Help needed

[Mumof4]

Hi, all,

I have four sons, two which clearly have show lots of signs of being on the autistic spectrum, my second son is 13 years old and we have just started the process of getting a diagnosis, the problem we have now is my eldest son, Whois clearly often spectrum somewhere, which I am thinking aspergers, to cut a long story short, he has always been the same way,when he was very young school suggested may have so e autisic traits, at the time he seemed happy and being a little boy, his behaviour could easily be explained,.

He is 18 years old now and his difficulties over the last 4 years are becoming more apparent.

 

He hasn't been diagnosed, however, he came to me the yesterday and admitted he thinks he has learning difficulties, he couldn't really explain why other than, he doesn't understand instructions, this we have found with him all his life, we have had to repeat things over and over and so etimes it seems he can't follow even the simplest of instructions.

He makes very little eye contact and is very obbsessive with whatever it is he likes at the time, whe. He was younger it was star wars, he use to talk about it all the time and that's all he was interested In, as he got older he got an obsession with film and actors and collecting DVD 's and organising them in actor order, he would badger us constantly with questions about actors and films.

Anyway moving on, since our conversation about him thinking he has learning g difficulties I have made him an appointment at the doctors and will go with him.

The problem I am having is he started a job when he left school, he really struggled with this job, we could see this so we told him to finish it, he was out of work for 8 months and because he has limited interests we struggled to get him looking for another job, we literally had to find him the job he has now, which is gardening and maintence, the only thing is he is close to be sacked, the boss brought him ho e early the other day and asked my son to ask me to ring him, I did and his boss told me that my son can't follow instructions and he cannot let him use machinery as he would be a danger to himself or others.

The following statement from his boss really upset me, he said talking to my son was like talking to a plank.

 

The boss told me he is going to give my son while Friday to as he put it buck his ideas up or he going to have to Let him go:(

 

I just don't know what to do next, how long does the dx process take for an adult .? Also what kind of help is out there to help with finding a job?

 

 

 

[oxgirl]

Hi Mumof4, Sorry, haven't really got any helpful advice or information for you but just wanted to let you know I'm in exactly the same position, so you're not alone. My lad is also 18. Although it's a horrible way of putting it, I can relate to what your son's boss said about talking to him, as my lad can be extremely unresponsive when people try to talk to him, it's like he freezes up. How did your lad manage at school? Did he make friends and come out with any qualifications? My lad has never had a friend and I'm so worried about his prospects as I know he wouldn't be able to get a job on his own volition. Have you thought about encouraging your lad to do charity work? I have pushed my lad into helping out at a charity shop one morning a week. He hated the idea and was so stressed and panicked about it, but he did do it. He's been there a couple of months now and it has really helped him with his confidence and self-esteem. At least it's a start.

 

Take care.

~ Mel ~

[Mumof4]

Hi, mel,

You helped knowing we are not alone, it's very difficult isn't it ? , we just want what is best for our sons, my son didn't do very well at school, he is below a average in most subjects and average in some, he does have friends, one of which as been a friend since school , this lad has similar issues, but is not diagnosed either, but it's clear to see he is also on the autistic spectrum,.

So it's good that he has a friend or two at least, however over the past few months I have been very worried about a new circle of friends he is getting involved with, and I am doing my best to discourage him from being with them , which isn't easy.

The other problem I have is my parents don't believe he has issues and are just putting it down to , lack of confidence and the fact I may have done too much for him, but it's more than that, I tried to explain to them only this afternoon that he doesn't have the skills that we all pick up naturally growing up, in many ways he is like a little boy, they way he stands, his monotone voice, his interests that he goes on and on about, his literal interpretation, his lack of knowing if someone is making a joke or being serious, his ability to follow instructions, his lack of eye contact, I could go on and on .

I went to my sons work today so I could take him out for lunch and take him back to work, he was happy to see me I think, but dropping him back off at work was like leaving a little boy at school for the 1st time, he looked so lost, I drove home with tears in my eyes.

I am hoping the dx process isnt going to be a long drawn out process , because we need to get him some support at work or we are thinking of trying to let him try a college course until we get a diagnosis and maybe then we can find a job more suitable for him where his employer can be aware of his difficulties.

Has your son been diagnosed.? ,

We have always known our son was different , but as a boy I just made the relevant changes and helped him in every way I could,i didnt think he may have a condition, but as he has got older his difficulties have become more apparent and are now affecting his job, which he has only had for 2 weeks.

He said he feels on edge all day at work, and it's really hard for me to think he is struggling, when his boss brought him home the other day , I asked my son what is was struggling with and for the 1st time ever, he said he thinks he has learning difficulties, this is the 1st time we have really spoken about it because up until now we have kind of just muddled through and helped him and because he wasn't out In the big wide world we seemed to be doing okay, but since he left school , he has just struggled more and more.

I just don't know if I should try and convince him to stick it out at work( which is an apprentiship ) and hope things get easier for him or if I should just try get him into college which I think he will find less pressurising .

Thanks for your reply , take care

 

[Kazzen161]

Would your son mind if you spoke to his boss and explained that you think he may have AS and that he needs instructions to be very clear and only one or two at time? If the boss does not want to help, then you have not lost anything.

[Mumof4]

Would your son mind if you spoke to his boss and explained that you think he may have AS and that he needs instructions to be very clear and only one or two at time? If the boss does not want to help, then you have not lost anything.

 

Hi,

Yes I explained to my sons boss that he has some autistic traits, it just makes it difficult not having a formal diagnosis yet, his boss listened , but didn't really comment, hopefully he will take on board what I have said, but the boss has said he is going to make a final decision on Friday as to if he will keep my son on, so will just have to wait and be there to support my son whatever he outcome.

He has a doctors appointment Friday to discuss the issues he's been having , Should I just be direct and to the point with the doctor and come right out and say we suspect an autistic spectrum disorder ?

Thanks for all our help

[Mumof4]

Thanks for all your help I meant darn keyboard

 

[Lyndalou]

Hiya

 

I'm not so sure how sympathetic your lad's boss is by what you have written if I have to be honest. If it's an apprenticeship it can be a very tough environment to work in. I know of a boy who could hold his own who was doing a plumbing apprenticeship and one of the older men took a dislike to him and whipped up the other men on a job to make life very difficult for him for a number of months. He complained but in the environment he worked in the complaints weren't taken very seriously and he had to ride it out.

 

I know you say that your son has limited interests but if he were to do a job which he was very interested in perhaps he would be able to follow instructions better because he would be more interested. I also think that the boss has a fair point regarding the operation of machinery. If this is a prerequisite of the job I'm not sure if there is a way around this? Of course, if the boss was willing to put instructions in writing and the job allowed for this, maybe this would be an effective alternative means of communication?

 

I really am tempted to say that it might be better to look at practical ways that your son could learn to focus better and follow instructions better too. I think the idea of doing voluntary work is excellent because it means that perhaps your son could access some kind of life skills training that could help ease him into future jobs at the same time. I've done a number of voluntary jobs myself over the years and it is a good way to learn to cope with pressure, work with other people, follow instructions etc and learn practical skills like money handling and timekeeping but without the same expectations as a paid job.

 

Best Wishes

 

Lynda

[Mumof4]

Hi Lynda ,

Thank you for your valuable advice, I agree it seems being an apprentice is quite tough, the main reason for going down the apprentiship route was so ds was able to have some guidance after doing a short apprentiship in warehousing, which he struggled with , when he finished the warehousing and it came to looking for another job, he wanted to do another apprentiship because in his words he wasn't ready for a grown up job, however I do get the impression that he gets mocked , I have spoken to ds this evening and given the option of going to college, but he doesn't seem to able to make the decision( is this part of being on the spectrum) I explained the pros and cons of both clearly and have just left it with him to think about it, although if his boss decides to sack him on Friday then we could suggest the voluntary work or college.

The college has learning support that would help a little, they told me they would only give full support once ds has a dx .

I suppose things will be easier once he has a dx , we can move forward and hopefully get the support he needs .

[oxgirl]

Hi, mel,

You helped knowing we are not alone, it's very difficult isn't it ? , we just want what is best for our sons, my son didn't do very well at school, he is below a average in most subjects and average in some, he does have friends, one of which as been a friend since school , this lad has similar issues, but is not diagnosed either, but it's clear to see he is also on the autistic spectrum,.

So it's good that he has a friend or two at least, however over the past few months I have been very worried about a new circle of friends he is getting involved with, and I am doing my best to discourage him from being with them , which isn't easy.

The other problem I have is my parents don't believe he has issues and are just putting it down to , lack of confidence and the fact I may have done too much for him, but it's more than that, I tried to explain to them only this afternoon that he doesn't have the skills that we all pick up naturally growing up, in many ways he is like a little boy, they way he stands, his monotone voice, his interests that he goes on and on about, his literal interpretation, his lack of knowing if someone is making a joke or being serious, his ability to follow instructions, his lack of eye contact, I could go on and on .

I went to my sons work today so I could take him out for lunch and take him back to work, he was happy to see me I think, but dropping him back off at work was like leaving a little boy at school for the 1st time, he looked so lost, I drove home with tears in my eyes.

I am hoping the dx process isnt going to be a long drawn out process , because we need to get him some support at work or we are thinking of trying to let him try a college course until we get a diagnosis and maybe then we can find a job more suitable for him where his employer can be aware of his difficulties.

Has your son been diagnosed.? ,

We have always known our son was different , but as a boy I just made the relevant changes and helped him in every way I could,i didnt think he may have a condition, but as he has got older his difficulties have become more apparent and are now affecting his job, which he has only had for 2 weeks.

He said he feels on edge all day at work, and it's really hard for me to think he is struggling, when his boss brought him home the other day , I asked my son what is was struggling with and for the 1st time ever, he said he thinks he has learning difficulties, this is the 1st time we have really spoken about it because up until now we have kind of just muddled through and helped him and because he wasn't out In the big wide world we seemed to be doing okay, but since he left school , he has just struggled more and more.

I just don't know if I should try and convince him to stick it out at work( which is an apprentiship ) and hope things get easier for him or if I should just try get him into college which I think he will find less pressurising .

Thanks for your reply , take care

 

Hi Mumof4,

 

Yes, my lad got his diagnosis when he was about 4.5, he sounds a lot like your lad. It sounds to me like college might be a good option at the present time, maybe he isn't ready for work yet, I know my son wouldn't be. They do say that as a rule of thumb, an AS child develops emotionally at two thirds the rate of a non-AS child, so at 18 they could be nearer emotionally to 12 or 13 year olds, even though they're in big, hairy bodies!

Is there a life-skills course that your lad could do that could help him with developing skills for working life, plus a couple of years at college would give him the extra time to mature so that he might be more ready to join the workforce when he leaves. My lad is at college and this year they have done wonders with him, working with him on travel independence training up to a point where he can now use a bus and train for short trips on his own, something that we thought way beyond him this time last year. He has another year at college and then it's out into the big, bad world and it is scary, very much so.

 

It's good in a way that your lad has accepted the idea that he has difficulties. I would be totally frank with the GP myself, especially as the school had queries about your son being on the spectrum when he was younger. Good luck with the appointment. What does your lad think about a possible diagnosis? Does he know much about AS?

 

All the best.

~ Mel ~

[Mumof4]

 

 

Hi Mumof4,

 

Yes, my lad got his diagnosis when he was about 4.5, he sounds a lot like your lad. It sounds to me like college might be a good option at the present time, maybe he isn't ready for work yet, I know my son wouldn't be. They do say that as a rule of thumb, an AS child develops emotionally at two thirds the rate of a non-AS child, so at 18 they could be nearer emotionally to 12 or 13 year olds, even though they're in big, hairy bodies!

Is there a life-skills course that your lad could do that could help him with developing skills for working life, plus a couple of years at college would give him the extra time to mature so that he might be more ready to join the workforce when he leaves. My lad is at college and this year they have done wonders with him, working with him on travel independence training up to a point where he can now use a bus and train for short trips on his own, something that we thought way beyond him this time last year. He has another year at college and then it's out into the big, bad world and it is scary, very much so.

 

It's good in a way that your lad has accepted the idea that he has difficulties. I would be totally frank with the GP myself, especially as the school had queries about your son being on the spectrum when he was younger. Good luck with the appointment. What does your lad think about a possible diagnosis? Does he know much about AS?

 

All the best.

~ Mel ~

 

Hi Mel,

 

Thank you for your help:) , the decision regarding my sons job has been made for us they finished him yesterday, in a way I suppose it's a good thing because the job has made us all realise he does have true difficulties and is struggling and has prompted us to get hi. Some help, so we are going to go to the college open day on the 28 th, it's good that you mentioned a life skills course, I was looking at the prospectus yesterday and there is a pathway to independence course which I think would be a good start, so I think I will speak to my son about it and see what he thinks.

I will come right out and tell the doctor everything and I hope we can get a goog way through the process before he starts a college course.

The emotional maturity thing explains a lot of things, my son has one long term friend who has the same traits and a few other friends which are girls but are younger, it's like he feels more comfortable with them.

The more I look back I can see signs more and more now, like I have often found myself almost translating for him when someone asks him a question or if someone asks his something having to explain his reply.

If he is explaining something to us it's like he misses lots of Information out,and says things wrong way round, many of time I have found myself trying to decipher what he is trying to get across.

 

For the first time yesterday he tided he room properly , all be it it took him a long time, but I wrote him list and it worked and he did a great job.

I think once we have things confirmed, life will get easier for my son.

I am glad that your son is making good progress too, it does sound like college has helped him loads.

It's great to know we are not alone .

take care

 

[trekster]

Really pleased you wish the best for your son especially with the list idea. Keep up the translation as well. What county of the UK are you in? There might be a service that can help with diagnosis or services.

 

Once i left college i progressed onto university, then i went back to college, then back to university. i have just discovered that my 1st year post graduate degree is 4% below a pass and im devastated.

 

Making decisions is really difficult for autistics even deciding what to eat can be a major problem. My 'decision' to apply for a housing scheme 6 years ago has resulted in me being unable to move. i am stuck in unsuitable accommodation due to a recent diagnosis of HMS last year. Without medical evidence prooving a need to move house i cannot get out of this scheme. i have to sell on the open market and i was told only if i changed my mind and wanted to move would it be a problem. i wasnt told about emergency needs to move having the same conditions. If i was then i wouldnt have move there so quickly.

 

i was diagnosed 1/2 my life ago (just over) and im still trying to get services for autistics including myself. In fact i was the 1st person in our Drs practice to be diagnosed. i also have problems sequencing my thoughts and working out the context and contents of what im saying.