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Sammysnake

Asperger's Rules!: How to Make Sense of School and Friends

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Has anyone read the above book and would you recommend it? My daughter is 12 and in her first year at Secondary school. I know she's feeling a little concerned about making new friendships and breaking into groups etc and I saw her pick up a book about 'how to be more confident' in a bookshop today but she doesn't want to talk much about what's going on. I'm trying to find something to help her out. Thanks.

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Hi Sammysnake

 

I'm afraid I haven't read the book but it gets very good reviews on amazon. Maybe it's worth buying it and reading it first to see what you think before your daughter reads it? I don't think that whatever she needs to know and learn she will find in a book necessarily and whatever strategies she reads about in the book will have to be put into 'practice' so any book will just be a starting point. Does she have a friend who could guide her and explain certain difficult situations to her perhaps?

 

If I had any advice from a personal point of view, I would start now explaining to her and supporting her in how to be around boys. At your daughter's age I was just 'discovering' boys and I always put a very romantic spin on my (extremely full on and obvious) crushes as I got older. It is a good idea to encourage good positive relationships with other girls, helping her to avoid those who wouldn't have her best interests at heart.

 

Lynda :)

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Hi Lynda, thanks for replying. Fortuntely my daughter and I have until this point been able to talk about anything very freely and we've talked a lot about friendship groups, where to find your self esteem (ie not in other people), relationships, peer pressure, sex etc. As to boys - at the moment her crushes are on girls but the same advice stands - even more so I think as she tries to find out where she fits in the world. It's a difficult balance to try to help her feel that whoever she becomes and whatever she thinks and feels is OK but also that not everyone thinks that way and she needs to be careful what she says and shows to her peers for fear of giving the bullies a target. She's always gotten along best with boys to the extent that I had to send her to Girls Brigade when she was younger just to make her spend a little time with some girls and see that they're not all so bad! Now they're getting older though you get more flack for having male friends so I think for the first time she's looking to make some female friends but doesn't really have anything much in common with them as far as she's able to see. Makeup, clothes, popstars etc are all hell on earth to her!

 

Anyway we're talking a lot and I'm giving her tips about the things we discuss but as she's now a teenager (physically and mentally if not chronologically yet), she's keeping more to herself which means I can't help. If I can find a book that covers the things I believe she's struggling with internally, I think she'll read it and use it as a self help book. It's got to be the right one though as she doesn't like talking about AS. I will definitely read it first myself and then I can discuss bits with her later if she reads it too. I think I'll order the book as the description sounds good - it's just frustrating that I can't pick it off a bookshelf and leaf through it first before paying the cash!!

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Aspergers and girls is a good book as it features some of the most knowledgable people in the field including Tony Atwood and Temple Grandin. But it is more a book for you, as a parent, to read and get help on how best to help your daughter.

 

I found Aspergirls by Rudy Simone to be quite helpful, but I am an adult (female with AS).

 

Hope this helps

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Aspergers and girls is a good book as it features some of the most knowledgable people in the field including Tony Atwood and Temple Grandin. But it is more a book for you, as a parent, to read and get help on how best to help your daughter.

 

I found Aspergirls by Rudy Simone to be quite helpful, but I am an adult (female with AS).

 

Hope this helps

I was going to mention the first book too Amberzak :) but having read it like you say, I think it's really more of a guide for parents on how to support and guide their daughters. I don't think it's particularly comprehensive either but it does in general get good reviews. There's 'Asperger 's in pink' too but I've never read that one. 'Aspergirls' may be worth a read but I think it's audience is more adults than children/teenagers.

 

You have a brilliant starting point - an open and honest relationship and she knows where you are if she needs you. If you can keep the lines of communication open even if she is keeping many of her feelings more private then her transition into her teens will hopefully go more smoothly. Although I had a good relationship with my own mum to a degree at that age, in my early teens I lost a lot of my trust in her as I felt she ignored my needs and even laughed at me when I was very vulnerable. I therefore saw no point in confiding in her and kept all the difficulties I experienced to myself. I think it's crucial that you do not lose this trust because it's very harmful to 'suffer in silence' and can cause a lot of unnecessary distress. Let your daughter be herself and don't make her pigeonhole herself into being something she's not comfortable being. I think that a balance can definitely be struck where she can maintain her individuality and still form appropriate and healthy friendships. However, it's up to her if she wants to 'conform' more or not - as she gets older she might feel the need to do this.

 

Lynda :)

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