WARNING: long post ahead.
Hi, I’m new to the forums and I’ve signed up because I’ve just recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (2 weeks ago yesterday).
I have a wife that I’ve been married to for 4 years and a little boy that has just turned 1.
There are a few things I desperately need some help with and I really don’t know where to turn, which is a large part of why I signed up on this forum.
I am seeking help through the NHS, however as some of you probably know… those things can take time.
So my biggest issue right now, is I’m hypersensitive to noise. Dogs barking, neighbours banging…. Or my son crying L Sometimes I can cope with it okay, but sometimes I can’t and it really makes me feel like disappearing. For obvious reasons this is not acceptable.
My wife to some degree understands this, but when I really lose the plot (which has only happened twice with my little boy), understandably… she does not.
The other part of the problem, having said the above, is trying to make my wife understand what Asperger’s means to me.
For instance… the very first thing she said to me when I walked through the door after being diagnosed with Asperger’s (after crying my eyes out all the way home by the way, it’s been a really emotional journey to get to this point) was “I hope you don’t use this as an excuse to hide behind”. I did try to explain to her that I wouldn’t do that and try to get her on the same page as me about it, but it fell on deaf ears. She had an attitude about it which really pissed me off and as a result we had a very big argument which resulted in me throwing my wedding ring at her, using the C bomb(she HATES swearing) and telling her to get out of my life. Well it was at this point I thought we were going to get a divorce, I’d never lashed out at her like that before and I think it was a shock to her as much as it was to me.
As a result of this I decided to go to the GP for some advice and I am now taking antidepressants, low dose, but he said it would take the edge off things. It took a few days but eventually my wife apologised (in her own way, she never says the word sorry) and we made up.
Over the years I have told my wife there are certain things she does that I cannot take, it really breaks my head.
For example, we don’t really argue… instead she will give me the silent treatment which absolutely destroys me… I’ve told her numerous times not to do it but she never listens and continues to do so when I do something wrong, like raising my voice at her for example.
Another thing is when I ask her “what’s wrong” and she replies “nothing” when even I can tell that something is wrong, I’ve let her know that I’m not a mind reader and recently with the diagnosis of Asperger’s I’ve explained that it’s just something she needs to literally spell out, not that she needs telling… she still doesn’t listen to that.
She is a nurse, and has on occasion dealt with people with mental disabilities and such, so she really doesn’t need much educating on the matter… I just don’t know how to get through to her.
When I tell her she’s not supportive of my condition she attacks me asking “have I not been supportive enough when I… [insert a reason here]
I am trying to make her understand how and why I behave in certain ways in certain situations, but for a reason I simply cannot understand she will not listen.
I had been given a book from the mental health clinic that’s for families to read of people with Asperger’s and as yet she has not even picked it up. We had a little bit of an argument last night and I told her she needs to read that book which was met with some sarcastic comment that I don’t remember.
I really feel like I’m on my own with this, and I’m afraid that if this continues we’re going to get a divorce which is absolutely the last thing I want. I am having a lot of ###### in work also, so the last thing I want is to go home and feel uncomfortable there as well.
Truth is, I am not the most helpful person to her… I tell her she literally has to spell out what she wants from me and her answer to that is “just think what needs to be done, I can’t think of everything”. No amount of telling her “I don’t see it the way you do” makes her understanding and since the diagnosis she stands behind the thought of “of course, because of your Asperger’s” in a very sarcastic manner. L
Having said the above, I do try and help… I am trying my best to do things for her without feeling frustrated, but I’m sure some of you will understand it can be really really hard… but this is a struggle she doesn’t understand.
Sorry for the long post, hope someone can give me advice one way or another.