Retreat

hi there, I am new here, but I want to say that to some extent I know what you feel, I have neither a diagnosis for myself or my son, only an informal assessment of myself so far. I know, the more that I read about it all I don't need an assessment for myself. I thought I would feel relieved but it has come as a shock to me too. Especially as I am 53 years of age. I went through with this assessment because I was getting no where with the local Camhs. I feel I need a diagnosis for my son who is housebound and becoming more withdrawn as time moves on. Life, to say the least has been very difficult for me. I have two grown up children both with mental health issues. I wish that we had known about this when they were young, I swear that they are on the spectrum too. I want to say now, to begin with try to embrace what you know. It is surely better than not knowing. Also, I was wondering, does J know about this diagnosis? I don't mean to be nosey, but at some point I might have to tell my son and I am just wondering how on earth I am going to do this. We are only at the very beginning of that road with our son so any advice would be much welcomed. Take each day as it comes, that's what I am doing at present. Best Wishes and good luck in the future. ~ Retreat

Hi again, Well it is very telling isnt it, this being protective almost to being suffocated and then escape. I think that is the same reason why I got married so young to my first husband. I couldn't have made a worse choice. My first husband was violent so I got out of that one quickly although I was left to cope with two small children under 5. I met my present husband, I am sure now, on the rebound as it were. I had never lived alone until I divorced my first husband. so I really found it very difficult. I look back now to thinking why I found it hard. Well, I had no support from anyone. I did manage quite well as a single mum although money was tight. The worst thing I found back then was the isolation. I felt so bleak. I literally was in my own little prison once the children went to bed. I had no phone even in those days so I felt really bad. It's no wonder I leapt at having someone else around, someone else to help with the children, to talk to, even if it was a difficult relationship in the end I certainly needed someone at the time to see me through. It certainly wasn't a marriage made in heaven! I keep wondering how long it will take me to come to terms with my new idea of myself, I do hope it isn't too long because I am finding the whole process quite scary and mentally exhausting. You see there was never any mention of anything like this when I was growing up so neither of my parents ever knew. It seems so peculiar to be saying this. Neither of them are around anymore. It seems strange to come to terms with a person (myself) that they never really knew. For years I have been putting on a face as it were. Instinctively you try to fit in. The hardest thing for me to realise is that I probably never did. All that stress and effort only to realise the rest of the world still saw through the act of trying to be the same. I suppose that's why I feel so angry now. I think, I wish I hadn't bothered.. Now I am just so determined to find and be myself. Better late than never I suppose. Well, thanks again for writing, it really, really does help. Cheers ~ Retreat.

[color="#0000FF]How we view ourselves, well there's a good question and how we come across to others. Well for me, I think it has been the opposite. I have found that I walked around half my life trying too hard to be nice. Walking around with a big smile on my face. Just recently that smile has gone. I am now quite fed up with making all the effort. I can't tell you how it makes me feel, it is very strange! The realism part I really understand. In my effort to be friendly my brain can often make the most ridiculous connections regarding the future of a relationship. My mind could have it all sewn up and then I am left telling myself - what a fool! to even be thinking in that way. I have to put my brain on pause these days until the logical side of me kicks in. I don't know if there are any others who have this problem? It is for this reason that I do have really big issues myself with making friends, I feel that the only people I can connect to are those with a similar interest, but even that is not a sure fail proof way. I get mixed signals I cannot understand other peoples intentions. One day they'll be a manual for people like us, I live in hope. So tell me Tally, this therapist who knows about AS is it private or was it just good luck, I just wondered because I do think that ordinary CBT only skims the surface of what we need as very special individuals? I am also in a very difficult relationship. I did escape from it for a while a couple of years back and then I found myself back in it. I've had a very rocky marriage and I have struggled with my own issues but I do believe that he has his own issues too. I know that although my AS has made things hard for me, so has he! So I have had to deal with all sorts of complexities in the whole family set up. I am seriously thinking about a permanent seperation in the future but I must wait till I feel strong enough to see it through this time. I think as individuals, we are often wide open to abuse from others. I have lived all my life feeling vulnerable. There is no help out there for people like us, how do you leave a marriage when it all becomes so messy! When the other person will hold on for dear life and make things so hard for the children in order to stay put. I have felt trapped in my marriage for years and the only reason why I didn't continue being seperated, it greives me to admit it, is that living apart was worse for our son. He was being manipulated by my husband and that kind of thing is torture to both of us. When parents split they can get nasty, they can become spiteful in words if not in deeds. How to deal with all this, the mind games, well, I looked at it being the lesser of the two evils. Now I am not so sure. I worried for our son and his mental health, I wanted out but couldn't go through with it. I felt so vulnerable but I didn't understand why. Now I know, at some point in the future, I think that I will be able to make that break. I am just bideing my time for that moment when it all becomes clear what to do, then I will do it. Your frankness about your relationship in your message has made me realise that I can work this thing out and it has really helped me to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you. Cheers ~ Retreat [/color]

Glad I am not alone, although tell me, how much of your feelings of failure come from your own thinking and how much come from what other's say to you? Thinking through my CBT what is the answer? I don't know. Cheers ~ Retreat

Flora, this all makes absolute sense to me. I was just having a discussion with my own grown up daughter and another thing that came up along similar lines is the way my own mother was with me when I was growing up: She was very protective over me. Now I know that she wasn't like this with my older brother and sister and I know that some might say it is natural for the youngest. However, I do believe now that she sensed that I was more vulnerable, it didn't really do me any favours because eventually I had to get out there and live without her but I wonder if this kind of parenting happens much amongst AS sufferers. There is probably going to be a big debate someday as to whether we allow our kids to mix with others when they can be so vulnerable. I'm not sure if this is a subject that should be looked at but coming from someone who has lived with this condition all my life and knowing how I have had difficulties with people who can often take advantage of me, I wonder how kids cope with it all in the real world of today, it is after all a harder world than I grew up in. There you are Flora, I have done the rambling instead. See if you can decifer that lot, lol. No seriously, I think that you are right. Parents who have this condition are most probably subconsciously aware of the difficulties that children have whereas a NT Parent wouldn't be so tuned in as you say. Well, that's my thoughts anyway Thanks for chipping in, more discussion really is helping me at present. Cheers ~ Retreat

Hi there, I am so glad that someone has talked about this. I wish I had realised that I could have done this before I removed my son from his school. No one tells you that you can do this and it's not surprising that many don't when the Police have that first initial reaction. I used to work in schools as a teacher and I can honestly say that if most parents knew what went on they certainly wouldn't be sending their children in every day. It's no wonder so many people grow up and have mental health issues. It's like sending them in to a Lions den everyday. This would stress out even the strongest child. I was told by the deputy head/school welfare, that my son would have to learn to rub shoulders with other children in state schools, Huh! Right. I never told him I used to be a teacher, perhaps I should have, I wonder if I might have been treated differently. He didn't say anything about being bitten and bruised by the other children. I believe if someone was to do a study to see how much of this abuse goes on they would say that it is slowly reaching to be an epidemic. I think that we should shout it from the roof tops, if your child is bullied go to the Police! We need to changed this perception that children don't have the same rights! I couldn't agree more! Bw ~ Retreat

Hi, I am new here and new to AS in as much as the knowledge for myself and my three children, who all have/had issues. My other two are fully grown now but still have problems and as you may have read on my intro I have only just discovered that I have lived for over half a century without realising that I have AS. I can totally sympathise with you trying to cope with two on the Spectrum. I never knew what on earth was going on with my two eldest when they were growing up. I used to think that they would both be happier if I could cut myself down the middle and share me out so to speak. The attention thing is so hard to deal with and by the time you figure it all out they will probably be grown up too. It is attention seeking in it's own way, but as one person suggested it is probably sensory overload too. I suppose it is a bit like giving a huge box of sweets to two children and then expect them to ration them out for the week between them with no guidelines or advice on how to do it. All I can say, is when you have had the chance to calm down, try to do a little analytical work and see if you can recollect what triggered all the behaviour. Forewarned is forearmed so if you can avoid some of the things next time you might be a little less stressed at the end. The other suggestion that was made was to take them somewhere, where they could do no harm and let off steam, I think that is favourite personally. Well, that is just my two penneth, I thought although I am new to AS I would answer this mail because I am certainly not new to parenting, for better or worse so to speak. Wish you better days in the future. Bw ~ Retreat

Hi Bid, Thanks for your recommendation. I have just popped over to my library online to order it. It isn't in there stocks but I have been able to put in a suggestion and it says they will let me know when it arrives. I am obviously doing a lot of reading around the subject at present and I am half way through Tony Attwoods complete guide. As another Women, how have you found your relationships, if you don't mind my asking. Or indeed if any other women out there would like to tell me how they have found it. As a wife and mother I have found that my life has been a constant roller coaster of emotions and conflict. The worst of it is the self doubt. What do others think about this? Have you found being a parent hard? I'd be very interested to know, also, do you think it is hard/harder being a parent with AS and also parenting a child with AS. Sometimes I find it easier to understand my children and sometimes I feel that my husband just doesn't understand any of us. All replies to these questions would be appreciated. I just want to get a feel for what causes all my problems, whether it is the AS or whether it is just life? If I haven't said it already, it is great to be part of this very friendly forum and thanks everyone who has replied already. Cheers ~ Retreat.

Hi Tally, Thanks for your advice, it is most welcomed. The more I read about this condition the more I realise that this is exactly the problem, that there is not enough known about it. There are the stereotyped ideas of what it is, yes, when I was teaching I thought that I knew what Aspergers was all about. I thought I could almost recognise it in others. This seems crazy now, how can I recognise it in others and not myself? This is the big question. Now I am in the most unfavourable situation where I feel I am trying to reinvent myself as a person. I don't know who I am. My whole perception of the world has schewed. It has been more obvious to me because of coming off these tablets after 12 years. Suddenly I have come face to face with this person from over a decade ago! It has been a very scary journey, after all I have lived more than half a lifetime with this condition and I am still finding it so hard. I am trying to juggle all sorts of feelings and I also have a very unhappy family, the youngest who is still suffering. I have been through cognitive behavioural therapy a few years ago and although I have seen some of it's benefits, it was obviously not aimed at someone with Aspergers, if you know what I mean. Its ok to tell someone who has depression that they are seeing most of the world in a negative way but if in the same therapy you are told to dismiss your feelings that tell you that others see you differently then how does that work? It really is peculiar because CBT presumes that the depressed person is a negative person, I have never really considered myself to be negative even though I get depressed. I am however a person who ruminates and that is something that I have to work on; how you are meant to do that when you are trying to work out all these issues, goodness only knows but I will try. Now it all seems clear to me why I have so few friends I used to blame it on moving around a lot, I used to keep in touch via the telephone once or twice a year with very old friends, but now I have come back home I have realised that my friends all have their own lives and have very little interest in mine. It can be a very lonely life when you have this condition, I wonder how many others feel this way? Well, thanks again for your advice, I do appreciate all replies, especially at the moment! Cheers ~ Retreat Hi Tally, Thanks for your advice, it is most welcomed. The more I read about this condition the more I realise that this is exactly the problem, that there is not enough known about it. There are the stereotyped ideas of what it is, yes, when I was teaching I thought that I knew what Aspergers was all about. I thought I could almost recognise it in others. This seems crazy now, how can I recognise it in others and not myself? This is the big question. Now I am in the most unfavourable situation where I feel I am trying to reinvent myself as a person. I don't know who I am. My whole perception of the world has schewed. It has been more obvious to me because of coming off these tablets after 12 years. Suddenly I have come face to face with this person from over a decade ago! It has been a very scary journey, after all I have lived more than half a lifetime with this condition and I am still finding it so hard. I am trying to juggle all sorts of feelings and I also have a very unhappy family, the youngest who is still suffering. I have been through cognitive behavioural therapy a few years ago and although I have seen some of it's benefits, it was obviously not aimed at someone with Aspergers, if you know what I mean. Its ok to tell someone who has depression that they are seeing most of the world in a negative way but if in the same therapy you are told to dismiss your feelings that tell you that others see you differently then how does that work. It really is peculiar because CBT presumes that the depressed person is a negative person, I have never really considered myself to be negative even though I get depressed. I am however a person who ruminates and that is something that I have to work on; how you are meant to do that when you are trying to work out all these issues, goodness only knows but I will try. Now it all seems clear to me why I have so few friends I used to blame it on moving around a lot, I used to keep in touch via the telephone once or twice a year with very old friends, but now I have come back home I have realised that my friends all have their own lives and have very little interest in mine.

Thanks for saying hi, nice to meet you too. It's good to know that I am not alone in all this, the planet is a big place and to be the only one would be torment. So thanks for connecting with me. It is good to hear what others are saying too. so I don't feel as though I am going crazy. Cheers ~ Retreat

Thank you so much for your very honest, frank and kind reply Cheryl, it helps to know that I am not alone on this journey. My son had difficulties at Primary but boy I didn't expect what would happen when he got to Secondary School. It completely crushed him and I do believe that if I hadn't taken him out when I did he would have been scarred for life, if he isn't already! Believe it or not, I used to teach in my son's old secondary school up north, but back then I was still on medication; it's hard to recognise the person I was back then. The medication helped to control my nerves a little but I was still not right and I ended up having a break down. Stress is a killer, I believe, especially to Aspies. Well, the problem began with my son when we moved back down south, the culture is so different down here. My husband and I came from the south originally so we didn't think that it would be so bad, but during the years that we have been away it has changed beyond all recognition. The schools in this part of the south are like very unfriendly jungles and that is putting it politely. My son came home with bruises after being bitten! and talked of being set upon by other children, three at a time! This happened in the classroom as well as in the playground! Where were the teachers, whilst all this was happening? The school, in my opinion needs closing down. It's like gang warfare, and I am not joking. The headteacher I found to be very ignorant, as an ex teacher myself I really didn't expect to find all this down here. I never told them that I used to teach and so I saw it all as any other parent would. The school was on the list for closure if they didn't raise their results, that sounds so funny when I say this after all we encountered. Results! results? huh, what do these matter when children are suffering? Sorry, but it makes me see red. I will never regret taking my son out of school and I would urge others to do the same if this sort of thing happens to them. I never took my eldest out, when I look back I do believe he would have been so much better off. I suppose, with age comes some experience. Anyway, I have rambled for too long about this but I am so glad to be speaking with others on this forum, I don't feel so alone. Thanks again for your reply Cheryl. Cheers ~ Retreat

Thanks Chris, The more I speak to people the more I realise how many of us there are. Do you or anyone else think the reason for this silent epidemic is due to the services being unwilling to help so many? It seems to me that everyone in the mental health services tries not to 'label' this is all I have heard, or it's too early to diagnose. I am keeping my fingers crossed when it comes to what i think is a breakthrough recently but I must admit to feeling very unsure as only a couple of weeks ago I had resistance on this matter. So Chris, have you found your relationships difficult, if you don't mind my asking? I certainly have. I wonder how many others like myself have struggled with relationships. Well, thanks for the friendly reply Chris. It would be nice to hear other's views too. ~ Retreat

Hi everyone, I have only just come on here tonight, only read one or two posts. I wonder if anyone can tell me how many people in one family can have aspergers or be on the spectrum? I have had problems myself for years. I met someone from the Autistic Trust local to me who made an informal assessment on me and it looks as though it all indicates that I have been walking around for over 50 years with Aspergers without realising it. I've been doing a lot of reading and I realise now that it is not uncommon for women of my age to go undiagnosed. It has hit me very much with mixed feelings, I thought I would just feel relief, now I feel very angry too. I have been on anti depressants for the best part of 12 years, recently decided to quit them, it's took me a year to do this. I know that some of my mood swings may be down to withdrawal, but I am wondering how much of it is really me? I know I used to get like this before taking the tablets. I used to blame it on PMT. I have only just explored the idea of Aspergers due to the fact that all my children have had problems and now my youngest aged 14 has severe problems and has not been at school for the last 2 years due to severe bullying. My eldest had allsorts of problems when he was growing up and he is now 34 years old. He was diagnosed about 18 months ago with bipolar disorder. I'm now wondering if they have this right. My daughter who is 33 has also had problems which include social phobia and aneorexia. Can anybody tell me if they think all of this could be related. Related to the spectrum? I do have autism in the family, my cousins son is severly autistic and is not capable of self care at all. I am now in the process of trying to get help for my 14year old. Camhs are involved and are beginning to take me seriously, I think. I have always found life difficult as a parent and wife. There have been many conflicts within the relationships and I can no longer work because of stress and anxiety, both my son and myself have virtually withdrawn from the world. I do go out but it is minimal and only with my husband. I am in counselling but it is group therapy which was arranged before I discovered Aspergers about myself. I am finding group therapy very difficult and often feel it hard to keep my emotions intact. Any help or advice or just a friendly hello would be very much appreciated as I am in the process of turmoil and transition at the moment and desperately need a friend who understands. I look forward hopefully to your replies. Thanks and regards and best wishes ~ Retreat