Melanster

The problem with drinking (for some people, including me) is that people react to events excessively, more so than they would if they hadn't been drinking. I have recognised this in myself and have made changes. I like a drink during a social gathering but know my limits and adhere to it. My partner on the other hand wants to continue drinking once he starts -- this is where his lack of boundaries come in. He is not fully aware of how his drinking affects his behaviour, so yes I would agree that he has a problem. He has acknowledged his 'bad' behaviour and the pain it has caused but it remains to be seen whether he will take that on board the next time he has a drink. I have read an online article that links some people AS with alcohol difficulties because of issues with boundaries.

Thanks for your support and website. At this point in our relationship, there are more ups than downs, which is a huge relief. We don't hold onto negative feelings as much as we used and apologise to each other much sooner for our bad behaviour! I am following my husband's lead re: whether a diagnosis would be helpful. I think it would help explain a few things to him (e.g. he wonders why he doesn't have friends).

My husband and I have worked very hard to try to understand each other -- we've gone some serious upheavals and have considered ending the relationship several times. I would say that I love him more than I ever have -there are still some anxious moments -- e.g. when we go out and there is alcohol involved -- but what I have tried to do, is to talk about it beforehand. Sometimes, my husband reacts with anger whenever I bring up the issue and turns the issue around pointing the finger at me and my behaviour when I drink (I have drastically reduced the amount I drink, since being married). What has worked for us is listeing and communication, which is hard work!!

One of the speech and language therapists I work with works with teenagers with Aspergers and she says her sessions end up as counselling sessions, as they are very angry with their peers and don't understand them. My husband has anger issues - the littlest things can result in explosive behaviour. Nights out have been a nightmare, especially with alcohol involved. I've drastically reduced the amount of alcohol I drink when out, because I don't want to react negatively and angrily to my husband's inappropriate behaviour (e.g. flirting openly with other women in front of me) although I feel I have every right to be angry with that.

Thanks Vanna for your message and support. Through all the difficulties we've encountered, we are still each other's best friend. We are trying to understand each other (although easier for me to try understand him, as there is an AS framework to work with. Although I do try to tell him what I'm like, I'm not aware of my behaviour as so much of it is unconscious and only when my partner reacts to things I do or say, do I realise what I am doing -- hope that made sense).

Hi Tally There are many positive things about my husband (sensitive, creative, intelligent) which balances him out and has made my life more interesting -- I do need to keep things in perspective, same as he. We are learning to say sorry a lot sooner, instead of ranting on and making things worse. I am also learning to communicate very clearly to him what I am thinking and feeling, and that also helps. Melanster

Thanks for your message Bid. I've worked with young people with Aspergers so I'm familiar with the DSM, but I wanted to get a personal perspective from others who have been there, as well as from adults with aspergers. I can imagine that negative behaviours arise from others not understanding Aspergers (my husband grew up in northeastern England in a working class town and he was bullied for being different). Anyways, we have our ups and downs like all couples, we are both aware of each other's shortcomings and try our best to not blow things out of perspective. Melanster

Hi everyone I'm married to someone who I think is undiagnosed Aspergers. I have read in various articles about Aspergers traits in adulthood and see some traits in my partner (difficulties with empathy, negative ruminations, self obsessed with specific topics, anger, obsessive behaviour and thoughts, alcoholism, difficulties with boundaries). It has not been smooth sailing and attempts to try to talk about things have resulted in countless arguements, misunderstandings, and unresolved feelings. I have my own personal issues, I will be the first to admit, and my own shortcomings in maintaining long term relationships have reared its ugly head in my relationship with my partner. I feel very alone and disconnected. My partner's parents have passed away and his brothers don't keep in regular touch -- my family (parents, siblings) live in Canada and although we do have some friends in London, they are not close and do not necessarily experience what I experience. I have brought up the idea of Aspergers to my partner, to which he hasn't denied. Anyways, I'd like to hear from anyone who has a partner with AS or someone with AS who is married. thanks