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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

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Akunin

Moving out of the family home.

18 posts in this topic

I just wondered what sort of help I could get in looking for somewhere to live by myself?

 

I am currently unemployed and claiming benefits and due to issues at home I think it is time I looked into moving into a place of my own. My only worries are I would want a quiet area and a house rather than a flat as I don't cope well with noise from other people, I also own pets which I would want to take with me and I am not sure how I would go about finding somewhere with all these requirements?

 

I would be grateful for any advice.

Thank you

-Akunin

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Akunin, I live in a quite area apparently. A terraced bungalow in an over 50's area. I have just had escorted 'trick-or-treat' children at my door! They did not knock very loudly and as my bedroom overlooks the door, I stayed put and very quiet. Previously I lived on a canal boat, ok if your fit and strong. And its possible to get housing benefit for them. If you can cope with trains passing, ducks making a racket, odd noises from fish, and be able to hear boats coming before they collide with your boat, its the only way to get a really quite place for a couple of weeks before finding another. Its possible to find very quite spots. Moving early just as the sun rises can be so calming if your engine is silent.

As for land I seriously doubt you will have any luck, it was hard for me to get rehoused, I am seriously disabled becoming dependant on a wheelchair, living in an unadapted bungalow.

I too am sensitive to noise. But I settled for the first 'it will do' place as soon as I got on the priority housing list. The non priority list, means you have to bid for properties no one else wants, no good for me and no good for you.

Other than that, sharing with another is really your only option.

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Hello Akunin. If I was in your position I'd honestly not know what to do. Times are bad enough for setting up home, let alone if you're an unemployed aspie with pets. Years ago, when times were easier, I knew a friend who moved into a small eco-friendly home on a piece of land shared by similar people. I know there are still a few communities like this left in remote parts of Wales. In eastern Europe it's much easier to find places in the countryside. I read of a Frenchwoman who moved into an empty cottage in one of the 1000s of deserted villages in Russia. She had a whole village to herself and her pets, obtained all she needed from the neighbouring villages, and kept in touch with the outside world via the internet! I really envy that kind of life.

 

I can well understand you needing somewhere quiet and wanting to keep your pets. Sorry I can't help you any more.

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I'm in a similar situation to yours Akunin. The only thing I can suggest is to get yourself on the social housing list and hope that your local housing authority is understanding of your condition. It is unfortunately notoriously difficult for people to get the homes they need from the housing associations, especially those of use with ASDs. But definitely worth a try at least. I would do it myself but I'm illegible for support as I owe council tax. Is the situation at the family home stable enough for you to stay there at least until you find somewhere else?

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I don't want to sound mean Akunin but all over the country are people who`d love a quiet house (not flat) of their own to be provided and paid for by someone else. These are not people with AS. I must stress that I really don't want to sound so harsh. However, reality impinges and I think you could benefit from thinking for a bit about what compromises you could make. Aspergers compromise ? I hear you ask. Yes I know that's hard but try sitting down and writing down a list of desirables, essentials, and non negotiables and cross reference those with a list of what finance is really available, what housing options are available or even a list of what you need to know or find out. Turning abstract wondering into concrete action can be useful. It may even be that the current living conditions turn out to be the best currently available. Good luck anyway

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"nippy sweetie" has got it in one. I stayed with my parents all my life, even when I was working and earning good money. It has its hazards, last one in the nest looks after the parents in their old age.

Where I lived had its problems, noise being a major one, drove me quite mad at times. But in short ASD's need support from people who know them. On your own, you run the risk of having no one around you who understands you!

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Thank you everyone for the replies.

 

I understand it isn't an easy list to fill, but I was thinking more of renting privately, if possible. Though I am on benefits, I do have a part time job and have been saving so hopefully wouldn't need to rely hugely on the council. Support wise, I need help with basic understanding of renting a property and understanding all the things that come with it (i.e managing money and all the legal jargon) and also help with finding a suitable property that fits my needs.

 

Things have settled somewhat at home, but I am still finding things difficult. I am the youngest of my siblings and am the only one still living at home. My parents are supportive, but more often that not, they find it hard to understand me which causes arguments and extra stress, when I am already highly stressed. I am also finding it hard due to my OCD side, the house is always in a mess and I am constantly cleaning while they just seem to mess it up. I know this doesn't seem like a valid reason for wanting to move but it really does get hard for me. I need order and I feel it is hugely lacking which again, adds to my stress levels.

 

My siblings are all NT's and living in their own houses and I am extremely jealous and don't like the thought of living with my parents for the foreseeable future and know my parents would rather I didn't as well.

 

-Akunin

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Hello again!

 

I understand it isn't an easy list to fill, but I was thinking more of renting privately, if possible. Though I am on benefits, I do have a part time job and have been saving so hopefully wouldn't need to rely hugely on the council.

 

There are lots of unscrupulous landlords about, so please be careful and rent through a reputable estate agent. Being on benefits makes everything more difficult but having a part-time job should be a big help.

 

Support wise, I need help with basic understanding of renting a property and understanding all the things that come with it (i.e managing money and all the legal jargon).

 

Me too! It's a nightmare for me to be expected to understand, let alone handle, money matters and legal stuff, so I know just how you feel.

 

Things have settled somewhat at home, but I am still finding things difficult. I am the youngest of my siblings and am the only one still living at home. My parents are supportive, but more often that not, they find it hard to understand me which causes arguments and extra stress, when I am already highly stressed.

Have they read up on AS? It might be a good idea if they were to join a local parents' group. Talking to other parents could help them understand you better. It's only to be expected that you're the only one still living at home. (By the way, in Europe it's perfectly normal, even expected, for people in their 20s to still be living with their parents - especially if unmarried. Leaving home early is a very English thing.)

I am also finding it hard due to my OCD side, the house is always in a mess and I am constantly cleaning while they just seem to mess it up. I know this doesn't seem like a valid reason for wanting to move but it really does get hard for me. I need order and I feel it is hugely lacking which again, adds to my stress levels.

Oh, but it is a valid reason! I have a close friend with OCD like that, and it makes perfect sense. OCD is largely treatable. It's only a disorder when it causes undue stress in yourself or in others. It can be reduced to merely OC traits. I used to have OCD, and it started to rule my life, but now I just have OC traits and feel a lot better. If under too much stress, my OCD would return, so I try to avoid as much stress as I can.

 

My siblings are all NT's and living in their own houses and I am extremely jealous and don't like the thought of living with my parents for the foreseeable future and know my parents would rather I didn't as well.

 

This makes sense. Another aspie friend of mine lived with her parents until she was 30 (soon after she was diagnosed with AS), and she's been living alone for 5 years now. Her mother virtually kicked her out, for she had other more serious issues and was using her diagnosis as an excuse for appalling behaviour. She also has OCD.

Thanks for the PM, and I hope you find somewhere soon.

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sorry I have not read all your replies.

 

bur re: "the living on your own thing"

 

it's very expensive.

 

these days very expensive.

 

I won't be like these other's who will soft soap it for you,

 

if you are a single man who wants a crash, it's basically not going to happen, unless you want to squat.

 

if you are a lesbian woman, with 10 foreign kids, yeah, that will happen, you'd get a house, but,

 

if you are a native fella of this country, with no dependants, i'm sorry to tell you the truth but it just *aint gonna happen*, that you'll get your own place.

 

even on the council list, I've been looking at how that sort of situation is developing, and basically, unless your a teenage girl, who opened her legs to everyone, and got some bairns brewing in the oven, to them you don't exist.

 

from what I understand, if you have mental issues, they might be prepared to help you, but you'd probably end up in a half way house? which I can assure you is not pleasant.

 

I do have an idea though?

 

if you offered to help out your folks? you know.. do a few jobs around the place, drive them around a bit, do half and half. in short be fair?

 

they might all of sudden decide they don't mind you around?

 

might even give you a more comfortable living situation?

 

us parents aren't complete idiots. we just want to be treated fairly?

 

suggestions --->

 

1) cook them a meal 2 nights a week. it don't matter If the meal is .. all that matters is you tried?

 

2) if you don't have a car, and they do, chuck em £5- £10 a week for gas, for them running you around (if they do?)

 

3) get your mum some flowers once in a while? and watch a movie your old man likes once in a while?

 

..if you do have a car, take em to their favourite garden centre/ café every so often. old folks love that!

 

I bet within a couple of weeks, they would not want you to leave? they'd be begging you to stay?

 

all the best.

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lol.

 

if my kids would of done all that for me, but more importantly their mum,

 

i'd of bought them all their own manor houses by now.

 

instead they just thought about themselves first, so they got nothing! what a shame

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Hi again, Mihaela :)

 

Have they read up on AS? It might be a good idea if they were to join a local parents' group. Talking to other parents could help them understand you better. It's only to be expected that you're the only one still living at home. (By the way, in Europe it's perfectly normal, even expected, for people in their 20s to still be living with their parents - especially if unmarried. Leaving home early is a very English thing.)

 

 

They have sort of read up on AS and my mom has a friend whose adult son has AS, and she often speaks to her, but has also admitted she isn't always sure of how to 'deal' with me. I find that when I try to explain how I am feeling and how things affect me, she often becomes quite defensive and turns it around to the way she feels which doesn't help me. I understand that some things I say may hurt, but it isn't intended that way I am just trying to be honest so she can understand me better.

 

 

Oh, but it is a valid reason! I have a close friend with OCD like that, and it makes perfect sense. OCD is largely treatable. It's only a disorder when it causes undue stress in yourself or in others. It can be reduced to merely OC traits. I used to have OCD, and it started to rule my life, but now I just have OC traits and feel a lot better. If under too much stress, my OCD would return, so I try to avoid as much stress as I can.

 

My OCD definitely becomes much more severe in times of stress, due to work currently being done to the house and everything being upside down I am struggling with it. A few days ago I purchased a new larger media shelf unit, due to running out of space on my old ones. It arrived and I went through checking all the parts were there and then started to take everything off my previous shelves to make room for it, however once I started to put it together (and was over half way through) I noticed the base of the unit had been drilled incorrectly, thus rendering the shelf useless. The company said they would send out a replacement on Friday, but it still hasn't arrived despite them using an express delivery service, so currently my bedroom is a complete mess and it is making me miserable and easily irritated which doesn't help matters.

 

dotmarsdotcom -

 

 

if you offered to help out your folks? you know.. do a few jobs around the place, drive them around a bit, do half and half. in short be fair?

 

they might all of sudden decide they don't mind you around?

 

might even give you a more comfortable living situation?

 

us parents aren't complete idiots. we just want to be treated fairly?

 

I already do a lot of things to help my parents out. I cook, clean, do the laundry, pay rent etc, I also helped them completely re-decorate the entire house over the summer and helped my dad with odd jobs around the house and do so whenever they need doing.

 

The main issues are more to do with feeling misunderstood when it comes to AS, which often causes arguments on both sides. I dislike the tension and fighting and want a bit more control over my life and the place I live.

 

I know moving isn't an easy process for someone with AS, but feel I need to do so, in order to stop me falling into a deeper depression.

 

-Akunin

Edited by Akunin

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you sound like a good son to your parents akukin & and pretty decent chap all round.

 

i'm sorry that you guys can't see eye to eye on certain AS related issues.

 

I wish I was better at the practical issues of advising you re: getting your own pad.

 

but I wish you all the best, and hope it works out for you.

 

also, since you sound like such a decent chap when it comes to treating your parents properly,

 

you might find once you have moved out, they miss you terribly, and will be a bit more tolerant?

 

it might be the start to a new stage in your relationship with them?

 

all the best, and keep the thread informed of how things develop.

 

regards.

Edited by dotmarsdotcom

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I find that when I try to explain how I am feeling and how things affect me, she often becomes quite defensive and turns it around to the way she feels which doesn't help me. I understand that some things I say may hurt, but it isn't intended that way I am just trying to be honest so she can understand me better.

This is exactly the way it was with my own mum. Looking back I suspect that she had AS herself, and that her own mother did too. They too had similar arguments. I have three cousins from her side in same family of 13 (yes!) who probably have it (the twins almost certainly do). Another cousin from the same side took his own life when in his 20s - I'm pretty sure he had it too. He was always saying he was misunderstood, had no friends, and was the odd one out of five.

 

I understand that some things I say may hurt, but it isn't intended that way I am just trying to be honest so she can understand me better.

Same here totally! I only wish my parents had lived to know why I was like this. Fate can be so cruel. At least your parents know about your AS.

currently my bedroom is a complete mess and it is making me miserable and easily irritated which doesn't help matters.


As you don't have your own place, your bedroom is your only refuge and it must be awful when it's in mess like that. You can't do much about the mess in other parts of the house. Many of us prefer to live alone. I left my parents at 19 (looking back that was far too young) and lived very unhappily and homesick in a flat in London which I hated just as much as the social side of work, but somehow endured it for a year. I escaped back home, giving up my well-paid job - this was one of my 'running-away' meltdowns. I've never had a paid job since. I was given a small house by my parents, but even then I spent half my time living at home with them. This routine carried on ever since, and that's why I still share my time between two homes even after both parents are no longer here - something I can't fully accept. It makes life very complicated! I'm very content living 'alone' with my cats - so I don't feel alone at all, but I miss all the chats and laughs I had with my mum so much (but not the arguments)

 

The main issues are more to do with feeling misunderstood when it comes to AS, which often causes arguments on both sides. I dislike the tension and fighting and want a bit more control over my life and the place I live.

I could only have stayed at my parents' for two-week periods, otherwise the tension got too much - on both sides. And yes, it was all because I was being understood. It seems that even if parents know about the AS, being misunderstood still happens, which is a shame.

 

I know moving isn't an easy process for someone with AS, but feel I need to do so, in order to stop me falling into a deeper depression.

Moving is very stressful for me, and I'm sure it will be for you too, but your reason is exactly why I had to 'escape' from my parents. I strongly identify with every single thing you say. I only wish I could help you more.

Edited by Mihaela

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pies

I find that when I try to explain how I am feeling and how things affect me, she often becomes quite defensive and turns it around to the way she feels which doesn't help me. I understand that some things I say may hurt, but it isn't intended that way I am just trying to be honest so she can understand me better.

 

This is exactly the same for me. I've stopped speaking to my mother because she always does this and most recently told her me I'm self-obsessed just because I go to her for advice. That's why I come on this forum now - no NT ever wants to hear about an aspie's problems.

 

Anyway, how many hours a week are you currently working? I found it quite difficult to make ends meet when I was working 40+ hours a week and living with my brother who was working around 20 hours a week. I was on NMW but still, living alone or even with one other person is a lot more expensive than people think. On top of rent there is food, water, council tax, gas, electricity and internet to pay for. If you're savvy then you can make it work and still have leftover cash at the end of the month but I'm afraid to say I really can't see this working out for someone who only works part-time. Sorry

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Your local CAB should be able to give you some advice http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/wales/housing_w/housing_finding_a_place_to_live_e/finding_accommodation.htm

 

They should also be able to look at what your income/outgoings would be if you moved out.

 

This is good too:

http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/private_renting?gclid=CI6YmqCToMICFTDJtAodmW4ADg

 

Whatever you do, do not leave your parents house without getting advice first.

 

You might qualify for a tenancy support worker if you did move out.

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Off-topic: Why does it say 'pies' at the start of my most recent post? I'm pretty sure I didn't put it there myself. Has someone been editing my posts or something? I swear something weird is going on with my account...

 

On-topic: Do you have any updates for us Akunin? I'm interested to hear how things are going for you with this

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No editing done here Laddo - it automatically says 'edited' at the bottom of a post if it is. Bit of a strange one there!

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