Up till a family death 10 years ago I was always bright but had somewhat low self esteem, but in part that was because whilst other 21 year olds(I am 31 now) were out clubbing id rather watch a dvd or play video games though did start drinking once a week but only for a few hours i.e 10pm to 3am once a week and spend under £20.
After the family death I suffered from depression but I think my social issues intensified it
Here is where it gets a little stranger though, at same time of family death I started changing my pattern of living i.e instead of watching a movie or playing a game I had a pc on from waking up to bed time so my concentration was divided between 2 things at once, in the past it was more like I read a book whilst having tv on but apart from the random glance at tv I would read a book.
About 6 years ago it got to the point where I can never focus so am depressed, now and again I will have the tv turned off and play a video game on pc and love it, or have computer turned off and love watching tv but 2 at once I feel spaced out.
Anyway a few days ago I asked for sleeping tablets as this sort of feelings extend into my sleep i.e I wake a lot and no matter if 8 hours or 18 hours I feel spaced out as my mind races with a huge amount of information.
The sleeping pills havent made me sleep less, and I still wake up but I dont toss and turn in bed, and my mind doesnt race when I wake up in middle of night and when I get up I am relaxed.
I am thinking that the reason for feeling bad all the time is the huge amount of information rushing through my brain all the time so the pills just filtered it out so I can get a good night sleep(I have always been one for a good night sleep even when younger and invited to all night parties or a 24 hour games night.
So if I can take something that filters out everything I can recover from years of depression, tried anti depressants and they did nothing
I have never been one to drink or take illegal drugs(or legal highs) because they seem too extreme, if I drink it may relax me a little but then the poison effect numbs my eyes and head and just makes me want to sleep(I get a good nights sleep with drink too) I have tried cannabis but it just chills me out and doesnt actually relax me in that sense and with both drink and non OTC/prescribed drugs I get bad come downs, even a energy drink makes me crash a lot.
Also when I am clear headed I never want to eat very often, but when I am crashing even if taking nothing I eat to stay awake which is why I gained about 7 stone in 7 years and yet at times like when I have had a relaxing day I basically starve as I dont feel like I need to eat as I am not crashing.