Vanna

hi, Meethoss. Have to take each day as it comes. Hubby got his meds increased so this may help some of it. Your right the depression is the no hope, no outlook, no optimism mainly lack of job/options/money for fun another factor! He is not BP - that was my dx 10 yrs ago, now they have no clue what to do with me! I dont know why I am not careening of the edge in my own gloom but thats a good thing. I guess I am trying to focus on positive things as I spent a few yrs not even getting out of bed the depression was so bad. I wont go back there again! with or w/o a dx, it's not that bad, so at least that part is ok! I'm back in to the psych next week to hopefully convince him again about the AS! If not then I guess I've hit a wall with the NHS. Which I am fully expecting, and I don't really need them to tell me something when I've known myself way longer and from what I can tell, it hits the nail on the head. I know I am not a professional so it would be nice to have it official ... For my own peace of mind I guess if nothing else. My husband appreciates your good luck to him, and so do I for that matter! I'm also trying to self teach digital aspects of design (I learned print so at least I know that and have a degree I CAN use, unlike him, so he gets first dibs on the good PC) (this one is Not it!!) Hope things are well with you. baranigirl - Good luck to your partner with the right dx. How long have you been trying to get one, or learning about AS?

Meethoss, you're right, self absorbed wasn't exactly what I was trying to say, but I couldn't quite explain it ... lol ... I think I am similar, if I am drawn into the conversation then I will do the give and take, etc, too... Hmm, well BP's tend to be a totally different bag of worms, I can't claim to get it, despite what the doctors thought I had, I display none of the symptoms nor the understanding, so I cant begin to grasp why if your ex came with to the appointment, she would not be just a little bit understanding. Some people you just can't make be nice or compassionate I guess. I do think hubby's stress plays a significant role in my own, and last night I finally find the right time to talk about the issues bothering me, but then in the morning its all a cycle again. So he's very grumpy in the morning, maybe incredible hulk style, so I just need to learn to let him get on with it and don't really take it to heart how he reacts before he's had about 10 cups of coffee! HE needs to sort THAT out, how he reacts to nothing in the morning. Regardless, I did have success in showing him I do care about what he does, and showing interest. So it just seems a bit back and forth until he does his part and gets on board with not getting upset at every tiny thing and taking it out on me. Hmm, speaking of bi polar I wonder if this is at all similar? LOL no really he is depressed and on anti -depressants but this goes further. It can't just only be AS and me misjudging absolutely everything. The law of averages has got to be on my side, a little here ... On the home-front, I have tried to be more interested in what hubby is working on and he mentioned that he was really pleased and it made him feel a lot better about it. All this time I worry how things are for me, not realizing that deep down, it just seems that he wants my approval, etc. Wow, what a breakthrough I guess you could call it! Now I just need to hope he can stabilise his moods, so to speak... But your right about the self teaching. And I think that would look much better to an employer, taking the initiative rather than just doing what you are told in class ....

hi Melanster Well at least you two are still committed to be there for each other no matter what, so that's a great start. Another thing is sometimes when he is reacting it may not be only what you just said/did. It could be building up. Then again, that could be just me... Sometimes things bother me for a long time as I tend to bottle all my feelings and then I will just explode, randomly. I'm trying to be aware of it, but it's something I've done since childhood. A lot of behaviour IS subconscious, that's why it's so hard to change - unless you know why you absolutely have to. Good Luck

Meethos - It may not have made a difference if your ex had known you had AS back then. No matter how much they "know" in the middle of arguments it can be hard to remember/take on board, etc or not react to just "because we're different" than NT's, etc....Some people just are not the right one, which sounds like if she wont even take on board what you are saying that was pretty obviously the case. At least you know what not to do... Relationships are really hard whether they actually work out or not!! On another note, I feel like every day I try so hard to find the right time to discuss issues, or even really talk at all about anyting. Maybe with some people there never is one. I like your idea of making notes on what to say and just waiting it out. Maybe it wont be the right time for a week or even several ... (I think my husband is very stressed about what he is trying to get his head around - we cant afford to sent him to Uni, nor would it be right time of life, but he never did find himself a career, and I did although It's not doing much good now) so he is self teaching himself a field with a lot of intricate computer programs, etc, which is always upsetting and stressing him.) I feel like I have tried lots to tell him why I need things over explained, clarification, etc, because I really hate not understanding and it makes me feel like I'm stupid and I can't handle understanding something. Oh but I can, I just need someone to take the extra 20 seconds and explain a few extra details here and there. I don't meant to be annoying with it, but then I feel by the way he reacts that I'm such a pain in the ... just for needing more understanding. And here I thought the only stupid question was one you don't ask. Jeez, I cant win! The not understanding is definitely is something that has lost me some jobs, NOT getting further clarification, or in writing etc... and more than a few! And it's not for lack of trying to understand. The way I see it, some people either will not or cannot explain further - maybe they really have no idea what they are talking about? Here's a thought! I feel like yes I can learn the skills but without the clarification I keep asking for ... EVER... then I don't know how its supposed to happen. If someone is literally always stressed, to the point where every other aspect of their life is a non-issue, maybe my clarification is the least of my problems... sigh! But yes, I will definitely keep you posted on any changes. Bid - you bring up a good point in just asking basic things, how was your day, etc. With my husband in particular, we had a similar argument yesterday. He said that I don't care at all about what he is working on, although I really do, I just don't understand all the technical jargon. But the end result is pretty impressive given that he is self-taught. So that made me realize I need to be more, so what are you doing, what is that, how long did it take, etc or similar. Because since I live with him, and love him (sometimes! ha ha! ;P) and don't really have any one else major part of my life, then I need to do more to keep the relationship together, seen as he is always stressed I could find some small way of showing my appreciation instead of being so self-absorbed. I don't' mean to - It just tends to not even occur to me at all ... So it's an eye opener at least... Tally - With strangers, that is a good point, just trying to be friendly and smiling. I know I have not done this at previous jobs so I will keep it in mind, for when I do get one (it's bound to happen sooner or later, I hope!!)

hi Melanster, welcome to the forum. I'm married too, but have un-diagnosed AS (for myself - not husband) for which I am pursuing a diagnoses. I agree, marriage is hard at the best of times, never mind when you throw in any excess baggage, such as AS, etc! It can be hard when the AS person can't differentiate moods, tones, or have empathy, or express emotion in a normal way. However from personal experience, I do think it is different when it affects women rather than men, as we do tend to be more emotive and expressive then our Aspie male counterparts. We live in London, but I am from the states, so that is where all my family is, so that's another issue between us, always only being my husband and I and never having anyone else in our life. He is not from London, so neither of us have anyone down here, so to speak.... which can be hard and lonely I guess. Personally, the more we as a couple have learned about AS, the more we think it explains a lot of what I do and helps to allow him to try and understand me. And it also has helped me so much to understand something of myself that I have gone almost 30 yrs just thinking I was odd, and no one understanding me, which is a pretty huge deal for me. good luck and hang in there! Vanna

I guess it could be a common mis-diagnoses... so hopefully I will get that squared away eventually. ... That stinks that she didn't believe you when you actually did try to say how you feel. I know it can be hard (at least for me) to pinpoint how Im actually feeling , let alone tell someone! You do have a point about not telling him when everything is heated so to speak - I tend to not sense the right time, just say things when I feel like it (not trying to be rude when I do that, just can't sense the mood, or I misinterpret what I think the mood is, etc). I'm trying t work on that, but I don't feel I am doing so well with it! I don't have great relationships with anyone in my life for that matter, so maybe this is why. I just thought "I'm a nice person, people just have issues", not really over-thinking that I have issues holding down friendships or relationships or even keeping the family sweet, so to speak... I think maybe the thing with not being very empathetic is you end up hurting people without trying to. It seems like pretty much every time we have an argument I totally misunderstand what hubby is saying and I say what I think I heard, to clarify, and he misunderstands that I'm only trying to clarify and says something along the lines of I cant believe you think I would do such and such, etc.... and the fight ensues. Its just so exhausting! (Sometimes I don't know how we got together in the first place! Or how anyone does for that matter!) Is it AS or is it just men and women differences or is it that he is also quite quick tempered? Or a combination, or just timing. It is so frustrating some times!!!!

Hi Meethoss, I agree, no one can understand how you feel if you don't tell them. Maybe I have a hard time communicating that, but I think I do tell him, maybe it's in my own way or at the wrong time, etc... And it is good to know that I'm not crazy, just needing every little tiny thing explained. I guess when I do that he thinks Im over-complicating things. How can I over-complicate it when it seems already complicated if I don't have each tiny thing broken down into something simplified that I can understand! I feel like sometimes I can't win here... Especially in a marriage or any relationship for that matter, it's always stressful because there are so many differences between women and men understanding each other at the best of times, before you throw in AS and BP. Oh yeah, they dx's me with BP too, so I can see where you are coming from in that relationship... that isn't easy to deal with (or be) for that matter! I don't agree with that dx, this was before I had any idea what AS was, and maybe exibited some symptoms which i even found a lot of research that points to how mis diagnosed people are with Bi polar and a lot of times it really is Asperger's. Funny I guess... Here's a link if you are interested - you never know, your ex could have still had AS and not known it, or I've heard it's common to have both. http://www.autism-world.com/index.php/2008...rgers-syndrome/

Thanks for all of your input ... I am seeing the Psychologist again in about a week, so I will make sure to keep mentioning the reasons I think AS fits more then any of the other things he has recommended. Otherwise, I think I too, will need to go private, eventually... It would help if I had down time so to speak, so I will try to keep that in mind, but I dont feel smootherd, in fact I am the one who wants to hang out, maybe because Im at a loose end with not much to do - Im not working right now, but I do have a specific need for a scedule. If I don't do things at a certain time, then my whole day gets ruined and I'm really cranky, and that is hard to explain to hubby WHY I can't just be more flexible. I honestly don't know why I can't go with the flow but I can't. Im not a very laid back person, I guess... Other times when hubby says what's wrong, etc, if he thinks I am upset about something, he knows even before I do, so I have a hard time explaining what is wrong if I don't even know how I am feeling. I think its a learning process and the more I read, learn, or post I pick up something else valuable I can talk to him about. And I do think it would be helpful to see marriage counselling, etc, but we cant' afford that right now, so its one of the hardest trying to keep a marriage going and being pretty ###### at communicating. Not that I enjoy communicating with other people either, even if most situations are NOT confrontational, I still find them exhausting and draining to deal with... but marriage is the hardest since that is the one relationship that really matters, I don't think it matters as much no matter how stressful it may be, to deal with other people you don't know that well, if at all, since you don't love them. With a spouse its a different story, so if there is communication issues or you cant understand each other then its hard. Sometimes I get where he is coming from but sometimes not at all and I need every little thing explained which frustrates him and the way he reacts really puts me off even asking for clarification. So that seems to be my road block. Am I asking for too much explanations to each and every little thing or should I just let it go? Maybe he would take it more seriously if I had an official dx, but he believes I have AS too, so we are not basing this just on what one doc says ... Or maybe he just needs to understand more about the condition .... not just take my word for it, but do his own research? I dont know if any of you are married or at least have experience trying to tell a loved one how AS is for you?

hi Meethoss, Thanks for that. I guess its saving up for me then! Did the private doctor send the results to your normal GP so they know, or is this documented in any way or is it more for your own peace of mind? I think that is what I do as well, I hide it pretty well and when I'm dealing with other people I can pretend its all fine then when I get home its a complete nightmare and all the issues I was bottling inside come rushing out! I don't know why I bottle everything and stuff all my feelings inside, regarding pretty much anything, I just don't react at all, until well after the fact. Maybe it's some sort of coping mechanism which is really not helping - especially if that supposed coping is during a psych visit, then they WON'T see what they need to. I'm so used to doing it, though, and just act out when I get home, which is not fair to my husband. I try to be aware but its so hard to change what you do after 30 yrs of doing it for some unknown reason!

Hi Tally, Actually, he does come with me to all of my appts. So I can see how if he did not come maybe the psychiatrist was missing something but I've always brought hubby to these appts because I know that I cannot really be objective about the things that are not happening in that particular moment in time. I see him again in a few weeks so hopefully he will let me know if I've got a referral or what. Do you know how long the process usually should take? I know everyone on here says it is a long one just wondering if that is weeks. months or years!

Hi All, Recently, I've been to see a psychiatrist as the first point of call to get referred to someone to dx me. He said he does not think I display the symptoms of the spectrum. I think I was not sure why he said that, I cant make him give me a dx, and I cant guarantee I have AS if I have not been dx'ed, right? But Im pretty sure I do, I have scored a 40 on the AQ test, and exhibit a lot of the social/communication/misunderstanding symptoms. Well needless to say I see him in a few more weeks again to see if it is still what I think it is and I do, and if so, I believe then he will try to refer me for a second opinion. The problem is he may not pick up on it, as I don't act like "myself" when I'm out and about, doing errands, seeing doctors, just doing what needs to be done. No, I guess, sad to say, I save it all the issues and problems until I get home - I guess we are more comfortable in our own home where we can let it all hang out so to speak, and that of course affects my husband. So I'm still trying to pursue that and trying to really think about the things that usually trigger episodes, and avoid at all costs making the kind of phone calls about bills, etc! Last time I did I threw the phone and broke it so lest any thing else gets broken due to just the major problems that arise when dealing with most people causes me, I need to do things that don't involve that. But when I do (family relationships are easier - only in a sense that you know you can trust them) I can ask, what did you mean by that, etc. If it seems I am being a pain, or overcomplicating things, so be it! At least no one can then fault me for my AS being the issue when I've asked for clarification when communicating as I've been known to misunderstand verbal and mood cues, etc. - Vanna

Oh right I've got my days mixed up but thats what I meant. Although technically, right now it is tomorrow already, so really the snow will be tomorrow? lol Its past midnight wed or thurs am if you will and Im just being a smart a*s. :lol: baddad that was so funny, your whole post. I espesically loved the bit I quoted. Made my day! (you get the idea, with all the little smileys...!!!!

KezT, cheers for that. I will look into it tomorrow. too tired now! lol

J-pod by Douglas Coupland. And one of the characters has AS tendancies ... also it is very wacky and funny. but thats just me... I thought yeah right for ages, but my husband forced me practically to read it. He's read it about 5 times in the last 2 yrs... Definately recommend!

congrats, thats awesome!