UtterDoclector

Hi, I have aspergers syndrome, I'm 19 and I'm in need of some social advice. For a long time now I've used xbox live as my only point of contact with other people outside of college, as it seems impossible for me to socialise otherwise. I personally don't think this has much to do with my aspergers, but due to my previous experiences with severe bullying I'm anxious around people in real life. They seem to have no reason not to attack me, and I'm not socially acceptable, I don't have any interesting talents, I'm not cool, and I'm extremely ugly. I'm a good person, but since when did that matter to them? Anyway, my problem is that, one by one, my xbox friends are disapearing. I used to talk with quite a few people, Luke, James, David, Joe, and Lee. All of them lived in birmingham, and I live near Exeter. I met David on a forum and it went from there. Luke started to be hostile and rude to everyone else, saying things being people's backs. He was rightly exiled from the group, the only one who I am never going to miss. Lee just kinda dropped off the radar, then David got a girlfriend and started going out more. We saw him less and less. Same thing happened to Joe. I barely see either of them now. James and his friends are the only people I really talk to now, that and another person with aspergers named Josh, who's a good friend, but it helps me to talk to, for want of a better word, "normal" people. I am sorry for that terminology, but I really don't know how else to put it. Now James has started going out more as well, and right now he's online but isn't talking to anyone. I think he thinks I'm pathetic and he hates me now I'm the only one without a "life". I've only ever had a girlfriend for two weeks, I didn't lose my virginity to her, and she was only using me as a stopgap until she found someone better. I don't know what to do. I wish I get a life as well, but it seems impossible. It seems like I wasn't born with whatever you have to have for people to care about you. I've tried so hard, but no-one seems to notice. How could I find new friends on xbox live? At least I still have Josh online, but like I said, it helps me to speak with people who don't have aspegers now and again, and in a way, I always feared that. That I would end up penned in, only ever "allowed" to socialise with other people who have a certain disability.

But surely, if I don't tell anyone the truth, they're just going to believe their version of events, and eventually, everyone will hate me, leaving them free to physically harm me without the worry of anyone present who would disaprove?

Okay, this is gonna be a long one. When I went to college at september last year, I met a girl (let's name her "Lucy", not the real name, just in case they find this site), I liked her, she just liked me as a friend, went out with other friend (Codenamed "Jake"), blah blah blah, same old story. By about mid year, I was over it and I was good friends with everyone involved. Lucy said Jake broke up with her, and a couple of weeks later, she wanted to talk to me in private, and she confessed to me that she dumped Jake because she had feelings for a girl she knew, and she wanted to have someone to confide in. I helped her, and for a short while we were really good friends. Meanwhile, I also helped Jake anytime he was depressed about the issue, of course, not telling him about Lucy's current situation. Put this on top of the fact that I had bottled up my upset feelings about Lucy going out with jake for half a year beforehand so they could be happy, and they both owe me alot right? According to them, wrong. A few months ago, Lucy and Jake got back together randomly. Instantly, Lucy forgot I ever did anything for her. She treated me like her worst enemy, her body language, the awful stares she'd give me, everything told me that she wanted me to go away. So I did. I seperated myself from my friends just to keep them happy. By last half term, I was fed up of them. Really angry, all the time I saw them, and the whole class thought they were mr and mrs perfect, like something out of a fairy tale. At half term, I tried to confide in Jake through text, who ignored me. Finally, I decided to push them out of my life completely for the week, to try and calm down. I even deleted them from my xbox live friends list, just so I didn't see them and get angry, of course, I sent Jake a message to explain, knowing there would be no reasoning with Lucy as she hated me already. Jake, formerly one of the most understanding people I could ever hope to meet, bit my head off. It was like I never did anything for them. I had suffered, cried, isolated myself just so they could be happy, now I just wanted a little space, a little me time, and they rejected me. I tried to apologise to Jake, who ignored me, again. The time alone, though, did me a world of good. Free of being a servent to their relationship, I had one of the best weeks I ever had in a long time. I almost felt normal for once in my life. When I went back to college, the pair instantly told me they hated me through the looks they gave me. I've been angry anytime I've been in college ever since. Anytime I see them, anytime I hear them, it reminds me of everything I gave for them, and how they stabbed me in the back in return. I think Lucy was nothing but a bully all along. Bullies like seeing people hurt, they compulsively need to hurt people, that fits Lucy's description perfectly. And Jake just isn't the person he was. Jake gave me faith that I wasn't the only good person left on the rock. But he gave his morals up so easily. I'm sick of it. I know they're telling lies about me, hiding what really happened. Making everyone hate me, that's what bullies do, I know it all too well. I want them to pay for this, tbh. This isn't how relationships work, they should've sorted out their own problems, not give them to a person who they could simply dispose of at a later date. What's worse, is Lucy keeps trying her lies on me. Trying to add me on facebook, trying to talk to me. I know she just has another problem she wants to dump on me and then hate me when she doesn't need me anymore. At least there is one thing about this I know that's turned out right, and that's Lucy's former girlfriend. I hadn't seen her for a while and I was afraid she had taken an even worse blow from all this than I have and hurt herself, but I saw her a couple of days ago, and she seems over it. I have one plan. I tell the truth to everyone. That way, I have people on my side, and they have to sort their own problems for a change. What does everyone think? Should I tell everyone the truth? Or is there a better way to deal with this? Despite all they've done, for some reason I still don't want to hurt them, (I hate having a conciense sometimes, god knows they don't) but if this is the only way to get out of this, I'll have to. I'm not staying angry like this and ending up exploding.

Just thought I should post introducing myself here. I'm 19 and I have been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome since I was about eight (I can't remember exactly how old I was). I joined because my parents notified me of the site and I thought that I may as well check it out. I'm interested primarily in videogames and film, particularly horror, to the extent at which I'm actually studying media production at Exeter college so I can work in film. WARNING: Probabally boring life-story-ish part up ahead, if you're not interested, then don't read it, of course. I used to live in a really rubbish little town called belvedere in bexley, near london (Well, geography was never my strong point, but the council always called themselves "a london borough" so I went with it, and besides, it's easier than explaining in detail) I was bullied at every school I went to, I could never figure out why, but I assumed that it was either people's seemingly endemic tendency to destroy and ridicule anything different (sounds crazy I know, but when you think of all the discrimination in the world, it isn't too much of a push) or simply that I did something wrong in some way that I, or anyone I asked, never found out, or was too afraid/polite to admit. It was at it's worse when I went to bexley business academy in thamesmead for secondary school. Sounds posh, but it was actually one of the city academies set up by Tony "Lies so much it's a language" Blair. They equipped it with the best of technology, but with the worst of people. The teachers would often ignore it while I was tormented. I was threatened with death on a few occasions, one particular time with broken glass being pointed at me. When I got out, I moved to Devon, and hoped I'd never have to come back to that area. If you ask me, london is welcome to drown in it's own endless pointless violence, and anyone who doesn't think that constant fighting sounds like a good time should consider moving. I spent a good few months unemployed. It's strange, when you're at school, sitting at home all day doing whatever you want sounds like heaven, but after a month or so it becomes a daytime television hell. I went to a course called E2E and things went well for a while, but I still found it difficult to assemble a real social life outside of it. I went to a prince's trust course after that, and it's there I decided to follow my ambition of making films. I thought if I was to have to spend years at a doll queue, waiting for some fussy perfectionist employer to think I'm good enough, I may as well chase a job I really want to do, as apposed to something just "good enough". I went to Exeter college, and for a while, I couldn't believe my luck. I was finally somewhere I felt like I fit in, I felt safe. I even met a girl who seemed interested in me. But things fell apart when she went out with one of my new friends before I could develop any real relationship. To have been so close to finally not being alone, and then for it to be snatched away crushed me. People grew a little distant when I wasn't happy all the time. I'm now scared that no-one's ever going to like me. Now I feel more desperate than ever to get a life, and be like everyone else. I'm fed up with people's bad advice, people putting it down to aspergers but not telling me how to fix it, how I can just act like everything else. People say that people will love me who I am, and I want to agree, but with everything I've been through, how could I possibly believe that? I just wonder whether anyone else on this site knows how I can just blend in and pretend I'm normal. If anyone does. please tell me.