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lisa2701

Obsessive interest

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Hi everyone,

 

Looking for some advice around obsessive interests. I have an 8 year old son with ASD and a husband with recently diagnosed AS. BOTH of them are down right obsessive about computer games and it appears that the older my son is getting the more they are feeding off each others obsessions.

 

Last year my husband (against my better judgement) pushed (VERY hard) to buy our son a PS3 for his room. After months of arguing about it I gave in and allowed him to buy our son a ps3 for his room. Ultimately my husband is obsessed over the treatment of his own PS3 and my son was constantly dropping his pads, leaving his console on etc, this caused a lot of friction in the house, so my husband argued that it would alleviate the friction if no one else was touching his console.

 

Fast forward a year and as predicted I feel as though I have lost my son to his bedroom, there is still tension in the house as now my husband has TWO consoles to worry over the safety/treatment of, BOTH talk obsessively about games and I don't seem to have a say in anything. I SO desperately want to really restrict time spent on the console, and I would remove the console completely if I had my way, but my husband just won't hear of it, he tells me I would cause our son too much distress and its totally unfair on him, and that there's nothing wrong with playing computers as much as he does which is pretty much all the time unless he's at school. He says that I'm just being over critical and paranoid. He also encourages our son to play older and older games by debating with me about how the age rating is to do with how hard a game is as well as the content of it etc but he does that in front of our son, as well as letting our son play things i've forbidden behind my back because he thinks I am being too strict. They both watch games being played on you tube as well, my husband is an active member of a playstations page, and they both watch gaming tv shows. They really do eat sleep and breathe gaming.

 

I have a very good relationship with my husband (been together 9 years) with the exception of this one area and I have even considered leaving my husband just so that I can have full control over the computer games situation for my son.

 

I feel like things are so out of control and my husbands obsessions are getting worse along with my sons. I have tried talking to him about it, getting upset, getting angry, telling him how I feel like I'm failing my son by allowing this obsessiveness. Its all they ever talk about, its all I ever hear about, and I am going insane with it. When I met my husband he was an active gamer, but he wasn't obsessive things seem to have gotten so bad and I don't know how to fix it.

 

Also, my son's doctor wants me to remove his tv from his room to help with his sleeping but my husband won't allow it.

 

I was hoping to get some advice on ways to help my husband see why obsessive gaming isn't healthy, and also get others thoughts on when, how, and should you draw a line and say enough is enough with regards to a special interest.

Edited by lisa2701

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Hi lisa2701

 

Oh dear, you must feel like a widow to your husband with his game obsession. I am not a gamer (don't even like the things ! ) and really don't see the attraction. I refuse to allow my daughter a TV in her room (she's 13) but she does have a laptop to do homework etc and where I set time limits etc.

 

Does your husband work, i.e. is he out of the house all day? Does he play PS3 to escape reality or to get out of doing other stuff. Personally I think you need to have a meaningful conversation with him. He needs reminding that first and foremost, he is a husband and a father and he needs to fulfill his responsibilites. You need to sit down and either talk to him directly or with a counsellor. He needs to face up to his marital responsibilities.

 

I do admit, I too have a hobby which I obsess about and I suppose I am fortunate that my daughter doesn't share my interest. But I do work long hours and I do my hobby maybe once a week or once a fortnight. Because of my work, I don't have the time I would like to devote to my family. But my wife works too and our arrangement is just fine.

 

Maybe you need to be really harsh and threaten to leave him. He really needs a wake up call.

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I forgot to add...

 

Let him know how neglected and unloved you feel without being accusative (as this will put him on the defensive and he'll resent you for this).

 

Move out (stay with a friend/relative) with your son for a while and it won't be long until he realises what has hit him and he'll coming running with his tail between his legs

 

See if you can agree on "his/your son's times" and "us" (i.e. you and him) times. Are there any games you could play or share with him?

 

Is your son falling behind with schoolwork? If so, then clearly you need to address this issue firmly

 

I can understand if your husband works hard that he needs some relaxation time but you need to be assertive and make up a schedule that includes YOU.

 

But if he doesn't work, then I think you need to make a difficult decision and move out

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Hi Robert, thanks for your reply.

 

Yes my husband works full time in a job that often calls for 12 hour shifts. He admits he uses gaming as a way of escape and to relax. I'll be honest, his time spent actually playing games at the moment isnt too bad, he will often wait until I've gone to bed or he'll get up earlier than me in the morning to have some time before I get up, but he does spend a lot of time on a gaming page on facebook, looking at games stores on line and searching ebay for deals, all of which he likes to talk to me about, despite the fact I have told him very bluntly that he has sickened me of anything gaming related.

 

Currently, my biggest concern is my son. My husband is an adult, works hard and takes care of us well ( I am physically disabled), he has a lot on his plate and so if he needs gaming to help him relax then thats his decision to make, but I now feel he's encouraging obsessiveness with my son and that does concern me. I am the one dealing with tears, tantrums and meltdowns when my son can't go straight home from school to have his 'fix', I am the one who can't enjoy visiting family as my son spends the entire time complaining so he can get home, I am the one he wakes during the night to ask if its time he can play his games yet (I tried banning it in the morning but my authority around gaming doesn't exist due to my husband constantly undermining me), who can't have a conversation with my son without him turning the conversation to games and ultimately i am the one left feeling horrible after being blunt and telling an 8 year old that I no longer want to hear about computer games. I feel so guilty at that point, but theres only so much computer talk I can cope with. I really could go on and on and on about how much this is restricting our lives, I have an 8 year old who'd rather sit in room than go to the park.

 

I have tried talking to my husband about it, there is no reasoning with him. I have gotten angry and told him that I refuse to loose my son and that if he won't support me I will have to leave him so that I can establish some kind of rules, i have tried showing him how much it upsets me by getting upset, I have taken him along to an ASD behavioural specialist and have him tell him that its not healthy and that my son needs to be given direction and encouragement to explore different things, none of it made any difference. It was then made worse as the psychiatrist who dx my husband told me (in front of hubby) that his obsessive behaviours and emotional outbursts were part of his Aspergers and I'd have to learn to accept and respect that! It became complete justification for his behaviour...the expert had spoken!

 

I love my husband dearly, we have been through a lot together and we get on well for the most part but I am really fearing the negative impact such obsessive gaming is going to have on my son long term and feel my husband is working against me not with me.

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P.S. My son is actually doing extremely well at school at the moment. He is in mainstream and is coping amazingly this year. He's started working independently for the first time ever, reads well beyond his years, and is near the top for all subject. A real academic little boy. That said, his social skills are very poor, and I can' find any mainstream clubs for him to join due to this, currently is attending a social club for children with disabilities to help socialise him.

 

I don't really have anyone with space to take me and my son, and my husband has no friends and fell out with his family 4 years ago so he can't go anywhere. I have already considered this tactic. :(

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Special talent thank you for your insight on this. I am genuinely interested in trying to understand and learn.

 

I genuinely appreciate that areas of special interests are part of autism and I respect that, my concern is the fact that my sons obsession could be detrimental to his health and his social skills long term. I am frightened that he isn't getting enough exercise and I am also worried that a previous confident reasonably social little boy is now choosing not to socialise and is shying away and loosing his confidence. He used to want to go out to play and visit family members even if he didn't always cope with it, now he gets terribly upset if we have to go out.

He also loves dinosaurs, he knows everything about them and I love the fact he will read abdinosaur encyclopaedia instead of a bed time book, I encourage him to learn and talk about dinosaurs, partly because its a refreshing change to computer games, and I was proud as punch when I arranged for him to meet a genuine palentologist and he sat talking dinosaurs with her and really knew his stuff (I didn't understand any of it!).

 

Do you think that I am being unreasonable wanting to limit his obsessiveness? I would really like to help him to explore other things I think he would enjoy. I am not saying I never want him to play computer games again, I have come to the realisation that this is likely to be a life long interest for him, but I would like to help him gain control over how much it controls his life. His mind seems to race when he's thinking about and talking about computer games and he often talks about it at great speed, jumping from one thing to another without any clear transition hope that makes sense.

 

Anyways, like I said I am trying to understand and get people's opinions on can an obsession just go too far and if it can how can I help my son regain control over it.

 

 

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Special talent thank you for your insight on this. I am genuinely interested in trying to understand and learn.

 

I genuinely appreciate that areas of special interests are part of autism and I respect that, my concern is the fact that my sons obsession could be detrimental to his health and his social skills long term. I am frightened that he isn't getting enough exercise and I am also worried that a previous confident reasonably social little boy is now choosing not to socialise and is shying away and loosing his confidence. He used to want to go out to play and visit family members even if he didn't always cope with it, now he gets terribly upset if we have to go out.

He also loves dinosaurs, he knows everything about them and I love the fact he will read abdinosaur encyclopaedia instead of a bed time book, I encourage him to learn and talk about dinosaurs, partly because its a refreshing change to computer games, and I was proud as punch when I arranged for him to meet a genuine palentologist and he sat talking dinosaurs with her and really knew his stuff (I didn't understand any of it!).

 

Do you think that I am being unreasonable wanting to limit his obsessiveness? I would really like to help him to explore other things I think he would enjoy. I am not saying I never want him to play computer games again, I have come to the realisation that this is likely to be a life long interest for him, but I would like to help him gain control over how much it controls his life. His mind seems to race when he's thinking about and talking about computer games and he often talks about it at great speed, jumping from one thing to another without any clear transition hope that makes sense.

 

Anyways, like I said I am trying to understand and get people's opinions on can an obsession just go too far and if it can how can I help my son regain control over it.

 

 

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To me, it sounds like your husband has been given a get-out-of-jail-free card and is playing it for all it's worth, sorry to say. That's really unfortunate and I feel for you! I think, like you say that the main consideration here is your son. He obviously is an intelligent boy but he is at a crucial age in his development and I think you are right to be concerned that he is unable to build on his social skills if he is gaming all the time. Why does your husband not feel this is important? Is there any way that a compromise could be reached? Are there any computer-related or technology clubs that your son could attend so that he could do what he enjoys but also meet other people and develop his social skills at the same time? I don't think that your son being in his room all the time is a healthy thing. I have to admit that I spent a fair lot of time in my own room when I was that age on my own and 'alone time' is very important but it can go over into 'too much alone time'. Your son needs to learn to engage in different situations with different people in the 'real' world in. School is one learning platform, outside of school is an entirely different thing. I think it's very important to learn as much as possible in the teenage years and equips teenagers with ASD with the skills necessary to live as full an adult life as possible.

 

Good Luck

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Does your husband give you care and attention in other ways or does he direct it all towards your son? Do you have any interests that you can throw yourself into?

 

I have recently gotten to know somebody whose husband has AS and although they don't have children, they live virtually separate lives. I only discovered last year that I myself have several traits of AS (my wife is NT) but we have a child who (thankfully) does not share my obsessions. My wife is very tolerant of me but I suppose I don't talk about my obsessions very much. I'm desperately trying to learn how NT people communicate as I feel I've lost 40 years of my life through lack of innate knowledge.

 

Constant gaming will not encourage your son to learn social skills and this may go against him if his peers start to tease him etc. Are you in a wheelchair? Can you take your son out to do other activities in order to divert his mind from gaming or does your disability restrict you? Does your son read and enjoy books apart from dinosaurs?

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Sorry I havent replied quicker, been a busy couple of days.

 

Have been giving a lot of thought to my dilema over the last couple of days and decided after Christmas and new year I am quite simply going to put my foot down and restrict my sons gamin to an hour a day on school days and two hours (split into two sessions) on non school days. I know 2 hours still seems a lot but its drastically less than currently.

 

Santa will be bringing lots of board games so I am going to do my best to get engage my son in those. Also going to look into more clubs and groups for him to attend, have just learned about a sports centre in my area which is tailored for disabled children, and a judo class for children on the spectrum etc. If I can even get him involved in more activities like these I'd be less worried about him spending time on his computer when he's at home. Thank you Lyndalou for inspiration of going to see what clubs were about... no computers clubs that I am aware of so far.

 

Special talent, yes we already have him games which require him to be out his seat and being more active, unfortunately these are the least used of his games, but he does already play the sims occasionally.

 

Robert, my husband is somewhat affectionate towards me, although its not in his nature to be overly affectionate, even towards our son, but despite this I'd say we have a good relationship. We do go through times where I feel like we're living separate lives as we have such little common interests but over all I can't complain too much, we spend a lot of time together and he is very loving in his own way. Although I am not in a wheelchair my mobility is very poor and I walk with sticks most of the time. This means I can't really do an awful lot with my son outdoors as he is extremely emotional and when upset he has a tendency to take off and put himself in danger and obviously I can't catch him if he does, if not allowed to run off he fights and can become very aggressive and I struggle to cope with that alone these days as he's a big boy for his age (he's 8 but wears size 11 years clothes). He does occasionally read roald dahl books and things but its very much a last resort for him if he has nothing else to do. Like I said above, I am going to try and enrol him into as many clubs as I can. He currently goes to a social club for children with special needs and its taken him a long time to settle in but he now loves it and they have suggested trying him with some kind of martial arts as they have been doing some stuff with him and apparently he's very good at it.

 

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

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Hi Lisa

 

It sounds like you've had a really good think about the direction you would like to go in in the New Year!

 

I had a thought....in January I'm meeting with a Social Worker to get a referral to a club for kids with Special Needs that runs all day Saturday every second Saturday. They do all sorts of activities and an emphasis is placed on learning social skills. It is also supposed to be a means of respite for parents. The age range is 5 to 12 so quite broad (possibly too broad). I'm just wondering if there might be something similar close to you?

 

Lynda :)

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To start: I'm 42 and got my dx at age 37; my son's 9 and got his dx at age 3.

I've spent lots of nights with my N64 (that was in the 90s), but it has sort of worn off; re. my son, my wife and I consent that he shouldn't be "exposed" too much to any screens (TV, computer, console), so there's no such thing in his room. We prefer for him to train his motor skills in RL situations (e.g. swimming).

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Would just like to quickly update.

 

Its a Christmas miracle, all of a sudden my husband is on board with restricting the time spent on computers. I decided I was going to restrict it whether he liked it or not so instead my usual 'will you back me up' conversation I just said 'this is my plans, he'll still get time on it, just not as much, I want him to spend more time with us as a family and I'm sick of having tantrums when he's out the house as he wants home to play computers'. I gave him a couple of days past Christmas to play his new games and then before I knew it my husband was telling him to switch it off and come and play board games/watch a movie, or whatever. I'm in bed ill today and was delighted to hear my husband insist he got out his room and off the computer and join him in the sitting room to watch a Disney movie despite the fact I wasn't even there! he's still getting a little too much time on computers but we've taken a huge step in the right direction and its a foundation on which we can build! :)

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