Newbie here & to Aspergers

[Clareyfairy]

Hi all, it was recently mentioned by my sons teacher (he's 12) if he was on the spectrum after some problems at school, I haven't decided if or when to look any further into it, but to cut s long story short this has led me to realise that my husband almost certainly has Aspergers & he agrees. He has so many traits that he recognised in himself.

We have been together for 15yrs & has come as a massive shock even though there is an element of relief too as it explains so much of the difficulties there have been with our relationship. I feel totally alone & isolated, like no one (especially my husband) understands how I'm feeling, unfortunately this has all coincided at the same time as us being in the process of moving house. His behaviour has become really difficult, it's as if all of his traits have become heightened, he can't seem to listen to anything I say, he has always been good at eye contact but not now, he's forgetting his filter in front of friends etc & has embarrassed both them & me , forgetting every day things that are part of his daily routine, I could go on but there are far too many things that have been happening. I've been at my wits end but have no clue what he is thinking, is it possible that the stress with moving house can exaggerate his aspergers? I really don't know what to think or how to manage his strange behaviour at the moment! I'd really appreciate any help or advice.

[Confused Traveller]

I don't know if this helps, but I'm on the waiting list for a diagnosis, so don't yet know if I have it or not. I think I learned to adapt and get by fairly well for 50 years without having any idea what, if anything, was different about me. In the last 10 years my life has changed a lot, and got pretty stressful, and it's really highlighting my concerns about having a communication problem, that I think is at the root of the reasons why I've got into this situation, and can't get out of it. So I think that changing circumstances and stress can make a difference.

[Clareyfairy]

Thank you, that's helpful to know. I wondered if just his own realisation about possibly having aspergers is also creating further problems too. I'm finding it all really difficult to understand. If I'm honest it's taking all my willpower to not go running to the hills but I feel totally responsible for him & he's a bit of a liability left to his own devices. Maybe he will settle down again when the stress lessens.

[Confused Traveller]

I live on my own, apart from my dog, and suspect Aspergers may be the reason for that. But it's not really knowing what it is that's frustrating. I could get to the end of the 10 month waiting list and find out it's not Aspergers after all. Then I'd need to try to find another answer. At the moment I don't know which, if any, of my thoughts and actions are different to "normal" people, as I get very little useful feedback. With the situation I'm in at the moment I need to know, but haven't yet discovered a way to find out.

 

The part of my life when I think I got on best was the two and a half years after I sold my house and went travelling. Life was much simpler, as it was just me, my dog and my motorhome, and it was very rare to have pressure or deadlines. It fooled me into thinking I'd dealt with a lot of my stuff though, so when that life ended I got into a far more complicated situation than I've ever been in, and realised that nothing had changed.

[Clareyfairy]

It must be really frustrating for you to have to wait so long to get the answers you need. I'm very envious of your travelling, that sounds just wonderful I'd love to go off with my dog & do the same.

My husband lived alone in before we were together & it was a bit like steptoes yard! He never threw anything out, it was horrendous, filthy & chaotic. I always put it down to him being single & having a busy job but with hind sight it probably wasn't. I've had so much frustration thinking that one day he will learn what it takes to run & maintain a house, but after all these years am now realising it's probably part of his aspergers & not down to being childish or lazy as I'd thought. In some ways it's better knowing because I know what not to expect & I will be able to accept some help without feeling bad about it. As I understand it a kind of lack responsibility can be a trait of someone with aspergers which may have been why you felt so much happier when you were travelling.

[Confused Traveller]

I think my Aspergers, if that's what it is, is fairly mild. I recognise what you describe, but I'm also very aware that I struggle to keep my place organised and tidy. But then so do a lot of NT people! For years I felt like I was lazy, but also that there was something more to it. I think I'm aware of all the social norms, but struggle to comply with many of them. It's as though the part of me that handles much of this is missing, but as it's missing I don't know exactly what it is that is missing!

 

I've got a meet up with a couple of Aspies and a support worker in a couple of weeks. I'm curious to know if they spot things in me they recognise, and might understand things that I struggle to get across to other people. I hope they do, as it will suggest I'm on the right track!

[Clareyfairy]

Good luck with your meet up, I'm sure it will be helpful to you.

I like your description about feeling something is missing but not knowing what it is that is missing,that describes my husband perfectly, he also says that he has always known he was different but didn't know why. Don't get me wrong when it comes to all the responsibilities of looking after a house I'm certainly not the perfect domestic goddess by any means haha! He doesn't seem to care about things, if it breaks you just buy a new one & when he lived alone he used to buy a new dinner set each week, he'd use it then throw it away instead of washing up! Luckily with a bit of help he's got out of that one!