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Eustace

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Greetings,

 

As I stated in my first post, my name is not Eustace, but I'm fond of anonymity. I have decided to join a website such as this for my own gain, that is, to share with others in the hope of understanding things to a greater extent. I understand a little background information about me is required to progress, or, I suppose, it's decorum for a site such as this. Therefore, this topic shall hopefully give those who wish to know about my situation, that which they desire.

 

I am twenty two years old, and have lived up until May this year what could be considered a normal lifestyle. Bypassing what's probably in, or near to, thousands of experiences, since middle school I have not felt - for use of a better word - right; as if pacing a muddy path through dense woodland, screened by a thick fog severely restricting view, and without a means to acknowledge location and sense of direction. The latter is but a fragment of the nebulousness of my issue, and simply defines a world I cannot comprehend in its entirety, but for twenty two years as I say, I managed to survive and function ... semi-normally. Last March I went away on some voluntary work and came back in June, yet while away I experienced five panic attacks, which at the time, I justified with the reasoning 'I'm far from home and have a lot of work to do' - an entirely logical and rational response indeed. The problems that prompted me to change things began upon my arrival home. Panic attacks started happening frequently when going about my daily business, leading me to question my mentality as separate from my situation. I started drinking with my friend again, and on one night, in a taxi home with my friend, I encountered another (I had had many before this point) what I suppose could be closest described as an existential crisis. I ended up self-harming that night for the first time, but had once before at the age of sixteen attempted suicide. Both of these occasions I regret, I fail to see how I could not regret them, but would not go so far as to say I would not go back and stop myself doing them - they revealed to me, there is no reason to live in and of itself; justification for something such lies in the individual ideal. I digress, but these things all accumulated to the acknowledgement that I am not ... well, thus must do something about it. I went to the doctors.

 

I went purely for the sake of my panic attacks, and was questioned as to various things, such as self-harm and suicide attempts, and the result of the appointment was to begin a course of CBT sessions. Talking with the counsellor about my depression, anxiety, consciously acknowledged delusions on occasion, it became clear I am indeed not very well, but so to did something else arise - an interest towards finding out precisely what is wrong. I have always been inclined towards needing to know rather than wanting to, and during research of hundreds upon hundreds of possibilities, there was but one that I entirely fitted into each and every category of criteria, Aspergers Syndrome. Bringing it up with the counsellor in the next session, she told me she had an inclination that was a possibility, but has no real expertise in that field, but recommended I go back to the doctor. I did so, and worked through the interrogation of various questionnaires, to the result that I scored almost top marks, that is, an indication that I was highly likely to have the condition. I have been through seventeen, hour long CBT sessions now, been through two out of three NHS sessions, one being the induction to see if I was indeed applicable, the second being a comprehensive background information session, and the final I believe to be the ultimatum as it were. The latter session is on the ninth of December, and I'm simultaneously eager and apprehensive to attend; I'm to learn what is or isn't the case and the next steps. All information gifted me to thus far has revealed an almost definite indication that I'm highly Aspergic(? Is there an adjective?), thus, for more information for you gentlemen and gentlewomen, I shall detail the things that lead me to believe this is indeed the case, listed under two headings - these being external indications and internal indications.

 

External indications symbolize the aspects of my condition that affect me, yet are outside of my control. Firstly, you; people that exist as beings as separate from my own existence. Now, for twenty two years, I have been able to manage people, but no longer can I do so. In high school (En Anglais, "secondary school" but my school was named "BLANK BLANK High School"), I struggled tremendously with socializing; never did I venture out with friends after school, I was always to tired and needed to regenerate. I believe this to be the cause for my symptoms reminiscent of Anemia; I would go to school, come home, sleep, wake up, go to school, that was the cycle. Never could/can I deal with people for more than a few hours at a time; it wears me down like a strong wind against an exposed cliff edge. I became highly addicted to gaming, which holds true considering a statement I heard once, "games are for those who cannot achieve in real life, thus make up for it in fantasy, or fiction". I still struggle with that addiction, but am well on my way to defeating it. I now aspire to be an author, and have been told by various friends, family, general people and professionals that I'm a genius in that respect, yet still, I require a mindset to write, and that mindset is elusive and fey in nature; something I still have yet to fully comprehend - it stands somewhere between consciousness and sub-consciousness; I'm not Eustace when I write. Many times I read over my works with awe, 'Where was I when writing this?' a question I ponder regularly. Again, I fall upon tangent. Indeed, I struggle with people, with social decorum, with conceited meanings within speech, body language and facial expression, but have studied at length about sarcasm. The latter is something I wish to share with this site in the hopes that my ability to write will enlighten a few towards understand what I do of sarcasm. Eye-contact; the bane of social encounters. What a horrendous sensation arises from a moment of optical recognition, it's as if some aggressive half-being strums the optical chord between eye and brain as if it's an instrument. Thoughts that normally exist within the confines of my skull, organized and filed with precision, scatter in all direction and with such velocity - this from but a moment of pupils meeting. I cannot begin to solve this issue of mine, I have no rational way in order to fix this, if anyone has any advice, I plead for you knowledge.

 

Yes, internal indications. These symbolize things relating to the Aspergers criteria that exist within myself, and can be controlled - some to greater degrees than others. For instance, perception play a role. Since I was a child, my senses have been very sensitive indeed; labels were ripped out of all clothing, sounds are mostly coarse and dissonant, and smells are generally putrid, overpowering and offensive, however, in listing these things I lack enlightening the beneficial aspects of my hypersensitivity. As a child I owned a white rabbit toy made of cotton and with a silk string (in fact, I owned many throughout my youth, it's just mother never told me until later how many I would lose and she would have to restock), and oh how I loved the feel of that silk string upon what I believe is called the columella part of my nose, and how tremendously this would calm me down. That is the earliest memory of my sensory delight, but other such things are, for instance, during school I used to rest one ear against the table top and listen to the scratching of pens and pencils - this most definitely the cause for my lack of work and falling asleep in lessons, and my most recent delight is lifting the fur at the back of my cats' necks and smelling there. I feel the balance between positive and negative sensitivities is generally equal, this can shift rapidly and with force however - it takes but a brush of an arm by another, a motorbike to race past, or any perfume/aftershave to cause me severe distress, resulting in the need to either shutdown for a while, restart myself, or blast out for a while.

 

I have a prodigious amount of things more to say, but I fear for an introductory post, this may turn more away than towards. If this is the case, then, well, I don't really know what to do, but I'm here, so, I suppose I will just talk to other people. Hopefully.

 

Thank you.

 

Eustace.

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Hello Eustace! Welcome to the forum. All very interesting. I wonder why the panic attacks only began relatively recently. What kind of things are needed to trigger them? I'm intrigued about your existential crisis too. Can you tell us more? I've gone through a few of these myself - verging on the mystical.

From you say, I certainly does look as if you have AS.

Have you returned from your birdwatching in Norfolk? Did you see anything unusual? I too have an interest in birds - which began at an early age.

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Greetings Mihaela, thank you for replying.

 

It's indeed interesting why the panic attacks began relatively recently, but having thought about them somewhat, I think I understand as to why this is. I believe there may be a correlation between my bouts of depression and the attacks; not in nature, but in the attacks' nascent. You see, my depression comes in bouts (like I said before), and these come about after certain events in my life that cause me undue amounts of stress or mental fatigue, i.e. extended social occasions, frequent outings, or working myself too hard. So too do I believe the attacks are caused similarly, that is, an instantaneous physical response to some unwelcome environment or situation. Generally, triggers for the attacks are large crowds of people - this the main cause, - unforeseen changes outside of my control; something such as people coming to the house without warning or a change to my timetable, or things I define as "abstract"; that is, invasive thoughts that force into my head*, sensations that arise which I still have yet to understand, or other things that seem vague yet hold power over me. * - my most recent example of a forceful thought was when I was in the car driving to London, and this thought came into my head: 'If mother was to have a heart attack whilst driving, I would have to grip the wheel, put the hazard lights on, take her foot off the accelerator, open my window, wave to cars as to warn them, and steer the car to the hard-shoulder'. This thought, and thoughts such as these, cause instant panic attacks, but luckily, I'm somewhat informed as to how to calm myself if one arises.

 

Well, I think my first existential crisis happened when I was sixteen, and then I attempted suicide - which ended up with me vomiting every twenty minutes for three days ... bad times indeed. I don't particularly wish to visit that yet but I do intend to. My second came when I arrived home from voluntary work abroad, and although I place a lot of blame upon alcohol, I do think it was just a catalyst. I experienced a horrendous depression, became entirely numb to external, internal, and emotional stimuli, and found myself transfixed upon all darker aspects of reality. I sent a message to an old companion of mine and still have the message, and could upload it here if asked. Somehow, I ended up self-harming for the first time, but even now, this seems so ... I don't know the correct word, perhaps absurd? It did not seem like me who chose that as a response, it seems to be some force outside of my own - an automatic response decided by a most basic, carnal or primal intelligence. If you wish to know more, I'm sure I could reveal more.

 

In three days, I will find out if that is indeed the case.

 

Yes, I'm back from Norfolk. "Unusual" I understand varies according to the individual in question; a native Briton new to bird-watching may find a wren unusual, whereas to an avid watcher, a bluethroat may be so, then again, to a foreign avid watcher, a Robin may be a visual delicacy. Therefore, I will list which birds I am grateful for having seen. The birds I'm happy to have seen are: Reed Buntings, Little Egrets, Great White Egrets, a Water Rail, Marsh Harriers (5 at one time! What a treat!), thousands of Pink-Footed Geese!, Barn owls, a Little Owl, Goldeneyes, Grey Partridges, Greenfinches, Linnets, Pintails, Shovellers, Snow Buntings, Mediterranean Gulls, Golden Plovers, Grey Plovers, Greylag Geese, Whooper Swans, Kestrels, Pochards (hundreds of them), Black-Tailed Godwits, and Greenshank. (I apologize for any mispronounced or ill-written pluralizations there - I'm still lacking in that respect of birds) At the last place we went however, aparrently we missed a sighting of a black-winged stilt, and I would have loved to see that, mainly because they look to me like something from a Lewis Carroll Novel, but alas, another time. Would loved to have seen at least one of each of these: Redwing, Waxwing, and Fieldfares, but another time perhaps. Overall, 'twas a great voyage, but five days away from home and with people I don't know has lead to me craving a hermitization... Do you have a favourite bird? Out of all I've seen, I'd have to split it into two; aesthetically 'twould have to be Goldfinches, and melodically 'twould have to be Song Thrush. You can do the same split if you like. The bird I would like most to see is a Bluethroat, which would mean I shall have to venture back to Norfolk come summer, this because they only migrate thus far into the UK to breed, and this is only during the summer months. They're beautiful, and from my knowledge, there isn't anything quite like them.

 

P.S. I see you have posted quite a lot on this website, therefore I would like to ask a question. Are longer entries, like my first post on this page, too long for most people? Are shorter posts easier for the majority to read?

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Hello and welcome

 

I've attempted suicide and self harmed in the past the last self harm episode was last January. I know how panic attacks feel as I get them with my cptsd related flashbacks.

As for the length of post if you could write (LONG) in the subject (not sure if brackets can be used in topic subjects) that would help people decide if they wish to read longer

posts.

 

Coincidentally ive got an assessment for a diagnosis on Tuesday as well, a mental health diagnosis.

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Greetings trekster,

 

Thank you for replying.

 

I'm unsure about conversing in topics such as self-harm and suicide, is there a rule that you don't ask for information about it from people who have tried? I think I recall this being said somewhere along the line, all I know is that if I was asked about it, I would be okay to talk about it. I only say this because I would ask you and other people about certain things, but I'm not sure if it's classed as a "sensitive subject".

 

Thank you for the information about long topics, and will be sure to note this in the future.

 

I hope you don't get any panic attacks on Tuesday, and hope the session is helpful for you.

 

Eustace.

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Previous mods have censored quite heavily when it comes to self harm and suicide as they are trigger topics. However I think it's more reasonable to put ***TRIGGER WARNING*** and then the topic title. That way people who are sensitive can choose to read the thread or not.

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Greetings matzoball,

 

Thank you for clearing that up for me, and I'm thankful for the information. If ever subject matter such as that we discuss arises in any of my topics, I shall be sure to do as you say.

 

Thank you,

 

Eustace.

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Hi Eustace

I too have experienced multiple panic attacks and anxiety and have self-harmed and attempted suicide in the past. It seems like it is quite common for people with Asperger's to 'hit the wall' when they reach around 20 years old or so - all the stress of our often very difficult childhoods reaches an explosive point, resulting in panic attacks and horrific anxiety. I personally believe that a lot of people with AS will go on to develop personality disorders as a result of the negativity frequently directed at them for their differences. I'm all but certain I have one myself - I'm getting delusional, paranoid and keep having really bizarre thoughts that make absolutely no sense. It's good that you're getting help sooner rather than later though - anxiety etc does have nasty habit of sneaking up on oneself

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Greetings Laddo,

 

It's a pleasure to meet you. I cannot say I know it to be a common occurrence, but it definitely seems probable - I only say I cannot know because I don't really have any friends and secondly because I don't know one other person with Aspergers. Relying on my own experiences however, my two major meltdowns as it were happened at the ages of sixteen and twenty one, and I'm twenty two now, but feel so close to the edge of the cliff at all times. I have not personally had any shocking negativity thrown my way throughout my life; a bit of secondary school bullying (nothing major though, just boys asserting their dominance) and various comments made about my oddness and peculiarities. Yet, like you it seems, I have delusions and paranoias on occasion, but I'm fully aware of their absurd and irrational nature. Some examples of these are: when walking down a street, I believe every person in every car is looking at me, and that people are all gazing at me from all windows in houses, I also uninstall and block my laptop microphone and webcam because of delusions of privacy and spying, and sometimes I even think my parents have cameras dotted around the house that are looking at me and watching me. These latter delusion happens on occasion, but like all other of these, I know in full consciousness that these things are wholly ridiculous, but I cannot say they don't affect me - especially the car and windows one.

 

Bypassing my horrendous sensory struggles, the second most thing I struggle with is my - I guess - obsessive and invasive thoughts. For instance, I'm a vegetarian (vegan bar milk and cheese) and must make absolute certain that when I'm cooking, nothing has touched meat. If mother offers me some vegetables, potatoes or something, I always say 'yes', but then see them in the pan where meat has been, and am instantly abhorred. But the same goes for many things: hand washing, room tidiness, and perfection are but a few to list. I wonder if you and any others struggle with these things?

 

Like I say, a pleasure typing with you.

 

Eustace.

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My delusions are similar - I nearly always think people are staring at me or laughing about me when I go out in public, even though some dingy corner of my brain knows this is not true.

 

Regarding the obsessive thoughts etc., have you been tested for/diagnosed with OCD? The combination of obsessive and intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviour make me think you may have it. It's quite common for Aspies to have OCD apparently. I think I may have it myself, although without the compulsions. I don't really have much in the way of compulsive behaviour but I do have so many intrusive thoughts that I can't shake off and I'm also a massive perfectionist - I tend to reject all work I do after a while as it never seems good enough.

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Greetings,

 

Yes, it's very interesting, that a connection is made between consciousness and delusion, yet still there remains a power.

 

I have not been tested for OCD, do you think it would be worthwhile to do so? Nevertheless, I shall definitely bring it up in my appointment on Tuesday. I would not say it's something that severely affects me, it's more a state of mind that sometimes gets in the way of things. So too am I a perfectionist, and regarding my writing, well, yes, that gets supremely frustrating indeed; especially when combined with my intelligence, what I wish to write sometimes is too paradoxical to even begin transcribing on to paper. For instance, an idea - just an idea at that - I had recently for a works, was a world wherein there is no language; no accurate nor concise means of expression ... now, to write that, 'twould mean contradicting the whole thing ... I understand 'twould be possible being written by a narrator, or detached third-person, but these means of portray I severely dislike. My own method of writing, well, personally I class it as my own genre, but yes, it must be done entirely in first-person present tense, now, to create that idea, in the first person, through inner monologue, when there is no language in the fictional world ... impossible.

 

Sorry about that.

 

Eustace.

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I have not been tested for OCD, do you think it would be worthwhile to do so?

 

It depends how your OC traits affect the normal day-to-day life - both that of yourself and of those around you . Only if they interfere with it unduly do OC traits become a disorder, and you'd need therapy which will identify the triggers and attempt to reduce them. If not, then leave well alone. I've had periods of OCD (related to stress levels) that have subsided into less severe OC traits once the stress has gone - and I can easily live with this.

 

For instance, I'm a vegetarian (vegan bar milk and cheese) and must make absolute certain that when I'm cooking, nothing has touched meat. If mother offers me some vegetables, potatoes or something, I always say 'yes', but then see them in the pan where meat has been, and am instantly abhorred.

 

I'm vegetarian too, and I'd feel exactly the same! I wouldn't call this OCD myself. It's a natural response. I don't want to pollute my body with dead animals or the juices from them. (My mother, brother and father all eventually became vegetarian after I did. They could see the unarguable logic in it). I used to be strictly vegan for many years, but now I do accept vegetarian food when away from home. I feel slightly guilty about this.

 

Obsessive hand washing, tidiness and perfection, however, can be really debilitating, for they go beyond logic and common sense. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to writing and doing research, so much so that I publish far less than I should. Maybe it's because I feel I want to do as good a job as possible, then at least no-one's able to get away with criticising my work. I hate to see sloppy, poorly-researched work myself, and there's so much of it about.

 

You talk of paradoxes and give an example. I too am fascinated by paradoxes of all kinds. Not only language, but even truth, numbers, space, time, matter, consciousness and life itself are all heavily imbued with paradoxes. Nothing is quite what it seems.

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Hello Mihaela,

 

Well, in terms of severity, that is, a factor that overrides other aspects within my life, if I can class certain things of mine as obsessive, I would say that the compulsions come and go, but when they are apparent they come with enough force to stop me doing that which I intended to that day. Would you say obsessions are somewhat comparable to addiction in the traditional sense? What I intend to suggest is that, I find the obsessive thoughts I have very similar to the cigarette cravings I have, which build up more and more until I simply must give in.

 

I completely understand the point you make about creating a works that is without imperfection, but I don't really worry about criticism, for the latter is just opinion, and due to the profound variations of Homo-Sapiens, there shall always be disagreement; what I wish to achieve each time I create a works, is perfection regarding my own perception. Oh yes, isn't it just dreadful to read any published work that is just so ... bleak, riddled with mistakes, or wholly fallible!

 

It seems we share a liking for paradox. I have recently begun studying "chaos", and see myself falling dramatically into it ... fractal patterns and all.

 

Thank you,

 

Eustace.

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You are probably right about the source of your panic attacks. I too find large crowds to be the main trigger, as well as sudden unforeseen changes beyond my control. I never answer the door unless I'm expecting a visit, and I hesitantly answer the phone. (I so rarely use it that it might save me money if I cancelled the landlines but I've really no idea how to go about it, or whether it's wise).

...or things I define as "abstract"; that is, invasive thoughts that force into my head*, sensations that arise which I still have yet to understand, or other things that seem vague yet hold power over me.

I know what you mean. If I was to think deeply about a panic attack, I would suffer one. If I think about what could happen to me lying alone at night, I'd have one. Also, if was to think about all the loss in my life, the suffering of others, etc. I see a breakdown is simply a prolonged panic attack, and I dread this happening, so I don't allow myself to think too much over unpleasant things.

I've had existential crises that sometimes merge into mystical experiences. When they don't (very rare) they are unsettling and debilitating and have resulted in deep depression and suicidal thoughts. Otherwise (equally rare) they are enlightening and inspiring. They all relate to the transience of our lives, the passing of time, our ultimate isolation from or union with all around us, the meaning/purpose of our lives (if any), the nature of reality, etc. They are the most profound experiences of my life.

 

I sent a message to an old companion of mine and still have the message, and could upload it here if asked.

 

I'd like to see this. Unlike you, I've never self-harmed - I'd be too afraid too.

 

It did not seem like me who chose that as a response, it seems to be some force outside of my own - an automatic response decided by a most basic, carnal or primal intelligence. If you wish to know more, I'm sure I could reveal more.

This sounds intriguing. I have an aspie friend, a single-parent father with a young daughter who has behind his public persona, the identity of a 10-year old girl (who even has a name), and who 'talks' to him. He had an appallingly abusive childhood - which I suspect crystallised his emotions at that age (as my bullying possibly crystallised mine at age 11 or 12). He also suffers from gender dysphoria which explains why he emotionally identifies with a female. I think AS predisposes us towards these unusual directions. Bot emotional 'immaturity' and GD are much more common with those on the spectrum than with NTs.

 

In three days, I will find out if that is indeed the case.

Did you?

Bluethroats (red or white-spotted) are as common as robins in parts of Russia. So are waxwings which appear in large flocks. I see reed buntings and little egrets here in West Lancs. The Danube delta is full of them. I no longer travel away to places, but as I split my time between Yorkshire (woods, moors, rivers, rocks) and West Lancs coast (mosslands, sea, dunes, forests) I see a fair bit of nature when walking around. Martin Mere is few miles away and there's a long string of nature reserves on my doorstep - almost! (Flowers are my speciality). There are water rail, kingfishers, sand martins, etc. by the River Wharfe where I live in Yorkshire. Dippers and ring ouzels by the streams. Harriers, merlins, grouse, etc. over the moors. Loads of Pink-footed and greylag geese fly overhead in W Lancs - a very autumnal sound. I always like to hear them. I've not seen a barn owl few a few years. Lovely birds! I saw a little owl during the day a while ago. Partridges, linnets, lapwings, etc are less common on the Lancashire mosses nowadays - thanks to intensive farming. :( I get a regular large brood of Goosander chicks every year on the canal. I see Godwits, avocets, little egrets, etc. at Marshside reserve. I've twice heard (but not seen) Golden Orioles. Perhaps my rarest sighting was a pair of Ortolan Buntings in a disused quarry in Yorkshire. I'd love to see a Hoopoe over here. They're common in Eastern Europe and there's a popular Romanian children's song about them: Pupaza din tei (Hoopoe in the lime tree). Like you, I've yet to see a black-winged Stilt, but they do sometimes turn up over here. If I spent more time watching I'd be sure to see one. Redwings and fieldfares are common in Yorkshire at this time of year, always in flocks.

Do you have a favourite bird?

 

Difficult! Maybe a pratincole, bee-eater, hoopoe or golden oriole for appearance. For song, yes, a song thrush, but also a skylark and a golden oriole - again! I love to see goldfinches and hear their distinctive little calls. I'd like to see a wryneck (I've always liked the Latin name - Jynx torquila!) most of all.

Edited by Mihaela

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Hello Mihaela,

 

Yes, I don't own a mobile phone, nor have any sort of social media outlets. My mother is insistent on buying me a cheap mobile for Christmas simply so she knows she can contact me if need be; even this is unsettling for me even though I see the logic. I don't like answering doors or the phone either.

 

I would agree with your sentiment about breakdowns, that is, they are a prolonged state of both depression and despair.

 

My writing closely follows these main conceptual elements: Subjective journeys, Abstraction of Experience, Anxiety depression and despair, and surrealism. I have pages above my laptop on the wall that display all elements of my writing, but as far as the concepts go, these are focal. I find a fascination in perception and experience - especially so when these things are dark and dismal.

 

Ah yes, the letter. (Apologies for the length, can you believe this was written intoxicated?) Here it is:

 

"This message can be construed as it will but it needs to be. Everything is a fact of matter, in simple terms; protons, neurons, and electrons, but I perceive it all by means of unorthodox equation. I do not understand the simplicity of nature any more, for there is more to all I acknowledge than what there was at first thought. This illusion of “reality” which is forced upon us all is horrid and I cannot deal with this false realism any more. Sat here in my room everything I portray to you is code; a simple means of communication, yet even this invokes within me a certain level of introspective torment, for the spectrum of communication allows only the most basic, the most primitive method of sharing one’s feelings and thoughts – even in its most advanced form. What I attempt to portray here, and what you shall understand will be two entirely different things, and this is outside of anybodies control. It’s the dilemma of the mind, and no matter how many words man can conceive to “accurately” express himself, the mind will always stay one step ahead, keeping man frustrated and anxious by casting its shroud of the unknown; the un-interpretable. Everything I am writing now is false; an understanding of what is true and real to me and me alone. I can distinguish that you yourself will differentiate its meaning, but through no fault of your own - but what is; need be. What I understand of the entirety of everything is wrong, not physically or mentally, but in a way that gives me the sense that all is unjust; a cause for upset and resentment. This could purely be all psychological and caused from chemical imbalance in my physical brain, it could not, but that element will not affect the outcome; the problem in need of solution - I'm struggling to find answers to everything I crave, and what is it I crave? To simply live, and to live simply."

 

Oh Bluethroats! I also know so much about them, and so wish to see one! Or many! I really need to go to Russia, I even know a little Russian! The thousands of Pink-Footed Geese I saw was fantastic, and the sound glorious indeed. I find it funny that you heard but didn't see the Golden Oreoles, purely because their colouring is highly conspicuous, but from my understanding, they are in the thrush family, thus can be quite shy?

 

Bee-eaters are lovely looking birds indeed, and so too are hoopoes. I'd love to see both.

 

Thanks for the reply,

 

Eustace.

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I have three mobile phones (one was my mother's, another was my father's - My brother's is probably at the bottom of the sea) but none have been used for outgoing calls for the last two years. I try to remember to carry one with me when travelling for I could still use it for 112 calls. Nearly everyone I know uses mobiles almost incessantly, texting, checking facebook, taking photos, playing games, etc. I feel this has become a true addiction for many. The only other person I know who doesn't use one is my aspie 'friend'.

My mother is insistent on buying me a cheap mobile for Christmas simply so she knows she can contact me if need be; even this is unsettling for me even though I see the logic. I don't like answering doors or the phone either.

This was why my mother also bought me one - to keep in touch with her, and that's why I no longer use them. I often ignore the phone ringing and I'm very wary when answering it. Sometimes I don't even answer it in English - I do the same when accosted by people on the street collecting money or doing surveys! I never answer the door unless I'm expecting someone at a particular time.

 

My writing closely follows these main conceptual elements: Subjective journeys, Abstraction of Experience, Anxiety depression and despair, and surrealism.

 

Interesting! My writing is vary varied, but is often haunted by loss and ardent longing for the unattainable or impossible - unrequited/impossible/courtly love, golden ages, Arcadian idylls, etc. Surrealism interests me too, as well as its literary and pictorial history and related trends such as dadaism, pataphisique, oulipo, not to mention paradoxes, puns, multiple layers of meaning, la langue des oiseaux, etc.

 

I find a fascination in perception and experience - especially so when these things are dark and dismal.

Me too, I have what used to be known as a melancholic humour, a typical philosopher's temperament. Some may see it as ironic and contradictory, for I love life with a 'religious' intensity - but they'd be wrong, for the two aspects are ultimately inseparable. Where there is light there must be darkness. I dwell on such dark/grey themes as pathos, vanitas, liminality, ubi sunt, sic transit gloria mundi, Et in Arcadia ego... etc. This partly reflects my darker experiences in life.

 

The Letter will require another post from me (soon). I was very impressed with it.

 

Now back to earth... or maybe I should say '...to air'. It's clear that you have a Barakusha obsession. I can just picture you tirelessly tramping the taiga, reaching the shores of Jack London Lake (yes, Озеро Джека Лондона, is in Russia), and madly jumping about and yelling out with unrestrained glee to the endless, echoing emptiness: "Смотреть! Там это варакушка!" so loudly that the flock of barakushas fly away in terror. Meanwhile, the relentless, restless wind spitefully blows your camera tripod down into the icy waters! ("The operation of Murphy's law is inversely proportional to the fervency of the desire to suppress said operation" - Mihaela's Quotable Quotes [privately unpublished, circa 1961½]).

 

I find it funny that you heard but didn't see the Golden Oreoles, purely because their colouring is highly conspicuous, but from my understanding, they are in the thrush family, thus can be quite shy?

Each time I couldnt get close enough. At one place they were high up in trees in full leaf, I had no binoculars with me, and I had an appointment to keep - so I couldn't linger too long. They were fluting away at Cabin Hill reserve, Formby - http://www.formbycivicsociety.org.uk/2008%2005%20wildlifenotes.html The second time they were in an area of inaccessible and very leafy private gardens. I wish wallcreepers would visit these isles more often. http://www.birdguides.com/iris/pictures.asp?v=1&f=436422

Edited by Mihaela

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Hello Mihaela,

 

" Nearly everyone I know uses mobiles almost incessantly," Indeed they seem to, isn't it simply dreadful. If I am to gaze out of my window and down to the street, I think ninety percent of the people with be on their phones. Actually, I'm going to experiment. Methodology is as follows: five minutes of observation, counting only people whom are in the laundrette and walking. Results: 13 people with phones out, 4 without. Interestingly, there was a group of three young women, all pushing prams, two of them pushing with their phones out. To me, the latter is horrendous.

 

"Sometimes I don't even answer it in English" What a brilliant idea! I believe I did once think of doing that a long time ago, but never actually did so. From now on, I think I might do that. Brilliant!

 

Your writing also sounds interesting, after I finish all the books I'm working through at the moment, I'd love to buy or read some of your works.

 

"I dwell on such dark/grey themes as..." I knew I was right in understanding you as highly knowledgeable. Although I have a fascination towards Philosophy and other motivations, I have not yet found a means by which I can achieve my desired method of study. What I intend to suggest is that I struggle to remain transfixed on on topic for longer than a day or two. I always intensely study something that interests me, but always slip out of it soon after, yet still wish to continue. It's peculiar I know, but I think the new year and my reformation is going to be a complete re-evaluation of my life.

 

Sure, respond when you can.

 

"Now back to earth..." that whole paragraph is captivating indeed, written by one I see has a deep connection with language. And the ending quote, fantastic.

 

Wallcreepers, yes, I would love to see one too. Their form is so amazing, especially their wings when spread. I believed that they never (or hardly ever) visit the UK.

 

Sorry for the short reply, I'm a bit struck for time this morning (or afternoon), I have a lot of tasks to attend to.

 

Eustace.

Edited by Eustace

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Greetings trekster,

 

Thank you for replying.

 

I'm unsure about conversing in topics such as self-harm and suicide, is there a rule that you don't ask for information about it from people who have tried? I think I recall this being said somewhere along the line, all I know is that if I was asked about it, I would be okay to talk about it. I only say this because I would ask you and other people about certain things, but I'm not sure if it's classed as a "sensitive subject".

 

Thank you for the information about long topics, and will be sure to note this in the future.

 

I hope you don't get any panic attacks on Tuesday, and hope the session is helpful for you.

 

Eustace.

I had a great time at the pub group after my stressful psychology assessment.

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Hello trekster,

 

I'm sorry to hear it was stressful, but am glad you had fun at the pub afterwards. My appointment on Tuesday was also stressful, but alas, I'm diagnosed now, my difference finally has a name.

 

Eustace.

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I wouldn't say 'Alas!', Eustace. I find that knowing the truth - about anything - is a great relief. We can never escape from the truth, and so we have no choice but to accept it. It's so satisfying when all the pieces of the jigsaw are at last put together. I am curious about myself just as much as I am about the world around me. An AS diagnosis explains why we are who we are; why we are 'different'. We should consider ourselves fortunate, for we could believe we may have been wrongly diagnosed (and this could be true), or correctly diagnosed with a PD or psychosis, for example. Imagine what that must feel like! We have many talents and need to celebrate and cultivate them to the full.

" Nearly everyone I know uses mobiles almost incessantly," When I was travelling on the train yesterday, all eight people in the carriage were using mobiles simultaneously, while I was stroking the cat on my knee - and we were both watching the passing countryside. I doubt any of them noticed the snow-covered hills.

 

Your writing also sounds interesting, after I finish all the books I'm working through at the moment, I'd love to buy or read some of your works.

 

I don't write to make money; I just write for writing's sake - either on a specialised subject, or essays on just about anything. (In that sense I'm an essayist - a dying breed, as too are true polymaths - a word that's increasingly misused to refer to dabblers).

 

Although I have a fascination towards Philosophy and other motivations, I have not yet found a means by which I can achieve my desired method of study.

A good start is to identify, question and refine your own philosophy of life, ethics, meanings, etc. Question everything, and all the rest just follows.

What I intend to suggest is that I struggle to remain transfixed on on topic for longer than a day or two.

 

So do I - often. My interest may fitfully sleep for a while, but sooner or later, it inevitably returns as strong as ever, or even stronger. If it truly matters to you, it won't go away.

 

And the ending quote, fantastic.

Haha! Thanks. Like the eponymous Murphy, I enjoy laying down his law! :)

Wallcreepers, yes, I would love to see one too. Their form is so amazing, especially their wings when spread. I believed that they never (or hardly ever) visit the UK.

 

The first I knew of them was on Christmas Day 1964, when I saw an illustration of one in P A D Hollom's Handbook of British Birds. I often see treecreepers ...and netcreepers too. The latter (Trollius reticulata - no relation to globeflowers) are tediously frequent on the net and tend to be crepuscular, hiding in the readbeds only to aggressively pounce as soon as they spot their prey. Voice: repeated raucous tweeting. :groupwave:

Edited by Mihaela

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Hello Mihaela,

 

Can I enquire why "alas" is not to be used? I would personally debate about you theory on having no choice in accepting truth. Although I am one who cannot progress a topic or subject unless I know - at that time - what's being discussed is entirely infallible, people that I encounter wherein absolute truth is apparent sometimes decide to ignore the truth for reasons I can never understand. Using my father as an example, I consistently debate with him about how he can determine the weather. I'll come down to make some food and he will tell me it is going to rain all day tomorrow, so I ask how he knows, to which he replies 'they said it on the news', at which I will reply how do they know it is going to rain? ... 'they just do' is the reply. So I question him, and pose the directed question, 'How do you know it is going to rain tomorrow?' ... 'I just know it' is the reply. Isn't it funny how he is usually wrong? Although I understand the background information on this vague truth as it were is arrived at, my father is the prime example of; if you cannot explicate your reasoning behind a belief, then get angry and stick by what you believe is true without proof and aggressively defend it without the means to.

 

You take your cat on trains? I wish I was able to firstly go on trains, and secondly, how I would love to bring my cats! My Welsh one would probably die of fright and my half stray half domesticated one would probably get lost exploring. But yes, it is a shame that people no longer notice the majority of their existence, however I see that as a safety measure to ensure my own advancement.

 

Yes, the death of the polymath, it seems inevitable, but I do cling to the idea of a ... sect is the wrong word, perhaps literati, whom share knowledge with one another for the sake of knowledge itself. I wish to be an author one day, simply to produce books, for the love of what's in my head and language. My absolute ideal is to have the means to survive, to have the time to write, and to live a solitary life in a tiny flat or something with only the slightest of money to simply live and to live simply.

 

Yes, your recommendation upon where to find a pasture upon which foundations can be built is precisely where I am at the moment. I have been aimlessly wandering since my conception, but now I feel, connected; planted on the land I wander. I feel ready both intellectually and physically to advance to the next stage, that is, to begin constructing my knowledge. I know I hold and understand my philosophy otherwise I would not have written all the theoretical essays I have up to this point, I now just need to build my ... home as it were.

 

Indeed, my true interests will never leave me, I know that, I just need this reformation to secure my interest.

 

Where do you see Treecreepers!? I really would adore seeing one! Do you go abroad?

 

All the best,

 

Eustace.

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Greetings Verbeia,

 

If you would like to talk about birds, I am prepared to discuss - at length - any topic you detail.

 

Thank you,

 

Eustace.

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