from behind the door - probably in the world of the internet - but that seems like the wrong battle - the battle is not succeeding from behind the door - it is getting out from behind the door in order to succeed that is the real battle.

 

Of the last decade I have spent a very very large percentage behind closed doors, and then when I go out into the world, there's more closed doors, but I have all the fears you have about the future and about time, and the fact of the matter is, the world is outside your door, somehow the answer lies there...

 

If I ever succeed I'll inspire you :lol: but it won't be from behind my bedroom door (which is where I am right now as I am not feeling great) it will be outside the house, cuz that;s where everything is.

 

You could always attempt to become an internet superstar I guess - but that's not really addressing the problem of being behind your door... the internet is a tool you can use in any way you think of - I use it for learning, for socialising on this forum and via email, and for studying. I also use it for fun sometimes - but to be honest, I don't want to have to live my life this way for much longer - I didn't have the internet at your age - maybe you can learn stuff quicker than I did - who knows - but you certainly have a head start :)

 

Acknowledging my achievements, well, I can understand that, I don’t think I fully thought about them much. I am always about self improvements, I never look at the achievements I’ve made, if I did, I fear I may become stagnant and never get anywhere. I thought there was a saying that pride comes before a fall, I thought that was the same.

When it comes to social interaction, then I suppose coming on here and talking to that old friend are achievements in themselves. Yes, I can see what you’re saying, but the steps that may come up in the future seem a lot bigger than those I have already walked across.

 

If I looked back on the educational and general changes then it would be the fact that I lost a lot of weight, became skilled at photography and such, but bragging and boasting about achievements is not me. I always want to improve myself, learn something new, I don’t like to stay on one subject, I like many subjects, and those that I am not skilled at I want to learn to be able to do something else. In some respects I’d want to be a jack-of-all-trades around the subjects I am interested in. I don’t want to learn many things only to be skilled at nothing, but I do want to do some things that I feel enjoyment out of.

 

Achievements are just stepping stones, I think you can say you achieved something and not worry about stagnating - the fact you've thought it indicates that you wouldn't let that happen. There is a saying about pride coming before a fall - but I'm not saying turn into an up of himself idiot lol, just to acknowledge sometimes that you did something, and for a while feel good that you did! You know yourself that if you did something that was hard and succeeded, you wouldn't just say "well, that'll do me for the next 20 years" - not with a fear of time and the future - that fear will keep you looking for the next thing - just acknowledge - that is all. Consider making a chart, book or computer file about what you want, need and have to do, make a checklist, tick it off, if your plans change, change the list, but by visually ticking things off, you will see what you have done. If your into maths you could even chart it lol - nobody's saying turn into an egomaniac, humble and grounded is fine, and that's better than being negative and dismissing of what you actually do achieve - it's a personal thing really, you could do it with your mum's help too if you wanted some outside input, when things are hard and you manage to do them then it is good to simply say "yes, I did that", it doesn't require pride necessarily, just knowing that you have done something that was difficult to do ;)

 

I am a jack of all trades, and I like being that way, it's more interesting.

 

What things would you like to do to get enjoyment out of?

 

Best wishes

 

Darkshine

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In one way it was good that I wasn't close to my mum because I ran away and life got worse and after a decade of hell I am finally learning how to make things slightly better. Running away was a really dumbass thing to do, but I know that if my mum had been as good as yours, then it would have taken me longer to try things cuz if you imagine that you are holding this massive weight and someone else is willing to take the slack all the time, then when would you build up your own muscles (whether in the mind or the body)?

 

It's like talking, I struggle like hell to talk to certain people - well - most people - but if I am in a meeting and I'm sitting there going ummmm errrr ummm and I feel a total prat and I know if my friend is there I will look to him and he'll talk for me... well I could do that forever I guess, but what if my friend isn't always there? What if he dies? Then what would happen? So I began teaching myself to talk some of the time - it is very very hard and it takes a number of attempts to get across what I mean - and everything takes so much longer to work out - but I felt it was important to do.

 

The thing is Ichigo, it is great that you have your mum, and while she can help you then it isn't wrong to accept that help - but at some point you need to meet her halfway, because being a mum isn't an easy job to do, and neither is being a son, but you succeeding is what she would want to see - even if it takes you a decade to do it - I think she is proud of where you've got to so far, but you need to go further mate, and when you work out how you want to do that, you have a brilliant thing there because you know your mum will help you if she can, and maybe she will be the driving force for you for now, because sometimes it is easier to start off doing things for someone else if you can't do it for yourself, and you've got such a big leap to make in life from where you are now, where it is safe enough, controlled, limited even - but then limited is safe isn't it? Then there's the big bad world that is full of uncertainties, it is unpredictable and harsh - but it's what we are supposed to do - we have to get out there and experience it, and having someone to support us is great.

 

Coping mechanisms is the first thing to concentrate on, how much can you expose yourself to the world before you crack? I can handle a bit of it but I struggle like hell for so many reasons... but it's like exposure to something - if you saw a shocking image today, something that was so horrible you felt ill, if you saw that image every day for a year, would it still have the same effect? Sometimes yes, but sometimes you would get accustomed to it - and the world is like that - there's some things that you can get used to - you may not be comfortable or like it - but you can get to a point where it isn't total hell. Where the problem comes is when you go out there, something happens and you think "######, I'm not doing that again" and then it impossible.

 

I think too much - people often tell me I think too much - and sometimes they are right, because if I think of going out my door right now I feel sick at the thought, I think of all the stuff out there that makes me feel negative stuff and before I know it I haven't gone out for a week...

 

darkshine

 

Thank you for your reply, :).

 

I understand what you are saying, but sometimes, trying to attempt that becomes one of the hardest things to do. Metaphorically speaking, it is like I have to willingly sleep on a bed of nails. Yes, I understand that I will have to make that move, in some little things I am beginning to try, but there is a huge difference between one step and another. I can see that difference, and it looks and feels extremely difficult. I think I’d need some guidance in order to fulfil those steps.

 

A meeting, you mean as in an actual meeting with professionals and such?

 

Well, I could never go, for obvious reasons, but my mum had been to many, and every time, she came back in utter tears, and went straight to bed after being completely ignored by those professionals. That gives you some idea the hostility she faced at these meetings. I know that if I was sitting around those professionals, I would not only be screaming in my head, I most likely will run for the nearest exit. It would be like facing clones of my old PE teacher all around me. Then, I would be in an actual nightmare, of that I can be absolutely sure of. To teach myself to speak to people like that, that never even listen to a word you say, as they have their own agenda. I remember, with the help of my old English tutor, I wrote a descriptive document about the difficulties I have which was sent to a CAHMS psychiatrist for my care to be sent over to the adult CMHT. They took one look at it, and were more interested in my writing style, rather than its contents, they completely ignored it. Even if I was able to speak to them, what response would I get, they’d metaphorically walk all over me. I can see that would be the case, I don’t have to be there to know that. My mum has received many minutes from these meetings that were totally full of lies, things that were not said, and mum has had to spend hours trying to amend them, only for them to be shoved back in a folder with no one actually attempting to amend the minutes. Also in one particular meeting alone, seven action plans were noted to be done and not one of them was fulfilled. My mum had questioned them about it at the next meeting and was completely ignored. Believe it or not but at one of these meetings the then medical director of Berkshire healthcare trust attended as my mother was so disgusted at the lack of help and support I was not given.

 

I knew that at some point these harder points will be brought up. I know that there were times where my mum told me to try to go up to a shop clerk to buy a book or video game that I was buying. That was terrifying, but I suppose I did it, it never really got easy, I still feel anxious no matter how many times I do it. I think it highly depends on many things here.

 

1. If it is a familiar place, as you have visited the place many times already, then it may feel a little easier, as you have seen your surroundings and got used to how it looks.

 

2. If you are in the right mood; you could have too much anxiety one time, as an opposed to another. That is something to take into account as well.

 

3. As I have gone through an emotional breakdown at school, facing anything that resembles education in a structured environment will bring out that pain, causing me to crack.

 

As you have said when things go wrong then you wouldn’t want to do that again. I know that very well. When my mum asked me to buy a book in a shop while she went into another shop, after purchasing the book, shakily, I walked towards the stairs and all of a sudden, all the coins fell from my hands and fell down the steps, ah, it was awful. I panicked, but I tried my best to compose myself enough to pick what coins I could see and scarper. That was a nightmare. These are steps and mistakes in themselves, but some steps and mistakes are worse than others. There was another awkward situation when I was taking photographs of a building, a security guard came up to me, asked what I was doing, and asked me to delete my photos. I walked back to my mum shaking. There are times where the world likes pushing me to a limit of almost having a heart attack. After that I came back home and cried all afternoon and night long.

 

Yeah, like me thinking too much :lol: I've been in a lot of potholes - but I've learned to avoid some of them - think of it like this, when you were a really little kid, like 5 or 6, even though life may have been really complicated then, it wasn't so bad because this whole "world" thing wasn't quite so urgent in your life. Now you are an age where it is, you see people doing stuff and know that you aren't, and then there's all these problems in life (like depression, anxiety, SPD etc) and that makes it harder still. then the world hardly makes it easy for us - so that's another problem - so isn't it easier to think of all these things that are wrong with the world? Maybe, I've certainly spent more than enough time thinking about it. But I can't change it. So where does that leave me? Or you? It's all back to choices I'm afraid, even with all the problems there is still a choice - yeah, sometimes we react and think later - but that still gives us a choice as to what we try to do next time.

 

Another problem between being that little kid and being an adult is that some parts of our brain may still have that element of childishness - and as far as I'm concerned that is ok - but not when it stops you living something of a life. It also makes things difficult when trying to do stuff - we were talking about little steps? Well they can feel demeaning as an adult - it's one thing going into some place knowing your mum will be right outside when you are 5, it feels different when you have to do that as an adult and you know other people aren't doing that and it feels dumb, I have had to do that to get out the house and it was a very degrading experience for me - but it shouldn't matter as long as you get what you want. Just one example - don't know if you feel that way sometimes too...

 

Learning from mistakes, yes, I do understand that, and I have learnt to wait for my old primary school friend to reply to me.

 

In the bigger scheme of things, I have already been affected by the breakdown at school, in one sense it gave me a better learning environment for me, being behind my bedroom door. I understand that that only gets harder after some time, but it has helped me a great deal. I am glad I did, if I didn’t I would never have been able to write the volume I am, or the way I have, nor would I be able to speak the way I am, or pass the exams that I have.

 

If there is a situation where to achieve a step meant sitting in an area where learning takes place, whilst bringing horrible memories of the past to the forefront of your mind over what happened to you at school. Well, if I had to gain something I had to be in that environment, that would not help me, it would rather cause me pain.

 

The pain that school has caused me is not due to childishness; please don’t say that, it is the memory that is causing this pain. The pain is the bad memories from school, they are what are holding me back, the awareness of who I can and cannot trust. I learnt that very well. I cannot just say it never happened, or the past is the past, the present is the present. Because we learn from our mistakes, we don’t just ignore them and berserk our way through in spite of it. Surely that is reckless, no?

 

It being degrading, yes, I feel that way to at times. It comes down to the, patronising wave someone may give you as you are disabled, and such. I do know though that people need to understand my difficulties in order for them to make a compromise at times, there needs to be at least the important structures of a bridge, before I feel able to walk across it. I cannot take a leap of faith only to see that I missed by a few inches. They also need to bridge some of the gap before I make my move. I know that is the case, especially if it involves the bad memories I have of my past. They will be thrust into my eye view if I experience anything that triggers those memories.

 

:lol: That's why I told you - I tend to not tell people on here stuff like that too often - but after hearing how you felt in that store, I felt that you would like to hear how it isn't just you. I don't like people looking at me, I feel like they can see inside me, and I don't like how I don't understand certain facial expressions, they might look sort of similar to other expressions and in the time that I am standing there trying to work it out I already look a weirdo, and it disrupts action like talking or reacting because the problem I was working out in my head was bigger than the social situation I was in. It makes things mismatched and disorganised and it makes me have bad timing, I also say stuff I don't mean to because my brain just doesn't filter it sometimes and then I offend people or they think I am rude.

 

And that's ignoring the fact that so much of social situations works on shallow levels that everyone else just seems to automatically understand but I have to sit and work out. It gets better as you get older and understand some of the more simpler rules, but it can still be highly distressing and confusing.

 

If that example I gave you from last week was from a couple of years ago I would have had to have moved from outside the store cuz it would have been so bad - and then I would have just gone home, leaving my friend wondering where the hell I'd gone - all cuz some guy looked at me weirdly for several seconds. Whereas now, I managed to concentrate on a pigeon and focused on that til he went away and then it was ok again :lol: hardly brilliance but better than running home!

 

Yeah, it is awful, :unsure:. Not understanding, and then when things start to turn and become worse, that is why I responded to the girl in the store the way I did. I didn't want to stall and assess, I didn't want to look a fool. At the same time, I may lose out on whatever the expression meant, but I didn't want to get that annoyed expression like you did. In face-to-face social interaction it is always at times like that, that my AS shows up to me the most. Going home after that happened, I can understand the need to do that, but I knew that providing I avoided looking in that direction again, then I may not face it. Or at least think things through before it may have happened again, even though I couldn't have at the time.

 

I feel that way about mistakes too - but I have come to learn something that is pretty important... if you try to avoid every mistake then nothing ever happens because you can't possibly know what every single mistake is.

 

Mistakes are there for a reason, they exist for us to learn, you touch the iron when it's hot and burn yourself, you learn to test it first so it doesn't happen again - sure, you might forget one time and burn yourself again, but you'll remember harder to test the heat to reduce it happening again.

 

Nobody is perfect. Nobody, And as soon as you learn that you can become a better person because of your mistakes, you might be less worried about making some. Some of the most interesting people I have met are hopelessly flawed in certain things, but it makes them inspiring that they carry on anyway, that takes guts.

 

It is natural to worry when you have found life so confusing and awkward and difficult - of course you seek reassurance, confirmation, answers to all the things you don't know - it is a sign that you are trying to learn - but there are other ways of confirming things without having to worry about everything like that.

 

Take me for example - at times I do too much so I don't leave much time, and then I have to deicide what to deal with first, so I might put my reply to your post on hold for a while - because of my bad time management. This week I have been feeling pretty ill and some things are easier to think about than other things.

 

You don't overwhelm me - but you do make me think - that is fine, I don't mind thinking, and I don't mind the time it takes to reply.

 

You aren't doing anything wrong - but you know how you can really tell - with me at least - I still come back and answer you - even with bad time management skills lol.

 

I like you, your mind reminds me of mine at your age - yes our situations were different and are different - but it is due to that difference that we get to learn more.

 

I would say don't worry - but you are going to worry anyway - I know that from my own experiences, from having my mind screaming for answers and reassurance and certainty - but there are ways to tell sometimes - and I quite frequently just ask if I am not sure - the hardest thing is to not ask over and over again because a day later I am not so sure of their answer - I've learned to try not to do that so much - but in my mind I still think it!

 

When it comes to bad memories, they will always be in the forefront of your mind, just because I have tried something that circles around those bad memories, I know I will face the pain, no matter how many times I try. My mind has been tormented over what happened to me at school, which is one of the main reasons why I was unable to go to a college.

 

Facing a trauma and expecting to go through similar situations is going to land you in a lot of those worrying moments. Going through them may very well cause those memories to come out into the forefront of your mind, and time is another that will shake your ability, on top of the usual AS difficulties. That makes attempting things become even harder.

 

Yes, the fact that people do respond to me, but take some time, is still showing me that I am not necessarily making a mistake. It can be disconcerting though, facing nothing until you do get that response, leaves you guessing, :unsure:. Over the weekend I had a lot happening myself so I can completely understand; we are all available and able at different times.

 

Thank you, writing to you is nice as well, :), you also make me think, :lol:, so much so that it took me some time to respond as well, :unsure:.

 

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean, ah, it is definitely the case with me. I have learnt through writing to my old primary school friend to hold off on some responses. In the beginning I was very apologetic, self-punishing and such, but over time I try to focus more on current events rather than that. It is difficult for her to understand the whole, positive negative thing though. I think with some neurotypicals their idea of life is more the positive than seeing those negatives. They may find it so easy to forget, or ignore those wrongdoings, but it isn’t as easy for us.

 

I find it hard to trust too, and at your age I used to stock up every bad experience as evidence of my failures and the harshness of the world and people in it - but when I kept doing that - it just reminded me all the time of how bad everything was/is. There are small pieces of the world that aren't like that and you have to find them, because as much as positivity is impossible, negativity is destructive. Use realism as the midway point - is every authority bad? Every single authority in the world? Or is it just some? Or even most? But even saying most authorities are bad is less damaging that thinking ALL authority is bad - is your mum not an authority in one sense? I bet she tells you what to do sometimes :lol: do you understand? That school experience is very real for you and it has effected your life a lot - but one day you are going to have to say - "that was then, this is now, that school cannot touch me any more, I won't give them the satisfaction" because I am pretty sure Ichigo, that the people who did that to you are not giving it a second thought - so it makes no sense for you to ruin your life because of them. One day you might see that.

 

Yes, we are hidden and often silent, and the pain and trauma is very real and damaging - and it's worse that they don't see that they do it to us - they go off about their merry little lives and don't think twice - which is why we have to learn to improve our defences and stuff, because we have a right to live too. I wish I could make the system understand and get you the help you want and need, I think you have the signs of being a very capable young man if you got given the chance to have a go without recrimination and judgement making things impossible, unfortunately I have no influence over that at all - but what I can say is that somewhere inside you there is something that can do things - you just have to find your own way - and there are some good people out there who can guide you. This is the hardest time for you because you are trying to work all this stuff out, and it's a lot to work out - but I also know that sometimes you have to give things a shot despite all those risks and costs, because stagnation is not an option.

 

Thinking in such a way is easier said than done. Going through that trauma has been soul shattering, to go through that again, well, it is certainly not something I would relish in the least. I know what you are saying about not all authorities are evil, but you also need to remember, when there is a commander of one set of authority, then all underneath follow suit. It is like a ripple effect. If those above are corrupt, then those below, and who may be good, will be forced to carry out evil measures to follow those corrupted orders, or face the sack. There is always room for greater corruption and greater evils in society, as long as those top positions are available to them.

 

Just as you could say, the world is not black and white, well, the system isn’t as straightforward as some are bad and some are not. Some may have no choice but to become bad if the head corruptor has anything to say about it. The term, “keep calm and carry on” comes to mind, :unsure:. I can tell how many people follow that approach, if they consider that a British saying. It is that kind of mentality that makes corruption only get stronger.

 

The thing is that my mum has had experiences of those that were awful to her, and yet, when they came off of our case, they apologised. How twisted is that? They don’t do the right thing in their job, and only apologise once it’s too late as the damage was already done. There were others that even took that much needed apology with them, never even saying sorry once to her.

 

Since school I have always been a pessimist, can’t help it, school was awful, and I see many reflections from school onto the rest of the world, be it in bullies (criminals, back stabbing work colleagues, corrupted officials), detention (prison), teachers (bosses, and such), head of year or principal (prime minister, the queen). There are many reflections, and as many ways that corruption can be brought out like bullies at school. School felt like chaos and so does the rest of life in general.

 

Maybe so, but I can’t control the reaction I get the moment I see education taking place, the more I see it, the worse I feel. Those memories will be brought to the forefront of my mind; I know that will be the case. I can’t just hide them away; forget about them, that won’t work. When a trauma has been caused, you will be affected by it, even though the other person doesn’t know or care, it is the fact that it has been traumatic for you; you will feel pain every time a trigger is set off.

 

I read everything I can with as open a mind as possible Ichigo, and there's a lot that as happened that has been either very bad or wrong for you and your family.

 

I don't like social services and have heard several horror stories - but I have also heard some cases where they have been brilliant. That is the problem with people you see, people and money, because each area of the country gets different amounts to do stuff with, and then it all depends what kind of person you see too.

 

Social services has come along in some ways, it is better than 10 years ago for example, but there are still faults, massive ones.

 

They shouldn't have tried pushing your oma to sign things - but this is where you need to understand the nature of the beast as they say, the people in those jobs have these forms with loads of little checkboxes to tick, they have a boss pushing them to tick those boxes, and some of those people don't do things the right way to get those boxes ticked - and yes that is wrong - but they are just people, some are in the wrong job, some are under pressure, some have given up and are merely functioning like robots, and some actually do care.

 

I'm not involved with SS, I'm in the other oh so wonderful system (sarcasm) of the mental health services - and boy aint that just a whole load of other rubbish :wallbash: the thing is - sometimes you have to work with the idiots in order to get anything done.

 

With this document, the one for your education, so you;ve got you on one side saying what you need, and you have them on the other side saying that you should just magically go to college - if you are dead-set that you want more education then the most likely answer is compromise - or it is delaying things while other things get put into place (like helping you out with your SPD and anxiety - which is clearly a big part of why you can't do what they want). Until someone gives a little you are gonna be stuck in a deadlock with it. You have to ask what you can do to compromise - then get your mum to offer that compromise and really point it out to them that you are trying to meet them in the middle somewhere - and see if they are willing to look at other ways around this, but as I see it they either need to help you with the problems that are preventing you from going to college - or they have to come up with another way around it - bringing college to you is a very expensive option, and not the most likely - but could you attend college if there was a one-to-one tutor? If you could find one you liked? Can you compromise on what you want to learn? Or where? Is there any way you can think of that would be moving towards what they want, but not so far that you can't actually achieve it (it's one thing saying that you'll go to college - but only you know what you can and can't do, and what you are willing to try to do).

 

Yes, it was and still is, and when all of us have been affected by it, including the fact that it stopped my sister and I from building a brother sister relationship from the beginning. As I said, that is not the whole family story but I hope you get the gist of why I will not trust social services.

 

Yes, as you say learn from mistakes, well, I have learnt not to trust what has caused our family more harm than good. Why accept those that have obliterated the family foundation, they chose the easy way out, my family’s destruction. I may have been a baby at the time, but the harm it has caused both my mum and my sister is very real. I know that, and I don’t want them to do the same to me. I know not to trust them, that is enough.

 

A barrister said that he knew the social worker on our family case very well, and she was very well known to split families apart, and she enjoyed it. She left our area from where we live and is in another county, and she is still there, some 20 years later.

 

When your family has been destroyed by an organization, of any kind, naturally, you wouldn’t trust them again, no? Well, neither would I. I appreciate that others found them helpful, but please remember, I do not trust them, if others wish to, then that’s fine for them, but I’m sorry they are not for me.

 

Mum has also had bad experiences with the mental health department. She had her first grand mal epileptic seizure in the psychiatrist’s office. He then continued to prescribe her medication. SS and the mental health department have both harmed her one way or another. The harm they have caused has caused both my sister and I not to trust them. My sister said that she could always remember our mum coming home in utter tears after visiting her psychiatrist. Can you blame us; when we see the harm they are causing our mum? Mum has no other choice but to see her psychiatrist to get her medication, but suffers the abuse they have given her over the years.

 

You have to work with idiots to get anything done, how in the world does that even work? My mum has to do the exact same thing with the local authority and such. You’ll more likely cause yourself heart failure then get them to do the right thing. My mum fights and fights, I wonder whether they even listen to her.

 

What is even worse here is that the pain that school has caused me, made me feel extreme pain when I start to approach a school environment. I remember all of those bad memories of my past. It matters not if it is a primary school, secondary school, college, or university, the pain will be brought out in each setting. Memories can be awful when you have gone through trauma, they never leave you, and they constantly torment you.

 

Well, in a college, all that pain will come out much stronger and I would be unable to focus. Four things need to be taken into account here, I think. One is that people’s eyes on me distract me no end, two the volume of people in the class would instil claustrophobia, three my SPD and OCD would go crazy in a room where everyone would be in close proximity, i.e. sitting side by side or in other ways, and four the horrible memories would flood into my brain faster than lightning.

 

It is not only what I can do to compromise, it is also what they can do as well. I need to be able to do it, not just say, “Right, here I go, bombs away”, they need to help me just as much. Metaphorically, you cannot build a bridge if there isn’t a solid foundation first. They also need to help bridge the gap as well.

 

I think the answer then is to have a nice little quiet event that you are comfortable with - I don't think the problem is really your cousin though, not exactly, I mean that of course the things she said made you feel bad, but I also think that it is as much about you being angry that she's leaving you behind and then pointing it all out in an insensitive way that is making you feel bad. So that as it stands now the problem is really yours, because she's doing things you can;t and that sucks big time - if you want to prove yourself that's fine - but you have to do it for yourself.

 

One of the things that really gets to me in life is being left behind, it's painful and demotivating to be left behind, but I guess we are all on our own journey and we won't always go at the same speed or in the same direction.

 

I wish my cousin could understand me a bit more. She is so used to me when I was younger growing up, but as AS becomes more prominent in teenage years, she is flat out denying it. She thinks I just make it up, that it is all an act. She never even sees what I am like in the “outside world”. How would she know? I think when it comes to some people then it may take practically forever trying to get them to understand you when you have AS. They are not used to that change, you know it has always been there one way or another over the years, the alienation at school, my SPD in the face of food, etc. She has no idea what it is like. There have been times where I have explained and explained to her, but she always gets the wrong end of the stick, it is frustrating.

 

Yes, her advancing makes me in turn feel worthless, and yes, I am aware that my AS makes progressing even harder, but I really do think that I need to feel like I have actually achieved something worthwhile before I see her face again. The thing is, my auntie came around on my birthday, I didn’t want to make things worse, maybe thought that my cousin should at least come around for a coffee as I didn’t want to make things worse. My cousin said to my auntie, that she wouldn’t, my auntie said that she doesn’t want to come around because she thinks I have an old grudge against her. It is utter nonsense, she always thinks that when we were kids we used to argue and such, she thinks I still think about all that, but I don’t. I just don’t want to be on the bad side of anyone but the pain was too strong. She thought that by not coming she was getting her own back on me, but the thing is, she was actually helping me by not coming, lol, she really doesn’t understand me at all.

 

Yes, being left behind, that is definitely painful and de-motivating, and for that reason, it makes facing some people or experiences that much harder. The bad memories don’t help either, but I can’t just snap my fingers and forget them. It doesn’t work like that.

 

The first part of that question is impossible to answer :lol: where indeed? Well, you just never know Ichigo, you could meet someone online, you could look at your family, your oma or your mum, your could look at great writers, scientists, historians, whatever floats ya boat really.

 

Inspiration can come in many forms, I look at some of the older people on here, and see that they are further in their life's journey than me, and it gives me hope that I can get further. Certain things people say can inspire me. But it has to come from what matters to you.

 

I think that the key thing in part two of your question is that there might be a few people out there in the world who have succeeded from behind the door - probably in the world of the internet - but that seems like the wrong battle - the battle is not succeeding from behind the door - it is getting out from behind the door in order to succeed that is the real battle.

 

Of the last decade I have spent a very very large percentage behind closed doors, and then when I go out into the world, there's more closed doors, but I have all the fears you have about the future and about time, and the fact of the matter is, the world is outside your door, somehow the answer lies there...

 

If I ever succeed I'll inspire you :lol: but it won't be from behind my bedroom door (which is where I am right now as I am not feeling great) it will be outside the house, cuz that;s where everything is.

 

You could always attempt to become an internet superstar I guess - but that's not really addressing the problem of being behind your door... the internet is a tool you can use in any way you think of - I use it for learning, for socialising on this forum and via email, and for studying. I also use it for fun sometimes - but to be honest, I don't want to have to live my life this way for much longer - I didn't have the internet at your age - maybe you can learn stuff quicker than I did - who knows - but you certainly have a head start :)

 

The key word there is somehow. I know that the medicals that people on benefits have to go to cause them to get appeals as they say they are fit for work, even though they clearly are not. Then after successfully proving why they are not fit for work, about one week later, they get another medical; go through the same process over and over again. I have heard of people dying after going through that process about three times. I have to go out to that? Now that is suicide.

 

In the future, I could never go to an interview; the pain that that PE teacher caused me would make that feel like a mouse meeting a dragon, in a closed off arena. The information from what my cousin has said in the many interviews she has had for all sorts of things, even in education, there is no way I could cope with it.

 

There are many stages of life that look more and more closed off, even if I wasn’t behind my bedroom door. I need to be able to be taught in a way I feel comfortable with, nobody can really learn whilst being put through a great deal of stress and anxiety.

 

You say that outside is where everything is, but is it? Remember how the government are cutting benefits, but also there is mass unemployment, they are cutting EMA, and stopping GCSEs over O levels and GCEs, where is the hope?

 

Well, yes, maybe I do have a head start, but remember, when you have gone through a trauma, trying to attempt things again becomes even harder. Compromising is a lot harder than it sounds if memories have anything to say about it. There can be trigger points out there, and my cousin is one such example.

 

Achievements are just stepping stones, I think you can say you achieved something and not worry about stagnating - the fact you've thought it indicates that you wouldn't let that happen. There is a saying about pride coming before a fall - but I'm not saying turn into an up of himself idiot lol, just to acknowledge sometimes that you did something, and for a while feel good that you did! You know yourself that if you did something that was hard and succeeded, you wouldn't just say "well, that'll do me for the next 20 years" - not with a fear of time and the future - that fear will keep you looking for the next thing - just acknowledge - that is all. Consider making a chart, book or computer file about what you want, need and have to do, make a checklist, tick it off, if your plans change, change the list, but by visually ticking things off, you will see what you have done. If your into maths you could even chart it lol - nobody's saying turn into an egomaniac, humble and grounded is fine, and that's better than being negative and dismissing of what you actually do achieve - it's a personal thing really, you could do it with your mum's help too if you wanted some outside input, when things are hard and you manage to do them then it is good to simply say "yes, I did that", it doesn't require pride necessarily, just knowing that you have done something that was difficult to do ;)

 

I am a jack of all trades, and I like being that way, it's more interesting.

 

What things would you like to do to get enjoyment out of?

 

Best wishes

 

Darkshine

 

Yes, thank you, :), I shall begin a chart to acknowledge my achievements.

 

Well, lol, I could go into fantasies over such a topic. There are many things I’d like to learn, but I do need opportunities to fulfill them, I also need to think about reality as well.

 

In an ideal world, I’d like to improve my photography, become skilled at Photoshop and such, and improve my designing skills. I definitely feel I need to see my designs and photographs actually selling to make me feel better about it though. The problem is that I am always worried about showing people online in case they steal it, even when I put a watermark on them; I need to put them in the right place, i.e. a place where I will still be acknowledge for my work, and put a unique signature on them as well. Ah, this is quite a difficult one.

 

As I have already said I’d like to learn Japanese, ever since I started watching animé and reading manga books made me interested in everything Japanese, lol. I wanted to learn German as my oma (grandma in German) is from Germany, and it would be interesting learning a language from a country that my close ancestors have connections to. I wanted to learn Chinese to a lesser extent, mainly because I know about Romance of the Three Kingdoms (RotTK) from my Dynasty Warriors games, but also because of that knowledge of the RotTK era of China made me interested in the cultural history of China.

 

As I say in my interests, I’d like to learn computing in as many forms as possible, I have been interested in computers since my dad bought me a second hand one when I was little. Well, that’s true, first of all in computer maintenance.

 

My dad knew about computer maintenance but died earlier this year, and I never even got to know him much as I said my mum and dad were split up, I saw him when I was little fortnightly, but after some years later he didn’t want to see me for a long time until I was 16. He came back onto the scene, by calling us up. I was too scared due to my AS, I need to build confidence to see someone like that after all that time. On December of last year though, I sent a letter to him, but he had apparently moved two years previously without even telling my mum and me that he had moved. He died two months after I sent the letter. That’s when their family told us that he had moved.

 

But anyway, back to the interests. Other computing I may pick up an interest for over time, but for the moment definitely computer maintenance. It is because it would be far easier if I were able to fix my own and mum’s computers and not have to rely on those that could rip us off. I also want to learn so that I could upgrade my computer to a better standard myself.

 

I have thought about learning a musical instrument after hearing the emotional music in the middle of animé. There can be emotional piano and violin music being played at upsetting scenes, and such. I know that a piano, or keyboard, would be easier than a violin, so I could learn the animé music and play them on a keyboard. I have seen others do so on YouTube, I’d want to try myself.

 

To some extent, I wouldn’t mind trying out manga drawing, but mainly as a hobby, I can’t just up sticks and move to Japan to enter a manga company, :wacko:, for very obvious reasons, my AS, SPD, and OCD alone would make that a living nightmare, never mind about a dream.

 

I am a person that may develop more interests over time, but these are the main ones. I may feel like learning others over time, as I am ambitious, I will feel like trying new things, if I can.

 

Best wishes

Ichigo

 

P.S. Sorry for my late reply, I had a lot happen over the weekend, and I needed to get my mind straight again.

Edited by Ichigo Kurosaki

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My hand/wrist is not great, so will reply in the next couple or 3 days at most as I I have other things I want to write about and need to gauge how much I write and stuff. (A bit of a juggling act because I want to type other things too). Will reply to "concentrating on developing skills" later today. Just wanted you to know that I'm not ignoring you and that I do want to reply but can't force myself to say everything really short/briefly cuz of my hand/wrist pain, will have to sort of er... prioritise I guess is the word - which is frustrating for me :blink:

 

PS - I won't forget to reply - just wanted you to know that I will do it as soon as I can - I thought it was better to let you know than to say nothing :)

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darkshine

 

Thank you so much for telling me, but you didn’t have to do that, :unsure:. Its fine, I completely understand. I didn't want to make things worse, it’s alright. It’s just my mind, :unsure:.

 

Best wishes

Ichigo

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How are you? Didn't want to sit and reiterate what I said in the other post....

 

You have quite a range of interests, do you think that some of them could give you some more freedom or help you cope more?

 

I was slightly harsh in the other post, because I wanted you to see what it was like to challenge your thoughts a bit, and maybe that was a step too far for you - but it's stuff you should think about Ichigo, words like "always" and "never" are pretty all-encompassing words, they don't allow any movement at all, not even for the tiniest step.

 

The way we talk mirrors the way we think in certain ways, and you have a fair amount of issues with negativity in certain areas - I know because I used to say the same things and I still think certain things - but what is a life without being challenged every now and then?

 

When you sit on your own with your thoughts, they aren't necessarily balanced or logical - when I say "you" I mean anyone, you, me, whoever - it's by talking to other people that you start looking at your beliefs and thinking about them.

 

Clearly some terrible things have happened and they have hurt or scared you - but it doesn't mean that everything forever has to be that way - it doesn't have to rule your entire life - there's some hope if you can find it - but to do that you have to stretch your boundaries a bit - even if the steps are so small that people can't see them. Also it is good to develop self-awareness to know when certain thoughts or beliefs can be damaging.

 

Darkshine

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How are you? Didn't want to sit and reiterate what I said in the other post....

 

You have quite a range of interests, do you think that some of them could give you some more freedom or help you cope more?

 

darkshine

 

Sorry for the late reply, :(.

 

I’m sorry; it’s just that as these are deeper questions, they are becoming harder to reply to. I have the answers, as I know my own capabilities, but explaining them is a different matter, it is getter more difficult.

 

Well, for my interests to provide more freedom and help me to cope more, in a straightforward sense, maybe not. In an outside box view, in some senses, maybe, as if my photography and abstract designing could be improved, and I learnt Photoshop and I was able to produce better artwork, that was actually being sold. Maybe then I could feel more positive, knowing that I was doing something that was both enjoyable and making me have a chance in life.

 

On one level someone could say that that won’t make social interaction any easier and yes, that’s true, but at the same time, it could lift my spirits, knowing that I am doing something enjoyable and constructive towards my future. To do so, I need to find the right way, the way that doesn’t push me over the edge.

 

Accomplishing the other skills could also lift my spirits knowing that I’m not wasting my life and I am learning something that I enjoy, in my own way.

 

I was slightly harsh in the other post, because I wanted you to see what it was like to challenge your thoughts a bit, and maybe that was a step too far for you - but it's stuff you should think about Ichigo, words like "always" and "never" are pretty all-encompassing words, they don't allow any movement at all, not even for the tiniest step.

 

Well, I’m sorry but, please understand that it isn’t just memories holding me back, but an interview will have to be gone through in order to even get into a college/university. I know that will be just like when I was interrogated by my PE teacher, which was also the head of year. The interviewer may not be a PE teacher, or the head of year, but the position of “head of year” is an administrative position and so will the interviewer be. On top of that the person that will be interviewing me will have the aura of hostility about them; it would be like a mouse facing a dragon. My cousin has told me what she has had to go through in an interview, and there is no way I could handle that pressure.

 

The way we talk mirrors the way we think in certain ways, and you have a fair amount of issues with negativity in certain areas - I know because I used to say the same things and I still think certain things - but what is a life without being challenged every now and then?

 

Being aware that there are those that do not understand us as they are not trained in ASD and knowing that there are only few people that are in the UK that are, makes me aware of the dangers out there. I would know those that are not trained are out there and even still, avoiding them is certainly not going to be easily possible as how do you know who is and isn’t ASD trained? You wouldn’t would you, so that makes it even harder. In some senses, maybe that’s why I need tutors behind my bedroom door, so that I can talk to them in the setting I feel the most comfortable learning in, so that I can develop skills to help me make a future for myself in a way I feel most comfortable with. Selling my photographs and designs would be pleasurable and perhaps achievable.

 

When you sit on your own with your thoughts, they aren't necessarily balanced or logical - when I say "you" I mean anyone, you, me, whoever - it's by talking to other people that you start looking at your beliefs and thinking about them.

 

Yes, that’s true, but some things may be harder to understand for others as we all experience pain in different ways. I was very sensitive at school; I was bullied many times, and bullied by teachers. Some people may think that that is nothing but please understand that as I was sensitive at school, I never found each easier to cope with. I always remember dropping my head on the desk, covering my face, and bursting into tears. The more that happened the more depressed I got inside, the more pain I felt, it built up little by little, bit by bit, until, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I felt that enough was enough. If I didn’t I think I would have gone mad, :unsure:.

 

I know that a college and a university is a harsh environment. You may say that they are more responsible but, to be honest, there are even greater issues at play there. Interviews aren’t carried out in a primary or a secondary, but are in a college and university. There are more students in a class in college and university than in primary and secondary. In a university, you have to stay there. All of these things, I know I couldn’t cope with, no matter how much I tried, I know I couldn’t. I know myself all too well. How can I be sure that they would accommodate one-to-one teaching, and as for a University not for me having to stay there, before I would even comprehend it? As for an interview, surely that would feel just as hostile as it did when I faced my PE teacher, and he interrogated me, head of year is an administrative position and so will the interviewer’s job be.

 

Clearly some terrible things have happened and they have hurt or scared you - but it doesn't mean that everything forever has to be that way - it doesn't have to rule your entire life - there's some hope if you can find it - but to do that you have to stretch your boundaries a bit - even if the steps are so small that people can't see them. Also it is good to develop self-awareness to know when certain thoughts or beliefs can be damaging.

 

When school had traumatised me, I was adamant not to go back there as I knew the school was told I had AS, and yet, that interrogation took place with the PE teacher. My mum has been to the colleges around this area and she has found that they couldn’t accommodate my learning style.

 

I take carefully calculated steps; I consider all avenues before I make my move. I am not a risk taker, I am a cautious mover, and be that as it may, I need to know that I wouldn’t be put through hell in the process, but honestly, I don’t trust that a college or a university wouldn’t cause that to happen. How can I stretch my boundaries beyond my own coping level, for me, it would be like willingly accepting an emotional breakdown, how could that help me?

 

No, I haven’t been in a college or university before, but I don’t have to, I have heard enough about both to consider them extreme obstacles that are too far away to get to, for so many reasons, memories of similar experiences are just one of them.

 

No one had ever came in to talk to me from behind my bedroom door to sort out the pain the PE teacher caused me in the beginning, that’s why all of this pain has grown stronger and developed over the years.

 

Best wishes

Ichigo

Edited by Ichigo Kurosaki

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