baddad Report post Posted April 14, 2007 and the only thing that will do is something that comes up high over your bulge(I,m sure you can relate to that), If you think I'm gonna talk about the size of my bulge on an open forum you've got another think coming... i'll PM you Q: What's big pink and hairy and sticks out of JT's pyjamas? A: His head!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 14, 2007 Bads! I'm blaming the paint fumes................ Gads! Only been gone a couple o' days and all ready there's a Himposter on the loose! JD.... hmmmm .... thinks - Ah yes, I know there was a character with those intitals played by Sylvester Stalone (or was it Sylvest McCoy?) JD......JT........easy mistake to make....... ....... ish! Mabs' (Most Awesomly Beautiful , Might Attack Butterflies , ??) is obviously is in need of some serious de-briefing......... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 14, 2007 I thought it was for 'Makes Awful Biscuits'...... M grassed you up! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted April 15, 2007 (edited) Mabs' (Most Awesomly Beautiful , Might Attack Butterflies , ??) is obviously is in need of some serious de-briefing......... ....................................Smiley was,nt it you they called Smiley Mab...............or was that another member??.................Iam going back a while ....................................so if I,ve got it wrong perhaps it should be MAB................MOST AWESOME BABE Edited April 15, 2007 by Suze Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted April 15, 2007 (edited) If you think I'm gonna talk about the size of my bulge on an open forum you've got another think coming... i'll PM you still waiting for the pm ................you little tease............ Edited April 15, 2007 by Suze Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 15, 2007 Suze - yup, that was me... I'm loving Most Awesome Babe (Tho this morning (afternoon.... ), it's more like. (too) many alcoholic beverages... (i've decided i'm hopless at drinking! Half a bottle of white - and i'm dying today!! ) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 15, 2007 If you think I'm gonna talk about the size of my bulge on an open forum you've got another think coming... i'll PM you still waiting for the pm ................you little tease............ Still trying to find a big enough Jiffy bag to accommodate it 'Biscuits' - Half a bottle of white and dying? Try wine instead of paintbrush cleaner and you'll find it gets easier Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 15, 2007 Try wine instead of paintbrush cleaner and you'll find it gets easier That'll teach me to not buy whatevers on offer.......... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 15, 2007 That'll teach me to not buy whatevers on offer.......... Yes, I heard you thought 'Tine' was a mixer, as in... Gin 'n' tonic Whisky 'n' soda Turp 'n' tine Me, I'm partial to a Harvey Ceilingbanger - it's like a Harvey Wallbanger, but it gets you higher... Mind you, I went out the other night and drank three pints of yoghurt - I was mullered, I can tell you... A slow comfortable what against the what?? Can I finish my drink first? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted April 15, 2007 I have a postcard above my comp..... sent to me by a friend who's busy traveling the world ( so not fair!!!!). It reads......... "After Alf asked Mary if she fancied a 'slow sr*w up against a wall', she replied, only if you fancy 'a good kick in the bo****ks. Strangely, Alf couldn't remember ever hearing of a cocktail called that before......................." More partial to the beach one me'self.......... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 15, 2007 she replied, only if you fancy 'a good kick in the bo****ks. Strangely, Alf couldn't remember ever hearing of a cocktail called that before......................." I've had a few of them to round off a night out... they're nothing to write home about Ahhhhhh, and I used to think I was sophisticated with a tequila sunrise for the last drinky poo before the slowies... chicken in a basket and '3 times a lady' for the snogathon... 'Ya gonna dance, dahlin?' 'No' 'Bu**er! ...I was hopin' to nick yer chair' (Many MANY variations on that last - my favourite: 'oh, good... reverse psychology, love, start with the ugly one and work your way up!' Sadly, there were very VERY FEW variations on the middle line!) L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted April 18, 2007 Good grief... You can almost smell the Brut...hear the rustle of crimplene high waisted flares...feel the breeze from the wing collar!! The Female Inquisitor Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 18, 2007 Can almost smell the brute? That's a bit harsh, isn't it? I'll have you know I bath once a month whether I need it or not! DISCO BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY - Run into the toilet and you comb your hairrrryaaayaaa DISCO BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY - Pucker your lips, and check your shoulders 'cos some dandruff might be hidin' thereyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa DISCO BOY do the bump every night Need a DISCO GIRL to treat you right Do it all night Leave his hair alone but you can kiss his comb..... DISCO chit-chat so demure Bump that booty all across the floor The DISCO king Of the DISCO thing You'll never............................... (You can take over from there if you like, Mossgrove! ) Or if your more of an old punk a-wallah 'Another Saturday night beneath the plastic palm trees'... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted April 18, 2007 (edited) (falsetto...) Well you can tell by the way Judgey struts his stuff He's a woman's man, laikes a bit of fluff Aah, aah, aah, aahhhhh Staying alive Staying alive!! The Female Inquisitor Edited April 18, 2007 by bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 18, 2007 (falsetto...) Well you can tell by the way Judgey struts his stuff He's a woman's man, laikes a bit of fluff Aah, aah, aah, aahhhhh Staying alive Staying alive!! The Female Inquisitor Don't give up the day job!! That voice seems more suited to Folk ("Hey ninny nonny no/A fol-da rol da-rol da-ro/apples be red and nuts be brown/petticoats up and trousers down/Chiminee-chiminee-chim-cheroo/Now that's mary poppins - och aye the noo/I wipe my nose on my cuff tonight/and that's why I'm singing of greensleeves etc etc) than the bee gees...strange folk, those bee gees... These days its: Well you can tell by the way I use my fork I'm a curry man - no time to talk Gimme Lamb dhansak and a lager please A keema nan and some spiced chick peas But it's alright yeah it's ok I've credit cards So I can pay Collecting it? You're jokin' eh? Deliver it- And pronto, hey? Bring me a curry and for heaven's sake hurry 'Cos i'm cravin' some chives, cravin' some chives A chicken passanda with extra coriandar 'cos I'm cravin' some chives, cravin' some chives Ha ha ha ha etc etc etc... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted April 20, 2007 As the Angels held an emergency meeting in the bat cupboard , Saturday Night fever continued to take a hold on The Female Inquisitor and Judgey Will the Angels be able to bring the dynamic duo back to the 21st century before they get to the 'more than a woman' song..........the thought of Judgey singing that one is scarey Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 20, 2007 the 'more than a woman' song..........the thought of Judgey singing that one is scarey The Friday night version is: Tandoori oven Tandoori oven for me-e-e-e- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
annie Report post Posted April 20, 2007 The Friday night version is: Tandoori oven Tandoori oven for me-e-e-e- followed by Dutch oven ...............what is the Saturday morning version? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted April 20, 2007 Johnny Cash - ring of fire...... obviously! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyProudfoot Report post Posted April 27, 2007 :lol: Good grief it's gotten very noisy in here all of a sudden - it's enough to waken hibernating fairies. Didn't you know we don't wake up till springtime ....now where in h**lls me lycra boots - or are we into platforms now? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted May 2, 2007 ....now where in h**lls me lycra boots - or are we into platforms now? 'Well personally I prefer lemon jellies' said Suze, squinting down over her heaving oomalaatas to admire her own dainty feet. 'What to eat, or listen to?' asked JT, 'Personally I'd rather eat curry and listen to I Monster or something like that - the last LJ album really wasn't up to par'... 'No, no no - Lemon JELLIES... they're like a plastic sandal only posher and very much more expensive' 'A shoe? lemon jellies? Sound more like a packet of sweets! Who makes them, Jimmy Chews?' thought Suze (and tonights prize for most enterprising use of an emoticon goes to...), You've gotta or you'd (heeheehee ). 'Talking of shoes' said JT, has anyone seen my lightning flash glitter-band platforms? I'm supposed to be going to a fancy-dress tonight and I can't find them anywhere' 'Ooooooooh,' squeaked the gals, a fancy dress? Who you going as?' 'Well it's a 'Slade' evening, so I'm going as Noddy Holder' 'Oooer,' said Legs - with your overbite I thought you'd have gone as Dave Hi...........' There was an embarrassed silence, swiftly followed by an embarrassing noise 'Whoops', said Tatters - 'beans for tea...' 'So' said TFI, 'A Slade evening? Come on gals, lets help him get togged out' and with that they dragged JT toward the dressing up cupboard... 'There you go', said Suze, 'Tartan Loons and a pair of red braces'.... 'Lightning boots - safe and sound - and your disco mirror top-hat ' said legs... 'Drape jacket and assorted badges' said TFI, 'almost there now'...... 'White Ben Sherman with extra large button down collar' said Tatters...... 'And the finishing touch', said Suze, 'ultra shiney, black-and-white spotted kipper tie' 'Ultra shiney, black and white spotted what?' asked JT. 'Kipper Tie' said Suze 'Oh - yes please; white no sugar....... I thought you'd never ask......' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted May 3, 2007 oh you cheeky monkey Suze cried.......takin the mickey outta me northern drawl like that.Anyway it,s more like nicely chilled blush italian rose with a hint of fizz for me ......and an obligatory side order of salted cashews and twiglets. Anyway back to ya partyin ........make sure you have clean pants and a good swill with dentyne oral hygiene wash freshen you up a bit.It,s been a while since you partied.............. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted August 10, 2007 Flora in LaLa Land It was an idyllic morning time in LaLa Land . Laying in her four poster bed, surrounded by Laura Ashley au de nil curtains, slumbering in the depths of her sumptuous squishy mattress and snuggled comfortably in her soft cotton duvet, Flora was devouring the sleep of angels. Her long curly eye lashes fanned out on her cheeks, flushed by sleep, she began to stir. Waking to the sound of bird song and the clink of the gate as the post man approached , she felt refreshed and oh so alive . She yawned and stretched, got out of bed, waded through the white pure wool ###### pile carpet and put on her pale pink silk kimono and sparkling pink sequined flip-flops . Padding down stairs she retrieved the post and sat down to the breakfast her Brad Pitt lookalike butler had lovingly prepared for her. Taking a deep sip of her tall skinny latte with an extra shot , she took up the silver letter opener and prized open the biggest envelope. Smiling fondly she read the letter from her new best friend Mrs Leah O Fisser. Dear Flozza Thank you for your instructions regarding the draft statement, I had so much fun at our meeting discussing your requests. Please find enclosed, printed on pink paper as requested, the finalised statement for Billy Bob. As you will see, I have made all the amendments you requested, including the need for a month at Champneys every year for Billy Bob?s mum (ie you). I can also confirm that I have booked dinner in the Ivy for us both to celebrate the work we have done together. I hope this is to your satisfaction and can?t wait to hear from you again. Loads of love Your very good friend Leah O Fisser Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 11, 2007 Ever had one of those days??? Then buy a yoghurt that makes you fart! Wrinkled A Zone??? Tauten it with some expensive cream. Tautening's like tightening, only different (???) BTW, the A Zone isn't what you would think... it's on your FACE, apparently! Not all advertising is rubbish: nana's knitting breakfast cereal is a brilliant concept! I really must stop watching ITV. Blame Hell's Kitchen! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted September 12, 2007 Riiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhht! Stay clear of the dodgy guinness mr b Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Suze Report post Posted September 13, 2007 You know I always thought the T-zone was the one on your face .........or did I miss a joke there?? We are really lovin the new gorilla advert for the bestest chocolate in the world...it,s the one with the drum kit...........it totally makes my day .........does,nt take much!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 13, 2007 You know I always thought the T-zone was the one on your face .........or did I miss a joke there?? We are really lovin the new gorilla advert for the bestest chocolate in the world...it,s the one with the drum kit...........it totally makes my day .........does,nt take much!! I have no idea! I just saw an advert about wrinkle cream designed to terrify women into buying some overpriced unction to defend the (highly-wrinkle susceptible) 'A' Zone... I thought the T zone was that time around 3.00 in the arvo when all you want to do is put your feet up and have a kip but life's pressure/kids coming home/work robbed you of the opportunity so you just had a nice cuppa instead! or is that the all you want to do is put your feet up and have a kip but life's pressure/kids coming home/work robbed you of the opportunity so you just had a nice cuppa instead Zone? Then there's the 'O Zone'... that's the one where someone says 'You've got another wrinkle' and you say 'Oh - That's ******* marvelous!'... Then there's the P - Zone... In ben's book, that's an area within a three foot radius of the toilet when he gets up in the night Then there's the G Zone - a nice spot if you can find it (In the Garden! ) Then there's the Proto Zone - that's where cowards hang out Then there's the Sousaphone Zone, which is where small bouncy people make telephone calls from Haven't seen the gorilla one yet... Gorilla playing the drums? Sounds like Ringo! L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 14, 2007 Oh ... then there's the drop zone... which is where ben's dinner lands when he's eating off a tray on his lap, and the danger zone which he enters when he drops the whole tray on his way to eating off his lap! And the twilight zone which goes 'dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee'... L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted September 14, 2007 And the twilight zone which goes 'dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee'... ive lived very happily in the twilight zone for many years bighead theres room for one more of you ask me very nicely Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted September 15, 2007 ive lived very happily in the twilight zone for many years bighead theres room for one more of you ask me very nicely Careful Hev then you'll be entering the 'Fart Zone'. Sounds like Baddad's favourite Cologne. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted September 15, 2007 baddad not answered me fran,he dont wanna come into my twilight zone come on bighead,you know you want to really Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Frangipani Report post Posted September 17, 2007 Careful Hev then you'll be entering the 'Fart Zone'. Sounds like Baddad's favourite Cologne. Sorry BD that was supposed to be a joke - that was a bit crass - but somehow that word f.. appears in your conversations IYKWIM Sorry <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 17, 2007 Oer missus - I seem to have been mistaken for someone with a degree of sensitivity! Not offended (even slightly), just very busy! Of course, that said though I NEVER 'blow orff' - far too Port Out Starboard Home for that and if i did it would undoubtedly seem like an air-freshener of the highest quality had been released into the room Suze - now seen drumming Gorilla - a huge improvement over the original L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 18, 2007 Think once, think twice, think idiot...... After a trip into town today I returned home and as I swung round in a layby JUST noticed on second glance a motorcyclist approaching... Green/grey bike, dark trousers and helmet and a CAMOFLAUGE JACKET... ho hum... Also today, I bowed to paranoia and purchased a shredder machine for dealing with old bank statements etc... What really swung it for me was the 'reverse' switch feature: who'd a thunk it?! Anyways, i got sooooo excited at the prospect of watching shredded material reassemble itself and the possible time travel implications I rushed home and plugged it in. I scrabbled through my pockets for the first bit of paper i could find - a twenty pound note - hastily shredded it and with a smug grin hit the 'reverse' button... IT DIDN'T WORK!!!! I'm sure i'll get it working properly eventually, but so far after three attempts I'm �60.00 down and feeling a little bit peed orf to say the least! Also today... spent whole morning (in between just noticing camoflauged bikers and buying shredding machines) hunting for 'victorian' clothing for a one day trip to the museum organised by the school... So far it has cost: �12.50 (for school trip) � 6.00 (white shirt with collar... none available in any school uniform sales as they all wear polo shirts these days)... � 2.00 (waistcoat from second hand shop) � 4.00 (a knitted cap from a laydees accessories shop - nearest thing I could find to a 'lawks a mercy guvnor, that's a real nice titfer you've got there' original) Now maybe I'm just being churlish, but by my maths that's �45.00 (never was very good at maths ) for a ONE DAY school event, and that doesn't include the packed lunch... I've looked through Mrs Beeton's (the only victorian recipe book I've got) and reckon the wicker picnic hamper with bone china dinner service, potted shrimp, game pie, junket, strawberries and clotted cream and pink champagne are gonna set me back at least twice that on top! Pah! In my day a 'school trip' meant a walk to the local duck pond while the teaching staff set up the open day, and a 'packed lunch' meant a jam sandwich on a good day or bread and pullit if it was the end of the week.... ahhh, those were the days L&P BD Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kathryn Report post Posted September 18, 2007 Also today, I bowed to paranoia and purchased a shredder machine for dealing with old bank statements etc... What really swung it for me was the 'reverse' switch feature: who'd a thunk it?! Anyways, i got sooooo excited at the prospect of watching shredded material reassemble itself and the possible time travel implications I rushed home and plugged it in. I scrabbled through my pockets for the first bit of paper i could find - a twenty pound note - hastily shredded it and with a smug grin hit the 'reverse' button... IT DIDN'T WORK!!!! I'm sure i'll get it working properly eventually, but so far after three attempts I'm �60.00 down and feeling a little bit peed orf to say the least! Ah but you should have bought the newer, more expensive model, BD. Would you believe, that one actually makes new �20 notes from old LEA correspondence - shredded Statutory assessment rejection letters, Notes in Lieu and tribunal papers etc.. etc...Amazing. I should soon have enough for my holiday in Majorca. Also today... spent whole morning (in between just noticing camoflauged bikers and buying shredding machines) hunting for 'victorian' clothing for a one day trip to the museum organised by the school... So far it has cost: �12.50 (for school trip) � 6.00 (white shirt with collar... none available in any school uniform sales as they all wear polo shirts these days)... � 2.00 (waistcoat from second hand shop) � 4.00 (a knitted cap from a laydees accessories shop - nearest thing I could find to a 'lawks a mercy guvnor, that's a real nice titfer you've got there' original) Now maybe I'm just being churlish, but by my maths that's �45.00 (never was very good at maths ) for a ONE DAY school event, and that doesn't include the packed lunch... I've looked through Mrs Beeton's (the only victorian recipe book I've got) and reckon the wicker picnic hamper with bone china dinner service, potted shrimp, game pie, junket, strawberries and clotted cream and pink champagne are gonna set me back at least twice that on top! Pah! In my day a 'school trip' meant a walk to the local duck pond while the teaching staff set up the open day, and a 'packed lunch' meant a jam sandwich on a good day or bread and pullit if it was the end of the week.... ahhh, those were the days Once again, take a leaf out of my book. Collar a parent whose child went on the same trip last year and borrow their costume. If you can locate the one who made the entire outfit from scratch with careful attention to period detail, so much the better! K x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted September 19, 2007 baddad, have you de-shredded the 20 yet??? hmmm expensive school events. My dd is doing Food Tech for GCSE (I remember when it was called Cookery!!! and then got upgraded to Home economics). Anyway.... so far she's made shepherds pie... delicious, but this week she made vegetable lasagne and what a piece of work and expense that turned out to be. Popped into Sainway's yesterday, asked Bill if he wanted to stay in car 'cos I'd only be 5 mins getting dd's ingredients.... well...45 mins and �16.50 later!!! What an effort. Had to find vegetarian cheese, obviously not may vegies round here...couldn't find it in fridges so went up to deli counter and asked for some 'wah' said the spotty youth behind the counter, I said 'Veg.eter.ian. cheese'... he said 'well all cheese is vegetraian innit'? Found some eventually it was a fortune! As were all the other weird ingredients. She's brought it home tonight and it smells disgusting (soya mince ) So I spent nearly and hour shopping for, and paid �16.50 for a meal that the dogs won't even eat!!!!! She should've done Latin! (on second thoughts she would have probably wanted to go on atrip to Rome!!) Flozza Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hev Report post Posted September 19, 2007 flozza bring the vegetable lasagne to the party,i will eat anything when im peed out my head dont want it going to waste now mumbles bringing the chocolate pudding for dessert and pearls bringing jaffa cakes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
baddad Report post Posted September 19, 2007 Ah but you should have bought the newer, more expensive model, BD. Would you believe, that one actually makes new �20 notes from old LEA correspondence - shredded Statutory assessment rejection letters, Notes in Lieu and tribunal papers etc.. etc...Amazing. I should soon have enough for my holiday in Majorca. K x Ah - I wonder if they'll ever come up with one that shreds old LEA paperwork and when run in reverse produces a document actually worth the paper it's printed on??? That really would be amazing! We live in hope... Flozza - Vegetarian cheese??? You should have had quite a few options... If you meant Vegan cheese (completely non-dairy) you can usually find 'cheezely' cheddar style next to the ultra low fat cheeses in the big 2 soopamarkets... There's also a DF parmesan style in a sprinkle pot in the FF section... Some health food shops have a wider selection, but it's a bit hit and miss... Soya mince (just soya dumplings? well you shorrant be looking, cookie boy - Benny Hill, c1976 how VERY un PC!) - she should have just ditched the mince completely and gone for mushrooms/courgettes etc: cheaper and no soya beans had to die in the process What' that hev? you'll eat anything when you're peed?? Shocking! Even veal and Fois Gras??? Jaffa cakes? does anyone remember the mad jaffa-cake eater? that's hev, that is! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted September 19, 2007 Nooooo, I think you will find that the mad jaffa cake eater is me, bd Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted September 19, 2007 Flozza - Vegetarian cheese??? You should have had quite a few options... All right mr vegie expert.... next time I'll send you the list and you can get it for her!!!! Flozza X Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
