Fido

hi badddad Thanks for your input. You are spot on with your analaysis of Mollie and her brother Jake. She cann't understand why at 11 he can do things, like walk to school with his friends without an adult, that she cann't. I try to explain the difference to her but to no avail. At her assessment i was told that she saw herself on the same social level as adults and so the restraints put on her must be very confusing. Her IQ was tested at the age of 3 due to constant problems at nursery school by the head Physc. He was amazed and had never had such a result in all his years of practice. He is a wonderful man well past retirement age with a particular interest in asd. In short he does the job for his love of special kids and it was him who confirmed to me and my husband that he would be astounded if my husband wasn't on the autistic spectrum. My husband designs and builds glass kilns for artists and was diagnosed with ocd 10 years ago. After reading about aspergers for my daughter i realised that the same things applied to my son and husband. I shall continue with the tantrums on important issues that i feel i really need to be strong on and hopefully the behaviour will subside. When nothing seems to work you do question if what you are doing is right or wrong and you feel socially isolated when none of your friends understand and think that if they had a week with your child that they would sort everything out. Thank you for your time to reply to my posts. I have lots of experience with my husband and son but none with a child that behaves like my daughter which is why i am open to suggestions that i have not previously tried. If you have only one child on the spectrum but that child is similar to my youngest and you have tried and succeeded then you have more experience on that type of behaviour than i do which is why i am grateful for any input that you have. Thanks Fido Bye the way my name is jane, fido is my husbands nickname for me which has kind of stuck through the years.

hi paula and baddad it's nice to know that others are out there Thank you for your replies. I can see very valid points in what you are both saying. I don't think that there is a write way or wrong way for dealing with these situations it is whatever suits a family the best, my family is extremely complicated which is why i am struggling so much. Please understand that all though my daughter has only recently been diagnosed i am not a novice with aspergers and have done plenty of reading, watching video's, dvd's etc not to mention living with a 42 year old aspie and an 11 year old aspie son. My 11 year old son is also to be assessed for aspergers. He was also very violent and tempramental as an infant. Once i learned what his triggers were i could successfully manage his behaviour. My son is now a polite, loving boy who i share a very close, loving relashonship with. Don't get me wrong he still has his difficulties but we work through them together. Because i have an 11 year old with suspected aspergers i have to accomodate his feelings and life as well as that of my daughter which is why i cannot always allow her to control because this has a direct affect on my son and this just isn't fair on him. He does not have the flexability of thought or the understanding of his sister that an average 11 year old kid would have. The five hour tantrum was because she wanted to control and dictate how my son and his friends, who i had had for a sleep over, were playing. We cultivate Jake's friendships very carefully and try to guide him through the complexities that they involve and i cannot put them at risk for Mollie. At the same time i cannot allow her to cross busy roads by herself because she demands it or spend £20.00 in the local shop every time we go in. The boundries are pushed so far there has to be a time when the answer is No. I do not give in to requests for control that put Mollie's safety at risk, affect Jake and his friends or are totally unreasonable. However despite the fact that i do not give in even after 5 hours of tantrums i know that this is not modifying her behaviour it is simply getting more out of control and i do not know what to do. My husband is lovely and i love him to bits but living with him with his suspected aspergers and ocd's is like living with a sulky teenager upset at his change in lifestyle due to the children. He cannot help this and is very ill having numerous panic attacks and unable to cope with Mollie her demands, tantrums and the effect that this has had on his social life. His hobbies and interests are things he needs to keep him on the straight and narrow but they have had to stop due to the difficulties of the children. Mollie does not fall asleep until the early hours of the morning and will insist that i sleep with her. Jake has panic attacks with fear if he is left in room on his own after a certain time at night. Thus two adults need to be in at night to cater for the individual needs of the children. This isn't a problem for me because i am quite happy staying in at night but the loss of control over his own life and what he needs to stay sane has sent my husband into a downward spiral. He isn't selfish but is restling with his own demons and cannot cope with all this as well which pretty much leaves me on my own. If i am consistent with clear boundries and not giving in will the episodes continue to escalate or eventually decrease? I really don't know which way to turn or if i am doing write for wrong. Everything that i have learned that has helped my son does not seem to have any positive responce from my daughter. She has an iq of 135 and is 99 percentile and i sometimes think that this superior intelligence outwits me at every turn. Even her headmistress says that she feels that she is dealing with an adult when dealing with Mollie and not a 6 year old child. Mollie has been suspended from school on numerous occassions and has been close to expulsion even though i have a statement of education for 20 hours and she is in a school that think she is wonderful and are trying everything to make her happy and calm down her explosive behaviour. My husband and son are also both extemely clever and both poccess qualities, possibly through their aspergers, that i greatly admire. My daughter is a firecracker and if her wonderful intelligence and personality can be harnessed in the correct way i am sure that she can have a wonderful future infront of her. How do i harness and direct this into a positive direction without breaking her spirit and at the same time allowing us to have some sort of standard of living. I really am at a loss. Sorry about rambling on but i hope that with this information you guys may be able to point me in the right direction and then with my experiences and your input and experiences i can go on to point and help others in a similar position in the right direction. If you've got this far thanks for reading the waffle. Fido

hi paula and baddad it's nice to know that others are out there Thank you for your replies. I can see very valid points in what you are both saying. I don't think that there is a write way or wrong way for dealing with these situations it is whatever suits a family the best, my family is extremely complicated which is why i am struggling so much. Please understand that all though my daughter has only recently been diagnosed i am not a novice with aspergers and have done plenty of reading, watching video's, dvd's etc not to mention living with a 42 year old aspie and an 11 year old aspie son. My 11 year old son is also to be assessed for aspergers. He was also very violent and tempramental as an infant. Once i learned what his triggers were i could successfully manage his behaviour. My son is now a polite, loving boy who i share a very close, loving relashonship with. Don't get me wrong he still has his difficulties but we work through them together. Because i have an 11 year old with suspected aspergers i have to accomodate his feelings and life as well as that of my daughter which is why i cannot always allow her to control because this has a direct affect on my son and this just isn't fair on him. He does not have the flexability of thought or the understanding of his sister that an average 11 year old kid would have. The five hour tantrum was because she wanted to control and dictate how my son and his friends, who i had had for a sleep over, were playing. We cultivate Jake's friendships very carefully and try to guide him through the complexities that they involve and i cannot put them at risk for Mollie. At the same time i cannot allow her to cross busy roads by herself because she demands it or spend £20.00 in the local shop every time we go in. The boundries are pushed so far there has to be a time when the answer is No. I do not give in to requests for control that put Mollie's safety at risk, affect Jake and his friends or are totally unreasonable. However despite the fact that i do not give in even after 5 hours of tantrums i know that this is not modifying her behaviour it is simply getting more out of control and i do not know what to do. My husband is lovely and i love him to bits but living with him with his suspected aspergers and ocd's is like living with a sulky teenager upset at his change in lifestyle due to the children. He cannot help this and is very ill having numerous panic attacks and unable to cope with Mollie her demands, tantrums and the effect that this has had on his social life. His hobbies and interests are things he needs to keep him on the straight and narrow but they have had to stop due to the difficulties of the children. Mollie does not fall asleep until the early hours of the morning and will insist that i sleep with her. Jake has panic attacks with fear if he is left in room on his own after a certain time at night. Thus two adults need to be in at night to cater for the individual needs of the children. This isn't a problem for me because i am quite happy staying in at night but the loss of control over his own life and what he needs to stay sane has sent my husband into a downward spiral. He isn't selfish but is restling with his own demons and cannot cope with all this as well which pretty much leaves me on my own. If i am consistent with clear boundries and not giving in will the episodes continue to escalate or eventually decrease? I really don't know which way to turn or if i am doing write for wrong. Everything that i have learned that has helped my son does not seem to have any positive responce from my daughter. She has an iq of 135 and is 99 percentile and i sometimes think that this superior intelligence outwits me at every turn. Even her headmistress says that she feels that she is dealing with an adult when dealing with Mollie and not a 6 year old child. Mollie has been suspended from school on numerous occassions and has been close to expulsion even though i have a statement of education for 20 hours and she is in a school that think she is wonderful and are trying everything to make her happy and calm down her explosive behaviour. My husband and son are also both extemely clever and both poccess qualities, possibly through their aspergers, that i greatly admire. My daughter is a firecracker and if her wonderful intelligence and personality can be harnessed in the correct way i am sure that she can have a wonderful future infront of her. How do i harness and direct this into a positive direction without breaking her spirit and at the same time allowing us to have some sort of standard of living. I really am at a loss. Sorry about rambling on but i hope that with this information you guys may be able to point me in the right direction and then with my experiences and your input and experiences i can go on to point and help others in a similar position in the right direction. If you've got this far thanks for reading the waffle. Fido

hi My 6 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with aspergers she is also dyslexic and has sensory issues to sound, light and tactile sensations. Her behaviour is extremely controlling and is tearing our family apart. My son is also waiting for an assessment for aspergers and my husband is currently in the middle of an aspergers assessment. Mollie wants to control the whole family and anyone who she comes into contact with. Traditional methods of reward and consequence have failed miserably. I always stand my ground and know how important it is not to give in to tantrums. These tantrums are now escalating beyond control and are increasingly long winded and violent. She shouts abuse, trashes rooms, throws objects, hits and kicks when ever i say no to something. A tantrum this weekend lasted for 5 hours on and off mostly on. Does anyone have any idea of how i can reduce the intensity and violence of these tantrums before she seriously hurts herself or someone else. I always pick my battles and try and pasify, re-direct or compromise as much as i can but the goal posts are continually moved by her. I love my daughter to bits but feel that the Mollie that i know and love is steadily but surely being taken over by the behaviour. Any help or guidance would be appreciated Fido

Please don't see a long post and skip me. If you feel you want to help someone then please read on. Thanks. Hi, I've actually just registered as Leesome but am posting under my wifes name as my account is yet to clear. My wife is a member as we have recently recieved an Aspergers diagnosis on our 6 year old daughter and our 11 year old lad is almost certainly on the spectrum and is about to start the assesment. I have spent all my life struggling on with Obsessive thoughts (normally health related, but also always change related) that have caused me real grief for long periods. I can trace this back to my teens and I am now 42. However anything pre-teen is lost to me. We have spent 2 years fighting the system to get an assesment for our daughter and during this time my wife has gone from hitting the floor and ending up on Prozac, to becoming fully enveloped with the Aspergers and Autism spectrum and getting very well versed in this area indeed. She has thrown her entire being into making sure our kids get the best they possibly can. During this learining curve she has been more and more convinced I am also on the spectrum for many reasons. I have taken the AQ test and did it honestly to find I scored 38. The educational phsycologist looking after Mollie has done a very "off the record" check on me and say's he will be amazed if I wasn't Aspergers. I am now in the very expensive process of getting fully assesed at the priory in Birmingham for Aspergers. The thing is, the more we are learning about my childhood from familly and friends, the more certain the Aspergers outcome is. I was diagnosed some 8 or 9 years ago with OCD and at the time the diagnosis it's self provided a real boost as I suddenly believed I could be helped and it explained so much in my life. But this is different. I have such a negative...I know better than you..attitude that it is scaring me now and if it is Aspergers then I feel that all hope of ever being happy is lost, as, unlike OCD, there is no doctor that is going to help me with this one. I.m out of hope and totally alone. I am frightened stiff that one day I will simply find suicide the easier option but I have never seriously thought that way. Aspergers people are renowned for not doing change well and I have always been that way. So picture this, we have got the massive pressure of Mollie, meaning I have dropped my Karate, evenings at the pub, team game I was involved with, gym work Stoke City away games, Speedway away meetings and pretty much anything else that I enjoyed doing. I have gone from 100mph man, to being invloved with virtully nothing at all. Mollie is looking like she is going to have to leave main stream schooling. Jake is about to start High school with all the problems that brings to an Aspy child.. We are moving home to an area I really have not wanted to go to. In all fairness, I have come round to it but it is still a massive change as I have spent my entire life in one area and this is away from it..by 1 mile. My Border Collie is 15 years old but is now very weak and may not last too long, maybe weeks. So the pressure on me is now massive and I am doing regular panic attacks. And now the realisation that I am Aspergers. As I have read on here, many people feel so relived to finally have a reason for the way they have struggled. For me an Aspergers diagnosis is so much different as it means that I feel I am doomed to feel this way with no hope of ever thinking better things. I used to have this vsion of me being a real dude to Jake and his mates as he grew older as I have always been young and wacky in thought and deed. Now I am just dying on my feet and Jake must be able to see the difference in his old man. Maybe the good parts of me are Aspergers and the rest is something else but I really need to find how I can move forward cos the way I am is not fair on my kids or my wife. One last word. My wife didnt ask for this and she has ben fantastic. I am stuck with my troubles, whether I am single or married to Kylie and living in a million pound mansion, my life would be the same, but for my wife it is so different and she has opted to make it her lifes work to make sure our kids get the absolute best chance they can possibly have, regardles of the life sacrifises she has to make. She is now in an houshold with 2 Aspergers kids and an Aspergers husband yet she doesnt concentrate on how her live could be, but on how her life is. Why cant I be like that! So please, if you have been kind enough to read this, can you offer me any advice, maybe a phone number of a group or expert. I live in Stoke. I really need help now. Leesome