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      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   06/04/2017

      Depression, Mental Health and Crisis Support   Depression and other mental health difficulties are common amongst people on the autistic spectrum and their carers.   People who are affected by general mental health difficulties are encouraged to receive and share information, support and advice with other forum members, though it is important to point out that this exchange of information is generally based on personal experience and opinions, and is not a substitute for professional medical help.   There is a list of sources of mental health support here: <a href="http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=18801" target="_blank">Mental Health Resources link</a>   People may experience a more serious crisis with their mental health and need urgent medical assistance and advice. However well intentioned, this is not an area of support that the forum can or should be attempting to offer and we would urge members who are feeling at risk of self-harm or suicide to contact either their own GP/health centre, or if out of hours contact NHS Direct on 0845 4647 or to call emergency services 999.   We want to reassure members that they have our full support in offering and seeking advice and information on general mental health issues. Members asking for information in order to help a person in their care are seeking to empower both themselves and those they represent, and we would naturally welcome any such dialogue on the forum.   However, any posts which are deemed to contain inference of personal intent to self-harm and/or suicide will be removed from the forum and that person will be contacted via the pm system with advice on where to seek appropriate help.   In addition to the post being removed, if a forum member is deemed to indicate an immediate risk to themselves, and are unable to be contacted via the pm system, the moderating team will take steps to ensure that person's safety. This may involve breaking previous confidentiality agreements and/or contacting the emergency services on that person's behalf.   Sometimes posts referring to self-harm do not indicate an immediate risk, but they may contain material which others find inappropriate or distressing. This type of post will also be removed from the public forum at the moderator's/administrator's discretion, considering the forum user base as a whole.   If any member receives a PM indicating an immediate risk and is not in a position (or does not want) to intervene, they should forward the PM to the moderating team, who will deal with the disclosure in accordance with the above guidelines.   We trust all members will appreciate the reasoning behind these guidelines, and our intention to urge any member struggling with suicidal feelings to seek and receive approproiate support from trained and experienced professional resources.   The forum guidelines have been updated to reflect the above.   Regards,   The mod/admin team
pookie170

The Batcave

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kaz   

lol D.W.

just how much would i have to pay you to leave the SEN maze??????

 

If you want money your out of luck :oops:

 

But i do promise never ever ever to wear sparkly g-strings ( god that would scare anyone into giving me what ever i wanted just to get me to cover up!!! :whistle: )

 

so for one last time before D.W self distructs this post IN 5 SECONDS........

 

1.

 

YOUR ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL MADDDDDDDDDDDDD

 

2.

 

3.

 

4.

 

bangggggggggggggggggggggggggg

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Kris   

Hmmm, I suspect you should probably find yourself an avatar. They can get a little funny about that sort of thing in here! :) (mind you, they are all mad anyway!!)

 

BAN MAN seems to change his on a weekly basis!! :lol:

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nellie   

FANTASTIC :thumbs::thumbs: that's just what I wanted to hear!!!! :thumbs:

 

No avatar - No entry. :thumbs:

 

 

My marbles are precious - I dinna want to lose them!!!!! :lol::lol::lol:

 

I might need to do some De-Mystification!!!

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Kris   
FANTASTIC :thumbs::thumbs: that's just what I wanted to hear!!!! :thumbs:

 

No avatar - No entry. :thumbs:

 

 

My marbles are precious - I dinna want to lose them!!!!! :lol::lol::lol:

 

I might need to do some De-Mystification!!!

Nice try :) Somehow I dont think you'll get away with that one.

 

Tho I think you will be safe from BAN MAN and Delete Woman :lol:

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Jester   

"Wassat? harrumph" (reaches for ear trumpet)

 

Jester staggers to feet, the Spirit of Captain Morgan infusing his bloodstream (at times like this he believes himself to look like Johnny Depp in 'Pirates of the Caribbean', actually, he looks like Johnny Morris in 'Animal Magic'). :(

 

 

"Ban Man :shame: , Beware!" he burbles "Your Red Spandex t-shirt looks too much like the doomed "Red Shirts" of 'Star Trek' fame.

 

{"Ensign Expendable...patrol behind this rock...and scream when something eats you."

 

"Yessir" Step, step, step, step, "AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"}

 

It is a well known fact ( on my ward, anyway) that monsters are drawn to the colour red, if worn on the upper body. You have been warned. :unsure:

 

Strikes pose (trying to look like Aragorn, managing to look like Gimli's ugly brother) :crying:

 

Jester :)

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ksasnic   

Hmmm. Which will my alter ego be ???? unfortunately due to an accident with a space hopper and mr whippy I now suffer from schit...zer thingy you know phrenics and depending on the mood I change so perhaps I should be Karma karma and nots so Karma chamelian.

 

No. from this day forward I wish to be known as banshee girl :devil:

 

arghhh small child alert must rescue moggy before child ties it in a knot like mad balloon kids party artist.

 

 

Sleeeeeep you feel sleepy you must sleep ... no wait hold on thats me zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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Kris   

"Ah Jester! Ive been expecting you... Do sit down"

 

<BAN MAN is sitting at the end of a long table, his bald head gleaming. He holds in his arms a small white rabbit wearing a diamond collar. Obviously he carries the obligatory duelling scar on his right cheek! <The lycra shorts are sponsored by helen & helen plc>

 

"You have been a worthy adversary Jester"

 

<BAN MAN smiles a knowing smile>

 

"There is a strange nobility about our kinship. We are very alike. Join me, come to the slightly mucky side" (I would use the 'Dark Side' but George Lucas has the copyright)

 

<BAN MAN senses that jester will not cross over! He sighs deeply>

 

:star:

 

<it is an epic battle but one that the Jester loses this time>

 

"That is regrettable. We could have ruled the world. Sadly it is time for you to go, I have no further use for you!"

 

Now, at this stage, any normal moderator would just produce a gun and shoot the other, but no! This is a Bond/Star Wars style scenario and any such death would be too quick and easy (and sensible) ... So picture the scene... :-

 

The Jester is tied up and suspended by a rope over a small padding pool which is teaming with live rabbits (well, at least one; Robbie, huge teeth, very nasty!) A candle is slowy burning through the rope and it is clear that the Jesters time is running out...

 

(Note to self: Under normal circumstances I'd use the BAN BUTTON but unfortunately I still cant find the flippin batteries and Robbie is a bit peckish!)

 

The rope is burning through and time is running out for the Jester!!!!!!!

 

Will the Jester see sense and join BAN MAN on the slightly mucky side?

Will Robbie give up waiting for dinner and go down the pub for a beer?

Will Delete Woman call BAN MAN first thing in the morning and berate him for bringing the good name of Robbie into disrepute?

Will BAN MAN survive the bottle of wine that caused him to post in the first place? <HIC>

 

All might be revealed!!!!

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nellie   
Will BAN MAN survive the bottle of wine that caused him to post in the first place?

 

Brilliant - take a bow - o sorry, you can't, too much wine.

:lol::lol::lol:

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ksasnic   

ooh ooh a party and as normal banshee girl missed it..... but feeling slightly relieved will not have to draw on supa human strength to cope with hang over in the morning... despite having alka steltzer mans personal phone no.

 

Anyway she signs off as its now the night and she is a little scared of dark side, oh wait have just heard Harry plotter has got a statement, it seems Harmony Stranger has become.... dum dum duuuuum (strange eiry music) one of them ...... a member of the SS....... and Sen Weasleout is mincing the rabbits from strange experiment of Ban man in a bid to join the S.A.S, I wonder where Malfoyboyl will interfere, could he become Plotter's classroom assistant giving 10 hours of grief and lunchtime supervision as requested.... Could this spell the end to Plotter or will he become best friends with giraffe neck malfoyboyl.. Do we care....? No we don't so I am now off to dream about Luscious- Malfoyboyls father scantily clad in ....... :devil:

 

tooo tired

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Jester   

Ban Man :shame: , in true Super-Villain style you have miscalculated in your devilish plot to bring me down! :devil:

 

The Jester was formerly a Secondary School History Teacher and therefore has superpowers that enables him to communicate with - and ultimate control -otherwise inanimate plant life (usually Year 9 on a wet Friday afternoon) :bat:

 

By the time the candle burns through, the pool of rabbits is already sated on carrots that have sacrificed themselves at The Jester's request. Unscathed (apart from falling on his head) The Jester steps from the pool and hobbles back to the Batcave.

 

He feels a momentary pang of conscience for the bunnies who cushioned his fall.

 

The Jester waves his fist (in new, rather fetching rabbit-skin gloves) at the Pub.

 

"Never underestimate the Superchums, Ban Man. Now I've seen the Uberthong, I will follow The Female Inquisitor to the ends of the earth ...or anywhere there might be an updraft anyway." :devil::devil::devil:

 

It is far too early in the morning - where is my 'medicinal hip flask'?

Nurse, nurse....

 

Jester :)

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Lisajb   

Nooooooooooooooooooo!

 

We need

 

DYNAMIC DIRK DANFORTH! (flash of light off of blindingly bright teeth, Tom-Cruise style)

 

 

B):pray:

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bid   

Greetings, Banshee Girl and Dynamic Dirk Danforth (Lisa, is this you??!!) :bat::bat:

 

Welcome to the Bat Cave and the world of Super Dudes! Together we will fight the Dark Forces of the LEAord and the Ring Binder Wraiths...and see to it that Harry Plotter's Statement has adequate contact time!! :fight:

 

But onto more important things. It is a matter of extreme urgency that you forward details of your costume choices, so that the Female Inqisitor can verify that you do not clash with her.

 

Furthermore, Gentle Reader, the Female Inquisitor has noticed that the Bat Cave is looking very scuzzy these days!

 

Henceforth, she will endeavour to bring the art of Gracious Living to said Bat Cave, and as a start she has introduced a Cat Woman crocheted loo roll cover into the Batloo, and a placed a doiley beneath the Batphone.

 

She hopes that her Superchums will desist from leaving their HobNob wrappers on the floor, and find somewhere else for their, um, light sabres as she is fed up of tripping over them!!

 

The Female Inquisitor hopes she will not have to resort to [/i]sanctions and discipline!! :blink: (Stop sniggering, ASM Woman!!)

 

Till later Uber Dudes!!

 

The Female Inquisitor :wacko:

 

PS if the Jester does not stop all this foolishness over the uber thong , she will have to resort to Big Pants!! You have been warned!!

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Lisajb   

aside to bid naahhh, not me, thought it could be hubby, he's always thought he looked like TC!

 

mind you, his belly ain't no good for lycra, he has got seventies style suits tho, ok for DDD!

 

:lol:

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ksasnic   

Arghh ...do I hear the sounds of Doris Day and "a womans touch, a womans touch now the bat cave doesn't smell as much... with a dust dust here and a dust dust there and and a bug around the window.......

 

 

I digress again...

 

Banshee Girl has a fetish for rubber and wears 3 million rubber bands knitted into a dual purpose cat suit which hides her nylon socks you know the ones the 70's knee high holy ones and her razor sharp stiletto kinky boots.... She staggers sideways, the wine flowing from a hip flask she found attached to the side of a stinglewap ( a secret agent from w.a.s.p.Wanton Aspergers Secret Police - not to be confused with the good guys my U.N.C.L.E Ilya Kuriakin ) She glugs it down hoping that her costume would pass the bat test... if she were to fail ...no that thought to hideous to contemplate.. I must succeed , I have to.. one last glug and her fate would be sealed for ever this was worse far worse than waiting for her guide badge in knot tying- a skill she knew would come in handy later in life for her hobby come business.. she supplied string vests for ex super heros.. she had to be careful or the IRS would fleece her of her �2.6 shillings and 9pence savings she always asked for payment in lsd unfortunately she wanted the money variety and after a very heavy session with a purple monkey and the flying cow she realised payment must now become decimalised she couldn't keep taking time out to visit Timothy Leary and save his ass, she was a super hero afterall and not a pshychologist eek she realised the wine was obvioshly takimn affoct thwe worps wer all gettimg fuszy... had she caught dislexia ???? No Timothy I will not sing any Smiths songs... THen things went very dark. very dark indeed she had woken up in the education office having signed a full confession of being in charge of an aspergic son and no licence.... and dancing manically to I can't get no satisfaction..... obviously all was lost, she had lost , she was lost... no honestly she was really lost if anyone knows where she is please phone lost-r-us immediately... THE END - THANK GOD

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CarolJ   

Can a superhero get no peace! The Batcave is like getting like Picadilly Circus these days!!!!

 

Have been suspended amongst the stallegtites at top of bat cave :bat: "bat styleee" :bat: for last two days because it was the only place I could get some peace!!!!!

 

Unfortunately because of the Volcano Heat Chicken Phal curry and gravity (its what Bats do I saw a nature documentary once (thats my excuse) and for some unknown reason I have developed a thing about toilet paper, I just want to eat it!! (pica) :wub: ) had to take superhero costume to dry cleaners! Whilst passing newsgents noticed headlines of FT, apparently share prices in Sequin, Rubber Bands & Nylon 70s stylee Socks comapanies have more than trippled causing a shock waves amongst the financial centres of the world!

 

Note to self-buy shares in said companies

 

Walking amongst the debris littering batcave I decide to visit the batloo and try to rid myself of remainder of montesomers revenge but hark, do my eyes deceive me, an andrex cunningly hiding under a crotched dolly thingy!!! :unsure: as I sniff with my keen batsmell this has Uberthong written all over it - I dash to phone and "what is this??????" a doiley under the batphone. The Female Inquisitor must be stopped, how can we ever be taken seriously as a worthy adversaries when we have crochted toilet roll coverings and doileys!!!!!!

 

ASM Woman then turns and trips over deflated paddling pool with bits of rabbit fur stuck to it?????? Burnt rope suspended from the ceiling ........ this bears all the hallmarks of a close encounter with a double agent otherwise known as Ban Man, my super senses were right about him! I spot an empty martini glass with a cocktail stick impaled through which look like I hope two shrivelled up olives!!!!![poor Jester - will he jangle no more??????] - under the glass is a calling card produced by Helen & Helen plc - that lycra shorts clad fiend!!!!!!

 

But what to to - how am I to alert the Bat Force/superheros??? [i cannot give speech worthy of Damn Busters/we shall fight them on the beaches, on the top of the Bar, avoiding the pints of larger, bottles of becks, beermats etc,], I know idea - post-it notes stuck on back of Batloo door, on Kettle and Hobnobs cupboard in Batkitchen! Oh the mind of ASM woman works like treacle -Ooozing clever ideas!!!!

 

ASM woman again, is hit :fight: by another cunning plan! She rifles through hidden stash of CD's and digs out Rolling Stones Greatest Hits - putting on said CD ASM turns volume up to full blast and the dulcet tones of Mick Jagger blast out "Jumping Jack Flash - its a gas gas gas!!!!!" - before the second verse of the song down the batpole at double speed appears the Jester, aided by his New Bunny Gloves?? - his sleep encrusted face is blank as he stands to attention giving a Benny Hill style salute, eyes blank and tongue protuding! quckly followed by Caped Confuser looking like Benny out of crossroads, Delete Woman appears from trap door in floor in a puff of what I hope is special effects smoke! Closely followed by The Ninja Uber Bot Kid and Uberthong herself!!!

 

Right, ASM woman observes raggidty line up of superheros, heart sinking - but we still have some missing, perhaps they will give ASM woman hope!!!

 

Doorbell goes and through the automatic revolving door (1, 2, 3rd time lucky) enters a dizzy Banshee Girl, sweating profusedly in her rubber bands and nylon - she bounces over to the line and takes her place beside Caped Confuser who is trying to work out which end of a lollypop to suck!

 

Quick mental calculation, [skip that - dont want to overtax the old super nuggen!], holds hands up and bending fingers down five, two ....... six erhhhh..

 

All of a sudden the bat overhead garage doors flip open and in drives the Batvan out jumps ..... Pants Woman, De-Mystification Woman and in the backseat, still entangled with aid of seatbelt, in a position which by the very laws of nature is impossible is the flexible Yoda Woman!!!

 

Pants woman hiccups and gives ASM woman a smile [or perhaps it is wind?], they have just returned from a Beano to Blackpool!

 

ASM woman paces up and down the raggidity pathetic line up of so called superheros, her heart sinking by the second - or perhaps its indigestion! Ninja Uber Bot Kid has taken pity on the Caped Confuser and shown her which end of the Lolly to suck, Uberthong is busy adjusting herself and every now and then I hear a twack!!, The Jester is strutting up and down with his rear end jutting out as well as his lips, looking like an extra out of Chicken Run, the Movie to the strains of Jumping Jack, Banshee girl looks as if the rubber bands may be chaffing her, and ASM woman makes mental note to advise use of talcum when wearing anything rubber, or methinks, perhaps this discomfort is part of the rubber band Fetish which Banshee Girl enjoys and this helps keep her superpowers s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d and ready to twang at short notice!

 

De-Mystification woman is looking confused and stratching her head, as if to say, What the hell am I doing here????? - Delete Woman has finished picking her nose and is handing her findings over to De-Mystification Woman to analyse! Pantwoman is trying to cover up the effects of last night's curried beans :wub: on toast by trying to move around inside her sweaty wellies, hoping noone will notice! Alas Yoda woman is onto Pantswoman and is trying to position herself to avoid the worse effects of these emissions!

 

ASM woman takes a deep breath coughing, as Pantswoman directly in front of her]!

 

AHEM! Superfolks we have been infiltrated, we need to discuss the double dealings of that Purple Lycra Clad double crossing fiend, Ban Man and his side kick Helen & Helen. What shall we do, I suggest we write down all suggestions on a post-it note and put it into a hat and one of us can pull out the winning suggestion (being that there are no rabbits left to pull out of hat, thanks to that darstadly Fiend Ban Man!!!!!)

 

Please write down your suggestions and drop them in the hat!

 

ASM woman going to lie down for a bit .....

 

Pausing to look at the late Super Bunny's cape, hanging forlonly on coat stand, gently swaying in breeze created by Pants woman :wub: . Ahhhhhh, alas poor Robbie, I knew thee well sniffs ASM woman, she turns to look at the motley crew of assembled superheros and :devil: what is that glint in The Jester's eyes :devil: , perhaps it is my superimagination playing tricks......

Edited by CarolJ

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CarolJ   

:bat: Curses, and superhero profanities :bat:;) - whilst ASM woman's mind was busy pondering the double dealings of the lycra purple short cladded fiend, Ban Man, ASM Woman's AS offspring, :devil: Bad Boy Rapper Scottie :devil: has pulled his sister's M&S birthday cake out of the cupboard which is waiting for brithday party this Saturday (and stood on box) :oops: , Holy Squashed Cake Crumbs!

 

EmmaJ big sister, will not be impressed :tearful::crying: - will have to eat evidence and jump into Thomasmobile to purchase identical cake so no. 1 daughter does not realise! :unsure:

 

GRRRR, you see what Ban Man can cost us superheros (�9.99 plus 2x AAs) he needs to be stopped now!!! :angry::angry::angry::angry::angry::angry:

 

What next?????? :unsure::dance::hypno:

Edited by CarolJ

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CarolJ   

Advice needed :bat:

 

The Jester was formerly a Secondary School History Teacher and therefore has superpowers that enables him to communicate with - and ultimate control -otherwise inanimate plant life (usually Year 9 on a wet Friday afternoon)

 

Jester, would you be willing to share this powerful knowledge, >:D<<'> have need as have husband whose powers of selective hearing cannot hear words like "take the bins out", "put the toilet seat down", "change offspring's nappy" :wallbash: .

 

Words like "dinner's ready" and "yes, you can go down the pub" and "my headache has gone" :whistle: , seem to work wonders. :thumbs:

 

Perhaps its my approach, the power to communicate with a life form on par with "inanimate plant life" and a few braincells removed from an ameoba would prove very useful. I need to know where I am going wrong. Perhaps will also be useful for SENCO LEA dealings!! :hypno:

 

Alas, unless he evolves I am afraid other half will never reach superhero status, the closest he will get is "Super Larger" status! :thumbs:

 

Except for topics of football and beer, conversationary powers come to complete standstill. :shame:

 

I await your expert instruction.

 

ASM woman, standing etc. etc etc., cape fluttering etc. etc. ASM displayed proudly on sagging chest etc. etc. :bat:

Edited by CarolJ

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CarolJ   

Lisa, come to think of it - I have seen more intelligent things lying on their backs on the bottom of ponds!

Edited by CarolJ

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Jester   

Oohhhh! Harrumpmh! <racking cough, slight dribble> snarl!

 

(It is SATs week and The Jester has returned from his day job)

 

He staggers with eyes half closed towards his favourite comfy chair when CRASH!

 

What is this?

 

Suffering SENCOs, Superchums! Has The Jester been laid low by another fiendish trap laid by BanMan :shame: ??

 

No..as he rises painfully to his knees (cue pistol-shots) then to his feet, he sees a strange soft object apparently designed by what he can only describe as (harrumph) a Female! It would appear to be something onto which one is supposed to put one's feet, when at rest in said comfy chair. It is a "Pouffe"

 

There is also some form of lace object on the back of his chair. (He understands this to be called an "Anti-Massacre", or some such.)

 

The Jester recognises the hand of Female Inquisitor here, attempting to make the Batcave a 'haven of gracious living'. Well...just because most of the inhabitants of the Batcave are women and men are outnumbered 10 to 1, He still think it should be furnished to HIS tastes (or lack thereof!)

 

The Jester attempts to stand with hands on hips, chest jutting (a la ASM woman) but his dodgy left shoulder prevents this. He is, therefore, standing with only one hand on his hip when he shouts "There seems to be a Pouffe in the Batcave!"

 

He tries to ignore the sniggering and sinks into the comfy chair muttering darkly about soft furnishings.

 

Tomorrow, he will leave the semi-dismantled gearbox of the JestMobile in the kitchen Batsink, just to show who's boss.

 

Tomorrow night he will clean the Batsink and wash the Batfloor and clean all the Batsurfaces and Batloo with 'Mr BatMuscle' because he has found out just who IS boss!!

 

Jester :)

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Jester   

ASM Woman :bat:

 

My Super Plant life controlling powers do not work on adult males!

 

You know how carefully you must choose your words when dealing with "Spectrum Dudes" (and I think all us guys are on it somewhere) so attempting to DIRECTLY insert your aforementioned thoughts into Hubby's brain could be disasterous.

 

For example "Take out the bins" can be easily confused in the male mind with an Arnold Schwarzenegger(??) Film and result in Hubby blasting the bins with a rocket launcher.

 

"Put the toilet seat down" will see him in there for hours, insulting the loo and telling the seat it is the WORST loo seat ever and it's lucky to have its job.

 

"Change offspring's nappy" ...well, 'for what?' You may find nappy has been changed for a 6 pack of beers and/or a kebab.

 

I cannot take the risk...my veg controlling powers have come at the cost of years of self denial (and mind altering medication)

 

Sorry :tearful:

 

Jester :)

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niki   

pppppuuuurrrrrrlllllleeeeaaaasssseeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

have no more ribs left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am losing consiencousness, consiousness doh! is all going black!!!! :lol:

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CarolJ   
Elefan   

:wub: ,...to all you super-heroes!!

 

When it is sometimes too difficult to find time to post, or things are maybe 'happening' at home,...there's always a warm welcome in the bat-cave!! B)

 

Respect!!!! B) You lot deserve the best!!

 

From an appreciative Delete Woman!

 

PS Jester,....take off the gloves!!!!!!!!!!! :crying:

 

 

 

:dance: Robbie rules!!

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Jester   

"Onion ring to rule them

onion ring to find them

onion ring to bring them all

and in the darkness bind them"

 

 

The saga continues....

 

The Hobbity teacher, misunderstanding Gandalf's advive, has eaten a load of onion rings (ASM woman, if you think Phal is bad medicine...try a whole bowl of onion rings) and believes himself protected from the corrupting effects of The One Ring Binder.

 

The One Ring Binder is all but indestructable. The old wizard explained that the only way to obtain the Fabled "Statement" is to return the One Ringbinder to its source.

 

Since The One Ringbinder undoubtedly originated from the Rear End of the Dark LEAord, the hobbity teacher has no choice but to go directly to the Dark Tower of County Hall, find the Dark LEAord and stick the One Ring Binder up his kazoo.

 

He has already crossed Middle Earth battling ORC after ORC (Organiser of Resource Control) and the terrifying "Barry-Whites" (members of ones own family who think Lurve is enough and we should all just stop fighting...and, anyway, I can't see anything wrong with the lad...look! He can use a fork etc)

 

To aid him, he has (apparently) obtained the help of SMEAGOL to guide him through the labarynthine confusion of the Dark Tower, but he does not know that SMEAGOL is leading him false and they are heading to the lair of SHELOB (Supreme Head of Education, Learning and Other Budgets) a vastly bloated creature of evil that squats in its dark, impenetrable web of lies and deceit right in the centre of the Dark Tower.

 

 

Will the hobbitty teacher survive?

Will the Dark LEAord receive the requisite "Code of Practice Enema"?

Will Jester's medical team EVER give him sufficient medication to stop this insanity?

 

Jester :)

 

PS 'Ere..I've had a great idea about Director of All Related THings in Vocational And Directed Educational Resources (DARTHVADER) Help me, please, I can't keep doing this :star:

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Lisajb   

It's Friday evening in the Batcave and all is quiet.

 

Or is it?

 

From a dark corner come sounds of muttering and sounds of things being disturbed.

 

"Where is it? Where have they hidden it? There must be some here somewhere!"

 

Cushions, anti massacres and pouffes are flung to one side. Red faced, stressed looking woman is searching for something.

 

Onion Rings?

Or bottles of Akli Selzter Pops in fruity flavours?

 

Will she find them?

Who knows where they are?

:tearful:

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Jester   

Lisa

 

It's now Saturday night and I understand why the batcave has been so quiet these last few days. It is not an evil plot by Ban Man :shame: or Delete Woman :ph34r: or, indeed, any of our other arch nemeses ... :devil: SENCO woman etc.

 

NO..I fear our superchums have been overwhelmed by the amount of lycra, leather, rubber bands, g-strings, thongs, capes, boots and masks involved in their costumes and have, in fact, all spent the last few days in Istanbul rehearsing their entries for the Eurovision Song Contest. :unsure:

 

I have seen you, Superchums, and you should be ashamed of yourselves! :blink:

 

It's no good posing as some unknown slavonic cafe singer from Bosnia - Herzogodknowswhere....you cannot conceal your superpowers that way. :oops:

 

There can be no explanation for the scoring that occurs in Eurovision, unless one of you has developed The Jester's Veg-controlling Powers!!!

 

Return to base immediately! :bat: The world of Special Needs cannot survive without your unique talents :ninja: (and there were some pretty...er... unique talents on Eurovision tonight). :dance:

 

Jester :)

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Jester   

Hello everyone. Everyone?? Hello???? Hello????

 

Following Delete Woman's :ph34r: suggestion on "it's Oh so quiet" The Jester :) And Female Inquisitor :wacko: are standing in the Batcave with a variety of fine wines and an eclectic mix of bite sized bits impaled on cocktail sticks (ideally suited for any of our 'Spectrum Dude' kids with dyspraxic tendencies to damage themselves, each other, and the "Soft Furnishings of Gracious Living" installed by Female Inquisitor :wacko: )

 

There is even a jug of Pimms for the sophisticates and a bottle of freshly strained meths for anyone from County Hall.

 

The Jester occasionally pats his pockets to check for his medicine. Will the Spirit of Capt. Morgan be joining him later?

 

Female Inquisitor :wacko: is checking the Batclock. When will the others arrive? Has Ban Man finally captured everyone but us?

 

Jester :) and Female Inquisitor :wacko:

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Lisajb   

Firstly I apologise if this is a bit too, erm, adult for here but here goes:

 

looking-for-alkiselzter woman watched the euro song contest last night (she's a bit of a saddo!) and

 

they weren't salvonic cafe singers - more like flippin pole dancers! I don't think it was our superheroes hiding there - they'd have had more taste.

 

Keep some drinkies for me - I'm on the way! she says stagggering ALONG and making a rite mess of her typin

 

;)

Edited by Lisajb

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Lisajb   
:fight: note to self: when in drunken state remember to log out of forum - otherwise it looks like you were rooting round the batcave all day and acting like the spy from the LEA!

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kirstie   

:bat:PANTWOMAN IS BACK!!!!!!! with a crash-landing almost impaling myself of yummy munchie things on cocktail thingys, the smell of fear at this thought is present all around the Batcave...... or is that the flutterings of last nights chicken rogan josh???!

Have had very trying week and these y-fronts have been bunching very painfully, so cannot,will not think of being one-Pantwoman-supper-hero-ever-again.I hereby enlist the help of ALL our 'supper'-heroes.

:ph34r: First of all, Jester (aka the Timothy Claypole of the Cave!!) methinks some much needed jesting is the order of the day for, Delete Woman whom much cheesed offedness is apparent ( i sense a deriliction of the slightly mucky side coming on, could the Pimms and munchies be drawing our Delete woman into our Batcave, come hither Delete Woman, Hob nobs ,curried beans, WINE are all you need to become a member and together we can foil BAN-MAN, mwahmwahmwahmwah!!!)

Secondly,i enlist the help of all members, first born son has been a very difficult boy.I have given him the alias(s) pre-pubescent-kevin-and-perry-no-i-won't-wear-my-uniform-and-i-hate-these-school-shoes- son has had Pantwoman swirling round and round in a never ending battle of wills, have been in right old state,as said child, aka, yes-i've-taken-my-inhaler-to-control-my-very-chronic-asthma-even-though-its-still-in-the-drawer-son has wheezed hisway through the week, and driven Pantwoman to eat extra curry and hobnobs!(sorry all!!) :(

Said child has been argueing that 'it's sooooo unfair' and can he just have the chewy bar that contains nuts as he'll probably be ok, just make sure you have an epipen, :shame: very trying! And while all is going on around him AS son is sitting at the playstation oblivious to it all, stopping only to tell me about monstors inc and the nerves(dont ask me!! i just wear pants over my long johns!!)

The next thing would be to tell you fellow supper-heroes is beware of big high street shop with large apple above it's sign.It is not what it seems, i too entered this shop thinking, holy Educational games!! will pick up computer games for children.IT IS NOT an apple mac shop as i thought (my excuse and im sticking to it!!!) although there are many items within that could be very useful in our fight to rid the evils that lurk stinkily everywhere, and ASM woman i know you'd love it there :wub:

So as you see it has been very busy for a very bemused Pantwoman, I feel the evils of the senco are gaining power whilst we are otherwise engaged, we must stop them all, supper-heroes we have work to do.............to the Thomasmobile!! :bat:

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CarolJ   

Holy Sencos and Statements, I have returned!

 

Have survived weekend. The Council have taken away my phone box which I placed cunningly outside front door for quick metamorphosis into ASM Woman - a notice had been stuck on by those fiends from the council with evil mutterings about "lack of planning permission" - had to throw note in fire to see words!!!! Will the evil powers of SENCO know no bounds?

 

Onions Rings and ORCS, will the Hobbity Jester (aka Timothy Claypole - nice one Pantswoman LOL!!!!) make it to the Dark Tower of the County Hall with the aid of the double dealing SMEGOL or will he end up being lunch for SHELOB (Supreme Head of Education, Learning and Other Budgets) who's bloated form waits in ambush!!!

 

Methinks the hairy footed, Hobbity Jester and Samwise Uberthong (who knows of SMEGOL's evil plan) are in grave peril? ASM woman heaves herself up from squashed pouffe which now adorns Batcave. Adjusts G String, brushes hobnob crumbs from front of superhero duds, takes deep breath coughing and hobbles over to Thomasmoble -but wait, its gone - ASM woman remembers Pantswoman borrowed it on important superhero mission.

 

Curses and IEPs - I, ASM Woman will have to get the bus!!!!Methinks people will think am on the way to Eurovision Song contest - definitely will get "Nil Point" - what a load of old tosh!!! - will hum verse of making your mind up so as to fool LEA spys!

 

With a stylish swirl of the cape ASM woman trots towards the batcave automatic revolving door. ASM manages to exit on 4th attempt and staggers dizzily to bustop only to see 127 disappearing into the distance. Suffering Statements - I, ASM Woman will have to wait for next bus, peering at timetable (every 15 minutes) yeah right!

 

The forces of County Hall are trying to tharwt ASM Woman's every move......

 

Will the heroic ASMWoman get to the Hobbity Jester in time to warn him of SMEGOL's dark evil plan. Will the Hobbity Jester listen to Samwise Uberthong or has the power of the One Ring Binder twisted his mind so that he cannot listen to reason?

 

The fate of middle earth hangs by a thread. I, ASM Woman vow to save the day!!!

 

ASM woman, standing at bus stop, etc......

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Kris   

Eventually, you will all join me on the slightly mucky side.

 

Whilst I hold the BAN BUTTON, I will never be foiled!! :devil: mwahaha mwahahahaha mwahahahahahahaha <cough> <choke> <splutter>

 

(note to self: Finish mouthful of sandwich before doing my Dr Evil impression in future!!)

 

BANMAN

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CarolJ   
Will the heroic ASMWoman get to the Hobbity Jester in time to warn him of SMEGOL's dark evil plan. Will the Hobbity Jester listen to Samwise Uberthong or has the power of the One Ring Binder twisted his mind so that he cannot listen to reason?

 

The fate of middle earth hangs by a thread. I, ASM Woman vow to save the day!!!

 

ASM woman, standing at bus stop, etc......

 

Suffering Statements - ASM Woman realises that superhero duds have no pockets so therefore no bus fare. ASM Woman cunningly tackles

Special-Needs-Nonsense-that-boy-just-needs-a-good-hiding-OAP
avoiding tins of catfood and denture fixture and borrows bus pass! Trying not to listen to poisoness whisperings of graphic medical ailments and it was never like this in my days......, ASM Woman leaps aboard 127 bus, having fooled LEA Bus Driver with lifeless eyes and threatening manner!

 

Off to save Hobbity Jester, will ASM reach them in time .........

Edited by CarolJ

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Jericho   

<<pokes head around the corner and sees that the cave is empty>> :bat:

 

Holy DLA! There's no one to stop me in my fiendish plot to take over the Cave, the Forum, and then the WOOOOOOOOORRRRLLLD! B)

 

What's this? Ban-Man's button is unattended. If I can just find the instruction manual then this forum will be all

 

 

 

MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!

 

Darn it! Who forgot to pick up the non-Taiwanese manual???

 

<<slopes off to find a fellow superhero who can translate obscure languages>>

 

:devil::ph34r::devil:

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Jester   

The Jester appears with a bang and a puff of multi-coloured smoke ... Damn those 'Bombay Bad Boy' Pot-noodles! :huh:

 

Greetings Superchums ... I expect you're all wondering where I've be...? he looks around, his Super Senses Straining (but not straining too hard - see Pot Noodle problem above) for any sign of the other denizens of the Batcave. :unsure:

 

A discarded sequin, a scrap of lycra and an unidentified smell. Hmmm? Where are they? :(

 

Have the Superchums, like me, been desperately battling to escape the secret lair of 'Dr Depressor' and his sidekick 'Melancholy Man'? :tearful::crying:

 

Well - never mind! (Bloke, you see, won't address emotional questions) I have a new idea to fire the imaginations of the superchums! B)

 

ACTION FIGURES!

 

Yes folks! get 'em while stocks last ...all your favourite Superhero characters in minature! (Completely safe for children and adults with a deranged fantasy life)

 

Thrill along with:

ASM Woman :bat: (includes Lifting Cape and Curry Winds of Doom Attack)

Ban Man :shame: (includes cycling shorts and Killer Rabbit Trap)

Delete Woman :ph34r: (includes Delete Button of Terror...batteries not included)

Female Inquisitor :wacko: (Includes Sequinned G-Strings in various colours and 'Uberthong-Attack Action' ...Be afraid)

 

I'm sure there are more, so c'mon chums!

 

By the way ... there will be NO Jester model because I cannot face the sniggers from the female superheroes when they see that it says on the box "Warning - Small Parts" :blink:

 

Jester :)

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