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keepingmesane

other half with AS???

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hi all,

its been a while since i last posted asking whether my son could be ASD. he first saw a consultant paed in jan when his behaviour and delays became noticeable and he was formally dx last week which is a relief in some ways to know im not imagining things.

 

my post is to actually ask for any advice on my hubbie actually. since learning about ASD for our son, i have noticed that actually my hubbie is almost definately AS and that has been sort of confirmed by several of the health professionals involved in our sons care, it will never go any further than that as he is training to be a dentist and it wouldnt do him good to have it on record.

im asking for support and advice as i am struggling so much dealing with him. he is currently obsessed with 9/11 and the truth behind it, to the point that at the beginning of the year he was absolutely hyper and not sleeping. it took a huge toll on our relationship which was already struggling. he is incredibly intelligent (as is our son) but he is useless with the day to day tasks

i have stuck with him and now that i understand why he does certain things, i do give him a bit more leeway but theres only so much i can handle.

 

we have four young children.. our b/g twins are 3 next month, b is asd and g is mild cerebral palsy, i also have a 16 month old son who is being watched for asd behaviour (though hopefully it is all just copied, only time will tell but doesnt make dealing with the problems now any easier) and a 7 week old g who is very colicky! add to all this that i suffer from M.E and have just been dx with pnd so am now taking anti depressants.

my main stress is my hubbie, he doesnt really help although he is trying slightly harder, he doesnt really understand anyone elses feelings so isnt always as supportive as i need and his obsession is driving me bonkers! he has got his obsession more under control again but its so frustrating to me and him

 

 

does anyone have any advice on living with a partner with AS? or any recommendations on books etc

 

 

 

 

++edited as he is actually aspergers rather than asd as was first thought!++

Edited by keepingmesane

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Hi keepingmesane, >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Receiving a diagnosis can come as quite a shock, even when you are expecting it. It's a bit of a roller coaster ride. You certainly have your hands full, it can't be easy for you. Be kind to yourself.

 

It's not unusual to find out a parent has ASD after a child's diagnosis. Things start to make sense when you have a reason for your husband's 'difference'. My husband was diagnosed about 4 years ago, understanding why he behaved differently was a huge bonus for both of us. Like all marriages we have both had to work at it.

 

This link gives information on relationships, I hope it helps.

 

AS / Relationships and Marriage, Information on family relationships.

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=727

 

Nellie xx

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Hi.I have a few book ideas that may be worth looking at.They are all published by JKP.Our borough library stocks some of them so it would be worth looking.

An Asperger marriage

Asperger in love

Asperger syndrome and long term relationships

Living and loving with asperger syndrome. I can't remember which one is which and have returned them so just have a look.JKP also have a website.Karen

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My daughter is now a diagnosed Aspie, and as a result of that it has become apparent that my husband has Aspergers also. Like you our consultants found my hub, and his family background, very interesting. My hub has gone to the Dr and asked to be assessed. It must be bothering him because he never makes appointments like this off his own back.

 

Like your husband he is exceptionally intelligent, and has obsessions, although he would prefer them to be called 'fads'. I have also struggled with depression and although I know he really tries hard he doesn't understand and wants me to just snap out of it. He also often can't see when certain patterns in his behaviour (borne out of frustration with my depression) actually make the situation worse not better.

 

I can't really offer any advice because it sounds like we are at a similar stage to you. It's all relatively new to us at the moment (well putting a name to it is anyway).

 

:)

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Hi,

 

I don't have a lot of advice because I don't have kids etc, but I do have AS and chronic depression.

 

Firstly, I would like to address the whole diagnosis/medical record thing because I've noticed a few people posting on here recently worrying that documenting their Aspergers in their medical records is somehow going to disadvantage them in their careers. The thing is, they have AS, whether it's on their medical records or not, it's not like you can keep it a secret because people will notice that your husband is different. Mostly they will think he's odd or weird or not a nice person, quiet, secretive, insencere, distant, unfriendly etc etc. All of this though will be presumptions made because they think he is just like everyone else when he isn't (this is not a bad thing). The positive aspect of telling people about Aspergers and having the documentation to back this up, is that not only will people realise there is a reason for his difficulties in communicating or seemingly "odd" behaviour, it can also lead to understanding and an improved working relationship. If your husband made clear to people about his AS and it affected his position at work, if he was discriminated against in any way, then this isn't allowed and it can be reported, it is against the Disability Discrimination Act. Having AS in no way stops him from being a brilliant dentist, in fact it will only help because your husband will become obsessive about getting it right, being hygenic and being the best that he can be. It's a positive attribute in that respect.

 

Also, when I got my diagnosis (and I'm not saying this is the same for everyone, just my experience), there are no weird tests or things that they do, they asked me questions, my mom, my boyfriend and looked at my school reports, things like that. They asked why I thought I was AS and I told them, based on all this I got my diagnosis. My diagnosis consists of a piece of paper which says "I am simply writing to confirm the diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome" or something like that, one sheet of paper. My doctor has a copy also, but I know that it didn't have an impact on how my medical records look. There is no neon sign attached to the front that says "this one has AS, watchout" or anything....I know because I have to remind my doctor everytime I see him that I have Aspergers.

 

My advice in terms of coping with your husband's AS is to do as much research as you can into AS and specifically look at information that is written by people with AS, these are the people that can give real insight into how your husband thinks/reasons for behaviour. Your husband also has to look into AS if he is to manage his disability. With research comes understanding and an insight into his mind, the more I learn the more I know who I am and why I am and I have begun to manage my AS so that I can live my life. It's never going to go away and I'm never going to be able to hide it, and if I do hide it I know it only makes life 100% worse for me and those who meet me. You need to look at information TOGETHER and tackle the information as a team. Approach the situation positively, and think of it like, the more information you learn, the more you talk about it together and be honest with each other, the more you can adapt and adjust your lifestyles so that both your lives improve.

 

In terms of day to day tasks, find out why your husband doesn't contribute, it may be a fear of the unknown, something I suffer with terribly. I never used the washing machine until I was maybe 18 or so because I didn't know how to use it and never thought to ask. I lack intuition and don't instantly know how to do things and have to be shown a couple of times, not because I'm stupid, far from it, things just don't come easily. Also, I don't cook, I can't do it, it's too stressful and I am actually dangerous when cooking. I don't know when things are cooked or understand sell by dates and I can't manage different things cooking and being cooked at different times. Despite being organised in my day to day life, my time management skills desert me when I enter the kitchen. However I can clean, because I am OCD about things being tidy and I have to be perfect at everything I do, so now I am an expert cleaner. This is a role your husband could take on, though it would take much teaching from you on how to clean things like the toilet and what products to use etc. I also like ironing because it is repetitive.

 

Anyway, I know that lot probably doesn't make a lot of sense, I'm having trouble getting things out of my brain today lol. Basically just do lots of research, together, and approach things positively. A daily routine implented for everyone would help your kids and husband 100% I am sure and prepare them as much in advance as possible if these routines are going to be changed. Yes it takes away the spontinaiety of life (or however you spell it), but you're never going to be spontaneous with people with ASDs anyway, so embrace routine, look at it positively and make sure you schedule an hour of "you time" in there once a week. Use this time to make you feel better about yourself, whether it's plucking your eyebrows, shaving your legs, using a face mask, going for a walk, reading six magazines back to back with a mug hot chocolate!! Indulge and doing anything which will lift your spirits and improve how you feel about yourself. I know if I do this it makes my depression better because I'm not making it worse by beating myself up about the fact that I'm useless and unattractive and unimportant. I know I'm not a supermodel, but if I get my haircut or buy a new top, it gives me that little boost I need. Also make sure that you are taking care of your conditions as well, do you have a community practice nurse? It sounds like you might benefit from having one, also do you talk to any doctors about your ME/depression...this might help.

 

Hope this helps a little,

 

Badonkadonk

xxx

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