Malcolm Matthews

LS2242, (May I call you "L"?) Tourette's originally manifested itself in my eleven-year-old when he was about three. He had eye twitches. Then they went away only to reapper in his cheek. That lasted a few years. Then they moved around his face for a while, and he had a bout of hand-twitching during that time, too. Now everything seems to have faded. I'm not sure why or how, but so far, he seems to have grown out of the more visible elements of Tourette's. (Is that even possible?) The only real physical manisfestations of his condition (either a result of Asperger's, Tourette's, or perhaps completely unrelated) is a speech impediment called "cluttering," where, unless he concentrates, it sounds like he has marbles in his mouth. Your son sounds like he may on about the same level as mine re: facial tics. Obviously everyone's experiences are different, but I wouldn't be surprised if you found the visible effects growing less noticeable over time. -- Malcolm

I've got to say, I had/have the exact same issue with my eleven-year-old (Aspie, ADHD, Tourette's) and my four-year-old (PDD). It used to drive me nuts, and, to be honest, I still find it a bit stressful to have to tell them the same thing over and over. With due respect to Bluesbreaker, I don't believe this to be a case of "selective hearing." There's no malice involved. It's not really laziness. My wife and I sometimes (sadly) refer to this phenomenon in our boys as "Etch-a-Sketch" memory. You can tell them something then two minutes or an hour or a day later, it's like it's been erased from their brains. In fact, this is the key moment that led us to seek a diagnosis for our eleven-year-old back when he was four. I was teaching him math, and he couldn't remember "four plus four." I tried using blocks, my fingers, Legos, you name it to illustrate the idea. He'd say "eight" and then ten minutes later, it's like he never heard of "four plus four" in his life. I got frustrated with him and said, "Look. It's eight. Okay? No matter what I say, I want you to say 'eight.' Now, what's four plus four?" Then he waited a minute, counted on his fingers, looked up at me, and said, "Six?" That very night, I said to my wife, "I don't get it. He seems normal in most ways. Then sometimes he seems like he's got autism or something." The word "autism" jumped out at her, and my wife embarked on some research. After a lot of time and a lot of tests, our son was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which neither my wife nor I had ever heard of, but it fit our son like a glove. It's like their minds don't have regular streets like everyone else's; just highways and dirt roads. For some things, they just zip along; for others, they run into pits and pot-holes and fall into the occasional ditch. My point is, the memory lapses might be an uncontrollable neurological glitch. Either way, don't let it frustrate you. It's not personal. We just need to be extra patient with our children and with ourselves. (Things like visual reminders can be handy. We labeled pretty much everything in the house with words and pictures. It's not a cure-all, but it seems to help a bit.)

For what it's worth, my oldest son, a droopy eyelid notwithstanding, is exceptionally handsome; the four-year old is universally acknowledged as one of the cutest kids anyone has ever seen, and my Aspie wife is a former model. Our NT middle child and my Aspie brother-in-law are pretty average-looking. I'm neuro-typcial and ugly as a bowling shoe. So for my family anyway, there's no real correlation between the way the mind works and the way the face looks!

Candyfloss, This is a topic that hits close to home for me. My wife was diagnosed with Asperger's just last year. And what a relief (for both of us)! You see, my wife doesn't laugh either. I'm talking pretty much never. I joke around a lot, but I've never been able to make her laugh. Before her diagnosis, this caused quite a bit of tension for both of us and was one of the big stumbling blocks in our marriage for several years. I was thinking, "What's wrong with this woman. Does she really find me that repulsive that every joke, anecdote, and the occasional tickle is greeted with a stern glare?" Which is to say, please don't take this issue lightly: My marriage could have ended because of it! NTs are used to laughing - it's one of the most socially expected and understood in the wide range of human reaction. For Aspies, it seems to be one of the toughest social cues to guage. And who can blame them? What variety! There's bawdy humour, sarcasm, horse play, farce, parody, puns, teasing, word play, riddles, knock-knock jokes, and serious stories with funny punch lines. There are even bizarre jokes about a priest, a rabbi, and a washing machine agitator. My wife and I have resolved this issue in a variety of ways: 1. She laughs in social situations because she has learned it's expected. This is basically faking it, and she doesn't always get it just right, but so far no one had commented on it. (Although I've seen her giggle when most people would guffaw, and burst into peals of laughter when most people would chuckle.) 2. She follows my cues in social settings and laughs when I do. Of course, I know what she's doing, but no one else is the wiser, so no harm done, and she comes across as a perfectly "normal" socializer. 3. She tries really hard to play with me and our three sons even though it's probably one of the last things she really wants to do. This is also a version of faking it, but it's flattering for me to see her making the effort, and if you fake something long enough, it can often become pretty close to real. 4. She never watches sitcoms or comedies. (Just documentaries and reality TV.) 5. She has a drink or two. (We're not drinkers, but when we're out, one or two glasses of wine relaxes her just enough to let her get in on the laughs.) 6. When I email her, I always use short sentences and lots of emoticons. I tell her as clearly as I can when I'm joking and when I'm serious about something. According to my wife, she does find things funny. She just "laughs on the inside." I think it's because, like you, she's not sure when to laugh and when not to, so it's easier to just keep quiet. Which, of course, means missing out on a lot of the fun and sometimes seeming a little bitter or aloof when she's really not. I'm impressed that you are aware of your situation and that you seem so willing to do something about it. Is there anyone in your social circle you can confide in? Someone who can help you to pick up on the laugh cues in social situations? Do you have a diagnosis? Either way, it might help to open up to close friends and family about this issue. People can be surprisingly understanding and accommodating. I'll also say this: The only thing worse than missing out on the laughs is stressing out about missing out on the laughs! Give yourself some credit. And time. And a break! Laughter doesn't manifest itself the same way for everyone -- esp. for folks on the spectrum. But the good news is that it's not that difficult to learn. -- Malcolm P.S.: I'm not a doctor, a clinician, or a therapist of any kind -- just a guy who has an Aspie wife, two Aspie sons, and a lot of books on ASD, so please take my comments with a micron of salt!

Not much to add to previous responses. Only that yes -- there seem to be some recognizable physical commonalities (some subtle, some obvious). For example, failure to make eye contact, twitching or squirming in social situations, stemming, etc. My wife (who is diagnosed with Asperger's and ADHD) can often tell with uncanny accuracy when a child might be on the spectrum. But most of these are behaviour-related clues. Otherwise, in my experience anyway, spectrum folks seem to run the same physical range as the general population. It's sometimes hard for us to distinguish between what we see people doing and what we see them being. The simple litmus test is this: Put ten people in a room and you might be able to tell who is on the spectrum and who isn't. If I show you photos of ten people, I think you'd be hard pressed to tell the spectrum people from the NTs.

Overall, it sounds like good news. (Getting the diagnosis, I mean.) You asked about multiple diagnoses in a family. My wife (diagnosed with Asperger's a year ago) and I have three sons. The oldest (11) and the youngest (4) have been diagnosed with ASD. (And the oldest is also diagnosed ADHD and Tourette's.) However, the middle son (6) is as neurotypical as you can get. Which has led to an interesting phenomenon: He has helped his younger brother learn how to socialise. I've watched them in action. The six year old will say, "Okay, let's pretend that this car is the Batmobile. Now we'll pretend that Batman is inside, and he's driving after the Joker. Now make your car go 'vroom! vroom!' like this," etc. He has actually taught his younger brother how to engage in creative play! The 11 year old, of course, didn't have anyone above him to do that, which is unfortunate. But he has watched his two younger brothers playing and wrestling and has adapted certain positive social behaviours based on his observations. The point is that siblings, ASD or not, can be a valuable rescource for each other. Each will have strengths the others do not. If we can find ways to get them to model each other's best behaviours, we may be able to help them to help each other. Just a nibble for thought! -- Malcolm

Kerry, I respect baddad's issues with your idea, and you were wise to consider them. (Sorry they upset you - I'm sure baddad didn't mean any disrespect!) You have the enthusiasm, which is half the battle. If you are truly willing and motivated enough to receive a professional diagnosis for yourself and the proper formal training to allow you to assess and help others, I think yours is a fine idea, well worth pursuing. But, of course, with those caveats. Adults on the spectrum (my own lovely wife included) could really use some of the same type of guidance we are finally finding available for our children. (Boy, could my wife use a social skills class!) Cheers! -- Malcolm

Dana, First of all, I'm very sorry for your sour experience with the nasty parent. You didn't deserve that, and I hope you won't let it get you down. She has the problem, not you. With due respect to justine1, here is my suggestion for what to do: tell everyone. Here are a few things to consider: 1. Keeping ASD a secret doesn't help anyone. 2. If your son were in a wheelchair, disclosure wouldn't be an issue. You'd talk openly to parents, teachers, and even students about your son's condition and about his need for certain accommodations. 3. Not everyone will be on board right away. But at least they can no longer claim ignorance of your son's diagnosis as an excuse. They'll come around sooner or later. And for those few who don't, they pre-determined to be a problem no matter what happened. 4. What a stress-reliever it will be for you and for your son. (And by the way, if you haven't done so already, please please please talk to your son about his diagnosis! Keeping him in the dark compounds his social issues and yours as well.) 5. Your son's social problems with other students (this girl, in particular), will only get worse if active steps aren't taken. 6. Talking openly about ASD is the hard thing to do, which means it's probably the right thing to do. (If the easy path worked, everyone would take it!) 7. Make this a positive experience! Our kids are different, not defective. There are some things they do really well and some things that give them a whole host of headaches. Which, of course, describes pretty much all of us whether we're on the spectrum or not. 8. The fact that you're in this forum and considering this issue at all already makes you an excellent mum! Never doubt that and don't let anyone tell you different. Remember, though -- these are just suggestions based on my experiences. Obviously, your situation will be different, so you may have to adjust your approach accordingly. I've been through what you're going through. We told my now-eleven-year-old that he had Asperger's when he was about seven. His teachers all know about his condition, he has a full IEP, and most of the kids in his class and neighbourhood families know too. My wife was diagnosed just last year, and it's taken her most of that time to realise all the positives of disclosing her condition to friends and family. Honestly, that diagnosis probably saved our marriage. Best of luck! -- Malcolm www.malcolmmatthews.ca

Shnoing -- Thanks for checking out my blog! I do have to say, my wife's parents have been very understanding and supportive of my son's diagnosis. I think that's for several reasons: My son really obsesses over movies and withdraws socially so his condition is pretty easy to "see"; my wife and I have done our homework and have been good about educating/guiding her parents toward an understanding of ASD; and they genuinely trust us when it comes to how we raise our boys. Grandparents are going to be tough cookies, though! For a lot of them, odd behaviour was "solved" with a spank and a lecture. And they love their grandkids so much that they can't imagine them as anything other than "perfect." But we can't expect them to be patient and understanding about our situation without being patient and understanding about theirs. The key for us is to keep our own stress and negativity out of the equation. Staying positive and focused on our children's needs trumps everything else.

This seems to be a major issue for a lot of us. My mother was/is reluctant to acknowlege AD in either my wife or in my two sons. But she's coming around. I've been thinking a lot about this and just blogged about it on my website: www.malcolmmatthews.ca. Swing by and check it out. I'd love to hear further thoughts...

Very interesting. I don't have any specific ideas, but my wife and my 11 year-old son (both dx'd with Asperger's) are notoriously bad about asking for help or admitting they don't know something. It can be pretty problematic at times. My son will never admit to anything less than absolute mastery of his academic subjects even though his grades are consistently dreadful. When pressed, it's obvious he has no idea what he's doing in class. I'm trying to teach him to say "I don't understand this" and to use us and his teachers as resources. I wonder if this "help-avoidance" might be a defence mechanism for your son. In practical terms, the word "help" means, by definition, admitting to a deficiency and inviting others inside our lives at our weakest moments. That's hard enough for NTs to do; it must be incredibly anxiety-provoking for someone on the spectrum. Just an initial thought.

I've found the on-line test to be quite reliable actually. It was one of the first steps toward getting my wife diagnosed. (We tested it out on me, her, and a couple of friends.) It was interesting -- I took it on my wife's behalf (filling in answers for her), she took it on her own, and then we took it together for her then compared the three test results. Then we gathered written observations from some friends and family, all of my wife's school records, etc. and brought everything with us to the specialist who gave my wife a barrage of tests before diagnosing her with Asperger's. Two of our three sons had already been diagnosed. My wife's brother has since been diagnosed as well. What will you do if you are officially diagnosed? Will you tell people? Do you expect it to affect any/many of your relationships?