vondahue

Hi, I was going to post when I read yours and had to reply, I have a 12 nearly 13 yr old daughter, her diagnosis was elective mute with social anxiety, although it is believed she has aspergers she is too high functioning so 6 proffessionals diagnosed her by her main symptoms, At primary although she struggled we managed it with out much support, how ever when the end of yr 6 came, she became instantly depressed and her anxiety and stress flared her eczema up so bad she couldnt wear shoes, that whole summer was very difficult, I couldn't take her n her brother out she wasnt sleeping n just wanted to be alone, . I had prior to the holidays called her new school to make sure they knew her problems and set up some support, well the senco spoke to me like dirt n said oh send her she'll be fine n that was it. In oct after may meetings they did a part time plan with her working in a room with la's still no imput from senco just me and a higher level learning assistant, 6 months I tried to get my daughter in school tried everything but the school were not helping her in fact it was more like they pressured her, she is mute ,diagnosed, they couldn't just except she was there and would smile or wave for hello or goodbye they would tell her she had to talk. By feb I took her out signed off because she was so ill she was on the edge of a breakdown , no then 11yr old should suffer that , between then and this sept I had emense problems with the school n camhs, they all assumed she was naughty I couldnt cope and she had anxiety that they would cure, my daughter was suicidal by last summer but I tried again in sept but school were incompetent n I decided it was best to home school her, after a few months she has improved somewhat, however she will not entertain any support involvement from proffessionals n special needs school home tutor is a no go she refuses to do anything, she does work but as a student who was always a yr above her age she now wants to stay in her room listened to music about pain n death plays with her monster high dolls as they are her friends , we can go to town and walk my son to school but I cant have friends or visit people ive given up on any hopes and dreams because we can't because of her, I tried everything tried just having the normal but if she does want then she does anything to ensure it dont happen, life doesnt function everything is difficult n she ends up ill in some way, even asking her to chose my birthday presents while I walked close behind resulted in her getting so stressed she was zoning out her eczema flared while she ripped at her neck itching . Our life is school run n home no visitors and im worried too about where this will lead for her later in life, when I know she could achieve so much more and as well my son is losing out and age 7 already feels everything is about her, I wish I had the answers I dont and till now I have always founds ways around her many problems, I feel powerless not wanting to just do nothing but im afraid I may have to because she wont allow change or help. Anyway I hope u dont feel so alone in what ur are going through,

thanks, yes i have noticed that, and the psychologist i saw first just focused on my husbands death or how we had moved a few time, however this one i saw the other day although understands there were things that happened that made things worse she is also aware i noticed a difference with dd at 18 months and struggled the entire time with her behaviour due to not understanding , its very difficult to get them to listen fully but i think what ever there out come i feel they have tried to look beyond the obvious x

had the ep report yesterday which really said lots of positive things about dd, that she did warm to the ep etc, there was notes that she had moments where she looked distant and blank which the teacher had noted too, so she had noted something, the ep called today to ask if she could see dd again before our meeting on thursday next wk, as her teacher had talked to her as he had noted dd behaviour during the parent teacher meeting, now this is what i have told them all , with in school she is better she knows whats expected and understands teachers are there for her etc, but you take her out of that security and she shows clearly that she has difficulties, so this parent teacher thing was at the right time, as dd sat stared blankly at teacher didnt communicate and i noticed this and luckily the teacher saw it and so now maybe they really are understanding dd is very complexed as the ep said , so i feel alot better about this time round that they are not looking for the obvious to be in there face and look a bit deeper than she's just shy , i do keep explaining situations and giving examples of things , so now for the wait til next thurs. will update you x

big thanks. well it took just on a hour today, we sat in the room, one lady taking notes and the other doing the testing whie i just sat back, the things i noticed was my dd would only say yes no or dont know this was to questions like whats you favorite ice cream flavour have you had chocolate flavour, etc she sat there wouldnt even take her coat off and it was roasting, she was asked to set up some dolls and accessories and play she set it up and sat there, so the lady asked a few questions like what do you think they are doing , reply was watching tv, then asked what do you think they like to watch and dd said nothing shrugging her shoulders , another part the lady got a small toy dog gave dd the little doll said dog wants to play football dd dont nothing, same as when made a dough cake for a doll and was asked to sing happy birthday and blow the candles out, when it came to the books and explaining what she could see her response was better but not very detailed, they even did one where they asked her if she would like a cheddar biscuit not sure why but she said no, then she was asked to look what did she see ! there was a bunny and a truck she was asked which she would like to play with and she said bunny the woman showed her the button that made it walk and daughter copied the woman when the woman passed it to her and stroked it saying aww dd sat back down did nothing, then bubbles were blown i noted the woman wrote something as dd was sat stiff but a ballon came her way and she reached out to pop it, it was very hard to work out what they got from the tests and as i couldnt see dd face hard to tell if they noted that, i know dd was not as respondant as prehaps most children but i guess now its the waiting game til next thurs, she did do balance and reflexes noting she had low muscle tone we had a quick chat and i showed her a photo i took just a few days ago or the lined up trucks hoping it'll help, so fingers crossed, got to finish off with the psych on wed for an hour and then thursday, i guess one thing as i had assessments done and i wasnt happy this is why we doing this now what happens if they say its not AS but just anxiety is this the end of the rd i know they could offer mental health support if thats what they say but i'm so sure its AS i know she has axiety at times but to know her father as we thought he had social phobia or something, after 6 yrs he'd not even be able to anitiate conversation with me like walk in door from work and say hi hows you? i always had to prompt him or he would stay silent, her gran on that side ocd her auntie find social things had even crossed the rd to avoid an old school friend as she didnt know how to talk to them, may be shyness nerves but dd takes after that side of her family doesnt show any common triats from my side, well i will post to let you know how it goes x

i just sat and went through all the first reports done at age 5 and nothing was picked up they all said she carried out the tests and was average and able yet presented herself as shy and anxious, what they arent hearing is with people like teachers or someone doing work with her is better because she is so bright she'll read a book a night i couldnt keep up with her and now she is reading fact books about alsorts and had to buy her science ones too, she thrives by learning, at young age i taught her numbers colours alphabet al very early, now if you take that away and try to comunicate with her normally it wont happen , it took til age 6 for her to acknowledge her owe grandad before which she would ignor him and glare, i worked out that like so many other people , he wasnt to good at communicating on a baby level or was working and popping in and expected dd to just respond like we all do but with her you have to spend along time putting lots of effert in and only then is she able to open up, however you can walk away come back after 5 minutes and have to start again with her, we had parent teacher meeting after school, she has only been at new school a few weeks and i alread knew she was ok happy to go into class enjoying working it was play times that were hard, her teacher said she is doing well knowing we're going through ados etc yet dd sat there didnt speak looked to me all the time and partly glared its a funny look bit like a glare/looking through them/i hate you face. once outside she continued to chat to me as normal. these are common things she does now, also she has learnt alot from her younger brother she is bright enough to work things out they say some learn coping methods to get through life they dont maybe feel the emotion because they cant but may learn that at certain time you need to respond by saying something and i think she learns from her brother, tomor her brother is off shopping with a friend, he's 2 and half and i've told him to look after friend who is 44 lol they going to buy sweets lol which i need as i want them seeing her for the way she is. also since summer i had gotten fed up with trying , trying to take her on days out having friends round, or even to ever think i could/would ever have another relationship in the future, we did nothing went no where just school home garden and town, people came while she wasnt about, things improved the moods and outbursts were less, it was like life ws simple and thats what she needed once she expressed she didnt like someone around gave no valid reason but while they was visiting she excelled with behaviour even while it was just us at home, then this person comes round and i'm a spare part they went and played all day with kids giving undivided atention great she was ok but what about next time? she expected it didnt get much attention, i asked i thought you did like them she said well if they play with me i do i asked and if they dont, her answer was simple then i dont, this is when she blanks and you cant get any sense out of her but this is big scale when people are around even on the days nothing is happening no one around life is fine its still all there, well i guess see how tomor goes then a week wait to see what they have decided fingers crossed they dont make me out to be wrong and to blame or what ever else and they truely listen to what i'm telling them x

i hear alot of people saying how long it takes its strange because as parents we see it so clear, i have friend her dd is 12 now my dd is quiet hers is more noticable in her behaviour and yet they are getting the blame as bad parenting and endulging her, this poor girl is sound sensitive along with lost of other very obvious traits and she's do things like sleep in the bath tub while on holiday i think her mum has just about given up hope of getting help she has seen numours people and wasnt happy, i feel that although As is difficult to diagnose in some cases that they really do need to listen to the parents, i know some maybe with bad parenting would like to label the child to remove blame but they treat everyone like we just want to do this and blame pur mistakes or parenting or childs behaviour on a condition instead of believing we know our children its just difficult to remember every thing they do so explain why we feel they have AS, it was just the other night my son's toys had been emptied out his tub as he decided to sit in it after returning from the kitchen amongst the mess of trucks was a perfect line colour order or matching trucks, my son use to buy same trucks so has a collection and it looked odd amongst the mess this perfect line in order, he'd not done this she had got up lined them up and sat back down, this time i have a picture on my phone for them to see , lets hope that will help show them its not 'home life' or parenting or what ever else they ca blame it on this time

Hi, it seems to be fairly common that getting answers and a DX takes ages, i know girls are harder to diagnose but i'm hoping this time they will have one result one DX, At age 5 daughter wasnt in school due to toilet issues so was referred by pead to a 5 day stay with me at a center for all these assesments like motor skills and speech language and psych, they felt she was just controlling and axious, this all happened at a time where i was having troubles at home with husband and i felt the psych only listened to this and not that actually when i was with her father (husband was step dad) she was the same and life with him was 2 point 4 children normal quiet stable and i noticed at 18 months she wasnt like other kids and she even attended a special needs play group, she was refered to art therapy, to her this was great 40 minutes with a woman doing colouring, i just battle on myself with her then things went worse and i needed her having help due to my husband being killed, i coped and tried to keep life as normal as i could getting up doing same routine etc but i felt she needed to see a psychologist to help her we was then refereed to a specialist who saw dd and myself and he said straight elective mutism and AS, some months passed and i saw psychologist at which time i was feeling low as no one in the family was helping with her especially her father, and so i sat and waffled away about poor old me, leaveing her to also conclude its home life not listening to the bit where i said 18 months old or when life was good she was the same, then speech language, my dd is bright and these tests of point to a picture is like school work she thrives with learning n school soaks everything up so they wasnt so sure because she was clever but i told them take her out of that setting see her not in an appiontment or a setting she'd feel comfy in like this woman is a teacher, then autisc specialist came i had sent dd to school and explained dd would of just had tummy ache and dissappeared up stairs so i chatted a bit and done the scale test which she was over the minimum and then she visited her at school, now school always say she's fine, autistic woman confirmed dd actually struggled and if she was told to make up something using her own imagination she couldnt and if she wasnt told exactly what to do she struggled plus few other bits , so i had 2 yes 2 no, and i wasnt happy i was told they could drop assesments and just go for mental health treatment or did i want to push for more assesments so i told them wanted it done again, all those test took months, amazing with in a few months they sorted it out, dd had school ep last week , we saw the language speech therepy today well she went with her younger brother to play while i sat with the psychologist, this one i like she seems to listen, i have ados on wed it was supposed to be set into 2 appointments or i have ados and another crammed in on wed , and then next week i need to finish off with the psych for an hour then the next day a meeting to find out there opinion. its a long winded thing and just hope we can get somewhere this time.

Hi al.. i tend to pop on every now and then and have found it a great help, generally i tend to manage my daughters as and we get by, then every now and then something else comes up it seems never ending and seems i'm not alone with this one,, changes in behaviours as well as the doc's and dx. i have an 8 yr dd we have been going through assessments since she was 5, one specialist saying def as another saying anxiety we had the triage but they say all the test from lang speech and psychologist etc have to agree ...well they didnt so we are now going through it all again with an appoint on the 8th nov at camhs then 10th where they are fitting 2 appoints into 1 then one for desicion on the 18th. my daughter has elective mutism at times this can been seen as just her going shy but her father can drop her home she will walk into the house and if he stays outside at the door and i try getting her to tell him some news al nice things to share with him she will go mute.. or just stare at me, its like once she leaves your side for even a few minutes you have to start over again to work hard to get her to talk. she suffers big time socially be it new people or family, she takes things literally , cant take more than one instrution at a time, and well pretty much as she scored 26 on the as symptom ckeck list, she is also extremely bright ... for about 6 months we have had her on an even keel nothing happened at home we stuck to doing nothing new going no where having next to non on visitors and she seemed bit more happy as she knew how every day was, we moved a 4 weeks ago and she has started a new school now for the first 3 weeks she was playing up which i could understand as she wasnt in school and the house wasnt done, then this week with school i was worried but she had a few tears the first day and since she has been good although i know she usually copes at first and gets worse over time the longer it goes on. i have decided to stay single due to this as she can tolerate someone for a little while but over the months she becomes unbareable and life seise to function at all i cant even get her to put shoes on with out a 20 min kick off and i cant cope but so here we are things looking ok is although appointment could well cause her troubles, she in her self seems happy ish... for past 2 yrs she has had issues with sleep, either dreams sleep walking mostly these are ok i just tell her to go to bed ad she does, but last night she was stood on the landing calling her brothers name looking at him asleep saying come on so i woke up asked her what she was doing and she just stared at me then said she didnt know so i said go back to bed then she started crying so i asked what was wrong, she said i scared her but the crying got worse so i said to just go to sleep sounds harsh but i try to be firm when i think she is just having moments as she can lie or make things up about problems and pains. then she comes into my room and says she is scared she cant sleep because she is hearing noises now i can tell when she means it and this she did so i asked her to explain, she said she was hearing a voice or sound in her head like someone going larlarlalalala i cant remember if she said it sounded like her thinking voice or her or if was another noise it was 4 am but i know it made me feel that she isnt thinking and then for some reason picking it up and getting anxious over it.. so i really dont know what to think. i did ask if it was the first time she said no its happened before too.. i have never read anything about as and this being related and cant really on sleep walking and on walking up but i dont think its related to sleep walking i'm just confused as to if its a problem or not is it connected to anything .. i'm trying to google info but if anyone here has any that would be great help x

my daughter was nearly 6 before she used the toilet, i tried everything diagrams of her body ignoring it, pants , the lot, i cried every night with the stress as she wasnt diagnosed or had had any contact with specialist, she wasnt in school and thats when they started to help, we spent a week in a unit for bowel conditions, they said she wasnt full of poo, so there wasnt likely to be a problem inside, she was constipated at 2 which could of started it off, but i was given meds for that but she would hold it and hold it, i would sit her on the loo for an hour she would go mad but in the end do a huge one, this went on til i was exhausted tried pants but she was happy to sit in it, it wasnt even un avoidable overflow, the nurses at the unit said sit her on the loo give her a sticker do they not think i had tried that several times. we went home no better off, she was put in school in half days, we then later moved out due to problems with her step dad, i knew she didnt like it there there was other kids and people and her anxiety wasnt great, he also couldnt cope with the whole situation of her behaviour as much as i couldnt which ment i had to move out to see if it would change her behaviour, we moved in and we went to her new school who said they will need me at home by the phone to clean her up only then could she wear pant nappy or i had to go every lunch time, or have a nurse in school for her, they first thought it was plop down the toilet pooh not sticky pooh, she was due to start school she knew about the nurse she knew she was going school no matter what, 2 days before she used the loo and although i have to prompt her to go every night or it will start up again we havent had any problems, so was it she finally had me to her self which the psychologist more or less said was it school and the nurse, did she always hold it to make me know she wasnt happy? i dont know guess i never will, but she done it when she was ready after trying everything nothing worked it was when she wanted to , i have a 2 yr old who has just decided its potty time and perfect , i tried for weeks to get him on but he was no so i left him to it ! hope there is a little bit of helpful info in there if not at least know i totally get the stress and pain it causes you as a parent , x

thanks that at least helps me feel that although people even family who allow her behaviour or wash over it with excuses yet think i make things bigger or well really make me feel like its just me or i'm going mad , over the yrs i have watched her close i guess monitored behaviour and made mental notes to of been able to reduce the problems by keeping life simple with out adding in things with out notice or having people around for longer than a few hours, its not much of a life but we are managing but i know this is just a quiet stage and when life changes as it does things will go back to being difficult, we live in a 2 bed house and my son is in with me still as i darent make them share for fear of her out bursts or lack of sence to damger or being able to think in front not sure how much a 8 yr old should be capable of but i 'm scared to move house for knowing the trouble will start as she dont do change, and as i cope on my own its anything to make life managable right now, i will def keep that in mind about recording it when the next out burst happens, just incase once these people have had there meeting and decided i may well need it. on a different note i have managed to get DLA middle rate care for her i thought maybe low rate although i spent 3 hours filling the form out and trying to word it right as i know one wrong phrase through rushing an explaination can been seen as not the help or support you need in there eyes, but i was refused so i called them up and this woman i talked to was good , i explained different things about her behaviour and the things i had to do even down to everyday making sure she goes to the toilet other wise she wont and then those toilet issues are back, and she said she had wrote it down and would chat to someone, a few weeks later i found out i had it which is something as i know its a lottery and very hard to get. also she will be actually spending more than a few hours with her dad, he cant cope with her, but i said he needs to have her for 3 days at least at his flat not his mums so it will be interesting to see how he copes if he sees any of the problems too. does anyone find that when you explain your childs behavoiur everyone says oh by mine does that or kids do that, and its so frustrating cos you think yes but do they do 20 things in an afternoon with added extras and obsessivness or mass over te top out bursts, the best was when my husband died nothing not a tear not a care yet she couldnt get her tv on and i was on the phone down stairs and i honestly thought she was dying the hysterical cry i couldnt believe that, or when my son fell down the steps i panic'd he cried and she came down and stood right in front and just said can you do my button up not poor boy you ok is he ok just can you do my button which i know full well she can do. or when i had stomach bug so did my son she woke up me on sofa head in a bowl and she throws the biggest fit ever cos i said no school as you will prob be ill and pass it on, well nan had to come and get her cos i couldnt cope with that, she got sent home sick that afternoon then next day she was fine, she always recovers very quick its like she dont know when to stop eating she dont know or feel sickness much but is she hasher foot hurting she will stay awake for hours til gone 11pm then come in crying and unless she gets meds she will not stop there are lots of obsessions she has is that all linked just her nan and dad and auntie are all fussy stressy cant cope or anxious nan is big time ocd , guess she could have a mix of them all , poor kid! any more info or just your own experiences will help as its just great to listen and write knowing i'm not insane!

hi all, i've not needed to post for a while as i thought we was finally getting somewhere but boy was i wrong, my daughter (8yrs old) has shown signs of something wrong since well as a baby really, she was prem by 10wks. by her birth age 9months so in abilities equal to a 7 month she hated people its hard to explain but she was unlike any other child i have ever known, by 18month i thought adhd or something but i'd never heard of AS then my knowledge was limited , i struggled on through yrs of trouble with her, play group for special needs to main stream taking her out but her social issues remained the same. where we live there is a large open green with nice cafe and kids toys my son now 2 is up and off but she wouldnt even look at toys let alone get out the pushchair, it seemed she was only ever ok with someone if they put a huge amount of effort into playing she'd finally come around. by 4 1/-5 she was exceptionally difficult with social issues and mutism and toilet issues along with lots of other AS traits, everyday was hell i cried every night as i couldnt cope, then as she was in nappies due to serious soiling problems and schools wouldnt take her, i had the health care trying to help by this time, i put a post up on a forum and someone indicated she sounded like she had AS so i looked it up brought a book and everything was her all over, the health people refered us to stay in a special unit for a wk where they would do all the assesments and toilet train her using stickers, hahaha what a joke that was, i did ask the nurse what they referal was actually for and it was aspergers i'd not even mentioned my thoughts yet they thought she could!!! anyways we tried sitting her on the loo, i had to walk away getting the nurses to take over hoping she would for them, we came home no better off, i had done everything blumin super nanny would and some and i couldnt get her to . it caused lots of problems with my husband (step dad) as he always said it was just her doing it cos she wanted to, anyway while there we had psyc and motor skills and all sorts of tests, the psychologist said she not AS she answered al her questions or something, so they just refered her for art therepy, well to her it was just 40 min of drawing her fav thing the rest ment nothing, then time for school she had to go now or i would be in trouble, by this time i'd moved out left my husbands home i always felt it was too much for her there with lots of step brother sisters and big family well 2 brother 2 sister but most stayed at there nan's and the nan and pranpa but she would never talk to any of them , as well as problems i'd had, then 3 days after we moved that was it no more nappies, toilet prob solved, which totally shocked me, was it her finally getting me to herself what she wanted so she stopped was it just anxiety or what ? school was hard for months she came home white and pasty looking her behavoiur still the same, 6 months later we moved back to where we lived when she was young, near her granparents whom she always visited alot, my husband and i were back together but the day he handed his keysin for the old house he was murdered, yes one big mass shock there our son was 7 months to the day, my daughter just said oh, looked at my son and said your dads dead, it was the aftermath that effected her more as noone helped out not even her father so she heard all the details from the police and my 6 hours of calls helping to cope with them everything the step children it was bad so i guess you can explain her behaviour as something to do with that but she got over it very quick, but i notice if i'm stressed or tired she is worse, if 'm ill god forbid she has no care in the world for how i feel and usually kicks off some how, she couldnt even deal with one day i decided to stay in my pj's that threw her mind, i have watched managed and tried to deal with her, like if i chat to someone in a shop she gets belly ache if someone drives my car with us she gets sick if i take her somewhere she dont know she kicks up or gets sick, so tactics in place dealing with the things like repetative reassurances , well i really did get to the point where i felt unsure of what was going on with her but knew she needed some kind of help for her problems so off we went for a referal and yes diagnosed with AS she showed her true self wasnt all my say so , so we come home and months later we get a visit off a psychologist, daughter has tummy ache and goes upstairs so i explain things but i made the mistake on talking to much about how i find her hard to cope with we was then told daughter is just controlling me and my life and nothing wrong with her it was all what we had been through dispite me knowing when she was a baby, so i mail my pead and explained i wasnt happy at all so we then saw a specialist on autism and AS this time i sent daughter to school i chatted with this lady done the check list which she was over the minium number so clear she had something along the AS line , she then went to school to observe, school have told me she does great, however this woman saw different saying she could see she struggles and had low motor tone or something, so there we was with another yes so 2 AS 1 home life. we then had to see speech language woman, now daughter is extremly bright always been advanced its her social skills that are the issue and other bits, so this woman sits reading things while daughter points to right picture , then no she cant has AS as she was too good at that, so i said you put her in a different enviroment or whatever you'd see she is, so we left and thats that they were having a meeting so maybe soon we'll here something, but apparently she has to show AS in all 3 test , i know girls are harder but its like they dont listen and they blame parents and read a few books think they know it al they should try living with my daughter at her worst then tell me she's fine. although i do have her balanced at the mo with no major out burst or issues but that is because everyday is the same we dont go out and no one comes to the house al the things that make her have major funnies are out and so now its just the obsessive eating or deafness and lack of ability to understand intructions so cope with so quiet right now but not way to live a life but we do what we have to for our kids, now i'm wondering what on earth is going to happen i need help support for her to understand as best she can about social rules or something, where we live we have first school til age 9 then middle school til 13 the college, i'm worried that going to middle school next yr is gonna do so damage she could easy be a target for bullies, and its more like secondary(senior) school and i dont know if she'll cope with the older kids rushing about hoping she will be ok but i know her auntie and her dad was bullied very badly and they both have serious social issues, i never understood why after 6 yrs her dad couldnt talk to me and by that i mean literally, he never walked in form work say hi how are you oh my day been.... he may look at his shoes and grunt hi, he never grasped things if you asked multiple tasks the usual so , wow there you have my daughter history , i just have no idea whats wrong why she is the way she is and feeling at the end of the rd with not getting straight answers or home life being blamed by people who read a book or two. is my daughter AS or just controlling my life? well she done a good job if she is i've dropped everything to make her happy. about a ys after losing my husband a fella was interested i wasnt so sure but we had coffee and he came to the house alot but she was so bad and its like she wont get better the longer she knows someone she gets worse which breaks me like with my husband, she was ok for a few weeks but over the yrs she got worse and worse, to then maybe be chatting non stop for an hour to him then he'd get up go kitchen come back to her and asked what she'd like for dinner and she was blank mute and refused to answer? hows that work usually kids warm to people but she is like this with frinds too if they visit too much i guess you never know if you'll get a hello or a dirty look from her, ? i just know she has exhausted me, and so have the medical people ............................ any replies welcome i think i just needed to get that off my chest and see if anyone else is or has had same probs x

hi and thanks for you replies, the one who diagnosed her was a specialist , the psychologist was from camhs, my daughter was a prem baby, 10 wks prem by emergancy c section, she did well was home weighing 5lb after 7 weeks, home life til she was 4 was me dad and her, al pretty normal stable etc, but boy did we struggle then the relationship ended which was ok we were still friendly, i did meet someone else get married and have my son, the whole time was a living hell with her, thought with time she would ajust but no she got worse , i lost my husband a yr ago and she didnt care, looked at my son said riley your dad's dead, lucky he was only 7 months, she did no grieving at all, no emotion but at that time those few weeks before she was his best friend she would follow him about chat all time, i just dont understand , we stayed in hosp for a week about her not using the loo, they was oh give her a sticker she will, come off it i been doing everything possible to get her to use it, my husband said its just her controlling things, but aspergers can mean that you dont toilet train so well, so who is right? was the diagnosis, which i think its aspergers or hfa, he wasnt to clear thought either, with selective mutism, (which since this her dad said think i had that) when my son was about 9 months my daughters dad popped in when dropping her home, my son is highly socialble and didnt care he was strange and was smiling away, and her dad looked at me and said, she'd never done that . trouble is she has heard me talking last few days to her nan explaining this psychologist thinks just control with underlyin anxiety issue, and because i'd gotten to that point where i thought right just me kids home do nothing she dont like she be happy, and her nan said i shouldnt stop seeing friends etc, whole big chat, and last few days only one episode, rest she been playing in her room with toys that been gathering dust as she usually sits and mopes only ever draws a picture of her or girls, so has she realised she been rumbled and gone on to behave like most kids only proving she can be ok, or she just staying out my way? it is so hard, guess it will become more obvoius as she gets older,

HI, I posted a little while ago feeling relieved i had been listened to as the doctor i saw expressed that he felt my daughter was aspergers/ selective mute and high functioning autism, i knew from 18 months something was a miss with her and battle through with all her difficult behavoiur from not using the loo til she was 5 half, that even family she would treat like a stranger and blank them and ignor them to the mutism and the inability for her to grasp instrutions that were of any lengh, i put structure into her life explained every step of every day and well pretty much done everything i thought would help, but its not easy being a lone parent to a child with these difficulties where her dad is no support and cant see what she is like, as well has having a younger son, so i thought at last we would get some support hoping they'd give me ways of really gettin ontop of it all, as everyday there is a struggle of one thing or another, i cant go out for days out cant see friends cant even read my post with out her right there in my face constantly on at me or wanting needing or feeling one pain or discomfort , i think you'll al understand what i'm saying about behavoiur so trying not to go into that side to much, so today we see the psychologist, daughter has tummy ache head ache and wants to go to her room which was expected, so i sit and talk to this woman, explain how i dont feel i can breath, that dispite trying everything nothing works nothing is good enough she always has something wrong or will not join in or go and play, she shows her unhappiness so much that even coffee out with a friend while she is with me is a no go, anyway this woman now says that the doctor can say one thing then back track, so is she now saying she hasnt any of these conditions???? so i talk some more pointing out the triats she has that led me to believe she had aspergers and the pead the first time we tried for a diagnosis, then she explains that although daughter has some triats she has lots that are just common with anxiety, so is she just an anxious child! well ift felt like she was saying in laymen terms as my daughter is only happy when no one is around and its just us, and her behaviour is bad when people around that it is her feeling that because i'm the only constances in her life that she controls me and what i do that she dont want me to talk or what ever for her fear she wont get anything from me, so my 7 yr old is controling my life cos she wants me to herself????? so can an 18 month decide to behave like this? can at that age through til 3-4 yr old sit in play school full of fun and toys and children decided nope i'm gonna sit at my mum's feet the whole time glare at anyone who looks at me because i want mum to myself??? she explained if i simply give her instructions that state i would like her to try to say hello even if she feels unhappy, and then reward her for it with praise that this will improve things with her communication, its that bad that her aunt and uncle were in town and unlike most children will be excited or happy or smile and chat stating any info they want to share she just put her head down and ignored them, its not like they are strangers but may as well had been, so how does that effect her and me , and the anxiety well her dad is very bad thought he had social phobia, but looking at asperger he same, after a 6 yr relationship he was still unable to talk to me openly i had to ask things to try encourage him to talk, he never walked in said hi love how was your day, it was silence til i said how was work did you see your mum today , actually tested it one night i didnt ask anything, so he said nothing and was silence the whole eve! guess i dont understand it being that bad with your own family from a child when children can be so forward,jolly and out going. so now i have no idea whats going on why she is like this is it just me? her nan has her and struggles saying she wont leave her to get on do dinner she has to play with her although its for her as daughter cant role play, but nanny allows and compensates, as she dont want to upset her or see her upset, if daughter was to drop something it's panic stations quick dont worry nanny got it dont worry, and her dad well can i say part time, after 4 hours brought her home said he was exhausted because of her behaviour, see he works and needs a lay in, but he can not cope having her at his on his own so has her at his mum's as they all help. I'm just left confused, is she isnt she, do al psychologist blame home life up bringing even if the child is just a difficult child and hard to parent through no ones fault? she's coming back in a few weeks see how school and new teacher is working out. while in the mean time i have to explain what i expect as in saying hello, and reward her for doing it, that as i have just realised having a boyfriend makes her really bad and become single through the stress she puts me through its been said that a quiet life just me kids is prob best and although i'd like to move to be near a friend who is preg with twins and needs some support but because way daughter is i should wait til she would naturally be changing school so as not to make her worse through feeling she is hard done by as the friends left behind would still be together, which is a 2 yr wait i live in a small town no shops unless drive hour away, and they have a first school til yr 4 then middle school til yr 8 or 9 then college, so i not only been told doc got it wrong but i'm not allowed a life if i want her to improve cos its all about her wanting me to herself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gob smacked lost confused! anyone shedding any light on this would be great its this psychologist? do they all blame home or parenting skills and not that they have a disorder????

thanks tally i have not heard of this site before i will look later, had a quick look but kids trying to raid the cupboards half hour before dinner ,

Wow thanks wasnt expecting any reply like that one! um well to be honest i wasnt allowed to greive cos the children and no one helped out, it was get up get on, a few months later i was grief counselling my dd nan over her rabbit that died, she had a month in bed crying and we didnt see her as she was too upset, i found myself non stop busy as i had dd and ds to manage usual house shopping etc then there was the 4 other children, calls from parents in laws, could i have 15 yr old as he was suffering and messing up at school, could i have eldest (17 and pregnant) come stay as her partner had gone missing police and al very bad situation could been out come, plus the trips down to devon 3 hour round trip, or over night in b n b to well basicially sign the form for the funeral , (got left with sorting out paying for it) then my only days out just for me to see my friend was thwart with dd nan's moaning she couldnt possible pick her up from school giver her dinner and get her to girls brigade by 6 and home by 7.15, while i was up 7 2 kids ready drop dd school drive for an hour take my friend shopping ( she has phobia's cant get out ) whilst trying to shop keep eye on her and ds i'm on the phone the entire time to step sons school and granpa trying to sort a whole big mess out making appoints to see yr head, then take friend home coffee sort ds out drive home in time for school have to pull over to make more calls and take them, get home unpack shopping cook and feed kids get dd to girls brigade! at 6, but no one saw what i had to cope with ! then came alot of things where i felt just used and like i was only good for helping them as in feb i finally hit rock bottom, an old friend from school came into my life declared his love for me for over 14 yrs but was soon gone due to his own messy life, i was gonna pack up and go just me and ds, but stomache bug put pay to that, so i just got up got on as i always do and when i explained to in laws i'm not talked for a wk as i was finding it hard they ignored me for 2 months til they wanted something ( laptop fixing), may was the court case for the man who killed my husband, the woman ,my husband was sleeping with , the man was her ex husband, she was sat in court with us and they al was chatty to her and well i guess no one ever gives me credit, my husbands ex wife who walked out on him and kids although we were friendly, she was behaving like his wife, when it happened first thing she did i mean in 2 days she was down council insisting she needed a house near to kids yet she neva does a thing, then tried for there child ben, and then expected criminal compensation! need i say more! when the benifits agency said they wouldnt pay for the funeral ( was agreed i'd try if not father in law who works still would pay) i called to let them know al i got was oh you best see c.a.b in other words tough £2.664 bill 2 kids on berevament benefit £80 a month, luckily it was paid by compensation board but they didnt care, now its headstone time they know what they want but need me to say ok what choice do i have! thay also put up a memory site of husband didnt tell me i found out via someone else , al the pic's up there and not one of me and him but several of his ex wife and some even from our wedding, i have done nothing wrong my husband was having the affair, i have helped out no end and yet i get this! wow sorry for that vent but know one gets it, one afternoon dd nan called and did ask if i was ok in general but she got it all, i had been having very bad time with dd moments as i call them where everyday between school and home which is 6 min walk i'd just given up wanted to scream if she wasnt all the way home for no reason and i'd need to send her to her room, the mutism came in big time alot together over 3 wks so i wasnt to happy, so i said no i feel like cr*p bless her reply, why has old things come back!!!!!!!!!! did they ever go! no one has helped me with 1 thing but you know something i can do it as i have to . i tried calling cruse but sorry to say sounded like all elderly people sat with their knitting and porrige and didnt feel comfy, i got sick of people listen to me saying how bad things were only to say your coping so well, did they know was they here no cos no one was just me and kids, the only me time i got was in the car driving from friends house and that was the only time i could cry, (not good to cry and drive) now i have a ahuge photo of him on my wall and this helps, my ds keeps me going and looking after my husbands birds, i can cry or get upset over silly things like a tin opener dont ask sounds mad but memories every where, I do wander why me, why do i struggle but i do cope i do get through someone said i'm like a duck on the surface i look ok but underneath my legs going nine to a dozen, my ds has nursery funding 2 morn a wk, but i need that time as for some crazy reason i thought be good to start my studies with open uni for psychology and need to cram 12 hours into 6 a week, my dd would not stay with anyone but her nan or dad, which sometimes is hard to ask them as wk before 15th dec i asked to have dd after school as i was taking friend shopping, nan's reply was oh but i gotta get food and i gotta cook and oh for xmas!!!!!!!!!! does anyone here cook 10days before the day ???? once her excuse was she needed to do house work as had a guest in 3 wks time, so alway fighting up hill struggle on that one, i have excepted that its just me and the kids now and to apprieciate what bit of help i do get and mange things around the rest, just there no real let up friends and people saying lets go out do this or that and i get tired of even that i just feel everyone on my back and although they know about dd they dont get going out has to be managed for her as much as my ds , if he sleeps after 2 he's up til 11pm so no me time! despite my rant and sounding all negative to others around me , i know i go through stages where i cant be bothered like now my house phone has been unplugged for a wk, not that anyone calls but at least i feel its my choice, but next week i'll be back to rushing about finding things to keep mind going, its all we can do get up get on is my fav saying at the moment. but thankyou smiley for your post