baddad Report post Posted January 21, 2007 sprouts again - by Wendy Windblows Casanova by Randy Beggar The music of Hawkwind - by Harry Onsundown (ok bid?! ) And so to bed - by Jim Jamms Murder at Sea - by Eva Ovabord The Fat Dinner Lady - by Edie Lefttovas Hev's psychiatric report - by Rhonda Twist Does my bum look big in this? - by Justine Ormass Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted January 21, 2007 Im so vain by heather so beautiful Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
something vague Report post Posted January 21, 2007 Does my bum look big in this? - by Justine Ormass Shouldn't that be Does my head look big in this? - by Justine Ormass? How to tell BAD jokes by Al Getmecoat SV Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted January 22, 2007 The Mighty Wurlitzer - by Hugh Jorgann At The Auctions - by Bid Lowe & Selma Crappoff Bingo! - by Kelly Zai Truisms - by Wendy Capfitzz Romany Blood - by Betty Wanders Bored Now - by Ada Nuff...... L&P Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
summertime Report post Posted January 22, 2007 am i paranoid - by jermaine me bad drivers - by helen wheels one short leg - by eileen sideways Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted January 22, 2007 Are these actual titles and authors or are you lot just making them up as you go along. Please explain? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted January 22, 2007 bad drivers - by helen wheels She also wrote - women in 4x4's didn't she?? American Folk Songs - by - Shelby cumminroundamountainwhenshecumswoowoo (I enjoyed that!) Almond paste Frangipani - if that doesn't give you a clue, there really is no hope for you! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
something vague Report post Posted January 22, 2007 Summer Days by Gloria Sunshine The Hungry Man by Henrietta Horse Bonfire Night by Penny Foraguy In the Dark by Carrie A Torch A Barman?s duty by Phil Glasses A Drinkers Nightmare by M T Glasses MURDER by Carl thecops Furballs!! By Cat Jo King Don't know about anyone elses but mine are all genuine books. Go look on Amazon if you dont believe me!! SV Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
something vague Report post Posted January 22, 2007 More American Folksongs by Laura D Pickabailofcotton SV Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted January 30, 2007 Food preparation - By Cora Kidney & Dai Skarret Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted February 1, 2007 I WANT TO BE A HUNTER-GATHERER Been watching Ray Mears for the past few weeks and last weeks venison stew got my mouth watering (ben's too, we recreated it this week with half a leg of lamb diced and casseroled in red wine/juniper served with spinach/chickpeas and jacket spuds... yum Blummin yum!)... This week they roasted hazelnuts in sand, baked crayfish on sticks, fried wild mushroom medley in french bread, and had a spit-roast wild boar Then, I happened on BBC3 and something called 'the roadkill chef'... seaweed & puffball mushroom omelette and pan-fried duck breasts they also had a squirrel casserole which looked absolutely freaking gorgeous BTW - Yesterday I was pan frying some chicken livers for a salad, using some duck fat left over from the weekend... talking away to myself (as you do. You do, don't you??) I added the fat to the pan saying 'In goes the duck fat!' Ben shouts through - 'Did you just swear? did you just say the naughty F word??' L&P George of the jungle Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted March 10, 2007 Saw catch it, kill it, eat it this week......... don wanna be a hunter-gatherer no mo... I'm just gonna eat ugly things from now on! Mind you, GREY squirrels ARE ugly, aren't they??? L&P Fred of the fruiterers Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted March 10, 2007 Why...what did they eat this time that's made you go all gurly, BD?? Boho Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted March 10, 2007 it wasn't the eatin' it was a bit with a tongue in it that got to me Won't go into detail, but not for the squeemish (Not many people know this, but the 'squeemish' are actually a race of innuit vegetarians who live on nothing but kelp 'cos they can't bring themselves to kill and eat meat. They got that name based on general observation of their ahem 'motions', and it is derived from two other innuit phrases - 'Squeem' meaning 'green' and 'Mish' meaning 'watery'... Learn something new every day, eh?) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 7, 2007 'Heyylp me O-B-1-whatsit-cantalope...you're my only helyyyp..' This Batcave is scary Where did they all go...? Who ate all the hobnobs..? There's a lil smiley that needs saving - she has a bad case of the missing her lil monkey (two sleeps at daddys this weekend ) She needs wine - cheesy nibbles - daft jokes - and really, really bad music................................. NOW!! Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyllllllllllllllllllllpppppppppppppppppppppp!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 8, 2007 I'm loving how you all come rushing to help me............................... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 8, 2007 Pah - 'tis gloomy and deserted in these 'ere parts now (my parts often feel gloomy and deserted these days too )... Only the occassional, wandering Spelunker ('spelunker' is what they call pot-holers in America - see you learn something everyday!) searching aimlessly for their way out, Davey lamp ( I knew his sisters Tilly and Lava) casting amorphous shadows against the cold, damp granite walls... (Cold damp granite is available in the new Dulex interiors range - goes well with Lagubrious Limestone for skirtings and coving... DON'T go with dado rail (fnar fnar) - it's so eighties - but if you do I'd suggest Stalagtite Sandstone for this and all other features... Not those features, daft woman - Bloots number seven range would be far more appropriate (but perhaps just a small undercoat of Polly-Filler?)... sorry... gone off track a bit... not a good idea in a dark cave... having bright ideas in dark caves is much more enlightening: thinks - 'Lightbulb'... ahhhhh...whats this piece of string dangling here/ A pull cord for the overhead light...... (FX: sound of toilet flushing) Voice: Agggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! get out, you dirty swine!! Nyada yada yada yahhhhhhhhaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaa Right - gotta fly to take number one son to golf, but i've gota say I feel better for getting that off my chest, knees and not to mention swoniccles. Swonnicles? I told you not to mention those! Apologies all round L&P BD (aka JT aka CC) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 8, 2007 Don't like this cave...... .......there's was an odd bloke in platform who was muttering about decorating something-or-other.............. And the swine KNEW that was the lav............. Disgraceful behaviour............ I only went in there to change the loo roll......... Quite like the idea of decoratin' this place, bit gloomy n grotty round 'ere.....could do with a touch up (BD...stop it! ). I'm thinking bright orange with purple rag rollin' - who dropped the disco ball...? Where did the hoover go..?? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 8, 2007 Don't like this cave...... .......there's was an odd bloke in platform who was muttering about decorating something-or-other.............. And the swine KNEW that was the lav............. Disgraceful behaviour............ I only went in there to change the loo roll......... Quite like the idea of decoratin' this place, bit gloomy n grotty round 'ere.....could do with a touch up (BD...stop it! ). I'm thinking bright orange with purple rag rollin' - who dropped the disco ball...? Where did the hoover go..?? You'll need a fresh pad on your sander for the stalagtites, mind... (hmmm, thinks : 'The Stalagtites' weren't they Himmler's backing singers? Rag rolling? In the Loo?? Loo Rollings! Perhaps he needs some new backing singers? Have your disco balls dropped? Probably need a heavier duty catenary wire... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 8, 2007 (edited) I have noooooo idea what to say to that...!!!!! Edited April 8, 2007 by smiley Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted April 9, 2007 Woo hoo, the Batcave is back! Thanks Smiley Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted April 9, 2007 (edited) The BatCave door creaks open and there is the slightest quiver in the structure of the universe at a sub-atomic level... The faintest whisper of some long-forgotten tune curls lazily in through the open door... ...to be followed by a dainty foot in an implausibly high wedgey sandal The gleam of 'Tangerine Dream' nail polish on teeny toes cuts through the murk of the Batcave The dainty foot wobbles for a fraction before righting itself as the attached body sashays through the door... It is a vision of Retro Chic...it is The Female Inquisitor !! She delicately hitches up her chocolate brown halter-neck maxi-dress, and billows out the handerchief hem with a practised flick of one sandal, followed by another wobble on those implausibly high wedges The Female Inquisitor takes a sexy step forward, only slighty spoiled by the chaffing of The Lurex Uber Thong 'Well', she purrs, 'Where is everyone?? I want to partaaayyyyy!!' To Be Continued... Edited April 10, 2007 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 9, 2007 At ten o'clock on a Bank Holiday Monday morning? Mein Gott!! The decadence!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted April 9, 2007 (edited) Never heard of the "ANGELS"!!!!????????...........famous motto ...."anytime any place anywhere" Bads ??..don,t you rember those fine specimens...........................(cor do you remember those amazonian ladies atop purple platforms ... I,m including honorourary member Judge Thredd amongst the said posse) those times seem such a distant dark memory now ...Legs Akimbo.?......what ever happened to that old thigh slapper ...........or was that the old Judgey. ANYWAY .......I,m with boho bidders on this ...........wedges this year (and not the old thong variety ...ooh they make your eyes water) instead of platforms are now the order of the day......... and remember Bank Holidays included the Angels never let a needy parent/child ......or anything else for that matter down....no they were always there boozing.....and a scoffing.....and buying tat off E-bay........ Edited April 9, 2007 by Suze Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 10, 2007 YAY! Batcaves back Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 10, 2007 Of course I remember the angels! a nicer a bunch of slappers you couldn't wish to meet! What? I DID say 'thigh', i'm sure I did! No? Really?? WHOOPS - Sorry laydeez.... A nicer bunch of thigh-slappers you couldn't wish to meet! They leave no stone unturned, no avenue unexplored (fnar fnar), no depth unfathomed (yak yak) in their search for truth, justice, Pinot Grigio, hob-***s - Oh come on this ******* spellchecker is getting out of hand! - and cheap nights out Talking of hob ***s - Nice buns ladies!! Did you bake them yourselves or buy them from that mobile baker that does the rounds? What? Sigh....... did you buy them yourselves or from that mobile baker who travels around selling buns from his van? Now, what else you got on that cake trolley? Sticky willy? 'pon my soul! Cup cakes? Whooo, they are a size aren't they? DD-cup cakes, i'd say! French fancy? Fancy!! And what's that big one... the one shaped like a trumpet? Full of cream?? Cream what??? Oh, slice... i thought they had icing on the top? Still, never mind - just nice to see such a finne display of tarts again.... and the angels look lovely too L&P JT (BD is currently tied up in the corner (enjoying every minute - Huffa huffa huffa)) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 10, 2007 Little monkey 'What are you laughing at mum?' Me 'Ermmmmmm, a joke about ermmmmmmmmmm cakes' Little monkey ' Ohhhhh, tell me mummy!' Me 'Oh it's not that funny....................' Little monkey 'Tell me anyway mummy' Me 'Nahhhhhh' Little monkey 'Ohhh, go on mummmmmmmmmm' Me 'Would you like some of your choc easter bunny.....?' Little monkey 'Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!' Me 'Phew...........' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted April 10, 2007 "I really love a cream horn"..........sighed Suze(HONEST)!.............But give me a "succulently squeezed juicy strawberry-liscious filled tart atop a pool of dribbly freshly defrosted vanilla ice cream with a side order of sticky in the middle meringue and I,m anybodies".............................. in the dark of the batcave a faint sniggering followed by a" fnar fnar "could be heard...............the cake trolley with all its assembled cake and china started to shake as a rather huge pair of platforms came thundering into view............... "it,s been a long time "sighed Suze............."do you take sugar with that?"................. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 10, 2007 "I really love a cream horn"..........sighed Suze(HONEST)!.............But give me a "succulently squeezed juicy strawberry-liscious filled tart atop a pool of dribbly freshly defrosted vanilla ice cream with a side order of sticky in the middle meringue and I,m anybodies".............................. in the dark of the batcave a faint sniggering followed by a" fnar fnar "could be heard...............the cake trolley with all its assembled cake and china started to shake as a rather huge pair of platforms came thundering into view............... "it,s been a long time "sighed Suze............."do you take sugar with that?"................. 'No - I'm sweet enough (groan)... and stop groaning like that!' 'Carn 'elp it - I think i've eaten too much cake' 'Serves yer right - and on top of all that Easter chocolate as well'... hope it was that special easter cake... erm...what's it called?'.... 'Simnel' 'I said "Simnel" - 'onestly, you should really wash out your lugholes!' 'Nothing wrong with my plugholes - I use that new cream all around the bathroom... erm... wotsit called again... erm...' 'Cif' 'I said "Cif"' 'I know - that's what i thought you said' ' No answer to that really, is there?' 'Have you tried that other stuff... something 'Bang'... ooer, what's it again... millet...tillet...fillet...' 'Don't you mean 'Fil-ay ?' 'No - that's the French/Pretentious version' 'Hmmmm... a precoscious French filly, eh? Sounds right up my street...or should I say ' Parissiene walkway'? 'No you shouldn't - and you really should clean your ears out - I said pretentious french Fill-ay Not precoscious French filly - It's French for "Fillet" - It has a silent "T".' 'A silent what'? '"T"' 'Yes please - white no sugar - have you forgotten already?' Which brings us neatly, dear reader (well those of you that persevered), back to where we started! L&P JT Mwahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahah!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted April 10, 2007 .............not willing to increase the size of your bonce ......but how do you do it Messr le Bads?? now come on .... anyone would have thought I set that one up for you!"!!..............clever dick!...........damn the spell check!....................I,m sorry and I know I,m gonna get a roasting for sayin it (specially off the Angels).........but GENIUS!................. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted April 10, 2007 (edited) While all this frivolity over cakes is going on, The Female Inquisitor idley inspects her new acrylic nails to see if her time travel through the sub-atomic level of the universe has chipped her 'Tangerine Dream' nail polish... Phew, not a blemish in sight! She straightens her new chocolate-brown maxi-dress, and wriggles The Lurex Uber Thong in a desperate attempt to get comfortable No such luck... She casts a critical eye over the assembled posse of Superdudes, with a slight squint as her false eye-lashes clog together momentarily 'You there', she drawls, pointing an acrylic talon in the direction of Judge Thredd 'I can see your VPL through your tights!!' JT freezes as The Female Inquisitor strides meaningfully towards him, only slightly hampered by her implausibly high wedges and the chaffing of The Uber Thong... Edited April 10, 2007 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 10, 2007 .............not willing to increase the size of your bonce ......but how do you do it Messr le Bads?? now come on .... anyone would have thought I set that one up for you!"!!..............clever dick!...........damn the spell check!....................I,m sorry and I know I,m gonna get a roasting for sayin it (specially off the Angels).........but GENIUS!................. It's tiredness ... keep me up for three nights on the trot (chance would be a fine thing - oooer missus! Fnar fnar yak yak Whoops there go my bloomers etc etc) and i go a bit.......stwange Apologies all round and TWO sleeping tablets tonight!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 10, 2007 While all this frivolity over cakes is going on, The Female Inquisitor idley inspects her new acrylic nails to see if her time travel through the sub-atomic level of the universe has chipped her 'Tangerine Dream' nail polish... Phew, not a blemish in sight! She straightens her new chocolate-brown maxi-dress, and wriggles The Lurex Uber Thong in a desperate attempt to get comfortable No such luck... She casts a critical eye over the assembled posse of Superdudes, with a slight squint as her false eye-lashes clog together momentarily 'You there', she drawls, pointing an acrylic talon in the direction of Judge Thredd 'I can see your VPL through your tights!!' JT freezes as The Female Inquisitor strides meaningfully towards him, only slightly hampered by her implausibly high wedges and the chaffing of The Uber Thong... You can see my what?? Oh no you can't - they don't call me 'Captain Commando' for nothing (for the uninitiated that was before Judge Thredd but after Baddad and many MANY moons before 'oi bignhead!') Why have you got a chaffinch in your thong? You'll have the NSPCB after you (or a dirty great chaffinch-hawk after a pre pack ready meal!)... Actually, it's traditional... they used to have a linnet on the opening credits of 'going for a thong'... Does Jester wear a thong? Jester thong at twilight... and what about auriel? prize to the first person who can come up with a pun on 'auriel' and 'thong', 'cos it's got me beat... yes, it's got a good beat this auriel thong... god i need to go to bed................. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
something vague Report post Posted April 10, 2007 prize to the first person who can come up with a pun on 'auriel' and 'thong', 'cos it's got me beat... yes, it's got a good beat this auriel thong... god i need to go to bed................. Is that auriel thong or is it just a pretend one??? SV Gosh this cave's a bit chilly..........forget things where d'ya keep the longjohns? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 13, 2007 (edited) 'No! No! NO!!!' screams smiley (someone think me up a superhero name...) 'It's no good , the bog roll is clumping up and leaving woodchip type yukky stuff on the walls .' (Although.......could prove useful in the days after death-by-curry-night ) 'I just can't be creative with out the right tooooooooooooooools ' *Raises hand to forehead in bestest, best dramatic pose* - Overhears - 'Mutter, mutter Ariel... mutter, mutter....Thongs.....' 'Amatures!!!!!' shrieks amiley.... (PMT obviously kicking in good n propa ) 'If i MUST resort to thong rolling i demand the thongs be cleaned - thoroughly cleaned using only D*z, they MUST be whiter than white before my creative juices are able to flow Ariel simply will not dooooooooo! ' (Sorry - best i can do!!!) The Female Inquisitor, hearing smileys cry for help - sashays in, walking gracefully(ish ) towards the now, hyperventilating smiley.. 'My darrrrrrrrrrrling' She purrrrrrrssss 'I will selflessly sacrifice my thong - it's for the decor darrrrrrrrling' JD suddenly appears out of no-where (ok...out of the hob-**** cupboard.. ) 'Did someone mention thongs...?' Suze, hearing the madness noise, wanders over to the now slightly over-exited JD..... And solemly says 'We must submit our CLEAN undies, it's for the good of the Batcave....The atmosphere.......The lighting.......The COUNTRY no less' JD 'Clean you say...........?' Laydeeeesssssss 'YES!!!!' JD 'Unfortunately, due to a slight mix-up at the launderama, i have only these........' *drops trousers (leopard print and skin tight ) to reveal a fetching pair of pink.....fluffy.......embossed with cute little daisys.....HUGE big granny-type knickers* *Stunned silence* JD 'Surprisingly comfortable.........................' Edited April 13, 2007 by smiley Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mummy Report post Posted April 13, 2007 You'd better be sure by Justin Case Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 13, 2007 JD suddenly appears out of no-where (ok...out of the hob-**** cupboard.. ) 'Did someone mention thongs...?' Suze, hearing the madness noise, wanders over to the now slightly over-exited JD..... And solemly says 'We must submit our CLEAN undies, it's for the good of the Batcave....The atmosphere.......The lighting.......The COUNTRY no less' JD 'Clean you say...........?' Laydeeeesssssss 'YES!!!!' JD 'Unfortunately, due to a slight mix-up at the launderama, i have only these........' *drops trousers (leopard print and skin tight ) to reveal a fetching pair of pink.....fluffy.......embossed with cute little daisys.....HUGE big granny-type knickers* *Stunned silence* JD 'Surprisingly comfortable.........................' Gads! Only been gone a couple o' days and all ready there's a Himposter on the loose! JD.... hmmmm .... thinks - Ah yes, I know there was a character with those intitals played by Sylvester Stalone (or was it Sylvest McCoy?) - and he's been trying to steal my thunder ever since I beat him off ( ) in the Last-of-The-Teenage-Idol's- Soundlike-Cliff-a-thon at the Billy Bluntins Bluecoat Bonanza on Eastbourne pier in 1979... he could just carry it off - same bulging muscles, same taut, solid, frame - so long as he kept his gob shut and wore plenty of foundation... But what should I do? If he's stolen my official garb I can't openly challenge him without completely revealing myself (fnar fnar)... I'll have to jump him when he's not expecting it (yak yak) and whip (huffa huffa) the old fella out (herrrrrnnnnnnnnnnn) the back passage (snork snork) when nobody's looking. Mind you, given the popularity of this place lately that's not going to be too difficult is it? Maybe I should just call it a day...? Hang up the old trunks, body suit and thigh length boots...? And get out while the going's goog...? Goog? goog?? see... I can't even tupe propetly anymord Eyes are going, hearings going...get up and go's got up and gone... I just don't seem to have the energy anymore.....think I'll......just lay down...... for a minute........and rest my head.......against....this......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............. ................. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted April 13, 2007 ...................................just then in the deepest parts (tut tut ).......of the batcave a blood curdling scream could be heard..............followed by the sound of 8 inch sequin spangled platform boots thundering at a surprisingly speedy rate(well it is downhill).........down the back passage (ouch!......bet that hurts!!)............ Suze makes her entrance..........."ehm............(clears her throat).......anyone seen my fluffy daisy knickers I like to keep for "FAT DAYS"............." All eyes turn to Judgey thredd as he pulls a wedgey from out his bum and skips to his de-briefing room to de-brief........... Smiley( mab) , Annie(legs) and Bid(boho) and Suze assume the position of disdain(this involves folding arms under bosom and shuffling the said boob region around whilst rolling eyes and tutting)............."he,s been in my knicker drawer again has,nt he!!"........................ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 13, 2007 Suze makes her entrance..........."ehm............(clears her throat).......anyone seen my fluffy daisy knickers I like to keep for "FAT DAYS"............." he,s been in my knicker drawer again has,nt he!!"........................ Hmmm............... Girl, 5ft 2" top whack at last measure... Man, 6ft 6" Rippling muscles/bulging biceps ... Quote Smiley: JD 'Unfortunately, due to a slight mix-up at the launderama, i have only these........' *drops trousers (leopard print and skin tight ) to reveal a fetching pair of pink.....fluffy.......embossed with cute little daisys.....HUGE big granny-type knickers* *Stunned silence* JD 'Surprisingly comfortable.........................' Now just how bad are those 'fat days'????????? No, No Suze... I was jokin' hen - honest injun....... You started it and....and... and..... (can't half run for a big guy!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted April 13, 2007 [/size] Now just how bad are those 'fat days'????????? No, No Suze... I was jokin' hen - honest injun....... You started it and....and... and..... (can't half run for a big guy!) Now Badders dearest................big knickers are essential for those days when you,ve stuffed and over indulged yourself and your belly button feels like its gonna POP!...........and the only thing that will do is something that comes up high over your bulge(I,m sure you can relate to that), belly button warmers in lovely soft jersey............yep great!.......... P.s ............start running big guy .......your gonna suffer! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
