2pink2blue

Hi, I have no advice but my daughter was very like you describe your son. She would become friendly with someone and then would become totally obbsessive with them and smoother them. So in the end she would lose the friend! We did lots of social stories and talked a lot about what friendship was, how it felt, how it felt to the other person etc. At 10 however she made a friend,a best friend!, and two years on and attending different schools they are still very friendly. She also made new 'best' friends and other friends when she started secondary. It just took time and maturity in the end to be able to deal with the give and take of friendship. If you asked me at 8 if I ever thought she would get there, I probably would have said no!! Keep plugging away and he'll get there. Also keep focusing on the positives, he sounds like he has settled really well with no hitting out and is trying to be a good friend! As the saying goes, keep doing what your doing!

Thanks Kerrie, I used to come to this site a lot when my daughter was undiagnosed and trying to find answers. Always found it a great help, especially when going through the diagnosis process. Toby is the same in that after it has happened he feels sad and wants to make it better. It is getting him to stop when it is happening. At home, seeing the triggers are easier and I can talk to him earlier and talk him through his feelings and more often help him to remain calm and in control. At school the escalation seems to be so quick and Friday a trigger wasn't even spotted but later Toby said it was something that happened on the yard that started a major downward spiral! I hope you get answers to your questions here and the support. Would say that diagnosis was the best thing I did for both my children who have asd's. Sue

I agree there is usually a regression in some areas when new advances are being made, to a lesser extent this can be the same with nt children too and progress still comes in peaks and troughs. Toby has a twin brother so comparisons can be made, we actively try not to but it is almost impossible sometimes! I'm fairly sure some of this 'leaping' is going on with Toby.And I'm so looking forward to the whole puberty thing!!!! We haven't lowered expectations, I don't think anyway. He has been aware of how his behaviour effects others for a while...to a certain extent anyway. We have talked about this with him in the past and when opportunity arises. As you say nothing to heavy! He is able to talk about his emotions and feelings reasonably well a ot lof the time, although this is fast disappearing!! I agree again, a very tough line...it's all a little tough at the moment and I feel like I'm floundering to understand him and help. Yes he has an ability to control himself...it's just very poor!!! This is why I'm so concerned now. I want him to have the best possible future..not one where he does someone some serious damage to someone. Although as pointed out today all his violent actions were not directed at anyone else. He's had a very bad afternoon!!! They were directed firstly at himself and then the objects in the room...throwing but not 'at' anything or anyone, just throwing. He's thrown since before he could walk! When he does hit out it can also be at anyone, no target just who's there, especially if they are holding him. Again I'm not condoning his behaviour or justifying it or think it's ok! None of this is ok!! It's interesting you say none of this is to do with autism...maybe you are right...it has been felt from time to time that something else is going on. Of course, helpfully nobody who raises this suggests what the 'something' is. He has very high anxiety, which when kept to a low level makes life much easier for him to function in every way. Consequences are still in place and consistent. Lots of support and positive feedback...not just family but from lots of staff at school. And he is now on his second exclusion in just over a week.... Having said that we did notice a huge change with his sister from yr 4 up and even now at 12 in the full flush of puberty is doing/coping brilliantly. A light at the end of the tunnel we couldn't always see when she was 8! I'm just at the stage of what happens if this all doesn't work....but we keep going...and going... thanks for the reply! Sue

Firstly I'm sure I'm not doing everything right! If only! But I think the only thing we can do is keep doing it really. Not really seeing another option but will be waiting to see whether CAMHs has anything they can suggest. I don't mind you pointing it out at all, another person to talk things through with is very much appreciated! Thank you. However, things have settled and fingers crossed we have it remain that way. Not surprised the posts seem contradictory really given my state of mind but I was really trying to give more information in the second post. The whole being taken home situation was my suggestion based on what school were telling me and rapidly agreed by school. It was and will hopefully be a one off. Neither school or I want this to be the 'norm'. Also contradictory to my posts is that he has been moved to an older class with a more experienced teacher rather than 1 to 1. Which suggests that they are confident things are more stable, I hope! The calculatedness or pre meditated has come from school, I have little evidence of this at home but I have no reason to not believe the school that this is how he was on Thursday. I find that hard, that's all really. I think you missunderstood me on the sanctions/praise, probably didn't explain myself well! It's not that he doesn't connect the punishment for the crime or the praise for the good behaviour. He knows why he was punished, he knows we are upset and disappointed with him and he is sorry for what he did. This has not always been the case...been quite a long time getting to here. What I feel more is that he isn't able to think he shouldn't do something when he is 'in the moment' when he has 'lost control' or whichever phrase for it you want to use. Also praise tends to be immediate, punishment later. He can take a long time to calm down which may look like his behaviour is more under control than it is?! Or he really was chosing to behave that way, I can't really know. Hard enough when I'm there almost impossible when I'm not. He can't explain other than he wa very angry and was shaking. We have always told him he has the choice to behave how he wants to but in actual fact I'm not sure he has. He has better control now than he did and his sister, 12, has almost total control of herself.But I'm in no way justifying his behaviour to him or anyone else! It is wrong it needs to be corrected and he needs to learn how to be able to do this. I need to learn how best to help him get there. More my post was about understanding and thinking. I know he hates to be held, restraint is only ever used when it has to be but it is necessary and he knows why he is restrained and that it wouldn't happen if he wasn't being violent. He's not given the message that it is ok to headbutt because you don't like being held! I really do hope that the signals we pass to him are the zero tolerance on violence that we hold for all the children. Again I hope this explains more and it really does help to have someone take the time to reply. It stops the thoughts just bouncing round the inside of my head! More if there is something I can learn, do differently or understand about myself to help him then I will. Like I said I'm certain I'm not doing it all right but I am fairly certain I'm doing it wrong consistently Anyway, peace and calm reigns once more for the moment, thanks again, Sue BD

The sanctions are the same as always, loss of time or complete ban on wii, ds, computer etc., taking away pocket money, or whatever matters to him at the time. Sanctions are consistent between me and my husband. They also are the same sanctions he has had for years really, with modifications for his age/interests. There is an element of not being able to see the sanction when he is becoming angry/frustrated/anxious...sanction will still be put into place, zero tolerance for any violent/aggressive behaviour. At school sanctions are similar, missing out or taking out of soft play/football/trips. Sanctions, I feel, only work up to a point with both Toby and his AS sister (and in some respects the rest of the children!) for the reason of problems conecting now with later iyswim! Doesn't mean I don't feel they are needed or important but that they need to be part of a strategy/plan. The decision to bring him home was a joint one with school because of safety, his and others, and his absolute inability to calm down. Not rewarding being off school is difficult. He is not allowed tv etc etc and has to work at home. He normally prefers school to working at home. Was home/schooled for 18 months a while ago. But obviously it is easier for him to be at home, to just 'be' without having to deal with everything else. I honestly do not feel he 'kicked off' to get sent home. He went, firstly because someone stole a ball! and there doesn't seem much more thought process went into anything else other than firstly fighting against being restrained and then hurting because he was hurt. I hope I'm making sense here! Yep he gets positve reinforcement for positive behaviour both from school and home and again as consistent and child orientated as we can make it. He likes praise and knowing that he's done well. What gets me most is that there is nothing I can put my finger on but we get these downward turns for what seems no reason. Some are little blips but this one like last years are so different in feeling. I can't explain this well...and worryingly I don't know what to do to stop it happening again or getting worse.

Hi, A while since I've popped my head in here...busy mostly but also the lasst few months have been quite settled. However, we are back to violent outburst which this time have been seen as calculated. We had a big problem with aggresion and violence almost a year ago now and things were pretty bleak! Not sure how I'm going to cope if we are going back there again. He was sent home from school yesterday, or rather we decided to collect him, school against rewarding outbursts with getting sent home. Today he is back but will be completely 1 to 1 for the safety of everyone involved. Toby is 8 and to think he can be so aggressive is heartbreaking. To know that yesterday it appeared to be pre-meditated and calculated is worse. He has always had trouble controlling his emotions, throwing, head butting, scratching, biting, himself and others but it was very 'in the moment'. It didn't happen often, you could see triggers and get him to calm and stop and think most of the time. This type of behaviour is not tolerated, he doesn't get rewarded for it and he is sometimes sorry. There are times when he feels he was in the right, especially if something was done to him first. I'm not sure what I can do for him now. We have obviously talked to him about yesterday and he has sanctions in place but this obviously isn't working long term. I can feel a difference in him I can't explain but it is exactly how it felt last time and it is not a cycle I want to repeat. Any advice would be great, anyone going through similar would be good too. Would like to add, Toby can be lovely and at home things are not (as yet) difficult and he has improved in many respects this year including self awreness and responsibility over his own actions. Thanks for reading, feeling a little lost and not really seeing a way forward, Sue

He is only 7 but is very high functioning and aware of his autism. We have had a really difficult period of about 6 months with him, which in the last 2 months seems to have settled down. It did seem like he was depressed during this time, certainly very unhappy/angry. His anxiety levels are always high!! I'm thinking there may be an anxiety disorder going on to. Just waiting to see what is said today and take it from there. He does seem to like this school and said it's because they like him there, which is lovely and heartbreaking all at once. He's had a lot to deal with really and I wish I could make it all easier for him.

DS1 has been at his new special school since January. Having been out of school for year before this he has settled very well for the most part. The teacher however thinks there is something going on as well as the autism. The 'something' that was mentioned was possible chemical imbalance. Have had a look on google but it all seems a bit vague. Does anyone have this dx as an additional problem? Or indeed know what I'm talking about? I think there is 'something else' too but can't put my finger on what that something is. His teacher say she can see the autism but can see/feel something else too. The ed psych will be in to see him shortly and we have a parents afternoon coming up but thought I would have a bit of a look into things beforehand. Thanks for any info/advice, sue

Will pm you, thanks!

My son is currently attending a mainstream primary school part time and is being home schooled for the rest of the school day. This has been going on for a while following a complete break from school for a term. Following his annual review meeting today the topic of dual placement has been raised which I'm really keen at looking into. Does anyone have any experience, good or bad, of getting and working with dual placement? I do not see a time where he will cope in his mainstream primary full time so we need to be looking at the best way of meeting his needs and our needs as a family. I could carry on home schooling if this turns out to be the best option but it isn't something I really want to do long term. I'm also not against him going to a special school full time if that was a better way of meeting his needs....I'm just not sure what really would be best for him!!!! Any help would be very much appreciated!

Ok yes I understand now. The advice when he wasn't progressing was to agree with our removal of him from school. He is starting to progress again now but the level that was originally set for his academic and his physical needs were too high. Mostly the statement isn't a problem but it needs a bit of updating ashe got the statement in reception and doesn't 'fit' him anymore. The overall provision etc in the statement isn't a problem. The only issue is where we want things to go from February as that is when the next annual review is set. The school are happy to support whatever decision we come to as we are all working for ds's best interests...something I'm so grateful for as I know we have been really lucky with how much support we have received from them. The problem from here is working out just what is best for him....

Lizzie, thanks so much for doing your sons story...it really is that kind of experience that helps! Have been in and had a chat with both the Head and his class teacher with a view to how they thought the meeting went and what next. I know I am really lucky but I really do have a wonderfully supportive school which really helps. So the Head and I are going to look at what is available whilst looking into dual placement too. Dh and I are really going to look at whether home ed is the way to go and for how long etc. Meanwhile ds spent a whole afternoon in school on Monday had a great time and had his first playtime in longer than I can remember...so we'll see if this continues to go well. So no further forward but a good look at the options may give us a clearer picture before the next review in February. Thanks again Lizzie!

By bandings I meant academic from B to C etc etc..not exactly sure what you mean.

The placement will stay the same until February as his statement won't change significantly this time although we are including evidence to change some of the bandings. So currently the advice is for him to stay in mainstream. However, I fully beleive I will have the support of everyone present yesterday if we decide that mainstream isn't the place for him to be. I think you are right Kazzen about knowing what is out there. I just whole heartedly believed that mainstream schooling was in his best interests until yesterday and something just feels different. I'm hoping that we can prove it isn't working before we get to anything like it was before and actually even though it is working at the moment it isn't right. It is so difficult to explain what I mean and I'm not sure as yet as to who I share these thoughts with to get the best advice.

Thanks for the replies. To be honest I don't as yet know what is available for him so will need to have a good look round. I don't think there is an ASD unit attatched to a mainstream school within the LEA and the closest out of area would mean too much travelling everyday even if it was appropriate. I'm willing to visit schools and to see what is likely to meet his needs the best, I'm also willing to consider full time home ed. Up until this point I thought mainstream and his current school could work for him. He has already fallen apart hence the withdrawl at Easter but we still considered his school as the best place to return to when he was able to manage. Now I'm really not sure. I will give the extra session in school a go, at the moment he is coping and it will be ok for the moment anyway but I'm not sure whether it is worth making him cope iyswim! Ultimately I want what is best for him....I just wish I knew what that was!!!