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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   Depression and other mental health difficulties are common amongst people on the autistic spectrum and their carers.   People who are affected by general mental health difficulties are encouraged to receive and share information, support and advice with other forum members, though it is important to point out that this exchange of information is generally based on personal experience and opinions, and is not a substitute for professional medical help.   There is a list of sources of mental health support here: <a href="http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=18801" target="_blank">Mental Health Resources link</a>   People may experience a more serious crisis with their mental health and need urgent medical assistance and advice. However well intentioned, this is not an area of support that the forum can or should be attempting to offer and we would urge members who are feeling at risk of self-harm or suicide to contact either their own GP/health centre, or if out of hours contact NHS Direct on 0845 4647 or to call emergency services 999.   We want to reassure members that they have our full support in offering and seeking advice and information on general mental health issues. Members asking for information in order to help a person in their care are seeking to empower both themselves and those they represent, and we would naturally welcome any such dialogue on the forum.   However, any posts which are deemed to contain inference of personal intent to self-harm and/or suicide will be removed from the forum and that person will be contacted via the pm system with advice on where to seek appropriate help.   In addition to the post being removed, if a forum member is deemed to indicate an immediate risk to themselves, and are unable to be contacted via the pm system, the moderating team will take steps to ensure that person's safety. This may involve breaking previous confidentiality agreements and/or contacting the emergency services on that person's behalf.   Sometimes posts referring to self-harm do not indicate an immediate risk, but they may contain material which others find inappropriate or distressing. This type of post will also be removed from the public forum at the moderator's/administrator's discretion, considering the forum user base as a whole.   If any member receives a PM indicating an immediate risk and is not in a position (or does not want) to intervene, they should forward the PM to the moderating team, who will deal with the disclosure in accordance with the above guidelines.   We trust all members will appreciate the reasoning behind these guidelines, and our intention to urge any member struggling with suicidal feelings to seek and receive approproiate support from trained and experienced professional resources.   The forum guidelines have been updated to reflect the above.   Regards,   The mod/admin team
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Laddo

Finding love

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Laddo   

I, like many aspies, am quite lonely and really keen to meet someone to love. I have tried a couple of Aspergers/ASD dating sites but you have to pay unfortunately. I'm scared that if I go to one of the mainstream sites, I will be rejected by all the NT women on there for being different. To be honest, I want a woman with Aspergers who understands me over an NT woman.

 

I have been in four relationships in the past - one with an aspie woman I met on another forum, another one through the same forum, another through an online friend and my latest ex I met at work. All of these women approached me first. The first two were confirmed aspies, the third had never been diagnosed or assessed but I am sure she's aspie and the fourth had some aspie traits but was mostly a psychopath and very abusive. Considering I met the first three online I think online dating is the best way to go. None of the relationships ended well but I would like to think I have learnt from my mistakes. Has anyone got any success stories from online dating? Any happy aspie couples out there and do you have any tips?

Edited by Laddo

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Mihaela   

At one time I felt like this but gradually I realised that I was only trying to be 'normal' and that it wasn't for me. I like my solitude and I'm never really lonely. I miss my parents being around to talk to though, for they knew me better than anyone else. I easily fall in love and this has been a failing, for like many Aspies I'm asexual, and people expect more than I can give.

 

 

I'm afraid of getting into close relationships for I've been badly let down and exploited in the past. You speak of an aspie who abused you and was psychopathic. I had the same experience and it wasn't pleasant at all (I'm still trying to work out exactly what the other condition was - probably a combination of sociopathic PD and narcissistic PD along with pathological meanness). I think both aspie-NT and aspie-aspie relationships can work, and I've read of lots of success stories from both groups. I do hope you find someone worth keeping this time. :)

Edited by Mihaela

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Sorry, can't help with on-line dating

 

But it took me a long time to find love and I'm married to an NT wife who is also my best friend and soulmate. She understands me.

 

Do you have any interests worth sharing?

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Laddo   

At the moment, mostly all I want is someone who understands me who I can share experiences with and have cuddles with etc. I also want a best friend and soulmate far more than sex etc. and I genuinely believe that I can only be best friends with a woman. Friendships with men are fine, but there is too much competitiveness that I can never win with.

 

I also fall in love far too easily and like Mihaela get exploited as a result. I don't believe any of the women apart from the most recent that I fell in love with and had relationships with meant to exploit me though - they just had low self-esteem and saw me too much as a 'rock', something which I couldn't uphold for too long. it's a shame, because deep down, I want to be a rock for someone. I love helping people too much. The traits that Mihaela described sound very similar to my most recent ex.

 

Collectingrocks, I am so glad to hear you have found your soulmate. :) With regard to whether I have any interests worth sharing, that is down to the individual women that may or may not fall in love with me to decide. My main interests are displayed on my profile, but I am having difficulty finding someone who shares the same interests and is actually interested in me as a result of that. I genuinely would be willing to give up sex to be happy with a woman who is my best friend, my soulmate and who understands me. The problem is, no one is willing to believe that

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Mihaela   

I'm an incurable romantic, but at the emotional level of a naive 12-year old. People have so often misunderstood me because of this. All my close relationships have a bittersweet aspect to them. I can only truly be myself with another of similar emotional age. (Their chronological age is irrelevant).

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Laddo   

I'm the same to some extent but with me being with someone of a similar emotional age causes a lot of problems. I've been in relationships where both myself and my partner have been of a similar emotional age and we ended up clashing and arguing quite a lot. Being emotionally quite young makes me feel rather jealous and paranoid and my partner would feel the same but as I'm a man, I was expected to be the 'strong' one. Somehow me being jealous was pathetic according to my ex but it wasn't for her? Right, makes perfect sense...

 

I'm wondering if falling in love easily is an aspie thing? When I was a member of another ASD forum I got a lot of private messages from aspie girls after putting up a photo of myself. According to other people I'm a handsome lad but never get this sort of female attention in real life.

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Mihaela   

...as I'm a man, I was expected to be the 'strong' one. Somehow me being jealous was pathetic according to my ex but it wasn't for her?

 

I'm wondering if falling in love easily is an aspie thing?

People shouldn't make assumptions. We're all different, and differences transcend gender stereotypes.

 

I read somewhere that falling in love easily is an Aspie thing. Can't remember where I read it, but if I find it I'll let you know. I think when I've fallen in love (many times since I was about five!) it's been more like a crush, and it's always felt the same... but then is there any difference? I don't know.

Edited by Mihaela

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I can't advise you laddo.

 

sorry :-(

 

I've had many "relationships"

 

they were a mixture of NT's and autistic's, sourced from the net and reality.

 

what I usually found was there was always baggage. my baggage and theirs.

 

they always were always nice,

 

so I trusted them, gave em access to my means,

 

but then I suddenly found they were using my resources to cover and protect "their" dysfunctional people without asking me.

 

I think we've discussed this on other threads?

 

it got to the point where i'd notice amounts of money disappearing from my bank, that could buy a car,

 

and then i'd see a step kid who i didn't even like, drive up a week later in a new car.

 

let's just say they weren't loved ones for long.

 

i'm glad you haven't yet discovered folks who try that?

 

i have loads of advice about who to avoid, but none about who to seek?

 

for all us all it's just a lucky dip when it comes to love stuff. a random Hodge podge.

 

it takes many years for most folks to find "her" or "him" who's just right.

 

for most relationships, you have to you have to endure seven years of incompatibility clashes, before it all smooths out, and one can even see there is something there that is worth hanging on for?

 

(hence the seven year itch?)

 

i wish you the best of luck on your search for your soul mate, and am sorry i can offer no proper advice.

 

no one can on stuff like that.

 

all the best.

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Laddo   

Mihaela: For me it has always felt different to a crush. It's always been a lot more powerful a feeling, where I feel like you would do anything for my partner and her happiness becomes one of the most important things to me. Unfortunately being a romantic does not seem to be an appealing trait in men these days; my attempts to be romantic would always fall on deaf ears to both women I had real-life relationships with which really does sting. I dunno if that's just an aspie thing though - my first girlfriend was diagnosed aspie and my second had a lot of the traits as well as being a psycho. I'm pretty much NT half the time so I go into NT romance mode. I think aspie romance is quite different.

 

Dotmarsdotcom: Ouch! Sorry to hear it mate. Fortunately I haven't encountered any women who steal like that. I usually do pretty much everything for a girlfriend but I don't think I'd trust someone with my money until I had been with her for a good few years. To be honest I think our aspie traits - such as being intensely loyal and generally honest - can be taken advantage of by the wrong partner. It's just a huge mystery who might take advantage and who is actually genuine. Dating sites seem like they could work to some extent, but I've used aspie-only ones before and most of the members either never go online or just completely ignore my messages. It's quite soul-destroying - all I tend to say is something along the lines of 'hey, how are you?', they could at least reply! I just don't know what to do any more. I feel like I've got too much love to give, like an almost physical need to give someone my affections. I don't even know how to tell when a woman fancies me in real life - if she keeps looking at me is that a good sign or a bad one? It's all so confusing.

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Mihaela   

For me it has always felt different to a crush. It's always been a lot more powerful a feeling, where I feel like you would do anything for my partner and her happiness becomes one of the most important things to me.

Perhaps I don't know what a crush really is, for all my 'crushes' have been as you describe - even at five. Their intensity has never changed. I suppose I call them crushes because they're unrequited and 'secret'.

Unfortunately being a romantic does not seem to be an appealing trait in men these days; my attempts to be romantic would always fall on deaf ears to both women I had real-life relationships with which really does sting.

I bet it does. :( I should know, for I'm an incurable romantic - far too unworldly for these modern times.

I'm pretty much NT half the time so I go into NT romance mode. I think aspie romance is quite different.

I really don't know. Maybe my 'romance mode' is NT, but to experience that mode at five, and so easily, isn't.

 

I feel like I've got too much love to give, like an almost physical need to give someone my affections. I don't even know how to tell when a woman fancies me in real life - if she keeps looking at me is that a good sign or a bad one? It's all so confusing.

Same here, but we can never have too much love. (If I was devoutly religious I would have been a nun - like my cousin, but instead I'm secular but 'spiritual', i.e. I feed off inspiration, and that includes love. It's like an addiction; it takes over my very being). I have no physical need. In my mind I feel as if I do, but in real life I shy away from physical stuff. It scares and confuses me. But then for most of the time I don't live in 'real life'; I live inside my head. I'm equally confused about knowing if someone fancies me, and I've long given up trying to fathom it out.

Edited by Mihaela

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Laddo   

For me crushes have always been more about just wanting to be in close proximity with whoever I have a crush on. I know (for me at least) that they're different to love because I have had crushes on other men before but I know I'm not gay. I did think that my first crush was true love though, but since then I have been in love and it was... powerful. Dangerously powerful in fact, to the point where I pretty much become a slave to whoever I love's will.

 

It really is soul-destroying that so few people appreciate romance these days. It seems that in modern times, to succeed in love a man has to be an arrogant berk. I know this isn't what all women want and that I shouldn't go for the sort of woman who is attracted to arrogance anyway, but it does knock one's confidence when one strives to find the 'right' sort of woman and constantly fails.

 

Regarding having no physical need but feeling as if you do in your mind, this seems to be very common among aspie women. I wonder why this could be? My ex, however, was the polar opposite - she absolutely loved sex but felt like she shouldn't in her mind.

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I've always struggled with relationships. I've never been involved in any intimately, but it would definitely nice to have somebody. The only problem is that I have quite a severe social anxiety problem, and this causes two issues; the first being that I can never seem to find a relationship in the first place since I find it impossible to speak with practically anybody, never mind women. The second is that I want somebody who is more like me than anything, that would enter a relationship gingerly just to see how it goes rather than rushing through it and that is also quite shy but not so much that they're not willing to have fun.

 

It's not something I want to give up on, but it's something that I can't really work on because I have no idea how to.

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I have only been seriously in love once, completely unrequited and stamped on (by me), however she was good fun to work with and gave me good support, she was my junior or assistant at work. Second choice, we interviewed only girls that time, massive response to a 'computer' job, so binned all from 'boys'. Illegal I know, so what. Ended up with two assistants, the other a boy, no girls applied that time, ugh. All via snail mail.

I think she caught on, I allowed her to do things that the boy could not get away with, taking her to lunch with my mother must have helped there too. My big regret, is that being what I am, I could not see until it was too late, that it was no longer unrequited, its hard that one.

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Mihaela   

Laddo said:

 

For me crushes have always been more about just wanting to be in close proximity with whoever I have a crush on. ...I did think that my first crush was true love though, but since then I have been in love and it was... powerful. Dangerously powerful in fact, to the point where I pretty much become a slave to whoever I love's will.

 

For me, it's always been powerful, and being in close proximity has been the overpowering main feeling, although at times I've unwittingly found myself becoming a slave. When that happens I instinctively back away before I get burnt.

 

It really is soul-destroying that so few people appreciate romance these days.

I suppose I identify most with the platonic chivalric ideal. I find unrequited, lost or unrealistic love fascinating and romantic in a strange kind of way, and I'm attracted to art, poetry, prose and songs on this eternal theme.

 

Regarding having no physical need but feeling as if you do in your mind, this seems to be very common among aspie women. I wonder why this could be?

 

You may well be right, but as to the reason why I'm just as mystified as you are. I've always been emotionally/romantically attracted to females or 'feminine' males (generally much younger in years than myself), aesthetically attracted to young females (not relevant to social relations) and sexually attracted to nobody.

 

Exodus said:

I find it impossible to speak with practically anybody.

I did long ago, but very slowly I learnt by copying.

The second is that I want somebody who is more like me than anything.

 

So did I, long ago. Now I need nobody, but I do find that many people seem to need me. Last night I was at a friend's, a young woman I've known for some years. I always say I can't stay long, so she makes me meals and tries all kinds of tricks to keep me there longer. She's very lonely, and part of me feels I should spend Christmas with her. It hurts to think she'll be there pulling a cracker with herself, wearing the hat and playing with her cats. The difference is that I enjoy my Christmases alone (with my cats!) out of choice. I still go through the rituals, but as part of my rigid Aspie routine thing. Modern society is cruel and selfish when it comes to lonely people. The sense of community in England seems not to apply to the indigenous English people any more. True community spirit here seems increasingly confined to Jews, Muslims, Roma, European immigrants, etc. - and the past. Old people are shoved away from their families into homes - only too often "out of sight; out of mind".

 

It's not something I want to give up on, but it's something that I can't really work on because I have no idea how to.

Nor, me. It just happens. It think it helps by not trying too hard. :)

 

Waterboatman said:

My big regret, is that being what I am, I could not see until it was too late, that it was no longer unrequited, its hard that one.

 

This would happen to me too, long ago. Bittersweet memories.

At that time I never understood why. Now that I do, I'm no longer harsh upon myself. I did my best. I made the wrong assumptions and so did others.

 

 

 

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Laddo   

An interesting thought: I wonder if physical attraction is aspie women is just different in general? I say this because (and not to blow my own trumpet here) I seem to be quite attractive to aspie women but not really to NT women. On another ASD forum I was a member of I got quite a lot of messages from female members after putting a photo up with a couple of them calling me hot and in person I've noticed girls who appear to have aspie traits seem a lot more interested in me than NT girls (who generally act as if I don't exist). Even a lesbian former friend of mine frequently called me sexy, hot and even beautiful. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it all but I just find this all a little too much of a coincidence that NT women act as if I'm invisible but aspie women find me attractive. Thoughts?

 

By the way, I say this about just aspie women because from what I've seen, aspie men find NT women just as attractive as aspie women, as do NT men find aspie women attractive.

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