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TCMSLP

Hi - and Aspergers, Self Diagnosis

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Hi All,

 

Firstly, I'm new here so 'hi'. I've always had what I considered 'personality traits' and it's only as I'm getting older (now 38) I'm starting to really analyse why I'm the way I am. I never considered myself to be anywhere on the autistic spectrum (just a bit weird!) but having recently done a load more research I've started to link things that I hadn't previously associated.

 

Sorry this is so long but it's difficult to summarise in a few words :(

 

Some 'personality traits' off the top of my head:-

 

Social awkwardness, I don't like making eye contact (or stare too much - unsure what is appropriate), feel awkward in a one-to-one situation, prefer small groups, have learnt to 'fake' small talk but struggle to keep conversations going. I generally don't talk unless I have something useful to contribute, I can however be quite chatty online (hiding behind a keyboard!). I generally prefer to spend time alone working on my own crazy projects. I've previously put all this down to shyness / lack of confidence.

 

I've never really 'fit in', even amongst people who share my interests. I always feel like an outsider, to some extent even with family. The only person I don't feel this way with is probabably my partner (who oddly enough, also has strong female asperger traits).

 

I have a few intense weird technical interests (amateur radio, electronics, 8/16 bit computers) plus I'm a musician - these interests seem to rotate regularly every 3 months or so and have done since as long as I can remember. I achieve what I want to achieve, or hit a wall and get frustrated - rotate around to the next interest. I have a good memory for technical things (that interest me) but struggle to both remember or concentrate on things that don't interest me.

 

Career wise I've done very well but to do so, I've had to learn to get over my shyness. Originally I'd dread any sort of meeting where I'd have to say a few words; I'd not sleep the night before, I'd get stressed and sweat before and during the meeting - even if all I had to say was "nothing to report". However, looking at how I've learnt to get over this - I now very much 'put on a show', I can put myself in the right frame of mind but I do find it tiring. I work as an IT consultant.

 

To balance this, to other people I seem generally quiet but normal. I've been told one of the reasons I've been successful in my job is a) I'm good technically but more importantly B) I can also talk to people. I'm good at reading people and have huge amounts of empathy (to the point where it can almost be a problem). From my understanding, these are not typical Aspergers traits?

 

Other traits I'd not previously linked are light and noise sensitivity. In bright light I quickly get headaches/migraines. I did see an optician but they just said I was just light sensitive so to wear sunglesses, which I do. I have a real dislike of surprise loud noises, but always thought I was just a bit weird. I'm also constantly fiddling with my hands (pens, work pass, whatever I have at hand) - figured this was just some form of nervousness. I've recently read all these traits are common with Aspergers.

 

In school I was bullied. I now wonder if I was bullied because I was different, or if I'm different because I was bullied.

 

I'm trying to find more about myself and what makes me 'me'. I'm not really after an official diagnosis as I don't feel this is affecting my life negatively (apart from me being a bit 'weird' - but I don't think that will ever change!).

 

Just curious how much of the above is shared with others. I've done several online aspergers questionnaires and always seem to end up at the lower end of the aspergers range.

 

But, I could just be shy and a bit of an antisocial nerd; a product of a weird childhood, bullying in school and some particularly geeky interests? How many boxes do I need to tick in order to be placed on the autistic spectrum?

 

Also, if it's not life effecting my life negatively, is there any benefit to an official diagnosis?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this essay. Any comments appreciated :)

 

Steve

Edited by TCMSLP

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Hi, and welcome to the forum :)

 

I can relate to much of what you have said - I grew up with a keen interest in electronics and computers, and always been quiet, introverted, and somewhat eccentric. I was bullied/shunned at school for being quiet/shy/weird, and again at work - I've always felt like I had a target painted on me, without really understanding why or how to deal with it, so still struggle now. I don't fit in at work, and struggle with concentration as well, so work became really difficult and stressful and in the end I had to give up a good job. I haven't worked much since.

 

I was diagnosed last year, at 41, and this was a relief to me - although I am still waiting for the official report so haven't really been able to come to terms with the way I am and start moving on. It was impoertant to me to get a diagnosis as I have several difficulties that I felt needed recognition - I haven't been able to cope with them, or get over them.

 

If you feel you are coping well in life then a diagnosis may be tricky to get, and may not benefit from it - though things can change, and you may become aware of other difficulties, so you might need to consider it one day.

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Hello TCMSLP! (That's fiendishly hard to pronounce!)

We have a lot in common. What I always look for in lists of traits is sensitivity processing issues. I share your reaction to bright light and sudden noises - along with various other sensory issues. Your 'painfully' high empathy fascinates me, for I too have that, and can spontaneously cry with the slightest of triggers. (Sometimes I don't even know what the trigger is). This tends to be a female-type AS trait, but I know of males who have it too. Also, interestingly, two physically male Aspies with acute gender dysphoria. I also know woman who appear to lack emotional empathy entirely. It's there locked inside her, but she can't express it.

In my opinion, the extreme-male-brain theory of Baron-Cohen is flawed, and only applies to a specific type of person on the spectrum (classic male Asperger's). The Markrams' intense-world theory makes much more logical sense. Depending upon the individual, their sensitivities can lie at either extreme of the scale. e.g. one person may hate being hugged, another may hug obsessively; one may enjoy loud noise while another can't stand it. I see empathy in the same way: some appear to lack emotional empathy altogether, while others at the opposite end of the scale may have so much empathy that it reaches mirror-touch synaesthesia. Empathy behaves exactly as sensory issue would, because it is one - an issue of emotional sensitivity - rather than physical.

So I wouldn't doubt that you're on the autistic spectrum on the grounds that you have extreme empathy. Its very extremeness, along with your other traits, is enough to convince me.

By the way, amateur radio has long been one of my many special interests. (I'm obsessed with valve technology, and have built many transmitters, receivers, etc, using valves. I've even memorised 100s of valve equivalents and can reel them off without pausing, just as I can with umpteen other long lists!). Like you, my interests alternate, but they do so pretty randomly.

Edited by Mihaela

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Thanks Tim, Mihaela. The more I'm researching the more I'm certain I'm on the 'aspie-lite' end of the spectrum.

 

It's great to hear that others have similar conditions and whilst I don't think I'll seek any formal diagnosis, it certainly links things together in my life and explains why I've always struggled with certain activities/behaviours.

 

Mihaela - I find it interesting you mention gender dysphoria. I'm guessing you mean 'non gender-typical aspie' but the larger gender issue has always confused me too. I've never felt male or female, never understood why a particular set of genitals should dictate behaviour or who one should fall in love with. Outwardly I appear normal but again internally I know my views and feelings are very different to others. Again, I've always just thought my brain was a bit wonky.

 

Seems highly technical interests are not at all unusual then! Mihaela: I still find valve gear a bit scary but I do have a very nice old (1960s?) KW 1000 HF linear amplifier which is in regular use. I'm reluctant to work on it due to the HV involved; I think seeing a colleague flung across the room when working on an old CRT has been burnt into my mind. Whilst I've always worked with electronics I've always had an absolute fear of electric shocks - despite as a kid, shocking myself for 'fun'. Go figure :)

 

Thanks for the comments - it's great to know I'm not alone!

 

 

Steve

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Mihaela - I find it interesting you mention gender dysphoria. I'm guessing you mean 'non gender-typical aspie' but the larger gender issue has always confused me too. I've never felt male or female, never understood why a particular set of genitals should dictate behaviour or who one should fall in love with.

I'm developing my own theories about the gender thing and Asperger's. The link between being on the spectrum and gender dysphoria, gender fluidity and/or being physically androgynous is well known. All these are known to have a genetic origin, and I suspect that some of the many genes that cause autism also cause the gender variant issues too. So, therefore, the genetic condition that results in early-onset gender dysphoria (at age 2-4) must be a pervasive developmental condition - just like autism - simply because it is pervasive, and exists before birth. (Although historically it's not yet officially recognised as a PDD, at least it's no longer classed as a psychiatric disorder and it recognised at being neurological). Also people on the spectrum are a lot more likely to be asexual or attracted to the same sex, or to either. We can also have strong emotional attachments to people without having any sexual attraction. I know four teenage girls on the spectrum and all of them have both gender identity issues and atypical sexual orientations. Two of them feel they are bisexual, one is probably asexual, while the fourth is openly lesbian, and only very recently told me she had autism, although I'd suspected it for some years. It's very unlikely that this would happen among a random group of four neurotypical teenagers.

 

Seems highly technical interests are not at all unusual then! Mihaela: I still find valve gear a bit scary but I do have a very nice old (1960s?) KW 1000 HF linear amplifier which is in regular use.

 

Scary? :) I must have had many hundreds of shocks while working on valve equipment. Never pleasant, but with basic safety precautions they never harmed me. You need to be careful of high-voltage high-current situations though, such as when found in high-power PA's, old-style EHT systems (i.e. using a mains transformer) and all 'live-chassis' (AC/DC) equipment (cheaper domestic radios, and most TVs). Charged electrolytics can be nasty too. I had a friend who used to tune up his homemade MW transmitters for maximum RF burns! I've had a few of those too. You don't notice them until you smell burning skin! On a less shocking note, I've played around a lot with low-HT valve circuits (100V down to 6V). By the way, I have a mint KW2000.

Edited by Mihaela

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