Hairspray Queen

Hello all, Just wanted to re-introduce myself as I introduced myself a long time ago but haven't really been active on here for a while. I'm a 25-yr-old "NT" female and I've been with my boyfriend with diagnosed Aspergers Syndrome for 5 years now. We've recently moved in together. We love each other to bits but at times I find the relationship difficult and can feel quite lonely and isolated. I wanted to join this forum to meet other females in my position for friendship and support. So if you feel that that describes you please feel free to reply to this or send me a personal message! Looking forward to hearing from some of you. X

Hi there, I'm 25, I've been with my AS boyfriend for 5 years now and we've recently moved in together. It's not an easy relationship and sometimes I feel quite lonely and isolated, but there's a lot of love there. It's great that he is so expressive with his love for you. I'm a bit envious of that actually! My bf is lovely and very affectionate but he doesn't really go in for love letters. We used to send each other soppy e-mails when we first got together but that faded out. So your bf's expression of love is a very positive point. It sounds as though your bf wants his own space occasionally and his way of obtaining that is by blocking people out - even you, the person who he's closest to. Self-isolation seems to be quite a common trait in people with AS. He's probably drained and over-stimulated by things going on in his life and needs time to himself to recharge his batteries. My bf can spend hours playing computer games. In fact, as I sit here typing this on my laptop, he's playing on his computer, and has done pretty much all afternoon! You say you understand your bf's need for space so that's a good thing - you have accepted that and you're willing to work with it. What seems to be missing is some communication. And maybe some compromise. Tell your bf that you love him and you're happy to give him the space he requires, but equally he needs to be honest and upfront and tell you when he needs space. Him just disappearing without explanation is not fair on you. Also, there may be times when you need him more than he needs his own space, when your needs are greater than his. This is something you should also talk to him about. You're willing to consider his needs but he needs to be willing to consider yours and hopefully you can meet halfway. Hope that helps. Keep in touch. I'm always willing to talk to other females with AS male partners! x

Hi Chris, I'm "NT" and female, but I hope that doesn't mean that I can't offer thoughts and advice to you. I'm not much older than you (24) and can relate to how you feel. I'm quite a shy person so I used to worry about not finding anyone, etc. I would second all the advice given to you here though. I had a few very short relationships before I met my current bf, who has AS, and who I've been with for 4 years. It *does* happen when you're not looking for it, and I tend to think that when you find someone it kind of happens naturally. It is awkward and nerve-wracking, but it will just happen. I think that what would help is, as has already been said, if you try to acquire hobbies and interests etc where you can meet new people. Basically, I guess you need to think of yourself as a well-rounded individual and comfortable with yourself before you let anyone else into your life. I have a female friend with AS, who is single, and, although she wouldn't mind meeting a bloke, she's quite comfortable with being single because she has "got to know herself". Join clubs and societies at uni and don't be scared to turn up to things when you don't know anyone else. There may be clubs and societies for things you haven't tried and are only vaguely interested in, well that's okay, it's good to try new things and learn about things. If you really don't like them, you can just leave! I guess part of me just wants to say live life to the full, cuz, 3 years on, I'm missing uni still! I think it's true what they say they're the best days of your life, so make the most of them! When I got with my bf, he started by taking me out for lunch. It *was* awkward, in fact I remember him saying, "I've kind of realised we don't really know each other that well do we?" But that was okay, because although he was bringing attention to the fact it was a little awkward, the obvious solution was there - to get to know each other better! I remember a date I went on in my first year at uni, with this guy who kept pointing out all the awkward silences. It was really off-putting, because it just made us both look like the date was failing (which, in all fairness, it was, I didn't see him again!). So it's okay if it's awkward, but think positively! I agree with what someone said about watching a film or something together and then having a meal or coffee afterwards. It does give you a topic of conversation to fall back on if things get awkward. I think one of the most daunting things about first dates is being so open about yourself. The girl wants to know who exactly you are, what your ambitions are, what your views/politics are, what your interests are. Be aware that there may be differences of opinion but that's okay, you can't agree on everything. Just be positive about things and smile - smiling is warm, friendly and makes you look confident, even if inside you're not. And remember, something I think some men forget - girls get nervous on dates too! They want to impress men just as much as the guy wants to impress the girl! So don't feel that all the pressure is on you. Good luck and keep us posted! X

Hi Hsmum and Delyth, Thanks for your replies. Sorry I've taken so long to reply myself. As you said, Hsmum, there is a *lot* of negativity on some other websites for AS partners. I joined this one because I was hoping for a more balanced and positive view (plus it's for UK citizens, whereas the others I joined were dominated mainly by Americans). I have posted in Meet & Greet, where there is a bit of a long-winded discussion. I have to admit, I unintentionally caused a bit of controversy when quoting some of the more negative theories regarding AS/NT relationships. I have apologised and explained myself better. I'm at a stage where I'm trying to ascertain where the difficulties lie - with the AS aspect and with my own issues. Generally my bf and I are happy but I have felt from early on that there was "something missing". I'm still trying to ascertain what exactly *is* missing, but I have become clearer on some issues that we have in the relationship. I think we have had some co-dependency issues. Our relationship was very intense from the start, he was depressed and drinking a lot and was leaning heavily on me for emotional support. At first it was okay to give a lot of support, but over time I realised that it was making me a bit overprotective of him and reluctant to bring up anything negative about the relationship or otherwise. He's a lot more stable and calm now, and I think we're both gaining independence outside the relationship, so we're not too reliant on the other. Communication is a bit hit and miss. Some times it's effortless and free-flowing, other times it's a bit of a strain. We're both quite good at explaining ourselves but, ocassionally, like in any relationship, there are misunderstandings. In terms of empathy, he is very good. He may not necessarily understand my point of view, but he will listen and try to be supportive as far as he can. Some times I can feel listened to but not "heard", but generally he knows me well enough to know what's important to me and my views on most things. I have some issues of my own regarding commitment and settling down due to my parents' own unhappy marriage. There is depression and heavy drinking in my family as well as my bf's, which does give me anxieties about the relationship, regardless of AS. I have to admit, the AS does scare me a little too, however, as I've heard some very negative things from NT women in relationships with AS men. I also attended one of Maxine Aston's Healing of Cassandra workshops, which, although useful, I also found very negative. I'll look at the website, Delyth. I'm sure it'll be useful, thanks. X

Hi Dee 23, Thank you for your reply to my message. I have to admit that I was a bit patronised by the comments about my age (I’ve had a lot of those from people from other forums, plus the Cassandra workshop), but you redeemed yourself by saying I’m not immature! I realised I really could’ve worded myself better in my message about “general trends”, in fact I kinda cringed when I reread it a moment ago. Basically, I’m finding everything a bit confusing at the moment. I’m trying to work out what the issues are in the relationship and differentiating them from my own issues. I have been for counselling and it did help. In some ways I wish I could go for more counselling, but I can’t afford long-term counselling and to be honest I am finding that I am slowly working things out for myself. Some times I do feel that I’ve had all hope sucked out of me, by all the negativity I’ve heard. But then other times I feel positive, energised and defiant toward all those who tell me that my relationship will just make me unhappy. It has *never* made me unhappy; but I *have* felt that there is something missing. Yes I did join a few online forums, and they all emphasised this choice that I have to make, can I put up with this relationship for the rest of my life, etc, etc. I don’t feel it’s a case of “putting up” with the relationship, just a case of whether it’s what I really want, regardless of AS. I went to the Cassandra workshop feeling hopeful and positive. Those hopes were completely sucked out of me. About four of the women told me I need to “get out of there, while you still can,”, “This is the best it will ever be, it’ll only get worse”, basically that even if I was completely happy now then it would all go horribly wrong after marriage… As if my bf was going to have a personality transplant. At the time I really didn’t know what to think any more. I had just committed to giving things another go with my bf, we were being open and honest and we were starting to work through things and get closer. I knew that a lot of what these women said was wrong, but at the same time could relate to some of what they were feeling and saw them as older and wiser than me. I guess at the time I was also feeling vulnerable, and being told by several “NT” women in AS relationships that it would all end in tears… I just can’t even begin to describe how utterly lost I was feeling. (I use the “” for the term “NT” because I dislike it, I mean what the Hell is typical?!). During the 18 weeks I went for counselling, two things my counsellor said, that have stuck in my mind, were:- “It sounds as though you love (insert my bf’s name here) to bits, but you also love yourself, and that’s a good thing.” “It sounds as though you have three (insert bf’s name again)s in your mind. The one who drinks and will potentially end up like your dad. The one who has AS and will potentially end up like some of the husbands of those women you’ve talked to. And the one who will lie in the park with you, in the sun, and who you can plan holidays with. That’s the one you need to nurture, because that’s who he is.” Dee23, would I be able to message you offline at some point? Thanks for reading. X

Just quickly as i'm in a bit of a rush but just to make one thing straight. I'm not saying I support the theories that AS/NT relationships are unhealthy. And the bit about women from dysfunctional backgrounds... I meant going out with "emotionally unavailable" men, not AS men. Basically, relationships where they might be unhappy. That's only a theory. (I'll reference here the book: Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood). It was at Maxine Aston's Healing of Cassandra workshop that I heard that women are attracted to, or stay in relationships with "emotionally unavailable" men, such as some AS men, because they're unhappy. She talks about Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/, a form of depression some women *may* get in relationships with men with AS, because of the difficulties with empathy and communication. In my relationships, these aren't *that* bad but they *can* be an issue. Sometimes I feel I recognise some of the symptoms of CADD within myself and other times I don't. I am sick of hearing all that negative press too. That's why I joined this forum. To meet people who were a bit more positive! To be honest, all the negative press is getting me down, more so than the relationship. I have my own issues too. More my own issues, to be honest, than issues in the relationship, I think. Generally there are good days and bad days in the relationship. Generally I think we're happier now we're being open and honest with each other. We had a lovely evening last night. He took me out for a Thai meal and we had a great time, effortless conversation, was wonderful. I *know* that there are happy AS/NT couples out there. I'd like to hear about them! That's why I'm here. Positive coping strategies and emotional support with the bad stuff. That's all. And yes I know all relationships can be hard work, regardless of AS, but there are some issues that are a little more pronounced in AS relationships. I really don't want to let my boyfriend go. I love him. But there are just some aspects of the relationship that make me unhappy. I want to deal with these *before* the bigger committments, the marriage, the kids, in case I *do* end up like many of the depressed women I've spoken to and heard about. I have major, major fears about ending in a bad relationship, partly 'cuz of all the negative press and partly cuz of my family issues. At the moment it's not that bad at all, but I guess I'm aware that there are issues which are *threatening* to get worse. Yes I have a lot of issues myself, but I'm honest about that. I really hope I've made myself clearer. X

Hi Dee 23, Firstly, if you have work to do then don't let this distract you. I'm really grateful for your post and it's calmed me down a lot. So only read further when you have time.... Since my earlier posts I went to have a swim and some lunch, so feeling a bit more settled into the day now. About the work/hard work thing... the relationship *can* be *hard work* at *times*. Not often, though, and most of the time we get on and communicate well. It's not hard work *all* the time, by any means. I can totally relate to what attracted you to your partner. I felt needed and wanted too and got an ego boost from that. I have also had a bit of a troubled upbringing. My parents are unhappily married and my Dad is an alcoholic, so I've had that burden to carry. I guess we both support the statistics that women who go out with men with AS have usually come from dysfunctional backgrounds. There is the theory that we are with them to "fix" them as a result of our upbringings. It makes sense to me, but I'd like to think that it's more than that. I make an effort not to *fix* my boyfriend, but to *help* him. He is always going to find some things difficult, and I know I have to accept that if I want to stay with him. I'm emotionally in quite deep with my boyfriend. I genuinely care about him and I guess one of the things I've been working on is boundaries. He's emotionally quite stable at the moment, he's a lot calmer than he used to be. When we first met he was drinking heavily and was quite depressed. As you said, you get an ego boost knowing that you can help someone. And in my case, I work in a caring profession (at a special needs school) and am interested in counselling/therapy as a career. I've heard theories that it's quite unhealthy to be attracted to AS men because of our own dysfunctional family upbringings. We need to "heal ourselves" and get out of these "unhealthy" relationships with "emotionally unavailable" men. For some women, this may be true. But I wouldn't describe my boyfriend as "emotionally unavailable". He's still very caring and attentive and always tries his best to look after me. I think that what the resentment stems from is that I still feel lonely at times (common in AS/NT relationships apparently) and distant from him. He doesn't get anxious so much any more, but he did used to, and of course, it could come back. I think, at times, that he's needed me so much that I've felt that my needs haven't been met. It's difficult to explain, because he's not really a needy person. He doesn't really demand anything of me as such. So it's a bit of a grey area of uncertainty for me at the moment. I just used to feel that I couldn't tell him when I was unhappy because he would be unable to manage his own emotions. We did have one conversation in the beginning of our relationship where I was pointing out that I was unhappy with something (I can't even remember what) and he got extremely anxious. He started stammering and was unable to talk. We ended up wripping a tissue box open, finding a pen from somewhere and him writing down his side of the conversation. He's also had meltdowns where he's had temper tantrums and hit walls. These have been scary. I know he'd never hit me or intentionally hurt me in any way, but I just found it so frightening when you watch someone lose control... He is so much calmer now, but I think those early experiences made me shy away from confronting him about issues. I was so scared to upset him. I just worried that he'd freak out and get suicidal, like I know he has been in the past. It's becoming clearer to me as I write this, actually. Sometimes it's not so much been that there have been issues that I've felt scared to talk about with him. It's been that I've often felt that I haven't had the *option* of speaking to him, if I wanted to, for fear of upsetting him. It's put pressure on me to keep things together and not demand too much of him. I have that pressure from my family too. Well, the pressure is in my head really, I guess. Every member of my nuclear family has suffered or is suffering from depression, to an extent. My mum once said to me, due to my family's depressive tendencies, "I'm glad you're happy... At least one of us is." I remember turning away, stifling tears, wanting to scream "HOW CAN I BE HAPPY WHEN NONE OF YOU ARE?". I've just felt that I've had to always be the stable one, the one who keeps things together. I realise now that I need to just look after myself and not my family. There's nothing I can do for them apart from be there when they need me. But even that's difficult when every phone conversation is a reminder of their unhappiness. I know I digressed there. I just wanted you to understand where the resentment comes from. And no, it's not fair to direct it all at my boyfriend, and I try not to. I try not to feel any resentment towards him, but I guess you can't help your feelings, even if you know they're unjustified. I feel resentment towards my family too. I guess that I just come into more contact with my boyfriend, so maybe, although I know it's unfair, I unconsciously direct most of it at him. In all fairness, my boyfriend has coped brilliantly with things recently. Last year we nearly broke up, because all of these bottled up doubts I was having came to a head and I suddenly decided that I didn't love him and we weren't meant to be together. I panicked, to be honest. I couldn't deal with the uncomfortable feelings. Every time he was nice to me I felt guilty for feeling this resentment, this distance, this unappreciation. We had some space for a couple of weeks and then got together to discuss things. He was remarkably calm, had written things down that he thought he could work on to make things better, we talked for hours and we got back together. Since that evening I've decided to be as open and honest with myself and him as possible, and he's worked with me. We're reading books together and reading books seperately (which we'll probably swap at some point) and I think we have got closer. As you said about in your relationship, I think there's co-dependency in mine too. I used to think that he was too dependent on me, but I've also realised I'm quite dependent on him. As you say, in a sense, he's my comfort zone. I think that's why "people like us" (a sweeping generalisation, I know) go for "men like them" (another sweeping generalisaton). For me, I don't feel that either my family or my boyfriend are emotionally unavailable, they *will* try to take care of me as much as possible, but what I sometimes feel is that it's too much to ask. But I feel that with, "men like them", they're more accepting than the NT men I've dated or been close to. There's no pressure to fit into a social circle... I don't know, it's hard to explain, but in a way I feel that they're "safe" relationships. That they need us, so they will be loyal and faithful. I realise that that sounds, almost big-headed, and patronising towards AS men, but it's just the impression I get. Maybe I didn't word it as well as I should've. And I know I've made sweeping generalisations there, but I've been informed that that's the general trend. I'm not saying that every NT/AS relationship is like that. I know that it's too soon to be settling down with a man. My boyfriend and I don't live together. We may move in next year but it really depends on how I'm feeling at the time. I know that he'd be happy to move in with me, but I think he understands my feelings and isn't putting pressure on me. Certainly marriage and kids are something I'm not even remotely ready to think about yet. Wow, writing all that really helped. Thank you. Now it may be time for a cup of tea...

Hi, Smiley, 1590 - Yeah I have to say I've looked at all those links before. But thanks anyway, I appreciate you looking them up for me. I do want to read The Asperger Marriage book, but at the moment I have a few other AS relationship books to get through. I've done so much reading yet have so much to still do! Bid - I'm truly sorry if I sounded out of line with what I said about the relationship being hard work. I have to admit, I disagree that no relationship should be hard work, in fact, quite the opposite, I think that the majority of relationships *are* hard work at times. They require a lot of compromise. I'm not saying they are all hard work and nothing else, no-one wants that. But I think that in loving someone, you accept that it can be hard work at times, but you're prepared to do that. I don't mean it to sound like I've completely sacraficed myself in the relationship. I know I've focussed on the negative points a lot, because that's what I need support with. And they're what I'm dwelling on at the moment. Possibly too much - I analyse *everything*. I've heard a lot of women say that men with AS are selfish, immature and that a relationship with them won't work. I disagree. Strongly. That's kind of why I joined this group really. I guess I wanted to speak to other women in a relationship with a man with AS who *don't* think that. Who *do* find the relationship hard work but are *happy*,or at least, getting there. I think that having AS must be a struggle enough, without all the negative press there is. I attended one of Maxine Aston's workshops about Cassandra Affective Deprivation Disorder, in the hope it would help me understand and express my negative feelings, learn from them and feel stronger in my relationship. Unfortunately, it didn't. All of the other women in the workshop were older than me and advising me to "leave him while you still can". If I really can't see hope for the relationship, then I will leave, but as it stands, I really really want to make a go of it. I think I must love him, but I just sometimes wish there were more emotions there. Anyway, sorry if I digressed a bit there. The point is, I'm sorry for sounding negative about AS relationships. Everyone can be hard work - I know I can - so I didn't mean to point the finger at people with AS. Hope I've made myself a bit clearer. X

Hello all, I joined this group because I wanted to speak to others in my position and maybe make friends! I'll give a brief introduction. I'm 24-yr-old female, currently living in the South of England (although my family are from the Midlands). I have been in a relationship with a man with clinically diagnosed Aspergers Syndrome for four years. We met at uni and just clicked. He was diagnosed with AS a few months after we got together, so I've pretty much always known, however, over the past year or so, difficulties have come to light. I was first attracted to him because he was so attentive, caring, honest and faithful, not to mention gorgeous! I absolutely adore him, but after the initial euphoria I started to have doubts, which mounted up. After nearly splitting with him last year, I decided to confront the doubts head on, be open and honest with him and have a damn good go at making things work. I realised that, although for the most part we get along fine, I do find that the relationship can be hard work, and it's taken its toll on me. Like most men with AS, he has difficulty managing his emotions, communication and social difficulties and some times struggles with empathy. At times I feel happy with him, but at others I get some quite negative and uncomfortable emotions, such as guilt and resentment. I've read up a lot about these sorts of relationships and joined other online support groups. I've heard a lot of negative stuff, so am really looking for some positive support! I'm looking to speak to young people in similar positions to me, for positive emotional support and to share and swap coping strategies. Thanks for reading this. X

Hi BD and Kathryn, Yes I do wonder to an extent if it is just that the honeymoon period has worn off. I know that I adore him, but sometimes I wish I just felt a bit more emotional towards him, e.g., (at risk of sounding cheesy), the "melting" feeling. *Shrugs*. I dunno, I'm not sure if you're *supposed* to feel that later on in a relationship or not. Maybe I focus too much on what I'm *supposed* to have and not so much on what I *do* have. I am uncertain about the relationship and he knows this. I know I've put him through a lot of stress lately. I'm turning to others for emotional support in addition to speaking to him. I am open and honest with him, in fact I think he'll be joining this forum too soon. There may be things that I don't want to say in front of him, in which case I'd try to message people off the forum or ask them to message me off the forum. I don't think that that's necessarily a bad thing, just maybe I want support working things out for myself. He hasn't changed during the course of the relationship, he's still attentive, kind, caring, loyal, gorgeous etc. So yeah, maybe it is me. Some days I feel positive, happy and loving towards him, other times I wonder if we're really right for each other. At the moment I am uncertain and confused. I'll check out the "Beyond Adolescence" section. Thanks. X

Hello all, I joined this group because I wanted to speak to others in my position and maybe make friends! I'll give a brief introduction. I'm 24-yr-old female, currently living in the South of England (although my family are from the Midlands). I have been in a relationship with a man with clinically diagnosed Aspergers Syndrome for four years. We met at uni and just clicked. He was diagnosed with AS a few months after we got together, so I've pretty much always known, however, over the past year or so, difficulties have come to light. I was first attracted to him because he was so attentive, caring, honest and faithful, not to mention gorgeous! I absolutely adore him, but after the initial euphoria I started to have doubts, which mounted up. After nearly splitting with him last year, I decided to confront the doubts head on, be open and honest with him and have a damn good go at making things work. I realised that, although for the most part we get along fine, I do find that the relationship can be hard work, and it's taken its toll on me. Like most men with AS, he has difficulty managing his emotions, communication and social difficulties and some times struggles with empathy. At times I feel happy with him, but at others I get some quite negative and uncomfortable emotions, such as guilt and resentment. I've read up a lot about these sorts of relationships and joined other online support groups. I've heard a lot of negative stuff, so am really looking for some positive support! I'm looking to speak to young people in similar positions to me, for positive emotional support and to share and swap coping strategies. Thanks for reading this. X