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darkshine

Can AS be separate?

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Can AS be separate, and if it can, what do you do with it?

...........

 

If AS was a power source that you could disconnect, reconnect and turn the volume up or down, zoom the world in or out, increase or decrease focus, turn on or off, if you could access it or not as you saw fit and if you could see it as separate yet a part of you... Then wouldn't it be possible to do more things? Things that are hard or "impossible" now?

 

If you think about the power available in a meltdown, the sheer energy available there, if it could be controlled or rather, altered and shifted into something else, then couldn't it be used in a whole new way? And if AS could be engaged like a driving gear at set times then couldn't it really assist things rather than prevent them, and technically if it could be eased off on then stuff that feels like a nightmare could be a little easier to cope and function with.

 

With obsessions or special interests, the focus is turned up, this can be really useful at times, the energy levels, the concentration, and if the discipline to turn it up or down was there it could be a tool, if we could throw that into what we need to learn then wouldn't we learn more effectively.

 

In some situations, heightened sensory perception could be a real advantage if it were used right - this is a potentially daft example - but I once got a pack of pencils, 6H through to 6B - it's late - I think there were 14 cuz of 2 HB's - anyway... I wanted to know if I could identify them all without looking, it was a new pack and they all were as close as damn it the 'same' so I spent some time with them, maybe 20 minutes and then I shut my eyes and tried to order them in number by feel, taste, texture, etc, I did pretty well. I'm sure there could be more useful applications with our senses though lol.

 

In terms of my life, if AS wasn't screaming in my head, then eating would be a lot simpler for me.... But it's funny how when I'm obsessed with something I can enter sensory hell, with people, if the pull of the interest is stronger than the AS stuff... And how some of the really small things get blown out of proportion, while things that are massive are just like water off a duck's back - its all mixed up at times.

 

And I've been thinking a lot lately that there's all these things I want to do and its almost like this AS stuff is a separate entity that is a part of me, and I can almost look at it, and I haven't got a clue what to do with it and what I'm looking at aint pretty at times - I mean its ok or interesting or fun when it can do good stuff, or stuff that I don't perceive as 'bad', but when its acting up like a brat its kinda awkward cuz I don't really know what the hell to do to make it shut up screaming and playing up like a little kid, especially when some of the things it screams about are really really stupid dumb ###### things.

 

If it can feel separate (while still being a part of me) then how can I enjoy some parts that are cool for some reason, and yet despise and be ruled by the rest?

 

I don't know if there's exactly any answers, which is why I've posted this in off-topic, but I wondered if anyone felt a similar thing, or if anyone had an opinion or another take on this, or any thoughts.

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i dont feel i can ever seperate AS to break away feel drained dragged down by it all time zaps my energy levels constantly weighs me down more to point of dont want get back up and fight some more as think whats point as going to lose this battle every time with myself so defeatist attitude talk but so gets you like that feeling like never going to win or beat it! I get so tired fed up of trying to keep my chin up put fake smile on such hard difficult task to achieve like tug of war with yourself all time so tiring such a challenge every minute of everyday it unbelievable amount of effort put in goes into living normally i try so hard to seperate it but for me doesnt work feel i try hard enough to this wish i coild run away switch off escape as feel trapped scared alone alot of time!

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I don't feel any disconnectedness with "my AS", it has been integral part of who I am as long as I can think. Only difference: since I got that dx at age 37, 5 years ago, I'm aware of several deficits which I had ignored before. Good thing? - Idk.

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i always felt i dont belong anywhere feel trapped lost within the world feel scared i dont know if i can put this entirely down to AS alone or MH issues ive been battling struggling with still unsure trying to work out feel i dont kno who i am! Feel like i am floating around empty

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i always searching for missing me the missing answers feel so confused trying to work everything out within myself! As feel locked in my own world myself i could run away to escape! :c

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i always searching for missing me the missing answers feel so confused trying to work everything out within myself ...

That seems to be a typical problem of AS: NTs tend to talk to their therapist or at least to their friends about those problems. - I'm unable to put these in spoken words, either.

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I've had depression since I was 14 - at least - its hard to put an actual start time on this since I can actually remember depressive periods from being as young as 7 - but anyway - depression is a part of me in some way, but it doesn't have to define me, and it doesn't have to rule me, when I am in a depressive cycle - or episode - things are really really not good at all, to the point where I want to kill myself or self harm or hurt others.

 

But is depression me? Am I depression? No, it is not and I am not.

 

It might play a role in defining aspects of my life, but it is not me, my name is not Darkshine the depressed.

 

I guess if you think about AS in a similar fashion - am I AS? Nope, I am not, does it define me? Well it plays a role but I am not defined by AS, I do not have the name Darkshine the AS either.

 

If we look at my initial post, I was not looking for an operation to surgically remove AS as though its something to be removed, I wanted to know if - like depression - there are ways of stepping back and seeing it like I can see depression at times, depression feels easier to understand for me, I find it easier to understand than AS - but I can step back and look at things and I know what to do - when I have issues where AS does become a problem for some reason - I cannot always tell if its me, AS or something else.

 

The purpose would be - in seeing AS as separate - to look at it, understand it, value it - for even depression has a value of sorts, I can write some pretty ok things when I am in a deep depression and I can see things very differently in that state, and although it might be unconventionally weird to say I value my depressive episodes - I do - they give me something that other people I know do not have - I can do things and understand things because of my depression, I can connect with people who are depressed, I can understand them, I can understand myself - or begin to have a further understanding as years pass - and I can find some level of acceptance.

 

Just thought I'd clarify that I am not seeking AS to be something to cut off and thrown away, just that I would like to reach a point where I can see things differently - and to acknowledge that like depression, it might take a while to do so - because I assure you that depression for me was a deeply upsetting, scary, disturbing and horrible experience for me for many years, but I did see value in it and over the years, many years, that value has grown and developed into something else - as such I wonder whether a similar thing can happen with AS as my understanding of depression continues over the years even now.

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@ darkshine - my depression became more obvious and apparent at same at 14 years old think becomes harder to detect due to puberty ,hormones and emotions surrounding everything can become sinking dark corner or hole that you down trapped in! I feel disconnected within myself and my life! I get in depressive state so crave in desperation frustration leads to harming of myself or others like yourself but I feel AS and depressive mood states get in away take over and consume everything around me! I'm trying to move away adjust to what AS and depressive states throw at me! As feel bad guilty which adds to the low self -esteem cycle continues go round endlessly! I personally believe I had depressive states as a child upset sad confused lost little girl wandering round playground questioning why and how the whole situation happened! I going to adults for emotional stability reassurance and comfort where was completely safe place

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I get in depressive state so crave in desperation frustration leads to harming of myself or others like yourself but I feel AS and depressive mood states get in away take over and consume everything around me! I'm trying to move away adjust to what AS and depressive states throw at me!

 

I don't think moving away to adjust to AS or depressive states is like stepping away from a fire that is too hot.

 

I think it's more like being able to see something in a different way - a bit like a prism - a clear glass or crystal prism I mean, if you put it in the dark it does nothing in a visible way but it is still there, if you shine light a certain way you get a colour spectrum of light shine onto another surface, if you pick it up and rotate it in the light, the sides inside can look like mirrors or colours.

Edited by darkshine

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