Jump to content

dekaspace

Members
  • Content Count

    148
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by dekaspace

  1. Hmm that brings up questions for me since I piled on the pounds after always being thin 3 and a half(almost 4 ) years ago at the same time when aspartame became common in soft drinks, before that my weight would fluctuate but I would be slightly underweight or slightly overweight by a few pounds when now im 4-6 stone overweight. For about the last 4 months I have been buying brand name soft drinks and making an effort to drink stuff without aspartame and my weight stuck without going up like it used to but started drinking aspartame products in the last week and gained about 5 pounds despite relatively starving food wise.
  2. Sorry a bit tipsy/drunk at the moment, I am 27 years old and only had 1 girlfriend in my life as I cannot pick up signals even if a girl is shoving her boobs in my face and grinding since sometimes I have tried to make a move after they did that and been pushed a way and/or called a loser or given the loser gesture and had another person laugh and say she was winding me up. Anyway. Met her just over a month ago and she was always giggly and "common" and she came up to my bedroom a few times to ask silly things like did I have any toilet roll, did I have the spare chair from living room, and when they had a night out planned twice both times she knocked on my door and kept pestering me until I came out, I remember even saying my shirt wasnt ironed so she took my shirt and ironed it for me! She doesnt live here btw, shes friends with my flatmate. At my flatmates 21st she seemed to be joking and flirting pestering me to come out and saying she wanted to grind with me on the dancefloor, but when I went out she didnt come near me. Went out with her and flatmate and some other people tonight and the lads went to another pub when I was in the toilet(not intentional as they rang me to say where they were going) and when I couldnt find them she came up to me and said the guys had already left and I could go with her to the club. When I got to the club she vanished again but went to smoking area about a hour later(I dont smoke but didnt want to be alone on dancefloor) and she was there and joking and talking to me again. Same thing another hour later, but she came back into club with me and grabbed my arm and said I had to help her down stairs, and kept talking to me. Then when we went home she grabbed my arm and locked hers into it again and started saying what a wonderful guy I was and I am letting people walk all over me since my flatmate hasnt paid his share of his bills yet(which he did the day before) and saying what a sweet guy I am, and I am a gentleman and saying she planned to have a house party with her flatmates and did I want to come, but to stop off at my house first as her flatmates had left some booze there earlier. On the way she got a bit paranoid and started talking to her friends saying that she is upset she has a reputation since 3 years ago when she was 17 she slept with about 8 guys in 8 months and people spread rumours about her and she wasnt a slag etc. I dont know if this girl likes me, if shes insecure or she likes me because I am a safety net since I am a nice guy and wont mess her around.
  3. I keep hearing family and friends recommend this so started taking it Wednesday, not sure if it was the placebo effect or that I had about 3 large cappucinos at a cafe before(normally dont touch coffee or caffene) but I strated getting really knocked out around 9 or 10pm to the point I was almost sick then I came down, kinda like a milder version of smoking a few puffs of a joint. I then felt a bit not happier but lke the stress was there still but not getting to me as much, still felt low but was able to watch tv easier and even at one point didnt bother with pc for a hour and just laid back. I still went to bed late at 4am but nroamlly its scattered as late as 8am though most nights around 4-5am, right now I feel like before my depresion i.e I now feel tired and want to go to bed, this morning woke up after just over 8 hours sleep and jumped out of bed, sleep was less disturbed though I woke up when I did I felt like I should stay awake etc. I dont feel any mentally different just the physical is making the psychological "easier" Just wanting some more info on the effects or people with experiences with 5HTP.
  4. The thing is though this runs on my dads side of the family in all the males but not females, my dad has more of a commercial premonition thing and can predict say 3 or more years before a song or band comes out the name of a song, the style of the song, when it reaches number one(give or take a week or two) and the amount of time it stays at number one, and that certain movies/shows will be remade years before the producers plan it etc. My Deja Vu is hard to explain, as often when I get it, I get a thumping chest pain and feel dizzy and my body sort of moves on its own as if its pre planned and I get bad heartburn, and the thing is I am doing things bit by bit as in the dream, and as I say its not somewhere I have been before, family has been, has been on news or anything so iits EXACTLY how it is in my dream, I can only remember snippets of my dreams but i remember things like this a lot as back when I used to get these premonitions I used to wake up dizzy and unable to move with a thumping chest. I also have to be careful around metal things in everyday life, as I get electric shocks easily, even wearing a metal watch gives me a slight static current and stops the watch, and going into a shop which has metal things in front of the cd and dvd trays shocks me and it hurts.
  5. I just thought I would add this here since it may be something to do with my aspergers. I am very tuned in to things like the weather, even if I wake up and feel like I havent slept I know its raining outside, likewise if its raining then brightens up I suddenly feel more normal, I also feel the heat very easily people assume its because I am currently fat but even when I was thin and underweight people would tell me they are freezing and I would be mildly sweating and people would tell me I stank even if only just out of the shower. As for the premonitions I generally mean personal incidents like I would dream I was a certain height and weight, waering certain clothes, walking a certain street(of a town where I have never been before often on other end of country) and a certain car of a certain colour would pass and I would be standing on a certain street corner at a certain angle etc. EVERY ONE came true even as much as say 15 years later(maybe more) but as I lost my innocence due to depression etc every year since I was 15 I have had less and less of them to the point now I have none. Looking back a lot wouldnt of made sense so I dismissed them, my most recent flashback to a premoniton was tonight and as I say it would of made no sense a s a kid, a small widescreen tv(I didnt know they existed till I was around 18), a dvd recorder(recent technology), a Gamecube, dvds and me in a small room where it has a pc with a flat screen and 2 doors instead of 1 for an exit. Why do I get these sort of premonitions or glimpses of the future?
  6. Hmm can someone enlighten me, it mentions in article about the son having a slighly enlarged head in early developnment, when I was a kid I had a large head till I was young and was constantly ill with breathing problems and was reffered to Great Ormond Street but before I could be seen I just got better, head went down to normal size etc. I have been told by various people now im 27 that I have signs of being on autistic scale as have had social interaction problems entire life(and only ever had 1 girlfriend) but say its likely aspergers but thinking back could the head of been a sign of autistic problems or is it more medical i.e the brain was having wrong amounts of fluid and oxygen so affected later development etc.
  7. Have been but they took me off for not replying to a letter they sent(which never arrived nor I knew about!) Theres many other factors, I have like 2 friends in the world both with similar symptoms, one gets dla and carers allowance, one is 24 and still a virgin and never had a girlfriend etc. I generally am very picky about everything to almost a OCD level, hate others company but get lonely, find it almost impossible to make friends and keep on getting called a freak even when randomly walking down the road with people who I have never met, I have very specialised interests such as reading comic books, building pcs, playing rpgs and hate socialising but get depressed as I dont do it. I am a bit of a cross between Leonard and Sheldon from Big Bang, I have Sheldons view on the world but the niceness and shyness of Leonard i.e I cannot detect sarcasm, or if someone likes me and can start a conversation and go on for hours about my feelings etc, I also only wear like 2 sets of clothes and the same socks as I wash them every day or two as dont see the need for loads of clothes and get emotionally upset if I lose a pair of socks. I stutter a lot and cannot form words in my brain but have a high IQ, I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid(though neve got followed up and forgotten about) and despite being 26 am stuck as a teenager and hate growing older and wish I was still at school and get hyper and jump up and down.
  8. Just thought I would update, I only found out a few months ago after a uni assessment that they thought I had Aspergers, then my Literature teacher who is an ex primary teacher who didnt know about the assessment told me he had concerns I had aspergers, then I got some freebies from freecycle and was late and told the guy I have a bad memory and timekeeping and he mentioned I remind him of his daugher who has aspergers as I have the same mannerisms and this was without telling him I had disabilities. My cousin is a schoolteacher and says I have the signs of it, but just went for a interview at jobcentre as im signing on till I restart uni(if I do as have to do first year again at new uni) and she said I am definately on the autism spectrum but need fully assessed and again there is a long waiting list. So a bit more discussion on me from members would be appreciated!
  9. Guess everyone forgot mine 2 weeks ago lol
  10. Kinda ironic since my downstairs neighbour complains about me making the slightest creak of the floorboard but he wont come out and confront my new neighbours who arrived back at exactly 2am drunk, then brought their friends round and are running up and down the row and up and down steps and have chucked and smashed plates dangerously downstairs, I think they might of thought about either breaking in or causing me hassle earlier as when they arrived they walked up to my window(my flat is on the end so they have no excuse) and started muttering something about me.I cant tell if they are in the flat or at front as all I can hear is clapping, yelling and grunting I had this problem at my last flat. Like anyone I am a good person and have a highist tolerance, I can handle hearing people tlak through walls as long as I cant hear their conversations or if they yell or such.
  11. It isnt the washing machine as much as the vibrations it makes, especially when on spin I do sleep through it but when the drum speeds up and rattles I hear it and it wakes me but I doze off seconds later so its disruptive sleep. I have had flats in the past where the neighbours have told me off for having washing on after 10pm, not starting then but it may take 90 minutes and I put it on say 8.50 so it wont finish till 10.20 but last time that happened was years ago. I will be sleeping and then hear the floor rattle and thump. I dont doubt that the neighbour hears noise its the amount of noise I think the person is just grumpy as was stold they suffer from a bad back due to a fall and have toothache! no excuse for being rude to me though.
  12. The matterhas got worse, since it happened I have made a massive effort to make no noise, and as I say I never wear shoes in the house and in fact moved my tv into the bedroom(which is above his living room instead of leaving it in my living room which is above his bedroom) I started to go to bed around 1am each night, and LL came round to collect rent last week and I wasnt ready as the Housing Benefit hadnt cleared yet so went to bank and on my way downstiars he was talking to the downstairs neighbour and they looked at me and gave me evil glares. I came back from bank(just across road) and LL was there and told me he has had a complaint about me as I have been having parties every night! Uh WTF I have never been to or held a party in my entire life(I cannot make friends) and have my tv on, not muted but on low as I hate it being too loud as it makes me want to faint. Then I went away and came back today and was told the downstairs neighbour has made another complaint saying I have been crashing about every day this week which is impossible! He hasnt made a single complaint about the new tenant next door to me who gets drunk every night and wakes me up, doesnt complain about the drunks shouting and singing in the streets which I can hear. Also he finds it ok to use his washing machine at 6 or 7am and wake me up. SO annoyed.
  13. At about 1.30am my downstairs neighbour knocked on my door screaming and shouting and constantly raising his fists and screaming that I am scum and I have kept him awake every night in over a week because I am up all night and sleep all day. This is """" because nomally I go to bed around 3am so normally by the time I have had a wash etc its around 20 past 3, but on Monday and Tuesday night I admit I stayed awake till 4am one of those was because I was in the bedroom(which is carpeted) boxing up a plasma tv that I had bought that was smashed on arrival so that may of disturbed him. Another time was because I was literally too tired to go to bed and just sat playing a video game very slowly. He mentioned that I am always moving furniture which is impossible since all I have in my living room is a TV on a stand so cant move it, and a sofa and just a wardrobe and bed in bedroom(place is almost bare) This guy was ranting so loud that after he left my neighbour from the flat next to mine on the right came out and said he heard everything and it woke him up but backed me up because he said he never hears any noise from me and once or twice has taken post for me for safekeeping but doesnt knock because he hears nothing he doesnt know if im in! I think it all comes down to the fact that the guy downstairs thinks I am up all night since im the most active around midnight-3am and sleep to lunchtime but then often go up town for 2-4 hours then come back and flake out on sofa which I think is why he thinks I am noisy since its a metal sofa bed and sometimes I sit on it wrong and it gives off a loud grating sound which he probably hears. The main thing I am annoyed about is that he was so abusive, if he had told me each time it has happened I would of apologised and made sure I went out of my way to make no more noise that night. I am so considerate that in the evenings I make sure I take off my shoes because I have a wooden floor in living room and know walking about would be noisy, and with them off they give off a very minor squeak. I think this guy is just a complainer as my other neighbour said every day when the last tenant was here he was up at least 5 times complaining because the person listened to music, and the fact is he complained about me walking about and "moving furniture" not my tv or pc or talking to anyone. It could be because he had a bad fall a few weeks back and has had to sign on the sick so is in a lot of pain and is taking it out on me as when my other neighbour came out after the one who shouted at me left he backed me up and said the guy was just a """" and to do what I want as he has never had any complaints with me, and the downstairs neighbour ran out(how he did that with a very bad back I dont know) but as soon as he saw the other neighbour he did mention that I was being """""""" noisy all the time but then went right back into his flat so I think he may just be bullying me because im a soft touch. And going back to the main thing I am annoyed about is I have seen him in the garden before and he has not once mentioned this to me, if it bothered him so much why didnt he tell me!
  14. I have dropped out of college or uni quite a few times, normally due to stress because I cant handle student accomodation but cant afford a flat. The current ones are technically the worst as they are having pretty much daily parties so loud that the floor and windows rattle and never close doors quietly and slam them again so loud that the windows rattle and my door rattles! Not being racist but they are all foreign and from rich families because they dont get loans but always drink every night, take drugs daily(dpeed and cannabis and maybe cocaine) and even if they are in the basement kitchen 2 floors door with the fire door to kitchen closed, the fire door to my bedroom closed etc and a place with thick walls you can hear them laughing and they are deffo on somethign as the hallway stinks of cannabis every day and I hear them watching friends and they laugh at EVERY JOKE! and so loud that you can hear them in the basement, or on the top floor. To put matters worse(or better in some ways depending on your view) the contract doesnt end till August but they have agreed with the landlord to move out in the middle of June yet me who has asked quite a few times to leave due to the condiions was told I have a contract and if I leave I will be sued! Not fair. Anyway What has happened is because they keep me awake till like 7 or 8am daily I have missed EVERY class in 3 months and also because of this have failed a core module because I couldnt go to the exam as I was so stressed I forgot and even if I did I couldnt revise. So I have failed uni because some druggie alcoholic scum act as if they own the place and the landlord is nasty and doesnt care. I am venting some anger.
  15. Well different people have said to me I hae the signs of aspergers, the professor from the dyslexia report, my childhood literature lecturer and just got some freebies from Freecyle but was suppsoted to ring person yesterday but was stressed so left it to today and the woman was nice and sent her hsuband round with the stuff in his car and we spoke for about 20 minutes as he asked why I was stressed, I said I am being kept awake at night by students and have disabilties and was waiting for an aspergers assessment, he said he guessed right away that I had aspergers as his son and daughter have it and he said that I should claim DLA and complain to the uni that I am being discriminated against as I might fail my year as #i missed an exam yesterday as I was kept awake all night so got dates mixed up. I am waiting to see a doctor at 8.40am Friday, I hope I can wake up early enough. Oh and a bit of my history, I was at uni a few years ago part time and the student welfare wnated me assessed for ADHD as I have no attention span. And I am essentially a big kid, I am like a milder version of Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, not rude but I get very obsessed with my own problems and can get grumpy easily though im a very sweet person. I see kids and envy them and just want to go to the park and play or go to a kids club at a holiday park and play party games and that is what is causing my mild depression since im getting too old every year when I was 21 I could get away with hyperness and kiddyness as girls found it cute but now people think im a weirdo as I want to read comics and do kiddy things like pillow fights and giggle and tickle(Though I hate asking or doing it at same time as even someone touching me gives me shivers and freaks me out, henc eme being single) I mean I literally when hyper sing karaoke in my room and so loud that I want people to hear it and laugh at me, and literally jump up and down and wave etc like a kid on a sugar rush. I cant handle alcohol as it freaks me out and 1 drink turns my stomach and it just makes me want to slap and punch my head and up until I was around 20 I would literally bang my fists against my temples(thats where I get stressed) or headbutt walls and tables. A problem of mine is I am afraid of new things and that is why I have dropped out of colleges over and over because im afraid of ending my youth and settling down, I hate being single but put a girl in front of me literally putitng it on a plate and/or being obvious I freak out and want to go in my room and cuddle myself. I still have a 21 yaer old teddy bear which symbolises myself, I lost it once a few years ago when working and almost had a breakdown as that is what keeps me sane as it has been the only thing there for me my entire life.
  16. Well im 26, only had 1 girlfriend that barely lasted weeks as it was more a sex buddy and she cared nothing for me and have had a lot of massive knock backs my entire life, making me feel low. But looking back each year of my adult life(Since around 15 or 16) I realise how "good" I had it, when I was 21 I would give everything up to go back to when I was 16, now im 26 I would give everything up to go back to 21 and no doubt when im 30 will give everything up to be 26. I have suspected Aspergers but going through hoops to get assessed since only been with current doc for 2 months and they wont help till my old doc sends them the medical notes. I also suffer from Dyslexia and dyspraxia. I have always been "mr Average" but the middle-top range of average I.e I could do a uni course and be in the lower end of the class, but put me next to say a college student the same age be very advanced and have people jealous that Im at uni. Also average in looks, not one of the pretty people I have always been geeky but not "butt ugly" However 3 years ago for no real reason I suddenly piled on the pounds, literally 2 stone in 2 weeks despite undereating and the weight is going up and up. I did however a year before have a serious family crisis where my brothers fiance was murdered and he was wrongfully accused and put in jail for a year, my normally party animal brother(he in past has been offered recording contracts and abcking dancers contracts and is a ex Butlins Redcoat) became almost suicidal, drinking every night and lowering his standards for women as he just wanted to be loved and even dancing with gay men, the women he slept with(dont think im cruel for saying this please) were like 6 foot 5, butch and very fat and the sort of girl who normally would come home alone but he would chat to her, and he tried to force me with girls but if I did get somewhere he would butt in and take over. To put it easily I'm the sort of person who has fallen through the cracks, Im too nice to get help from social workers since im not a troublemaker or someone with an addiction, but bad enough that I found it hard to do anything and even more so now as I cannot join any youth groups as I am over the magical age of 25 where people think you should have your life in order, and it feels like society is treating me as if I am an old man before my time. I have had NO support apart from family over the years, and even then its my parents and brother, I come from a strict working class background yet my parents are lower class so they always looked down on us calling us lazy and making excuses(not my fault my dad became very ill when I first started school) whereas almost all my cousins went straight to uni at 18 and got jobs(apart from my junkie cousin who's mum is a hypocrite) I think the Smiths song How Soon Is Now is the song to my life, I rarely leave the house(though go to town most days) and if I do go to a pub I go there alone, come home alone and cry so much I feel I want to die and have had "suicidal" thoughts most of my life, not that I want to hurt myself but my brain says its the easiest way out but I am "strong" enough to not do anything, same reason I dont become an alcoholic or drug addict I know a hour or two of bliss paid for by huge debt and feeling worse than when I began isnt worth it. I have never been on a day trip with people since I left school 1 years ago, even then it was like twice in 4 years I went on one as the school never had any day trips and only maybe 1 weekend trip a year that my parents couldnt afford and my school were snobs putting everyone into classes based on the estate they came from, i.e everyone from a council estate went into the thick classes and everyone from the working class estates were put in the smart classes and the middle class students were the only ones allowed to be captains of say the football club or part of the drama clubs etc. One of my main problems though to think about it isnt mine but no matter how low my life gets im told people have it worse, because Im not a drug user or alcoholic im not in huge debt(except I am) with serious health issues and people give these people more handouts than me to turn their life around so I sit in a bedsit with a dodgy landlord with all to show for my 26 years is dozens of dvds, a lcd tv and a computer, may sound a lot but I have no cash to improve myself and no opportunities and motivation. The doctor wont prescribe me antidepressants despite my family history and me taking them when 18 due to their own words "Too many people get them these days so the Government is cuting back support" and I have been to various doctors and surgerys in the North of England and South of Scotland in the last few years who act the same, they say you need councilling first and the waiting list is around 6 months and you need a few assessments before they give you anything. I dont know what more to say right now but back to what I said earlier, Im the big fish in the small pond, or that I have the potential to be hugely sucessful but im thrown into the big sea and put down even unintentionally by people who in many ways have had life far easier(though may be worse in some ways) breezing though making friends and uni and getting better grades so assume/act as if im not as hard working, which in some ways is mildly true, I try harder than people think but people assume as im not hyper and grateful for every little thing in my life then im bitter etc which is hurtful and then makes me fail as the amount of times people have treated me this way makes me feel so bad I miss classes or stop working and just bum about. I feel so old as I go to uni and people even say to me that I look like 40 and ignore me or think im weird for chatting to them and clubbing is worse as people act as if im some massive pervert just for smiling at a girl I like just as im not under 21, dont dress in latest fashion and dont know how to be vain.
  17. I have my assessment of needs Thursday but a bit worried, the local council has already apporved cash just need to know what I need. They did mention a handheld spellchecker and a dictaphone, text to speech software etc. They didnt mention a computer but this would be great for me since my old one is nearing end of its life. Do I have to talk the assessor into things? What I was worried about is that I havent had my aspergers assessment yet just one for dyslexia and dyspraxia so worried this will lower my entitlemnt.
  18. Im 26 now and it reminds me of me, wheras most people growing up and even now were either going to parties, arranging parties or going clubbing Id sit at home and be depressed and lonely then go out but feel just as bad but in different ways, to me I hate being alone, but I like being alone around others. My soul has been destroyed in many ways, I remember going to 1 party when I was around 5 before my dad lost his job and we had to move to a council estate, and if anything the parents were fine with me in fact liked me as I was sweet and kind but the kids fell out with me thinking I was now benefit scum(not in those words as we were pre teens but the same meaning) Even now when I know other students who go out clubbing or to parties and I havent been to 1 in my life and when I do I feel dizzy and horrible its annoying. wish there was a easy way out.
  19. Sounds silly but my depression reached it peak about 2 years ago, the same time as I bought a LCD tv, and even then I realised that the pic wasnt as good as a CRT tv. I have noticed that I feel better when I wach a CRt tv(old fashioned tv's not the modern flat ones for people that dont know lol) . I have just moved flat a few weeks ago and felt no different watching a LCD screen, then got given a CRT and watched it and felt better again. I kinda feel queasy watching a LCD tv as the colours look bland and not that sharp, which is true as its something called resolution, old tvs are low resolutions and newer ones higher so watching something that isnt designed for high definition looks horrible on a lcd but great on a CRT and the opposite is true, a film or game designed for a high definition tv looks great on a HDLCD but on better than usual on a CRT. Could this be true?
  20. How hard is it and what do I say? I went to see a doctor other day and told him uni wanted me assessed and he asked me why and I told him the problems and he agreed that it would be good to get assessed but kinda rushed me out as he was about 30 minutes behind schedule(and I was last patient of the day) I was thinking of asking surgery for a double appointment but may take ages I think. I am afraid of being fobbed off and rushed out as I have only just signed up with this doctor and they have cancelled on me once(the staff are always ill) and when I went for my health check they took an hour to see me then rushed me out in 3 minutes just doing a blood pressure, weight and height test. and this time as I say they were 30 minutes behind and me the only person left in surgery.
  21. Currently I am at university but struggling as lethargic all the time and low self esteem, made worse by the fact im 26 and get a lot of weird looks and comments from the 18 year olds at uni as im too old, also due to the fact I suffer from bad depression that runs in the family so I look far older than I am and even on a good day I look my age at best. It would be easier to either leave uni and get DLA as then I wont have to worry, or to contnue education and get DLA but not sure as 2 of my flatmates get DLA for depression and one has a temper and is really lazy and just drinks it away and is an ex junkie and only speaks to people when he wants something and the other flatmate is his long term friend who says he keeps having to bail him out as he gets flats then doesnt pay the bills and pesters everyone for cash. That was a bit weird for me to say but as I say they both get it just for depression which I have and more and get a huge amount of money(which isnt the point but taking into account that they get more than me a week and I cant afford much electric and heating this would help me) Can I claim DLA as a single 26 year old adult? I am dyslexic, dyspraxic and have depression and waiting for a aspergers assessment. Or do I have to wait till I'm assessed for aspergers.
  22. I'm not suicidial just so upset I sometimes wish it could just go away and I cant feel it and by pain can get a few seconds of a pulse of energy. Mental Illness is common in my family, my parents both suffered from depression on and off over the years in fact that was how they met in a hospital, my mum gets DSA but now I have told her what I have and the signs, she is seeing some in her too. I once took ectasy and was really weird, I both felt fantastic and depressed and my whole body was ticklish and I tickled myself all over and made my flatmate cuddle me and curl up in their arms and I cried. Problem with medication is the doctors just keep telling me that my problems are just stress and to get better to jon societys and make new friends which I cannot do as I find that impossible as I cannot hold a conversation with anyone unless its about me and telling them how bad my life is, Also I hate being touched, I wont cuddle my mum and if she tries to cuddle me I back away, and I dont even tell her I love her, at most I mumble it. I cannot drink alcohol any more as it just makes me dizzy and want to fall alseep where im standing but then I get a bit hyper and asleep at same time and act like a pre teen and jump up and down and shout and go up to random people and have a kiddy voice and just scream and shout alone in my room when I come back and laugh non stop and put music full blast. I cannot enjoy things any more, as a kid I had a huge interest in books and read the same book over and over, and played video games non stop but had a routine, that id finish by 9pm each night, spend an hour doing homework then bed, these days if I try to read I feel physically sick and just want stimulation of my eyes and brain by moving pictures i.e tv but even that makes me tired as when I do that I want to play a game, then when I try to play a game im so bored I want to watch tv or read. These days one nights its 8am to bed even though by 10pm im barely awake, im too tired to actually sleep! and if I do my brain starts racing, then I sleep like 16 hours though after 4 o4 5 wake up every few minutes feeling rough. I'm horny but I find touching someone intimate, even stroking their hands makes me shake and feel disgusted and makes me angry. the problems with emotions is like this I love to pour my emotions out online but get worked up easy so often as I have bad structure people accuse me of trolling and attention seeking that makes me upset and so I try to defend myself as I like to reply to everyone then they accuse me of trolling more as I cant just let it go and as I cant argue I must by lying as my stuff makes no sense. I have tried getting medication but doctors refuse due to the huge increase of people on it these days and just say councilling but a 3-6 month waiting list and even then one appointment every 2-3 months and I need to have at least 3 sessions before they decide if I need medication!
  23. Hi im a 26 and a half year old and recently after a dyslexia and dyspraxia assessment at university the psychologist sent me a report saying I had both and also the signs of Aspergers. Due to this my lecturers were informed of my dyslexia and dyspraxia but not the recommendation to see doctor to be assessed for aspergers but my English Literature lecturer who was a primary school teacher for over 25 years has after each class taken time to speak to me and he said that he has noticed signs of Aspergers, and when I told him about the reccomendedation to get assessed he didnt know but that just put into my mind taht 2 professionals with wide experience in the field noticed this. I did some online aspergers test and it said the majority of people in the UK get around 16 points from it, and 80% of people who got 32 or more had aspergers, guess what! I got 31! but then some of the questions could of gone either way so I might of got a higher or lower score. Like this post says, I'm very negative and low, but babble on when I get the chance to about silly things. I find it VERY hard to make friends, but I think my disabilities are hugely psychological since at Primary School I was very popular but a old fashioned kid, climbed trees, read books a lot, got into trouble with neighbours often but was VEReY popular and confident to the point that I was often picked by teachers or other kids to be the one who had to read chapters of a book and I used to have a different voice and accent for every character. Even then though I was different, whilst everyone was buying Mega Drive's I was happy playing ZX Spectrum games and baer in mind this was the 90's after they had stopped production. After I started High School life became terrible, all my friends deserted me as the school was class based and as I came from a council estate and a family on benefits(though a family background of highly skilled people and loads of university graduates) the school put me into the bottom classes and all the kids from working familys went into the top classes. I had a temper back then and fought back at every opportunity be it words or fists but because of the class based system no matter if I was attacked or I did the first punch I was always told I must of provoked them and those kids are much more trustworthy. It came to the point where 2 klids who had doctors as parents attacked me in the street after class one day for "grassing" on them and smashed my shoulder and wrist for which even now I get agonising arhritis and the school again claimed I must of started it as they werent the sort of kids who attacked anyone etc and they were just suspended for 2 weeks. Then a few months later this girl who bullied me badly was a stereotypical "trailer trash" though deep down she may of just been hurting as she started punching me one day and slapping me for no reason so I gently kicked her foot and she walked off and said I would get in trouble and that night the police came round saying I had attacked her and they had proof that she had bruises from the bottom of her legs all the way up to her neck covering her entire body which upset me as the police just acted as if we were chavs because we were on benefits desspite my parents never being in trouble with the police, and not smoking or touching alcohol(as they were both ex nurses who saw too many people seriously ill from drink) and didnt get any credit as they hated debt and used to do a lot of volunteer work! and neither wore tracksuits or hoodies(just cheap clothes as thats what they could afford) Because of all this I retreated from the world, I spoke to no one and the bad bullying continued but it was so bad that even if someone said hi to me, I would say nothing and tilt my head and ignore them And ironically I started getting girls fancying me but I never noticed it as they called me ugly but then invited me clubbing! This is another thing that now I dont get, havent had a girl chat me up in 4 years which makes me feel dead inside and want to hurt myself though I have enough control not to or keep dreaming that im a murderer and killing loads of people so I have a lot of pent up anger. When I left school at 16 I was "happier" people respected me more, at least to my face and I had my first alcohol in my life and drank once a month on grant day and went round to peoples houses and watched South Park. Then at 17 I left home! that was the best year or 2 of my life as I had a big room, started clubbing and had some stunning girls suddenly fancy me and ask me out to be their boyfriend or just for sex andone of these girls went on to become a model! and I think another did too! so shows you the sort of girls that liked me as I was quiet, sweet kind and nervous and without a hint of arrogance. However I didnt lose my virginity till a few days before I was 19 and I'd say even now at 26 have only had 3 proper sexual partners, and 2 of them were one night stands and one was a girl I dated for a few weeks so I guess I have only had sex about 20 times in my life and about 17 of them with one girl who I didnt love. I was more normal at 21 as I enjoyed weekly nights out and again started to get female attention and felt a bit more confident but still never chatted anyone up. Then at 22 my brother was wrongfully accused of murdering his fiance and it took a year to clear his name but the real killer had fled abroad(back before my brother was originally arrested!) and even now get disgusting comments from people who act as if he done it and we are a scummy family as the stigma is now attached. At 23 I gained a huge amount of weight despite not eating much and started feeling permamently hung over and drained and just wanted to spend my life curled up and having someone punch me or hit me on my head and wished it was all over and as I say the weight issues and the fact I have baggy eyes and bad skin now mean no girl fancys me anymore that makes me worse. At least now I know why I was more succeptable to depression and self esteem issues as I have always had problems making friends, and people always called me a weirdo, even in the street where people who I have never met just take one look and shout "weirdo/freak" or make grunting sounds due to the vibe I give out. What can I do to become "better"? (edited by moderator for potentially offensive content.)
×
×
  • Create New...