Well, there is a reason I joined this forum, so I suppose the time has come to talk about myself.
I'll start with the basics... I'm a 23 year old male, living with my parents in Lincolnshire. I'm currently out of work (doh!) but have decided that now is the time to take action on my mental health.
I wrote a huge story earlier but will just give you the gist of it now (EDIT - actually, it's still pretty huge, I'll end up summarising it shortly I think).
When I was a lot younger, I was classed as 'gifted' by my first school. They couldn't believe that I was able to read by myself before I even started school. I also have it on good authority from my parents that I was *very* quiet as a child. I have a sister, who seems to be the opposite of me. She seeks attention, I just want to be happy.
Anyway, it was noted (I've been through my old school reports) that I was excellent academically, but had 'childish' motor ability, and wasn't interested in team activities. This is obviously something that's carried on, as I never learned to ride a bike (I rarely admit it in public, it leads to ridicule).
We ended up moving house shortly after, and I ended up at a primary school, where I also did very well educationally. However, at this school, I was bullied quite a lot, and received a bit more 'attention' from teachers. On one occasion, despite me being the tallest in the school by a clear foot at this point, I was picked up and put into a bin, when a teacher left the room for approximately 10 minutes. Obviously when the teacher came back I was distraught. However, somehow I ended up being to blame. My teacher said that I seemed to 'alienate' others. I was basically branded anti-social, which left me even more distraught - why was I being blamed? I wasn't the one putting other children into bins.
Anyway, things remained pretty much the same until I started secondary school. I did very well (as was expected of me) in my 11+ exam (it was a selective, all boys Grammar school I went to). I was the top at my old school for Spelling (don't think I actually got any spellings wrong in any test in that school), and was also top for handwriting for my last 2 years. Mind you, it took me about 30 minutes to write 5 lines.
So far, so fairly good. I was doing well at school academically, but clearly had some issues when it came to social and physical behaviour. Not in a damaging sense to other people, more 'unusual'. Not fitting in with all the other students.
I joined the Grammar school, and it was immediately apparent that something was wrong. I can't say why, all I know is that I went from a student who was predicted straight A's as soon as he walked through the door, to someone who found himself on the highest grade of report card. They had different colours - Green was 'a problem, but under control', Yellow was 'daily visit with head of year', and Red (which I was promptly put on) was 'visit with head of year 3 times a day'.
The problems I had weren't related to my behaviour towards others in a disruptive sense. Basically I found myself unable to do the work. An issue I had (and this will either sound really stupid, or you might relate?!) is that I had a SERIOUS issue with perfection. This wasn't a problem at Primary school, as I said, I excelled in the work there, and rarely involved more than a single page of text. However my problem was as follows - if I made ONE mistake on a piece of work, the whole piece went in the bin. Doesn't matter what the mistake was. Also, I had to keep ALL of my page formatting the same on hand written work - so if I changed the way I wrote the heading on a piece of paper, I'd destroy all the previous work, and rewrite it in the amended form.
I've never told anyone this until now, and it's a trait I carry on to this day. Take my CD collection. I don't know how many times I've duplicated my CD collection, I HAVE to keep things in a certain order, normally also colour coded, labelled in a certain way - and if for some reason the order/colour/label has to change, I start again, even if it means throwing away perfectly good material.
Obviously this couldn't be kept up for very long in a good secondary school, and my grades slipped, my work wasn't getting handed in on time (if at all), and no-one could understand why - and because I was no good at communicating, I couldn't tell them. I've always been ridiculously shy. I've been told to enter someones classroom on occasions to ask a teacher if I can borrow say a book, and I've instead 'gone missing'. I really couldn't handle meeting new people, and it's still something I struggle with. I find it impossible to look people in the eyes properly. One the one occasion I tried it at school, a teacher accused me of trying to 'stare them out'. If I look people in the eye, I don't know what I'm supposed to look at, or what I'm supposed to expect. So I spend most of my time looking into the sky or at the floor. I can't even make eye-contact with my parents. Instead I look at them in the chin. It sounds really daft, but it's true.
There came a point where I ended up, with 3 other people in the school, being referred to an 'Educational Psychiatrist / Psychologist' (can't remember which it was). Either way, the school was really well regarded for academic excellence, but until I started, they didn't have anything like this. I was put onto Educational Special Needs (SEN?), but can't remember which level. To be fair though, I don't remember it helping at all because I didn't open up to the lady and tell her what I was going through, so it was never going to make a big difference.
We ended up having some form IQ tests (I really don't know why, it was pinned up in the form room, this was a very 'target driven' secondary school), and while I don't remember the exact score, at the age of 15 it was 150+. It was actually embarrassing, because it raised some unusual questions from other students. They all knew I was having issues with work, so having my supposed 'ability' plastered on the wall really didn't help matters. 'You aren't stupid, so why not just do the work' being a good example.
Somehow the situation progressed to me seeing my GP (a fantastic doctor), and I had an interview with him. All I remember is that he was constantly making notes on the dictaphone basically after every sentence we shared together. Nothing came of it that I recall. No diagnosis or anything like that.
I ended up sitting most of my GCSEs, I dropped one subject (Design / Technology), which to be fair was incredibly boring anyway. I was assured, when I started, that it would be things like 'building a go-kart'. Instead, it was 'making an automata out of MDF'.
At the end of that, I ended up with 11x GCSE, 9xB and 2xC. I was surprised really, because I spent most of my exams having panic attacks. During the exams themselves. In a room, with strict silence, where I was afraid to make any outward sign of my problem. I'm sure I passed out in at least one exam. But somehow, I came through it, and while the grades were not as well as I was predicted originally, I could at least be happy that they were all passing grades.
I ended up going to a local college after this (I think the school had enough of trying to work out what was up with me, despite me reaching their 5xB entry requirements for 6th form / A Level study). I initially signed up to do Maths and Physics at AS/A2 level, and Computing at AVCE level.
I'll cut a long story short - after 3 years of college study, I had 2 x AS levels at Grade D in Computing and Geography. Nowhere near what I was predicted, as usual.
I'll apologise for the length of the story, I probably ought to start wrapping it up. Basically, since about the age of 12/13, it's been apparent to myself that I've been different to others. Not necessarily in a bad way - just a different way. The issues with eye-contact, complete lack of confidence and lack of social skills. These have obviously been the same issues I'd had since childhood, but it wasn't until 12/13 that I began to think of myself as 'different'.
It's come to the point now where I've spent the last 10 years not dealing with it - just floating along. It's not been easy - trying to hold down jobs when you can't make eye-contact is pretty hard. I think people just take me at face value, which is no doubt 'he's a bit... odd', but I really want to work out what it is that has caused all this. I'm not moving forward at all. I'm not independent, don't drive, can't ride a bike (aged 23), and can't see things getting any better unless I find out what is actually 'going on'.
One of the reasons the possibility of autism came up was actually because I know someone who I've talked to online for several years, who it turns out has Asperger's. I mentioned this in front of the parents (well, I mentioned I'd been talking to a friend online with an Autistic condition), and my dad seemed shocked. I then took an online AQ test, and came back as 41/50.
I don't know what came of the meetings with the GP, with the meetings with the Educational Psychiatrist. I can only assume my parents were informed of something, and for some reason haven't told me. I really don't want to put them on the spot though, and they have quite enough problems without me digging for information about my past.
Physically, I do have some unusual symptoms, which could be anything. I've got a repetitive problem where I have to keep swallowing to clear my ear(s), normally my left ear. I swallow so frequently, and so hard, that my mouth aches. I also can't tolerate not having a clear nose, and blow it so hard, so frequently, and (sorry!) pick it, to the point where I normally have at least one nose-bleed a day. I even had an ingrown toenail that I hid from my parents for 5 years, until one day, after a bit of an 'episode', I went to the doctors myself, and they couldn't believe I'd not seen them sooner. I was so ashamed of having one done before, I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone I needed the other one doing.
Something which has become more pronounced (I don't recall them occuring at school, and if they did, they were not as severe) are 'tics', especially when I'm put on the spot with something. If someone asks me a question, or I have to communicate say in a shop but don't feel confident, I end up stuttering a bit and shaking. I honestly don't remember doing this at a younger age.
So... I'm thinking of seeing my GP, and perhaps a psychiatrist. Is that the right way to start?
Do my experiences above seem to tally with any form of Autistic disorder (assuming that's the polite name for it?)
Even if it's not something related to autism, I'd like some closure, but just wondered if anyone could relate to my experiences, and whether or not they sound remotely like autism (although very mild I imagine, compared to many).
Many thanks,
Ben
