soundartist

I love music and sound in general. My favorites are not necessarily repetitive but have a strong formula to the style, like Northern Soul and Blues. I also like artists with a sense of progression through their work but still have a kind of consistency that is always recognizable even when they change styles and cross genres such as David Bowie or BJork. Having said that my favorite band ever is The Fall and they have many long and repetitive songs with strong bass-lines, drums and repeated phrases through the lyrics. When I first heard them they just appealed to me in a way that no kind of music had done for a long time.

My partner often says I have got a 'dark', 'dry' or 'dead-pan' sense of humor. Which I understand to mean that I can derive humor from subjects or situations that are generally considered serious or not very comical. The comedy I like is not the kind that has jokes or that just goes for silly laughs, it is things like Alan Partridge, The Office and the League of Gentlemen- finding comedy in everyday situations or making the ordinary seem bizarre or even finding comedy in a sad situation. I think 'dry' and 'deadpan' refer to the delivery: it is done as if you are not joking or you don't find yourself very funny like Jack Dee or Will Self (I think). I must admit sometimes I say things that are not not supposed to be funny but people laugh and say I have a dry sense of humor. But that is probably to do with the fact that they don't realize I am asking a question about something I should know already and think I must be joking and I am never aware of the tone of my voice which my partner tells me is either monotonous in a dull but relaxing kind of way or actually sounding quite annoyed or moany.

I went through the whole of my education right up to second year university experiencing difficulties that I did not share with anyone. Most of these stemmed from general confusion in social situations and feeling very tired from putting all my energy into dealing with things in day to day life that most people find so easy they don't even think about it. I was always labeled as a "must try harder" or "could do better" student and frankly I wasn't bothered because it made my life easier if people assumed I wasn't going to put the effort in. They had no idea what my real interests were or what I was really like. It was only by the time I got to university when it became apparent that I was having difficulties. I was studying a subject I was passionate about near to the point of obsession and doing well at it became the most important thing to me. I was terrified of using the phone and making contact in general, I had problems with organization and concentration and found it impossible to approach my tutors. The stress I was feeling but covering up, pretending I was doing fine like everyone else, started to show and obviously I was the first to notice and tried harder to look like nothing was wrong. I started feeling very tired and developed some tics (screwing my eyes up, trembling knee, urges to shout things or sing what I'm doing, touching my ears) and began showing some obsessive behavior where I was trying to control things to put some order and predictability into my life. I would get very upset with change and often go into what appeared to be tantrums or fits of rage that were actually outbursts of frustration and energy that felt like I was a robot malfunctioning because it can't compute the information. This escalted to full-on panic attacks and meltdowns and spending a lot of time on my own. In my second year at the recommendation of a concerned tutor I went to student services who did the usual tests for learning difficulties and it turned out I had Dyslexia and Dyspraxia along with high intelligence and excellent verbal ability. The examiner also suspected I had Aspergers and put me in touch with a man from the National Autistic Society who was not a support worker that followed me around and sat with me in the cafe or any other embarrassing situation you might imagine. His job was an Aspergers Mentor and I went see him at his office in the Student Support building once a week and talk about whatever I wanted, and I was not the only student who went to see him. He could advise me on the problems I was having or give me a useful website to look at or just chat about my interests. I learned that a lot of my behavior and problems are classic Aspie but my personality is all me and some of my behaviors are part of that and in a way I was more relaxed from just chatting to someone who knew what was going on in my world. I still have all the problems (and more) I have mentioned but I am able to identify what causes them rather than deny them or try to cover them up by acting normal. I also learned that we make brilliant students. This combined with support for my Dyslexia- I was given a bit of extra time to hand in essays, complete assignments and return library books though I declined a support tutor for this because I preferred to study on my own and the extra time was enough to get things done- I graduated with a First Class Honors degree. Denial is understandable. Having a 'label' like Aspergers attached to you can feel a bit pathetic or like someone is saying your personality is the symptoms of a disorder but it can also be useful to help get appropriate support and explain to others why you find some things difficult that might seem obvious to most people. I suppose my point is that trying to disguise being an Aspie or ignore it and hope you can cope can become very stressful especially when you are putting your energy into studying. Accepting help is a step towards finding it easier to live with and not letting it stifle your potential. But it is not something that is easy to accept as it could open up a whole new world of possibilities and as we know Aspies do not like change.