Sooze2

I would start the statementing process now rather than waiting, the whole process took well over a year from when I persuaded school to Request Stat Assessment because school dragged their heals so much in getting the paper work in order. I know of a couple of people who's school (my son's!) said they would definately do it and then say that they may as well leave it till they started Secondary but I think starting Secondary is such a massive change for our kids that things need to be in place before they get there so all the preparation for the change can be done throughout year 6. My son used to leave the class room regularly when he was in year 3. When he'd had enough, got stressed or just got bored he would go to the loo and play with his cars or lego men in the sink. It used to take the teacher a while to realise he had gone. Perhaps the TA could tell him he can go to the loo but that he needs to be back in 5 minutes and tell him she will go and bring him back to class if he doesn't return in time. My year 5 boy still has no idea of time and telling him 5 minutes may as well be telling him next week so he will either ask you if the time is up every 3 seconds if its something he wants to do or dissapear and never come back if its something he's not interested in! The class TA should be able to do this, if you ask them to in a letter and then they complain that he is still spending a while in the loo it is a good argument to put to the SENCO that he needs support in school

Thats exactly what I thought Caroline. I am thinking of bipassing the head and going straight to the LEA, just had a long conversation on the phone with DH and he said he is just so bored with it - as in he doesn't understand why this is still going on! We thought that once he got his Statement (July 09) that this wouldn't be an issue anymore and all they had to do was put everything said in the statement in place but it appears not. I am so sick of having to deal with this constantly because it shouldn't be happening anymore, its a small thing in the great scheme of things but it's like the straw that broke the camels back for me. Add to that DS coming home all the time saying that he feels like he is invisible at school it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. When I asked the Parent Support woman what literacy help or program was being put in place for him she said "I'm not supposed to tell you this so don't quote me but they only put it in place for kids who they think will improve" !!!!!!! Now, since DS has been on Concerta XL his writing and all round literacy has improved a lot - he's gone from a minus 2 to 3.4 since September (so they say) so surely he has proved that he can improve she has just lost her own argument and how many other kids are not being helped just because the school won't get good SATs results out of them - I know of at least 3 in my cirlce of freinds this is happening to! Also I know of a boy with dyslexia (DS's freind - I know the mum very well) who has 1 to 1 literacy help and he has come on leaps and bounds this year - I assume DS's TA does this because she works with this boy a lot - in fact I had to force them to take DS's TA out of this boys morning groups which were for the whole moring because she wasn't there at all for DS due to being in a completely different class! Sorry I'm now ranting. Thanks for replying

When you say PP do you mean Parent Partnership? Parent Partnership was in the Statement review meeting and made a couple of sarcastic comments directed at me. She works in the school and said she wanted to come and support me but said nothing apart from the sarky comments, I have had a feeling for a while that she is not impartial and tries very hard to dissuade me from seeing the head master. There is NAS support meeting on the 5th so I think I will go along to that and talk it over with them too because I really feel now that this is becoming a personal issue within the school because I keep on insisting that they do what is on the statement and they are now blaming me personally or him for them not doing what they are suposed to!

Thats what I thought too. At the beginning of September his new teacher said he needs to be more organised and concentrate more - I mentioned this to Autism Outreach when they phoned me about something and they said that he can't which is why he has a statement. Surely a neuralogical contition or 2 that he has had from birth can't be based entirely on outside factors can it? Plus prior to being on medication he only got about 5-6 resless hours sleep per night and they always said he was fine so why now that he sleeps well and is "like a nornal child (!)" have they suddenly said his behaviour is related to sleep?! At the Statement review meeting just over a week ago I said that one of the teachers could do with some training and asked if she had read the ASD folder I had give SENCO which she wanted so she could help teachers understand the condition. After that they they closed ranks and a very obvious chill came over the rest of the meeting. I feel this could be something to do with it.

My son still does this a lot, he is 10. One thing that worked was to let him chose a large fleece blanket (Primark) which is in a less bedroomy dark purple colour. I think its meant to be a sofa throw but it is so soft and cosy, he has it on his bed and generally brings it in the front room and even takes it camping but because of the colour its fine. I never really worried about what my visitors thought about having a duvet or blanket in the front room realy - my house is for my family to relax in and if they want to lounge then so be it. Mind you my freinds are all the same way so wouldn't notice. Good luck what ever you try.

Hello again everyone, you may or may not remember me. Ive not been around for a while because of the usual family "things" going on that we all have to go through. Anyway its good to be popping back in again and I have a feeling I will be spending a very long time catching up with all the months worth or posts I have missed. Anyway its nice to jump back on board again.

Hi All Sorry, editing to say this is very very long! I hope you are all well in this crisp weather, its nice to be back. Ive not been around for a while due to major things happening at home, my Dad died at the end of November, DH was hospitalised the week after and was very ill for 2 weeks and then he had a major op 4 weeks ago which it turns out he is still in pain from! this is signifficant to my post by the way. I not looking for sympathy over that Anyway, now to my reason for posting. I have just got my son's IEP and I can't beleive what I have read so I would like people more experienced than me to tell me if I am just being paranoid or wether what they have written is totally out of order. He has ADHD and Autism and takes concerta XL during the day and menatonin at night - these meds work great and he is a lovely happy boy most of the time since being put on meds this time last year. School maintain that he is a lovely boy and acts like "an averge child in class now" - their words. TARGETS To improve abilty to follow instructions carefully.... Review Ongoing - ability to follow instructions depends entirely upon outside factors such as if he has taken his medication, enough sleep, or things that are beyond his control outside of school Target To Ensure he has all his belongings before leaving the classroom at the end of the day Review Still needs prompting - finds it a problem to organise his belongings and take everything home - even though he is constantly prompted and aided during this time - he also seems to wither (not dure what that means lol) forget to take things home or takes them out of his book bag before he goes! So, he takes all his homework out of his book bag in the time it takes to get from the classroom to the playground - aparently! He swears this is not the case and believe me he is brutally honest (as most of our kids are) in most areas so I beleive him plus he knows full well that I will take him into class to get the stuff he should have if he hasn't got it much to his embarrassment. Also on his statement and his last IEP is says "Target - to ensure he has all his belongings before leaving the clasroom at the end of the day by getting ready 10 minutes before the bell so that he is ready with the other children" - not happening because his TA leaves class 20 minutes before the end of school. The other TA who is there for another ASD boy tells her boy the get ready 10 minutes before the end of school every day but not DS, he is not allowed! As for the improving following instructions comment - I am shocked - He has missed 2 sleeping tablets in the last year - one the other week because the chemist messed up his script and the person who writes said script wasn't around for a couple of days to issue another. He has never missed a day time pill but I have had to take one in for him a couple of minutes after school started. The things happening at home have been unavoidable (sorry teacher that my dad was so selfish to go and die and cause you so much inconvenience, etc). As you can tell I now feel terrible and feel like I am a terrible mother, I have been shouting lately and weve been late a couple of times but my head has been messed up by all the illnesses,death and worry - I have told them about all of it and asked for there understanding but I fail to see why this is now on his IEP which will be on his records till he leaves school! Could anyone advise me on weather these obviousely personal comments towards me are on and "Educational Plan" I don't know is anyone remembers the problems I have had with school in the past but I am now totally fed up because I thought this sort of thing was why he has a statement in the first place! Perhaps I am wrong and someone will tell me I am being paranoid and should just ignore it.

This just made me cry! I feel I want to send it to freinds and family who just don't understand so I can't discuss anything with them.

I would go with "c" but tell the teacher he is to get a timeout when he misbehaves at school. So when the teacher tells you he has done x or y at school instead of you saying you will take his x box away just say the teacher will give you a time out for that at school and let her know that is how you want her to deal with it if they do it a different way go with what they say if you agree. School have loco parentis when your son is in their care so they should deal with it as long as you are happy with that. My son will respond to that much better than bringing it home and me punnishing him for something he has done at school, the same goes for homework too. I don't ask the school to punish my son for something he has done at school so ...... Just to add that is only what I would do because that is what my son responds to, he needs consistant firm boundaries and immediate punishment if I wait till later he has no idea what he is being punished for - just like all kids really. Your son may be different. Punishment sounds awful eh - but you know what I mean, time out, grounded, playstation taken away etc

Hiya. My son has ASD and as we have been going through the diagnostic process with him it has been more and more abvious that my DH probably has the same, he often said that he can't see the problem with DS's behaviour because he was the same as a child..... As time has gone on and I have asked him to attend appointments with us he has actually admitted that he can't see it because he is the same but now realises that it is a problem for other people, he has also been very helpful in explaining to consultants about his own childhood experiances and they have seen where DS is coming from and that helped with the diagnosis because of the "strong family history"! Its not a problem for him because he thinks they should accept him for who he is (he's right really) and now when he doesn't show any affection, there are no I love you's at all he just says that he can't help it because he's probably the same as DS, I sometimes see it as a get out clause for him. Thing is, DH has a job a mortgage, 3 kids and a wife. He is doing really well in life and there are a few little bits which I find hard. He really hates social situations like parties or gatherings and I usually go to them on my own but you would never know it because he is a real chatter box! But its me who finds them hard, not him, he is ok with it because he can't see the problem. If your DH is functioning fine but it's others who find it hard then I think it may be a case of acceptance. It sounds like you have a great relationship, he has changed a lot over the years in a positive way. You have given him more confidence by standing by him and helping him and he is helping himself because you are standing by him and you are obviousely important to him. My DH had a pretty bad drink problem and was trying to sort that out when I met him, it had affected his relationships and his buisiness and luckily he recognised it when his buisiness started to go down and managed to sort himself out. He still drinks occasionaly but not to excess which is fantastic due to the brilliant programme he was on. I think a lot of us have ASD traits - I know I do which can infuriate my DH and others at times. I really do believe that in all relationships there has to be acceptance and if the possitives outweigh the negatives then we are on to a winner and can ignore or accept the negatives and learn to focus on the good stuff. Ive just had my birthday and DH has showered me with gifts and even made me a cake - there were no hugs or I love you's but he has demonstrated to me how he feels without doing that bit. In writing this I know I have to accept that side of it, which I find incredably hard but there are parts of everyone that we would change but getting a diagnosis isn't going to change it so (for us) unless the diagnosis is going to change life dramatically then we are going to let sleeping dogs lie here but just try and remember that he is not always aware of what he is doing. Just as I am not always aware about what I do - eg how my being a night owl effects our relationship - that is one way where I am like my son etc Sorry to ramble but you two sound like you are doing great, your relationship is strong and you obviousley love each other. You have to do what you want to do but it sounds to me as if you are both doing great already. xx

Sorry Chris, I was was joking . My place sounds very much like yours in the morning which is why we only get mili seconds to get the final shoes/coat/hair part of events done in time for the school door closing in our faces and getting a late ticket most mornings. Someone always wants a poo, can't find tie, spills breakie all over clothes, is sick due to trying to shove too much in their mouth or cries and goes slower due to me asking them politley (DS) to walk a bit quicker than a slug while finding shoes/tie/jumper. I ask DS "can't you see what time it is" to which he replies "the teacher didn't teach us how to tell the time" which isn't true but he decideds to start a debate over that blah blah blah. Then DD decides that she wants to stay with me just before we enter the school building and starts crying loudly thus announcing to the teachers that we are sneaking in very quietly and can usually get away with it because their Surname begins with a W so are last to be called on the register but by the time I have dragged her to the door the other 2 are in but she has to get a late ticket due to being locked out which takes at least 10 minutes because the secretary seems to be pretending to be busy doing something important but is really laughing at how late she is making us even though we weren't actually late at all because it was all timed to perfection!!! Silly woman, its always her fault I'm late! As a cereal late/just in time person the art of rushing cup is mine. If I get up early (rarley) we still rush due to me saying we have loads of time. I was born a night bird so have spent all my life oversleeping you see, I tried one of DS's menatonin once but it didn't work! Also having spent 9 years with DS not sleeping I now don't know how to go to bed when tired due to spending so very long being tired I think that is how normal people feel so ignore it! OMG now that was a proper ramble wasn't it! Portia - Ive not thought about it like that before and think that you are probably right. Also if he's not surrounded by his class mates working he may not be so inspired to do it. Anyway I have spoken to the TA about it (not his because she's never around!) and she agrees that he is out of order and trying it on a bit so we'll go with him giving it a fair go but if he just has the "Can't be bothered" attitude that is when he will get a time out. xx

Perhaps the teacher is trying to tell you in a round about way that your son is struggling in class and needs more support than she alone can give him. I think she sounds like a very good and caring teacher, next year he may get an old school dragon style teacher who is not so understanding. You are lucky she is being honest and upfront with you about what she sees, most teachers aren't like that with parents. The DX (which he didn't get until just before he was 9) has brought my son on in leaps and bounds and I was mainly thinking ahead to secondary school where life and other kids are hard. Primary schools are lovely safe nurturing places but I know that there is no way DS would survive in Secondary with out help and his own stratagies to get through it - he is likely to be lead straight into trouble and bad behaviour from the minute he walks through the door so at least he will have a safetly net with the DX and now the Statement.

Ha Ha, yes put it this way, at 8.40 this morning 2 of my children were in the shower. At 8.54 I was plaiting their hair, luckily we live next to the school - all the children were in school when we got there at 8.56 but luckily the door was still open so we could sneek in just in time! That about sums up my morning routine! I run a tight ship, everything is timed to the nearest mili second and the sudden need for a poo or the loss of the hair brush throws us out! Its just a shame my timings don't start a little earlier in the morning really eh!

HUGE <'> for you jordansmum. xxxx

Thanks for the teachers perspective, I think the problem here is the lack of consequences at school. I know he has difficulties but he needs to know that he has to try which is what the problem has always been, he will fight till he's blue in the face, I will tell him he will get a timeout if he doesn't do it and then nothing happens which means he knows he can get away with it. Being punished for doing your best is wrong but when you can't even be bothered to pick up a pencil then that is out of order. Now that his anger (adhd) is under conroll I need to make sure I stop helping him for hours and let him decide IF he wants to do the work and make sure the teacher punishes him if he doesn't just as you say. I should have sent him to school with nothing today instead of getting him to copy what I had written for him especially since he went to bed really late because of it - it's no good at all! I'm trying to instill somesort of work ethic into him but in my opinion the school are far too soft on the kids which isn't going to help them at all in the long run. I'm so old fashioned aren't I! Oh, I also understand that he may not know what a Hero is etc but he has written some very imaginative things at school lately, poems, stories etc which I read last week so I know he can do it. He's a great manipulator and I think he has been pulling the wool over everyone's eyes a wee bit too long! Thank yo all for your helpful replies, you are all wonderful.

Hellooooo, I thought I would seek you out because I'd not seen you here before but you have given me some great answers on a thread. Welcome to the forum, this place is a life line for me and has helped me get a diagnosis for my son who is now 10 and was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD in September '08 just before he was 9. He and my DH are very similar and I was determined that I would get him help and understanding to enable him rather than him experience what my DH had to go through at school with no one to stand by him. Like you, my family nearly fell apart and me and my hubby were close to throttling each other with the frustraion of it all (the system)

Thanks mygifts, good idea to do the homework as soon as we get in. A teacher told me not to do this because they needed to unwind but I agree with you, I could then say that when homework is done then he can do what he wants rather than him starting to relax and then having to start work again which I think may be the problem. We usually go to the park after school so they can unwind so they should be ready to start again when they get home. I will do that when we get the next lot. Thing is he knows I am in control and he knows I always follow through with what I say, he is just rebeling which he always does after a few weeks back at school, but this time I know he can do the work where as before he couldn't which is why there is no room for negosiasion (spelling?) now. Dad is a non starter, he has absolutely no patience with DS and homework, they just wind each other up - they are very similar. Dad had huge problms with school and refused to do homework resulting in his mum giving up on him by the time he was 8, we think he is dyslexic and he will spend more time telling the children how the English language is fundamentally flowed because of the spelling of words than actually doing anything!!! He's lovely but not a great help with this sort of thing which is why I come here and ask silly questions

Thing is, they would have punished him long before now if I hadn't kept stopping it from happening by doing most of it for him! This is the boy who was banned from the playstation and TV for 2 months due to constant bad behaviour and attitude and still didn't care! I think I will give your suggestions a go and see how we get on, mornings are out though - mornings are not my strong point!

He really isn;t bothered about rewards, he will actually do the opposite of what you are asking if there is a reward at the end of it. If I had stopped him seeing his freind he still wouldn't have done his homework so it wouldn't have worked - tried that many times before. I think his teacher will be supportive because the other parents think she is too strict and started the year with firm boundaries which parents haven't liked. I think my son needs that level of authority but gets away with some things because he has a diagnosis, he is very manipulative and will use this to his advantage. I want to stop enabling him when it comes to his written homework because he refuses to do it unless I am siting next to him telling him what to write and since I went into school last week and saw what he is now capable of (amazing progress!!!) I feel it is now time for me to back off and let him see the concequences of him fighting the system. If he can do the work but CHOSES not to surely he is responsible for it, not understanding is one thing but he is making a free choice to be a pain in the bum and that is the bit I don't like. I've got to this stage before where me and his teachers have joined forces and we have all seen that he was playing us and stood by grinning like a chesher cat as we discussed what he had been up too! He's a sly one is my boy!

Just wondering if I am doing the right thing. DS is slipping back into his "can't be bothered" attitude ways and it is really getting to me. For part of his homework this week he had to write a letter to his hero, first he couldn't think of a hero, I gave him some ideas. Then he didn't know what to write so I looked him up on wikipedia and found loads of info for him to write about. He still couldn't be bothered to write anything down, we got to the stage where he wrote "you are my hero because" last night by which time it was time for bed - 9.30. Tonight he has been out and done things with his freind and started homework when he got home but still couldn't be bothered and said he didn't know anything about the person, looked it all up again. I started writing things down for him to copy and he still couldn;t be bothered I told him to add to what I had writen which wasn't much because his attitude was getting to me and he couldn't be bothered and sat messing around with the pen so I just told him to add Yours sincerely to what he had copied. He then started stropping and saying that he didn't know how to write a capital Y because no one had taught him!!!! He's 10! It was almost 10pm by this time! Ive decided to ask the teacher to give him a time out because he can't be bothered to do his homework, he has a bad attitude and expects me to sort it all out for him so he doesn't get told off at school. I spend ages doing his maths with him which I don't mind because he needs the help there but this is over and above the call of duty don't you think. I have 2 other children to help and they haven't done their homework which needs to be handed in tomorrow also because I spend so much time with him! Am I really supposed to sit and do his homework for him, if so what is that point of it. Anyway, back to the original question, should he get a timeout for being lazy and attitude king. Will he every learn if he keeps getting away with it? Am a just a very hard parent? I am very worried we are heading back to where we were last year where he would tantrum for ages over homework which is something I won't ever go through again.

My son also has a dual diagnosis of ADHD and Autism too and he takes concerta xl, he started on the lowest dose - 18mg and it has improved his and our life. He is unrecognisable to what he was in January, the consultant wanted him to go on it when he was diagnosed in September '08 but I said no because I was scared!!!! In February '09 she called me in and said the teachers were finding him hard to manage so told me to give it a go, I was horrified at the thought of putting him "on drugs" but it is the best thing I have ever done. The result is that he is now very happy, talks to other adults and has even stated writing more than a couple of words at school which now that he is 10 is a great relief. You said - it feels like the world has been lifted of mine and my wifes shoulders. All that time thinking "are we bad parenets?". -- I can totally relate to that and the feeling of releif has stayed with me ever since so well done you for doing everything you can to get through it all.

I think he was lucky because he only wore the boots for a couple of months. I had to massage his feet 3 times a day and put the boots straight back on, his feet were not allowed any free movement at all. When he was boron the soles of his feet touched in the same way that you clap year hands, his anckle joints were at tight angles! His feet are totally fine now, a nice arch, no cramps or pain at all. One of my twins on the other hand gets terrible cramps, lots of foot and leg pain day and night and I'm taking her off the the doctor next week to get it check out although I know he will say it's growing pains! I'm sorry to hear your daughter has had such problems with her feet. Tell her that the insoles WILL help. I have the same problem with my feet turing inwards, have very very high arches and walk on the outside edges of my feet. I had insoles made (proper old fashioned moulded ones) when I was around 20 and my constant cramps and terrible leg, foot and hip pain was releived. It gave me a whole new lease of life and I felt like I was walking on air. I'm not sure if my childrens problems are hereditory, now that I think about it, DS with talipes, DD with terrible pains and high arches also and me with my leg problems - it does seems to add up to me crippling my kids eh! Luckily DD2 doesn;'t have the same problems which is strange, another thing about my ID twins that is very different.

DS was born 2 weeks late, they induced me and I went straight into labour where the contractions came continuousely with no gap inbetween. I was given an epidural, which took 3 attempts because the needle kept popping out. After 12 hours they realised that there was no way he was coming out and he was distressed so off to surgery for an emerency c/section. I had to blood transusion after surgery. He weighed 9lb 5 oz and was born with an angry red ring around the top of his head due to being stuck for so long. He had tabilpies (club foot) from being so squashed up inside me as he was so long and had to wear orthopeadic boots for a while to straighten his feet out which worked luckily. He was jaundiced. I had my own room due to the traumatic birth etc and the midwives told me not to worry about ringing the bell because they could hear him crying (very very loud) and he cried A LOT and didn't sleep very much at all. He was so alert from birth is was unbeleivable and would follow the lights in the room as I walked around with him all night. He was very active from when he first started kicking inside where he kept me awake all night and that carried on after he was born! He refused to feed and wouldn't latch on but the midwives refused to give me a bottle but wouldn't discharge us untill he started feeding properly!!!!!! It was at the start of the "breast feeding initiative". They let me out on day 7 because they needed the bed and he spent the first 24 hours at home screeming - the only time he stopped was when he had a finger in his mouth. DH went out and bought baby milk and he then spent the next few weeks feeding constantly as if trying to catch up from starving and loosing loads of weight in the week after birth. If he wasn't feeding he needed a dummy and had to suck constantly, he still has always got something in his mouth to this day. The twins were the total opposite, born naturally at 35 weeks after a 3 hour labour. Both home on day four, they were content, slept a lot (kept poking them to make sure they were alive!) which was proabably because they were early at first but then they carried on sleeping a lot and I realised that is what babies do after talking to other mums! DS was smiling at 6 weeks and I could make him laugh and have fun with him early on, I found the twins boring because they didn't do anything but eat and sleep for months and after having a sleepless high maintenence first child I found having contented easy babies very strange and worried there was something wrong with them! Little did I know......

My DH has played the same albums for the last 15 years! He does get new ones occasionally but they are all the same type of music with the same base line going on. He also needs to play them very loud and accuses me of being old if I turn them down to either be able to speek or because the kids are trying to sleep.

I was trying to explain about my son's issues especially in year 3 and sesley has said it for me. My son wanted his writing to look like what he saw typed in books - perfect, his pictures and everything else had to be totally perfect too. He couldn't live up to his own perfect expectations of what HE thought he should be doing. Everyone around him told him it was ok but he insisted it wasn't and so would rip or screw things up and throw it away when in class and at home. When the Autism Outreach lady was there doing her first observations of him she said that they all had to draw a rock that was infront of them and then shade it, he did a lovely drawing and had nearly finnished shading it when he then just went crazy and screwed it up and threw it away. The TA lead him off to the computer and let him do something on that involving rock which eventually calmed him down. What I will say is that there was a build up to it, he started muttering to himself then went red and was rubbing things out, he gradually got more and more agitated untill he exploded. This always happens with him, you can see it coming and there is always a build up to the end result. He didn't have his own TA but the class TA knew him very well and his teacher was very sensitive too. By the end of that year he refused to do any writing at all because he had convinced himself that he was so bad at it that there was no point! He spent a lot of time that year in the toilets playing with cars or figures he had brought in after wandering out of class. He was very passive up till then but home life was horriffic due to the release of his pent up anger and frustration with school. Once he started letting it out in school it was as if a release valve had been opened and he couldn't stop. Again, he is very bright and knows the answers to the teachers questions but couldn't record them - hugely frustrating. What your boy's teacher or TA need to do is to catch him before he explodes, by year 4 they had managed to stop some things happening by reading his body language - twitching, fidgeting, muttering, going red, rubbing out crazily then rage. The class TA would just take the paper away and get him to do something else. The only times he would explode were when the class TA wasn't there (change) because he hated anyone who wasn't "his" teacher or when he was rocking or humming and he didn't know he was doing it so didn't know why he was being told off. I really hope someone can come in and observe him in class and tell the teachers how to deal with this for you. Parent Partnership will be able to advise you and will come to meetings with you at school and also let you know your son's rights and what the school should be doing. They will also be able to tell you which schools in your area are ASD freindly - some have units attatched to them for this purpose. I'm new to the system and how it all works but I hope this starts to change for you soon as I know how upsetting it is <'>