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Extreme anxiety, school refusing - help

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My son has Aspergers with very high anxiety. Over last 4 years he moved from mainstream primary to Primary special school and now at lovely very small Independant special school. Despite CAMHS input, medication, therapy and both special schools bending over backwards to help, he simply can't cope with going to school each day. His taxi has been dropped as he couldn't cope with leaving the house each morning and rarely went into the taxi. I now drive him each day (1 hr journey) but he freezes up on arrival and can't/won't get out. We've tried everything including shorter days, fun games in the car, distraction, relaxation techniques, alternative school entrance and process. He keeps saying how much he loves his school but that he doesn't know why he can't go in. Even on the very rare dates he does, he often blanks of or refuses to move from his classroom, even at lunchtime. It's heartbreaking to see him go through the agonies of such extreme anxiety every day. I can't home educate as I'm not in the best of health (having had a breakdown only 6 months ago) and he is so incredibly bright and interested in subjects I simply don't know enough about like Computer Science, astrophysics, philosophy and music! He needs a place where he could chat to experts in their field on a 1:1 basis, as an equal, at a high level (A level minimum, even though he's only 12), in an informal environment (nowhere that feels like a school). We live in Kent and I don't know what to suggest next. Are there very small, very intelligent/nerdy schools that might take him boarding? He is emotionally young, so they would have to be very caring. Can anyone help or give me some alternative ideas? Of how can I help him to overcome his fear and get him to leave the car and attend his current school?

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I can strongly identify with your son's dilemma from my own experience of school. I was also extremely fearful of school, but for a very good reason - daily bullying. Unlike him, I detested school, and the experience damaged me irreparably.

 

It sounds to me as if he has a true (clinical) phobia - it's disproportionate and irrational, for he actually likes school. It's important to know the precise cause of this phobia. If it's AS related it's likely to be a fear of social situations. I loved learning, and could bear the lessons (although uninspiring), but it was the social agenda of school life that caused all the anxiety. If this is the cause, maybe the school could arrange for him to avoid social situations with the other children - say, a quiet room on his own, or maybe with a close friend or adult. I would much have preferred being on my own during break times, and when I was older I made a point of escaping to an island on the lake to be alone.and 'recharge' myself. (It wasn't quite an island and I'd found a secret path there without getting too wet! :) ). Most phobias can usually easily be treated (generally with CBT) so I suggest you find a specialist in this area, ideally one who treats schoolphobia, but if your son's phobia is AS related, treatment like this is unlikely to work. (Home education is often the only solution with Aspie children and state schooling).

Ideally, looking back, my education would have flourished if I'd had the opportunity to learn on a 1:1 basis with a knowledgeable and likeable adult. I was always more attracted to adult company than to that of my peers, who seemed so alien and stupid to me. Like your son, I was emotionally young - and still am, now feeling far more at ease with those much younger than myself. School was a waste of my childhood. It taught me very little, except how confusing and cruel the NT world could be. I've always had a passion for learning and I'm a self-taught polymath. Your son sounds very similar to me.

Hope this helps. Please let me know how you get on.

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My son also has an Anxiety Disorder and OCD. He was out of school for primary year 5. He is now at an independent ASD specific secondary school. It took them 9 months to get him in again. Recently he has refused school again.

 

The way, we have found, is to reduce things to a level where he does feel able to go into school, even if it is for just an hour.

 

You say he's already had a reduced timetable? My son is just doing english, maths, science and SALT and OT therapy.

 

Try to meet each and every cause of anxiety. For example, my son struggles to recognise people from their face or remember their name. So each situation, with an adult is NEW to him even if he has worked with that adult for years. So what we have done is arrange for ALL the adults in his class and therapy team to wear a yellow star, so that he knows they are part of his team. That has helped.

 

He also stays in class with an adult for break, and goes over and collects his lunch and brings it back to class for dinner. And he goes to adult supervised dinner time clubs.

 

He has lots of breaks throughout the day. He watches a DVD every day. He gets lots of 1:1 from staff.

 

He still refuses school sometimes. And I am currently driving him in. He goes to school for 11.00am.

 

We too thought of full time boarding as we thought that it would remove the anxiety around transitions, getting into the taxi etc. But he loves his home, and due to OCD he finds it hard to be in different environments as his fears are about contamination and also intrusive thoughts.

 

He became fearful that we were going to make him live in school. He said he did not want to board in school. So boarding would not work, although we have been offered full time residential. Currently he sleeps over for one night a week. We did get it up to 3 nights, but then he refused school again. We would like to increase his residential stays slowly as he gets older. But it would be torture for him to be kept in school in the very environment that triggers alot of his OCD.

 

Friends really did not understand and said that I should just do it. But Anxiety/OCD is a mental health disorder. Making him board when he did not want to would be like having him certified. It would take control away from him again. It would break his trust with us as his parents. It is VERY important that trust is built so that your son knows that he will not be encouraged or made to endure more than he can.

 

We have also taught him a hand signal to use that staff know means he has had enough and they need to stop, or remove him from the environment, or distract him etc. The sign means his anxiety has taken hold again.

 

And by giving our son control, that does reduce his anxiety. Because for him it is all the "What if" scenarios that make him anxious, and some of those fears are very mundane such as "what if someone speaks to me. What will they say. What will be expected of me. What will I need to do/say." This was an area we never even thought was causing him anxiety.

 

We too tried medication, up to 200mg sertraline/day. But we found it made him like a zombie with a flat depressed mood, and did not help with the anxiety at all. So we've slowly taken him off that.

 

Sometimes all you do is the best you can, and it just takes time. Anxiety is a horrible thing. Your son needs to slowly learn to manage his anxiety by 'feeling anxious' and just accepting that and being quiet, and using any other techniques to help, until he calms down again and sees that nothing bad happened.

 

Could his anxiety be OCD based?

Edited by Sally44

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(it's interesting sally44 discussed the bullying issue)

 

that was the issue with getting our lad to go to school.

 

(I think me & sally and others discussed this in another thread?) the threads ought to be joined?

 

I agree it could possibly be your youngster is interested in stuff that his peers just can't relate too,

 

so hence they pick on him as different, and hence he don't want to go there, cause he's picked on

 

(who would want to go? that doesn't just apply to kids.. us adults feel just the same about our jobs if we get picked on there?)

 

when we found our son had different interests to "his peers" & it was mainly causing the problem and getting him bullied, it was easy to fix it.

 

best thing is just to get your kid to be candid.. and tell you exactly what the problem is?

 

I know it's very hard to get younglins to be open with us oldie grown up parents, cause they find it difficult to open up with us, cause they don't want to appear weak :-(

 

but if you can manage it, you often get tons of insight into their "stuff", and it can help one understand?

 

we moved our son to a school where the pupils were more like him, and were more tolerant of "peers" who were different, and it make the world of difference.

 

he started going to school again (after two years of not!) and saved me from having to go to prison. yah!

 

but I didn't care about that.. I was just happy he started to be happy.

 

(in this country, if your kid don't go to school, they do put the parents in prison :-(

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If the anxiety/phobia is being caused by OCD rather than by AS (?social), there's a far better chance of curing it. Of course, it could be a mixture of both, but even so, I'm sure a lot could be done to improve your son's experience of school - Sally & Dotmars have some excellent suggestions.

"in this country, if your kid don't go to school, they do put the parents in prison". Help! :o Which country is this?

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I can entirely sympathise with our dilemma. It really exemplifies the problems educating an AS child. Our son is also gifted in some areas but really struggles with school.and at present is achieving well below his potential.

 

Pretty much all of the "best" AS schools are small and have a significant proportion of pupils residential - typically they are around 40-70 pupils with no more than 6 in any one class and high staff ratios (e.g. a teacher and 2TAs per class). If you haven't seen them then I would recommend going to visit a few. Even if they are not right for your son you will begin to get a feel for what AS / ASD provision is like and that will help you in thinking about how best to support your son.

 

In the south look at the schools run by Priory Group and Cambian. NAS also have a school in Kent "Helen Allison" , but I think they have comparatively few boarding/residential students.

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My son goes to one of the SENAD schools, ie. Alderwasley School Hall.

 

He's refused school again today. Nothing had happened yesterday to cause it. It is OCD intrusive thoughts and obsessions today. And nothing more school or home can do to help. So we just try again tomorrow.

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I've since becoming cogative aware,

 

of the youjglings situations?

 

I;ve found it very hard to decide for tem.

 

yeah.. I find a load of people who I don't know say stuff? jusy like me?

 

I am certsin ythey mean no harm?

 

letn us all do It real, and let the aspies deide?

 

I've noticed on here we alweays get to hear the career? but not the actual folks? I think in future we need to hear

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