When I finally saw a psychiatrist and it was agreed there was Aspergers going on in some way, I said "It'a always been such a struggle", and he said, "A lot of people say just that". I'm fed up with struggling ..... going against the form of my psycholgy, if it can be put like that - fighting battles on disadvantageous ground. To carry the metaphor on .... I want to fight clever and work with positive aspects; because it seems there are some. I notice I am more dispassionate than a lot of people; I don't get angry when others do .... I laugh at almost everything ..... and I seem to have the 'gentleness' that is mentioned in connection with AS .... very fortunately.
What this new view of myself has caused is a release from the background assumption that I'm a dolt and a gormless fool , a social inadequate who can't avoid excruciating faux-pas. Suddenly there is a Damascus Road revelation and a kind of loose blossoming of self-esteem and a heady almost delerium. I'm not an idiot after all! So there is a partial increase in self-confidence. Good! the trouble is it is balanced by the knowledge that AS is 'incurable' and my problem in not realising that what seems a good, clever, interesting thing to say or do is very likely very inappropriate and will lead to massive embarrassment all round - is intractable ...... and that looks like a wall to me. I have shrunk from that social discomfort, and, simultaneously, find I'm mostly ok with my own company ..... yet I'm not. I know I'm missing the best things in life, chiefly love, and that thought is never too far away.
I don't really have much idea of potential pleasure as a motive for doing anything mostly because past efforts have led to difficult failure so it is a strange situation. I think the need is to find social 'success' of some kind aa a foothold on Enjoyment ..... perhaps identify what I do enjoy and expand upon that but being careful to keep to sure ground, maybe until I can somehow learn more about appropriateness as a social skill.
I'm typing away here because I want to contact other human beings. Possibly this is all inappropriate - I'm not an expert! Still it would be interesting to know if it means anything to others. Jaded I do hope all is well with you and yours ..... you asked where I might be going. I understand the question - don't have a good reply except .... right now, to the pictures to see The Way Back .... might get some inspiration!
