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The Batcave

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Oh My!!! So this is what you get upto in here???

And I thought I was crackers, :lol:

 

Batcave = 99 % fruit content (may contain traces of nuts)

 

 

:devil: Libs, Alfred can you show me the way out now??? :bat:

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waassssupppp - eerrhhh - hacking cough?

 

ASM was lying asleep under the mountains of hobknob wrappers, recovering from recent specail offers from Odd-Bins, all that monk-brewed medicinal buckie, is very strong, no wonder they spend so much time meditating and the self-imposed vow of silence is because after half a bottle one definitely looses the power of coherent speech anyway! - as for the vow of chastity, even viagara could not counter the effects of half a bottle of buckfast! - ever heard of brewers droop - opps, sorry moderated site, am slipping unconsciously toward the mucky side here!

 

ASM pulls herself up slowly, head pounding, a few billion brain cells have bitten the dust! She surveys the scene in the Batcave......

 

CC is wearing yellow marigolds and a pinny and is busy collecting wrappers and sodden Vision Express leaflets from the floor of the batcave, ahhhh - she exclaims, I found it .... holding up her light sabre and pleased glint in her eye!

 

In the space on the Batcave floor (cleared by the efforts of the houseproud Caped Confuser) the Jester is practising his "come dancing moves". He is in is civvie clothes, his unironed Man from C&A shirt is undone down to his naval (his homemade Jester medicial brew has not been kind, his six pack has sagged down and is now hanging like a deflated balloon, over his brown immitation snake skin belt). A medalion is gleaming in the few strands of what I think are chest hairs? Perhaps it is the pelts of those poor unfortunate bunnies, put to good use, trying to intice the elusive Uberthong who has been tempted by Best Mate Man???? Does his desparation know no bounds.

 

He scatters talcum powder on the floor of the Batcave, in order for his Hush Puppies to glide over the floor, making his moves even smoother!

 

How can inquisitor woman fail to be impressed with this specatacle of graceful, sexy moving manhood that is The Jester

 

How low can you go, he sasheys a smooth move and tries to gracefully lower himself to the floor, bending his knees (cue sound of pistol shots!) ouch winces ASM.

 

Poor Jester, at least he is trying ....

Edited by CarolJ

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Blue-Rinse Woman staggers into the Cave after a hard night of carpet bowls. Unfortunately the beans & lentil casserole had done her digestive system no favours and the menfolk had gasped for fresh air each time she bent down to take her turn with the bowls. :wub: The ever-polite Stanley (her new beau) had compared the effect to that of a roomful of vegetarians in a yoga class. :oops:

 

In her left hand BRW clutches a leaflet from Specsavers. She has just 17 hours to beautify herself before her eye-test. :crying:

 

Will BRW be ready in time? ;)

 

Will her newly-improved vision affect her love of Hush-Puppies, tweed jackets and shiny leather elbow patches?

:devil:

 

Oh the suspense.......... :pray:

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The Caped Confuser wearily deposits the last spent AA in a bulging binbag. She unties her apron, and peels off her dusty Marigolds. She flops into an armchair, narrowly missing impaling herself on BRW's mislaid knitting bag which she flings tiredly onto the sofa. CC surveys the now gleaming Bat-Cave with sleepy satisfaction. As long as no-one opens the airing cupboard door, all will be well....

She smiles, as she hears the faint noises of BRW in the Bat-Loo, meticulously pampering and primping her way towards her appointment with the rather dishy geriatric optometrist at Specsavers.

'Honestly,' she thought inwardly, 'the benefits of Bat-Sonar are endless.....or should that be startless?'she mused.....

As she pondered further, she examined her fingers, which had went all pruney from the unfamiliar donning of cleaning-garb.

Her vacant gaze suddenly fell upon a rather fresh looking, hastily scribbled list that lay upon the coffee table.....she scanned it lazily and paled in shock!!

CC uttered an oath and sprang, snake-like (beat that, Ban-Man!) to her feet in outraged horror!!!!!! :o

The list was headed

"El Jestro and El Inquisitandra Feminina's Meditteranean Night!" :dance:

It comprised details of his plan for a morale-boosting night of festivity in the Bat-Cave, which was fine and dandy, but CC was overcome by knee-wobbling dread as she read Jester's 'Notes to Self' on practice dance schedules....

Slowly, slowly, she pivoted round, eyes tearing up in dismay as she beheld the events that had occurred when she was cleaning so intently in the Bat-Garage.(The Thomasmobile had been in a sad state!)

Her fellow superfolk were tripping the light fantastic, but to aid their progress, they had coated her lovely clean floor in a thick layer of Talc!! :crying:

"Hola, senorita!" called Jester, mid-twirl and half drowned by an enormous yet jaunty sombrero.

"Hasta la Dance-a!" chirped ASM, lost in the folds of a truly horrendous poncho....

"Yeah, come on in, the talcum's fine!" trilled Uberthong, tottering dangerously on sequinned espadrilles....

CC grew red, and seemed to swell with rage and indignation. All that hard work!! :angry: Ruined! The dancers stopped, and held their breath, then CC deflated and laughed as she grabbed her maracas....( :shame: ASM! No SM Side now!)

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" cooed CC, as went off to lead them all in a rousing round of 'The Mexican Hat Dance'.

"ARRIBA, COMPADRES!! :ninja:

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she grabbed her maracas....(� ASM! No SM Side now!)
what moi????

 

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" cooed CC, as went off to lead them all in a rousing round of 'The Mexican Hat Dance'...."ARRIBA, COMPADRES!!�

 

Suddenly loss of brain cells and hangover forgotten ASM bursts into life Andre Andre arriba, arriba trills ASM (remembing childhood memories of Speedy Gonazles cartoon mouse]! - she salsas as sexily as her costume will allow - over to the bat table and starts to line up the Tequla Slammers and lemon slices and salt ...

 

errrh - sip, lick suck ... erhhh, oh forget it, ASM reasons if she goes fast enough what does it matter what order it is done in .....

 

As she partakes of the warming mexican brew, a warm glow envelopes her, she looks fondly at her fellow cavorting superheros/heroines, tapping her foot in time with the latin beat - well I never .... - I've never seen anyone do that with marracas before ..... CC twirls, shaking with a happy smile on her face ....

 

The Jester, looking rather redfaced and sweaty from the effort of his cavorting, his medallion stuck to his perspiring chest, is being spun round by the lovely Uberthong, who is utlising full elastic capacity of said thong to twirl the exhausted looking Jester even faster, the sound of twanging can be heard admist the rythm of the beat .....

 

Door of the batloo is flung open .... dun dun ol-lay, dun daaaaaa (with a latin twist)!

 

She has just 17 hours to beautify herself before her eye-test.� ...Will BRW be ready in time?

 

A blue haloed vision of womanly perfection emerges from the steam and other general emissions of the chemical filled Batloo (please no naked flames!) - BRW sasheyed (suprispingly well) with the aid of her zimmer frame - BRW is suggestively lifting the hem of her lace bloomers, revealing impressive varicous veins, mmmmmmmm, if only Stanley (lastest beau) were here ... BRW smiles at the red faced Jester flashing him a freshly polished "ting" of the now sparkling dentures, she winks a heavily made-up blue eyeshadowed lid in his direction and pursing her bright red lips with exaggerated cupid's bow (in style of Hilda Odgen of corrie street - going back some years okay - who remembers the three flying ducks!), causing The Jester to become weak at the knees ... this femme fatale is a force to be reckoned with!

 

ASM meanwhile hums the last part of D-12, "my salsa, I'm the lead singer of the band . la la la .... take off my underopants .... la la la la my salshua ....., opps one two many tequillas, hiccup still, one more wont hurt ...

 

ASM staggers over to the "talc covered dance floor" and starts to gyrate, amazing the onlookers with the way in all that spandex and lycra that things wobble as well as sway, like a huge dancing blamange or cold school custard (yummmmy).

 

She twirls round narrowly missing the cavorting, redfaced spinning Jester, trips over the sombrero, knocks CC's marracas out of her hands mid shake and and crashes head-first towards the open door of the batloo, the momentum takes her she is helpless to stop, she disappears and the automatic sequence of the batloo begins (like the stainless steel auto-loos), the floor starts to rise and ASM's head is stuck down the toilet bowl, after the recent ablutions of BRW, panic sets in ASM's life flashes before her eyes. ...

 

will our trusty superhero ever see the light of day again, will she survive this latest cliffhanger, indeed will the rest of the motley crew even realise that she is in mortal danger ....

 

Can anyone actually tell me what does happen in those stainless steel cyber-loos when the door closes and its says (No Entry) you can hear all sorts of things happening (water running and things going on) ... please I need to know - it could mean life or death to poor ASM ....

Edited by CarolJ

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The floor flips over, contents empty into.....a wee chemical waste thing, I guess, and the whole lot is spryed/sanitised.....

At least, that's what I've heard!

:bat:

..........................

The gang are oblivious to ASM's watery cries for assistance!! Her damp stillettos are beating a tattoo, morse code stylee but seemingly to no avail-CC turned the Bat-Sonar down to relax!!!!!! She has a maraca lodged firmly up her left nostril and the floor of the Bat-Loo is tipping gently, with ominous creaking accompaniment!!!!! :o

Things are looking sticky for poor ASM! :blink:

Will she be caught, mid-flip, and need the fire department to cut her free?? B)

Will ASM be able to breathe through the noxious fumes BRW left in her wake?? :ph34r:

Will her head be dissolved by BRW strength chemicals???? :hypno:

(we can only hope......for her rescue, of course!! ;) )

 

The suspense is killing us!!!!!! :huh:

:bat:

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Poor ASM,

 

Head wedged firmly down the stainless steel bowl thingy, the only thing stopping her from disappearing round the u-bend completely is those bat ears, which are under imense pressure and ASM's mighty wide bodacious hips are all that is stopping her from slipping further into the unknown oblivion - ASM struggles to breath, mouth full of chemical and BRW's second hand ablutions (things that shall remain hereinafter unmentioned for the sake of the more nervous reader), muffled cries and choking - ASM can feel the hair on her head and her eyebrows dissolving in the strong chemicals, this is worst than the foul stench of General bloke-from-County-Hall-whose-function-is-not-entirely-clear Twit's strap rotting green halitosis!

 

ASM can feel her head being squeezed into an impossible shape, as the mechanical suction intensifies!

 

The floor of the chemi-karsie is under immense pressure, the mechanical groan and creaking of the inner working thingy's cannot quite flip up the mighty weight of our superhero, who desparately clutches the crotched dolly loo roll holder, trying to throw it at the emergency stop button - opps - missed, ASM desparately reaches for matching dolly loo brush holder and throws this in general direction of "Emergnency stop" button, it bounces off button.

 

"Damn fiendish Ace Rimmer's left nostril" ASM curses to herslef, that Ban Man has tampered with the life saving device ... ASM continues tapping S.O.S with stilletos on chemi-karsie door but to no avail......

 

The superchums continue to cavort obvious to the drama that is being played out no more than 15 feet away from them......

 

Her only hope is that one of her fellow superheros will heed the call of nature and put a 20p piece in the batloo auto-bog and release ASM from her chemical/watery doom....

 

heeellllppppp, gluurgg, swallow, errrhhh eeeek!......ASM begins to loose consciouness ....

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Carramba! Cuccaracha! CodeofPractice-a! Superchums

 

This mexican dancing is proving disasterous. The rhythmic twanging heard whilst The Jester :) was being swung around by the Uberthong (sounds painful) was NOT, in fact, said lurex undergarment but, in fact, his persistent knee problem.

 

Let BRW think she is driving me weak at the knees ... madam, I was weak at the knees when you were still admiring your first bus pass. :blink:

 

Too late The Jester :) realises the full horror of a 'Salsa Night' in the Batcave...the collective digestive disorders of the assembled superdudes combined with Refried Beans, Tacos, Tabasco, Tortillas and Chilli plus a liberal dosage of Tequila, Mescal and Marguaritas.

 

The Jester :) has vague recollections of his stag night. Tequila is the main reason they are (mercifully) vague. :unsure:

 

His head is reeling from the intoxicating mix of Mambo rhythms, potent south american 'medicinals' and his re-union with The Female Inquisitor :wacko: It is, perhaps, understandable that he mistakes BRW's "Carmen Miranda" hat for a display of cooling citrus fruit and sinks his teeth into an appealing pomegranate.

 

WAX :oops::crying:

 

Retching dangerously he heads for the Batloo but NO :wallbash: it is blocked by the Junoesque form of "El Madre del Autistico Spectrando" :bat: amidst muffled cries. The churnings of his stomach are not long to be denied :ninja: so The Jester :) leaps to her aid! With a single mighty heave (of his arms, obviously, not his stomach) he detaches her head from the BatPan and hurls her back into the room.

 

OLE

 

Oh ....

 

The Batloo chooses this moment to enter "Auto Self Cleaning Mode". The others can only look on in horror as the doors close and they hear (with enhanced superpowers) jets of superheated water begin to sluice the unfortunate Jester :) from head to toe. This goes on entirely too long before dying out to a hissing of steam, a slight whimpering and a strange ripping sound.

 

The doors open :blink:

 

El Jestro is no more! At first the superchums think it is Ban-Man :shame: but NO! The superheated wash and brush up has merely (and painfully) shrunk El Jestro's costume so that his High-Waisted Bolero Trousers now seem little more than skimpy cycling shorts and the "silk" (ok Nylonette effect) slashed shirt {with added gut gusset} has all but disintegrated.

 

He winces ... back to front thongs have NOTHING on this! :tearful: "I'm going outside now" he squeaks, tottering towards the door, "I may be some time..."

 

Jester :)

Edited by Jester

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and sinks his teeth into an appealing pomegranate.

 

Looking past the typing error, why would he peel a pomegranate? I just cut mine in half and eat the seeds with a pin!

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Sodden shorts dripping chlorinated water down his unfeasibly skinny, thrashing legs, Captain Commando pedalled furiously through the battering storm. Swerving hither and yon to evade the crashing knives (?) and forks of lightning that threatened to consume him (ahhh, I see?), he battled to keep control of �matron�, his trusty velocipede. �Curse this cheap thesaurus,� he thought, as he threw it over his shoulder into the following wind, �and curse those curried beans�?

Manfully he laboured onward. �Oid be a bit more conservative in moi efforts if I be you,� offered a wizened passer boi, �or we?ll never make it to the top�.

�Ahhh, the politics of cycling�, thought Captain Commando, remembering those heady days of the early eighties when Wang Chung enjoyed their brief moment of fame, �Or was that ?dancing?? ? No; definitely ?Wang Chung??� He amused himself by humming a few bars, then spat his teeth into the wind?they were iron bars [groan, apologies all round, I?m new to this you know! Unfortunately the jokes aren?t?]. Eventually he reached the top, and paused briefly to survey the lay of the land, which, even allowing for the incline he?d just climbed, inclined toward the horizontal.

�Git orf ?n? milk it�, opined a second passer-by, who by lucky chance possessed a completely different accent to the first, thus minimising opportunities for reader confusion, though raising several questions regarding geographical accuracy. Ahhh, that phrase, what heady memories it conjured up; of happier times in childhood at St Bernard?s, as one after another the children had scrambled up onto the spindly frame to take their turn on matron.

Crack! The lightning cracked. Thunder! The lightning thundered. �Damn,� thought Captain Commando, �I wish I?d hung on to that thesaurus�?

From his new vantage point Captain Commando looked out across the rolling-but-mainly-horizontal downs toward the town. �Damn, I?ll never make it before my legs seize up�. He scanned the area for some potential shelter, then breathed a sigh of relief as he spotted a small opening at the bottom of a hillock. He freewheeled his two-wheeler onward, pausing only briefly to wring the moisture from his dangling saddlebags (F?nar, F?nar! Yak, Yak!).

Within minutes he had arrived at the corneous fissure. �What providence,� he cried aloud, �to chance in such inhospitable and inclement conditions not only upon a place of refuge but also a discarded tome of lexicographic reference�

�Oh for sure, sir� came a lilting Irish brogue, �That thesaurus in your hand be moine. T?was left to me by me dear mother, god rest her soul, who struggled all her loife and was buried in a pauper?s grave to ensure that oi would never be at a loss for a winning phrase�.

Captain Commando jumped at the unexpected response, then turned to gaze upon the bewitching creature emerging from the undergrowth.

�Oh please sir� she implored, �Three days I?ve been trapped here, with nary a morsel passing my lips.

�I?d try the Atkins if I was you,� Captain Commando replied, �You can eat as much as you want, you know. I?ve been on it for 6 months and I?ve only put on three stone?�

�No, No koind Sir, you misunderstand. It?s that I have no food, sir, that oi haven?t eaten? I don?t suppose you?d happen to have any tasty comestibles about your person?�

�Well I?ve got this finger of fudge ?�

�Oh, bad luck, sir�

�My own fault? I?ll never buy paper from the pound shop again ? but I digress? I have here in my pocket a finger of fudge I?d purchased earlier for my son, but your need seems greater than his.�

�Thank you kindly for the offer sir, but alas I am following the gf/df diet; your chocolate?s no good to me�

�Really, what a coincidence, so?s my son? I buy such things for him to look at occasionally. Well the only other thing I?ve got?s this cheese and salad sandwich. It?s a bit damp from my bummel bag [seat bag on a bicycle ? see Bogeyman, Fungus, the], but you?re welcome to the tomato and lettuce.�

As they sat eating he admired her comely form; beautiful, no doubt, but in an earthy sort of way ? you know, long black hair and fingernails to match.

�So tell me, pretty miss� he ventured, �What is your name?�

�It?s Margherita sir, after me dear old Italian grandmother.�

�I see. Well that?s rather a mouthful, isn?t it? Do you mind if I call you Rita?�

�Oh sir, you are too bold by far. I?m but a simple girl from the bogs, not used to your sophisticated ways?I need to be wooed�

�Well you can be as wooed as you like with me, love� he leered, in a manner reminiscent of Kenneth Williams making advances toward Hattie Jacques in ?Carry on Matron?.

�Oh, sir, you are a caution? and with jokes like that you?re lucky to get away with just a caution�?

They fell silent, suddenly aware of the depths of their predicament; huddled in a shallow crevice almost half a mile from the nearest major city, with naught but a bicycle and a soggy sandwich between them. �Oh what are we to do?� she cried, �I am undone�.

He looked, of course, but it was just a figure of speech?

�Don?t worry� he offered, I?m sure it?s not as grim as it seems? Look, this crack we?re huddled in seems to go a long way back. I?ll crawl further in ? I might find some dry stuffs we can use to start a signal fire?� and with that he was away.

Darkness engulfed him, but steadfastly he continued onward, ever deeper into the gaping void. He stepped forward gingerly, and his feet found? Nothing.

He tumbled forward, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over through space, finally landing in a steaming heap on the cold hard ground. �Just my luck� he thought as he slipped into unconsciousness, �If there?s a steaming heap to be found, I?m the bloke to find it?�

 

Hours passed- nothing but darkness and Captain Commando?s shallow breathing to mark the passage of time. Finally he awoke, dazed, but otherwise unharmed. Strange smells assaulted his senses; Lettuce, cucumber, tomato... Salad daze?

He realised he was in some vast, underground cavern; could hear the gentle trickle of water as it ran down the cold walls surrounding him, and the echo of that water implying the vastness of his underground tomb.

But then, a glimmer of light, flickering in the depths, growing, growing, moving steadily forward - and the sound of footfalls on unforgiving rock.

There emerged from the darkness a shadowy figure, magnified immensely by the guttering flame of the single candle clutched in its hand. The face remained in darkness, only the glinting eyes glinting in the candle?s glint, and then the voice ringing out like the toll of death?s bell:

�Welcome, my friend, to the bat cave?

 

 

To be continued? Possibly?

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Private phone call from Delete Woman to Ban Man,....

 

''I know Banman! I understand your concerns, but banning them all leaves us without slaves! We need the squirming superheroes to contribute to our forum in order to achieve the world domination that we seek.

It's only a matter of time before De-mystifying Woman helps 'innocently' to push them ALL (Mwahahahaha :devil: ) towards the batcave. You have seen how Baddad has shown his true colours in such a soakingly short period of time!! That was no coincidence. You know that once all the 'members' (Even more chuckling,...if only they knew what they had joined!!!) are inside the cave, they are powerless to escape the smell that keeps them there.

The slightly mucky side will always be ours, dear Banman,...so long as Robbie continues to spread his pellets.

Anyway,...listen bud, I gotta dash,...''

 

''Yes DW. Whatever you say, DW. Of course, DW. (worshipping phone as he replaces the receiver)''

 

CLICK.

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Welcome, my friend, to the bat cave?

 

ASM ventures closer to the crumped, soggy short wearing form staring in terror at "vastly mangnified bulk" throwing a menacing shadow on the walls of the cavern.

 

do not be afraid, you the one known as Captain Commando, we have been expecting you .....

 

[ASM had in fact gone out of the main halls of the Batcave to search for The Jester to thank him for rescuing her from the horrors of the Bat-cyber-bog! - us superheros have impecable manners - pard'n me]

 

Captain Commando pulls himself to his full height, his legs look like two threads hanging down from his sodden shorts, and are shaking (with the cold or in fear of the form standing before him).

 

Follow me .... ASM commands as she turns and with stylish flair she tosses her cape and beckons the bedraggled fellow superchum to follow into the deeper recesses of the batcave ...

 

Captn Commando hesitates unsure whether to follow the vast form .... shall he turn and flee or will curiosity get the better of him and will he follow ASM into the asylum known as the The Batcave....

 

He catches a movement out of the corner of his eye, the "dripping sound of water" he heard earlier was in fact Blue Rinse Woman (skulking in the shadows) who is in dire need of change of incontinent pad having earlier followed the fleeing jester to see if she could help him after witnessing his distress ....

The superheated wash and brush up has merely (and painfully) shrunk El Jestro's costume so that his High-Waisted Bolero Trousers now seem little more than skimpy cycling shorts and the "silk" (ok Nylonette effect) slashed shirt {with added gut gusset} has all but disintegrated......"I'm going outside now" he squeaks, tottering towards the door, "I may be some time..."
how could BRW resist The Jester in distress, at least she was the first to offer to free him from his painful prison of shrunken bollero's?

 

"Mmmmmmm," she muses as she checks out the still shaking Captn C. What thoughts are going through her blue halloed head? Trust me - you dont want to know.

 

Having missed the appointment with Specsavers she had decided to try the tip she had read in Horse & Hound weekly!

 

Can?t afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
it was a cheaper option for a superhero on a pension as is her other money saving tip ...

 

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty bloomers to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 25 pence.

 

Eeeeee, she's canny that BRW! No wonder she can afford to spend so much time down the Three Bells ....

 

But again, I digress ....

 

What will Captn. C. do????

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Come back De-Mystification woman  ..... we miss you, we need someone to add some "sanity" - we need a balance ...... 

 

 

Not on your Nellie!!!!!! I think this might be :wacko: catching!!!! :blink::wacko:

 

 

Look what happened to Captn Commando, (ne Squeeky Pants)!!!!!!! In such a short space of time too!!!!!

 

 

It's only a matter of time before De-mystifying Woman helps 'innocently' to push them ALL (Mwahahahaha  ) towards the batcave

 

Dinna worry Deleet Wumin I am your slave, these darn chains slow me doon a lot tho'. I need them removed if I'm ever to reach my 1000 posting target..

 

(Please release me let me go...............)

 

Gotta get out of ere, I sense (smell) Jesters presence.

 

 

D-M Woman.

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WKD Breezer Woman, on staggering to Work in a yawning fashion each morning, spots something!

 

Could it be ................... No!!!!

 

Not here, in a Housing Estate street in a small town just outside of Bristle in the South West of England?

 

Yes!

 

It is!

 

A small white kit-type car, semi-draped artistically in tarpaulin.

 

Proudly emblazoned on its white rump, in black letters is the word "JESTER"!!

 

The Jestmobile is here, in my road!

 

Ahhhh swooooooooooooon!

 

(Seriously tho there is a car just like this in my road - if I could take a picture and post it I would!, just to prove I haven't had too many WKD Breezers of late)

 

WKD Swooning Breezer Woman :ph34r:

Edited by Lisajb

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ASM :bat: frantically searching the cupboards and stuffed furnishings and nooks and crannies (pouffess flying in all directions!)of the Batcave for the hiding place of the medicinal forget everything moonshine brew, al la Jester! ASM is in a frenzy :angry: , she has just watched England lose on penalties (Again"!"!!!!) :angry: "Beckham" is possibly a word which will come to symbolise wasted opportunity everywhere!

 

Can anyone tell me why that second goal was disallowed??

 

I just need to forget for a little while .... in the words of the immortal Jester .... I may be some time ... :crying:

Edited by CarolJ

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The following has recently been unearthed...

 

Memo to T Blair

 

"As recompense for describing your recent negotiation in Europe as 'a triumph for Britain' you are reminded that you have added your signature to EEC Regulation:

 

183647/389474/sdgwdie/1937645 - England Football Team, Denial of Major Championship Wins Directive

Subsection 25343/gatxyei(aa564) part ii

'Use of Referees with Visual Impairment problems under Equal Opportunities Employment Legislation".

 

Good Luck with the election, see you in the World Cup Qualifiers (just our little joke)

 

Jaques & Gerhardt"

 

Does this explain it, Carol??

 

Jester :) actually :tearful:

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:crying: Jester, [manages teary smile] thank you for your enlightenment.

 

EU Directive 76, section 135, sub-sections (a) and (t), (w), (aa) (tt) has been taken a little too literally and yet again has been over zelously applied! In hindsight, should have given a couple of those Vision Express leaflets to the ref!

 

I am all for equal opportunities, political correctness but this???????

 

This will hopefully teach PM Blair to watch where he bends over to gain "a triumph for Britain"- lets just hope next time he has his back to the wall - otherwise the Euro boot will dipense suitable chatisement!

 

Its late, its raining outside and I have nothing further to say ..... :crying:

 

Its only a game right? :crying::crying::crying::crying::crying:

Edited by CarolJ

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CC, as the sole tartan-esque member of the batcave, declines to comment on the England Game, (though she doesn't see why the goal was disallowed either!)

She does, however, pass consolatory tequila slammers around the Bat-Cave.

A good excuse to get rid of the remaining liquor, Jester's pinata hugging fate must not be replicated!

(The shoehorn snapped as he tried to extricate his bolero from his behind-o!! :lol: )

Anyway, CC doled out a few commiserating pats to the dejected Bat-Clan, and turned her attention to the new recruit.

Shivering violently in a pair of soggy shorts, he stood as ASM beckoned him to follow.

At last she understood! Shivering from fear and soggy from same!!

ASM DOES have that effect on people....the memory of the Oddbins clerk surfaced in her memory and she sniggered (rather nastily for a superhero, I'm afraid..)

A forlorn and wilted slice of lettuce slid down the newbie's face and plopped at his feet, while he pondered ASM's invitation....

Captain Commando &CC turned as one at the sound of BRW coquettishly cooing a greeting at the newcomer as she skaaled him with her tequila, whereupon the Captain blanched :o and took off after ASM as fast as his spindly limbs would let him.

CC chuckled, then noticed the lettuce that had a moment before been resting upon the floor, had dissappeared!!!!!! :huh: Intrigued, she bent down, taking care to clutch her cape around her rear (too many burritos, not enough cossie fabric!!) and spotted a mysterious object near the smear of salad cream....

A ROBBIE pellet!!!!!! (Dun dun DUR!!!)

The entire batcave formed an investigative party. On hands and knees they sniffed their way around the cave, till a heap of mouldy droppings, putrid sawdust and rancid hay were discovered in a dark recess!!

"Ha! I TOLD you all, cleanliness is next to godliness! Had we only cleaned up, we would have known the Wascally Wabbit had infiltrated our domain!" screeched The Female Inquisitor, who was still bemoaning the loss of her beloved doilies...

What will the superdudes do?

Will Robbie end his days in the Batcave broiler??

Dun dun DUR!!!!!

Edited by pookie170

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The Story Continues...

 

As the superfemales are distracted by the apparent evidence of Robbie's 'pelleting' behaviour, Capt. Commando espies a narrow door to which has been affixed a hastily handwritten sign: "staffroom". He plunges within.

 

With a faint jingling of his traditional headgear the Jester :) looks up from whatever he is doing. His eyes are a bloodshot horror, his hand trembles in a palsied way and his breath rasps between clenched teeth as if in a state of extreme exertion. He is doing his report-writing. :o

 

"Ahh," he intones, "Captain Commando, I presume. Come in, come in, sit down" The Jester hurriedly places a waterproof sheet on one of the chairs. He looks at his latest report ...it is that of 'Duane Neanderthal' in 'Hooligan Class' (formerly Buttercup Class) "Hmm, how do you spell 'illiterate'?" he asks, as if to himself, then remembers his manners...

 

"It's good to have you aboard, Captain," he smiles, "I'm familiar with your work, of course, or, at least, the published stuff, and may I say that it marks you out as one of the most giftedly twisted psyches we've ever come across. Welcome to the team!"

 

He pats his pockets absent-mindedly. "Ahh" he says, wistfully, "if only I still smoked there'd be a fantastic opportunity for a pipe-smokers pun about a 'Churchwarden' and a good, rough ...er...type of tobacco I can't mention".

 

The Jester's eyes narrow "Now, er, one thing, Old Boy," he starts to look anxious, " the thing is..you see... well, I'm the first, you know, if you look at my previous postings, that is...well... as I say...I'm the first to say to these female types that UNSUITABLE UNDERGARMENTS are no way for a superhero to deal with Arch enemies...but, Dash it all, old fellah...no pants AT ALL is not the kind of thing I had in mind.

 

This IS a moderated site after all!" :blink:

 

His discomfort increases. "I'm not saying you're ready to play in the Big League yet" he gestures at the waistband of his Captain Webb Reinforced Long Johns, with crimefighters escape hatch, poking coquettishly over his tweedy trousertop and below the cuff of his trouser leg, "But I think some form of underpinning is required, if only to prevent BRW from developing another heart murmer."

 

He moves to the "drinks cabinet" and tops up the hip flask with 'The Special Mix'.

"Anyway ... enough of this. I must get on with my reports and you need to go and look into some underwear as soon as you can. Nice to have another chap round the place, what? harrumph"

 

The Jester :) returns to the BatComputer and attempts to retrieve the report writing programme. It has crashed. Sigh. Time to start again ....the forces of evil are free to ravage the world while the Jester :) is trapped by a 'Time Saving Computer Aid" :hypno:

 

Jester :)

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Still dazed, captain commando, surveys the jesters lair?

 

CC: �look, I?m a little confused?what is this strange place?�

J: �Do we need to spell it out? You?re in the Bat cave, m?friend, as you?ve been informed on several occasions�.

CC: �Yes, but what is the Bat cave? And who are all these strange people? I mean, they just seem to be wandering aimlessly; apparently communicating and seemingly interconnected in some strange way, but each within their own time frame, and with their own point of reference and agenda. It?s decidedly odd ? active, but odd?I haven?t seen anywhere quite like this since I worked in a care home for people with ASD?s?�

J: Ah, you want a logical explanation? Well, I?m sorry m?friend. Logic has no part to play in this little adventure. But I will tell you everything I know? T?was in the early seventies, a long running, popular �cult� TV series was in it?s dying throes. Fickle ?ickle kids had turned their backs on the show in favour of c**p cartoons like Scooby Doo and The Hair Bear Bunch, or ? even worse ? preposterous double speed live action twaddle like �The Banana Split Show� (catchy theme tune, though). The studio bosses pulled the plug, but by this time money was so tight they couldn?t even afford to tear down the extravagant set ? a twisted labyrinth some 300 miles long of painstakingly painted polystyrene- so it was left, and sealed for eternity. Two hours later a freak boating accident saw an international newspaper mogul fall from his luxury yacht (pronounced �F?tang, F?tang O?le biscuit barrel, for any still living Python fans out there), causing a tidal wave that engulfed the whole of this area and hurled it through a rip in the space/time continuum. Only one tiny entrance hole remained, m?friend, a �wormhole� connecting this world with normality. Many of us have fallen in, but none have managed to go back?�

CC: Well, thank you Jester, for that enlightening but rather dry [sorry, I just can?t keep up with the 60 gags-per-minute pace in here] explanation. I?m still at a loss, however, regarding the strange garb and behaviour. What gives?�

J: Remember, Captain Commando, the nature of this place we?re in? A TV Studio from the 1970?s, full of young actors and actresses performing in a camp, cult, fantasy-adventure?Can you imagine what they were smoking???? Would put my ?unmentionable? tobacco habit to shame, I can tell you? A sealed set?recycled air?my god, the stuff runs through the blood of every one of us like?like?erm, like blood. And the clothes? How long do you think those shorts you?re wearing will last? Wardrobe, m?friend, down the corridor and third on the left?

�Now, having helped you, perhaps you can return the favour? Do you know anything about computers?�

CC: �Well, they?re big and they?re black and they?re hairy and I don?t like ?em ? no, hold on, that?s something completely different (I think the recycled air?s getting to me), erm, not really?�

J: �Damn. Can you type?�

CC: �About 6 words a fortnight� (he holds up his hands, fingers splayed and rigid)?

J: �My God, man, I?m sorry. What is that, arthritis?

CC: �No, RSI? I tried to play �the flight of the bumble-bee on a Theramin. I was trying to amuse my son, Ben� (he sobs)?

J: �Oh I?m sorry, you must be missing him terribly?�

CC: �No, I was thinking of my Theramin?�

J: �Ah, I see?well if you can?t type, and you don?t know anything about computers you?re no use to me at this precise moment. Get off to wardrobe and find yourself some dry clothes ? but, be warned, avoid any �wimmin� you might see on the way, however comely they might seem ? the gasses seem to have an even worse effect on them. Us fellas have got to stick together if we?re to have a cat in hell?s chance down here?

 

CC: �OK, I?ll be careful, thanks for the advice. And, as Schwarzenneger said when he fell into the bacon slicer, ?Don?t worry, I?ll be back??�.

 

[Groan, time to leave, I think?]

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Mmmmm, ASM reminiscing about Monty Python, Life of Brian, humming "Always look on the bright side of life whistle, whistle whistle whistle ....", walking around the cave imitating John Cleese in Ministry of Funny Walks ....ahhh. No wonder my mind is so twisted. {Remebering the scene in the petshop with the dead parrot!}What with that and the "Goodies", no wonder a whole generation grew up to be such twisted superheros in later life. Still my all time favourite Captn Pugwash, is held atop the pantheon of children's programmes!

 

Not until adult life did I realise the true meaning of the names of the characters I loved so much (actually it probably explains why I loved the programme so much!)

 

Master Bates, Roger the Cabin Boy and Seaman Staines, still bring a smile to my face!

 

Having been raised on a diet of Saturday morning Tizwas and Why Dont You and Tomorrow People, perhaps that is why ASD was virtually unheard of then. We were all so different that noone noticed anyone's differences!

 

Oh those were the days ...... I used to watch snooker in black & white - guessing which shade of grey was which colour ball!

Edited by CarolJ

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Not until adult life did I realise the true meaning of the names of the characters I loved so much (actually it probably explains why I loved the programme so much!) Master Bates, Roger the Cabin Boy and Seaman Staines, still bring a smile to my face! 

 

I only found out about this in recent months. I still don't understand it!!!

 

Only joking!! Oh! I had a vision there of some trying to explain it to me!! :rolleyes:

 

 

D-M Woman

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Nellie,

 

I only found out about this in recent months. I still don't understand it!!! Only joking!! Oh! I had a vision there of some trying to explain it to me!! 

 

You are treading dangerously close to the Mucky side! Once false move and in you go, up to your neck! I will of course PM if you if you would like any further explanation!

 

Regards

 

ASM

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Master Bates, Roger the Cabin Boy and Seaman Staines, still bring a smile to my face!

Seriously???? :o

:lol:

I remember Cap'n Pugwash...(the reruns, at least...hee hee!) but I couldn't remember the names!!!

That may explain why you can't get the books any more!!

A certain Sex Pistols song springs to mind, but I can't really type the title here....kind of belongs in the Completely Mucky Side!! :P

 

I fear Delete Woman and Ban Man may be leaping into action forthwith!!

And whilst strolling through the halls of kid's tv past, let us not forget The Magic Roundabout!! Dylan the Rabbit might have been at home in the BatCave if Cap'n Commando's thoughts on the 'enhanced' recycled air are true!!

What WAS Mary Whitehouse thinking of? She must have led a very sheltered life!!

Capn Pugwash....the Caped Confuser sags, well informed and astonished!!! :lol:

Edited by pookie170

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I remember Cap'n Pugwash...(the reruns, at least...hee hee!) but I couldn't remember the names!!! That may explain why you can't get the books any more!!

 

Well, this site is very educational and informing. You learn something new every day!

 

CC, I am sure the next time they decide to re-run Captn Pugwash (if they do) you will be glued to the TV set! Giggling away and the kids looking at you wondering what the hell you are gwaffing at! At the end of each program they always "went down" with the ship! What did this symbolise I wonder????? PM's invited, as this is after all, a moderated site!

 

What also helped the Magic Roundabout to get banned is cos of Zebadee desparately trying to get everyone in bed!

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STOP! No more, I beg you!!

Oh, my purity!! :o

:D

Poor Cap'n Commando is looking scandalised, and we're only fuelling BRW's fire!!!

The Jester, having slipped back into teacher mode (blame the secret cache of special mix!!) is now feverishly thwacking a desk with his Super-Ruler in an effort to regain decorum in the Batcave.

The other Bat-Cavites are not responding in kind, however, and are turning crimson from jollification!

Incensed, the Jester goes for a last resort and the others, collectively, gasp as he digs deep into his battered brown briefcase.....

They watch in avid trepidation as the Jester slowly draws reveals his chosen weapon......

 

"Right you lot!!" he barks.."That's it! The last straw!! I'm afraid you've left me no choice so I'm going to have to do this......"

 

He triumphantly brandishes a fistful of shocking pink paper, and proclaims...

 

"PUNISHMENT EXERCISES ALL ROUND!!!"

 

The Batcave dissolves once more into rollicking gusts of derisive laughter.

Jester's lower lip wobbles, he retreats to the sanctity of his Bat-Study curls up in the corner...

Hugging himself, and rocking slightly in his anguish, tearful mutterings can just be made out....

"...just like year 6...all over again...rotten little twerps...*snif*..................................................i want my blankie!!"

Will Jester ever recover?

Tune in next time....

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On the subject of old TV progs: Does any one else remember "The Pinguins"?

They were stop frame animation, knitted penguins who lived in the woods and in every episode they would go to fetch milk from the farm in a bucket (no, the milk in a bucket, not a farm in a bucket - that would be ridiculous!). You'd just see a track appearing in the wheat until they reached the stile, then you'd see them climb over. I loved this! fact that i can remember it at all (can't have been more than about 3 or 4) says it all. Can't remember any of their names, but sure none of them were double entendres: Sorry :whistle:

 

And another one: Hoppity (diddliedum diddliedee!!!)... remember this because my niece loved it, and the little girl next door looked like the ugly fat boy in it ( I think he was called Georgie Porgey). I still sing the theme to Ben! (diddliedum diddliedee)... this was post "Torchy", but pre "Stingray" I think. Happy Days... why do people get so much pleasure from remembering rubbish like this? Were the summers really warmer? Did it really snow every Christmas? Am I really this ###### old?

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Yes dear, ofcourse dear, yes we remember dear, pinguins? yes, there there now. Just you go back to sleep you will be ok in the morning. Maybe a few less drinks tomorrow night?

 

 

Hoppity (diddliedum diddliedee!!!)... Oh dear!! :rolleyes:

 

D-M Woman.

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Personally, Camberwick Green, Trumpton and The Wombles, Flumps and Clangers did it for me! And Larry the Lamb...everyone remembers Trumpton & CG, but do you recall the wooly one?

Ooh, then there's Bagpuss....

Actually, I recall watching an animated video that our Aunt always rented for us on sleepovers....cannot remember the title, but there were 2 child adventurers and at one point, they helped repair the 'Loony Balloony' army during a battle. One kid stuck a patch over the balloon soldier's puncture wound, the other re-inflated the fallen man (well, red balloon man..) and it set back off into the fray.

I know I sound mental, but it was REAL I tell you!!

No stranger than wooly penguin milk fiends, at any rate!! :P

Esther x

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Master Bates, Seaman Staines and Roger the Cabin Boy - glad someone could remember em!

 

Oh yeah and there was One Eyed Willy as well - work that one out for yourselves!

 

Someone told me it was a spoof that some students sent in - and Auntie Beeb accepted it!

 

Lisa :ph34r:

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Oh yeah and there was One Eyed Willy as well - work that one out for yourselves!

 

Errr Lisa, I am having trouble working that one out. Answers on a PM pls snigger, snigger ...!!

 

Oh those were the daze! I used to love Ruburb & Custard, the screen was all wobbly and flickering like the characters, when watching it you felt as if you were on medication of some sort!

 

And yes, the Clangers! You know something I actually understood what they were saying "woooooooh whiip, woooooooooo" I could hear their words! Now that was worrying!

 

I understand Clanger talk! I wonder if that was the start of my problems and I just LOVED the soup dragon!

 

Does anyone remembe Pipkin and Harley Hare and what about Rainbow.

 

This may be riskey [as this is a moderated site - it depends on how your mind works!] but this is an actual script from the Rainbow series, read it and laff :lol::lol::lol: - I can provide the link to the actual episode if anyone is interested!!

 

For those of you who don't know, Rainbow was a credible childrens TV show from the 70's and 80's. This episode was actually broadcast and watched by millions of youngans.

 

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana...

Zippy: " One skin, two skin, three skin, four skin"

George: " Zippy, where is Bungle?"

Zippy: " I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"

We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from Behind it.

Bungle: " Geoffrey, I can't get it in"

Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"

Bungle: "I know, let's try it round the other way. Ooooooh, I've got it

in"

Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer

and peg kit

Bungle: " Would you stick this on the shelf, George"

George: " I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself,

Geoffrey (to camera) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about

playing"

Bungle: " Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"

Geoffrey:" Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to

play with?"

George:" Yesterday we played with each other's balls.

Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?

Bungle: " Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."

Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger?

Zippy:" Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."

Bungle: " It's my plucking instrument."

Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle

Zippy:" I can, I'm the best plucker here."

George;" And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?

Zippy:" Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."

Geoffrey;" Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."

Bungle (excited) " Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers

couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Rod and Roger can get their

instruments out and Jane has got two lovely Maracas."

Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.

Freddy:" We could hear you all banging away"

Rod: "Banging can be fun."

Jane:" Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and

Freddy."

Freddy (looking sad) " Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."

Rod (to Jane) " Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"

Jane: " Oh no, I was blowing away with Freddy last night. But would you

Like to play with my maracas?

Zippy; " No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."

George:"Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."

Zippy;" I've got a big red one."

George: " I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to

play with it."

Geoffrey (to viewers) " Well, have you got your twangers out? And

remember, you can bounce your balls at the same time. If you haven't got

any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the

plucking song."

Everyone in studio: " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck

all day."

 

Oh dear, ban button in use now!

 

I did not put link here cos there is some risky stuff on it, let me know and I will send it to if you want it!

 

P.S.

 

A couple of bits that were missed out the script that were in the episode:

 

Just before Geoffrey and bungle come out of the door Bungle says: "Ohhh - Geoffrey have you dropped one?"

 

A little later Geoffrey says: We don't have time to paint our twangers now, we need to go:

 

Bungle replies: Ohhh but I've just been!

 

Also when George is talking about his "tiny twanger" zippy keeps looking down!!!

 

Priceless! PMSL

Edited by CarolJ

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I think Elefan might have just fainted!! :P

Those producers must have been killing themselves laughing...it's a wonder the actors could keep a straight face!!

Dearie me...the age of innocence? I think not......

:P

Esther x

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Blue-Rinse Woman peers cautiously into the Bat-Cave. Are the rest of it's inhabitants still discussing that new-fangled invention known as "television"? :hypno:

 

They'd only just invented the wheel when BRW was a lass. :wub:

 

What was this? With her superhero sense of smell (which thankfully filtered out BRW's own personal fragrances) she detected a faint whiff of Blue Stratos aftershave. :blink::blink::blink:

 

A new man had visited the Bat Cave in her absence. :thumbs: And <<sniff sniff>> it seemed as though he wasn't too fond of wearing undergarments! :pray::dance::pray:

 

Would this newcomer be any match for the manliness of El Jestro and her new beau Norman? :pray:

 

Would this new excitement make up for her missing her appointment at Specsavers? :pray:

 

This would take some careful working out....... The subject of working things out reminded her that it had been three whole days since she had visited the Bat-Loo. :oops:

 

 

Oh those superheroes were in for a fragrant treat today! :thumbs::devil::thumbs:

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ASM :bat: frantically nailing "OUT OF ORDER" sign on bat cyber-loo - hopefully this will deter BRW!

 

Hopefully :o

Edited by CarolJ

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Banman and DW, whatever do you mean???? Have your minds been corrupted by the Slighty Mucky side, it is a script for an innocent children's programme!!!!

 

My my, the minds of some folks!

 

A twanger is an instrument that you pluck! Did you not know this????

 

Would you like me to send you both the link, it is side-splittingly funny in its innocence and the actors do not smile or laugh once!

 

Are you tempted?

 

Let me know - ASM

Edited by CarolJ

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